Take on Trump’s health

Every time Trump goes to the doctor he gets a board certified medical professional to swallow his prize and felate Don in front of the world. Whether it was the weirdo with the long hair who said, with no basis, that Trump would be the healthiest president of all time or the guy last year who was subsequently rumored to take over the VA, Trump always gets them to spew the most unreasonable crap about him

The latest iteration is the letter from the head of a group of 11 doctors at Walter Reed who said he was in very good health and will remain so for the duration of his Presidency, and beyond" which is as believable a comment as saying Trump isn't morbidly obese. There is no doctor worth his salt who would predict the next decade of a patient this forcefully let alone one who doesn't exercise, works in the most stressful job in the world, is 50+ pounds overweight and has a horrible diet yet somehow Trump cons them all into a state of professional coma.

Take on Bezos’ exposed Pecker

The new deep throat may be a dick-pic which is as 2019 as you can ever get.  The idea that AMI was trying to blackmail the world's richest man and publisher behind Democracy Dies in Darkness based on a phone hack is laughable, this goes much deeper and likely involves an orgy of Putin, Trump, MBS, Assad, Jared, Cohen, Manafort and Kim Jung Un which is about as grotesque a visual as you can have.   All of which will get exposed now that David Pecker tried to blackmail Bezos but left Pecker as the one fully exposed 

We don't know the details yet but we do know that Jeff Bezos went on the offensive against AMI and we can think of a few good reasons

- he's already going to lose half in the divorce at this point anyway as I'm sure that's all arranged already, so he's got nothing more to lose there.  The National Enquirer cost him this by outing his afraid and Bezos is not going to get a little wienie like David Pecker get the best of their sword fight. 

- he knows that this is likely something which is rooted directly in the White House and it's going to lead to biggest break since Watergate.  He's a newsman now and this stance creates the exact storm that the WaPo will help bring to a conclusion

- like all things Bezos, he likely hung like a horse and if you can go anywhere, date anybody and buy anything (and have it delivered in two days for free) this embarrassment is likely the only way for him to get his rocks off. 

- this is his first entry into the 2020 election... he's going to make his announcement with the American Flag waving of his unit at full staff. 

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Take on Presidential Harassment

Poor Trump, this is the day he realized that the writing is in the wall and he's officially screwed with the announcement of Adam Schiff that they are going no holds barred against the President and all his men. He went on a Twitter year today with posts about Presidential Harassment and the question we ask is who is harassing who? Doest Presidential Harassment by definition mean that the president is doing the harassing? When you hear Police Harassment it's not the cops that are being harassed, they are the ones doing the harassing. If a man is involved in sexually harassment he's the one ogling his secretary's chest, so Trump May have shown again why he has the best words.

Either way the beautiful irony of all of this "Presidential Harassment" is that in the last decade the president who got harassed constantly for a fake birth certificate was Obama and the harasser was one Donald J Trump

Can't say I feel badly for old Donald, he brought it all upon himself but with the walls tightening in, we have to expect more pushback which will lead to more distraction and more temper tantrums from him.

Be Best Donald!!

Take on the SOTU

We out this together last night but only getting around to posting this tonight but here is our play by play

Ah, the pomp and circumstance, always nice to see the walking of the dead.   

Don't think that Pelosi and Pence have said more than three words to each other which is weird because you'd think that Nancy reminds Pence of Mother

Wait...is Ivanka wearing a cape??

It's official, Pence and Pelosi stood next to each other for 20 minutes and never said a word

Trump starts out sounding like he's reading from the phone book, so much for enthusiasms

Early Shout out to Elon Musk and SpaceX, didn't see that coming.

Glad to see entire democratic congressional female congregation wearing white, highly doubt Trump gets the reference.

AOC crushing this elected official thing, she's so much hotter than Mitch McConnell

Nancy Pelosi's face is completely frozen.   Hard to tell if it's her disdain for Trump or the plastic surgery..likely both

Joe Manchin just winked at Trump. He's sort of smitten

Pompeo looks like he spilled ketchup on his shirt

Mnuchin looks like he's forced to wear women's panties..the secret is that he doesn't mind.

Bernie just picked his nose.  Somebody give him a tissue...and a hairbrush....and tooth floss

Pence has some loving eyes for his master

Elaine Chao looks like she hopes Mitch is sleeping in his office today.

Whitaker looks like a bouncer at Bada Bing

Tiffany makes an appearance matching the suffrage outfit of the Democratic female congresswomen

Trump just went Dr Seuss

(I take a shower during the boring parts)

We need a wall and a ball and need it to be tall

El Paso sounds nice in the summer

Democrats are evil or smug or both or neither. Hard to tell

The young democratic congresswomen just trolled Trump and I don't know if he realizes it

The fat one in the middle looks like she had one too many Long Island Iced Teas as the Bar Mitzvah.  Please put your "whoop whoop" hands down

Trump has impressed me....in the sense that he hasn't totally butchered any words

Seeing the justices isn't the same without seeing RGB falling asleep

I LIKE BEER

Kristjen Nielsen and Kristen Gillibrand are easy to mix up. 

Is Cory Booker giving a hand job to that Senator  sitting next to him???

Elizabeth Warren should show up in full head garb ala Zack Morris

You want to unify America???  Talk up Buzz more than the 23 seconds you gave him

Jesus, Trump is fat 

Finally over. 

Is he going to sign that guy's tie?!!?

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Take on wacky Bernie

Somebody please tell Bernie that the gig is up, he tried gallantly to change America but when your message is good but your messenger looks like he just escaped from the loony-bin, the message gets lost. Bernie needs to win the battle with a comb before I can take him seriously. His screaming like a lunatic schtick works as an SNL clip but honestly, we need something different and Bernie has his shot

Time to put an age limit on the president, nobody over the age of old

Take on 60% executive time.

Everybody will be up in arms when they see that Trump spends 60% of his day on executive time but we don't. We've said since day one that we want Trump spending more time watching cartoons and playing golf and less time doing anything else. Even the tweets are better than the governing by fire mentality he has taken on. We know he's not a particularly smart man, we know his intellectual curiosity has bounds, we know he's more likely to deep dive into a chocolate fountain than into a policy paper and we know he doesn't really care about nuance, so let's stop asking him to do more of it. Let's stop lazy shaming him even if we all know he claimed he'd have no time for golf if he were to become president and claims now that he doesn't watch a lot of TV because of all the papers. We don't want to goad him into more work, we want to trick him into less

Trump has the attention span of a six year old with ADHD, I think putting him in front of Paw Patrol would be the best thing we could do for our country.

Take on Trump’s football take

Trump said today that he'd have a hard time letting his kid play football and it might be the first thing I agree with him. It's a weird position for Trump to take as he's often derided the NFL for having gotten soft, even if he believes it to be true as it just doesn't seem like the kind of position that would okay well with his core supporters

But then again, maybe this is what happened to Eric.. he has that "I got my Bell Rung" look going almost every time you see him on TV.

Take on Northam.

I never had a nickname anywhere near as memorable as Coonface which is probably a good thing. Everybody is up in arms about Northam and the photo which may or may not be him in either blackface or a KKK robe and I wonder who the heck was the editor of this yearbook, David Duke??

I then think that we all did stupid stuff as a high school kid until I realized he had this posted in his medical school yearbook.

Take on the weird Trump at the big table thing.

There are a million weird photos of Trump but none are weirder than the ones with him sitting in front of the big board room. He somehow always sits with his hands on his lap but in doing so he leans forward like a gigantic orangutan making his face look all crinkly. . What's weirder is how he looks sp
odd without all his weird hand motions and you wonder if he's been told that when he sits so close to others he can't be moving his hands around as he's likely to smack Mike Pence in the face.

But more likely he doesn't want to have his hands on the table that close on others as he'd been completely exposed for having puny hands.

Take on Jill Stein’s secret money

When all is set and done, we expect history will show that Trump, Kushner, Jr., Eric, Bannon, Cohen, Page, Flynn and Stone all either worked with -or were worked over- by Putin and his cronies. But what will be even more apparent is that Russian attack on American democracy didn't just come from the right, it also came from left. Jill Stein will go down as one of the reasons we are stuck with Trump and the chances of her being on Putin's payroll seems higher every time she opens her mouth

But what is striking is that when looking at her twitter account, it has to be up there as one of the most active to least liked ratios I've ever seen for somebody in the public space.

Looking at her last 10 tweets all but one failed to get 425 likes and the one that got the most was a repost of another story and still only garnered 1000 or so. She gets less than 100 retweets on almost everything she does. Her messaging doesn't seem to resonate with anybody yet mysteriously she gets votes and just enough to help Trump get over the line

Then I went over to the Starbucks guy and he's only getting like 1000 likes on his tweets also, Gary Johnson gets about as many although maybe he's not smart enough to actually know how to use it. Then take somebody like Cory Booker, Bernie, Kamala Harris or Elizabeth Warren and they get tens of thousands of likes if they post a photo of their Chipotles lunch

Take on Lindsey

John McCain is turning over in his grave. His protege, Lindsey Graham, has turned into full blown everything Trump felator which now includes dropping onto his knees to service Roger Stone. It's embarrassing that a sitting senator claims he wants a better understanding on how an Old Rich White Man was treated but never seems to say a word when a young unarmed black teenager gets shot. But this is where we are, have a guy like Graham protect guys who help stir the pot for Daddy Trump and hope that the boss keeps giving him some much needed affection.
Can't blame him totally being he lives with his mother and their six cats.

Take on weird math

Trump needs to stick to insulting people and stoking fear and get out of the numbers thing on Twitter. He posted something the other day about the cost of illegal immigration and put the number at nearly $19 billion. He then said that on Friday the cost was $603 million but is unclear if it was $603B up to and including Friday or for Friday alone it was $603B. But the question really remains, where is this imbecile pulling his numbers from and more importantly has anybody anywhere ever verified it? It seems very specific ($18,959,495,168 and $603,331,392) which would seem like it came from somewhere reputable but my guess is he just fat fingered it

This is Trump at his worst, swimming in the deep end of a pool without his swimmies on and having forgotten his sunscreen.

Take on The End

The Russian news of the day is that Whitaker is predicting that we're near the end which I think will be music to everybody's ears from Trump to Manafort and to the rest of the country. If Beretta Bob has something on Trump we cannot wait any longer to see it. The thing is that I don't see the end coming that quickly unless we get a Goodfellas ending with people ending up in dumpsters all at once because although Mueller is getting closer, the big fish (Kushner, Little Don, Dumb Eric, Ivanka and Sr.) are all still out there and I doubt this entire thing ends with those crooks walking.

Take on Howard Schultz

I have about as much interest in Howard Schultz running for office as I do Howard the Duck. I get that he's convinced millions of sheep to spend $4 on a black coffee and opens stores more quickly than Trump opens bankruptcies but if we have learned anything it is that putting an old rich white guy with no experience in office is a complete cluster... More importantly, our country isn't set up for a true independent run because if it ever happened with some real furor and they ever got momentum and picked off a few electoral votes it would be possible that nobody gets to 280 and I really don't know what kind of uproar we'd have then. Trump would likely call a state of emergency, declare martial law and and anoint himself king.

Take on Fat Ted

What he he'll happened to Ted Cruz?!? Years ago he had a certain thing, a swagger of sorts but since Beto he's either lost his confidence, his stylists or both. Somebody has to tell this guy that he looks like a child molester with that weird beard but worse yet, he looks like he ate his way back through a tunnel under the Mexican border. Somehow he went from Robert Kennedy to Ted Kennedy in a year. Old Ted has been having too many beers or bowls or rice because he has put on thirty pounds since his presidential run and you can add another ten to that if you count the beard.

Take on Loony Roger

1/24/19 is the day we'll remember as the day Roger Stone went down and it's the first time in weeks we feel like Mueller is moving this thing forward and hopefully the beginning to an end.  There are political reporters and pundits and legal experts parsing the indictment and trying to figure out what it all means and how it will play out and we'll leave them to that.   

But what we at TOR expect is something more immediate.  Who knows what to expect but we

expect that Stone will flip on Trump which will immediately lead to the Trumpiest Trumpian run-on sentence ever

We predict. 

I heard that Mueller and the 12 angry democrats are going after Roger Stone a guy I hardly know and haven't spoken to in years who I only met through Sloppy Steve Bannon who by the way is a gigantic weasel but I always said Roger seems a little loony with those weird Sally Jesse glasses and those wacky pinstripe suits and I always thought the Nixon tattoo was a little much 

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Take on Nancy’s cojones

Nancy Pelosi just pushed all her chips to the center of the table and showed again she's got bigger balls than anybody else in Congress. The issue now is that in a tit-for-tat political climate, Trump will likely cut off the oatmeal at the congressional breakfast or call a state of emergency the next time she's flying to California. While the shutdown continues longer than a Trump affair, many people suffer, nothing changes and nobody really wins other than CNN, FoxNews and MSNBC who've never had it this good.

Trump will now likely give campaign rally in Wichita or Chattanooga on the day he was suppose to deliver the SOTU and sadly we'll all watch and then watch hours of political commentary, proving once again that Trump is the best thing that ever happened to the cable television.

Take on the Rudy Take.

The smartest hot-take I've seen recently is the one from @andylassner which states that maybe Rudy is actually working for Mueller and I'd love to believe that's true because it may explain everything.

In all honestly, I can't figure out why Rudy keeps going out there and opening his gigantic mouth and shoving his gigantic foot in it and why Trump is allowing it. We've been doing this Russian dance for two years now and one thing I do agree with Rudy on is that it's time for Mueller to show us the goods. I get that they have Papadapolous, they have Manafort, they have Gates, they have the Russian NRA chick, they have Cohen but this won't really hit home until they get a guy with Trump in their name. Right now it's as if Mueller's team is circling around them like hungry sharks but I'm not sure we should be waiting any further because with every day that this charade is allowed to continue, it's another day of drama which is making the Nixon era look like a RomCom.

Anyway, I'm predicting the following downfall in order

1- Donnie Trump jr. For lying to Congress
2- Jared Kushner for his involvement with Cambridge Analytical
3- Melania for her role as a secret transvestite Russian spy to infiltrate Trump and transporting messages back to Russia using equipment hidden in her enormous fake vag.
4- Eric for just being a gigantic douchbag.
5- Ivanka for the fact we'd just like to see her in stripes

And finally when it's all done, Small Hands Don!!

Come on Big Bob!! We need you

Take on Bill O’Reilly’s hot take

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Take on the Russian goalpost

Trying to keep track of where the goalposts are in the Trump Russia thing is becoming a bigger challenge by the day. It started as nothing with Russia, it then went to something with Russia but only about adoption, then it was about dirt on Hillary but it wasn't any good. Then it was better than expected but everybody would do that. First there was no business with Russia, then there was some business but it ended a long time ago but now I'm supposedly believe it ended exactly on the date of the election.

We know one thing about Trump and his minions, facts aren't important to them and they move what is allowable constantly.

Take on the MAGA dipshit kid.

There might be no more punchable face than the smirking MAGA kid. But the way this thing played out makes me wonder if this was at all some kind of Russian set up to sow unrest. Then again, I'm. It all that knowledgeable about a bunch of dipshit Catholic boys from Kentucky, so even if this isn't real...you kind of know that it is real.
I'm sure these idiots will be mocked for the next year and hopefully have to carry this around like a Scarlett letter or on their case, a permanent white hood.

Take on the voices in Trump’s head.

Art Vandelay please pick up the courtesy phone, H.E. Pennypacker is on line one.


I've finally figured it out, the "people" who Donald Trump constantly refers to when he makes his outrageous claims are three dudes named John, John and Dennis.  It's taken me a few years but after diligent research we have finally gotten to the place where these "people" can be identified.

Trump will often say that "everybody is telling him" how good his speech was or "many people" telling him that his inauguration was better attended than any previous one but nobody can find out who these people are that he's talking about.

These "people" tell him about taped up women at the border, crazy riots in Paris, Muslims celebrating after 9/11, terrorists amongst the caravan, ex presidents supporting his wall etc yet there are never any actual news reports to back this up.

These can never be verified because the "people" are John Barron, John Miller and Dennis Davidson the voices in his head

John, John2 and Dennis are like the little angel and little devil on his shoulders except all three are satanic sycophants. When your entire world revolves around yourself and you feel you have no equal, even if you have hangers-on kissing your orange ass, you can only find solace in your own head. Trump has no friends, has what appears to be a nothing more than a transactional relationship with his wife, has no confidants and trusts nobody. Since he believes he's the smartest man alive the only dialogue he feels is worth his attention is the one in his head


In other words, we elected the equivalent of Son of Sam.

 Nice job electing a clinical psychopath, America!!!

Take on the “Rudy farted” face.

Chris Cuomo and Rudy Giuliani look like a pair of puppets when the former interviews the latter. I'm not saying puppet in the "Trump is a puppet of Putin" but instead that they look like literal puppets with exaggerated motion and facial expressions. If you watched with the sound off and just studied their expressions you'd see a lot of big eyes out of Rudy and a lot of furrowed brows out of Cuomo. It's like the two are sitting in a room and Rudy keeps farting and Cuomo is trying to figure out where the smell is coming from. But having seen this before it does look like it's part of this elaborate dance the two perform where Rudy twists himself into a gigantic pretzel and Cuomo looks at him like he's a complete lunatic, the WWE couldn't script this any better or have better facial expressions

Take on Democracy Dies in Darkness

Somebody put out a Washington Post full newspaper for May 1st 2019 announcing Trump's resignation and the world applauded. We know this is likely just parody and not done nearly as well as the Onion but we can hold out hope that this was actually delivered by a DeLorean.
But give whoever did this some credit, well laid out, perfect font and layout and hopefully foretelling of the future but next time you go to this lamoijt of work, can you boot Pence, too?!?

Take on the 5000 calorie President.

Lincoln and Trump, Trump and Lincoln, what a tableau.  The greatest American president looking over the worst one who is looking over 300,000 calories of BigMacs. If this isn't the perfect photo of how the republic ends please send me something better 

Trump tweeted today

Great being with the National Champion Clemson Tigers last night at the White House. Because of the Shutdown I served them massive amounts of Fast Food (I paid), over 1000 hamberders etc. Within one hour, it was all gone. Great guys and big eaters!

Few notes 

- he bragged about paying, likely about $2000, and more likely not verifiable and would only have to because he shut down the government.  

- when the order came in through seamless, you have to think they thought it was a mistake but when they saw it attached to an order for DJT C/O White House they didn't think for a second and said "oh, it's Monday"

- who got stuck with the three dozen filet-o-fish??

- what the hell is a hamberder??

- if Trump is Ronald McDonald, Kellyanne is Birdie the early bird, Sarah Sanders is obviously Grimace, Pence is Mayor McCheese and Stephen Miller is the Hamburglar

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Take on the no nickname opponent

Trump has made a career out of calling his opponent silly nicknames whether it's Lyin' Ted, Cryin' Chuck, Pocahontas, Crooked Hillary or our personal favorite Low Energy Jeb! but for some reason he spares Nancy Pelosi. He does rip on her and often mentions that she came to him looking for money early on in her career but for some reason she has avoided the nickname. I am not sure if this is because he has a higher level of respect for her or if he's scared of her because it certainly didn't because she's a woman. I tend to think it's an example of him losing his fastball unless there are just not any good alliteration options with "Nancy"

So Trump, stop this silly shutdown and get to work, we need a Nihilist Nancy, Pillaging Pelosi or something else. Maybe he can combine two since they tend to travel in such a pair with something clever like "Chuck is such a Nancy"

Take on Judge Jeanine’s terrible top

I've seen the Judge Jeanine-Trump clip a few times and the one thing that bothers me most is not his evasive non denial of contact with Russia but something else, something much more revealing. What bothers me is this terrible top she's wearing. It's like half tube top with this weird scoop down the one side and looks like she's wearing a sword holder over her shoulder.

But what bothers me more is that it kind of looks like she's about to pop a boob and considering who she's interviewing it would make it look like a boob orgy.
Lastly if there is an anchor who accidentally pops a boob let it not be somebody who has the personality of Mark Levine and the face of Joe Benigno.

So please judge, put on a less revealing and more appropriate top when speaking with the highly regarded leader of the free world...or he may jump you.

Take on the concealed Trump Putin meetings

The Washington Post reporter today that most face to face encounters between Trump and Putin have been concealed to everybody in the administration including Trump's cabinet and closest aides. This is the kind of thing that reminds us time and time again how fragile our grip on democracy really is. Our country voted for a guy who has made a career out of screwing people and his final act will be a royal screwing of America.

I'm trying to think of a legitimate reason why Trump would want the Putin meetings concealed and am struggling to come up with one which doesn't involve a pee tape.

The walls are caving in, hope we are done with this entire thing in the next few months because my heart can't take this rollercoaster much longer

Take on Ted Cruz’s terrible new look

The statement "nobody likes Ted Cruz" is never more obvious than when he goes out in public looking like a gay lumberjack covered in mustard.

In fairness for old Ted, he hasn't had it easy lately, first Trump romped him in the primaries a few years ago. He then had to grovel and bow down to the new emperor which showed how spineless he actually was. It then took everything he had to fend off a young progressive deep in the heart of Texas and now he's apparently Heidi has hidden the mirror in his bedroom because he has lost the battle with style


I'm not quite sure what look Ted Cruz has been going with but this bearded clam with this puke colored Carhartt jacket is not a very good one and if people actually did like him, maybe they'd say something to him but it's pretty obvious he has no friends looking out for him.

Take on the presidential photo

Dan Scanvino Jr sounds like he could be an extra in the final Sopranos episode and it has nothing to do with his last name. What it does have to do with is his, and his cohorts, obsession with pleasing his Don. The constant photo-ops of Trump with a bunch of his subordinates is always an odd one and reminds you how small his circle really is.

You have Kellyanne who is universally recognized as one of the worst the human race has to offer, Big Huck Sanders who has done nothing but embarrassed herself over nearly two years of press secretary. The first couple is even more odd. Jared looks like he slept in his suit but Ivanka must have gotten an incorrect memo as she's dressed like she's going to Cinderella's ball. Neither of these two will look good in an orange jumpsuit but with any hopes will be fitting them soon.

Then of course we get Stephen Miller who is the creepy guy in the corner of the bar who's leering at the same girls who we carries pictures of tucked in his underpants (watch our Sarah).


There's also Scavino who may have mustard on his shirt and a couple of other hangers on including some odd woman who looks like she got separated from her tour guide and and decided to photobomb the moment but since she's dressed like a equally dumpy Kellyanne, it offers a nice tableau

Take on Little Donnie

Little Donnie is one of the more despicable people in the greater Trump orbit and today proved that again. A man who spends his free time killing large animals with a high caliber gun has the balls to equate a border wall to the fences used at a zoo but then again maybe he knows the gig is soon going to be up. There are a lot of rumors flying that the indictments are coming fast and furious for Little Donnie and when one of Trump's own family members faces time will be a worrisome time in America because that will also be the point where this lunatic may call for martial law

But maybe Little Don was just foreshadowing his own future time behind bars.

Take on the letdown

The entire prime time Television night was a bit of letdown. Trump read (badly) off of a TelePrompter and never seemed to veer off course, so there were no fireworks to speak of. Then Nancy and Chuck decided to one-up Marco Rubio with one of the weirdest visual official responses to a president. Not only did they both look old and constipated, they had less total energy than if you caught them naked together in a Motel6.

Chuck has that, I'm a puppet and somebody is using my five hole as the entry point look and Nancy looks like she might be the puppeteer.

Anyway, if our country is defined by and our values defended by a bunch of 75 year old white folks who look like they can't find their teeth, we might need to figure out a way to build a different kind of wall. I suggest building one around Denny's at about 4:40PM on any given weeknight.

Take on Prime Time Trump

We are going to get wall-to-wall coverage tomorrow when Trump speaks from the Oval Office about his stupid wall. It's hard to know if he'll tell us if it will be steel slats or concrete or made out of the carcasses of dead coyotes but I guess this is why we will have to tune in. We want to ignore it and tune out but he'll likely say something idiotic and I guess we'd like to know if he's going to declare a state of emergency in which case I may need some more bottled water.

He's spent the first week of the New Year trying to retain his monopoly on the headlines basically calling the press out for every time he took a dump just so Nancy Pelosi couldn't get any airtime. and since Trump at the core is a TV personality, there really would be no better venue for him than 9pm tomorrow night when he's likely to spew more falsehoods

The network who puts up a Pinocchio meter next to him and fact checks him live will be the winner of the night

Take on “thank you Steve”

Trump is slowly turning into the third version of Michael Keaton in Multiplicity. He thanked Kevin McCarthy yesterday with a "thank you, Steve" which is a beautiful omen to the House minority leader and likely the last time he's asked to speak anywhere.

It got me thinking, the house minority's leader when you have the White House is a really an odd position, you don't have any power, you kind of are the de facto king of the nerds and nobody cares what you think and when you do show up..they forget your name.

Take on Rock the Rock

Axl Rose put out his first original song in a decade and it is..well it's not totally terrible.

He's a legend and it's a bit goofy but he gets away with it because he certainly has wrecked his share of hotel bathrooms (and in room fridges by the looks of him). But that was really what bothered us the most about this video, somehow they made Axl look like Axl from 1989 when now he looks a lot more like the pink guy playing the guitar in 2019

Anyway, glad he's back, i'm sure we'll be hearing Rock the Rock as part of the next installment of Not in your Lifetime.

Take on Old Trey

Prediction:   The ad agency who commissioned the last Members Only campaign is not going to get rehires next years

Trey Gowdy left DC yesterday looking like he just stepped out of a four day bender of coke, prostitutes and cold pizza.  The idea of the self proclaimed "best looking white man in DC" looking tired, horny and defeated can't be a good thing especially for a guy who looks a bit like a chunkier and dumber Anderson Cooper 

But we feel for old Trey, he never did get the Benghazi conviction or much of anything else but he'll always have this
https://dailycaller.com/2018/02/01/the-many-hairstyles-of-trey-gowdy-slideshow/

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Take on Senator Palpatine

Mike Pence seems to get a pass on just about everything. He serves as the Vice President but rarely draws the ire of the press ever though he is instrumental in any of the policies seen as detrimental to the well being of our country. Unlike his boss he's obviously not bombastic, his personality being more of the wet-blanket persuasion but underneath it all, behind the "morality" and Christianity, lies something much more sinister.
Look a the man's eyes, you can tell a lot about somebody by looking right into them as a president once said and when you stare into those raccoon eyes it looks like he's either recovering from a four day bender or, more likely, he's actually senator Palpatine using the strength of the pupil who can not control his emotions to quietly turn the Republic into an Empire using his army of evangelical clones

I guess we're all hoping Tiffany turns into Luke

Take on the new Mavericks

Tomorrow will bring a new Congress and MSNBC is letting us know that there will be two new Mavericks replacing Bob Corker and Jeff Flake. The best thing about the graphic is that they used Jeff Flake's face twice, one time with a crappy Maury Povich haircut and then with a Lane Kiffin one

Romney looks like he's coming off an all night bender and Corker looks like he just got a blowjob from Sasse and ruffled up his hair


Let's hope the new Flake is a better maverick than the last all bark and no bite one.

Take on Mitt’s stand.

All the talk will be about Mitt Romney taking a public stand against the head of his own party and we will all hope that this is something more than fluff but we've been fooled with this type of
dissidence before. Romney is about to embark on a six year term, which means that he'll never sit on down-ballot to Trump, so it's not as harsh as it might be from a senator up for re-election in less than two years. He's also coming from a unique state, one that is conservative but not overly supportive of Trump, so his outlier stance carries less weight. He is also a principled man who can carry a mormon state without Trump's backing.

But there need to be voices like this in the senate but let's hope he, like John McCain at the end, will stand for convictions and not be a paper tiger like Susan Collins and in many ways Jeff Flake. It's one thing to publicly admonish Trump when he's weakened and the political winds are in his face, it something quite different to do when he's emboldened and the political winds are in his back. Collins and Flake voted with Trump on almost all issues and only after he had decided to not seek re-election did Flake start to publicly question Trump. Collins looks into issues that seem troubling but never seems to find anything in her searches which lead to anything other than taking laps and getting credit for her moderate tones when in fact she has proven to be anything but that.
It's not just those two, I can't believe men who claim to have principles stances against all that Trump stands for continue to publicly back him. People like Lindsey Graham, Rand Paul and Ted Cruz should be fighting his impulses instead of abetting them.

Let's hope Romney can break the mold of the spineless wimps who sit on the right side of the aisle, none of whom have had the guts to stand up to Trump unless they were on their deathbeds, literally (like McCain) or figuratively (like Flake)

Take on random capitalization

There is a reason we don't let seniors drive cars or make major life decisions and nothing makes that point more apparent than reading our senior in chief wrote these nonsensical tweets about god know what. Today he went off on a capitalization mad tweet rage where he was basically asking his followers to scream a word every time it came up in his demented sentence like a kindergarten sing along

Because NEVER should you ALWAYS stick your little dinkie in a WALL made of concrete and ALWAYS know that Trump is a crazy look who should NEVER have been made president let alone manager of a record store called the WALL

Take on time traveller Trump

There really isn't tweet for everything and you sometimes wonder if Trump is just clowning all of us when we use his own commentary to discuss him. I'm now of the opinion that Trump did do some time traveling and was able to change to use it to change the space-time continuum and now is basically trying to see how far he can push it before they send him out in a straitjacket (or handcuffs) because this can't actually be real
He must be playing all of us because nobody can be this callous, this heartless, this over opinionated without being in on the joke. It's like watching Michael Scott and thinking that there is actually a boss like that roaming some office park in the middle of Pennsylvania.

Take on Win Jill Stein’s money

There are few people who I despise more than Jill Stein, one of the people most responsible for all that is wrong with the current state of country. Whether she was a knowing pawn of Putin or an unwitting one is sort of irrelevant because there is nothing "American" about her as she's a half a potato away from a Trump Russian salad.

Looking at the situation and the fact she was at that dinner with Vlad and Flynn in Moscow is all you need to know. She's an asset and the Kremlin has her wrapped around their finger probably with the compromised fear of them exposing sexual history, her financial misdeeds or something else but you know something because why else ever walk around with a haircut that bad without somebody leaning on you pretty hard.   Either way anybody dumb enough to donate a penny to her recount campaign should be stripped off their passport and deported to Mexico.

Take on the nude selfie

The most distrusting events of the last few days rent the roller coaster stock market, the Asian invasion or Trump using stationed troops as a political ploy.   That honor would go to the reveal this week of something much worse. 

The lawsuit starts innocent enough as described by @bradheath

Lawyers for a Russian company charged over election complain that "the Special Counsel has made up a crime that has never been prosecuted before in the history of the United States, and now seeks to make up secret procedures for communicating ex parte to the court

But ends with this whopper

Also, apparently, among the millions of pages of records Mueller's has collected on Russian election interference is a "nude selfie."

The lawsuit alleges that if this selfie became public it would harm national security which begs the questions...which person in Trump's orbit could it be??

If it's Melania, Kim Guilfoyle or Ivanka that wouldn't be too tough on the eyes but let's just hope it isn't one of these

Trump

Christie

Giuliani

Pompeo 

Newt

The most likely one is Eric but I'd guess the one that eventually becomes revealed of his has him with this balls stuck in a vice 

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Take on the blue explosion

That crazy neighbor with the big CB tower and the unkempt yard might be on to something. I saw all the videos of the blue lights flashing over NYC which seemed to start with a bang and ended just as suddenly has been explains away as a transformer explosion

We heard the following from an expert in the energy field

" Whether the failure comes from corroded insulation or a lightning strike, the result can be spectacular. Overcharged or worn wiring creates heat and a spark, enough to ignite the mineral oil keeping the transformer cooled. When the mineral oil begins to burn, it creates a massive overpressure inside the sealed transformer, eventually causing the vessel to rupture with a loud bang and shower of sparks and flame. Due to the materials involved, the flash is frequently bluish-green in color, and can be seen at night from a very long distance."

See this is what the government wants you to believe but we at TOR have been busy at work on our own investigation and explanations like the one above are exactly what they would tell you if there was some supernatural occurrence. No way would they be telling you the truth instead keeping you as much in the dark -or the blue light- as possible

As the fact come out it will become very apparent that this was not some weird ConEd thing but an alien invasion, our own version of Roswell.

The good news is that my buddy Jimmy the Chin is up in Harlem with his big brother in to with their proton packs on ready to take on all alien life forms (and deadbeat tenants), Kenny Conway is protecting the western banks of the Hudson and RA Sicko is covering the lower Western Banks. The GForce have the northern valley covered and will ring the air siren at the first signs. The Brooklyn front is unmanned at the present time but there are some reinforcements out on Long Island

Luckily there is backup in the form of a guy watching wrestling in his underwear out near Disneyland. So if all else fails -which it likely will- we have this guy coming to our rescue

Take on crappy Netflix

I spent the day after Christmas hoping to lounge out, put together a few toys, spend some time cleaning the basement and maybe watching a classic movie with the kids on Netflix.  The toy put together thing took hours longer than expected and after two hours of cleaning up the basement it didn't look any better but still I had my Netflix session to look forward to.   That was until I actually clicked on the app and noticed how much garbage they have.  I cannot tell you how many movies I scrolled to on the left side to only find out that although the movie I was looking for did appear on their list they didn't actually have it.  They didn't have Karate Kid but did have Kung Fu Panda II and recommended some crappy basketball movie with Kevin Durant which looked like a shittier version of SpaceJam 

They don't have Raiders of the Lost Ark but luckily they have Raiders of the Lost Art or something called Raiders! which I assume is about the time Al Davis met Jeb Bush.   

If neither of those were interesting, I could also choose something called National Treasure which is looks god awful.  

If that doesn't float your boat, they did recommend a Netflix original like Fuller House or Dumplin' which looks like 90210 meets Friends

Is this what streaming has come to?  I need to get back onto normal cable and get a blockbuster account because this freaking sucks 

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Take on the Christmas Day meltdown

I wonder if Abe is going to send Trump a Christmas casserole this year? The Nikkei index slumped 5% on Christmas Day amidst fears of a global slowdown and uncertainty in the world's largest economy. Trump's erratic behavior and terrible trade policy followed by Mnuchin's impromptu call from the beach to the heads of the biggest banks lead to a sharp sell off on Wall Street on Monday which was directly followed by a total meltdown in Japan. If it wasn't for the fact that most people were concerned about getting to Aunt Joanie's house or making sure the asparagus wasn't over cooked, it could have been worse here too, but instead Trump decided to dump it right into our laps of one of our great allies. Can't wait to see what 9:30AM tomorrow brings.

Thanks Dump, Merry Christmas to you and the rest of the haters and losers (in your cabinet)

Take on the least decent person alive

Forget asking if Trump can ever be a good president should be replaced with can Trump even be a decent person.
He's such an mindless goon that he doesn't even realize how wildly out of touch he can be and nothing better exemplifies that then his phone call with a seven year old where he asks if they still believe in Santa.
When he tweeted that he was sitting alone at the White House because the democrats wouldn't give him his stupid wall it seemed like it was just foreshadowing of him sitting alone in a single room as he complains how democrats put him behind those cinderblock walls

Take on having no intellectual curiosity

Trump is fuming about everything and anything but like he usually does, he doesn't have the guts to do most of it himself. He made Mike Pompey tell Mattis to clean out his desk a full two months after Mattis had planned to leave and then had Mnuchin fall the bankers to try to reassure them. The problem is that when you try to reassure the market it actually spooks it. But that wasn't even the dumbest thing he did this week.
But the beauty is that Trump was too dumb to realize how forceful Mattis' resignation really was. Our working theory is that it was too long and Trump wasn't going to read the thing and not till he got the cliffs notes did he understand how scathing it really was.

But I do love that Mnuchin is our on the beach in Mexico with his horrid wife probably hanging on the naked people beach while Fat Trump is seething in the white house

Take on the coyotes

Here I thought the entire wall and subsequent shutdown was to prevent rapists and murders and drug lords and gang-bangers from pouring over the border but in fact this is just a glorified yard fence to keep our wildlife. Trump yesterday spoke about the need for the wall in order to keep out coyotes which as anybody who has a fenced yard knows, is not really that effective anyway and begs the question what gives Trump the right to keep me out and to keep Mother Nature in?

But you are telling me now that not only is Mexico not paying for this thing, we're going to have a bunch of scrubby looking dogs mocking us over it. They are going to be digging holes under that stupid thing, eating out chickens and then peeing all over the US side before returning to Mexico fat and juicy.

Take on the worst week ever

Mueller better get his game on and give us the Christmas morning surprise we've been waiting for. With Ruth Bader Ginsberg showing how fragile she is, it's time to get this Mueller show on the road and take our Don and Mike in one swift move but they will need to wait until the new Congress gets sworn in.
This week has been on of Trump's worst..the market is tanking, he can't get out of his own way with this stupid wall, the government is 6 hours from shutting down, the judge didn't buy his Flynn argument, the Supreme Court upheld the ruling against his stupid travel ban, his foundation got shit down and he and his adult children may never be able to sit on another non profit board again. Mattis resigned with a scathingly resignation letter over Trump's idiotic Syrian decision. and we still have a day to go this week

So please Mueller, you need to do this to save the Union. We can't wait much longer




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