Take on the crazies

Although TOR has been trying to avoid top much political commentary, after yesterday's primaries and basically on the eve of super-Tuesday it was time to rev up the engines

I spent some time watching all the republican candidates campaigning last night including seeing Ron Paul sitting in front of some fake fireplace in what looked like his father's suit (or at least Rand's).   A few hours before that, at a campaign event he brought the crowd to it's feet (or at least woke them up) with his harsh criticisoff aging that in 99 years of the Fed, the dollar ha lost 99% of its value.    I guess if nothing else he stayed consistent on the campaign strategy of 2011-2012 which is to invoke as many 9's in any political sound-bit as possible

Obviously nobody except those wearing tin-hats actually expect Paul to win the nomination do covering him seems like an obligation the news-organizations do because the anchors don't visit their crazy old uncles in their hospices enough.  

I would spend some energy on Newt but really who cares

Well then you have the two heavyweights.. This is Ali-Frazier, Lang-Balboa, Giant-Hogan.     (at least for this news cycle before Palin jumps in).    Mitt Romney who has literally been running for president for the last 6 years is still the favorite even if nobody is happy about it.    If he wins tr nomination it will be like multiplying McCain and Dole for the republican base... But unlike mathematics in this case a negative times a negative actually yields a bigger negative.    The right doesn't trust him, his daughter ha a huge forehead, his wife is a prissy and he's got as much personality as a cardboard cuttout.  There is no way the crazies come out to support this guy, they will instead spend time building mail order bombs in their cottages deep in the mountains.     I am convinced the hard right prefers Obama over Romney.   At least Obama gives them a target, an enemy (who gives in to them all the time by the way).

Then we are left with Rick Santorum.    I guess you can't count this dude out even of this editorial page did about 5 months ago.    One thing that is impressive is that over the last half-year he has steadily moved closer to the middle (literally not figuratively) of the debate.   In the first few months he was located deep stage right.  Honestly there were debates where I think he stood behind the curtain.    I am convinced h could have had a stroke and John King wouldn't have as much as paused and now he's the media darling

The big problem with Santorum is that he is crazy.   I am talking certifiably crazy... This dude doesn't defend basic human  rights, he thinks women should stay home cooking coup, he believes the Earth is 3000 years old, he homeschools his kids.   Do you realize how crazy that is!!!   Homeschooling is like child-abuse pt parent abuse of both.   You have to be nuts to decide that having your kids around you for 24 hours is a good idea, I have a daughter and I love her dearly but that doesn't mean that I should teach her geometry, chemistry or god-forbid English   People who home-school are the same crazies who believe humans and dinosaurs walked the earth together, how the hell can the leader f the free-world believe in Fred Flintstone?? 

Sent from my iPhone

take on the Dutch businessman

A buddy of mine had a meeting with a Dutchman today, so as part of his prep he asked me if there was anything specific I could tell him about the Dutch (anecdotes, customs, cultural references, soccer team etc.).      now asking me to comment critically on the Dutch is like asking Kobe Bryant to comment on the Lakers which means you are going to get a mouthful..

I came up with the following

My guess is that the dude will show up wearing white pants, a pink shirt and a green tie.   You'll think 'clown' and he'll think 'fashion model'

he'll say "ughh" and "aahh" a lot

 he'll probably be as tall as you are (my buddy is 6'4")

 he'll probably be as slim as Zed is (other buddy weighs 98 pounds)

 he'll probably be as blunt as Righetti is (for obvious reasons)

 he'll probably (not) be as smart as Zeke is  (the Dutch have never been confused with the greatest thinkers)

 Then I warned him that he may very well smell since they don't shower every day, he'll have no problem having a beer at lunch, he'll act pretentious (because he is), he'll vacation 6-8 weeks per year and not think anything of it and he'll have no issue cutting off an old lady to grab a seat on the subway. 

I told him that if he wanted to make small-talk that the Dutch soccer team is pretty good, the Dutch airport is fantastic and there are a few Dutch delicacies which are absolutely fantastic but that Dutch people generally like to stick to making fun of others.. 

I then gave him some information about Dutch bathrooms which are quirky at best.   See the Dutch guy's sink at home won't have hot-water so there is absolutely no chance that he's properly washing his hands because the water that comes out of that spout is usually about 1°C which means holding your hands under it for even 3 seconds gives you frostbite.    The other thing is that his toilet will have this ridiculous shelf where you drop your deuce to avoid back-splash but because of it the entire place will reek like the high-heavens.   

In other words.. the guy will probably have smears of crap all over himself..so don't shake his hand or grab his arse and you'll be in great shape.

Taking on the Whole Food Line

I read somewhere that some group of Japanese researchers showed up at
a Whole Foods to learn about the efficiency of their check out
process. I was standing at the WF at Columba Circle today and was
wondering WTF are those wacky scientists talking about, this line is
taking for f'n ever and for a store which prides (and prices) itself
on it's pleasant shopping experience I found it completely irritating
Not only did the line crawl but with their fancy color bars and
constant announcements I felt like I was standing at Port Authority
So safe me the fancy checkout process and instead mark down the price
of organic blueberries because those things are a total ripoff

Take on the Chili Cookoff

For the last 5 or 6 years, I have been invited to the annual NYC
Oklahoma State chili completion, a friendly yet surprisingly
competitive cookoff between a bunch of Southerners in a will of wits,
lard and spice. Well to imply it's all meat craving Southerners
isn't fair since in the last few years a vegetarian chili has won, a
chili made by a Jewish girl from Long Island took top billing one year
plus any number of East Village chilies do well each year
The event is a fun glutinous filled day with more ground meat, sour
cream, beans and fritos than any group of people should consume.
Part of the fun are the names people give their chili including
classics like 'walk the line', 'corn-meal suprise', 'Wilfredo' and
'spanglish' but at the end is all about flavor.

The issue with me is that I have set up a competition within the
competition where I try to put down as many bowls of he hottest chili
of the day in a test of will, strength and intestinal fortitude
(literally). This years winner or hottest chili was some
concoction called Kim Jong Chili which probably took last place not
because it lacked flavor but rather because you could see the
hot/sauce burn a hole into the serving cup. People just looked at
this chili and past because staring into it was like looking directly
at the sun, I saw an Indian girl's eyebrows burn off because she wiped
her brow. We've been told that styrofoam will stay in a landfill for
30,000 years before disintergrading but that is only because it has
never met Kim Jong Chili before.

Well as the winners of the first competition or best chili were
announced, the masses got the ability to grab themselves heaping bowls
of their favorites and this is when the real competition starts.
Anybody can make a chili that tastes good in a spoon with complex
flavor/, interesting meat choices or the ability to hot every quadrant
of the tongue but I have always thought the better test was how many
people went back to each chili after they voted.

Well I tell you, Kim Jong Chili may not have won any spots in people's
hearts but it surely burned some holes in their stomachs from that
initial taste test because some nobody seemed brave/dumb enough for
seconds........nobody but yours-truly. I went back for four helping
so this Nuclear North Korean Option. Within 10 minutes it looked
like I was at a wedding as I was down to my undershirt with sweat
dripping down my face. I walked back into the bathroom at one point
after I accidentally wiped my face and rubbed a chili pepper into my
eye which was actually fairly pleasant compared to the jumping jacks
my small intestine was doing... Two hours later while jogging to burn
the meat out of my system, I spit up on the sidewalk and I see the
concrete just give in and collapse. I drank a carton of milk and
spent three hours tossing and turning hoping the pain would go away
and just thinking how much I am looking forward to next years
competition

Take on the lack of time stamp

With all the progress we have made in technology I can't fathom why my
IPhone doesn't automatically time-stamp every message I receive. I
can't figure it out but the decision to time stamp messages seems to
be done completely haphazardly which makes it incredibly difficult to
be able to use efficiently
Today a friend came to visit us and I told her to text me when she was
crossing into Siberiklyn so we could meet her at the train stop.
Well I check my phone and see the 'crossing the bridges' text but
without a time stamp making it impossible to figure out what time I
should leave

Long story short she stood on a street corner for 15 minutes out in
the miss of nowhere while I was dilly dallying
SLIA

take on the google glasses

Leave it to those wacky guys at Google to come up with the next great distraction.   First they build the best search engine, then they seamlessly build that into Gmail, they then buy YouTube, build the Android platform and seem to add another thing on their Google labs page every day.

But when I read about these Google glasses, I thought that we're really in trouble.  it's like I woke up one morning and not only am I seeing grey in my beard but I realize that I'm in the future...not only will these things have Terminator like quality giving the glass wearers to use the GPS features within the glasses to orient themselves and eventually the ability to use facial recognition to search everything you can about a certain person within seconds.    The other 'great' use for these things is going to be for gamers who now may never have to leave their virtual worlds behind although you can just see the liability here.   I can already see buddies barreling down the mass-pike at 100 miles per hour while simultaneously fighting warlords or terrorists in a far-away land (or a far away server) and before they get an ax to the head they run into the divider on the Charlestown bridge.

Please Google…save these guys from themselves

take on Dutch Fashion

Leave it to the Dirty Dutch™, to invent something that I didn't realize I ever needed.    The Dutch have never been confused with the fashion forward French or Italians, usually completely content looking like they dressed completely in the dark.  There is nothing about Dutch fashion which makes any sense as they have almost perfected the not-matching look.    Walk around Holland for a day and you'll see an attack on style, sensibility and color coordination..  It's not atypical to see a Dutchmen wearing a purple shirt with a pink blazer and green jean or a blue shirt with white pants and green shoes, it's as if they're competing for the circus.

But I guess you have to give them credit for just not giving a crap..  today I saw an article about a Dutch company who decided to introduce a pair of jeans with a built in keyboard..  I know that there are a ton of times in my life when I feel like I need to type something and feel that doing so directly onto my legs is the best way to do this..   

But what really gets me is that in the US, people are worried about keeping their cell-phones in their front pockets fearing that the radio waves will fry the swimmers…The difference is that in Holland where men sit cross-legged, wearing bikini briefs under  jeans so tight it looks like they were painted on, obviously sperm count isn't a real concern.    The positive thing I guess with this newest invention -which I assume is using some kind of blue-tooth technology- is that it may act as some kind of method of self-inflicted natural-selection for the fashion backwards   

Take on DSK

When I clicked over to CNN.com earlier this week and saw that Dominique Strauss-Kahn was back in the news.  This time the former IMF chief was in jail for a few days over an alleged prostitution ring.     Going through the story there was one thing that really got me

His attorneys' statement called the allegations against Strauss-Kahn "unhealthy, sensationalist and not without a political agenda."

In a December interview with radio station Europe1, Strauss-Kahn attorney Henri Le Clerc acknowledged his client attended such sex parties but said Strauss-Kahn was unaware the women in attendance were prostitutes."I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute from a 'woman of the world' who is naked," he told the station.

 

Now I obviously don't know the full story here but when you are a married man and your lawyer is challenging somebody to distinguish the difference between a naked hooker and a naked non-hooker than you are in real trouble.    Then again Mrs Strauss-Kahn hasn't shown to have much of a backbone when it comes to addressing her husband's infidelity, one of the defenses which started to leak out of  the alleged rape in the hotel was that the sex was consensual.    I guess there are relationships out there which are open but you have to think that when those open relationships come out in the real open, it can't be good for your marriage.

Take on the weird plug thing

I have been on 4 continents, 40 countries and 16 time zones but I
still have no idea which place uses the plug which includes the thick
middle plastic one. Whether you go to China, Egypt, Belize or
Romania you get away with either the US connector or the European one
but when you get your hands on one of those universal one there are
two connectors which seem like they would be used by aliens. I
honestly have no idea who is using this thing but have to think it's
being uses only by places like New Guinea or Zimbabwe and honestly if
you want to attract ANY tourism the first thing you may want to think
about is getting a normal outlet.

Take on the TV in cabs

There is nothing more irritating than getting into a NYC cab to be
blasted by the noise of those TV's they installed a few years ago.
Not only are their volumes always set on 10 but how many times can you
see the same Jimmy Fallon clip? They rotate through the same
content constantly, the GPS enabled map is less accurate than the
ones that comes in an IPhone and the combo of the cabbies reckless
driving and trying to read one of the stories from WABC or ESPN NY
will make you want to puke like you are a teenager coming out of those
WestSide clubs

Take on the blown tire

I have flown nearly a half a million miles in the last decade but
never before have inexperienced a blown-tire. As we taxi from the
terminal, our pilot announced that we were ready for take-off.
Knowing the airport well enough, I knew that meant one or two more
turns and then we'd be barreling down the runway at 100 miles per
hour.

So now we sit on the runway like I'm sitting on the shoulder of I80
except something tells me this is not a case where the pilot lays on
his back, finds the little cut-out in the frame and cranks up the
plane to pop on the spare allowing us to be off in a NASCAR minute

MLIA

Taking on the bad pun

When I woke up at 8:45 in Belgium today and surfed over to ESPN.com I
wasn't the least bit surprised to see the leading headline screaming
something using some kind of juvenile pun on Jeremy Lin's name. For
two weeks te world's been trying to outdo each other with things like
'linsanity', 'LINderella man', 'vaLINtines day' etc but in the
competition for most tone-death pun I think that ESPN won (or lost
depending on how you see it).
The headline, after the Knicks finally lost following a 7 game win
streak, said "chink on the armor". Now I have to believe that the
writer of this headline wasn't intentionally going with a racially
derogatory charged theme but when I read it that is exactly what i
read.

I have to imagine that ESPN will pull this headline before most of the
loyal East Coast TOR readers are up, but can somebody please keep a
tab to see how long it lasts? (it's now 9:15 in Europe or 3:15am in
New York

Just imagine the outrage if he were Black

Take on the politically incorrect collection plate

I walked into an office today and noticed a number of collection tins
sitting on the counter. Now although I have some issues with this
kind of charity (see My Blue Heaven), I do see it as altruistic.
I have noticed how little money these thing seem to collect but again
they are generally harmless. That is except when you add an Israeli
lack of filter -which can only be matched by a Dutch lack of filter-to
what is essentially a good cause....
The can clearly states "for retarded children" which of course is a
very worthy charitable cause but not exactly theist politically
correct way of stating it. No wonder the can was nearly empty

Take on the best feature on iOS5

When I downloaded the iOS5 a few weeks ago, I was pretty excited to
play with some of the new features. The iMessage thing is cool and
finally offers an answer to BBM, the caddy thing that shows new
messages scrolling over the top is cool. The feature which allows you
to use the volume button to take a picture instead of having to press
a virtual button is ingenious and although I don't have Siri since I
downloaded it on an IPhone 4, I can't imagine it's a better additional
feature than the new button on the virtual keypad
I swear the .com button is the kind of invention which seems so
ridiculously obvious but makes live so much better. It just makes so
much sense because I don't care how many .us or .co websites there
are, ever website I go to ends in .com. I am all about efficiency
and the 2 seconds it takes to type those four characters replaced by
one keystroke may only save me 30 seconds per day but those are 30
more seconds to gawk at chicks at wwtdd.com
Now they need to add the same feature to the keyboard for all
application because today you will only get it when you are in the
website address bar but is not an option on the keyboard when typing
an email or in the apple notepad.

Take on the head rest

I'm not sure when it happened but at some point we moved backwards in
terms of technology. A few years ago you'd step onto an airplane and
know that as uncomfortable as you might be, at least there was a
chance your neck wouldn't feel like somebody took a hammer to it.
This was because of these bendable head rest wings that the airlines
started adding to seats. These things were a marvel of science
cause they would flare out and could be mauled and manipulated so that
you'd have something to rest your head against. I was convinced these
would be on all planes in a few years because it was such ingenious
technology but the last few flights I've noticed that they are nowhere
to be found.
I am sure it is all about cost cutting as airlines continue to find
ways to bring down costs to boost revenue but this was a very small
thing that made a big difference I doubt they've ripped them out of
existing planes so maybe i am just unlucky but I have no doubt they
are not actively installing new ones either. At some point airlines
have to realize that we don't care about the food or the movie, we
just don't want to walk out feeling like we just wrestled against
Mount Fuji

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the cancelled flight

Color me more than a bit surprised when I arrive in Prague for a
connection to Bucharest and did not see my connection on the departure
boards. I walk over to the transfer desk and the two lovely Czech
girls working the desk and before I open my mouth they start to giggle
like I just walked over with my zipper down. they then proceed to
tell me that there is no flight to Bucharest this morning This is
not a cancellation but a flight which does not exist Apparently
during the winter months they cancel the morning flight which seems
sensible except for the fact that I booked it less than a month ago in
the heart of the winter months. Delta never contacted me and even
when I checked in at JFK 8 hours ago made no mention of it so now I
sit waiting for a night flight which quite honestly I have no faith
will ever actually leave

Take on basic math

When I called AT&T to add an international data plan this morning I
wasn't expecting that I had signed up to give an 8 grade math lesson.
While discussing a couple of plan options including one for $25
which got you 50 megs of $50 for 125 megs it became very clear that
this dude had no clue what he was doing

I asked him how much I'm using on average now to try to determine what
I should choose for the 5 days I'd be away. He said

"on average I would say you are using 420 thousand megabytes per week"

This is wrong on so many levels. Firat of all an average is a real
calculation so there should be no 'I would say' in the statement. The
second issue is the fact he said 420 thousand megabytes which would
mean 420 gigs order space that I have on my external hard drive. The
problem is that when you ask a guy who works in the data division of a
multinational company, you expect him to know there is a pretty big
difference if you just add 'thousand' to a number So not only are
his numbers are dead wrong even if we excuse him for added thousand
behind 'megs' they don't even add up. I ask him what I used last
month and he said less than a gig. So how could I use 'on average'
420 mega if for an entire month I didn't get to 1000 megs? This
question was lost upon our customer service rep who couldn't explain
how he got to his 420 number and worse yet couldn't even grasp the
concept behind his error

Take on the broken screen

Walking out of Guns N Roses I made the conscious decision to save the
$50 it would cost me to can it home and instead did what I always
do,... Jump on the subway. It was 3AM, I was exhausted but still by
cheapness beat out my desire for sleep which really is a battle like
the Globetrotters vs the Generals because one side ALWAYS wins.
All was well till I reached into my pocket to get my wallet and
accidentally pulled out my phone dropping it on the floor o the subway
platform. Luckily the phone stayed on the platform and not upon the
rat infested tracks but when I picked it up it was completely
shattered. I tried using it for a few minutes but immediately knew
that there was no way to really make this work since I need my phone
for work and everytime I looks at the screen I felt like I had beer
goggles on.
Anyway 10 hours later I drop the phone off at some dude's house who
throws on a new screen which he probably paid $3 for in bulk and
handed him $80 cash and all of a sudden that $50 can ride seemed like
a great investment

Take on GNR

For 3 hours I was transported back to the music of my youth, where
nothing mattered but Rock N Roll and nobody cared about anything but
the music. Guns N Roses played Roseland which in 1988 would have
been a wet dream and in 2012 was more like a midnight trip to the
john. When you closed your eyes in the packed auditorium filled
with 3000 guys in their mid 30's, you could take yourself back to when
it all meant so little cause Axl's voice is still the same even if his
silhouette isn't. Slash and Izzy and Duff have been replaced by a
bunch of dudes who have fantastic chops and the melodic solos could
easily be confused for the old masters but without the big top-hat
sitting on-top of the long black hair there is always something
missing.
They played almost 3 hours and banged through all the classics opening
up with Welcome to the Jungle and Mr Brownstone and closing with
Nighttrain and Paradise City and honestly it sounded genuine. I
probably could have done without the four or five tracks off of
Chinese Democracy and to this day I don't care for the movie songs
(Live or Let Die and You Could be Mine) but when Axl sits at a grand
piano to play November Rain or they do an all acoustic Patience it
just feels so right even if the lighters have all been replaced by
iPhones.
The highlight past Axl's ability to still command the room are the
three guitarists who duel for lead guitar supremacy throughout the
night which actually probably proves how incredible Slash was as he
handled all those lead guitar duties alone.
But the most striking part is that the age and waistline of the
audience have mirrors Axl's trajectory. Gone are the ripped jeans
and flashing chicks in the audience and in it's place stands an
incredibly civil crowd with most people keeping a fair distance and no
mosh pits or successfully crowd/surfing. The civility was actually
pleasant because after standing on my feet on concrete for 4 hours, I
would much prefer a leg rub to just about anything else. But all in
all it was a rocking good show, it could have been an hour shorter
since nobody except Axl cares about anything Chinese other than
Jeremy Lin but honestly it was probably the best show I've seen in
decades.

The only thing I am left with is......where the hell is BucketHead

take on the little lin

Sometimes you get an athlete who seems to transcend the sport.   Sometimes it's based purely on skill, other times it's because of an overwhelming personality and sometimes it's a cult of personality that wins over the fans.    Jeremy Lin, the new Knick point-guard out of Harvard who averaged about 15 points per game in High School has set the NBA on fire and in a sport dominated by stars named Kobe, LeBron, Christmas Paul and Rose.    You usually get a guy who blows up the universe like this once per decade but in the last 5 months we've had Tebowner and now the little Taiwanese dingy. 

Now I can't tell you if he's going to be able to keep it up but I do know that it doesn't matter..  Lin has picked up where Yao Ming left off.  Virtually overnight he went from some scrub sleeping on his brother's couch to a guy who has an entire continent on his shoulders…while still sleeping on his brother's couch.

I have yet to actually see him play but when a guy can show up with the body mass of a runway model, a haircut that looks like it was given on a runaway train and a jump-shot which looks worse than most runaway kid's from a school for delinquents, I'm interested.    It often looks more likely than he'll break his own ankle than break the ankles of an opposing point guard but for a scrawny kid, he's shown up some of the most highly regarded point guards in this league already..  I bet he's got 10,000,000 votes for the All-Star game already..most of which can be originated from some cell up on  124^th street