Take on seeing it First Hand

Trump sucks, this is a known fact by now but I actually see nothing wrong with a few of the things he's getting hit with as related to his reaction to Harvey

- he didn't meet with victims, I get that this makes for a nice photo-op and should be something that people do out of the goodness of their heart but it's not actually necessary. Whether Trump hugs a woman who lost her home or talks to a kid who lost his dog does not make a real difference in the big picture. We already know that Trump doesn't have any real compassion and as a germaphobe he's not actually going to touch these wet people. He sucks and is a horrid human but it's almost better that he doesn't try because he'd inevitable look disgusted which won't help.

- he said he saw it "first hand" when, in fact, he was nowhere near the devastation. Again, who cares? This is a figure of speech and for a guy like Trump who has a very limited vocabulary it's just another verbal crutch like "greatest", "believe me" or "beautiful".
I don't care that he wasn't standing in three foot water putting up sand bags, he has to be looking at the bigger picture and finding ways to get FEMA, the Army Corp of Engineers and local towns every resource they need.
What actually happened was about right, Jun standing on a fire truck 50 mikes away for a speech. If he'd gone closer he would have gotten people screaming that he's hindering the relief efforts, if he doesn't come at all he gets labeled as out-of-touch. This was fine and his version works for me

He still sucks

Take on the FoxNews poll.

When a FoxNews poll tells you that Trump is tearing the country apart, you know we're in trouble. His response to Harvey is probably the highlight of his tenure and even that has been lukewarm. Now he has set his sights on tax reform which, if it is anything like his repeal and replace promise, will fall flat. But this is Trump, his entire strategy is to talk out of his gigantic ass and hope that he gets press coverage. If he gets pressed for details he tells you to believe him and that it will be great and big and beautiful and then we'll all focus on another issue. But over time, it does take a toll on the American people even the ones who voted for this guy

I have neighbors who live up the street who this week replaced their gigantic Trump flag with an Alabama football flag. It's the only time I was happy to see somebody try to flaunt Nick Saban, who might have met his match in doucebaggary with Trump.

Take on Melania's 5 inch heels

Donald and Melania Trump headed to Texas today to tour the devastation and the TOR readership has to appreciate the fact that Melania got on a plane wearing 5 inch stilettos.    Nothing tells a city ravaged by a 500 year storm that you care like willing to get your Jimmy Choos wet and Melania proves again that she cares about the people of this country..

And thank god that she does, who wants their First Lady looking dumpy and droopy?  We want to exude confidence and strength and nothing makes a girl's body go BANG BANG like 5 inch heels..

Take on Obama

Whenever our president does something that embarrasses our country, it's important to realize that he follows a man who has show less respect for the office than just about anybody.
Trump may have colluded with Russians, he just pardoned a sheriff who stood in defiance of a judges order, he's refused to disclose his business interest, he tweets about his victory during a major storm on one of our country's largest cities

But remember Obummer. This guy wore a tan suit at a press conference, you really can't be a worse person to lead this country and the fact that he was likely not born here is just another sign of his disdain for the red white and blue
This guy also had a cup of coffee while saluting a soldier, he once even said he liked Jay-Z.
Then he had the audacity to try to give all our citizens health care, what a horrid human

This guy so constantly tried to move our country so far left it may as well have been France West.

He is a vile human and we can only be happy that he's gone.

Take on the flood commander

With one of our largest cities under siege by an unprecedented storm, our commander in chief took the opportunity to tweet about visiting a completely different - and completely flood free- state. The level of tone-deafness with this man is just unreal, Houston is under a Harvey barrage and Trump finds time to make sure he pushes a book by that crazy sherif, reminds us all that the Mexicans will be paying for a wall nobody wants and they won't pay for and wants to take yet another victory lap for November.
I get that his ego needs constant stroking but when we are facing a true national crisis, you'd hope he'd have a bit of class but this is Trump and class goes together with him about as well as it does summertime

Thanks America

Take on Lyin' Ted's inconsistency

It's amazing how awful a human Ted Cruz proves to be every. single. day. Not only does he look like the zodiac killer, he acts like a psychopath.

When Superstorm Sandy devastated the North East, Ted. Cruz was there with the big NO banner, but with his home state under threat of similar damage, he has already gone to congress for some kind of major relief bill. I get that he is doing what is right for his constituents, but the fact that he got on his soap box for political tea party theater five years ago tells yuh what he really cares about and it certainly isn't anything other than Ted Cruz's political career

This same Ted Cruz sat in some crappy badly lit no descript office building to ask voters to support a man who should have stood against everything Cruz claims to stand for and after Trump tried to tie Lyin' Ted's old man to the JKF assassination and called his wife Miss Piggy.

Take on the meteorologist in chief

Trump is like a child in that he feels the need to tell you whenever he is doing something right. My three year old tells me she finished her whole lunch, my five year old tells me she brushed her teeth and my president tells me he arrived at Camp David and has been briefed on the hurricane. A storm which is the biggest story in he country right now.

But in fine Trump tradition he screws up and calls it a Class 3 storm instead of a Category 3 but we know he's not one for details

Take on Roger Stone's Violent Erection

Roger Stone, one quarter of the Fab Four (Stone, Page, Flynn and Manafort) came out today and predicted a violent erection if Trump go impeached. I can't talk you what sounds scarier than that dude jacked up on a fistful of Cialis but I can't think of it. I'm also not sure why a violet erection is suppose to be but I guess he's likely trying to beat Yu with it like it's a hammer or something.
We know that the dude is a cursing, self described sycophant with a bad temper Now add his raging erection and the call girls in his area better watch out because he has a bad attitude a wad of twenties and he's ready to party.

Wait, what? He said violent insurrection? That's much less interesting although a much more pleasant visual.

Take on the Steele Dossier

Nobody really doubts that the Steele Dossier bombshell is basically true. Many of the actors, events and scandals have started to prove out but the only aspect anybody really cares about are the pee tapes.

I don't think anybody thinks that there isn't at least a decent chance that the pee tapes are real, honestly I don't think anybody would be really surprised if they were real and at this point the sting has to be gone including for the Russians.

So if this pee tape is real, the blackmail part has to be gone, so now we just want to see it to see little donald holding his little donald as some Russian prostitute pees in his mouth

Take on Sexy Rexy

The differences between Rex Ryan and Rex Tillerson are

- Rex Ryan looks like a party, Rex Tillerson looks like the guy who calls the cops on the party

-Rex Ryan knows defense, Rex Tillerson says that we won't won't but at least the Taliban will not win, either

- Rex Ryan palls around with his idiot brother and sometimes sits in his shadow, Rex Tillerson palls around with Trump's son in law and always sits in his shadow.

- Rex Ryan is loved by his players, Rex Tillerson has yet to have 90% of his staff filled

-Rex Ryan looks like he ate his lapband, Rex Tillerson looks like he could use one

- Rex Ryan has a huge ego, Rex Tillerson has to swallow his

- Rex Ryan was fired by Woody Johnson, Rex Tillerson just hired Woody to be the ambassador to Ireland

They both suck

Take on the Solar Presidential Eclipse

For weeks we've heard newscasters, teachers and mothers warn us to not look directly into the eclipse and of course today there were thousands of people starting directly into the sun in New York City.   I walked outside at about 2:30 and a woman says, "look north and you can see the reflection of the sun in the building"   Beyond my better judgment, I instinctively look up and immediately my eyeballs burn.   I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes for the last two hours, so if nothing else, Dr. Joseph Delarusa will find another customer out of this thing..   I did see a street vendor selling the glasses but he was also selling hot-dogs and they looked a bit flimsy, so decided to go back inside to soak my eyeballs in some vinegar. 

But I wasn't the only one dumb enough to look up without those stupid 3D glasses, our president, a man who has proclaimed himself to be one of the smartest people on earth, was standing on that little balcony of the White House staring directly into the sun.   This can only be a sign of brilliance or compete stupidity and I'm gambling on the latter. 

Take on the USS John McCain crash

Maybe Trump misheard the question, maybe he thought they were talking about John McCain's personal boat or maybe he is a horrible human but Trump's response of "that's too bad" when he was told about the USD John McCain crashing with a merchant vessel is a bit odd.
It's odd how there seem to be a lot more boat crashes with our Navy recently, it might be time for them to consider the triple option or something because they are crashing into other boats at an alarming pace the last few months

But you just know that if this was he USS Donald J Trump that he'd be sending over special forces right now.

Take on the heel

Trump was the white knight to many, sadly most of them belong to groups who probably have white knights in their name but still there must have been some (extremely gullible) good people who thought his message of swamp draining was powerful enough to pull the lever for somebody as unqualified and unprofessional as him. Anybody who consistently tells you how smart he is, is the level of self importance that you should fear if the guy was running for dog catcher.

But then when he does something like today when he meant to heal the world but instead told the world to heel, you wonder if it was a bit Freudian. We know what he thinks of the people in this country, he thinks they are all below him yet somehow they constantly come back to pray at the golden plated altar of Trump.

This is not your drunken uncle, this is the president of the United States. A guy who doesn't know the difference between heal and heel is he leader of the free world.


Thanks 'Merica

take on Trump's team of Rivals

Ding Dong the Fat Man is  dead.

As predicted in this exact newspaper, the end of Steve Bannon happened and it was as glorious as any of them.     The issue though is that he might actually do more for Trump as an unofficial surrogate from the outside than he was able to do on the inside but we'll take it..

 

Six months ago when all was well and good in TrumpLand, a great photo was taken of the major power players in the Trump White House.    From that photo we have lost Priebus, Bannon, Flynn and the Easter Bunny.    Only Pence and Trump remain and you know that isn't a happy marriage. 

But those aren't the only ones, we can add to that The Mooch, Mike "the anti-Mooch" Dubke,  Katie Walsh and some dude named Walter Shaub, too.  

Add to that Obama holdouts, Comey, Yates and Preet and you have a softball team.

So how would that softball team lineup look

Flynn  LCF

Mooch SS

Comey 1B

Spicer  RF

Walsh  3^rd

Yates  RCF

Priebus 2^nd

Bannon  DH

Dubke   C

Shaub  LF

 

Preet  the book

Take on the last days of Bannon

Today might very well mark the last day for Stephen Bannon, the divisive presidential advisor who seems to feed Trump's obsession with conspiracy and lunacy

Here is what is good about Bannon leaving
- he's a vile human,
- his level of vileness is not just his character but his physical appearance. He looks like a homeless guy slouched over on the platform at Union Square screaming 9-11 was an inside job
- his complexion looks the same as the complexion of a dude my aunt dated had, he was a fall down drunk.


Here is what is bad about Bannon leaving
-
-
-

Take on Ivanka's out

Sorry Ivanka, it doesn't work that way. When you are a senior advisor to a president, you don't pick and choose which issues you will be held accountable for and when you have been a campaign surrogate that accountability actually runs deeper. Ivanka has to realize her father is a repulsive human and a horrid human being with no moral compass but still she hitches her wagon to the family crest and enjoys all that comes with it, if you do that and you defend his actions and his words then own all of it.
The idea of "except for him being a hateful, bigoted small minded man-child, he's actually a really good person at heart" doesn't play well with me

So sorry Ivanka, you use the name you take the game, or in your case the infamy

Take on unscripted Trump

Glad we got rid of the Mooch with a guy who could reign in Trump

As somebody just observed, our president takes one step forward on Monday to only step back 167 years on Tuesday. We really live in strange times, times when something as politically simple as denouncing a bunch of new-nazis and KKK members becomes a chore that our president cannot possibly undertake.

Trump said today that the Alt-Left was in part to blame for Charlottesville, which is exactly how he played the FakeNews thing. He takes something that he and his followers are accused of and turns in 180 degrees and tries to get it to stick to you. But I'm guessing it won't work because, well, those guys are literally Nazis.

But the best line of the Q&A was the following

Trump: "I looked the night before, if you look, there were people protesting very quietly the taking down of the statue of Robert E. Lee."

He was right with this, those guys carrying the torches were just trying to illuminate the statue for for one more night. Nothing sinister in their behavior at all.


I was happy to hear that Trump owns a winery right in Charlottesville, seems like he attracts a certain kind of harvest pest.

Take on Opiates

There is not much that Chris Christie and I have in common, he likes the Cowboys and I'm a Jets fan, he likes the Mets and I hate baseball, he is a loudmouth obese blowhard and, well I guess we do have a few things in common.
One thing Big Chris is dead right on is in addition to his love of Bruce is the opiate epidemic which he rightfully convinced Trump to call a national crisis. Big Chris knows a thing or two about addiction and he has been on this for some time, I always assumed it was more a rural America thing but lately it's right in my face. I've worked in New York City for 20 years and lived there for 14 and not until this summer have I seen such blatant depravity on the streets.
It started with the loosening of the marijuana laws, there isn't a day that goes by when I walk by and don't smell some fresh herb mixed with the aroma of the peanut vendor and the dirty dog guy.

But weed is basically harmless, what I'm seeing now is much worse. I have literally seen people camped out on old mattresses by my office shooting up in broad daylight. I had never in my 41 years of life seen heroin but two weeks ago at 8:45 in the morning I saw one guy inject another with a needle which looked like it came out of the Trainspotting bathroom. We're not talking about a dark alley or an abandoned park, this is 6th avenue in midtown Manhattan.
Today I saw a guy laid out on 36th street in the middle of sidewalk. Last week I saw a woman in her late twenties propped up and past out right by Port Authority.
This isn't some rural problem anymore and it's getting worse by the day.

Take on the Mooch's mother

You have to love The Mooch, the guy just keeps bringing it. He laid low for a week after getting axed by TeflonDon but now is coming back to cash in on 15 more minutes. But today he retweeted some guy who told him that he's the kind of guy any mother would be proud of and the only mother I could think of was the mother of the kid he just had. This sick bastard sent a 'congrats' text message when she cam out of labor which isn't even something you'd do for a coworker. The only mother that would love The Mooch is the type with the F epithet after the mother part.

Take on Trump's non statement statement

Our president has been called a brilliant politician by some but when he is given meatball to hit out of the park, he can't even give it a real effort. This is Donald Trump, a guy who was never afraid to speak his mind, cowering to the alt-right neon nazi faction of his party. You can't understand how he doesn't just knock the movement, it's the most benign political move you can make and still he can't.
But what was most troubling was the countless GOP members who I saw post today about there being no place for white supremacy in our country but hardly anybody actually took the president on. They all beat around the bush but nobody called him out for stroking the white supremacist fire and you know that none of them will actually do anything other than wait to see if the tides turn on Trump nationally to a point he is a sinking ship and that point they will all come out to feed off the carcass

Take on the Oval Office redo

Trump's three week Bedminster vacation is so long in part so the Oval Office could go through a long overdue facelift. This is probably true and it is likely something that has been in the planning stages for a long time but the question now will be, is he going to replace the carpets and drapes again to go Trump Tacky which you just know he is dying to do. We know he thinks the place is a dump, mostly because it doesn't look like it's just missing a stripper pole. But what I'm really interested in is how many listening devices did they sweep up when they pulled up that carpet and what are they doing with the little piece of carpet right behind the Oval Office, that thing has to be as hard as a rock.

Take on Trump's thank you

I'm not sure Trump realizes that Putin expelling those 755 diplomats <> firing 755 diplomats, so he didn't actually cut payroll since those diplomats are still employed by the State Department. But this is the bizarro world we live in, where our own president plays footies with the head of Russia under a table without a tablecloth. These diplomats will get reassigned to either cover Russian maters outside of Russia or will move on to another diplomatic mission somewhere else. It can't be that bad for them, maybe they'll move to Croatia or St Thomas or something because sitting in St Petersburg sounds about as much fun as getting your stinking hour winkie in a bottle of vodka.

Take on Fire and Fury (and how it all comes down to Jeb!)

I've been trying to picture what fire and fury means in TrumpTalk.  We know he's moatly bluster and punchless threats but does he ever follow through?

I tend to think, no   It's always just a Twitter barrage but that's it   

 Then I thought of Jeb!   You remember Jeb! he was the presumptive GOP nominee and we were going to have an adult discussion and normal discourse about the future of our country.  It would be the fifth set in an epic Bush-Clinton/Obama Wimbledon match with the country deciding once and for all which direction put us on a better path forward.   

Jeb! had the pedigree to appeal to the base and just enough compassion to pull the skittish Hillary supporters   He carried the power -and the burden- of the Bush name but tried to differentiate himself with the Hispanic wife, those funny glasses which made him look a bit smarter than his older brother and he could hang his hat on the fact he never did anything as silly as trading Sammy Sosa  

Then Trump showed up, it was all a big publicity stunt until he decided to unleash fire and fury at poor Jeb! a guy who just wanted you to clap.   And the Fire was bigger than any we had seen before, the old guard couldn't put it out, it burned for months.  The Fury was worse as poor Jeb! got atomic wedgie after atomic wedgie and then shoved into his locker until he just couldn't take it anymore.  He tapped out thinking that the sharp elbows of Ted Cruz could slow him down enough to give Marco a shot at the crown but they too got Trumped.   

Marco's manhood was questioned, Ted's wife and dad were not off limits and both went silently into the night.  The only one who never caved was Kasich but he also looks like he just walked out of a mental asylum with the charisma of a iceberg salad  

So Fire and Fury probably means nothing really, like most thing Trumo says there really hasn't been much thought put to it.  

The way I sleep at night is that he's a poker player who can easily take the money of the guys in his dorm room but when he gets on a world stage, busts on the river trying for an inside straight   It just so happens we have 63 million people who got taken in their dorm room  

But Angela and Vlad and Justin and Xi and the rest of the professionals are not your average American voter living in Dayton   They aren't going to be suckered in my a two bit poker player 

But on the other side of the table this time is a guy every part his equal.  Obese, self obsessed, maniacle, badly dressed with seemingly poor hygiene and with a disregard for honest media.   

So when Big Kim says that they can hit Guam and Big Don says "no thank you, I don't like fruit" you aren't sure if these two are playing chicken or if they are both hoping somebody comes over and delivers fried chicken.

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Steven Miller

The search to replace the Mooch has gone in a few directions but none more odd than the choice being floated recently of Steven Miller. It's not that he isn't competent (he certainly is that), it's not that he isn't manically evil enough (we know he is that), it's not even that he isn't reviled enough (he's hated by just about everybody).
It's that this guy has no charisma, watching him describe he new immigration ban with his Jared Fogle like sleepy eyes, is like watching hairspray dry. The guy has the personality of a wet cat and the body type of a prepubescent boy. And his voice sounds like that prepubescent boy choking that wet cat.

But it's probably a good opportunity for him, he should take the money and run.

We'd likely find him in 20 years tied up in Steve Brannon's basement.

Take on the working vacation

Our president is such an insecure boob, you'd think he wouldn't be able to get himself dressed in the morning. This guy has spent the last few days constantly tweeting about his un-vacation and trying to make everybody feel better that he's having meeting and making calls!!! I'd honestly prefer him to lay low for a few weeks and let the government run without his "leadership".
I've ben working for 20+ years and have always "worked" through my vacations. This isn't novel or special or anything, it's called being an adult professional.

But still our president feels the need to remind us all of how hard he works.
Is there any doubt this is the same dickhead who yells out "half day today" when somebody leaves the office at 4:45 on a Friday?
.

Take on dueling vacations

Vlad trolled Trump and he trolled him hard. This weekend both leaders went on vacation and while Trump was dunking on donuts in between rounds of golf cart racing looking like a completely grotesque beached whale. Meanwhile Vlad was sunbathing topless on a lake in Siberia in between killing bob casts with his bare hands, and bare chest presumably. This is where we are, Putin is not only in Trump's head, his physique next to Trump is burned into my retinas. It will be all anybody will think about when our two countries meet on the battle ground, one commander in chief who looks like Adonis, the other who looks like grimace.

Thanks America, we elected a complete slob

Take on another round

At 6:36 today, Trump tweeted that his three weeks at his golf club in the swamp that is New Jersey wasn't a vacation, it was just to allow some much needed construction in the White House. His is entirely possible but what was off was that within minutes of his tweet, cameras caught him playing golf. Now we have said hundreds of times that he should play all the golf he wants, truthfully we'd like him to play more golf and do less talking, tweeting, sucking, colluding and everything else under the sun.

But of course we all remember how he trolled Obama for years about his golf habits, so whenever he squeezes into that one pair of Walmart dockers, that nasty white polo and the stupid red hat, I just laugh.

I hope we are checking to make sure none of the guys doing the redo in the Oval Office aren't a. Inch of Russian laborers. Although with this administration, the Russian bugs probably come from inside

Take on the last of the Mooch

The Mooch is really the gift that keeps on giving. He promised a news conference earlier this week which he later cancelled as he said he wanted to concentrate on his personal life and family. We took this to mean that he was standing outside of his wife's house with a boombox over his head playing Right Said Fred.
Then today, out of nowhere, the Mooch tweeted. At 4:38 on a summer Friday, the Mooch gave us a gift with a political cartoon that describes all of our feelings. The Mooch left us too quickly, he had so much more to give, so much more to say, so many people to kick in the dick.

The best thing was that the Mooch hasn't lost his sense of humor and it sounds like his confidence is back. So if you are a twenty something and planning on being out in The Hamptons, your future husband is likely going to be doing shots of tequila off of some coed asses, so you might just have a shot

Take on our all time low Russian relationship

I've never had a relationship with a Russian, so wouldn't have any idea how low it can get, but apparently whatever that low point can be, we're there.  Little Fingers got in a huffy this morning and tweeted out how our congress has ruined this great friendship we supposedly had with Mother Russia which only reinforces the friendship he has with them.  As you can see in the transcripts from his conversations with allies like Mexico and Australia, Trump doesn't quite know which side his bread is buttered, or maybe he does.   Or maybe he is just a subscriber to the old adage of keeping your enemies closer than your friends, although he seems to keep his friends like they are his enemies. 

Anyway, Mueller has a grand jury, the AG in New York is building a case and there was a huge double rainbow over the White House today.  What a glorious day. 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the terrible SHS look

When Sarah Huckabee Sanders was pressed on Little Finger Don's role in the misleading Little Don letter about his Russian meeting she became more and more frustrated. I can't blame her, she has to be in the most unenviable positions in the country, a position she gladly accepted mind you. She's willfully misleading the narrative knowing full well that another story will break shortly that will completely contradict her first statement and discredit her even further.

But really that wasn't the worst thing she did yesterday, which in her world can just be described as "Tuesday", the worst thing was that pirate shirt top she chose. It's as if instead of looking in a mirror, she decided to stare at her grotesque looking old man who himself often looks like he's wearing his lap-belt as an actual belt

And really if we're holding her to standards similar to her Spicy predecessor, the fact that she looked like a peacock with a gamer stuck in her shirt, is fair game.

Take on the Daily News Mooch troll.

You just have to love the trolling the NY Daily News has been doing on the Mooch throughout his 11 days of infamy.   I think that every article posted about him has the same photo of him sniffing his two fingers as if he just had two in the Huckabee Sanders honeypot.  Today's cover (https://twitter.com/yashar/status/892337623796252672) even took it a step further with the Mooch appearing to sniff Trump's Huckabee covered midget fingers.   Literally every... single.. article.. had the same photo.   I'm not sure if it's from a single shot or if the guy just likes smelling the underside of his own sack.  

But this is where we are, this WhiteHouse is so dysfunctional that they can't even keep their best guest character on for more than one episode.  We needed more Mooch not less and John Kelly is going to so booooring it will almost make the White House look competent 

My working theory now is that The Mooch was ousted mainly by a Trump family member, and I'm not going with the Melanie and Ivanka were disturbed by the crude language thing.  

He was ousted by Little Don who didn't like the idea of being the second biggest jersey shore meathead in the orbit of his daddy.   

Kenny from MadMen better watch out if he hopes to get a gig next, those Trump boys don't like imposters

Sent from my iPhone