Take on the next Nobel Peace award winner

I can't wait for the Nobel peace prize to be awarded next year and it going to Shehbaz Sharif for brokering peace between the USA and Iran. The beautiful irony of that is going to absolutely kill the orangutan and will likely get him to threaten to drop a nuke on Pakistan but for those first few minutes, his seething anger is going to be glorious. Sent from my iPhone

Take on the aftermath of the taco I had on Tuesday.

  I wake up every morning at 5AM, throw on my running shoes, a hoodie, a hat, gloves and my blinking vest and hit the streets of my suburban town to run. It's not easy to get up most mornings we make it through but this morning was particularly difficult as the salmon tacos I had last night were not negotiating in good faith with my stomach and I was about to get screwed I make sure I'm well emptied before I head to the street as I don't want any problems, or so I hoped. My left ankle is achy and my left knee hasn't been right since I stepped into a pothole during a run a few weeks back but neither are quite as troubling as my stomach which by mile 3 is has gone from 60% enrichment to 90% fuel. The issue is that I'm not even half way done and I'm not off on some dessert or under a giant mountain and anybody with a knowledge of suburban sprawl will tell you there are very few places to hide. Plus this is my own neighborhood where I know most everybody and dropping a ballistic missile without letting your friends know would be more than a bit wrong. But I luck out, as I'm feeling like I'm going to absolutely boil over, I see an off ramp in the form of a porta potty at a construction site right next to a friend's house. With no time to waste and in the pitch dark I am met with blessed luck as there is no lock on the door, so I run in drop onto the seat snd pray to the good lord as the fury the likes nobody has ever seen before took shape. The sounds from that porta potty was akin to the howls of innocent women and children being slaughtered. I'm sure there will be an international inspectors checking out that nuclear site from now on but I'm just happy we didn't accidentally start WWIII. Sent from my iPhone

Take on Taco Tuesday

We knew it would happen, we knew he couldn't resist being a total jackass. It's time for the cabinet to do their job and invoke their ability to oust him or to get congress to do theirs. We're trying to not get worked up on this TACO crap but also when people's lives are at stake, we can't stay silent. But mostly this incident proves he's just a gigantic impotent flaccid loser who is now just stuck trying to outdo himself and nobody even cares anymore. Put him out to pasture and let's get back to business of governance and stop this fun little game of letting grandpa near the fireplace

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Take on the skinny drug.

It seems like half the world is on some kind of weight loss drug and now that they are in pill form, I suspect the other half will follow. I'm all for living the healthiest lifestyle but am getting nervous that with every celebrity on them now, there aren't any really people left for our kids to look up to. We've gone to a place where we aren't representing who we are as a society and are now just a saggy faced, flaccid body having? miserable looking culture devoid of any emotion. Those Charles Barkley commercials make him look like a muscle less sack of potatoes. It's like he looks less healthy being less heavy. This is winning.

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Take on the Hampton Inn housekeeping policy

I don't ask for much but I do feel like it's should not be too much to ask my hotel to make my bed. One of the reasons I prefer a hotel to and Air B&B is because I don't want it to feel like home where I make my own breakfast, make my own bed and brew my own coffee but this new housekeeping policy basically makes me feel like I've paid $160 to sleep at my own house.

Take on the Artemis photo

Artemis II sends back a photo of earth and they compared it to the photo taken in 1972 and honestly, the one that is older than me looks better. I'm not sure what they were proving but i will say that considering all of the technological advancements we've made, apparently long exposure photography isn't one of them.

Take on Tiger

Our president takes phone calls from over the hill golfers -and generally miserable human beings. When they flip their cars while driving while hammered. This is the president we deserve, one who is easily corrupted by fame that he's take time out of that day to some repeat drunk driver for yet another example of how not to drive a car.

Take on going back to the moon

When you ask why we are making a big deal about this moon thing, realize that it IS a big thing if you come to grips with the fact that when this was happening nearly six decades ago, it was happening in a sound stage. We were in a life of death battle with the communists and we just had to one up them after Sputnik and if you believe the entire Neal Armstrong thing was what it was then let me tell you about the Easter Bunny.

Take on replacing my running shoes

As an avid runner who runs about 1700 miles per year, I know the importance of great running shoes but often confused as to when I should change them. All the data says they should be changed around 300-500 miles which is crazy when that means you could be replacing them in two months. I'm not sure what the right number is but I'm convinced the 300-500 number is just what Big Sneakers want us to believe which at $150 for a pair of sneakers is totally ludicrous.
So here is my rule of thumb. You run till you can feel the bounce in the shoe or the traction is worn out or you've stepped in dog shit that you can't get out. Whichever comes first.

Take on the restricted vehicle

I'm not quite sure what a restricted vehicle is but apparently when you try to cross the GWB, a big electronic sign calls you out like you are wearing a scarlet letter. It instructs you to pull over and get railed for more than the $20 toll and I'm sure they pull you over after the toll booths.

Take on a dilute of technology

We can put a man on the moon (allegedly), we can bomb the living hell out of a sovereign nation and we can use AI to basically take over our entire life but to this day I still have fifty iPhone cords that are totally frayed. I don't understand why it is so impossible to design a cord that doesn't look like the string in a hoodie after a week. We have to be better than that, right?

The on the rat

Can somebody explain this new Apple/At&T ad to me? It's some far white mouse eating a carrot and he somehow turns into an iPhone which doesn't make me want to buy a new iPhone or eat a carrot. I'm no marketing expert but imagine that associating your premier product with a giant rat isn't a way to increase your customer base

Take on the awful life choices

It's Saturday night at 7pm and while my friends are watching college basketball, drinking with friends or camping, I'm sitting at a completely dead bounce house pumping in awful techno versions of songs that already sucked. I am not holding anybody responsible for this other than myself but at this point I am questioning every decision I've ever made.

Take on the stock photo

I've walkways wondered if the photos they post in CNBC after the markets close are just stock photos labeled "worried trader" or "reaction to big swing by fat investor guy". I have no idea but it seems crazy that there's a guy walking around taking live action shots of these dudes running their algorithms to try to short the market.

Take on Borg

When I was in high school we would rob my friend's dad's liquor cabinet and end up drinking a bottle of Chivas. The stuff tasted like horsepiss but at least you felt like you grew hair on your balls. What kids are drinking now might be worse

I found a bottle of green goo in a gallon container that was some concoction of vodka, Gatorade and seltzer. I can't imagine that this thing tasted any better than Chivas but I'm also sure it's got a bunch of Red40 and Blue20 in it so my ADHD would kick into hyperdrive

Take on the near fatal crash

I'm walking down 38th street today buried in my phone when all of a sudden I almost have a bone collision with a delivery guy riding a bike. I was startled by the entire thing but mostly when he proceeded to scream at me "what where you're going ahole". Now I fully admit I was distracted by my phone but what the heck. We do have a million miles of bike lanes not to mention normal streets but this dude acts like he's some 12 year old riding around the block on a weekend. Like it's my fault that I'm not watching out for some dude on a bike in a pedestrian walkway.

Take on the horrible bus commute

The commute from the Jersey suburbs into Manhattan is starting to feel like pre covid levels of misery. It wasn't too long ago when it felt like th commute albeit still sucky, was manageable but now the commute mid week is routinely one a a half hours with most of it my bus having it's nose dug right into the ass crack of the next bus like an elephant circle. I'm so ready to retire cause commuting 3 hours a day is slowly killing me

Take on the LaGuardia tragedy

The tragedy at LaGuardia seems like the kind of human error which appears to have been entirely preventable. We know that accidents happen but at this point with what we should have at our disposals, this doesn't seem like it should happen.

But what was almost laughable was that the investigation was delayed when one of the investigators was stuck in a long TSA line. The fact that this guy doesn't have PreCheck or Clear is ludicrous and the fact that some dude made him take his shoes off and make sure his handcream wasn't over 6 ounces makes me want to scream.

Take on the Dunkin Line

I stood in line at Dunkin this morning at an old school non drive through. There were about 4 people in line so I assumed it would be a few minutes. The issues was that every 30 seconds a bell would go off which I learned to mean was a mobile order. So although we are literally standing in the store, the guy working behind the counter is prioritizing the mobile orders while we stand there. He's going line person, mobile order, line person, mobile order The issue is that the average person walking into Dunkin is looking for a single coffee but these mobile orders are usually like four sandwiches and four complicated drinks.

Never again

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Take on the Banksy unmasking

I'm not sure why the scoop to unmask Bansky was so important but I like life to have some mystery. I get feeling like we have a right to know what our government is up-to or what corporations are paying off what agencies as they pollute our rivers but this was a secret I was good with. I'd like to go back to a more simple time where our presidents didn't get us into forever foreign wars and the Jets didn't suck.

Take on the noodle craze

Something happened to microwavable prepackaged ramen since I last tired them during my college days. The "ramen" options in my supermarket are nuts with noodles and flavors from Korea, Thailand, India, Vietnam and China which is great. I'm sure the sodium levels are through the roof but for a cheap quick option, it can't be beat. What is the most shocking though is that not only do you get a meal for like $2, they also come with these K-pop trading cards. It's like the opposite of a pack of baseball cards where you got a stale stick of gum, here you get a Polaroid of some korean dude in a pack of stale noodles.