Take on god's gift

A man can only ask for so much, he can ask for happiness, security and
love but hoping for more always seems like somebody who tries to be
greedy. I tried to rationalize it all over the last five years but
have come to realize that everybody is handed a different lot in life,
my lot just has a bit more estrogen than most.

Whenever I tell people I have three daughters, they will inevitably
look at me and say "I'm sorry". Not because people don't love little
girls but because they know that as a man, I am not just completely
outnumbered but I am stuck sea without a compass. Three girls under
the age of five will take it's toll on anybody, they all have
different needs, wants and desires and balancing that with work,
upkeep of a home and a marriage is never easy, but for once, I will
not take this as a reason to complain. I have had hard days, ones
where I have wanted to jump out of a moving minivan, days I have
wanted to turn up Dora so loud that my ear-drums would pop and days I
have wanted to poke my eyes out with a princess crown but I have great
ones, too, and those are better than the lows. Maybe I am too cynical
expecting it all to be black or white but the grey (or is it gray, I
never know) areas are awesome. They are the times you learn more
about yourself, your own limitations and your own fortitude.

So screw you to all the dads of only boys, you have it easy, you are
in charted territory. Try taking on three girls and tell me what you
think. Plus I am sure my three girls can kick the sh!t out of your
little ones

Take on the shoot-out

There really is no worse way to end a major sporting event than a
penalty kick shootout. I get that the players are exhausted and there
is an argument against playing on forever but ending a World Cup game
in a shoot-out is like ending a ties World Series game by implementing
a home-run derby, and then one on a little league field. The
advantage is so much in favor of the kicker, it is ridiculous as the
guy has the opportunity to kick a ball into a net the size of my
garage from like 8 feet out. Yeah, you'll see the occasional
miraculous save and you'll see some world class athletes crumble under
the pressure but in any normal circumstance the striker has a 9-1
advantage at that distance.

They should at least push it back a few yards or have to get the guy
to approach the goal, dribbling from midfield. Or do it blindfolded
with a firing squad pointed right at him

Take on the Durex Pride ad

Saw that Durex was celebrating Pride Week with a bunch if new ads
which you'd think would be targeting their core audience but I was
stupefied by this one. I get they are celebrating Pride Week so a
couple of gay men would seem to both celebrate the week and appeal to
potential customers which apparently are white gay people. What is
odd is that they focus their ad on both a gay and a lesbian couple,
which for the spirit of the week is great but also seems to be missing
the point when it comes to people who can actually use their product.

Regardless, Durex we comment you for your celebration of white gay people

Take on the gas station sign

There is a Valero gas station close to my house who has more American
flags and "American owned" signs up around their station than a Hulk
Hogan convention. I get the idea of not buying from oil from
countries who despise us and thought it was an interesting marketing
technique but was wondering how effective their newest sign showing
the four local stations with an accompanying image which is meant to
signify where the gas company is based

Valero is apparently US based although truthfully I have never heard
of it before moving to this town but they represent all that is good
and true in an oil world controlled by counties who fund and fuel
terrorism, bring on sharia law, quell public unrest and mute the
voices of their country's opposition

Citgo is owners by the Hugo Chavez' cronies who have no love for the
good old Stars and Stripes and would bomb us out of this Hemisphere
the first chance they get

Shell is owned by an even more evil empire, a country with s
combination of loose morals and right wing nuts that they should be
shunned from any business transaction in the free world

But really Delta gets the worst treatment as they are apparently owned
by the canine nation who will get back at us for making them eat
intestines and aholes by taking a gigantic dump in our gas tanks

take on the World Cup tie-breaker

there really is nothing more obscene about futball than the tie-breaker they use to have a team advance out of the first round to the knock-out rounds..   FIFA in their infinite wisdom decided that the best way to break a tie between two teams with identical records should be goal-differential.   This is like two teams in football ending the season tied with identical records and the NFL using total touchdowns thrown as the deciding factor.  It might not be that ludicrous but the NFL's first tie-breaker is head-to-head which in every game -other than Fantasy Football- makes sense as it would put the onus on something real like play on the field as opposed to something that can be easily inflated with late goals in a blow-out game.  

So I'm calling on FIFA to change the tie-breaker rule moving forward to the following criteria

record in the round-robin round

head-to-head

if the head-to-head ends in a draw then the next tie-breaker could level of hotness of the team's fans

...

then you can go to goal-differential.

Take on the inadvertent switch to the Yahoo browser

There really is no greater crime than when, without consciously
consenting, your IPhone web browser gets changed to default to Yahoo.
I am sure it was some pop up window which I X'd out that changed it
but for the last few days all my searches have been complete cheap.
Ask for the total goals for teams from South America in the World Cup
and they give you the name of a brothel. Ask for coxsackie virus and
they show a picture of a dude with a huge sack and a tiny winkie and
ask them for a photo of some DCups and they show you some dude
sunbathing on the beach in Southern California

Take on extra time

We really get into soccer once every four years and truly believe the
World Cup is one of the greatest sporting events in the world. Unlike
the Olympics which also wraps itself up with national pride, this is
an event where you are captivated by one great game and not getting
sucked into some crazy game like shooting a gun after skiing or
playing shuffleboard on ice. In futbal the action is great, the
stars are not manufactured by NBC, the intrigue is real and the
competition is fantastic

What we don't particularly like are some of the soccerisms. The
entire FIFA is corrupt, the flopping is lame, the superstars are prima
donnas and the seedings seem to have been picked out of a hat at
random. But what really irks us about the beautiful game is his
concept of extra time. We get that with a running clock there has to
be some ability for the referee to add time to makeup for injuries,
substitutions and purposeful slow play but the concept of adding a
seemingly random amount of time -at the discretion of one person- to
the end of a game seems a bit 19th century but it's execution is
ludicrous

I can even wrap my head around the concept but what I can't fathom why
they don't let anybody know how much actual time they are adding. At
the end if the US-Portugal game the TV announcers said that the ref
added five minutes but that only means that it will be somewhere
between 5 and 6 minutes that is like telling an NBA team they have
about 4 minutes of overtime but the ref can blow the whistle any time
between four minutes and four minutes and 59 second. How the hell
would Phil Jackson or Pat Riley draw up a play??
In a tournament run by such a corrupt league, this can only lead to
accusations of cheating and you know this isn't beyond them.

The next time some American lawyer is in Rio in one of their renowned
FIFA fanfests and he steps into a brothel, he should ask for extra
time but not indicate how much he needs. If he's not done and if there
are complaint then they take it up with Sepp Blatter.

Take on the World Cup of Fashion

With the World Cup in full swing we are going to continue seeing a lot
of excitement as we go from the first round to the knock out round
which will mean better games because the talent level will be less
diluted and the teams that make it through will have better chemistry.
One thing we will see less of though are all the crazies dressed up in
be country's colors as they good through NYC. Brazil, Argentina or
Germany may win the cup but they will not will the worst dressed fans
cup...that distinction will go to the Dutch who prance around
manhattan wearing orange shirts, blue pants, red shoes and a green bow
tie and top it off with a purple hat. It is like the clowns are
trying to dress like somebody threw up a rainbow

So here is to hoping the Dutch keep it going because you can't have
enough color in your life.

Take on the GWB bus terminal shopping center

Drove past the GWB bus terminal yesterday and saw them advertising all
the brand new retail space available. The huge sign attached to the
side if the building included a picture of the exact same building but
as opposed looking like the dump it is, they have it all glitzed up to
look like some futuristic mall.
This might be the vision for the place but for somebody who has been
going through that terminal for 25 years, you know that there is
absolutely 0% hope of that place no looking like a third world bus
terminal

Take on princess overload

There really aren't many things more disturbing than the way they forced-feed this Disney Princess into little girls subconscious.   Unlike like boys who get smart, caring, sporty, funny and adventurous leads in movies and TV shows while girls either get some Mexican chick and a monkey or the same princess regurgitation over an over again.  Nothing can be worse for a five year old kid than learning the only dreams she should ever have involve a castle and the only say to get there is by enchanting a prince. 

As a father of three young girls, it's time for Hollywood to start recognizing that little girls should not be limited to their fairy tale boundaries.  We need more smart, athletic girl leads and the up owing Pixar's movie Inside Out (http://www.vulture.com/m/2014/06/what-pixars-next-movie-will-do-for-girls.html?mid=facebook_nymag) due our in 2015 is a starting point.    

If Frozen showed Hollywood anything, if is that little boys will not be turned off my a movie lead by a girl, time to make them princess free

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the fruit stand

I love the fruit stands in NYC even though they wildly overcharge for
basic fruits. You can get two bananas for a dollar, three peaches
for $2 or a bag of grapes for a ten spot. Now, this isn't the end of
the world and not exactly criminal because I am literally looking for
one or two pieces as opposed to getting a garbage bag full at costco
But what always bothered me is that these guys won't let you buy a
single banana if you have a bill bigger than a single. I guess it is
not worth their trouble to break a bigger bill for a $0.50 purchase
but if seems to me they if you are adding a 90% markup you could at
least be accommodating

take on Samantha Foxx

the legendary stripclub, Scores, is continuing to sue some NJ Dr. for a $135k bar-tab, even after he alleged he was drugging when he racked up the bill.  We have all spent a couple more dollars than we'd like to admit to at a stripclub but I can't imagine dropping $135,000 on anything, let alone a bar tab but this isn't really the story.   The story goes that four strippers including some chick named Samantha Foxx would slip drugs in drinks and then start using the victim's credit card like a lotto machine..   But the real crime to this entire story isn't this dude's blackout story, the exorbitant price of booze, the alleged drugging, the fact the lead stripper looks nothing like the real Samantha Fox or any other shenanigans.  it's the fact that this version of Samantha Foxx is a dude..

just look at her jawline, muscle tone and huge package stuffed into her panties.. 

Take on The Yankee Way

All over town there are these billboards advertising the Jeter'e last
season. There are photos of the Captain hustling down the baseline,
hitting a ball the other way and waving to the fans which is sort of
nice as he has been a baseball icon in this city for nearly two
decades. What is odd is that next to the photos of Jeter they will
put photos of some random family in what I guess is their attempt to
entice a father or mother to make spending $300 on tickets and parking
for a family of four a tradition you can't miss out on. Nothing
captures Yankee tradition like some nerdy Asian dude and his snot
nosed son smiling over the West Side Highway but that isn't the worst
of it for the Bombers.
Long gone are the days when Yankee stadium was drawing 3 million
people and the stadium was sold out nightly, now the mighty Yanks are
advertising along the West Side highway along ads for Larry Flynt's
hustler club

Take on Miss Teen Colorado runner up

When I read that a former Miss Teen is releasing a porn video, I
wasn't the least bit surprised. Not because I know anything about
the girl and not even because it will be her second video. I was not
surprised because what do you expect. If you are going to put your
kids on stage for a bunch of muddle aged men to gawk at, you have to
expect they will continue to choose paths where middle aged men will
gawk at them.

What was odd about the article was that they stripped this girl off of
her title but since she didn't actually have a title of significance
(runner up as Miss Teen Colorado is about as impressive a thing to add
to your resume as understudy in a high school version of West Side
Story)

The only thing I really have against this is that any time you search
for teen and porn, you are inviting a knock at your door

Take on the new truck

I love food trucks and will frequent them at least two or three times
per week. I love the dirty gyro cart, supported Katz and Dogs, enjoy
the empanada truck, eat at the cheesesteak tuck whenever possible and
will even grab a dirty water dog a couple of times per month but when
I saw the latest incarnation of a truck I was less interested.
I love TGI Fridays but as a grease truck it just doesn't do it for me.
Not sure why but it just seams that a truck should be more David than
Goliath of maybe because nachos aren't conducive to street food

Take on the Ny Times question

Thank you for asking NY Times, it's a question I have not thought a
lot about but probably should. Life changes and so does your
writing. Maybe if gets better, maybe worse but certainly in 6 years
of doing a daily blog we know it has changed. When we started we
wrote about booze, running and women's shoes, today we talk about
breast feeding, running on empty and going to buy kid's shoes. Maybe
we are less cynical, maybe we are less political and maybe we are less
jovial but one thing we are is appreciative. Appreciative that people
will take a couple of minutes out of their day to indulge us. Six
years of writing every single day means we have posted nearly 2200
blog posts which, if we can say it, is no small feat.
But thank you for reading, we hope to do this for another few years as
it's now our only non-kid outlet.

Take on my own Fallujah

I am not one who believes in God, Holy Trinities or Heaven but if I
needed to describe Hell it would probably be Target on a Saturday
afternoon with three screaming kids. I don't know why three is so
much more challenging than two but three kids at the suburban Fallujah
is near impossible. Between the aisles, the toys, the perishables,
the 10,000 other families and the bumper cars there is just now good
reason to ever do this at any time other than 9:30pm on a Tuesday

Plus they were all out of wipes which is the one item I came in
for..the bastards!!!

Take on Miss Indiana

Mekayla Diehl was crowned Miss Indiana a while ago but when she tried to wear the crown of Miss USA, she didn't even make the top 10...

I guess there could possibly be 10 hotter chicks than her but most of the talk was that she was too heavy to win.   This chick who is 5'8" and a size 4 is apparently too thick for the judges but anybody who would turn this chick down in the sack is a gay-man (or a straight woman)..   I know there is this desire for the rail-thin chicks but who in their right mind would want to spend a night with a plank with mosquito bites over a chick whose got curves like Route 6 is out of their minds.  This chick is the way that a woman is suppose to look

anyway, she may have lost the crown but she's number 1 in our heart or in our mental bank... 

Take on Big Coffee

Our entry earlier this week on the exorbitant cost of iced coffee
relative to it's hot brethren has elicited quite some response and
touched quite a few nerves.
Apparently, we as a nation are ok with Big Coffee running the show
because only TOR is willing to point it out and because I am stuck in
endless traffic because of some accident on the GWB and I haven't had
coffee, I am particularly cranky

Anyway, I was sent a link to an article in the Atlantic
(http://m.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2012/03/why-is-iced-coffee-so-expensive/254945/)
which laid out many legitimate reasons for the higher price if iced
coffee. Then again it was entirely based on an interview with one guy
who owns a coffee shop. Anyway, this "investigative" report came back
with four reasons why this dude justifies his higher cost

- the cost of plastic cups are higher than paper ones
- the coffee shops are forced to buy expensive new seasonal machines
- there is more coffee grind used
- it takes the same markup as other higher prices items
- people are stupid

Let's take these on one at a time

- the cost for a paper cup vs. a plastic cup is probably about $0.01
when bought in bulk. As pointed out by one of the comments to the
article, Fast Food restaurants sell soda in same "high quality"
plastic cups for less money and do just fine. In fact my most
estimates those sodas offer the biggest profit margin at a fast good
place.

- these "expensive seasonal machines" are called ice makers. Some how
I am not convinced that an ice maker will put a restaurant our of
business being that nobody charges you extra for ice water

- As for the more expensive grind, Starbucks sells about 5 different
brewed coffees at the same price and most places just dump the same
coffee over ice. Plus a 16 ounce warm coffee is actually suppose to
be 16 ounces while a 16 ounce iced coffee is probably 8 ounces of ice.
So the higher price gets you less coffee but be sure it was a better
bean

- they need to make the same markup for other high-prices items is a
completely worthless argument since we are comparing it to their least
expensive offering.

- the people are stupid is a pretty good argument on the other hand.
If somebody will happily pay nearly I double for some ice cubes and a
plastic cup, I guess there is really no argument left

take on "we're pregnant"

Mila Kunis was on Jimmy Kimmel the other night when she went on a rant about guys who use the "we're pregnant" thing and like most things Mila..I completely agree..   There really is nothing worse than some dude (or chick) who uses a phrase like "we're pregnant" because..well you guys aren't both actually pregnant, there is one person basically carrying around a sack of potatoes while the other is going out boozing and smoozing.   

This is like somebody saying that 'we're running the marathon" when it's really their partner lacing up the shoes and suffering through 26.2 miles of misery.. 

I've been lucky enough to have three kids but never once would I utter those words.. and if I did you can kick me the nuts, cause I'm going to do it to you, if you utter them.

Take on the Greatest Scam in the World

There really is no bigger scam out there than iced coffee. Hey, we'll
take a small $1.25 coffee, keep it in a fridge and serve it over
frozen water and charge you double. Not only are you essentially
paying for ice but you are actually getting less coffee which is
already a ridiculously high profit margin item

So although your iced coffee sounds delicious on a sweltering hot day
after I just ran 10 blocks to catch a ferry, I will opt for the small
coffee instead

Take on the unoriginal muppet costume

I always figured that if you were going to be a Times Square Muppet,
you'd want to stick out. Now, that doesn't mean you have to play the
guitar in your tighty whities but it should mean that you pick a
costume that is a bit different than your Columbian brethren in
donning. Today I saw not one, not two, not three but four different
guys dressed as Lady Liberty. I get that this might be a popular
character for the idiot tourists but I'd appreciate one of them having
their lantern held over their crotches

Take on the police trap

There really is no bigger scam than the one my home-town's police
department runs completely legally. They have set up the equivalent
of a speed trap except instead of trying to work towards public
safety, this is set up solely to generate money for the department.
On a pretty busy street they have staked out a spot right over a hill
and watch as unsuspecting drivers fall into the trap over and over
again. The trap goes as follows, there is a plain-clothed police
office hanging out on a sidewalk along a well travelled parts leading
into the town. The officer is camped out by a blinking yellow light
just kind of hanging out and waits till a car approaches. He then
sticks his pinky toe into the street and since it's
a blinking light, forces anybody who doesn't slam on his brakes into
breaking the law. Not only are people legally driving down this road
at 35 MPH and stopping for what appears to be a drug addict is
actually more dangerous because there are cars right behind him but
the crosswalk is one that is never used, so most people would not ever
think to stop, especially since the officer isn't even attempting to
actually cross the street

While waiting in traffic in the opposite direction last week, I saw
the cops pull over five cars in a 3 minute period, each of whom
probably got a $50 ticket and a few points on their license.

Take on the World Cup draw

I don't claim to know anything about soccer but even I will get into
it once every four years. What I've heard about more than anything
in anticipation for the start is how incredibly unfair the draws are
and based on the above handy chart this seems like a reasonable gripe.

Group H, for example, has four teams which could be beaten by my four
year old's town team and they don't even keep score. But Groups B, D
and G are just ridiculously stacked basically pinning Hogan vs Flair
vs Stone Cold vs Triple H. We all know that FIFA is completely
corrupt (see Qatar) so this is no surprise but for the premier event
for the sport, they could at least play a little lip service to
fairness, even if they very obviously have set it up for Brazil to win
this thing.

Take on the DIY project

Nothing is more fun than spending a Friday on a home improvement
project. The beauty of buying a house from a want-to-be DIY guy is
finding a bunch of Christmas presents every time you open a wall, if
Christmas sucked.

My bathroom sink hasn't been draining real well and even a full bottle
of Draino doesn't help, so I went to check the trap to find out it
looked like a piece of rotten wood. I go to three hardware stores
and find out that all the piping he used (1 1/4) is non standard which
means standard replacements are hell. I am now without a working sink
and have a call out to a place in Kansas City hoping I can get a 1 1/4
flanced connector pipe.

Kill me

Take on the Subway coffee pod

I walked into Subway the other day and after I got my breakfast
sandwich they asked if I wanted a coffee and because I am a caffeine
addict, I said yes. I know it shouldn't really matter but when he
pulled out a Keurig pod and made me a coffee and then charged me $2, I
felt jipped, because I know these things cost $1 a pop which is weird
because I have no problem paying $2 for a brewed coffee which probably
costs $0.10.

Take on the new McDonalds logo

I have a soft spot in my heart for a BigMac mainly because it is an
absolutely delightful sandwich but, probably also, because my parents
refused to ever take me to McDicks when I was a kid. All my friends
were getting a Happy Meal after little League and my mom would feed us
a kale and cucumber sandwich.
I was always envious of those other kids until I realized they are all
400 pounds now. I am not sure what made the Happy Meal so appealing
other than the two pounds of salt they threw of the fries because
anyway you cut it, it was just a small burger in a fancy box with a
cheap plastic toy inside. With that said, it was pure marketing
genius and there was really no reason to change from it...until of
course these geniuses at McDonalds inc. decided that they needed a new
logo and the one they probably spent millions to design is completely
frightening looking. I am not sure how this thing appeals to a five
year old because it looks like a comic book vagina monster

take on the male vs female hurricane study

I read an article on CNN yesterday which stated that hurricanes with Female names are less devastating than ones with Male names.   The study, which looked at all hurricanes from 1950 through 2012, showed that feminine hurricanes named Cathy or Tracy have killed many more people than any of the masculine ones like Richard and Chris..  They theorized that it had to do with an intimidation factor with people doing more preparation for male-named hurricanes.

A buddy commented that since he didn't remember many male hurricanes that it doesn't seem possible and we tend to agree.    Although it certainly can help with limiting death and injuries, a hurricane is going to cause major structural damage regardless of preparation, so you'd think that male ones are just as likely to destroy levies, bridges and buildings..

Looking a bit further, it seems the study is completely skewed because up until 1979 all hurricanes were female so all hurricanes before that date should be tossed out of the study.. The way we see it, chances are that this has nothing to do with people putting more onus in male hurricanes and probably just some statistical fluke

but if you want a reason why this is, I will give you one..   maybe female hurricanes are actually larger in scope for the following reason: since they alternate between M/F names this might actually have something to do with climates, I figure that after a major storm there might not be enough tension in the air to allow for the build-up of another in a specific region and since you have certain areas in the Caribbean for example where they all seem to originate, maybe it's just the fact that when there is a big female hurricane it just can't be followed up with a large male one...

or maybe people are stupid enough to not put wood on their windows because the next storm is called Nikol as opposed to Tim

Take on John Daly

there really is no better American than John Patrick Daly..  Not only because he's a fall down drunk who sometimes dazzles and other times fizzles but because he just revealed he blew through nearly $55 million playing blackjack and slots.   I've lost a few bucks in Vegas (really just a few bucks) but cannot imagine blowing through millions of dollars, even if I had millions more. 

the best thing about him is that when every once in a while, he'll shoot like a 68 on a Thursday of a tournament and make the cut.. then he usually implodes by Saturday and proceeds to hit a ball while it's rolling down a hill for a couple of penalty shots.    then come Sunday he's the first one off the tee and he barrels through 18 holes in like 3 hours, all while shotgunning beers and smoking butts the entire way..   He's passed out in a gutter somewhere even before the leaders come around the turn 

Take on Brody

When I read that the US had completed a successful prisoner exchange
with the Taliban, I was both relieved and completely frightened.
Obviously, getting Bowe Bergdahl released was important as he was the
last remaining POW in Afghanistan or Iraq. He was in such bad shape
when we was brought back by the US Special Forces that he had trouble
speaking English after having spent 5 years in captivity.

What bothers the Editorial Board of this newspaper was that not only was this
guy a deserter who put many US servicemen and women in harms way,  in
exchange for Bergdahl's release the US released five of the most
dangerous captives from Guantanamo Bay. Say what you will about
Guantanamo but we do believe that it housed some pretty bad dudes and
although may be unconstitutional and cruel, it kept a certain element
out of the battle fields. We always believed that IF Obama could have
closed Guantanamo, he would have but somehow the people they are
holding there cannot be brought to light without it being either i)
dangerous, ii) irresponsible, iii) embarrassing or all of the above.
What worries us is that although they aren't going to be released
right back onto the battle field, they are now in the hands of Qatar
which is about as bad, unless of course they can help build some
WorldCup stadiums with air-conditioning.

If anybody thinks keeping these guys in Qatar is a good idea for a
year, we are in for a big surprise. This is like arming Bin Laden
during the 80's, these guys after a decade of torture in Cuba
are now extra pissed at the blanco. These guys wheeled and dealed
their way through the FIFA process, I have no doubt that a couple of
donkeys and a couple of barrels of oil can't get there five guys
smuggled back to Afghanistan in a week.

The other thing that is scary is that although we all wanted the US
soldier back, we can't shake the thought of a real live Nicholas Brody
entering the national stage.