Take on the Jets

I ran into Jets owner Woody Johnson today randomly in the street and instead of exploding on the dismal state of this franchise all I can up with was "time for Tebow".  Although I honestly think they should go with Tebow there are obviously many bigger issues at play including the complete inadequacy of Mike Tannebaum, the inability to have any creativity out of Sporano, the terrible play of Sanchez, the lack of talent on both aides of the ball, the fact that Rex has become a worse coach with every pound he loses but all I came up with was "Time for Tebow" and my buddies who are fellow Jet fans  skewered me for it. 

So then I sat down and looked over what I really think is the issue, namingly the draft which has gotten worse every year since Might Mike drafted Revis. I am not sure if they got cocky by believing all their press clippings, they have been unlucky or if they forgot how to evaluate talent but the last few years are absolutely dreadful

2012 - NEW YORK JETS
RD	SEL #	PLAYER	POSITION	SCHOOL
1	16	Quinton Coples	DE	North Carolina
2	43	Stephen Hill	WR	Georgia Tech
3	77	Demario Davis	LB	Arkansas State
6	187	Josh Bush	DB	Wake Forest
6	202	Terrance Ganaway	RB	Baylor
6	203	Robert T. Griffin	G	Baylor
7	242	Antonio Allen	SS	South Carolina
7	244	Jordan White	WR	Western Michigan

2011 - NEW YORK JETS
RD	SEL #	PLAYER	POSITION	SCHOOL
1	30	Muhammad Wilkerson	DT	Temple
3	94	Kenrick Ellis	DT	Hampton
4	126	Bilal Powell	RB	Louisville
5	153	Jeremy Kerley	WR	Texas Christian
7	208	Greg McElroy	QB	Alabama
7	227	Scotty McKnight	WR	Colorado

2010 - NEW YORK JETS
RD	SEL #	PLAYER	POSITION	SCHOOL
1	29	Kyle Wilson	CB	Boise State
2	61	Vladimir Ducasse	T	Massachusetts
4	112	Joe McKnight	RB	USC
5	139	John Conner	RB	Kentucky

2009 - NEW YORK JETS
RD	SEL #	PLAYER	POSITION	SCHOOL
1	5	Mark Sanchez	QB	USC
3	65	Shonn Greene	RB	Iowa
6	193	Matt Slauson	G	Nebraska

2008 - NEW YORK JETS
RD	SEL #	PLAYER	POSITION	SCHOOL
1	6	Vernon Gholston	LB	Ohio State
1	30	Dustin Keller	TE	Purdue
4	113	Dwight Lowery	CB	San Jose State
5	162	Erik Ainge	QB	Tennessee
6	171	Marcus Henry	WR	Kansas
7	211	Nate Garner	T	Arkansas

2007 - NEW YORK JETS
RD	SEL #	PLAYER	POSITION	SCHOOL
1	14	Darrelle Revis	CB	Pittsburgh
2	47	David Harris	ILB	Michigan
6	177	Jacob Bender	T	Nicholls State
7	235	Chansi Stuckey	WR	Clemson

2006 - NEW YORK JETS
RD	SEL #	PLAYER	POSITION	SCHOOL
1	4	D'Brickashaw Ferguson	T	Virginia
1	29	Nick Mangold	C	Ohio State
2	49	Kellen Clemens	QB	Oregon
3	76	Anthony Schlegel	LB	Ohio State
3	97	Eric Smith	DB	Michigan State
4	103	Brad Smith	WR	Missouri
4	117	Leon Washington	RB	Florida State
5	150	Jason Pociask	TE	Wisconsin
6	189	Drew Coleman	CB	Texas Christian
7	220	Titus Adams	DT	Nebraska

2012 is Still incomplete but sure doesn't feel great.  I think there are only two guys who are still on the team and they were drafted like 3 months ago

2011. I give it a C-   Wilkerson is OK but not the big impact we were sold.  Ellis hasn't done much outside that game a few weeks ago. Powell sucks, Kerley is a contributor, McElroy is best known for throwing the team under the bus.  Scotty McKnight  has been yo-yo'd between the roster and practice squad for two years

2010. F.   Ducasse blows,  Wilson is not a first round talent,  McKnight could be good but come-on he has done nothing and Conner has a great nickname and virtually nothing to back it up 

2009. D.  I'd give it an F but all three picks are starters albeit it terrible starters. Sanchez looks totally overwhelmed and is a bottom 10 QB in the league, Greene is maybe the worst starting RB in the league.  When Slauson is the only redeeming part of a draft you are in trouble

2008. F.  Two words Vernon Gholston.  I think we both have the same amount of NFL sacks but he has had a better seat 

Keller is an average TE or a bit below it, Ainge is off the team.  When Dwight Lowery is perhaps your most consistent contributor you are in trouble.  The other two guys are working at McDowels in Queens last I heard

2007. A.  Revis and Harris in one draft is money.  even if the rest of the draft sucked, which it did

2006. A.  D'Brick is overrated but obviously Mangold is fantastic. Leon and Brad Smith were dynamic parts if the offense once upon a time and Eric Smith can hit (although he can't cover)

Out of 40 picks there are three studs (Revis, Mangold and Harris). Couple of very good starters (D'Brick and maybe Wilkerson) and a bunch of duds, a few crappt starters (Slauson, Greene) and a few gigantic busts (Sanchez, Gholston, Ducasse)

There are too many Jeremy Kerley's and not enough Marvin Harrison's

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the funny winter hat

I have to say that one of the worst looks around has to be these new
animal faced winter hats with the long ears. Worst looks might be a
bit harsh as they are actually cute for kids and a hot chick can make
a plastic bag look sexy but when I see a full grown man wearing one of
these things with jeans and a tshirt I cringe and when I see him
wearing it with work pants and a button down I feel like putting him
out of his misery because no adult professional should be caught dead
looking like a second grader

I get that there is this hipster style which I will probably never
understand but how can you look at the mirror and think that wearing 3
foot long dog-ears is even slightly cool.

Take on the shuttered Starbucks

If the weather patterns didn't convince you the apocalypse was coming,
if the fact the Texans are probably the favorites to win the Superbowl
hasn't made you think twice and if the fact that we reelected
Obama with a nearly 8% unemployment didn't seem like a sign that the
Mayans were right then nothing will convince you. But in have another
one.. Yesterday i saw something I have never seen before, the closing
of a Starbucks. It's not long ago when comedians would joke that
they juat opened a new Starbucks inside of another Strarbucks and
before I knew it I walked up to one in midtown manhattan and thought
that they hadn't taken down their Sandy decorations because the
windows were paneled over, the sign was pulled down and the line of
people which would often stretch onto the street was nowhere to be
found, forced to milk their caffeine fix with bodega coffee.
Maybe their landlord had raised the rent, maybe the recession has
been especially hard for coffee or maybe it is a cruel joke but I am
not sure how the hell I am going to make it through the week

Take on PSE&G inefficiency

When I finally got home yesterday after 10 days of sleeping on a couch
because my power was out, I was thrilled. Excited because after
everything we finally were able to settle back down in the comfort of
our own beds and couches and not dependent on other people.
What I wasn't as thrilled about was what I saw as I drove back home.
I saw a bunch of PSE&G trucks with two cranes working on an
electricity pole fixing what would certainly give a bunch of families
like mine some much needed juice. What got me were not the 3 guys up
in the cranes but the 18 guys standing street level. These guys were
all standing around undoubtedly looking to do something but instead
proved again the inefficiency people across Long Island and New Jersey
have been screaming about for two weeks. These guys weren't doing
anything other that shooting the shit and this wasn't happening at
lunch-time. With thousands of people still without power, there just
has to be a more efficient way of utilizing these employees I know
for a fact that there are local lines still down from people's houses
to the pole on the street, you would think a couple of these guys
could be up there fixing those situations instead of discussing how
those four Doug Martin TD's killed them in fantasy that week

Get your crews working PSE&G, this is getting beyond ridiculous

Take on the electronic device storage truck

Sometimes I see a business and wonder why I didn't think of it first.
I can't pretend to invent a new fuel injector or code new software but
I sure as hell could have come up with the electronic-device storage
truck. Some genius decided to park a big van outside of a
high-school in NYC and store kid's cell-phones for the school day
since they apparently can't bring them into school. So this dude
parks his van, collects a couple hundred cell phones at 7:45 for $2-$3
a piece and then hands them back out at 2:30pm and he's probably
surfing youporn on some kid's iphone while doing it

take on the loss

after a grueling 2 years the election is finally over and I'm wondering what the idiots like Karl Rove, Chris Matthews and Chuck Todd are going to be sent back into hibernation for a few months and I for one couldn't be happier

but before that happens somebody is going to have to write the official obituary for the Romney/Ryan ticket although the draft started last night and if the McCain/Palin obituary was any sign, we're in for some good gossip between Gilligan and Mr. Howell. 

They'll say that they couldn't connect with Hispanic voters, that they underestimated the demographic shifts, that Romney seemed out of touch, that Ryan looked like the kind of creepy guy you see in the NYSC locker-room flexing in front of a mirror without a towel on.   They'll say that the momentum that Romney had after the first debate was stopped in it's tracks by a super-storm, they'll blame Chris Christie for going off message, they may blame Ann for her fashion choice or the fact that Mitt's family looked like they were reproduced like rabbits every time they hit the stage.   Maybe they'll blame it on Mormon bias, maybe they'll say that there aren't as many white males to carry an election anymore and maybe they'll blame or give credit for the Dems for their well oiled electoral machine

but one thing they may all forget is that in Mitt let himself go..  maybe it was a desperate attempt to try to connect with the middle class, but Jesus Christ the dude got fat over the last few months.    every time I saw him on stage it looked like he had swallowed another one of this grandkids and by choosing a guy who seemed to have the vision (literally his vision not figuratively) of the guy with coke-bottle glasses who got picked last every time they picked teams in gym.   Maybe the two look a bit too much like the electorate..

People want to see a leader in their president, someone to aspire to, not some disgusting overweight near-sighted sloth and maybe after all was said and done they figured that the Ryan/Romney ticket looked like it wouldn't be able to survive four years of unbelievable pressure  which would have left us with President John Boehner which may have put the country on a path of bankruptcy just in the cost of kleenex

Take on the weather man

I always wonder why kind of qualifications a meteorologist has. It
seems like a weird gig: part time science nerd, part time quack-quack
TV personality and part time guy who stands in a hooded jacket on the
shoreline. I get that we're demanding society and we need
up-to-the-minute news and updates but I have never quite understood
the allure of watching some schmuck standing in 60mph winds in an
orange burka trying to tell you how bad it is. The connection always
sucks, the wind blows into the mic so you get this constant hissing
sound although the looks of feigned concern the anchors back at the
studio is usually fantastic. Nothing like Katie Tong or Ernie
Anastos trying to pretend to give a crap about some 28 year old whose
name they forget as soon as they say it getting his socks wet because
he decided he wanted to be filmed literally standing in the ocean
before they cut to Sal with the Islander score
But the real beauty of it is that in almost all circumstances as said
weatherman (or lady) talks about the winds and rain with hair slapping
them in their face, rain pelting them in the eye while spitting all
over the camera there will inevitably be some dude walking his Irish
Setter in shorts and crocs cutting behind him in his long-shot proving
that more often than not these things are no better than the Hollywood
production of the moon-landing
How long before we get interactive TV that allows the viewer to get
soaked in their very own living room so they can feel like they are
right in the action
I for one can be plenty convinced that the storm is wet just by
getting an overhead shot or maybe by dunking Sam Champion in the pond.

Take on a campaigning president

This is a few days late but I cannot believe that Obama was out in
Colorado campaign last week. I understand that the Presidency travels
with the person and that he can fulfill the requirements anywhere but
standing in front of 500 college kids hours after touring the shore
felt cheap

If he had restarted this weekend than i think I would have been ok
with it but to be on the stump before they had even realized the
devastation on Staten Island quite honestly sickened me. I realize
there wasn't a lot Obama was going to personally do for the area but
to be standing in Denver on the stump 12 hours after being knee deep
in water down the shore was a troubling tableau and this isn't even a
criticism based on Sandy but more one of campaigning while holding
office

I criticized GW Bush for doing it in 2004 so I have to be consistent
and knock Obama too but the thought that the POTUS spends more time
campaigning than governing is just sickening. I get that these
elections are exhausting but watching anybody at any level of
government (governors, senators, congressmen, mayors etc) basically
put their job on hold while they campaign just seems ludicrous and
actually I wonder how effective it really is
I always believe that speaking in front of a crowd of people who are
already going to vote for you in Iowa isn't really helping your cause
what helps your cause Romney can do it because he doesn't have a
day-job but having the country put on hold, even symbolically,
especially during a time of crisis is terrible form

And really what better way to convince people to give you four more
years than having them see you suspend active campaigning and
looking presidential

Take on the color green on packaging

One of the biggest deceptions out there has to be these new food
company packaging. I walk into every supermarket and all the chicken
is now wrapped in containers with these carefully designed green lines
all over them giving them the appearance of being organic when in fact
it's the same hormone injected, triple caged, featherless bird Frank
Purdue usually sells you. But that is where a little perception goes
a long way because with just a couple of green letters and a green
swirl around the logo the same malnutritioned fowl becomes a pampered
hen living off organically grown feed, sleeping on plush pillows and
soothed to Enya with only the work of an effective marketing team and
a not-do-bright public

Same thing with all these "all natural" catch-phrases which are just
devises used to trick a gullible consumer into thinking it's organic

But the worst thing might be "kosher" which somehow stamps quality
onto the product for many folks when in fact it only means the same
slaughtered testosterone filled cow with three eyes got thrown into a
warehouse and blessed by a dude in a black hat ad white shirt
Although at least you are assured there isn't going to be any swine
mixed in with your roid raging bull

Take in gas rationing

With the endless lines for gas something had to be done and after
three days of hell NJ Chris Christie made the call to ration gas by
allowing only certain cars to get gas on even days and others on odd
days. I never quite understood this as it doesn't limit gas usage it
only inconveniences more people. If I have an odd day license plate
and I happened to have November 4th off, I can't use that day to stand
in line. In China they use a slightly different system where they
limit the days you can drive depending on the license plate so every
car is not on the road the same day. This is true rationing because if
limits use, the NJ plan does almost nothing to limit usage only adds a
layer of inconvenience

By the way how do they decide which days people walking up with a gas
canister are allowed gas? Maybe they have to show ID and it's based
in age? 33 on odd days, 34 on even ones. Maybe be height? 5'10 on
even days, 5'11" on odd ones. maybe on waist line. There must be
something they can use

I did think if one good way to limit usage.. People with vanity plates
are denied gas all together because they tend to be complete morons
anyway

Take on the marathon

Forget the election, forget the thousands of people whose houses have
been swept out to sea and forget Tim Tebow, the only thing anybody is
talking about is the marathon. I have heard people say that canceling
it would be a travesty when the only travesty would be having it
I don't want to hear about this race showing the resiliency of this
city because real resiliency is seen in a recovery effort that affects
people's lives. This is the city's premier event to show itself off
but when the only sights are devastation you may not be getting the
bang for your buck

I know the argument the mayor uses about it benefitting small
businesses but really what that is are hotels (which are triple booked
anyway), restaurants (which are packed) and maybe bodegas (which are
out of food). So who we should look to benefit are the people in need
by NOT dedicating a single cop, a single bottle of water, a single
gallon of gasoline to a bunch of guys trying for a personal
achievement

As a veteran of two marathons I know what it takes to train for one
of these things and I know how disappointed I'd be if it were pulled
from underneath me but as a veteran of life I also know that sometimes
things get in the way. I trained for my third marathon three years
ago, had run 13 qualifier races, had completed my 18 and 20 mile
training runs and had the date circles on my calendar and then had it
pulled from me when my daughter was born 5 weeks early. Sure it
wasn't ideal but that happens. Now obviously my own situation was
caused by a positive while this would be done after a tragedy but that
is all the more reason to cancel it.

How we can run a race which starts in Staten Island when people's
houses are still under-water and there are 100,000 houses without
energy is beyond selfish. How we use thousands of cars to drive the
race through Brooklyn when the entire borough is out of gasoline is
ludicrous, how we have ambulances on the course when hospitals are
being evacuated is criminal
Maybe the 2 million people who would otherwise be cheering on the
runners can instead volunteer at a shelter out in coastal Brooklyn
There will be a time to run the 2012 NYC marathon, that time just isn't today

take on the Sandy aftermath

When the lights first went out on Monday it was sort of cool.. three days later it sucks.   I can't tell you how annoying it is to not be able to check my email, charge my phone or wash my balls although I've had it better than most having been shacking up with my in-laws and a hotel in NYC but honestly just looking around it is amazing how long it went from everybody having the 'one for all' mentality to everybody basically wanting to slit everybody else's throat.

It's crazy how short the tempers are as I've seen near fist fights over gas, over water and over wall outlets so people can charge their laptops, iPhones and vibrators.   The greatest thing is that it's getting colder out there and all these poor people are shuttered inside a dirty Starbucks just desperately trying to get 5 minutes of juice before they get shooed out like they are a bunch of disgusting homeless people..  .    

Take on the full service ATM

I got to say I love Citibank. They treat you well, they have a lot of
locations and the newest thing are these Fast Cash ATM's which is like
the 10 items or less line because you don't have to wait until some
grandma checks her balance five times before taking out a nickel

The one thing is the decision to name the other ones 'full service'
really implies you are going to get a nice sloppy JB if you stick you
card in their machine

Take on caffein withdrawal

With the entire tri-state area in a near panic over the effects of
Sandy it was time for TOR to assess the damage locally. A few trees
down, lots of water and a couple of down lines. All in all it seemed
we avoided the brunt of the storm and were doing OK having come out of
it mostly unscathed. Well that is except for the fact that without
power I cannot make coffee and it has now been almost 24 hours since
my last caffein injection and I'm going nuts. Yelling at the kids,
kicking the dog and punching the walls
Who the hell knew this storm could cause such havoc.

Take on the Daily News editors

With the city in an intense hurricane watch you had to accept some
mistakes especially with skeleton crews working where there are but we
appreciated the DailyNews headline about a state by state look at how
this little storm is affecting states. We appreciate it mainly
because they posted the story along a picture of two set of boobs
which I guess is better than a picture of another couple of boobs like
Chuck Schumer and Kristin Gilibrand in rain coats outside of a Denny's

Take on the crazies

Once or twice per year the entire country gets their panties in a
bunch when the news media decides that the king of all storms is
bearing down upon us. Sometimes it's a hurricane, other times a
blizzard but it's almost always more hype than true impact. Te only
people who seem to benefit from these pending storms are the
supermarkets and the scores of people with nothing going on in their
lives.
I swear there are a ton of people who look forward to these storms so
they can get themselves (and everybody else) into a total frenzy. I
get when Bloomberg or Cuomo or Christie does it but I have no idea why
the average soccer mom thinks it's their responsibility to make sure
the message is out. It's as if they see themselves as some wannabe
batman in crocs as they save a desperate city from impeding doom.
What the hell do they believe that they are the only ones in the world
who have access to a newspaper? We get it, there might be some rain
and we may even lose power for a day or two but it's as if they all
believe the Mayan prediction is correct

Take on the light pole contraptions

Every police campaign in the city speaks of vigilance which seems
sensible especially with the ever growing fear of terrorism
especially in the wake of the failed bombing of the Fed recently
So when I walked down sixth avenue I had to take note of these huge
electronic boxes strapped to the light poles all through the street.
I can't say I have any idea what they are about but like most cases
the NYPD was less than helpful

TOR. Hey just want to make you aware of these weird boxes
Officer: so?
TOR; they seemed odd and I'm always told to say something when I see something
Officer: well now you have


So if NYC blows up this weekend or gets abducted by aliens don't say I
didn't warn you

take on Tuckahoe

After reading the following analysis of the Presidential Election, I got to thinking about a house I almost bought a few months ago.    For some reason, we had decided that we needed to live in Westchester because I guess there weren't enough snobby while people in Park Slope..  So Mrs TOR and I would throw our 2 year old in the old mini-van and drive out to look at open houses every weekend.  We would look at Victorians, split-ranches, modern looks, condos, town-houses you name it..  After 5 months of looking at nearly 70 houses we decided to move on and rent a place instead of buying but that's not the moral of this story.

 

At one point we were told to look in a town call Tuckahoe which to anybody who hasn't had the chance to see it yet is this little white town in the middle of the whitest county in New York State.  It's less presumptuous than neighboring Bronxville, less goomba than New Rochelle, and somehow less diverse than Dobbs Ferry.  One resident described it to us as a 'little slice of heaven' which seemed accurate if heaven was a hilly, suitcase town with a dead main-street but a Starbucks at the train station. 

 

But all in all. I could have seen myself living there.. well except for the fact that  I really did not want my daughters coming from a place called Tuckahoe.. Yeah it's probably childish but I was a teenager once and let me tell you..we would have been ruthless

 

well that and the fact that when I saw the town lines on google maps it looked like the place was one gigantic penis

 

 

 

Take on the cleaned public toilet

I would argue that they is nothing more pleasant in this entire world
than walking into a just cleaned toilet In a public rest-room. Mainly
because it is the only time you can plant your ass comfortably down on
the porcelain without fear of picking up some venereal disease but
also because it's like an artist getting a blank canvas. My buddy Zed
often brags about being able to fill a bowl to the rim which just
tells me he's not eating enough fiber but I so find it pleasurable to
be able to christen the closest thing I can find to a true virgin

take on the virgin

When I read about the Brazilian chick who auctioned off her virginity my first thought was.. "I bet a Japanese guy wins" and to noone's suprise ..one did..   

 

So this Japanese guy named Natsu (whose English translated name would probably be Nut Soup) outbid a couple of crazy Texans and some Indian dude to take the virginity of Catrina Migliorini and honestly although the chick looks smoking hot the guys who really won are the Texans and the Indian because there is just no winning here

 

• if she is really a virgin she's going to be banging like...well a virgin which sounds about as much fun as teaching somebody to drive stick.  it sounds like fun until you get in the car and they are grinding the gears  

 

• there is just no way for her to prove she actually is a virgin.. I guess they can check if she's got her Hymen intact but it's been long said that the most popular type of plastic surgery in South Korea are for chicks getting their hymen's reattached.  which really sounds like a crappy idea..  If I were a South Korean doctor I'd be putting in trampolines and just watch a bunch of Kim's bounce right out of their fiancees yo-yo's on their wedding day.

 

• even if she is a virgin, you've now laid out $750k to get laid from a novice.  that's like going paying $90 to go to Met Life Stadium to watch my high-school garage band play.   

 

the good news is that the money went to charity which I can only imagine is going for young prosititutes to install new hymens..  in related news some dude only got $2000 for his own virginity charity which is still pretty good because I know of at least one guy who paid $150 to lose his.

Take on Carter

(Follow up to last week's anti pink rant).

I can't tell you what I hate worse, the fact that Americans must plop
their kids in pepto Bismal pink or that they so so in the cheapest
clothing know to man. Explain this logic to me,., a chick has a baby
shower and she gets 50 fucking pink onesies from Carter. For those of
you who haven't had the pleasure, Carter is the equivalent of Champion
clothing, yes it's fine if you are going out to buy bagels but the
quality, cut and look are all crap but unlike the champion sweats you
don't have the skin sensitive of a baby

But I guess you got to give the Carter Company credit because they has
some crazy, but effective, marketing scheme because no parent actually
buys Carter for their own kids, the only thing people buy there are
these hideous three pack of pajamas for their coworker baby showers.
It's easy to tell because they all come in pink or blue and all of
them emblazoned with some kind of duck and it comes in a set of three
on some cheap white hanger
It looks just nice enough to get your idiot coworkers to oooh and aaah
but any reasonable parent not on food stamps sends this crap right to
goodwill
The problem is the quality of the clothing is total crap. The cotton
had the kind of texture to it that after you wash it once it feels
like that sock under your bed does, you know the one you sploodge
into. It's like taking sandpaper to your kid's stomach every time you
try to jimmy that thing over their heads which you have to do because
the stuff all shrinks three sizes the second a liquid hits it which
for kid's clothes means within the first three minutes. I've honestly
seen these things Saran Wrap around my kid as if it looks like body
paint after they spill milk on it.
So next time you decide to buy one of these for a friend realize it's
like giving somebody a roll of bodega toilet paper when they have
hemorrhoids

Take on the Port Authority lines

What the hell is it with these lines at Port Authority?? For the last
few months the lines have gone from manageable groups of 30-50 people
but today it's not uncommon to see lines of 200 people standing lines
which snake around like people are waiting online to get into Disney
World except for seeing Mickey Mouse on Magic Mountain after you are
done you end up in Jersey looking at Tony Jiabroni

Take on baby pink

As I am strolling through a playground in the park yesterday with my
seven week old daughter in her carrier, I come across a couple with
their toddler.

The exchange goes like this

Father "look at that little boy Billy, I remember when you were that small"

Righetti " yeah they grow up fast but SHE's doing really well"

Father. "Yeah they do, how does he sleep"

Righetti "not bad, some nights SHE gives us a 6 or even 7 hour stretch"

Father "interesting, he'll be sleeping the throught the night before
you know it"

Righetti. "Thanks"


This wasn't the only conversation like this I had.

Random mom. "What a cute baby how old is he"

Righetti "She's almost two months"

Mom "oh a girl, I assumed a boy because of the clothes"

Righetti "huh? she's wearing green"

Mom. "Well I didn't notice any signs, you know a bow or clip or something"

Righetti. "She doesn't have hair yet

Mom. "Maybe some pink"

It's not like I dressed her in Tarheel blue, she's wearing an
off-white and green jumper but this god-damned American society is
obsessed with putting their girls in this awful pink which I don't get

First of all it's a terrible color for fair skinned kids. take your
average white kid and it totally washes 'em out.
Secondly, it's a terrible color
Thirdly, why is it so important to identify a newborn as a boy or
girl. Are people afraid that sleep deprived parents are going to
forget what sex their kid is?

I have a rule in my house. You bring me baby girl pink and it's going
right to Salvation Army because I am not partaking in your idiotic
color coordination

Take on BK

What I miss about Brooklyn are the beautiful fall weekend days with a thousand people walking the streets. What I don't miss about Brooklyn are the hours per day I spent searching for a parking spot.  What I miss about Brooklyn is the endless food options. What I don't miss are the rats which all those food options attract.   What I miss about Brooklyn is the diversity.  What I don't miss about Brooklyn is the fact the diversity is contained.   What I miss about Brooklyn is the 30 minute commute, what I don't miss about Brooklyn is the subway it takes to make that commute happens.  What I miss about Brooklyn are the like minded professionals who have similar values living as your neighbors,  what I don't miss are the like-minded professionals who have similar values as my neighbors.  What I miss are beards, what I don't miss are fanny packs, what I miss are walks down tree lined blocks, what I don't miss is having to clean my sneakers of dog shit.   What I miss are street fairs, what I don't miss is having an apartment so small it feels like a perpetual street fair.  What I miss are local hangouts, what I don't mind are the locals who leave said hangouts screaming at the top of their lung at 2AM, what i miss are people getting excited about an issue, what i don'y miss are activist.  What i miss are engaged parents, what I don't miss are over-involved parents.  What I miss are the full playgrounds, I don't miss having to wait 20 minutes for my kid to get on a swing

I miss my Russian nanny, don't miss the Russian mob.   Miss the ease of getting into NYC, the bus stop outside my apartment not so much. I miss the convenience of the bodega, don't miss not having a Trader Joes with a big parking lot.  But most of all I miss being able to say I'm from Brooklyn

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Take on Starbucks

Is there a more depressing place on earth that a Starbucks on a
work-day in the suburbs? The place is packed with guys trying to be
productive but every time you peek over the shoulders they are usually
surfing on espn, Grantland or youporn I don't care how people work
their time but you just know these schleps are telling their wives
they are job hunting all day and have to go home at five to tell their
kids they will be eating hot-dogs for dinner again tonight. I can't
say I have done that much job-hunting but I am not sure that Starbucks
is the ideal spot. Not because the coffee isn't good but because it
probably convinces these deadbeats that they are doing something
productive by showing up day after day and ordering a small coffee
supposedly job searching while actually spending their days debating
politics with the iFriends on some fantasy football message board

Take on the medical clinic

There are very few places I despise more than doctor's offices.
Between all the diseases and old people it feels like they may as well
be connected to a morgue but I think I have found a place I like even
less. The local medical walk-in-clinic is like walking into a
doctor's office times 1000. I have been here for an hour already and
the only thing I have been helped with is a 10 page questionnaire
which includes the vital question "is the patient presently alive ?"
But I guess beggars can't be choosers and right now I feel like shards
of glass are cutting my throat every time I swallow and this was the
closest place and they open up at 8 as opposed to my regular doctor
who walks in at about 11 after shooting 18

Take on the bike rickshaw

I guess I am not the perfect judge but is there anything that sounds
less romantic than a rickshaw ride through Times Square?? Yet every
day I see a bunch of fanny pack wearing tourists pay some illegal
immigrant $40 to ride behind a city bus coughing up enough carbon
dioxide you'd think they ate working in a coal factory as they get
shown the beauty that is the miserable lives of a hundred thousand
commuters. What could make for a less romantic backdrop than tons of
people going to and coming from jobs they hate through crowded transit
stops to get to work on time for bosses they want to stab in the
jugular. But that isn't the worst of it, if trying to make out while
getting tossed around because of pot-holes while trying to hold your
nose to shield yourself from the repugnant smell which comes from
these rickshaw drivers who must be sweating like pigs as they try to
ferry your 400 pound ass around so you can try to get a cheap feel in
on your relatively slim 325 pound date isn't bad enough it's the fact
that these guys go about 3 miles per hour so you see my life pass
before you in slow-mo that would make me want up jump up and stab the
poor Chinese guy in the urethra with an ice pick

Take on the men's room key

We're a society obsessed with hygiene but we don't find it appealing
that people are basicly running their filthy asses all over your
hands. We've all been told about putting dollar bills in your mouth
but somehow a much more disgusting thinks happens every day

It never quite occurred to me but one of the most disgusting things in
the world has to be the shared men's room key. Not only is it filthy
because of where it travels but it's especially disgusting if you
think about the timeline when it's there
People are using the men's room key to get themselves into the room ad
probably not dropping the key into their pockets because most of them
have a huge piece of wood on the keyring. They place the key on the
little toilet paper holder ledge, sit on the throne, wipe their asses
and then grab the key off the toilet paper ledge before walking out of
the stall to wash their hands (if you are so lucky).

Taking on the favor

I am a 36 year old father of two who  works full time who had really learned to value his weekends and one thing I have long decided that I am not going to spend my time/energy moving.  My last two moves  I got smart and hired movers as I will never ask my friends and family to schlep my stuff.     TV's are a frigging heavy and there is really no reason my married buddy with a couple of kids to spend his weekend breaking his back because I was too cheap to shell out a couple of hundred bucks on immigrant labor

So when I got a call on Saturday night to help unload a UHaul I was obviously less than thrilled but I am a sucker and now I can't straighten out my back and my knee feels like buddy Kenny sat on it

MLIA

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Take on the Times Square photo character

Not sure exactly why but when I see a grown man dressed up like Cookie
Monster or a character from Toy Story trying to convince fat tourists
to shell out $1 for a photo, it's just depressing.
I know that there might be worse his out there but there are few jobs
you probably explain with less pride than this one. I can't imagine
the poor schlep who has to tell his wife's friends what he does for a
living during some miserably boring cocktail party.

#1 So Chaz what do you do?
#2. I am am investment banker
#1 how about you Joe?
#3. I am a patent attorney?
#1 how about you Paul?
#4. I wear a Mickey Mouse mask in Times Square for $1 per picture
#1 sorry man



Maybe these are a bunch of illegals taking these jobs which is ironic
because the average person who would actually pay to do this is some
hick who spends his free time with guns drawn over the Rio Grande.
These poor Southerners have no idea that they are supporting
undocumented workers

Take on the Pink Brownstone

I read an article in that the "iconic Pepto Bismol brownstone in Park
Slope" was sold . the bigger news wasn't the 2.075 million dollar
price tag but and that the new owners had gotten permission from the
Landmark Preservation Society to paint it back to it's original color
First of all this thing has only been pink for about 6 years so I see
no reason for the Landmark Preservation Society to e involved other
than trying to right a previous wrong.
What gets me is the headline.. how exactly is this thing iconic??
iconic assumes that it's at least likable or enviable but it is an
absolute eye-sore. This thing is absolutely hideous and I wouldn't
be surprised it the entire block is subsidizing the sale so that they
can get their block to look normal again

My buddy Zeke knows more about property value in Park Slope but it
seems to me this house was sold about 20% under market which I am sure
is because of the color

Take on Gilligan's Island Debate

We stayed up way past our bedtime watching the Vice Presidential debate last night and walked away feeling like if nothing else it was entertaining.    The lasting image will probably be of a with a smug smile on Biden's face looking down upon his younger less experience adversary  while cutting his balls off all while calling him a friend 50 times

It was obvious the game-plan was going to have to be for Plugs to be the aggressor and like a good hockey enforcer standing up against the opposition while the star center kept his teeth intact.   There were times I felt bad for Gilligan as he looked overmatched by the more experienced VP even if in the long run it won't matter much.  

It was as if Ryan just wasn't ready for the onslaught and had consciously decided to show up to a gun fight branding only a knife. 

But what really bothers us is that Ryan looks like a kid wearing his dad's suit..  somebody needs to sit him down and tell him that he is doing OK for yourself, go to Men's  Wearhouse and pick up a couple of two for one suits that fit (this is coming from somebody who should heed his own advice mind you)

But what is more important is that now the entire country has seen all four candidates debate I think we really have to make some silly calls

 

Paul Ryan. Gilligan

  dim witted fool

Biden. The Skipper 

Slightly brighter than Gilligan but definitely abusive towards his little buddy

Obama. The professor

Too smart for his own good

Romney.  Thurston Howell III

Nothing needed to be added

Ann. Mrs Howell

Obvious 

Michelle.   Ginger

More glam than 

Janna  Mary Ann

Everybody wonders how she got stuck with these idiots

Jill.  Eddie little Sky

Somebody is working some magic behind the scenes 

And the Minnow is our country

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Take on the "as low as" offer

Nothing feels more like a bait and switch than this "as low as" signs
because "as low as" may just as well say "bend over" because it's a
scam. The entire parking lot pricing is bull because most of what
they advertise is $5.99 for 30 minutes. What the hell can you do in a
half an hour in NYC anyway? It takes 5 minutes to get into and out of
an elevator.
But the as-low-as is worse because by the time you get to 44th between
5th and 6th you are so pot-committed you don't have a hope to find
another one because it's taken you 40 minutes to get one city block at
8AM

Take on the penalty for assaulting a transit worker

I never quite get these threatening signs for penalties for breaking
the law. On the subway or the bus you'll often see these warnings for
assaulting an MTA, LIRR or NJ Transit worker but it always seems more
like an invitation to do so as long as you are willing to serve the
time. Secondly I don't get why transit workers get singled out
specifically as if assaulting a fellow commuter isn't nearly as
egregious I guess they had to add this special provision to the law
because transit workers are generally some of the least friendly and
accommodating service employees out there so you can see people losing
their nerves and beating them to a bloody pulp.


But what really bothers me is the inequality of the two penalties.
They are stated as "up to five years in prison and fines up to $7500".
How can a crime have a penalty have a prison term of a half a decade
but only have monetary fines of less than $10,000. To me a five year
prison sentence would be the equivalent of a million dollars in fines.
There is no way any person would reasonably equate those two maximum
penalties

Take on the idiot who let Vander Slooy knock her up

When I read the report yesterday about the Peruvian chick who may have
gotten preggo after a prison visit with Joran Vander Sloot I really
wonder how dumb she may be.

I'm the first to tell you that a woman isn't asking for it if she is
dressed provocatively but I'm also the first to say you should be
smart about what you can expect because there are a lot of psychoa out
there. A chick decides to hootch herself up and then decides to take a
4am subway home completely bombed probably could have thought it
through a bit even if she doesn't deserve her fate
But banging Vander Sloot seems like an even dumber idea because
getting raped isn't even the biggest fear with him, the chances are
you "date" him and you end up somewhere in the Great Coral Reef so I'm
not quite sure what this Peruvian hotty was thinking By the way I
am not sure she is hot because as far as I can tell no picture has
been released yet but she's Peruvian so I don't think I'm taking much
of a leap of faith

Take on escalator etiquette

There are not many things in this world I find more frustrating than
some ahole standing on the left side of an escalator. I'm not asking
people to give away an organ, I'm only asking people to have some
general etiquette. In a place like Port Authority between 5:30 ad
6:30 there is just nothing more frustrating than one jerk standing
between catching a crappy bus or waiting for 30 minutes till the next
one shows up.
It's not all that complicated: If you want to be a lazy lardass then
stand to the right side, if you are willing to be a normal then walk
up the stairs like a normal human and maybe you'll lose a pant size or
two

Take on the $400 blender

I've hear about this Super blender/juicer for the last few years. It
can basically take any food (pears, prunes, tomatoes, asparagus, kale,
spinach etc) and turn a bland dish into a drinkable juice. I have
heard you can throw cooked chicken breast or steal into it and it too
will get mixed and blended into a delicious meat shake. The
technology this Vitamix machine uses is supposedly revolutionary and
vows to go where no ordinary blender can go....for $400
But it's supposed to be a game changer kind of like Mitt's 47% or
Obama's guns and religion but I have to say that when I brought it
home I was a bit underwhelmed. First of all it's plastic and feels
flimsy, secondly it's kind of tall but most importantly it looks like
a normal blender. When I buy an extraordinarily expensive piece I'd
like to display it a bit but this thing looks like it was bought at a
garage sale. Although I haven't read the bible size instruction
manual I am sure it is made out of organic plastic, packaged in a
fully recycled box, assembled by well paid adults in El Salvador with
proceeds going to a reading program in Cambodia so you can feel good
about your purchase
But taking it all into consideration te proof is in the pudd...egh
juice I guess.

We fire it up and let me tell you, the Vitamix makes a good peanut
butter and banana smoothie... I can't say it's any better than the one
we make in our normal $30 blender but at least I know I could chop up
a lamb chop and make a lamb-tomato-carrot juice if I ever had such a
desire

Take on the vibrating chair

There is one thing I don't get about babies.  Well there are tons of things I don't get including why everybody insists on buying pepto bismo pink for a girl or why people ooh and aah over every baby even though most look like grumpy old men when they are born

But what I really don't get is that when you are at the hospital they won't let you leave without making sure you watch some mandatory video on shaking your kid.   I get that this is valuable but it's odd they don't make you watch anything about parenting, about safety, about smoking around your kid, feeding your new born hard candy, installing window guards, sleeping on their back, keeping guns locked away, avoiding pepto bismo pink on any number of other life saving tips for overtired and overwhelmed new parents. 

But anyway you leave the hospital having had the  not shaking thing drilled into your head only to get home to find the only thing that keeps your colicky newborn happy is sitting in her vibrating chair

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Take on Overstock shoes

What the hell is it with Overstock?   I have been buying shoes online for a decade because I 

-Like to save money

-Hate shopping

But after a decade I am starting to notice something, my shoes don't last for anything.  The last pair I bought a few months ago were so worn down that every time I left the house on a day it rained, my sock would be all wet.  

Maybe I walk violently, maybe I just choose cheap shoes or maybe Overstock sells one-offs but I am quite honestly sick of it.    

Just hope my new Overstock delivery comes in today because there are a lot of puddles out there

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Sent from my iPhone

Take on the debate

All the talk today will be about Obama-Romney so we will take on the
debate as well.
I am sure with the president ahead in most polls pre-debate that they
looked at the debate and thought playing it safe was most sensible but
after an hour and a half Obama looked defeated.
Obama looked lost, might be time to get off the Xanax pres. He never
made we contact, didn't land any body blows and looked timid.
Romney being the aggressor could really help turn the election, I am
sure 50% of what he said was wrong but it doesn't matter when it comes
to public sentiment because his "I've never hear of that overseas tax
break" jabs hit Obama smack in the nose. I hate the prevent defense
and this is exactly the strategy Obama employed yesterday
Romney came across as polished and prepared, Obama as tired and bored
(and boring)

How about some Juice???

Maybe when Romney killed Obama about unemployment numbers or tax hike
for the top 3% of small business the POTUS should have hit back with
'I'm not sure about your theory there Mitt, since you might fall in
this 3% maybe you can show the 47% what you mean through your own tax
returns"
He could have added 'and I want to see them from all 6 of your wives too"

I've heard people say that this is just the start and that there are
three more debates but I am one who believes in setting the tempo and
getting ahead in these things and clearly there was only one guy
interested in winning the presidency last night while the other was
concerned about not losing it

Romney 1
Obama 0

Take on the 'real cost' of the IPhone5

When I read a tweet quoting a mashable.com report (http://mashable.com/2012/10/01/iphone-5-true-cost/) which stated that the new IPhone5 would cost consumers $1800 I felt right away that there was something funky

I click on the link and as predicted they come to their conclusion by taking quite some liberties.  

First they take the cost of the actual phone ($199 for the middle memory one) add to tax etc and tell you that this is what most people see as the sticker price but that behind the scenes there are hidden costs and charges

The first $200 is obvious, the remaining $1500 a bit disingenuous

They add to it the cost of a voice and data plan, an unlimited text plan and few other things.  Call that. $1400

They then theorize that you'll buy some apps  maybe $50

Plus new chargers, cases and a new stereo dock and an armband and before you know it they got the lowest cost IPhone costing you $1800

What I find most misleading portiom is that they write the article as if somebody will buy this phone without it being an upgrade from another

everybody today has a phone so the the fact they include both the voice and texting plan to the calculation is ridiculous.  Even if you aren't coming from a smartphone you'd have to hope your old phone could at minimum......make calls and every phone made in the last 15 years has the capability of texting and there is no reason to suspect somebody who has never texted before will all of a sudden become an avid texter is LOL

Even the data plan seems disingenuine because it would assume that the person buying it is still using the old Nokia brick while truthfully most people buying an IPhone are upgrading from another smart phone so a huge portion the $1800 cost (data plan) is something they are already spending today.  The cost of apps is also not something that will increase when somebody upgrades from the 4 to the 5 either

I realize the goal of this article is to show the real cost of owning an IPhone but like anything if you don't put it into some context it's ridiculously misleading

My guess is the added cost for the average person is something like $250. ($200 for the phone, $50 for extra accessories) because i would bet there isn't a huge majority of people going to the AT&T and buying the IPhone5 as their first phone and if they are upgrading from something it is very likely from another smartphone and probably a previous generation of IPhone

And even if you think i'm full of crap honestly how many people are really buying the armband?   So call it $1798 and be done with it

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Take on DMV

I have wasted a lot of time in my life but nothing irks me more than
the DMV. The people at DMV are so utterly disgusting, it's like they
opened the gates and invited every piece of garbage to come in for a
free buffet. I remember hearing how privatizing the DMV would do
wonders for customer service but having now spent three says of my
life in these hell-holes i can say that nothing has changed. The
service reps all seem annoyed that they have to, you know, do their
job. The "customers" are treated like cattle as they herd us from one
line to another with absolutely no-end-in-sight

But the worst thing is something different. The smell in this place
is just awful, I am convinced the dude sitting next to me croaked a
few months ago and nobody noticed.

Maybe I will take his number because his is coming up any minute

Take on Santonio Holmes

As I'm watching the beatdown the Jets tooks from the 49ers yesterday afternoon there was one thought that I couldn't get out of my head.   It has nothing to do with Sanchez getting benched for Tebow, it has nothing to do with Revis' injury and it has nothing to do with Rex's foot fetish it has to do with a team who has stopped competing..

 

During the 3rd quarter Santonio Holmes ran a little out pattern and basically collapsed on himself and in the process fumbled the ball which was in turn taken back for a touchdown.  The lasting image of the play was the star receiver laying in a pile grabbing his knee with the backdrop of the jubilance of the 49ers are they scored what was probably their 10th TD of the game.  He, like Revis the week earlier, was carted off the field with what looked like sure trip to Dr. James Andrews.

 

but anybody with eyes knew that Holmes was tagging himself out of that game, there was no contact and I have no doubt in my mind that this wasn't a real injury..  As I expected last night the reports were coming out that it was his foot not the knee..then today they said the x-rays came back negative.. that isn't surprising because HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY GET HURT.    You could tell the way he gave himself up and the way he fumbled that ball. he was trying to find the quickest way off of the Jets plane because he knew that bad boy was going in for a crash-landing

 

Yeah I know I shouldn't question injuries but when I call a spade I have to call it one..