Take on Jacob Wohl

Jacob Wohl is in the news as he and some other dipshit named Jack Burkman teamed up to try to frame Big Dick Bob Mueller with some wackadoodle conspiracy theory. Of course this entire thing can crashing down and both men have been tied to Trump which is about as surprising as finding out both are virgins

Maybe Jack is not a virgin because he is at least old and maybe he wasn't always crazy. But Jacob just looks like he has never seen a live vagina other than the one he came out of. He would have easily one a competition of ugliest dudes in my high school and we had a lot of ugly dudes.

The guy looks like a walking pepperoni pizza

Take on Ye President

Poor Kanye, he was used by Donald Trump and finally realized it. The fit was always a bit odd especially because prior to this Kanye's other political moment was denouncing the Republican President at the time for hating black people. This is a guy who has really lost all respect and perspective, a guy who you'd think would rally around the fight for the black man but instead threw his support around the fat dummy in the White House.
But then again, he sold out a long time ago by marrying that wench, so be really has nowhere to go but up

Take on an unlikely voice of reason.

When Matt F'in Drudge is the voice of reason within your ideology , you know you are doing something wrong. The FoxNews quack quack morning show had a segment about how mail bomb scares could affect the midterms and the United colors of Benetton decided it was hysterical and laughed their way through it. It would have gone unsaid since..you know the tree falling in the forest thing..but Matt Drudge was probably binge watching and even he was appalled by the callousness of the entire thing

Next we are going to get a tweet from Eric Trump saying we should be nicer to gay people or Muslims or gay Muslims...the day that happens count your chips because the apocalypse is upon us.

Take on Old Lou

FoxBusiness ha great morals. They pulled a Lou Dobbs episode where one of his lunatic guests pushed a conspiracy theory about George Soros funding the caravan. This must have taken some real balls by the Murdoch's for pulling this episode from their lineup. I'm not sure when they play repeats but if they are anything like any of the other "news" channels, my guess is never. Can you imagine sitting around on a cold winter night, fireplace crackling and you and your wife just want a glass of wine and to watch Old Lou and find that they are showing Old Old Lou episodes. There are new conspiracy theories that you need for that cold winter night and you are stuck watching Old Lou talk about Old conspiracy theories, ones that are not only crazy but also already well debunked.

The real conspiracy is what the hell happened to Old Lou's hair?!? Between the Botox, the facelift and the died hair, he looks like a complete sex addict just jonesing for a bottle of blue pills for a couple of $50 BJ's.

Take on Trump the Chump

God our president is a moron. He has no sense of the value of human lives, seeing every incident as a political opportunity. This is a guy who complained that discussing the massacre at the synagogue ruined his hair while discussing it in the rain, this is the guy who leaves his wet umbrella open for others to clean up.

This is a guy who on the day of the worst attack on Jewish People in our country in decided to attend a political rally. This is a man who you'd think would feel some connections considering he has a Jewish daughter, Jewish son in law and Jewish grandkids but he doesn't. But even that connection isn't what bothers you, it's the fact that as the leader of this country, he has no ability to even show sorrow for anything or anybody.

Take on the crazy Trump supporter

I'm of the opinion that if you drive a white van covered in stickers, you probably shouldn't be allowed anywhere near PVC piping or ricin or well anything. Sometimes these domestic terrorists are able to hide like the Unabomber who stayed out of sight for decades and then there are those guys who telegraph their craziness by turning up Alex Jones to 11.
Trump bears some blame, even if he will avoid it like he avoided the draft but when it is all set and done, stoking the lunatic right is exactly what he claims is happening with the far left So like most things Trump the things he accuses other of are things he is intimately familiar with.

Take on the pipe bombs

File this under least surprising thing you'll read today. AP sources are saying that the lie search clog databases point to Florida as the starting point which is about as surprising as reading a headline about some guy in Florida smacked out on sea salts running around a highway naked and trying to eat a pedestrian's face.

These pipe bombs were crudely made and none of them actually exploded which makes you wonder if we are dealing with complete amateurs or if they were purely a publicity stunt.

The thing is that in the climate we are living in today, it is no surprise that these kinds of things are popping up in place of normal discourse. We have become a nation of inaction when it comes to addressing this level of incivility and unlike a real leader, the buck doesn't stop with Trump but starts with him

Take on the unsecured cellphone

Trump is not a smart man, this is something we all know. But when you read how lax he is with his cellphone, it's frightening. It's not that Trump is a total idiot, although that point can be argued; it's that he is so self confident that he doesn't believe anything negative can ever happen to him. This is where his incompetence shines mostly in his inability to see his own vulnerability. Now today we have insight on how vulnerable he -and in turn our country- is. He is texting the FoxNews morning quack-quack show from his phone and ever grievance, every slight, every misspelling is being analyzed by the Chinese, the Russians and likely a thousand other governments.
But he refuses to give us his unsecured phone mostly because he isn't very bright.

Take on the challenge of covering the honestly challenged

You'd have to imagine that covering Donald Trump is a double edge sword for a journalist today. On the one hand guy get tons of material, you are never scrambling to fill up space and you are rarely ever left without a controversy of some sort. On the other hand, how many ways you can your write something to the effect of "which cannot be verified by anybody anywhere at any time"
We get that Trump exaggerates, embellished and often just plain lies but he's got a remarkable ability to avoid any kind of long lasting scrutiny

Even his supporters will say "I wish he didn't tweet as often" or "we know he's like that but..". When you can't take a a man at his word or even worse you can't take him at his exaggerations, you are in trouble but when that man is the President and we stop caring, we are all in trouble

God, this national nightmare is closing in on two years, the only saving grace is that there are only two years left

Take on American Civics 101

Nobody has used the bully pulpit quite like Trump. He has used his position, his vast reach and the media's need to cover everything he has said like no politician before him. He can literally say a Martian cam to visit him and suggested he might be the baby Jesus and his followers will believe him, his detractors will scream about it and the media will fall over itself to cover it.

This weekend he stated -seemingly out of the blue- that they were "studying very deeply right now round the clock a major tax cut for middle income people." This is a win on the ballot box even if it would balloon deficits even further but what this isn't is truthful. It's not truthful because nobody in congress knows anything about this major tax overhaul and even if they were, well, they aren't in session. So to pass a bill that hasn't been written, discussed or reconciled while congress is on hiatus seems like a bit of a stretch. But there will be plenty of Trump supporters who will believe him and I'm sure there is some sucker who will be interviewed in the next few days to say that the tax cut is already helping him in his paycheck.

The Democrats should start airing the Schoolhouse Rock how a bill becomes law" cartoon to troll Trump

Take on the AP tone deaf post.

The AP needs an editor. They aren't making spelling or grammatical mistakes but they could
use an editor when it comes to their tone deaf post and maybe looking at their own biases.

Today's headline screamed "a ragged, growing army of migrants march toward US" and decided to accompany the headline with a photo of poor children in tattered clothes looking malnourished. This is the army they are afraid of? A bunch of five year olds and their exhausted mothers.
The damage of Trump is so deep that this seems acceptable, the AP is supposed to be the most non partisan voice out there, yet here ether are echoing the terminology of our president and stoking fear.

Be better AP

Take on Pauly Walnuts

Pauly Walnuts showed up in court yesterday sitting in a wheelchair which has to the poorest planned court appearance stunt since Teddy Kennedy showed up wearing that stupid neck brace. We get that he's trying to pull some heartstrings but you have to be a total moron to believe there is any truth to this thing and even a bigger moron to give him some relief because of it. What it likely is l, is a long play as it will give Trump cover to pardon him later as he'll claim he's on his deathbed

If Manafort spends the rest of his days confined to a wheeled chair while being confined in a cell that will still mean he got away with far more than he ever faced.
Guy is a crook who should be given no leniency.

Take on Hillary’s next election

Dear Hillary
Please. Go. Away.
We have been to your restaurant, we have tried your quiche and we have had your coffee and it was nice but really I don't want to go back. The American people don't want to go back. Maybe it's unfair that you never got the ultimate prize as you went up against two of the most talented campaigners and gifted politicians I've ever seen. (I'm using gifted very loosely here but do think Trump is talented and has a gift). The problem is that you also have a gift and it also brings people out to vote...the Republicans.
We know the election was most certainly compromised by Russian bots and the office is likely rightfully yours. For this I feel terrible, terrible for you, terrible for me but mostly terrible for our country. The destruction that DJT will have done by the time this is all set and done is impossible to really quantify. But even with that said, it was also very apparent that America didn't really love your quiche and your coffee wasn't hot enough and the fact that you protected Bill and slammed his accusers doesn't work anymore. Your own party is lukewarm to you, your opposition hates you and by running again we are signing our own death-wish by likely getting 4 more years of this. We may also deprive ourselves of a truly great leader, somebody who can inspire, somebody who can motivate, somebody who can lead us through this fog by sheer personality.
You had your chance, you almost got there but it's time to move on.
I want a woman president, this country needs it as the final step of the fight for suffrage, we need to put an end to women's second class role in this country and it may never happened until we have a woman president.

We just don't want you.

Make your money, go on hikes, write your memoir (I'll buy it) but don't run again.


Sincerely,
The American Voters

Take on the Bolton-Kelly battle.

John Bolton and John Kelly has a battle royal in the White House today and people thought that it may lead to one of them resigning.

They are both pretty evil humans so rooting for one is like rooting for Pol Pot over Stalin but in terms of taking wagers you have to favor Kelly over Bolton here. One guy was a marine and the other guy is a walking breathing marionette doll (https://goo.gl/images/bRbJFu)

John Bolton looks like he can't curl a five pound dumbbell, he is the kind of guy who has zero muscle definition. Add to that his stupid Ned Flanders' mustaches and nobody can be surprised that he's still a virgin..

Bolton really has no physical attribute worth describing. He looks like a limp dick attached to a sagging scrotum which is one of the reasons I'd never think he'd work out with Trump

Take on the presidential picture

I know this is a few days late but I feel it is TOR's duty to comment on the presidential picture hanging in Trump's office. I get why some dude would hang it in his basement bar or shitter but having the president hang a print it in his own office seems a bit...vain.

But what really insults my intelligence is that the artist took some real liberties when painting this thing. Ford looks a bit taller than he might have been, there is now way that W is still standing, Dick seems way too jolly but the most insulting thing is that Trump doesn't look like a gigantic stuffed pig. He looks sort of svelte which is an insult to anybody who has ever turned down a mozzarella stick Trump in real life looks like a gigantic bag of potatoes after having been punched silly by a kangaroo. His lumps have lumps, his face looks like a balloon right before it's going to pop and his ass is so big you wonder if he can sit down while standing up

Take on horseface

When our president refers to a woman he had sex with while married to his third wife who had just given birth to his fifth kid as horseface, you know we are doing something wrong as a country. This is the guy we elected, who many of our fellow citizens cheer at rallies, who people believe is a man of Christ.

This is what we get when we elect a petty man, with a small mushroom shaped wiener, and then give him hours of executive time. You wouldn't give a five year old the amount of executive time we give this guy and it really proves again that the fall is the worst time for him because it's too cold to golf around DC.

We need to get this man a heated golf course or move him down to Florida permanently so that he'll have less time to embarrass us all.

Take on Warren’s birther moment.

The news of the day was Elizabeth Warren coming out with some forensics test to prove she has some Native American blood today with the hope it would dispel the rumors. This proves to just walk right into another Trump trap where he immediately denied giving a crap about her lineage. He trolled her and when she tried to reason with her, he basically said it didn't matter anyway. Maybe this is a lesson, but next time she goes out of her way to try to prove something she should look at Obama and his birth certificate. It's not as if Trump really doubts it, it's that he knows his supporters are dumb enough to doubt it. But this is where the Dems get it so wrong, they think that if they just prove it, it will go away but it only emboldens Trump to go lower. He is the ultimate troll and these libs twist themselves into a pretzel trying to reason with this moron

So next time Trump accuses Beto of having an out of wedlock child or Bernie of having been a member of the communist party, don't take the bait..no matter how stinky

Take on the 2020 Democratic field

The first polling for the 2020 field is out and not surprisingly the nearly 50% of Democrats would like an an old white guy who has run for and failed to become president multiple times.
We get that Bernie is sexy in some weird hipster way and Biden is sexy in some kind of geriatric way but neither is going to beat Trump. The Dems need some life, some exciting, some pizazz and instead will run out a bunch of old guys older thank dirt

I'm not sure who they should be looking at the most only Kamala Harris (polling at 9%) seems like a good choice. Corey Booker has too many Wall Street skeletons, Elizabeth Warren is just going toad for a SNL episode against Trump. Nobody believes Bloomberg will do it, John Kerry is as likable as tooth decay. I've never heard of the rear of the bums other than Michael Avenatti and please god don't let it be Avenatti

Take on the pastor

Am I the only one in the world who doesn't give a crap about some random pastor getting released. I am not one who cares about religion and don't think that juT because one is religious (Christian) your country should go any further to get your release than if you were not religious or a religious non-Christian. So when Trump welcomes this Brunson dude I didn't care and still don't but it is interesting that these religious right embraces Trump while hating his predecessors who was an honest family man, with upstanding moral whose biggest distraction for them was that he tried to provide health-care for all
Instead they embrace the thrice married and twice divorced guy with more skeletons in his closet than wigs who's entire brand is on self promotion based on convoluted morality

Take on Teresa Sue Klein

Nothing is more disgusting than the woman who accused the nine year old boy of grabbing her ass (https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/12/nyregion/woman-calls-police-black-boy-brooklyn.html?action=click&module=In%20Other%20News&pgtype=Homepage&action=click&module=Latest&pgtype=Homepage) when he had in fact brushed up against it with his backpack.  Well saying that nothing is more disgusting is not true since the one thing that is more disgusting is the women herself, some tramp named Teresa Klein who looks like a cross between Howard Stern and Alice Cooper

The funny thing is the first time you see the surveillance  video, you aren’t even sure who the “assaulted” woman is since Klein honestly looks like a dude standing at the counter.  The ass hat the kid apparently tried to grab looks like a chalk board.  But it isn’t until a few second later when you see that her ass isn’t the most vile thing in the store, but rather her

behavior when she does this WWE gyration in the direction of the two kids 

Then later when you see her in her full venom standing outside berating the people in the neighborhood do you realize that this woman must have been sent from deep inside Trump land to try to destroy the lives of innocent young inner city kids. 

Hey Teresa I don’t think there is a person in their right mind who’d touch your crack.  

Take on Teresa Sue Klein

Nothing is more disgusting than the woman who accused the nine year old boy of grabbing her ass (https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/12/nyregion/woman-calls-police-black-boy-brooklyn.html?action=click&module=In%20Other%20News&pgtype=Homepage&action=click&module=Latest&pgtype=Homepage) when he had in fact brushed up against it with his backpack.  Well saying that nothing is more disgusting is not true since the one thing that is more disgusting is the women herself, some tramp named Teresa Klein who looks like a cross between Howard Stern and Alice Cooper

The funny thing is the first time you see the surveillance  video, you aren't even sure who the "assaulted" woman is since Klein honestly looks like a dude standing at the counter.  The ass hat the kid apparently tried to grab looks like a chalk board.  But it isn't until a few second later when you see that her ass isn't the most vile thing in the store, but rather her

behavior when she does this WWE gyration in the direction of the two kids 

Then later when you see her in her full venom standing outside berating the people in the neighborhood do you realize that this woman must have been sent from deep inside Trump land to try to destroy the lives of innocent young inner city kids. 

Hey Teresa I don't think there is a person in their right mind who'd touch your crack.  

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Teresa Sue Klein

Nothing is more disgusting than the woman who accused the nine year old boy of grabbing her ass when he had in fact brushed up against it with his backpack. Well saying that nothing is more disgusting is not true since the one thing that is more disgusting is the women herself, some tramp named Teresa Klein who looks like a cross between Howard Stern and Alice Cooper

The funny thing is the first time you see the surveillance video, you aren't even sure who the "assaulted" woman is since Klein honestly looks like a dude standing at the counter. The ass hat the kid apparently tried to grab looks like a chalk board. But it isn't until a few second later when you see that her ass isn't the most vile thing in the store, but rather her
behavior when she does this WWE gyration in the direction of the two kids
Then later when you see her in her full venom standing outside berating the people in the neighborhood do you realize that this woman must have been sent from deep inside Trump land to try to destroy the lives of innocent young inner city kids.

Hey Teresa I don't think there is a person in their right mind who'd touch your crack.

Take on Teresa Sue Klein

Nothing is more disgusting than the woman who accused the nine year old boy of grabbing her ass (https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/12/nyregion/woman-calls-police-black-boy-brooklyn.html?action=click&module=In%20Other%20News&pgtype=Homepage&action=click&module=Latest&pgtype=Homepage) when he had in fact brushed up against it with his backpack.  Well saying that nothing is more disgusting is not true since the one thing that is more disgusting is the women herself, some tramp named Teresa Klein who looks like a cross between Howard Stern and Alice Cooper

The funny thing is the first time you see the surveillance  video, you aren't even sure who the "assaulted" woman is since Klein honestly looks like a dude standing at the counter.  The ass hat the kid apparently tried to grab looks like a chalk board.  But it isn't until a few second later when you see that her ass isn't the most vile thing in the store, but rather her

behavior when she does this WWE gyration in the direction of the two kids 

Then later when you see her in her full venom standing outside berating the people in the neighborhood do you realize that this woman must have been sent from deep inside Trump land to try to destroy the lives of innocent young inner city kids. 

Hey Teresa I don't think there is a person in their right mind who'd touch your crack.  

Sent from my iPhone

Take on meeting of the stupid

Seeing Kanye in the Oval Office today made time wonder how such a completely unqualified nitwit celebrity could be able to command this kind of audience and then realized that goes both ways in this case.

Honestly there are no words for the stupidity that is this administration. Not only are they obsessed with reliving the 2016 election, they want to do it with a Kid Rock and Kanye West soundtrack.
This is where we are, Florida is getting battered and we for a budding international crisis with Saudi Arabia on our hands and our president is playing footsies with Kim Kardashian's husband.

This is what we've become, a complete laughing stock for the world to see

God I hate it.

Take on Trump’s Katrina moment

With one of the worst hurricanes our country has seen bearing down on the Florida panhandle, Trump decided to go to Erie for a campaign rally. We know that there is very little he can do in DC that he can't in Erie or in the air but the optics are W flyover Katrina bad.

But this is the president we elected, a guy who is more concerned to get showered with admiration while he berated evil democrats than the reality -or at minimum the optics- of being out of touch. What is especially shocking is that the hurricane is heading right into Trump country, this isn't happening to Miami or New Orleans but to places which are redder than Trump is orange. So the devastation will likely be on the one part of the Trump electorate he can't afford to lose.

Anyway, hope people evacuated and it's all not that bad but when Trump looks like an out of touch lunatic after this, don't say we didn't warn him


Oh yeah, the market also took a dump today, wonder if he'll mention that

Take on Nikki’s departure

As the world awaits the meeting between Nikki Haley and Trump we have a few theories to why she may have resigned so unexpectedly

- she was the author of the OpEd. This has been something that has been hypothesized for weeks, so not a big surprise. It is of note that I recall her vehemently denying writing it

- although this plays right into the above theory, maybe she has had enough and is taking a calculated stand here to jump ship in anticipation of 2020.

- Maybe the Kavanaugh thing really pissed her off

- she actually is taking over for Rod Rosenstein who was the first to resign last night

- she really was the one who ordered those curtains in the Ambassador suite apartment in New York City and she's been found out

- Trump Jr. hit on her and asked her for nudes

Take on KAC

Kellyanne Conway is a miserable human and her idea that American women see their husbands, sounds and brothers in Brett Kavanaugh seems to be perfectly set. Dudes have a horrible history of doing and saying horrible things and reminding American women that our newest justice is the worst of American men. This is probably an appropriate for this turn in events considering where we are.
So thank you KAC for reminding us that there are exactly three women on the court and all of them were brought on by Democrats.

Take on the poor decision.

There was no worse decision than The NY Times releasing the story of the lie that Trump is a self made billionaire story. Not because it shouldn't have been told but because they released it -after a year and a half of diligent work- in the midst of the Kavanaugh confirmation hearings. This was the work of three reporters who apparently worked tirelessly to piece together the entire scheme and it got about a half a day of airtime. It's a example of the nature of Teflon Don Trump since every scandal is followed by another one that wipes the first one off of the map. We've been here before and nothing ever means anything but this was particularly sad as it undercut the main message that (less than) half of this country fell in love with this lunatic.

Take on terrible pants

Indiana Melania showed up in Egypt today and made another fashion statement. The pyramids served as her backdrop as she was interviewed for something or other where she likely didn't say anything of any value

People have commented on her outfit as it seemed a bit ridiculous but I'll say, she's a pretty woman but those pleated khakis make her look like she's five hundred pound and four foot nothing. The jacket is stupid in its own right and the Seinfeld level puffy shirt is horrible (the hat is cool and I kind of like the Reservoir Dogs thin tie) but the pants are just awful, they make it look like she has an ass in the front. These thing should be burned to the ground along with her granny panties.

Take on the spineless one.

Susan Collins has made a career out of appearing like she's a moderate and claiming to think about an issue in nonpartisan way but when push comes to shove she's no less moderate than Mitch McConnell or Paul Ryan.

There is no senator who has gotten more out of her seemingly ability to see past party lines and has delivered on that ability less than Collins. She is weak in the knees and stands for nothing other than true GOP orthodoxy which would be fine if she didn't try to play it both ways

At least Mukowski has a spine

Take on Bart Kavanaugh

Somebody got to Brett Kavanaugh and told him be better show some contrition but instead he penned an oped where he said he might have gotten too emotional. No shit Sherlock, you were weeping like a baby bud sadly nobody bought it. We all know you've lived a privileged life and have likely spent more money on hookers and blow than the rest of us will earn in a life but know this.... be glad your high school and college (and post college and shit your last week's) private conversations were not recorded somewhere because is there any doubt in m that you used the N word very liberally in your youth. This is like getting a car at 16 when you go to private school, ingrained racism is a right of passage Although to Trump's base that might be a badge of honor and not a demerit.

Take on the annoying alert

At 2:18pm everything changed. At that point we all
one of those Amber Alert FlashFlooding things that turned the entire office into a frantic phone search but instead of a missing kid of an underwater road, this new method allows the federal government i.e. the President, to text everybody simultaneously if there is a terror attack or another emergency. But there is nobody who didn't think that Trump wasn't somehow considering this for political gain. You just have a feeling that the next time there is an Access Hollywood type tape, we might all get a warning about a heightened alert or if the polls aren't looking promising then you can see him calling some kind of national emergency.

If this was truly a national emergency warning method, why not have it sent from FEMA instead of from the president. How about if he's incapacitated at the time, does the alert still go out??

But this is who we elected, a child with his finger on the trigger

Take on Trump Country

This is who leads our country, this is who our young boys and girls are suppose to looked up to, this is who should be the guiding light but instead we get Trump.
A guy who writes love letters to Kim Jung Un, a guy who has perpetuated more conspiracy theories than Alex Jones, a guy who mocks disabled reporters, embarrasses able bodied ones, one who fights with our allies and embraces our enemies, one whose closet isn't big enough to hide the skeletons and the one who can say anything and nobody flinches.
His little rant about Dr Ford today is the antithesis of class and is exactly what you'd expect out of him

Take on our misogynistic president

Trump is a total pig and the group of white dudes who stand behind him ready to felate him at a moment's notice should all be hung by their tiny testicles.  

Trump decided to be Trump today, fresh off of his rebranding of NAFTA, he took the opportunity to insult a woman doing her job like only he can.  And like the guys who hang with the high school bully, his group of unathletic lackeys just stood behind him and laughed.  

Trump: "She's shocked I picked her, she's in a state of shock"

Reporter: "I'm not, thank you Mr. President"

Trump: "I know you're not thinking, you never do"

Reporter: "I'm sorry?"

Trump: "Go ahead"

Mnuchin in the back is likely he happiest dweeb out of that collection of old pasty white ballsacks because you just know Trump would give that squirmy twerp the Jeb! treatment if he ever turned around. 

Sent from my iPhone