Take on a bad arm (national) quarterback

Say what you will about George W Bush but that dude threw a perfect strike during the World Series in 2001, an event captured and recalled perfectly in the recent 30-for-30 short called First Pitch. Well Obama has never been able to hold his jock athletically (long soliloquies about our national identity are not a sport and neither is golf) and nothing makes that more clear than the photo he posted on his own Twitter account today
Obama is shown throwing a football in an empty stadium like he is at his very own combine and his form can only be described as "like a girl" as if would make throwing off the back foot seem correct.
His stride is ridiculously long, his hips are turned too quickly, his front hand leaves the ball too early, his weight is all in the front even before he has brought his arm back and he is holding the pigskin like it's covered in oil. I'm mean it does look better than Tim Tebow but that is not saying much as Obama has about as much of a chance of starting an NFL games does at this point as old Timmy.
This is not the picture of QB perfection we need to be throwing out there, just wait till ISIS gets a hold of this, cause they'll turn that into a pick-6

Take on "on accident"

I am far from the authority on grammar but there is one term that I hear often which bothers the hell out of me.  

People who will say that something happened "on accident".  I have always been of the believe that something happens by accident whereas when something happens for a reason it happens on purpose.  At least this is what I was taught in the second grade but I run across the on accident thing all the time. 

You tell me which is right.  

Cathy fell down at a kid's birthday party by accident but to be fair she did drink six glasses of Chardonnay on purpose 

Cathy fell down at a kid's birthday party on accident but to be fair she did drink six glasses of Chardonnay on purpose. 

I don't think it is close 

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Take on the port authority hip hop DJ

I walked into Port Authority the other day and was hit in the face with a wave of sound that almost knocked me on my ass. I don't know whose idea it was but for some reason part of my commuting cost is now being used for live entertainment and by live entertainment there is a deejay in the back corner blasting Salt n Peppa tunes for an audience of zero

Maybe it's part of their community outreach, maybe they are using it to scare away the homeless people, kind of like an invisible fence or maybe they hired the marketing firm for those cheesy girl clothing places in the mall but I find the entire thing irritating. Get off my lawn!!

Take on the "Mail it home kiosk"

As I went through the security at Columbus airport this week I saw a big Mail it Home Kiosk which allows you to send the stuff that security would have taken. I guess I appreciate the idea that you can save your vitamin water, large toothpaste or AK47 but what is odd is that they have this thing located AFTER the security all the way down the hallway. So what happens here

TSA guy "you can't take a grenade into the airport"
Terrorist guy. "sorry, can I mail it to myself?"
TSA guy. " sure take it down the hall next to gate 67 and mail it back to yourself and no funny business"
Terrorist "no problem buddy"

Take on the toe

Walking out of a six year olds birthday party today, I tripped over a paver stone which was set about a millimeter higher than the rest. I didn't hit the floor but the stinging on the top of my big toe was horrible. I get the kids together a look down and my entire flip flop is covered in blood. After some further inspection when wiping away most of the blood with a snot covered, ketchup stained paper towel I saw that a piece of skin, the size of a dime was dangling off the bottom of my toe and it was gushing like Old Geyser.
I cover it with a bandage which is meant for a shotgun wound and make my way over to my car leaving a trail of blood from the backyard down the driveway and into the street. I have to think some detective is going to think he just broke the case of his life if he pulls onto that street this afternoon.
I go home but my foot it throbbing and I'm losing pints of blood every 30 seconds. After a while my wife suggest I go to emergicare and have them look
The nice Asian Doctor basically pukes when he unwraps the gauze from around my toe, although I am not sure if it is because of the hanging chad or the fungus outbreak. He throws some antiseptic down on the toe which I imagine is just as much for his safety as mine and starts working in there. The last words I remember are "this shouldn't hurt too bad"
I wake up 6 hours later with my foot bandaged, my ego bruised and my five hole aching

What a day.

Take on The Pope

It is really a shame these Popes are so old when their name is finally met with white smoke billowing out of the Vatican because there really has not been a better leader of the Catholic Church than Pope Francis.   

Regular readers of this blog know my feelings towards the Church which stem mainly from their systematic coverup of wide spread pedophilia by way more priests than they've ever let on.  This alone is enough for me to not trust anything that comes out of that organization ever but add to that their archaic stances on marriage, divorce, life and contraception and I never thought I'd gain any admiration.  Then we meet Francis and see how far humbleness can carry for a man of the cloth, his positions on every virtually major church issue has been a giant leap forward and we finally have somebody in the church strong enough to address controversial issues with a mindset that 85% of the republican candidates for president are not able to.   He shows compassion where others show anger, he shows courage where others hide in fear and he shows humility where others push only their  agenda.   

This is a man to be admired

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Take on Xi Jinping's visit

With all the pomp and circumstance around the official state visit of Pope Francis, it should be noted that the more important official state visit will come later this week when Xi Jinping shows up in DC to throw down the gauntlet. There is no bigger global adversary to the US than China and it will be on full display this week. Yes we are on (relatively) good terms but the decision of these two countries whether or not to commence in a waltz will have ripple effects that will be felt for decades. Whether it is climate change, cyber security, Iran, North Korea, East Asian security, Taiwan, US debt held in China, Chinese dependency on the US to buy crappy wind up toys and electronics and who will take the place of world power in the next 50 years. Now there will be lots of talk, and handshakes and niceties and photo-ops but to gauge where China wants to go is critical.
This will be an interesting meeting and we will be watching

Take on Yogi

When I heard that Yogi Berra passed away this morning I had two thoughts

1- I thought he was dead already.  I guess I wasn't 100%sure but I would not have bet the house on it

2- I bet the entire day will be filled with lame Yogisms 

Well we definitely got a lot of those but it did remind me of the best Yogi story

But that is not what I remember about him most. I remember most that the other ball players always complained that Yogi Berra would stand naked at the clubhouse buffet and scratch his genitals over the cold cuts.

This guy won 10 World Series rings, was widely considered as one of the top three catchers of all time, caught the only perfect game in World Series history and never had a pitch call waved off and was a three time MVP, 18 time all-star but the thought of him rubbing his nuts over the bologna is one you will now never forget

Hope there is a nice pic-a-nick basket up in heaven big guy, and I hope you dump the entire thing over Steinbrenner's seersucker suit 

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Take on the Big Bang Theory

I was scrolling through CNN today and saw an article about whether or not there would be a big wedding in the Big Bang Theory. I was shocked? Not because Sheldon and Amy had split but rather that there is anybody, I mean literally anybody, who watches this show. I was honestly under the impression it went off the air with That 70's Show but now I am confronted with the fact that it is still very much on TV. How terrible are the show runners and writers in Hollywood that this dumpster fire has a ten year run on network television.
Please somebody tell me that they are laughing all the way to the trophy case with their multiple Emmy's and I will cut the cord tonight.

take on Scott Walker

UPDATE: Walker at 0% in new national poll

there has not been a presidential candidate that we have been more wrong about than one Scott Walker....  we loved Walker's chances at the Republican nomination when he announced his run but could not be less impressed with him after months on the campaign trail and two snoozefest performances at the debates.. Maybe it was the fact that we only knew about him and hadn't actually seen him in action but good god this guy looks out of his league and his latest poll numbers are in the George Pataki and Bobby Jindal range which basically means he should be voted off the island.

but since this probably our last chance to look at Walker before he bows out...

what bothers us about Walker are the following

- the guy looks like he could be standing on a sidewalk corner in a rain-jacket and no pants on.. there is something just weirdly creepy about him

- that haircut is just not presidential, you can't have a guy who has a bald spot that looks like it's growing at the rate the Arctic ice is receding 

- he looks like he has that terrible old guy deep-stomach breath.. like he hasn't flossed in a year

- his entire asymmetrical face is very distracting..  his one eye is just way too high on his forehead and the other looks like it sits in his cheekbone.. Now Scott, this is coming from somebody with the same weird face affliction and it sucks but you gotta stop showing your face in public, you look like Sloth


**edit, looks like we put the last nail in the coffin as all reports this afternoon are that captain bald spot is dropping out, that fall was meteoric**

Take on the NFL schedule

There are a few weeks in the NFL where you just scratch your head after looking at the schedule and this week is one of them. The NFL has 10 out of their 13 non prime time games scheduled at 1pm which makes for a great 1pm hour but makes for a dreadful afternoon especially since two out of the three afternoon games feature either the Raiders or Jacksonville. I get that the NFL can do no wrong financially but when they get a combined 3 rating today at 6:30pm, they should know why

Take on the green revolution

I have travelled the world but readily admit there are certain cultural phenomenons which I will ever understand. One of those is a new fashion statement in China with men seemingly growing small plants out of their heads..in the name of fashion or green living or green fashion I'm not sure. I can't say I actually witnessed this stupidity in person, I did see smog, ate bull testicles and came across a bunch of truly disgusting habits but this bean sprout head dress was not one I enjoyed

Take on the waitress weight limit

A boxer must meet weight, why wouldn't a waitress have to do the same thing?? This week a New Jersey court ruled that the Borgata, the only thing in all of Atlantic City which should not just get swallowed up into the sea, can regulate how heavy, or light, its waitresses are. I get that his will get some people's donuts in a bunch but the Borgata is selling an experience and that experience is not meant to look like those two twins on those motor cycles.

So get off your asses and shake them ladies, I'd certainly expect the male bartenders to not be able to walk in looming like the Simpson's Comic Book Guy.

Take on the second GOP debate

Here are a few things we learned after staying up way too late watching the second republican debate

Scott Walker has an incredibly asymmetrical face, his one eye sits up at 2 o'clock while the other sits down at 9 o'clock. It is very distracting

Ted Cruz. I wouldn't leave my daughter in a room with him, if I had a son I wouldn't leave him in a room with him either. this guy is a complete creep and has a Subway Jared feel to him

Jeb Bush. He seemed the same lifeless, passionless dweeb he always come across as. His marijuana admission gave him no traction, almost like he was trying to prove he was a cool kid when everybody knows that in high school guys like Trump gave him wedgies behind the lunchroom. At least his brother was probably a true cool kid with his coke induced trips.

Kasich. The guy is the only adult in the room although the entire time he looked like he had to take a leak. He couldn't stand up straight and his eyes were bloodshot, I'm afraid the best candidate might be dying in front our very eyes

Carli. Trump should have told her the truth, that her face looks like a Picasso. Can't wait for her to fire 30,000 Americans

Trump. His bravado was a bit tempered and he seems to be building some kind of budding friendship with Carson but he is still the star of the show

Carson. If Walker looks stoned, Jeb looks like he needs a 5-hour energy, Carson looks like he needs to be strapped on a gurney and given those heartattack shock pads. This guy speaks so slowly it makes my skin crawl

Christie. He should have said his code name would have been "cheeseburger". The dude is literally twice as wide as any other candidate although he did have a few moments and I love when he dukes it out with....

Rand Paul. He actually made some sense yesterday. He is right about ISIS, was right about Iraq and is 1000% right on marijuana. He is also probably 5'4" and has a shitty haircut.

Huckabee Save everybody some time and just go home

Rubio. He is so scripted it's like he is a cross between an elephant and a robot, one that needs a bottle of Poland Spring

Take on a poor choice of accompanying photo

I'm a bit of a politician junkie and can easily be baited to click any article discussing the dysfunction of the GOP or the sheer ineptitude of the Democrats, so it wasn't shocking to anybody when I clicked on an article from the Times yesterday that said "Online Ad for Jeb Bush Paints Dark Picture of Donald Trump"

What was shocking was the accompanying photo which showed a black couple standing in front of a house, an interesting tableau when calling Jeb out for painting a "dark picture".
I am not even sure what the article was about but the headline along with the photo certainly sounded like it was trying to show that Jeb Bush was making Donald Trump out to be a black man living in some 1500 square foot dump in suburban hell...and really that isn't nice because we all know The Donald wouldn't be caught dead in some prefab hellhole like this

Take on the do-not like button

I have not logged onto Facebook in more that two years but they finally did something right. I read today that they are adding a Do Not Like button which must be is welcome addition for all the moms and grandmothers who don't like their yenta friends

I am not sure what it is but the entire idea of Facebook got so tired and from speaking to people now they all -finally- agree. Facebook is the anti-cool, it is what your mother or grandmother does, nor what your hip cousin does and that should tell you all you need to know.

Take on the AMC Times Square

I always thought the order for not going to a movie theater in Times Square was, in order
1-loud patrons who talk and yell throughout the entire movie
2-the fact it costs a week salary to go
3-ex-Mayor little-nut's decision that you are not allowed to buy a large coke

But now I am convinced that there is a new reason which might get to #2 on the list. Nothing will beat out the top choice because you can't hear yourself think let alone enjoy the movie but now there is a bed-bug scare which makes the old seedy 42nd street movie seats seem sort of safe. Who the hell wants to pay $15 to go see two unfunny people like Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg try to remake a classic like Over the Top and now have a risk of not just wasting two hours of your life but getting the crabs all over your body??

Time to shut the entire Times Square thing down.

Take on the guy who has given up

There's nothing sadder than the guy who has just given up. I see a poor schlep today in his CRV wearing those zebra NFL pants, with uncombed hair, a stones tshirt as he is blasting Kanye. You just know this guys has hit that time in fatherhood when you want to jump off a cliff but knowing you'd just wake up to find it to be a nightmare because I know exactly how he feels

Take on first grade soccer

Coach Righetti. "Good morning Men, welcome to first grade Fùtbol, this will be an intense year where we will seperate the men from the boys"

Sally "coach, half of us a girls?"

Coach. "Never admit that out loud you sally. Now, our first rule will be that this game is referred to by only one name, fùtbol, if you refer to it as anything else you are a sham and you can take your pink cleats and go join the ballet.
The second rule is that you will refer to me as "sir" or "coach sir". Anything else will result in 25 deep squats. Am I clear?

Team "Yes sir"

Coach. "Good. Now, I want to warn you that this is not some lame participation league where kids get a trophy for picking daisies. We are here for one thing and one thing only...to win. Anything less is unacceptable and will not be tolerated out of you fairies"

Jane. "So we don't get a trophy?"

Coach. "You are a bright one, We will push you harder than you've ever been pushed, you will run more than you ever have before and you will not stop until your body gives out. Somebody once said it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, that somebody was a loser.

Billy. But my dad says that the game should be fun "

Coach "I don't know if you have ever lost but it sucks, there are no smiles on the losers sideline, no jokes, no fun. If you want to get a trophy for playing then go play tag or dolls because that is not this. We will make you into a lean, mean soccer machine"

Mandy " I thought it was Fùtbol?"

Coach. "Drop down and give me 50 push-ups and none of those girly push-ups with your knees on the ground and your ass way up on the air.
Now, where were we? Yes the goal is winning, and the way we win is to outwork, out-hustle, out practice and out-smart the opponent. Sadly you guys don't look like a real bunch of athletes but we'll change that. First we will do 10 wind-sprints, then 50 push-ups, 100 crunches and 50 deep knee bends, the one who finishes last can take their cleats and trade them in for ballet slippers because obviously this is not for you"

Joey. "Wait I thought this was chess club"

Coach. "Get out of here you pansy, The goal is to kick a ball into a goal and beat the opponent which serves as a great analogy for life, winners beat losers and unless you want to be a loser, you better figure out how to win.
Anybody shows up in jeans or pants can go right over to OfficeMax and get a job there because you have no future."

Debra. "Will we all get to play in the game?"

Coach. "No this is the real world you communist, we play to win and only our best players will play in the game.. If you want to play at your skill level join the town rec league"

Curtis. I thought this was the town rec league?"

Coach: "time for you to go back and sit on mommy's lap mama's boy"

Betsy "can I get some water"

Coach "We do not believe in piss breaks or water breaks, hydration will be a reward for hard work not an excuse to avoid it. If you want to play with your water bottles I suggest you go to the splash park and leave space on this team for kids with heart..now bring it in"

Take on 9/11

Today we bow our heads, bow them for those who have lost their lives but know that they will never be forgotten and nobody has left a bigger impression on us than one Johnathan Southworth Ritter, the original king of comedy..   He made us laugh, he made us cry, he made us forget that being a homosexual was supposed to be frowned upon but he always made us smile.   Living with two women who pranced around in tight shirts and short shorts could not have been easy for young Jack as he tried to keep it in (his pants) but somehow he always made the best of it even if that meant breaking up the original threesome for a different –slightly worse- threesome and then breaking up that group for an even worse combination.   Because nothing was more brilliant than Jack and Janet and Christmas Snow and the Ropers and the Larry all drinking at the Regal Beagle.. Christ that was fun

We'll never forget buddy..