Take on Frank Stallone

When the only thing anybody knows about you is that you are the younger brother of a guy who used to do gay porn, you need to really go out
on a limb to get anybody to realize you are still alive. Frank Stallone decided to pick on a 17 year old school shooting survivor and calling his pussy out for getting a little bit for his britches. I'm not sure what the hell that sentence should mean but I'm sure it's great. I also like the fact that this 60
Year old guy is calling for somebody to sucker punch the kid, that will show him

What is the most surprising is that anybody even follows Frank Stallone on Twitter.

Take on Roseanne

I have to think there were quite a lot of people who were surprised when Roseanne shared the news that Trump called to congratulate her. It was odd that he called her minutes after her show ended to congratulate her for her ratings and has yet to call a single Parkland survivor. What is also surprising is that many people assumed the two of them hated each other until they finally realized that is Rosie O'Donnell who does look a lot like Roseanne

What shocked me most was how much middle America embraced Roseanne again. Maybe they'd forgotten about her rendition of the Star Spangled Banner a few years ago because I wonder if they gave her similar outrage as they now give Colin Kaepernick.

Take on Hope

And there went any Hope for a non dysfunctional White House

Hope Hicks who many credit for keeping the chaos (somewhat) contained left the building today and the White House will never be the same. Unlike every other Trump surrogate, she goes out as a champ with everybody wanting to know more about her. This is in direct contrast with every other person who has left the White House who everybody sort of hopes ends up on Bob Mueller's bad side. Some people will say that her intrigue is bolstered because she doesn't ever talk but nobody is interested in Kusher and we have also never heard him talk. It's not because she's a woman because the second Kellyanne gets fired the claws will come our. It's purely because she is hot, a hot quiet woman is intriguing a loud one (Omarosa, KAC) is annoying. A quiet man (Rob Porter, Kushner) is creepy and a loud one (The Mooch) is self involved. A chubby man (Spicer) and a chubby woman (Big Huck) are both seen as grotesque. A southern man (Rex) is seen as slow, a physician (Ronny, Carson) are seen as misguided, the Italian (Pauly Manaford) seen as crooked. The dorky (Mnuchin, Reince) are seen as..dorky guys who never got laid in high school

But the hot 29 year old former model...she's the one we all want to know more about.

Take on Caroline Sunshine

If you asked me what I thought was the reason a former Disney Star in her early 20's was in the news, I would have assumed she was doing porn or got busted for possession or DWI but somehow she's doing something even more morally repugnant. Caroline Sunshine, who really does have a porn name, is joining the official White House Press Team.
I have no idea what the responsibilities of an official within the press team involves but I assume it involves a lot of screaming about Fake News. But at least you know she is well qualified because Trump hires the best people.

Take on Remington

Poor Remington, they've been such a good corporate citizen but all of a sudden they are going to go on food stamps and ask the US courts to help them out of their predicament This is what you get a GOP Congress with a gun but President, a decline in sales. Nobody has any fear of any real gun regulation, so nobody is building an arsenal and the gun companies are all hurting because of it

So maybe, if the NRA really represented gun companies they should start supporting liberal democratic candidates, they are much better for business

Take on respect for women

Donald Trump says he has more respect for women than anybody because, well, he says so. Nothing in Trump's history seems to prove that daft but facts never get in the way of a good argument. But this is the Wild West and everything goes in the West Wing. Trump can bang porn stars and playboy bunnies and his audience will lap it up. Notice he hasn't denied any of it because he likes the illusion that he's some kind of playboy when, in fact, he's just a horny 70 year old pseudo celebrity with a lifetime supply of viagra

Take on Stormy on 60minutes

The most anticipated episode of 60 minutes aired a few hours ago. I didn't see it but the big taxiway was the threat Stormy got from some Trump goon. We were hoping for details about his viagra habit, his obsession with his daughter and a couple of good nicknames for Stormy. It was also disappointing to find out this thing lasted only one time. But to see Anderson Cooper have to ask these questions is the best part. This ha Ari be a highlight of his career

Take on the March for Our Lives

When you draw a bigger audience than a presidential inauguration it's pretty impressive but when you can stick it in the eye of the thinnest skinned president of all time, it's that much better. Of course Trump retreated to Mar-a-Lago this weekend and even gave up a chance to fight over the $1.3trillion spending bill because he wanted to get out of DC as quickly possible. Can't blame the orange one, there were hundreds of thousands of people coming into his town, each of them angry and none of them friendly to him
So he's playing golf while kids and parents and grandparents and uncles and aunts and teachers and principals and everybody else were out there marching, is there a better tableau?

Take on Trump’s willingness to pay for sex

Can somebody explain what the appeal would have been for a Playboy model to have willing consensual sex with a cheese minor TV celebrity who is built like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man? Karen McDougal said that Trump tried to pay her after they had sex which she found weird and creepy, I'd make the case that not getting paid makes it weirder and creepier. Trump is cheesy, weird, awkward and completely unattractive so it's no surprise he'd offer to pay for sex since he must realize himself that he is completely disgusting.

But I think it goes deeper than that, the reason Trump offered to pay both McDougal and Stormy Is because it makes the entire thing transactional. Maybe his creepy lawyer has an NDA written up for anybody who bangs Trump which they abide by after accepting money for sex. Or maybe it's some loophole in the law where the transactional nature of the sex makes it so that Trump can take some legal repercussion if it came out.

Anyway I expect the market to tank today, so hold onto your hats

Take on the Bolton hire

Trump ran a campaign partly on his claim that he saw the mess that was the Iraq war before anybody. Now obviously there is no way to know what position he took because back in 2003 nobody cares what Trump thought and maybe he was right.
But now, he makes his National Security Advisor one of the architects of the falsification of facts to go into that stupid war. The guy with the terrible mustache and the worse outlook on international affairs is now our NSA head all because he promised Trump he wouldn't start any wars

This guy wrote an essay about he legal justification to going to war with North Korea EARLIER THIS MONTH

Keep these two lunatics away from the red button

Take on Facebook

I'm kind of a dummy about most things but somehow I saw the demise of Facebook before most everybody. I was a late adopter and an early dropper mainly because I felt I was too old originally and too many old people were on by the time I left. But what bothered me more than anything was the fact that you lost the rights to what was yours and this Cambridge Analytics thing played right into that. How is it that Facebook allowed some app to come along to test your social IQ and in the fine print let them mine all of your data AND all of the data of anybody you are friends with. Six degrees of Kevin Bacon later, you have your hand way up a pig's ass and now we're stuck with the ultimate swine president

Thanks Facebook, thanks stupid aunts who got caught up in the FakeNews thing and thanks for all of you for giving them the open fields to steal your vegetables

Take on the cue cards

Our president gets handed cue cards that say stuff like "show sympathy" or "don't congratulate the crazy dictator" for winning a sham election. But this is Trump and there is probably a real sense that he might not be able to read, or at minimum he doesn't like to.

But with Cambridge Analytics coming to a crashing end, with Trump taking almost no stand on Austin and with that dummy Ben Carson blaming his wife for the hideous dining set, this will only make like the 1000th dumbest thing the administration did this week

Take on Big Huck

Jim Carrey best know for getting less funny in every movie he's ever done has turned to art to show his disdain for he modern political world. I'm always weary when a Canadian tries to interject himself into American politics but in this case, Trump is sort of all encompassing.
Anyway, he drew or painted a picture of some Gene Simmons looking chick and everybody assumes that it's Sarah The Huck Sanders. I am not sure this looks anything like Big Huck because, well, this chick is similarly ugly but not nearly as fat. Yeah I know this isn't PC but that woman is really painfully ugly but to be fair, Sean Spicer looked like a wad of used chewing gum. I'm not sure why Trump chooses these incredibly unattractive people to be his face of his horrible administration for
the press. Big Huck looks a lot like her father before he got the lap-band surgery and then crossed with one of the characters of the Addams Family

But the Jim Carrey picture is clearly Kellyann Conway

Take on the NDA

Wait, Donald Trump has been forcing white house employees to sign an NDA and this is only the 20th most disturbing thing we've found out about him. First of all, I am not sure it's legal and the $10
Millions penalty not enforceable but you have to think that when you have to sign something like this, it's for good reason.
I doubt No Drama Obama made anybody do this mostly because he isn't a narcissist but also because he doesn't have any reason to do it.

But this does sort of describe why everybody that leave Trump orbit has stayed mum on the craziness from inside. Most even find their way back in his good graces, whether it is Spicer or Mooch or Lewandowski.

You'd almost say he's blackmailing them, where could he possibly come up with that concept

Take on the little Don wedding photo

I'm not a guy who takes pleasure in the physical deficiencies of my fellow man...ok that is a bold faced lie. When I saw the photo of the Trump trio at Little Donnie's wedding I giggled. Actually I more than giggled, I spit an entire IPA all over my pants. Ivanka looks hot but a bit manly, Vanessa Trump has this weird smile like Little Don shoved his hand up her ass. Little Don looks like he's a reject from Jersey Shore because he was 30 pounds too far and Eric looks like Beavis if Beavis has a snagly tooth and ate Butthead. This has to be one of the best family photos ever taken.

Take on Rex’s sloppy release

Rex has had a hard week

First he was fired over Twitter since our president is afraid of confrontation with anybody he can't bully. Next a bunch of stories about Trump's disdain for Sexy Rexy appeared online including the fact he thought he spoke too slowly and finally we hear that when John Kelly called Rex to expect something from Trump, the secretary was on the can. I've travelled overseas a fair amount and there is nothing worse than a stomach bug while you are tens of thousands of miles from home and that moment when you are sitting on the throne with your bowels fully open is the only few minutes of normalcy you have. Well Kelly interrupted this to tell Rex to come home immediately.

And to think that only 15 months ago this guy was running one of the biggest and most successful companies in the world and now he gets fired while taking a sh*t

Take on the Easter Bunny

Say one thing about Trump, when he fires you he somehow always keeps a relatively good relationship with you. The Mooch still speaks with him regularly as does Lewandowski. He loves Gorka and I'm sure even Sloppy Steve will make it back into his good graces.
Today even old friend Sean Spicer make a return, this after he was humiliated by being sent home from Europe a day before he could have met the pope. The good news for Spicer was that at least this time he wasn't hiding in the bushes although we did wonder if he was trying to get his EasterBunny gig back

Maybe Trump will hire him again just so he can get the pleasure of firing him again. You just know that Trump loves picking on old Sean.

Take on the teachers packing heat

The idea of arming teachers has always seemed like a terrible idea, but it will always take a horrific accident for that to sink in for the NRA nut jobs. Every shop teacher you ever met met was missing two fingers, every chemistry teacher had that weird acne on his face and every gun teacher looked like he was a kid toucher, these people have proven themselves to not be able to perform their own job without putting themselves at harm. I'm for resource officers but giving 80 year old Mrs Carper who teaches home economics a 9 millimeters and asking her to take out a guy carrying an AR15 is just not going to cut it.

So I am not surprised to see a teacher accidentally shoot a gun and accidentally injure a student. Might make sense to limit access to guns, not pt more into schools

Take on the crazy day

In the last 24 hours I had my back operated on, had the indignity of needing help peeing and popped three more opioids than I'd promised myself that I would in a lifetime.  
But other than that, did I miss anything?!??

Oh yeah, I guess I did

- TOR favorite Sexy Rexy Tillerson was fired on twitter and a great story emerged when Trump
scolded Rex for not eating a salad (https://twitter.com/yashar/status/973615497592934400) while meeting in China with President Xi.  When you are getting put to task on dietary choices by Trump you know you are in trouble

- Rex's second in command was fired unceremoniously hours later for releasing a Rex firing timeline that conflicted with the White House's record

- rumor is that Trump is going to fire his secretary of veterans affairs and replace him with Rick Perry which I'm fine with because it would move the dumbest member of his cabinet further away from anything to do with our nuclear stockpile

- Stormy Daniels wants to give back the $130k to keep silent which is always great news

- Trump wants to start a new department called Space War Department to fight the Stormtroopers I assume

- the Pennsylvania polls will close in a bit over an hour which hopefully mean Trump spends the next two days describing Saccone as a drooling buffoon.

- Don Jr took a photo being interviewed by the Easter bunny. https://goo.gl/images/4bkJgb

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Saccone Rally

Trump's rally over the weekend for Rick Saccone was as much a campaign rally for some little district outside of Pittsburgh as it was the beginning of Trump's own re-election campaign. Our president spoke for 75 minutes and mentioned Saccone only in the last few minutes and even that was done reluctantly. I guess we should be impressed that he's taking an interest in this special election, one where he has put all his cards on the table but when you realize it's not about Saccone on the 18th district it's pretty obvious why he did it. The fact he did publicly go "all in" would make Saccone losing all the better.

The beauty is that as Trump is trumpeting Saccone on Twitter, he's bashing him in private according to published reports by Axios overnight. This is Trump's out which he'll use if the tides don't continue is Saccone's favor. The stories will come out immediately how Trump knew he was a failed candidate and a slob and Trump will never mention his name again
But what I really think is that Trump thought he was coming out for a Rick Santorum event and when he showed up he saw Rick Saccone who looks like a pudgy used car salesman and Trump thought. "Who the hell is this guy, I thought I was getting that slim dude in the suits not the guy with ketchup on his tie".

Take on no style Tillerson

Sexy Rexy Tillerson is making a whirlwind trip around Africa as part of his Secretary of State duties but somehow he must have missed the memo. There was some photo of Tillerson dressed like a grandfather going on a safari getting out of his car l. This is our number one diplomat and he's wearing grandpa sneakers, khakis and a -non matching- khaki too. In other words he looks like he works at Officemax. I'm shocked this guy doesn't have a cell phone belt clip and a goatee.

Take on Jared

Is there anything that Jared can't do?? He's bringing peace to the Middle East any day now, he's fixing the Louis problem, he's modernizing the way the federal government works and he's negotiating a new NAFTA. As if the man isn't busy enough, he also has three young kids yet he somehow has time to negotiate deals for his company and, as a CNN piece said today, tackling the Washington Swamp. Never mind that the biggest swamp creatures are either nepotism nelly or corrupt Carlos and Kushner is friendly with both

But this is Jared's world, we're just living in it

Take on the HGTV White House.

We always say Trump's administration is like watching reality TV but maybe it's more like watching HGTV because Trump's cabinets loves redecorating

After Trump came into officer he instantly turned the Oval Office upside down by painting the entire thing in gold and apparently his cabinet got the memo. Last week Ben Carson was caught trying to buy a $31,000 dining set for his office, the news went nuts saying the Expeditors was exuberant but we really wondered something else. "What the hell do you need a dining set in your office??"

Well Ryan Zinke did Carson one better by ordering a set of $139,000 doors, were not talking about some super sectors vault door to keep all the gems he's stealing from the interior, this is your standard front door.
Let us know when we will start draining that swamp, at this rate our best bet might be November 2020

Take on the meeting without preconditions

So after decades of insisting we wouldn't meet with North Korea without guarantees that they would stop nuclear proliferation, the White House has agreed to do just that.

I'm actually not convinced that what we've been doing is a good strategy. North Korea still has their hands on nukes, their people are starving and deprived of most things because of the crippling sanctions and we aren't safer for any of it.
The closest thing we have had to direct contact with Pyongyang in decades is Dennis Rodman.

So I'm willing to give this a shot because, really, what other choice do we have. We aren't bringing the Fat Korean with the terrible haircut to his knees but all the normal diplomatic systems have failed miserably. I'm sure Trump and Kim Jong Un will get along great as Trump loves dictators and Kim loves anybody who can claim to have banged a porn star

Then again, I'm not sure who will be leading the delegation to actually negotiate something here as these two obese morons may negotiate themselves into a jello wrestling match.

Take on Tucker II

I honestly don't get the appeal to Tucker Carlson. I can't stand Hannity but I get his appeal, O'Reilly was sort of charming in his own stupidity but Tucker Carlson is not even funny. I know that FoxNews is going through a downward spiral and they'll likely get rid of this guy in the next year but this must go down as one of the real low points having this guy anchor your evening lineup.

But what is more troublesome than his horrible show is the fact the guy looks like the poster boy for a Megan's Law ad.

Take on David Dennison

Somehow Donald Trump paid $130,000 in hush money to Stormy Daniels but he forgot to sign the contract which makes the hush money null and void. It really sucks mostly for poor Michael Cohen who paid the money and apparently hasn't been paid back and now it's all going to come out anyway.
What is the best part of it is that Trump goes by the totally terrible name David Dennison which has to the worst fake name ever created. This guy's got nothing on Ron Mexico.

Takey on the Nunberger

Somedays we struggle for content, other days the content writes itself and somedays I wonder if we would be better off just posting a transcript of Sam Nunberg's interviews with MSNBC, CNN, The Weather Channel, The Disney Channel and Court TV. I have to think that there is something seriously wrong with this guy, I mean seriously wrong because nobody decides to whip out their little dingy and shove in Bob Mueller's face if they have any fear of Mueller biting it off. But Nunberg certainly isn't afraid of Bob Mueller and maybe that is because he's off of his mess, maybe it is because he thinks that what he is doing is protecting Roger Stone or maybe he's about to jump in front of the A train

I'm hoping it's no option three because I got to get to work tomorrow

Take on the Amazon Essential

I needed an fall/spring jacket that looked just a bit more respectable than my American Giant hoodie so I went over to Amazon and found a black jacket with 4.8 stars over a few thousand reviews. Two days later my jacket shows up and it fits great, is exactly the thickness I'm looking for and has amazingly deep pockets which you could literally stuff an iPad mini into. The only odd thing was that the "brand" in the label was AmazonEssentials which I had kind of heard of but assumed it was their service to bundle a bunch of things like toothpaste, hairbrushes and condoms together It's not exactly weird but it is sort of odd as it seems they are just bypassing their vendors and now going direct which you have to think involves a lot of headaches not worth their time

Take on term limits

Trump speaking to a private audience speaking about China removing term limits for their presidency that "maybe we'll give that a shot someday" and immediately the internet went crazy. How could this man even joke about breaking the covenant we as a country have with our constitution, who dare he trampled on our democracy like that.

But I saw it differently, if he were to do that it would mean that not only would Trump run again in 2024 but his opponent could be none other than Barack Hussein Obama and we'd see Reagan-Mondale II

Take on the Trade War

Maybe Donald thinks that Trade Wars is a show on Bravo or something because I can't think of a good reason to exclaim that they are good but then again I didn't go to Warton (undergrad) and I haven't spent my life bankrupting every company I have that wasn't underwritten by Russians

The most disturbing development out of this Trade War thing is that the people for it (Trump, Wilburt Ross, Stephen Miller ) are all morons and they were kept at bay for this by Gary Cohn and Rob Porter.  One half of that pair is out already and the other is on his way.  

Basically anybody with any sense of economics says one thing and Trump listens to one guy who is an abject racist and the other one who is older than dirt and falls asleep after lunch.  The other one pushing for this is Carl Icahn who by the way sold all his positions in steel last week. 

Then I read this and I thought we have really gone off the deep end

Supporters of the tariffs have begun broadcasting televised ads in recent days during programs that Mr. Trump has been known to watch. One such ad ran on Fox News minutes before the president's Twitter post on Thursday morning.

How the hell have we let ourselves get to this place with the president making hugely impactful trade decisions based on an infomercial.  I don't even trust those ads to give me the perfect egg cooker and this moron is using them to shape policy. 

But maybe we can use this tactic to our advantage. We put together an ad to play at 6:30am on FoxNews saying true universal background checks are necessary to keep the guns out of the hands of terrorists, child abusers, drug dealers, weirdos and psychotics.   We can even add a line that it can be a way to find illegal immigrants.  

Really play it up to Trump and voila we have real gun reform 

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Take on Sea Cucumber

I've had my share of interesting food but tonight may have taken the cake.   I was served sea cucumber which tasted nothing like cucumber and there was not one second that I felt like I should put my cucumber in it.   This thing looks like something out of Stranger Things and somehow people on this continent saw this and thought...appetizing.    Forget the taste, the texture of this thing is like eating spiky silly putty the kind that's been left out in the sun too long

So anyway, this thing is disgusting and weird and sort of creepy but at least it isn't bull balls

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