The on the rat

Can somebody explain this new Apple/At&T ad to me? It's some far white mouse eating a carrot and he somehow turns into an iPhone which doesn't make me want to buy a new iPhone or eat a carrot. I'm no marketing expert but imagine that associating your premier product with a giant rat isn't a way to increase your customer base

Take on the awful life choices

It's Saturday night at 7pm and while my friends are watching college basketball, drinking with friends or camping, I'm sitting at a completely dead bounce house pumping in awful techno versions of songs that already sucked. I am not holding anybody responsible for this other than myself but at this point I am questioning every decision I've ever made.

Take on the stock photo

I've walkways wondered if the photos they post in CNBC after the markets close are just stock photos labeled "worried trader" or "reaction to big swing by fat investor guy". I have no idea but it seems crazy that there's a guy walking around taking live action shots of these dudes running their algorithms to try to short the market.

Take on Borg

When I was in high school we would rob my friend's dad's liquor cabinet and end up drinking a bottle of Chivas. The stuff tasted like horsepiss but at least you felt like you grew hair on your balls. What kids are drinking now might be worse

I found a bottle of green goo in a gallon container that was some concoction of vodka, Gatorade and seltzer. I can't imagine that this thing tasted any better than Chivas but I'm also sure it's got a bunch of Red40 and Blue20 in it so my ADHD would kick into hyperdrive

Take on the near fatal crash

I'm walking down 38th street today buried in my phone when all of a sudden I almost have a bone collision with a delivery guy riding a bike. I was startled by the entire thing but mostly when he proceeded to scream at me "what where you're going ahole". Now I fully admit I was distracted by my phone but what the heck. We do have a million miles of bike lanes not to mention normal streets but this dude acts like he's some 12 year old riding around the block on a weekend. Like it's my fault that I'm not watching out for some dude on a bike in a pedestrian walkway.

Take on the horrible bus commute

The commute from the Jersey suburbs into Manhattan is starting to feel like pre covid levels of misery. It wasn't too long ago when it felt like th commute albeit still sucky, was manageable but now the commute mid week is routinely one a a half hours with most of it my bus having it's nose dug right into the ass crack of the next bus like an elephant circle. I'm so ready to retire cause commuting 3 hours a day is slowly killing me

Take on the LaGuardia tragedy

The tragedy at LaGuardia seems like the kind of human error which appears to have been entirely preventable. We know that accidents happen but at this point with what we should have at our disposals, this doesn't seem like it should happen.

But what was almost laughable was that the investigation was delayed when one of the investigators was stuck in a long TSA line. The fact that this guy doesn't have PreCheck or Clear is ludicrous and the fact that some dude made him take his shoes off and make sure his handcream wasn't over 6 ounces makes me want to scream.

Take on the Dunkin Line

I stood in line at Dunkin this morning at an old school non drive through. There were about 4 people in line so I assumed it would be a few minutes. The issues was that every 30 seconds a bell would go off which I learned to mean was a mobile order. So although we are literally standing in the store, the guy working behind the counter is prioritizing the mobile orders while we stand there. He's going line person, mobile order, line person, mobile order The issue is that the average person walking into Dunkin is looking for a single coffee but these mobile orders are usually like four sandwiches and four complicated drinks.

Never again

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Banksy unmasking

I'm not sure why the scoop to unmask Bansky was so important but I like life to have some mystery. I get feeling like we have a right to know what our government is up-to or what corporations are paying off what agencies as they pollute our rivers but this was a secret I was good with. I'd like to go back to a more simple time where our presidents didn't get us into forever foreign wars and the Jets didn't suck.

Take on the noodle craze

Something happened to microwavable prepackaged ramen since I last tired them during my college days. The "ramen" options in my supermarket are nuts with noodles and flavors from Korea, Thailand, India, Vietnam and China which is great. I'm sure the sodium levels are through the roof but for a cheap quick option, it can't be beat. What is the most shocking though is that not only do you get a meal for like $2, they also come with these K-pop trading cards. It's like the opposite of a pack of baseball cards where you got a stale stick of gum, here you get a Polaroid of some korean dude in a pack of stale noodles.

Take on $200billion

Whiskey Pete is asking for $200,000,000,000 for this war in Iran which is odd as Trump already told us the short term gas price hike was necessary to destroy Iran. I don't quite understand how an America First policy could possibly involve spending $200 billion dollars on a war against a country who didn't pose an actual threat. But I'm sure the MAGA faithful will come up with some excuse.

Take on the TSA backlog

We're another week into TSA workers not being paid and once again Americans are paying the price. We know that the only way to get attention is to cause a stir and that stir whether it's a walkout or a shutdown hurts the people who depend on it. But when it's the only way to get the attention of those who are weaponizing the CBP and ICE, I guess this is what we have to deal with.

Take on flu b test positive test.

I'm going on a couple of years of staying virus feee but today got smacked with Flu B. It has run through my house and although we've been back to isolations and being masked up like it's 2020 but it wasn't enough as this sucker must have snuck under the door or something.
I will say these three in one tests for Covid, Flu A and Flu B are one of the few good things that have come out recently

Take on cruelty

The cruelty is unmatched when it comes to this administration. We have seen it break up families, we've seen it deport people here legally, we've seen them kill Americans and we've seen them slash USAID. Now we found out that they are holding HIV medication hostage unless Zambia gives up minerals, we've come to the point of no return. I'm all for making sure we get a fair shake but not when it's at the expense of children, which this will be.

We will never recover from this administration.

Take on the cost of war.

This warning Iran is hitting home with my fillip of regular costing me nearly $65 today. This should last me through the end of the week if I'm lucky but the idea of spending $250+ per month on gas for a single car just feels insane for a conflict of choice.

Take on the knee

Three days ago, I stepped in a pothole while running and hyperextended my knee. I've been mostly pain free in my running journey but this injury absolutely sucks. It's likely a rest and ice injury but when I'm sitting around all day doing nothing, the guilt of not exercising is awful but mostly because I feel guilty about drinking beers.

Take on the pay kiosk thing in a takeout restaurant

I knew there was a reason I hated those stupid kiosks where you pay for pickup food. I assumed it was because there was this unneeded pressure to tip for somebody giving you a bagel or a ringing up a bottle of water but speaking to a guy working in a midtown takeout restaurant today, as I went to check out he quickly pushed the "no tip" for me as I was checking out. I was perplexed and told him I was going to add a dollar or so and he said "please don't, the boss takes that money and we don't get any of it". This greedy crap tells you again how corrupt the system is towards the worker.

So drop a single in the tip cup, don't ever tip on that rat kiosk.

Take on the salad bar

There really is nothing less appetizing than walking into a place that has a salad bar while doubling as a sauna. I love the variety but don't love the guaranteed diarrhea that come with the $14.99/pound price tag. We need Mamdani do start bashing some heads and force these places to turn on a fan.

Take on gas prices.

I spent $60 filling up this week and when I saw the total I almost had a heart attack. Obviously there was going to be an economic fallout from Iran but this one hit pretty damn quickly. It's not that $60 is unheard of but usually it sort of comes at you slowly while this one was like a drop kick to my groin. I guess we will be dealing with this for a while and it wouldn't shock me if we are at around $4 gallon soon.

Take on Liquid Dwath

I'm a huge fan of seltzer water, drinking easily 50 ounces per day but honestly I've found I'm just as happy with the store brand no name options as anything else. Pelegrino doesn't have enough carbonation, other ones think that there can't be enough while the Stop and Shop one is just right.

But what gets me is this new trend of artisanal seltzer which is just ludicrous, like dude it's water with carbonation, there is nothing to it and that's ok but somehow we are being swindled into paying $4 a can for water. But nothing is worse than the liquid diarrhea they market aa Liquid Death. Not only is it ungodly expensive but it's basically carbonated urine.

Take on the sad Starbucks experience.

Here is a shitty life hack that somebody is employing.

-#1. Get a very common first name
-#2. Walk into a Starbucks
- #3 grab any coffee with that name on it.

I know this isn't new but when you walk into a Starbucks and the drink you ordered and paid for on your app which they say should be ready is not on the counter, you lose all faith in humanity.

Give me back my grande oat milk latte no water cappuccino thing.

Take on the worst war


A week in and we've lost seven service members, we've bombed a girls school, we've caused generational trauma on a region, we've gone into deeper alliance with a war criminal and now we have the son of the Ayatollah taking over from the old Ayatollah. Did we not realize that the old guy was like an indeed years old and probably about to croak and the mantle would've passed to his son which is exactly what happened just on an adderall riddled time frame. But when your great leader is as morally corrupt as he's narcissistic, this is what you get.

Take on the War of Choice

Who old have guessed that starting a war in the Middle East with an OPEC country would have negative effects on the price of gas. When we as a country are rebooting against inflation, why would a war of choice sound like a well thought out strategy
When our young boys and girls are dying, we better have a coherent message to tell their parents because so far it sounds like a Trump decided it was a good idea defense.

Take on the latest plan

The goal in Iran keeps changing from having the people rise up, to finding somebody from the old guard that they could prop up to now and unconditional surrender. We know Trump doesn't plan and isn't detail oriented but I have a bad feeling this isn't going to end very well for anybody.

Take on the Bulletproof Vests and Rolex Watch wearing cosplaying secretary.

When Kristi Noem was fired via tweet, we were just glad she wasn't in the same place as Sexy Rex Tillerson was when he got canned. She's a horrid human and her firing couldn't come quickly enough. The fact she can kill a dog, bang Corey Lewandoswki and cosplay as an official act, makes he entirely unserious and unqualified. So the time for her to go was basically as quickly as it takes me needing to after a 20 ounce coffee.

Take on the lack of a bone

Senate republicans showed again they have no backbone, femur, hip bone or bone bone. They have had opportunities to establish themselves as a coequal branch of government but completely refuse and their impotence is leading to yet another war in the Middle East. Maybe someday they will stop being flaccid losers and start getting themselves up for a battle.

Take on the weird rash

Trump has some weird herpes growth on his neck and the entire world is praying it's fatal. We know we can't be that lucky but whatever this growth is, it's absolutely disgusting and you just know he's got these measles all over his palsy blotchy skin.

Take on shorts in a plane

I'll never understand why somebody decides that flying in shorts in the middle of winter makes sense. I get that you may be going to Florida but that doesn't mean you have to look like you park on the grass in front of your house. Have a little self respect and put on a pair on jeans and suffer like the rest of us when you get to Daytona Beach

Take on OpenAI's deal with the Pentagon

Here is a hot idea, let's turn a nascent technology which has unlimited power and capabilities loose to an unfettered department of war which has not proved to have any morality from the top. Lets then take any guardrails away and let them at it. Now let's guess how this can go wrong and wonder how long before our mechanical overlords take over with their imbedded Nvidia chips.

Take on the war room

When Osama Bin Laden was captured, the photo of Obama showed the gravity of the situation. When we bombed Iran earlier today, Trump hung cheap black plastic curtains while sneaking out for pancakes. I am not sure what the protocol was before Trump but the fact that this is happening in the dining room of a crappy Florida resort tells you how dangerously unserious they all are.

Take on a horrible market moment

The job market sucks, inflation is still very real for goods and services, th general feel of the economy is crap, tariffs are killing this country but somehow the stock market remains ridiculously resilient. I can't believe that we are in a place where we have yo-yo-yo's at the 50k mark for days now. Everyone it climbs, Trump takes credit, if it drops..he blames Biden.

Take o. 32.6 Million people watching the State of the Union

I always believe that the State of the Union ratings are sort of what Pig Vomit would tell Howard. People who love Trump watch for 30. Minutes, people who hate him watch for an hour. We know there is nothing substantive about the event but at this point we need to find ways to keep ourselves a little entertained and what better way than to watch an old man ramble on for nearly two hours.

Take on the TSA Global Entry Pause

Explain to me how pausing Global Entry makes any sense during a government shutdown. This is a service which - by design- is one where there is minimal interaction with an agent. Which is the one thing a shutdown would be least affected by yes you are telling me that with less money and presumably less staff we are going to take people from the kiosk system and instead put them in gigantic queues? Yeah, somebody is playing politics.

Take on the spam political text messages

The Trump speech is not something I'll watch mostly because I have to spend half the time typing End or Stop to hundreds of messages
Listen, I'll happily donate when I'm so inclined but this theory that bombarding me with these messages is only turning me off to your entire movement

Take on the NYC winter wonderland.

There is a certain serenity after a winter storm falls in the suburbs, the white snow covering the lawn, cars and roads while kids giggle as they sled down neighborhood hills. The NYC equivalent 24 hours after a snowstorm are piles of grey mush piled everywhere with lakes of nasty melted slush covering every inch of the street. Garbage bags are piled high and even the rats don't come out to play. I've never claim to have a theory of what they should o but leaving the entire thing unattended certainly is not the answer. Can't wait to be back tomorrow

Take on the killing of ‘El Mencho’

Seeing the cartel kingpin killed was obviously a welcome sign but it does beg the question...why do these honchos have such lame nicknames. We had El Capo a few years ago, now we have El Mencho. I would have thought those dudes would have been named Ratface or Pedro Broken Legs or something similarly sinister. Instead we get the equivalent of Joey Donuts.

Take on the many names for a winter storm.

We all say by the time February or March hits that we are done with winter
But but when looking back over the last dozen years it's kind of a lame statement as we've had a decade of really mild winters. This year is different as between the snow, the ice and the bitter cold, it's actually been really been a rough winter. Now with another Nor'easter on the way, I think the entire country is just done and we all genuinely need a bit of a break. I do wonder if all these names you hear recently, polar vortex, snow bomb, blizzard, Nor'easter are all just ways for Big Meteorology to keep you paying attention because they know we are all sick of just another snow storm.

Take on the Supreme Court ruling

We've been waiting with bated breath for today's Supreme Court ruling which came at a much needed time as running a business when the president changes tariff rates more often than he changes his depends, is impossible. It's also a good sign that for what seems like the first time, a -supposedly- coequal branch of government didn't defer to the executive while simultaneously calling out the legislative branch for derelict of duty. Of course Trump had a temper tantrum and immediately went right back to adding a 10% global tariff which is like taking one step forward and one step back. But what's most frustrating is what Brett Kavanaugh hinted at which was that paying back the illegally collected tariffs was too big of a mess to execute mostly because Trump has already spent all the money on a bender.
It just shows again that Trump get away with murder in the middle of fifth Avenue with nobody so much as looking up.

Take on Texas

Just like how disinterest my kids are with their Christmas presents about 24 hours after Santa came down the chimney, the democrats hope of ever getting a foothold in Texas will be dashed like us has so many times before. We know nothing is going to come of this latest push as it's been made abundantly clear that nobody actually likes Beto while whiny weasel Ted Cruz continue to get statewide support. So don't get my hopes up Texas, we know what to expect.

Take on the airport rebrand.

Of course Donald Trump was going to financially benefit from his pressure campaign to have some lame airport renamed after him. We know that there is nothing this loser won't put his name on, no obvious bride he won't take and no ethical guideline he'll abide by. We also know that he's going to make sure that he sucks every penny out of you while he's doing it. But the weird thing is that they have trademarked the name in part because they plan on selling merch because I know I love walking around town in my EWR hat.

Take on Howie and Donnie.

Howard Lutnick has somehow skated by even after he's found all over the Trump-Epstein files. This is kind of ironic as the entire MAGA movement seemed to have been completely preoccupied with finding Epstein associates before they realized that just as many of their own were embroiled in it as Biden types. Now we have a showdown, will Trump capitulate like the business world has been forced to do, or is he going to thumb his nose once again? I think we know the answer.

Take on the social media fast.

Seven days into my social media cleanse and so far I haven't died. The hardest thing has been the unconscious clicking on the app but once you can get away from that muscle memory, it's doable. I have missed out on dozens of girl soccer videos and cute black lab ones but somehow I'm not a worse person and still breathing

Take on the airport parking lot

I'm sure that if I looked up at every photo I have on my camera roll, it would be 80% the dog, 15% my family and the balance would be photos I've taken at airport parking lots. I often scroll through remembering the amazing parking experiences, the last minute flight changes and the thousands of dollars I've spent in them. What a country.

Take on Steve Tisch.

The Jets have verbally cornered the market shitbag ownership in NYC football market but Steve Tisch is quickly catching up. Woody sucks hard and is a terrible owner but unlike Tisch at least he hasn't been directly tied to Epstein's pedophile ring. Get this dude out of the NFL and somebody run though those fumes with a fine tooth comb and get Bob Kraft out too.

Take on the NFL pardons

For some reason, Trump is taking time out of his busy day to pardon a hunch of ex football players. It's an odd gesture as they were all convicted of various drug charges but because they are famous, Trump figures they should have their records scrubbed. Of course every other black or brown person convicted of similar crimes is rotting away in prison but Travis Henry and Jamal Lewis are getting off.

Take on the Trump deadly blow to EPA’s ability to regulate climate pollution.

We're at a point where it feels like we may as well turn off the lights and at good night because not only has our country reversed course on the biggest threat to our planet's existence, it's made it so no other big polluter (India, China) has any reason at all to abide by it. We are all too happy to ruin our planet one coal powered plant at a time. I guess it's time to get an F150 and burn a bunch of tires in my backyard while leaving the lights on in the kitchen and throwing my aluminum cans right in the trash.

Take on a depraved society

Leaking back to my car last night, I was more than a little surprised that my e tire driver side mirror had been knocked off. I'm not talking a little scrape or even just a broken glass but the entire casing was hanging by a couple of wires. I was the last car to leave the street and there was no sign of anything obvious like skid marks or other damage but one thing was clear, nobody left a note or a phone number. This shows you where we are as society, property damage be damned as long as I don't get caught

So I'm $1000 lighter for that little joke.

Take on the Lutnick three hour tour to Epstein’s Island

Howard Lutnick has always been a total creep, so the fact he's a pathological liar doesn't shock anybody. Going from claiming that he never step foot in the same room after being creeped out to admitting to having vacationed with Epstein on his island is a little rich but sure this is all just some coincidental convenient amnesia. We know he's a pervert and this does nothing to dispel that theory. I think it's time to strip every one of these guys of their titles, positions and fame and burn the entire thing to the ground.

Take on the weather

Crazy to say that when I walked out of work today, it felt downright balmy at 29 degrees. This cold streak has gone on so long, it's almost as if we forgot what not completely freezing feels like and it reminds me of all those years when it's March and everybody says they are soooooo ready for spring when in fact we had one of our typical mild winters. But for three weeks straight did this bitterly coldness makes me think that this is the year we all need a recap of our vitamin D and have these complainers shut their traps.

Take on that Nancy Guthrie lady

Unpopular opinion: I don't really care what happened to Nancy Guthrie. I feel bad for her family but the fact that one old lady's disappearance has become a national story just because she's rich, white and the mom of somebody famous doesn't make this compelling TV. I hope they find her but would rather that we spend time covering the Epstein files, the ICE raids, disastrous economy, our loss in standing internationally or our need to impose regime change.

Take on really spicy food

I'm a guy who likes spicy food but I'm also one who has come to see my limitations and those apparently are the white guy spicy is not Asian food spicy. I tried some 2x spicy ramen tonight and although the top level was hot as heck it was manageable but by the time I got to the broth, I was on absolute fire. There is nothing that would make me give in here expect for the fact my eyeballs were starting to tear up and that's going to be nothing like the pain I'll experience tomorrow morning right when I get home.