Take on the Bump

I know I’m venturing into other people’s territory here but I’ll review a couple of shows I’ve been watching. For a MUCH better review of everything that is television check out http://www.bumplovestv.blogspot.com/  There probably has never been a better URL name to describe a person and a hobby than this for my buddy The Bump. This would be the equivalent of TOR being named http://www.righettilovespornandbeer.com/ which now that I think about it might be a good new name.
I have been thinking of gettting a non blogspot.com URL for TOR and thought it might be a good time to consider a new name, one that is more main-stream and might be easier to find.


Onto the task at hand.. reviewing terrible TV Shows




Hung

Kind of a show which is a mix between Loverboy meets Dirk Diggler but looks like Tin Cup. The show is pretty terrible, not a lot of laughs and the only thing you wonder is if he pulls his Marky Mark out to reveal it at the end. The red-head is pretty hot, the pimp chick is pretty not and it’s kind of sad that the channel that gave you Dream On and First & Ten now gives you this. I’ll keep watching though, if for no other reason because I like Dennis Quaid.



The TO Show

It’s ironic how incredibly boring TO is, for such a loud-mouth he really has nothing to say at all. This would be the equivalent of the Dennis Rodman show since the Worm isn’t interesting either he just plays an interesting character on TV.

Onto more pressing issues the ex-fiancé is a total piece of ass and I’m sure he’ll be tagging her within two episodes, the Asian real-estate chick he bangs had a face made for kicking but an ass made for sticking and some of the slutty chicks at the club look….slutty.

It’s kind of cool to see that he seems to have one real buddy (the Big Pun looking guy) but what was 10x more annoying than anything TO did were Venus and Serena who do not shut up the entire time. I don’t know what TO sees in these two broads but if I was giving him advice my first thing would be to get rid of these two leeches.

Dogmatic = Fantastic

Have you ever contemplated how you can improve on a hot-dog? I know, I know it sounds impossible but after YEARS of searching and thousands of dogs and extra buns later, I have finally found the perfect hot-dog.


There is some little place on 17th street just west of Union Square called Dogmatic and these guys have perfected the dog. The concept is basically a certain sausage type (beef, chicken, pork, turkey, lamb or asparagus) which it delivered in a holed-out artisan bread.

Think the old subway sandwich where they would cut the wedge out but instead this bread is corked out like a Sammy Sosa bat and stuffed with a sausage.   They then add all sorts of sauces (jalapeno cheddar, sundried tomato-feta, truffle gruyere etc.) into the cocoon and hand it to you steaming hot and absolutely delicious and most importantly totally self-contained.  It's like a sausage filled hot-pocket except actually good.

I believe that Dogmatic was once just a standard street-hot-dog stand but upgraded to the fancy-schmancy Union Square digs which probably accounts for the ridiculously price of $4.50 per dog but with a little initiative they could so easily sell these things at CitiField and sell them for $6.95.   It would really be the perfect baseball stadium food since everything is stuffed into the bun, so you don't have to worry about some slob sneezing on your dog as they hand it down the aisle.  

By the way the ginger soda is horrible but the lemon-lime one is delicious.

Citi Field

Made it out to CITI Field yesterday and I had an experience which was somewhat similar to my first take of Yankee stadium except the beers were a bit cheaper and the fans a bit more Long Island. My first impression was that CITI was that the 16 ounce Miller Lites were ‘only’ $1 more expensive than the 12 ounce Heinekens and that the stadium has an intimate Wrigley Field feel to it. As I found my seat with a steak taco in hand I realized that I would have a hard time telling David Wright from Orville Wright. As the third inning approached and I was chowing down on the Steak Taco and washing it down with the Brooklyn Brewery’s version of a Dos Equis it dawned on me that I might actually have been closer to the field when I flew into LaGuardia 12 hours earlier from Cleveland.
By the fourth inning as I was starting into a Blazing burger noticed that the seagulls were actually flying below our sight-lines. I wondered how many people were standing on line at the Shake Shack stand as I polished off a second Miller Lite sometime in the fifth inning. As the game hit the 6th inning and I was putting down a Nathan’s dog with Joey Chestnut speed, I wondered if I was sitting at a little league stadium because for all I knew the left field fence was only about 185 yards from home-plate and any ball hit to left field meant I had to wait for the crowd reaction to see if it dunked in for a single.


Come the 7th inning as I’m snacking on a bag of peanuts between gulps of Bud Lite I wondered if you would die from shock before you hit the field if you happened to fall off the upper deck from where I was sitting. As I walked out contemplating a second hot-dog and burping up my third Miller Lite it occurred to me that somehow I had seen about 4000 calories but hadn’t noticed a single second of the action.

All in all the stadium is nice, it’s a little Brooklyn Dodgers-esque for me but it does serve as a nice museum for national league baseball in NY but really why didn’t the Mets make this a celebration of their history. Show me Doc Gooden, Tom Terrific, Lenny Dykstra and Tug McGraw pictures, show me highlights of Mike Piazza and Darryl. Everything was Jackie Robinson who was a great American but was never a Met.



Final Score

Mets 11

Cardinals 0

Total Calories: 4000+

Righetti at the start of the game 189lbs

Righetti at the end of the 7th inning 196lbs

Righetti wallet: $64 lighter

Take on Beers

I have been doing some major research for the loyal TOR readership and want to report my findings on the collection of this years summer ales.

Blue Moon's Honeymoon
Like all Blue Moon this sounds like it's going to be great but after having three of them you feel like somebody is baking a pizza in your stomach as the yeast on any Blue Moon seems to grow exponentially after consumption. I am now convinced that the entire Blue Moon craze was like Ugly Kid Joe, a one summer phenomenon. The beer tastes like crap and when you take a crap the next day you are going to be pissing shit.

Brooklyn summer ale
Fantastic. A bit tangy and good for a summer ale. Light and easy going although I would like them add a wrinkle to it in next years formulation.

Sam Adams Summer Ale
Is there a creepier sounding guy than Ken Koch the guy who started Sam Adams? I remember when I was a kid and my mom said never to get in the car with a stranger and thinking that the guy in those commercials sounded like the kind of weirdo to avoid. Back in those days Sam Adams was a microbrew which obviously it is no longer but they have kept their creepy sounding founder as the face of the franchise. I find the average Sam Adams to heavy, Sam Adams light was another one summer thing for me but the summer ale is very good but Sam's White Ale  is better.

Miller Twist

remember Algebra?   Well forget everything you learned because you take two positives (miller products and lime) multiply them together and you expect to get another positive.   Well in this case, we are in a fifth dimension cause this stuff is brutal.

MGD 64
Not a summer ale but at 64 calories it sounded summery enough.
This is worse than Bud Lite and that's saying something. I am a light beer fan and a huge supporter of the Miller company (Miller Lite, High Life plus I drafted Prince Fielder 1.08 this year) but calling this MGD64 beer is like calling Applebees' beer selection decent. Believe it or not but it was worse than Michelob Ultra.
Somebody let me know when the Rheingold summer brew is ready!!!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

so you think yo can bore us into submission?

I may have witnessed the most brutal incarnation of the new (not really that new) genre of reality television talent competitions.

So you Think you can Dance is about the worst piece of garbage I've ever seen. They've basically taken the American Idol formula (wacky foreign guy, no talent overly emotional chick and then a funny minority guy) and then basically have a guy take a gigantic shit on a stage and packaged it for prime-time television.

first of all.. all these talent shows are regurgitations of each other and they have to stop, this reminds me of the time when there had to be about 10 funny teen comedy’s that came out right after American Pie.

Secondly: there is not enough talent in this country to either fill the stage or more importantly the judges table. Every contestant on this show is about as talented as William Hung and the judges are all bad versions of the guy from Knight Rider who himself is a bad version of Simon

Thirdly: The dance craze has got to be pretty close to hitting its 15 minutes and unless there are 'stars' in the show, I'm not interested and I bet neither is the rest of the world
lastly: the lead guy looks like a cross between Don Imus and the Simpson's version of the bass player for Aerosmith and that is very very very distracting

Other Blogs...

I remember some crappy comic having this shitty joke about writing a letter and then changing what you are about to write because you don’t know how to spell it. This happens to me at least once per week and it’s really embarrassing especially if you are trying to entertain 5 to 10 people per day with your crappy blog.

Well there are a couple of really well written blogs out there with many less spelling and grammatical mistakes out there which you should be reading on a regular basis.



NYCynCity.blogspot.com -
are you interested in finding out information about some crappy club in some crappy neighborhood, serving crappy drinks for a bunch of crappy people? CynCity will tell you how crappy they really are (but also let you know which ones are decent.)

SomeoneMadeMe.com
Are you interested in finding out what happened at the same crappy bars when a single dude rips through the city abusing every single female in his lobster claws. if you are not reading this blog than you are making a huge mistake, it is about as well written a blog as you will ever see.

I'mTotallyBloggingThis.blogspot.com
Are you interested in the interwebs? This one has lots a little bit of steam in recent months but usually a good spot to catch some dorky sci-fi kid playing Star Wars by himself which is a lot better than watching the same dorky kid playing with himself.

http://chrissiworld.blogspot.com/
Are you interested in Chrissy's world? It's kind of like Wayne's World expept instead of Garth she's got Diamond Dave

a man and his can

So having been without a bathroom for the about a week as they gut-renovated it has been a bit of a pain in the ass. But I got home yesterday and after writing out a check big enough to make an AIG executive cry got my first chance to use the new equipment.

There is nothing more pleasant than a man sitting on his own throne in the comfort of his own home, doing what a man does best...stink up the joint.

Well the new setup did NOT disappoint, the sleek design, the environmentally conscious low water flush and the wide face was enough to bring tears to my eyes (and hopefully not dribbles to the new floor). honestly if the bathroom was any bigger I would have installed a urinal but being it's a NYC tenment the only way to install a urinal would be if we installed it right in the sink.

But all-in-all I am a happy man, although a buddy of mine suggested we get some good reading material in there as a nice finishing touch.

This is an absolute NO-GO in my mind and you will find no reading materials in the can at the Righetti estate. I don't want anybody hanging out in there for any longer than they have to, and really don't want anybody touching any of my fine-reading materials while they have their ass planted on my porcelain.

I'm putting a rule down now. There is no time when a man should pick up another man's reading material if said man's ass is planted on the second man's bowl.

Lets go bowling

So that chick who popped out the 8 kids has been offered to star in a number of Vivid videos for $1 million dollars per year plus health care. Do we really want to promote this kind of sick behavior, even in porn?


I love porn more than just about anybody but there is nothing I’d less want to see than some chick whose vag looks and smells like that baseball glove I left in the rain a couple of years ago and has been more used than one of those automatic bowling bowl retrievers. When I think of porn stars the only bowling analogy I like to think of is 'two in the pink and one in the stink.'

Then again it will probably sell as other freaks have become porn stars including John Bobbitt whose wife cut off his dinky and then he got a penal enlargement which made his dinky look like the alien from Alien, plus all those midgets on Howard Stern have made a decent buck doing it and of course the lovely Tonya Harding had one that seems to sell, so what the hell do I know?


But it did get me thinking, so I've compiled the Righeti list of best Celebrity Porn

1) Pamela and Tommy, just such a classic

2) The Kim Kardashian one, hoya goya!

3) One night in Paris, although the lighting sucks

4) The Pamela and Bret Michaels one, you gotta love that he wore that bandana during the entire thing

5) The one with the chick from Survivor although I have no idea who that was



Then again if MSNBC's Contessa Brewer wanted to star in “Who wants to be a Vag Millionaire” I’d watch.

I'm just not that into you.

Never have I spent a worse $12 than watching "He's just not that into you".


Now I realize that this is entirely my own fault as it looked terrible in the previews but never the less I spent the 2 hours of my life wishing I was dead.  I watched this horror show with a few friend's who have not had the pleasure of seeing me stuck in a theatre for this kind of brutality as I sighed, jittered, moved and groaned in my chair, all the while wanting to do shove a giant ice pick into my urethra.

Enough about me, now to the movie: The cast was terrible, story line brutal and the acting was worse. This is like watching Friends meets the 2008 NY Yankees, too many superstars and not enough pressure on any of them to do anything worthwhile. This was like a cast full of ARod’s heart, Lisa Kudro’s age, Giambi’s face, Joey’s crappy haircut, Jeter’s chick plus you get Ross and Rachel.. In other words 129 minutes of no heart, no passion and no laughs.

The story line is this interwoven story of four or five chicks who all can't seem to get laid on a regular basis by anybody who is actually worth their while. The formerly cute one can't get her boyfriend to marry her cause why buy the cow, the one who looks like a horse is busy giving her husband such a hard time that he starts bagging the one with the big cans, The one who looks like she got stung by bees plays the equivalent of the pathetic chick from high school who is always trying to hang with the cool kids and winds up falling in love with guy in the marching band one and the annoying one is busy online dating and getting nowhere fast.

I rate the stars like this

Jennifer Anniston -> hasn't looked this awful since those pictures surfaced of her pre nose-job. It is sad for her that she plays herself in every movie as the cute chick who can't get keep a dude happy. She must be terrible in the sack.

Jennifer Connelly -> looked like a cross between a horse and a chick who got kicked in the face by the same horse.

Ginnifer Goodwin -> her face looks like those dolls with Xavier Robert's tattoo on their asses

Drew Barrymore -> you know what they say about cute child actors, don't leave them near an open cookie jar, or in her case a cookie truck.

Scarlett Johansen-> Hoya Goya

Ben Affleck -> should stick with those insurance commercials

Schwimmer-> another shitty role

The short guy from Entourage-> pathetic

The blond guy -> I have no idea who this guy is but in my opinion it doesn’t take much to act like you got the hots for Scarlett Johansen

Superbowl shuffle

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

If you had half the heart of.....

it has been 2 years since I have taken the 2AM D-Train but now I am back...On the platform, shitfaced and nowhere to pee, I stand waiting for any sign of life!!!

By the way this seems like the perfect time to rate all time football movies

1- Rudy..... No discussion, would be #1 on any best of list... Football, baseball, vampire whatever.. I have never NOT gotten choked up during the " if you had half the heart of Ruettiger, you woulda been All Country" part. John Favreau's best movie

2- Wildcats. Infinitely better than Jerry Maguire.. Goldie Hawn still looked kinda hot plus you gotta laugh when the fat dude takes the cash out of his jock..

3-We are Marshall
If this doesn't shake you to your bones, you aren't human

4- the Replacements
Great in spite of Keanu Reeves. Heart pumping action, hot chicks (not really) and a feel good story.. Keanu reminds me a lot Mel Gibson in Lethal Gun

5-Naked Gun
OJ was fantastic

Honorable mention: Invincible, Remember the Titans, Lucas, TenYardFight (Not a movie but still great), That one in the prison, North Dallas Debbie does 40, Friday Night Lights(never actually seen it but it will dissapoint when compared to the book I am sure) and Any Given Sunday

Football generally doesn't translate to the big screen cause chicks don't get the appeal.. Dudes though and honestly this is why I live... I live to watch football and I live for hot chicks

And don't give me Varsity Blues.. That movie is all glamour no true love

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Review of the top sites

I have devoted roughly 100 hours after having been requested to review the top free-porn websites for the TOR readership.

please click the links at your own risk

YouPorn
A decent layout although the black background is distracting, the first one reviewed feels a bit like going to one of those shaddy back-rooms and finding midget and chubby chasers stuff in between the newest Jenna Jameson hits.  In general, this site is full of amateur stuff, which generally is pretty good but often leads to ugly people doing fat people which is not exactly my cup-of-tea.   Amateur content can be good , but in my opinion, The search function is tough but they have been better about separating the man on man stuff. 
In general YouPorn tends to have a lot of material filmed with bad-lighting and very little introduction.  Seems to me that there is a real lack of Quality Control done on the content which makes it feel like you are digging through a lot of cow-dung to get a couple of mushrooms.  YouPorn also has tons of international stuff which kind of proves that Eastern Europeans make better flashdancers than porn stars. 
YouPorn is a star but more of a porn-dump behemoth than a fine collection

XNXX   
    Although other connoisseurs don't love it, I am a fan of the layout and color scheme.   One thing that first-timers will probably be confused by is where the rest of the free content is (hint top right-hand corner).  Not nearly as many amateur sites as YouPorn but also tends to have a lot of professional content which does give it an air of professionalism but also makes it feel like you are watching previews on OnDemand.   I do like
the feel of the layout but it takes a bit of getting use to.  
XNXX is not great although it does have potential and in our opinion would be better off focussing on some speciality items


RedTube
 I think this site is best described as 'great content, bad layout'.  In an industry based on how well one is perceived I think that the fine people of RedTube need to consider the lay-out to make sure the content iss able to shit.   Overall, you can find absolute gems on this site but must be willing to do a little digging.   Best Of content and Most Viewed gives a good way to separate the good from the bad.  The Amateur stuff is generally done very well and the professional stuff is not always over the top.    Some good blooper type stuff but in general RedTube features interesting story lines which keeps the content feeling fresh and honest although I'm sure that most of it is professionally filmed.
RedTube knows what it is doing bit would be helped with better search and labeling functions.

Tube8
    I love this site, well thought out, well laid out and excellent content.   A bit too much of chubby chasers but like RedTube they seem to have the right things in mind in terms of layout and ease.  Good content, a bit more 'professional' feeling than what is featured on RedTube but seem to feature a lot of "college party" stuff as well as 'bachelor and bachelorette" things which at least puts real-people in social setting situations which is usually pretty good. 
Tube8 has had some early success and should be a force to be reckoned with, should continue to get better but might want to define it's company goal a bit more clearly


by the way, if I hear a knock on my door at 6AM on day with "Let us in FBI", the first thing I'm doing is throwing my laptop out the window.