Take on the men's room vending machine

Who exactly goes to a bar and grill pisser and think "I really need a
lemon flavored condom or a cock ring"?
I walk not a place the other day and see one of those big machines and
think that they must just be a bar novelty at this point. First of
all those lambskin rubbers can't even prevent a head cold and a glow
in the dark make enhancer sounds utterly useless. Then again, there
are a lot of freaks out there

Take on the dog in a bag

I had dogs growing up and always knew i had to carry around a bag,
which was a very different kind of bag than these broads today ate
carrying when they are out with their dogs

I have never quite gotten the appeal of somebody carrying around a
mutt in a purse. Yeah, this works for Paris Hilton or one of her
cronies, but they have personal assistants who can clean out the dog
crap and deal with all the fuss. For a 'normal' chick this just seems
ludicrous because there is just no way a dog is made to go inside of a
bag. Most of the time you see people carrying these toy-dogs around
which are in themselves ridiculous and worthless but today I saw some
broad lugging around a dog which must have weighed 20 pounds. Her
shoulder was noticeably slouched as she was carrying the equivalent of
a bowling ball on her arm.
At least a bowling ball won't pee on your leg

take on the $765,000,000 lawsuit settlement

it was just reported over the wires that the NFL has settled a $765 million dollar lawsuit with former players over concussions and I'm sure the big dollar sign will grab all the headlines.

What this doesn't do, though, is make a significant difference in the lives of the nearly 4500 players who this affects, as the payout per player (assuming no money is put aside for ones not mentioned in the lawsuit) is $170,000.   I won't poo-poo this kind of money, and for some players who never got much above a practice squad, this could actually be a decent chunk of change...But, for what I imagine is a large majority of players who have lived a high-life, the chance at getting about $70k after taxes, lawyers, hangers-on etc, this won't change their lives.

I don't feel all that bad about this either, because as anybody with half a brain (no pun intended) should know.. getting repeatedly hit in the head will probably lead to long term injuries.   Take any interview with a former boxer and you'll see that they aren't all there, the same thing can easily be said for any number of football players who you hear on the radio basically drooling out of the side of their mouths.

I'm just glad that I don't have any sons, as it will take the decision of whether or not to play such a contact sport, virtually nil.

Take on the half hour suspension

If there is a bigger sham than the 30 minute suspension Johnny
Football received, I'd like to hear it. Obviously anybody with half
a brain knows that he took money for autographs, because why else
would you sit in a hot hotel room exposing yourself to the wrath of
the NCAA and a nasty case of carpal tunnel syndrome.
The problem is that most of the country doesn't see this as a serious
transgression, so the debate immediately goes to the validity of the
rule, not the breaking of it
But a half-an-hour suspension against a cupcake team seems ludicrous,
we all know that he was probably only going to play a half anyway, it
will just be reversed this time.
You either suspend him or you don't, this half ass hedge is bull

Take on the Budget FastBreak

Business travelers have a lot of perks, free snacks at the hotel,
upgrades on flights and easy car rentals and when everything works, it
really works.
The problem is when things fall apart, like when I showed up at the
airport and next to my name on Budget's Fast Break board it said
"counter". So here I went along with George Glenn Doby, John Flynn and
Jamie Goldberg to the miserably long line along with all the
vacationers needing three car seats, maps and barf-bags, and before
you knew it a 30 second transaction became one where I would have
preferred a sharp icepick to the urethra.

Take on the old man pains

Everyday I am reminded of my mortality, or at least of my age as it
takes me longer and longer to get warmed up during runs or stretch my
legs during walks. What really nailed it for me was nine, mostly
miserable, holes of golf over the weekend. It wasn't the four
consecutive shots I pitched over the green, the five putt on six or
the 60 I shot for the day, but the fact that this morning I felt like
my entire Fantasy Football league taps danced all over my back
I sat on a flight this morning for 2.5 hours and when I got up, I
looker like a total cripple, barely able move

I will be having three Advil's for lunch

Take on Trump University

When I saw the headline about the Attorney General suing the Trump
University, I wasn't surprised. We all love Trump, sort of, not so
much for his business davy or his charm but mostly because he's a
complete idiot who gets airtime for being a rich buffoon.
But what really gets me worth this case is that it's based on people
feeling defrauded which would imply that somebody actually paid money
to Trump thinking this was a legit school. I get that there is a
market for the University of Phoenix model but paying a university
whose namesake has cut his teeth on the Celebrity Apprentice and the
Miss Universe competitions seems a but off, especially as it was a
grad level thing

Take on the IKEA catalogue

When I read the OMGFact about there being more IKEA catalogues in
print than Bibles, I wasn't shocked. Not because it doesn't seem
ridiculous, but because it seems believable. We get about four copies
delivered ourselves and they have piles upon piles of them propping up
Expedit bookcases throughout the store.
What I am shocked about is that that have to print new copies yearly
as the selection of furniture they have never ever changes

What I would appreciate is a Swedish translator so I can tell a Hemnes
or a Detolf from a Sven

Take on the Starbucks confession

I have a confession to make, whenever I go to Starbucks to get my
better half a grande no water chai latte thing, I have to make sure
everybody knows it's not for me. Maybe I am not secure enough with
my masculinity or maybe I just don't want anybody thinking I drink
that crap, but I will always make it a point to say something like.
"Yeah my wife loves these things" or "can you leave a little room on
the top, my wife hate when it spills". I know it's a bit juvenile,
but then again so am I

Take on the blood blister

I ask chicks to suffer for style by never going out with a heel
smaller than 4 inches, so the least I could so is suffer for fitness.
I started training for a Tough Mudder and between the fat thigh
chafing, the cracked heels and the painful nipples, I came across
another typical chick injury...blood blisters

I ran 9 miles yesterday and when I finally got home, my sock was
bloody from a nasty blister Obviously this isn't life threatening,
but I am kind of a wimp, so it hurt like hell all day

Take on the 3/4 cup of Pike Place Roast

Considering they get away with charging you nearly $3 for a cup of
coffee, you can't be surprised when they rip you off again. I walk
into the Starbucks earlier today and order a large Venti Grande coffee
and by the time I'm half way home, I realize they filled my cup about
3/4 of the way to the top. Bastards think that just because they
make a great blend they can bang me for a half empty cup.

This, Fourbucks, is war!!!

Take on the frat house

When you go away for a week on vacation in one big house with 20
people, you realize why reality television is such a huge success.
The infighting, arguing and backstabbing which are all part of human
nature get amplified when people are force to share a toilet.
I have to think that the people who invented The Real World, just
spent two weeks on vacation and the concept for thousands of senseless
hours of TV, hit them like a 2x4

Take on the 90% rich tax

There might not be anything dumber than the socially mantra of "tax
the rich" We believe in everybody paying their fair share and
understand that the wealthy will undoubtedly pay a higher amount than
there middle class counterparts but this Occupy mentality of taxing
income till people submit, or more away, is sickening. I saw a sign
on the subway with the tongue in check commentary with the
catch-phrase "tax the rich, 90%" which is many cases would make them
poor. I believe in hard work needing to be rewarded, not sure I know
anybody who is not to presently lazy who would disagree with that.

Take on the fine fine print

We are all aware that advertisers will use tricks of the trade to
entice buyers to consider their products but the highway signs are
almost criminal in their use of fine print. I drive down 95
yesterday and catch a sign for 65% off GE appliances, which sounds
like a heck of a deal....until you realize that in the finest if print
it reads "10% to" before the largest 65 you have ever seen. Now this
is a road you are typically barreling down doing 65 (coincidence??) so
how anybody expect you to be able to read the fine print is
impossible. Then again, I guess that is the point

Take on the ailment

I started seriously running again a few weeks ago which meant that all
of a sudden I'd be facing some if my old ailments. Twisted ankles,
sore feet and bloody toenails are issues all runners deal with but
the most painful one might actually be something that has nothing to
do with the lower extremities. The most painful has to be the
incredible chaffing I forgot happens when you run while overweight

My fat chick thighs rubbed together so much during my 8 mile tun last
night that it looks like I got herpes on my upper legs

Glad I haven't gotten hit with the bloody nipples yet.

Take on the MTA police scooter

Can somebody explain why the MTA cops are now using these electronic
scooter things in the subway stations. I am all for green energy and
efficiency but explain how these things are efficient at a station
like Times Square which is overcrowded. Take the thousands of people
who move through that station daily and then take into consideration
all those stairs and tell me why these guys are on motorized platforms
at all. This cop was perched on his little zipcar, and honestly at
rush-hour, he wouldn't have been able to catch an elephant

MTA...going your way, I guess

Take on replay

So baseball has finally done something smart and added replay to their
game. I am not the biggest proponent of replay as it slows games down
way too much, but I'm a bigger proponent of getting calls right.
The issue is that they are following some kind of convoluted NFL model
where an ump will have to go under the good and coaches and managers
have to be strategic in their use of a limited number of challenges.
What baseball (and football mind you) should be doing is exactly what
I've heard suggested before. They should have one centralized
location where all calls are reviewed at MLB headquarters. Get three
umps in a room who are watching games all day and make calls on balls
hot down the line, balls making it over the wall and safe/out calls.
Make it automatic. As each play happens, let the officials at
headquarters decide whether to review, not a baseball manager who
doesn't have the luxury of slow-mo replay. There are guys who still
chart balls and strikes in a notebook, no way are they sophisticated
enough to handle a fast forward button on an IPad

Football should do the same, one official above (either in the stadium
or at the NFL headquarters) buzzes the field if there is a play to be
reviewed and then he reviews it on a 60 inch HD LED 3D TV with a
thousand angles, no crowd noise and a big bag of cheese doodles and
calls back within 60 seconds with a ruling

It's really not that complicated

Take on the Citibike logistical problem

I always imagined my main problem with the Citibike experience would
be the fact that I couldn't get a bike but lately I've had an equally
annoying experience...There are many time when you can't find a spot.

Last week, I walk out of work at 6th avenue and find no bikes out on
the Citibike terminal outside of my office. In hoof it down to 8th
avenue and get one of the last bikes there, albeit one with a seat
which wouldn't move up. So, I low-ride down to ferry terminal at 12th
avenue to find a completely full rack. There are no spots and nobody
coming out who may take a bike with the rain we were having that day.
I call the number and they tell me that I need to drop it off at
another station, the closest one being on 11th avenue

So I basically got to ride about three city blocks and walked four
blocks in total (6th to 8th and then 11th to 12th and back).

Yeah, this thing is working out great

Take on the new Gmail Ads

Not sure if anybody noticed this but with the new Gmail format, Google is sneaking in more ads.. Obviously, Gmail is free, so I won't do a lot of complaining, but I will do some.  It used to be that Gmail would try to filter out spam, today they are filtering the spam right into your inbox. 

Under the promotions tab, they don't just filter all the crap from TinyPrints, Amazon and Joe Bryant, they also pepper you with items that you didn't actually sign up for.   These are ones that Gmail even calls "ads" and they are highlighted in yellow and today I got one from 'LowerMyBills' and another from 'Zillow For Pros'.   I guess they did their research and Zillow for Pros might be something I'd open but the one from LowerMyBills, will go directly into the trash..  

Take on hotel porn

Sometimes I see one of these OMG facts and think to myself 'that can't
be true'. I read yesterday that 6 in 10 movies rented at hotels are
porn. Although I wonder where exactly they find this information, as
i doubt all the major hotel chains are happily serving this
information up. I guess they could just be using normal statistics
but I'd have to think there are different rates on typical business
hotels than vacation ones.
But the most startling thing was that honestly the 60% seems a bit
low. I, for one, have never rented a RoCom at the Holiday Inn

Take on the GMA imbeciles

The lowest common denominator has to be the idiot tourist who line up
outside of Good Morning America for hours to get there terrible hand
written sign on TV or worse yet, to hug from that big oaf. Every
morning, I get delayed by 5 minutes as I try to wade through the crowd
of fanny pack wearing, coordinated shirt wearing, Olive Garden eating,
overweight imbeciles lined 5 deep in front of the large glass front
from 6AM till noon

I cannot imagine waiting even 20 minutes at any point, anywhere, to
see anybody yet these people routinely wait four hours to catch a
glimpse of Taylor Swift's left cheek or Jason Patrick's elbow just do
they can tell all their friends in Idaho that they saw a celebrity.

Take on Instagram

I realized a long time ago that I am not cool, hip or with-it and
someone about 4 years ago I turned into an old man, but really I don't
think I get most Instagram pictures. I signed up a few months ago
and followed a bunch of buddies, wives of friends and a few hot
chicks. But after about two months, all I ever see are pictures of
food. There are soft light salmon, there is disco style chicken and
thousands of burgers which look like the were served at Woodstock.
They must outnumber the hit chick photos 10-1

I don't quite get the appeal of photos of it, but like I said, I have
friends who I haven't seen since my kids were born, so I'm not up with
what is cool

Take on the airline deal

Is there anything more disingenuous than getting an email from an
airline with great flight deals.
First of all, every one of the "deals" have so many restrictions that
there is just no way to actually get a flight to Amsterdam anywhere
near $501 each way. I've clicked on the links and before I knew it,
the destination's cost jumps by 30% if you aren't able to leave at
11pm and return at 2am two days later

The other thing which annoys me even more, is the fact that they
advertise them as each-way fares based on a round trip ticket. It's
not a one way price, because those would be $800 each, and since it
is, by definition, based on a round trip, it's impossible to actually
get without buying the roundtrip. Nobody tells you that you can get a
$4 hamburger as part of a $7 lunch special. But more specific to this
case, Noody I have ever met has said to me.. Wow I got a great deal to
fly to Korea, only $712 each way. Everybody will tell you what the
total flight costs, not some convoluted formula, which has no real
meaning, based on a single leg on a round trip flight

Screw you Delta and your crappy deals

Take on the Pathmark shitter

There really aren't many more disgusting places than a men's room in a
supermarket. I walked into the Pathmark shitter and just about puked.
I am not sure if it is the employees or the customers but the place
smelled like an animal died inside.

My question is, do people seek out these public restrooms to birth
fecal? I need a little privacy when on the can and the last thing I
want is the sound of roast beef being sliced up and smell of dead
animals surround me and then wipe my ass with the sandpaper they
offer. Although to be fair, there are always those circulars laying
around that you can read and there is never really a bad time to clip
some coupons and see if they have prime rib on sale

Take on Windows

I always wonder why our blog doesn't get more traffic.. Maybe it is
the lowbrow subject matter, maybe it is the grammar or maybe it's just
not marketed past a large email list (and it's retarded fraternal
twin) but considering we have been doing this for 5 straight teas,
you'd think we would have gotten some traction.
But now we understand what happened, apparently there was some kind of
hiccup with Windows and TOR which Gizmodo reported on today, so good
news for all you readers....no virus for you today. (Unless you count
the virtual herpes like virus of those email lists

Let's hope we can get Bill Gates to make an appearance and spread that
virus to the highbrows

Take on the Gang Bang Organizer

Read an article on Gawker today about some dude who got busted for organizing gang-bangs after he set one up for some  MILF who wanted to celebrate her 45th birthday by doing 45 dudes in one night..  The weird thing was that gawker seemed incensed that this guy would put 'gang bang organizer' on his business card which seemed odd being that he is, in fact, a gang-bang organizer.   I'm not exactly sure how you would describe Scott James Frank Pollock's job any any better than that.. If he just titled it 'party planner' he would probably be fielding tons of calls for corporate events..  Then again, when you are a gang-bang organizer you probably reek of pussy, so it wouldn't take the K9 team to find you anyway..

The thing that got me scratching my head was that this poor Pig Vomit looking dude got busted for heading a prostitution ring, because the cops found that he was making each dude pay him $20 to have them bang this broad.   I'm not really sure if I buy this as a true definition of prostitution as this seems more like a finders fee.   It's not that much different than going on match.com and looking for chicks who describe themselves as party girls.  You are paying match.com a fee for essentially getting you laid, but nobody is accusing them of being a pimp.

Maybe we can start a new "dating" site called JoinMyGangBang.com 

take on the ARod verdict

Well we finally got it.. Cameron Diaz's ex boyfriend got 211 game suspension, which he'll appeal.   Obviously this sh!t show is far from over but at least there is a chance that David Wright, Geno Smith or Hakeem Nicks can get a shot at the back page of the Daily News.

 

Forget right or wrong, best interest of baseball or the worst, what I don't get from this ARod thing (and Braun before him) is that the amount of games just seems so ridiculously arbitrary.   I get that 211 games will mean that he won't see the field until 2015, which is fine with me, but had they ruled on this a week earlier he would have had a 218 game suspension and a week later it would have gotten cut down to 206.  The number just seems arbitrary and when you are working to set a precedence, I don't think arbitrary will work with an arbitrator

 

And what happens if he appeals and eventually loses?  He'll get to play through the appeal process which could take up to a month and a half.  Does this mean that he gets suspended for the rest of this year, all of next year and then 40 some-odd games in 2015?

 

 

Take on the ARod thing

If there is a less interesting story than this ARod thing, please tell me.   I cannot believe that this still has legs at all.   It seems like we have now been waiting for a month waiting for Bud Selig to send up black smoke and banishing this loser from this miserable sport for the rest of this life

The problem is that, you just know this won't be the end of it.  He will appeal which will drag this on for months with daily speculation and no resolution.  Then he'll have a big prime time interview with Barbara Walters or Oprah, then he'll start playing in the Independent League, batting third on the Newark Bears behind the beloved cleanup hitter, Ozzie Canseco.   Then he'll have a sex tape, a sexting controversy and finally he'll come out of the closet and admit to a torrid affair with Joe Girardi.  But that won't be enough, he'll become a WWE villain, will be signing baseball in a mall somewhere and bitch and moan a la Pete Rose that he can't get into the HOF

And we'll watch every second of it

Just get the show going already, these previews suck 

 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the late bus

I vowed to never be that guy again.  The guy who after a late night
bender found himself drooling on himself during a long ride home on
public transportation.   Then again I also bowed to lose 10 pounds,
and we know how that is going
When I was in my twenties, I'd probably get smashed up a few times per
week but now I have a really big night out maybe once or twice per
year.   This usually means that I drink too much, eat badly and then
have to somehow manage to get home.   The problem is that the
combination is lethal because I am already sleep deprived so when I
get onto a bus or subway at 2am after 10 beers, there really is not
that much hope
Thursday, I was the guy who fell asleep on the midnight bus and woke
up only when another passenger tapped me on the shoulder to announce
that it was the last stop.  Sadly for me, the last stop also meant
that I had missed my stop by 5 miles.  So there I went, walking those
5 miles at 1am
Nothing makes your dread the next morning more than knowing you are
going to pass out at 2am and your kids will be up by 5:30

 

Take on the random LinkedIn request

whenever I get an email friend request from LinkedIn, I think 'uh oh'..

It's ot because I try to shy away from almost all social media but mostly because whenever somebody joins LinkedIn or updates their profile, you probably won't be using their work email address in about a week.

Just today I got a friend request from a buddy who I always assumed was pretty secure at his gig but my thought right away was 'shit is he going to be asking me for a short term loan and crashing on my couch?  

I emailed him and it didn't sound like anything was imminent and he just figured it was time to set one up, I guess so that he does ever find himself on the cusp of layoffs, it isn't that obvious..

Take on the spelling test

Being a Jets fan is pathetic, your friends constantly mock you, your
team hasn't won a championship since the 60's, your boisterous coach
for muted and your QB dances around bottomless on Vine. The team
regularly over-performs, the fan base is a bunch of drunk frat boys
and the ownership is completely lost. The one thing the team did have
was a real mascot, some slob from Staten Island who would get up on
his brother's shoulders and start this J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets chant
waving his hands around like a cerebral palsy. Admittedly it's not
much, but I guess it is something.
But last year the mascot unceremoniously quit because he either felt
the team wasn't supporting him enough or his brother couldn't support
him anymore. So the Jets and Fireman Ed split ways and he is now
back to being a Dolphin fan, I think.

Anyway, the terrible team decided that instead of focusing on
jumpstarting a dreadful offense, they would instead now draw up plays
for their fans. The Jets are having the Fireman Ed chant coordinated
by the stadium as opposed to the mascot and they wanted to make sure
there were no butt fumbles this time. If that isn't pathetic
enough, knowing how dumb/drunk the fans are, they feel they have to
hand out cheat-sheets to tell each person what they are supposed to
tell and when. I guess this is so people don't screw up by yelling T
when their section should be yeling E.

So not only do they want to bang you for a PSL, now they also want to
insult your intelligence

Let's go Geno and welcome to our newest TOR reader