Take on the guy in his pajamas at 4am

I get that at some point, people just give up. How many times can they pretend that they see Rudolph in the distance, how many clever spots can they find to his the Elf of the Shelf and how many stocking stuffers can they come up with but that doesn't give them the right to look like a tool. Nothing is more doochy than showing up at a Christmas tree place than the guy who is dressed in his looks like green pajamas at 4pm. We get it dude, you're too cool for this thing and you want to show the world that you don't care but the rest of us want a little holiday spirit when we dropping $75 on a Douglas Fir that will last two weeks and spread pine needles like the girls at Rutgers spread the Clap.

So put your on a stupid Santa hat, drink some eggnog and go get a foot massage and a BJ from the foot massage place up the street

Ho Ho fucking Ho

Take on Rudy

On 9/12/01, there was no more popular man in the world than one Rudolph Giuliani. He showed courage, strength, resolve and leadership and the world watched in awe as he give us the confidence to rebuild. Yeah, his history with police brutality was a bit much, the fact he was on his way to his third wife while married to his second didn't sit real well and that lisp was annoying but he was our mayor, he was America's mayor and the world was his oyster
The problem was that he kept reading his own press clippings and thought that because people liked him as a mayor, they'd want him as more when really they didn't. Rudy is that weird uncle with the rotten breath who hugs his nieces a bit too long. When he's putting away bad guys or at minimum stopping them from trying to wash your windshield with a dirty newspaper, you love him. But when he wants to come for dinner and talk about himself you come up with an excuse why you are busy.

Well Donald came up with an excuse. Who knows what it was but it probably started here and ended there and went up down and around and at the end Rudy and Newt and Big Chris and Corey and Hope are all hanging out telling war stories of when Trump shoved Jeb! in his locker all fully aware that that locker could have easily had their name written on it...cause they all know it does

Take on the Prudential ad

There is a big prudential billboard on 42nd street which you see as your bus crawls into the abyss that is Port Authority. You have plenty of time to stare at it because the traffic moves so slowly that you can literally see people walk fatale than your bus is traveling, so you have a lot of time to look out the window as you dread the rest of your commute, the continuation of your day and the rest of your miserable life.

One sign catches your attention, a sign for Prudential apparently advertising their retirement packages but the sign reads "we spend more time matching socks than planning for retirement". I get that the "we" in this sentence is supposed to be "you" the reader but the cynic reads the "we" as in Prudential which is really not all that comforting a thought if you task them with your life savings.

Might want to bring that back to Don at creative for some rework.

Take on Linda McMahon

The state of Connecticut wants interested in electing her, so maybe she can serve the country as a whole instead.  Linda McMahon was tapped by Trump to lead the Small Business Administration which is a role which I've never even heard of which, I guess, makes her perfectly qualified.

I mean this woman has led a bunch of steroid driven frat boys to beat each other like they are at a Bills Game so why not put her in charge of a major organization??
But this isn't what bothers me about her.  What bothers me is that she has a terrible haircut which looks like she was sunbathing on the lawn and Vince came by with a lawnmower.   She looks like Suzy Orman's twin sister, if that sister had gotten hit across the head with a folding chair. http://apps.suzeorman.com/photolibrary/lendmoney_suze.jpg

Plus she has a weird looking eye

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Take on the Trump Dream Team

Retired Lieutenant Michael Flynn will likely become Trump's National Security Advisor which is about as reassuring as putting Swiper the Fox in charge of rationing. Flynn might be decorated for his service, but what he sees "news" as plain wall decoration. Throw as much propaganda at the wall and hope some of it sticks. For all the valor and smarts that Mattis would bring, Flynn would bring the opposite. I do not intend on knocking every Trump nomination, just the ridiculous ones like the rumored Palin one or the out of place ones like Carson for HUD. I'd be fine with Huntsman or his alter ego Romney at State, I'd be less interested in John Bolton although maybe his brother Michael wouldn't be terrible. I like Mattis as head of the pentagon, Priebus as Chief of Staff seems harmless although Bannon is a wackadoodle. I'm not thrilled with the two Trump boys being involved as they are just dumb horny frat boys. Ivanka might be ok as she seems somewhat sensible but she'll bring nothing but conflict and Kushner is at least bright although probably is right of Netanyahu on Israel. Wilbur Ross might be ok as commerce secretary although I assume he looks like Wilfred Brimley who coincidently is another Latter Day Saint. Betsy DeVos is a lunatic, Nikki Halley kind of reminds me of Nikki Cox in a good way. I can't figure out how to pronounce the Mnuchin guy's name but it looks phonetically like a crappy town in Jersey. Jeff Sessions is an awful human and is such a hick he makes Jeff Foxworthy seem like a metrosexual. Mike Pompeo seems like the kind of guy you get stuck next to at a dinner party and you constantly hope your phone rings so you can pretend it's somebody calling to say that a bus drove over your cat.
I know nothing about Elaine Chow other than she probably shoves a gag-ball in Mitch McConnell mouth as she stands over him wearing crotchless panties and carrying a whip, an image which is now burned into your brain forever.
There is a guy in charge of health who I know nothing about, I'm sure he's fine..or not (update, he's crazy)


Maybe he can put Al Gore on cyber security

Take on the Carson pick

Donald Trump said he will nominate Ben Carson to head HUD which somehow makes him the least qualified nominee of the. Ew administration which is saying a lot since he is rumored to be considering Sarah Palin to head the VA. Ben Carson seems like a wise choice if you need somebody to operate on an infants brain or if you need a guy to speak very softly to you, he would be the man but if you needed a guy to lead a giant government agency, maybe a guy with no formal leadership experience isn't the best bet. Land even I you did, maybe tasking a guy with experience in housing development might be an option, but then again that doesn't seem like the kind of person TeflonDon could find in his circle.

Oh well, there is always General Flynn who is maybe more qualified but a lot more dangerous.

Take on the Trump-SNL feud

Everybody agrees that our president elect is a thin skinned man, one who sees every perceived slight as a personal insult needed to be addressed. Whether it is Rosie or The New York Times, he goes on a complete rampage whenever there is even a small criticism. But nothing is more bizarre than his anger towards Saturday Night Live, an NBC franchise which has lived through, and critiqued presidents from Ford to Bush and from Reagan to Obama. But our President-Elect just won't stand for it and has been going on total twitter rampages attacking Alec Baldwin's impression and of course the Lame Stream Media is up in arms.
But nobody seems to remember that Trump has a long relationship with NBC and Universal and it wouldn't shock me if this 'feud' is completely fabricated to help the failing Saturday Night Live get some traction in a post Jon Stewart world. Every complaint he makes, creates stories about the show and rushes hundreds of thousands of people to watch the clips on YouTube. Something tells me this war is anything but...

Take on the third party

I'm not 100% sure what Jill Stein stands for but I'm pretty sure it's mostly Jill Stein. Maybe they Green Party stands for going green with wind turbines and recycling programs. Or maybe it's all about Mary Jane, but either way it is not at all a relevant party. The Libertarians are only slightly better even if their leader couldn't tell Aleppo from Aladdin. Ross Perot was sort of interesting the first time before he got that bumbling old guy who could t hear the questions.
I get that third party candidates have virtually no voice in our national elections which sounds troubling at its face but might not be. The problem is in a representative democracy, if there were three viable candidates, it's entirely possible and very likely that we would have elections where none of the candidates get 270 electoral votes. In this case the House of Representatives gets to choose the next president with each of the fifty states having a single vote for the top three candidates in terms of electoral votes. As much as our 'democracy' feels like a sham now, imagine that. Each state has he exact same weight and a bunch of lunatic politicians not talented enough to become senators get to choose for us, Jesus kill me.

Maybe get rid of the electoral college but with three or more candidates you will never get any of them to get a majority of voters, so your president will be representing a vote of around 40% which means that 60% of the electorate wouldn't have wanted her. So that kind of sucks, too. You wind up getting these sloppy behind the scenes coalitions with backhanded deals and cronyism at best and no government at all at worse, which might not be that bad.


So until we are ready to rip up the constitution and come up with a completely different method of voting for president, I'm not sure they really need a platform, cause in theory it sounds enticing but in practice it sounds like they will bring more mess than they are worth

Take on the Trump Tie thing

We've been wondering about Trump's ties for a while, first of all, he wears them way too long (https://elytsbiz.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/trump-h.jpg)  usually having the thing hang between his legs probably overcome his shortness in other places.   It's also weird how he never buttons his jacket which makes him look a lot more sloppy than a guy who is always in a suit is supposed to look.    The last thing is that apparently Trump scotch tapes his tie together because he ties it so low that the skinny piece doesn't fit into the little loop thing.  My theory is that he thinks he is taller than he actually is, so he ties his tie way too long which is why it dangles like it does and why he needs to tape it together

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Take on the crazies

A buddy of mine shared a Facebook post about a bunch of love starved crazies who were the craziest of the ProLifers I've ever seen. These hard-up chicks were protesting that ejaculation is murder which is about as insane as a group of hard up chicks can get. This is the kind of thing which turns even the most ardent defenders against your cause and Jill's any chance of you ever having a date

Take on Palin

Donald Trump has told us time and time again that the veterans affairs department is a complete disaster and a disgrace to the veterans who who will tell you only he seems to care about.  Well except if they are captured during war time and spend any time as a POW, then he doesn't very much care for you.   But what better way to fix a troubled department than by putting the hocky Lame Stream Media fighting, rhyme spouting hockey mom in charge.  This is a woman who put an airplane on eBay, this is a woman who could see Putin from her bedroom window, this is a woman who couldn't identify a single newspaper she reads regularly.   This is a woman so incompetent that somehow she went from the highest profile republican to some chick who looks like she smells weird in a matter of months.  

Yes, that is the one we need in charge of anything.  

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Take on the dinner date

Another day, another Trump story.   This time it revolved around Trump and Mitt Romney going out on a chaperoned date at Jean Georges restaurant on Central Park South.   Reporters were claiming t be interested in the geopolitical views of the last two GOP nominees and whether they could put aside their differences (read Mitt could grovel enough to have Trump accept his apology) but really there were only a few questions anybody had

- who paid for dinner?

- why does Mitt look like he just saw the devil in person?

- why does Donny smile like he is the devil in person?

- what did they order?   

- did Don get his steak well done or well well done?

- did Mitt wait for Don to order and then order something slightly cheaper on the menu?   This is assuming that he thought Don was treating

- did Reince leave the two lovebirds alone for a little one-on-one time?

- did they compare the sizes of their "portfolios"?

- did the two of them go for pizza after spending $150 for a prefix menu that was a collection of snails and quail eggs?

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Take on Kellyann Conway

Kellyann Conway is one of the reasons we will have Donald Trump as Presidente in a few short weeks as she was one of the few people who were able to corral him and keep him on message.  She was a fierce defender and loyalist (after she was originally a big Ted Cruz Anti Trumpette) but recently has gone rogue with her criticism of the possible choice of Mitt Romney as Secretary of State. 

I guess she needed to quell the notion that there was some kind of rift between her at the PEOTUS, so she tweeted out a picture of her and Trump staring at a MacBook like two teenage kids staring at porn. 

This photo is odd in a few ways

- Trump always claims to have never used a computer while this photo certainly implies he is using one, although it does kind of look like a 70 year old grandmother trying to figure out the new iOS

- he apparently has gotten rid of his MAGA hats and replaced them with big ugly USA hats.  Gotta say the guy is consistent in his choice of head wear

- Kellyann always has that look on her face like somebody farted near her but because she's had so much Botox, she can't quite make the "something stinks" face.  I'd hate to not be able to make that face

- the tableau is interesting in that it is almost completely devoid of the color blue.  Between Conway's red suit, Trump's red tie, that ugly red hat and those two mahogany boxes upon the burnt orange table it looks like the inside of Donna Brazile's own personal hell.  

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Take on the rigged election

It was only a matter of time but somebody was able to get under TeflonDon's skin with the entire recount thing.  Granted, this is just the democrats being sore losers as there is nobody who believes there is any large scale voter fraud that would have turned this election.  But it's also hypocritical for them to call for a recount now after chiding Trump about his "rigged" calls before the election.  I get that there were some possible abnormalities in some counties in Wisconsin but that doesn't explain Pennsylvania or Michigan or Florida or Ohio or any other place where she lost.  

Of course now Trump has gotten his panties in a bunch and went on a twitter rant about how the Stein/Hillary call for a recount is crap and just sour grapes especially because there were millions of illegal immigrants who voted for Hillary giving her a rigged popular vote lead.  

At this point I'm just hoping to open my eyes and it's 2020 and I still have my house, my family and all my rights. 

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Take on Dump Tower

Google Maps made a funny (https://www.google.com/maps/place/700+5th+Ave,+New+York,+NY+10019/@40.7629446,-73.9737682,16z/data=!4m6!1m3!3m2!1s0x89c258fa88f07795:0x79ef561d8ac4097c!2sMidtown+East,+New+York,+NY+10022!3m1!1s0x89c258fa4b9f7e39:0x95a1f7b4449c7fe6) and we for one appreciate a little comedy in this year of tragedy for the liberals

First Hillary loses, then Fidel dies and there are rumors that Bernie Sanders is really old, so this has not been a good month.   Even Trump has not had an easy month, first he got a job he never wanted, then a bunch of buildings on the West Side Dumped Trump and now The Dump has come to his own house.   See when somebody hacks the Big Bad Google and dumps a Dump Tower on us, I, for one, can appreciate it.   This is the thing, Trump will be president in two months and now that Google made a joke at his expense, he will unleash a mount of fury at them not seen like Rosie's toilet after a bout of bad Mexican. 

Sometimes laughter is the only thing keeping you from crying 

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Take on Jill Stein's Money

Jill Stein got about as many votes as Harambe yet somehow the left now trusts her to hold the fate of our country in her menopausal hands.   I get that this was going to come up and I understand that there are vast groups of people who feel a need to check the scoreboard a thousand times but somehow nobody could have wanted Jill Stein to run this thing.  First of all, she's about as equipped at running anything as I am, and that should give nobody any confidence. Secondly, today they came up with a statement that said they weren't able to guarantee that the four million dollars that they raised actually will go towards a recount and not just a pizza party and a couple Make America Green Again hats.  

Please just go back to the set of Golden Girls and let us be done with this craziness 

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Take on the Michigan Results

It's been 2+ weeks and right on cue, the Michigan results are in.   It's odd that it takes so long for certain states to count there results which only makes me wonder what would have happened had the results of the election depended on that one state, but I bet it would have been utter chaos with two teams announcing Secretary of State nominations and HUD directors.  The uncertainty of the election would have hung over us like ten dread of having to eat turkey and cranberry sauce.   It's 2016, there is no good reason why we can't get results sent immediately, if it works for American Idol, you can make this work Peter Thiel

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Take on the recount

We spent the last three months rallying against Donald Trump as we believes him to be ill equipped to handle the role he will now take on.  He is temperamental, vindictive, arrogant, misogynistic, erratic yet utterly predictable, crass and unstable not to mention probably not that smart.   But even this editorial board does not want to see a recount, our bed has been made and it's time to lie down in it.   I get that some computer nerds are saying that there are inconsistencies in the electronic ballots which might very well be true but there is no way that this country will stand for another contested outcome. We get that there are people who will scream from their brownstones or Hollywood Hills that they've been robbed but sadly it doesn't matter.   We cannot go through another Gore v Bush thing, we'll have civil war.   My guess is that at the end of the day, she won't find enough mistakes on the ballots to overturn what was widely accepted as an electoral college landslide and even if it does, it will bring the right out with guns blazing (figuratively).  

It's time to move on, it's time to put up and deliver and it's time to stop talking about Hillary, those days are behind us.   It's TeflonDon's job now, no more complaints about Hillary or Obama or Bush, it's time to govern

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Take on the chipotle burrito

There are four things you can expect when you go to Chipotle 

- you are guaranteed to spend $15 even if it says $7 on the menu.  You can't get a burrito and not get guacamole or lettuce or tomatoes and every time you add something the little cash register goes cha-ching

- about fifty minutes after you spend $8 more than you expected you will also run to the bathroom a lot more quickly than expected.   

- you'll get some crazy David Blaine type magic happened because somehow you can eat a 1/2 pound burrito and shit out a two pound taco bowl which is beyond me.   And somehow that 1.5 pound net loss is a 1.5 pound net gain when you get on the scale 

- you can expect that not only will your colon be both cleaned and ripped to shreds, you will also have been lied to in terms of calorie intake since they claim that 1/2 pound burrito is only 300 calories, even if it actually clocks in somewhere north of 1000 calories. 

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Take on the $1 million cost to protect Trump

According to a CNN article today, it will cost NYC in excess of $1 million dollars per day to protect TeflonDon while he's in the city.  The cos isn't surprising as NYC is an incredibly densely populated city and they are keeping blocks around Trump Tower fenced off.   I walked past the building today and saw the impact it must have on the city as a whole and Trump's neighbors and Trump Tower residence in particular.  If you are running a store in the building, you can't be thrilled that nobody can walk anywhere best the entrance of the building.  Then you have the traffic which has slowed to an absolute crawl anywhere near the building and you can see the direct cost and indirect impact colliding. 

But the good news is that he'll be in DC in two short months, a city obviously equipped to handle the security of a president and his family around the clock

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