Take on the democratic debate

Who knew that taking out that stiff O'Malley would allow Bernie and Hillary to take out their stuff. For two hours we watched Hillary try dirty dancing with an unwilling partner and we saw the passion out of an old man trying to send back a bowl of soup.

Here are some comments

- when it comes to anything genuine, Bernie has her beat badly, it's as if they aren't even playing the same game. Bernie believes everything he says and Hillary believes everything she says will get her elected. The two don't mix

- I love the fact that unlike every other candidate who sloshes down Poland Spring after Poland Spring, Bernie is chugging straight black coffee. It's 10:45 and he's got a pot of that gas station quality mud under his lector.

- Hillary on the other hand practically has Rachel Maddow under her lector the entire night

- for all the fireworks we got early, it seemed the old man got a bit tired and Hillary realized it wasn't playing well, so at some point they seemed to be exchanging spots underneath each other's lectors

- you can see the Melanoma growing on Bernie's head, if that isn't king to get him, the fact that he looks like he is about to go into cardiac arrest right on stage. He also looks like he has to pee the entire time, maybe cut back on that black mud a bit??

- when Bernie smiles I half expect his teeth to fall out

- When Hillary smiles I see that carnival game clown

- when it comes to foreign policy, Bernie is lost. It is not the lack of experience that bothers me, it is that he has absolutely no discernible policy or direction. The answer to Russia's land grab cannot be "income inequality", the answer to North Korea cannot be "deregulating the banks" and the answer to Saudi-Iranian feud cannot be Big Oil...well maybe that could have something to do with it

- Bernie makes people who follow Islam sound like they are large deer. I get the Brooklyn accent is part of the charm but come on dude.

- you have to love that Hillary turns over her notes when she goes to take a wee. She treats them more carefully than she does classified information

- The contrast between a seasoned politician and a ideologue is pretty stark and as much as Hillary will fight I think we all believe that voting for her is a vote for the status quo...and that is not a bad thing at all

- glad to see Flint brought up, time for Obama to step in and treat this like the national crisis that it is, it is not his fault but if that were Bush, he would be getting killed for inaction. Time to step up and lead

- there is nothing lamer than the "would you choose him/her as your VP?" God, get over yourself MSNBC. We all know Hilary would take Ed Rendell and Bernie would take a moose

- I hope Chris Matthews and the rest of the MSNBC crew didn't hurt themselves (or each other) trying to get out from underneath Rachel Maddow and Chuck Todd's desk

- never remember candidates giving big hugs to the moderators after a debate before, guess it is like kissing your girlfriend after messing up the sheets

- last note, when the thing ended it was odd to not see Old Bill coming out...wouldn't be shocked if he was stuck under an MSNBC intern's desk

Take on an aging fleet

Whenever I get on a plane, one of the first things I do is try to figure it how old it is and am often shocked how many planes are in US fleets which were built three decades ago. My B737 from Vegas today has that "kept together with tape and gum" feel to it. One of the bathroom doors won't lock, the other one looks like it was patched together from cardboard. The seats don't have headrests or TVs so you are forced to do the communal watching on that little 8 inch jobs that comes down out of the overhead while they play six episodes of the New Adventures of The Big Bang Theory with Friends.

Kill me

Take on Rick "the dick" Santorum

Rick Santorum dropped out of the race today and has said he will endorse Marco Rubio but when he called the Rubio headquarters, he was told by aides that instead of endorsing, maybe he would be interested in making a donation instead.

Rick Santorum basically moved into Iowa over the last year and bragged about spending more time there than any other candidate and spoke often about visiting every one of the 99 counties..

the sad thing is that after all that time he spent, all those miles he drove (probably only using ethanol based gasoline) and all those main debates not invited to, he dropped out after getting only 1738 votes.   there were a record 180,000 people who came out to caucus and Santorum got 0.01% of those votes.    On an average ballot, Donald Duck gets more votes..   Guys like Kasich and Christie who spent about 10 minutes in Iowa got twice the votes he got.. 

anyway, he has dropped out.. so those 1738 people must be pissed because they gave it their all

take on the coin-flip

We will have some further analysis on the caucus system later but this was too good (or bad) to pass up.

Last night a couple hundred thousand Iowans went to some local gym to pledge their undying support for their candidate and then most of them were told that there candidate sucked (O'Malley, Kasich, Big Mike Huck, Santorum etc.) and were told to pledge their undying support for another one..  Campaigns spent hundreds of millions of dollars, news stations spent thousands of hours, I spent dozens of blog posts and at the end of the day.. it came down to a coin flip

Hillary Clinton won five precincts yesterday by calling heads.. somehow in 2016 we don't worry about hanging chads but we do worry about a coin toss..  Even the NFL knows this is an idiotic system for deciding a winner but the ultimate football game is still decided this way??? you gotta be kidding me

there were cases where there were 7 delegates at stake and the two were tied, so they were each awarded 3 and then they flipped a coin for the last one.. this is what we've come down to.. a 50/50 shot with a two-headed hillary coin

we are so screwed

take on Bill de Blasio campaigning in Iowa

I hate how sitting politicians get away with campaigning while they are still holding office because there is just no way that Christie, Kasich, Cruz or Rubio is able to provide the attention that their day jobs require and still run a national campaign.   What bothers me even more is when I see a guy like Bill de Blasio spending time campaigning in Iowa for Hillary Clinton right now..  I'm fine with him spending his weekend doing it, Bloomberg spent every weekend in Bermuda, but when I turn on CNN today and see him still going door-to-door, it starts to reek.. 

I know politics is all about scratching each other's backs but you'd think NYC has enough issues that de Blasio would..you know.. be at work..

My guess is that he'll be back tomorrow, so it's probably only a day or so but still I'd like to know who paid for the flight, the hotels etc.

but the better part of this story was that the Clinton campaign actually rejected the offer for de Blasio to come down and campaign as a surrogate but he came anyway and is just knocking on doors... the problem is that with numerous interview's people in Iowa had no idea who this turd was anyway..

Take on the Iowa Caucus

Well we are finally here, after a dozen debates, two dozen candidates, hundreds of millions of dollars spent and no lives changed, the race for the guy or girl to replace Obama will officially begin tomorrow with something as archaic and idiotic as anything this country can think of...a caucus. Basically a bunch of farmers in Iowa will meet at a middle school gym and, like a middle school dance, they will get split up into different sides of the dance floor. The ones supporting Hillary will line up underneath the basket, the ones who support Bernie will line up. by the bleachers, a bunch of undecideds will line up by the bathroom and the one guy who supports O'Malley will have forgotten the address. Then there is some kind of pre-vote and assuming nobody gets a majority they will keep being forced to mingle until some 7th grade girl and some 8th grade boy will dance to that "I had the time of our lives" song and finally they will get to go home

I am not sure what to expect but since I nailed that ratings thing a few days ago I will go out and predict

For the donkeys
Hillary finishes in first
Bernie finishes in second
O'Malley finishes in last

For the elephants
Cruz wins
Rubio second
Trump third

Oh the horror.

Take on property taxes

Some iFriends were discussing property taxes the other day and although I knew it, it always shocks me to find out how much more we in the Northeast pay than anybody else and the state of New Jersey pays the highest in the Northeast. 

The poll asked which category people fell in with categories like <$2000, $2000-5000, $5000-$10,000, $10,000-$15,000 and $15,000+ 

After seeing the answers were posting the rest of the country came back shocked 

Righetti, on 29 Jan 2016 - 10:07 PM, said:

 

jabarony, on 29 Jan 2016 - 9:07 PM, said:

What the hell do you guys get for $10k+ in taxes? Gilded fire hydrants?

I have no idea, we do get a good school but I imagine there are tons of people on here with a good school paying 1/3 of what we pay. 

Other than that we get garbage pickup, police, (volunteer) fire department, (volunteer) ambulance, a library, snow removal, recycling pickup weekly, a community center and and light on the roads.  Oh yeah we do get a couple of those nice blue recycling bins thrown in. 

I other words, probably exactly what you get for $5000

F me

 

The crazy thing is that although our taxes are the highest in the land, we have some of the worst services statewide. Our roads are a disaster, we have horrible mass transit, we pay $13 to cross a bridge to get to work, our main state thruway smells like sewage, our governor hasn't been in the state for three straight days for month, we lost our basketball team, Sinatra ha been claimed by New York, Bruce Springsteen, our state hero, best song is about getting the F out of the star, we have two football teams who put NY on their helmets, we can't buy a any retail item on Sunday because of antiquated Bergen County blue laws and we pay the highest taxes in the land. 

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Take on the Tumpless debate

So we got to the 7th debate last night which means that we are mere hours from the first bunch of corn farmer a standing in corners at a VFW hall under Rand, Jeb and Trump banners and I have to think that nobody thought we'd be quite here

I watched the entire debate and caught a bunch of Trump's thing on a live YouTube feed, so here we go with winners/losers and Jeb

Winners

Trump.   Yeah he sounded like he was hosting a bingo night at the VFW most of the time as he was listing off donation amounts from random Iowans but people watched because..well he's Trump

John Belushi $1400

John Gotti.   $150,000

John Elis Bush $3.50

But really the fact that he first 25 minutes for the Foxdebate were all questions about Trump tells you that he really is the elephant in a room  of asses

Roger Federer $3000

Roger Ailes  $1

Roger Rabbit $500

But the real reason Trump won was because FoxNews did a very nice job with putting the videos in front of the candidates to answer to and Trump would have been destroyed with that, so by staying away he also avoided he gotcha moment 

Howard Stern $4500

Howard Dean $40

Howard Duck $67

Rand Paul.  Maybe only because he got invited back to the big kid table or because while he was there he actually made sense.  I did not go into this cycle with any affection for little Rand but have warmed to him but still can't fully embrace him.  He is like a hemorrhoid, just when you thought he was dead he comes back and somehow you realized that you missed the little bugger.  

Loved his rant about  how prosecution of petty drug crimes has disproportionally destroys black lives but there was one point at the end when everybody was pulling a Carson where he was asked about Abortion being a state or federal issue where he seemed completely flustered, I have never seen him not come out with such a wishy-washy answer before

Did like the fact he fixed whatever the hell is happening on his head, for the first time it did no look like he a pubic hair Brillo pad on his head. 

Big Chris.   

He got to be Trump for the day, as he is easily the loudest most boisterous one on the stage but when you look like you spilled mustard on your tie it is never going to look presidential 

The thing with Christie is he repeats himself all the time, it's like watching Friends the same jokes get made a hundred times. We get it, you were a US attorney the day after 9/11 (or was it the day before) and you, as a governor, have to get things done and Joey is stupid and Courtney Cox is hot we get it.  He is like Rudy when it comes to content, it's all police and terrorism all the time 

BUT he had some of the best lines of the night including the one about the Clintons having had their last chance at public housing.  He also said "There have been multiple investigations that have proven that I knew nothing" which is probably not far from the truth. 

Megyn Kelly.  She got a lot of airtime leading up to this debate and was rightfully exonerated by anybody with a brain.  Reporters are supposed to be allowed to ask tough questions, or are we in Stalingrad??   Although I think the fact that she opened the first few debate questions with Trump did show that he got the better of her

John McEnroe $677

John McCain. $540

John Mcalaughlin $654

FoxNews.  Tim Russert would have been proud, showing clips of the candidates saying what they said as opposed to just quoting them was fantastic. 

The losers 

Jeb

He was actually kind of good yesterday, but he is just the definition of a loser.  He had a good day just like the kid in the playground when the bully was suspended and he is finally able to hang with his friend but when the bully comes back he will be cowering in the playhouse again just hoping not to get another wedgie. Everybody has seen the real Jeb and that isn't a pretty sight because he has the confidence of a mouse.  Between his campaign and Right to Rise they have spent $50,000,000 so far and he has as much traction as that O'Malley guy.   For context, Trump has spent $4million, Cruz $4.2million even Rubio has spent $10 million.  Jeb has spent 5 times what Rubio has spent and he will be remembered as Trump's bitch

Megyn Kelly's hair 

What the hell happened there.  Here is a word of advice, don't cut your hair short ever 

Rubio

The more you hear Rubio, the more you feel like you are in a twilight zone episode.   The world is crashing and Marco tells you that the sun is yellow, for all the talk of him being such a masterful politician it always shocks me with how out of touch he is with reality.  The guy is a complete robot and I am now convinced that he was built by his creator (not that creator but some dude in Silicon Valley) for a social experiment to see if they could create the perfect candidate.  He has the looks, the story, the hot wife, the beautiful family and has every single talking point at the tip of his tongue.  The problem is like any robot he cannot show genuine emotion, and when he tries it looks forced.  A robot also has a problem when you go off the expected subject.  Ask him about banking regulation and goes off on Hillary, ask him about the auto industry and he goes to his Obama and Hillary stump speech ask him if he prefers ice cream or cake and he says that we can never let Hillary Rodham Clinton be president 

Plus tried to program some extra Christ-y stuff for this Iowa model and it fell a flat as the earth. 

Those big ears are actually transistors to get the information back from Google Headquarters

Ricky Martin $1000

Ricky Gervais $980

Ricky Vaughn $99

Cruz

To make a boxing analogy there are brawlers, tactical dodgers, punchers and counter punchers.  Trump is a puncher, Rubio is a dodger, Jeb is a punching bag and Cruz is a counter puncher and what that means is that without Trump throwing haymakers, Cruz is out of his element. He cannot get any traction because he does not know how to be the front runner.  His shtick is that he is the anti establishment and he showed yesterday that he can't play from in front.  Terrible night for Cruz

Kasich 

I have his Christmas card hanging in my kitchen next to one from my cousin and one from my yard guy and am about to put all of those out in the recycling bin.   I love Christmas cards and think they are one of the most endearing parts of the holiday season but everybody seems happy to just send an e-card at this point or give my kid some huge plastic toy which will get a bunch of wows but then ends up in a pile of crap in the basement within a week.   Maybe people will come back to their senses and realize that there is something nice about a Christmas card but I doubt it

Carson.  I almost forgot about him. Oh well

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Take on the Trump Dump

All the word this week has been about Donald Trump sticking it to FoxNews and skipping this debate which might have been him acting like an impulsive wacko (likely), a petulant child (typically) or a calculated move to run out the clock with the lead (ballsy).   We did get a kick out of Bill O'Reilly basically begging him to reconsider during Trump's visit into the no-spin zone and was even more entertained that Roger Ailes reached out to both Melanie Trump and Ivanka to beg him to come. 

anyway, Trump's got his competing event on CNN today.. which will certainly draw some viewers away but I wonder how much the overall impact will be..and how Trump will spin it..

as a reference point..

 

1st debate on FoxNews got 25 million people

2nd debate on CNN got 23 million people

3rd debate on CBNC got 11 to 14 million people

4th debate on FoxBusiness got 11 to 14 million people

5th debate on CNN got 18 million people

6th debate on FoxBusiness got 11 million people

http://thehill.com/p...d-without-trump

 

The ones on the channels that not everybody gets (CBNC and FoxBusiness) get around 11 million.. but the CNN and FoxNews ones get between 18 and 25 million.. Since this is a FoxNews production, I have to think Trump's people will compare it directly with the 25 million they got for that first debate which isn't totally fair since there was a novelty to that one.   The truth is that the average American isn't going to turn off The Big Bang Theory to watch any debate, so 25 million isn't realistic period..

but with that said I have to think that anything less than 25 million viewers will be showcased by Trump as a gigantic win for him.    We should probably compare it to the CNN one from December, so anything less than 18 million should be seen as a Trump dump (as opposed to a Trump bump for the rest of it) 

 

I am predicting about 12 million.. and 2 million for Trump's CNN dog and pony show

Take on those Oregonian ranchers

We were happy to see that Ammon Bundy and his brother Al got busted last night for being general weasels along with a bunch of their hillbilly cohorts.  What was entertaining was the mug shots which looked like some incestial Brady Bunch meets alternative Big Love thing.  What I couldn't quite figure out though was why there were these little sun icons on the bottom right hand corner of all their photos were, is this some kind of militia ranking like being a four star general??

But we decided to rank them in terms of crazy

8- 2nd Row, 2nd from the left.  

Maybe he is fooling me but that dude looks like the most normal Brady although you know what they say about guys with beards. 

7- 1st Row, 1st from the left. 

This might be Bundy but he looks like he could pump my gas and I wouldn't freak the f out

6- 1st row, 2nd from the left.  

Yeah the weird crooked smile is wacky but he looks a bit like that hick Simpson character, which means he can't be all bad 

5- 2nd Row, 4th from left 

He looks like Ron Jeremy meets Peppa Pig so at least he probably keeps the cow satisfied sitting in Hollywood Square seat 

4- 1st row 4th from the left

This chick didn't need all those free used dildos they kept sending over to that outpost with these studs around

3- 2nd row, 1st from the left 

This is some kind of Vern Schillinger kind of psycho but still better than

2-1st row, 3rd from the left 

This dude looks like he would rip your head off and then shove it up your five hole and then go in their mouth first to retrieve it but he is still not as scary as

1- 2nd row, 3rd from the left

There is a reason the Times did not give him a sun ribbon. This dude gives Row 1, 3rd from left nightmares and keeps 2nd row 4th from the left from getting it up. 

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Take on the Trump debate bow out

Even when he doesn't do something, he'll command the biggest headlines.   Today Donald Trump announced that he is going to skip the next debate because he doesn't appreciate the fact that Megyn Kelly isn't nice to him.  Our dislike to Kelly is not on her ethics or journalism credibility but because she threw some random "y" in her name which always annoys us, but this will be everybody's loss.  It will be Trump's loss for losing out on a chance to speak right before Iowa, a state which we predict he will lose, it will be FoxNews' loss because the ratings will suck, it will be the other candidates loss because they need trump to pull viewers, I guess it could be Cruz's gain which is by definition our collective loss so that's not good.  Jeb might be able to sneak his head out of the locker for a second which I guess is good for him but really who cares at this point 

But the real reason he dropped out of this is because it will give him a built in excuse for why he lost Iowa next week, the LameStream media will be to blame 

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Take on the sitting governor running for president conundrum

There is something so rotten about a sitting governor actively running for higher office I know it is done all the time and guys like Rubio get knocked plenty for their absenteeism from the senate but it is just worse for a governor. Christie always makes the point that unlike his congressional counterparts, as a governor you have to actually do things, a sentiment I agree with. The problem is that when he is in the state about 2 days per week we must use his own words to judge him. He is spending more time in New Hampshire than he is in New Jersey and unlike New Hampshire, we actually pay him to be at work.
He did make it back to Jersey just in time for the snow to hit but by Sunday he was back north again. We had a state of emergency, half the schools are still closed and there was record flooding down the shore and all the white Big Chris is drinking apple cider at a diner in New Hampshire with a bunch of retirees.

So if you want to run for office, suspend your day job because being an executive is a full time job or at least it should be

Take on the weird exit door at JFK

It used to always be getting into the airport which was the major difficulty, between the long lines, security check, shoes off and everything else, just getting into the terminal was a nightmare but now it is all changed.
I was leaving JFK on Friday after a cross country flight and as I went down the escalator I saw daylight, it was right there calling my name in all its 23 degree glory but I could not reach it. I was stuck on a line of fifty people trying to exit the terminal through some Jetsons type contraption because instead of just walking out, we were all forced to exit through this two door pod. I am not sure how to describe it but imagine a fully enclosed pod with back doors and separate front doors. The concept is that one side of the pod would open and five people would cram inside and after the back doors closed, the front ones would open releasing the sorry sardines. I have no idea what the reason behind this kind of half assed revolving door idea was other than just another reason to hate air travel.

Take on Trump's 5th avenue threat

Even Donald Trump wants him out, he just can't figure out how to do it.   I am now convinced that The Donald got in this as a publicity stunt and all of a sudden on the eve of Iowa, he is sitting back thinking "holy shit, I may win this thing.  What the hell am I gonna do".   He tried being super racist, he tried condemning all Muslims, he ha fought with everybody, he bullies the establishment candidate every time he has a chance, he tried insulting a war hero, he tried berating a disabled man, he brought Sarah Palin on board to deliver a half drunk rambling stump speech which sounded like she was a total psychopath but nothing has worked.  Nothing has given him the ability to gracefully  step down from a position he never intended to get himself in.  The crazier he goes, the higher his rating go which is what will happened after his latest "I could stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot somebody and I would't lose voters" comment.  I mean, he is right, his supporters are that crazy but he can't be serious..right?

I am not sure how he gets off this ship, he apparently would like to but he can't seem to do it.   

The way this is  going he will it only win the GOP nomination, he will win the presidency, win a second term and then convinced congress to repeal the amendment limiting his time in office to two terms.  

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Take on the blizzard of the century

Let's throw some predictions out there

1- NYC will not get 3 feet of snow
2- my local supermarket will be out of cheese
3- the world will not end
4- Poland Spring and Evian and Dasani are all going to do really well this month
5- Home Depot and Lowes too
6- advertising rates for the Weather channel will be at the highest point all year
7- I will shovel some snow tomorrow

That will kind of cover it but still I have to laugh because this is typical US mentality. Everybody freak the F out because...it is winter. I get they it might be more snow than usual, I imagine it will be less than they are predicting and I am sure that if I need bread this weekend, I won't be able to get any because all of you crazies will have bought it all

So calm the F down and build a snowman

Take on the smoker

When I was a kid, smoking was still sort of cool.  The Malboro cowboy was cool, Joe Camel was sort of cool and the idea of smoking PalMall without filters sounded manly.   It's 30 years later and all aspects of cool are gone.  I have ever been a smoker, so don't have any grasp of the difficulty of nicotine addiction but it can't be that hard since basically every person who isn't living in a trailer has given it up. 

But then I saw some dude standing outside of a water park in 14 degree weather in a wet bathing suit smoking and thought to myself that the tar must have reached his brain because it just makes no sense and I have no sympathy if you end up with a combination of pneumonia and black lung

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Take on the GOP Strikes Back

Somebody asked what Star Wars characters each candidate would most identify with, here goes the best answers

Trump.  Han Solo, brash, loud, irritating and likes chicks in bikinis.  In it for himself and will die alone having lost all his friend when Eric Trump stabs him on the catwalk overlooking the atrium at Trump Tower.

Carson.   The easy answer would have been Lando Calrissian but he doesn't look Armenian enough, so the answer is...  Yoda not because he is all knowing or because he has any hope of doing anything anymore (his time to shine was a long time ago) but because he speaks in such an odd manner that I forget what he is talking about almost immediately.  The problem is that everybody tells you that he is this genius, you just don't really see it..

Cruz.   The Emperor.  There are two sides of the force and most struggle between dark and light, right and wrong, love and anger.  Anakin fell to the dark side, Luke was tempted and Kylo Ren obviously fell too, so the distinction is not that clear even for the best Jedi...the one distinction is Darth Sidious, he is pure unadulterated evil, he has no redeeming values of good and his desires if ever fulfilled would destroy the Galaxy.  He is that dangerous

Rubio.  Darth Vader.  He is a puppet for the establishment, mostly because he is not that bright.  A Total hawk but somehow believes that he is doing right by turning far right even if it means leaving behind all that he should hold dear but in the end, you know/hope there is still good in his heart

Christie.  This is too easy. Jabba The Hutt.  Christie is a loud mouthed gangster who desperately wants to get the attention of the real warlords.

Kasich.   R2D2.  Nobody quite knows what he is saying and it all sounds wonky and weird but it is pretty certain that he is the smartest one in the room

Big Mike Huck.  One of those silly bears from Return of the Jedi, he looks cuddly and sweet but he probably smells like a wet dog and really is just in for the merchandise

Carli.  I won't go the easy route so will go with that Admiral Ackbar that weird fish looking commander who helps the rebels blow up the Death Star II, she is just that ugly

Rand Paul.  That little rat thing attached to Jabba.

Lindsey. Nien Nunb.  Total twins (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Nien_Nunb)
(https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lindsey_Graham#/media/File%3ALindsey_Graham%2C_Official_Portrait_2006.jpg)

Scott Walker. Joe Skywalker, the lost brother with the weird eyes and the bald spot who dropped out of Jedi school after a week

Santorum, Jindal, Pataki completely faceless Storm Troopers

Jeb C3P0

Take on Palin...II

Somehow Sarah Palin has managed to wedge herself right back into the presidential race with an endorsement of one Donald J Trump and I am now convinced we should all move to Mexico.

How the hell are we living in a time where Trump is leading the GOP polls and could legitimately beat Hillary, Bernie or the other guy in a national race in less than 10 months and how the hell does an endorsement from Sarah Palin help his cause?!!   I am convinced that we are playing a gigantic game of chicken with ourselves and if we aren't careful we are going to end up with a Trump-Palin White House combination which is absolutely frightening.   Then again this is a country who has elected Al Franken, Jesse Ventura and Arnold to major offices and our most revered president of the last 50 years was Ronnie Reagan, so who knows maybe this is the bed we're made to lie in. 

The only good thing is that SNL will be absolutely fantastic...Tina Fey and Larry David better get ready to get ready 

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Take on the Great Wolf Lodge crowd

Great Wolf Lodge is a fun place to take a bunch of kids but beware...like most Pennsylvania parks, the rides aren't the scariest attractions, the entire state is one gigantic badly placed tattoo upon one gigantic badly shaped body. Maybe it is that when your entire being revolves around "living off route 80" that you just give up but I always found it funny when Obama said that people cling to their religion and guns around these parts, it seems they cling to their tattoo artists just as much and those guys all seem to have gotten their fine art experience doodling during break at McDonalds on the back of their GED degrees.
Why somebody would permanently ink their body is already something I'd probably never do but to do out and have some guy out a gigantic eagle smoking a pack of camels while humping a cartoon prostitute can't ever seem like it was a good idea, especially when the guy who did it to you was probably so far gone on $10 heroin, it's no surprise that the eagle looks like Ted Cruz, the camel looks like a donkey and the prostitute looks like Oprah but hey, at least it is discreet.

Take on a sold out Las Vegas

I have the pleasure of going to Vegas twice in the next three weeks as two separate work events will have me hitting sin city in a two week span. The odd thing was that when I booked one trip for the first week in February I had the pick of the litter in terms of hotel rooms with everything available and prides under $100 for most strip hotels. Then when I went to book my second trip for this upcoming week I was shocked to find that basically everything was sold out and the hotels that weren't were charging a fortune. Luxor is sold out, Tropicana is charging $450, Las Vegas Paris is $400, even Circus Circus is charging $250. Shoot the one with the pirate ship is even sold out, that one is always available

I have no clue why it is so expensive until I looked and noticed that this week are the AVN awards. Oh. Baby

Take on the horrible suit

When the Giants let Tom Coughlin walk last week, everybody wondered if the organization knew what they were doing. Coughlin had won two Superbowls with the team and was well respected around the league, he is also a dinosaur and the thought was that maybe they needed to go in a younger direction. In this day and age maybe the Giants felt they needed to find somebody who can connect with the players, somebody more in tune a guy who probably doesn't know how to send a text. Fast forward to the press conference and the Giants marched out offensive coordinator Bob McAdoo and every thought of hip and new disappeared into the wind.
McAdoo was dressed like he was wearing his dad's suit, a look I'm all too familiar with. I have no idea if he will make it as an NFL head coach but as the head coach of a team in the biggest media market who wil be the face of that franchise.. this was not a great first sign...the guy is about as metropolitan as The Olive Garden. He has a terrible goatee, no fashion sense and a haircut like he just walked out of Supercuts..I would not be surprised if he had one of those cellphone holsters on his belt.

Maybe Giant fans will find solace in the thought that all maybe all he cares about is football, or the entire idea is now as frightening as bringing back Ray Handley

The again maybe the fanbase is happy that they finally got a coach who has the same fashion sense as most of them.

Take on the Debate

We feel it is our duty to break down the debates, so we had our interns stay up till 11:30 last night and we've come up with the following

Television has never been so good.  Trump vs Cruz, Cruz vs Rubio, Trump vs Bush, Christie vs Rubio, Rand Paul vs some guy sitting next to him at TGIFridays, this had all the fireworks and was probably/hopefully the last time we saw a few of these guys on stage.  Some observations

This debate misses Rand Paul, they could easily dump Carson or Kasich or even Christie but Rand Paul actually does bring something to the table.

TRUMP
Trump was his usual brash self, but with a little more juice.  He smells victory and now that the gloves are off with Cruz it could get ugly and that's great!!!.  Cruz got the better of him with the Clearly Canadian thing but Trump hit back hard with the New York thing.. although at the end, in his closing statement,  his line about how those 10 sailors being released because of the horrible Iranian deal was a bit of a head scratcher.  So was it a bad deal or a good one which got the sailors released quickly??

CRUZ   

Trump should start every rally with Frank's New York, New York, Cruz  should start his with Radiohead's Creep.

Forget the Megan's law creepiness for a minute, the twisted smile or the face of that weird Sesame Street Eagle, Cruz has a decent shot here..
He was well prepared for the Goldman Sachs thing although a million dollar oversight is a bit hard to swallow but, for today, he quieted the crowd.    Was also good on the Clearly Canadian thing deflecting that but Trump is right that there will be a lawsuit brought come a national election but then he got cocky and got hammered by Rubio on his record..  Overall Cruz continues to cruise.

CARSON. 

Please go home


RUBIO
It is shocking but he never goes off message, he is so rehearsed it is frightening and I can only imagine this guy stands in front of his mirror reciting the lines over and over again to the point it is all he can say.   Ask him about the trade pacts and he tells you how Obama is killing the American dream .  Ask him about Wall Street and he tells you how Obama is killing the American Dream.  

Ask him about Trump and he tells you that Obama is killing the American Dream.  Ask him about his new boots and he'll tell you that Obama is killing the American dream.  He is like one of my daughters broken dolls with a stuck on-button, he just repeats the same thing over and over again. I imagine him in the bedroom with his wife.  Oh Marco, talk dirty to me.   "I just love the way that Obama is killing the American dream"

CHRISTIE
Big Chris we get it, you were a US attorney general and you are a governor of a state that hates you but without Rand to pick on he seems out of place.  He threw all his weight to go extra tough on Obama which is a bit lame knowing you two sip cocktails with little umbrellas in it at Point Pleasant on the weekends..  He's hard to imagine as the Commander in Chief because he just never looks like he is calm.. the guy is going to have a heart-attack on stage one day...

KASICH

I'm fairly certain this is the last time we'll see Kasich, he's got a good message and all but really nobody cares, between the weird haircut, the fact he looks like he is making a pizza with the amount he throws his hands around and the fact that as compared to the rest of those Muppets he's just too normal.. in other words it's over.. time to go home

BUSH

This was probably Jeb's best performance.. which is so typical Jeb because when he finally shows some chutzpah it's when the elevator doors are closing.. There are times when he tries to knock Trump and it only gives Trump a chance to go off on all his crazy rhetoric.   It's almost like Bush is in the tank for Trump as he only gives him more airtime.. Trump pays him back for the airtime by shoving him back in his locker..

the one thing I read which is a great call is that Jeb looks like Will Ferrell doing George W Bush on SNL.

Take on the turn only lane

Much of Manhattan has incorporated these turn only lanes off of the avenues to go down side streets which certainly helps ease traffic going north and south. But what is inexplicable is how often you catch an NYPD car parked in one of these lanes which means that if you want to turn off of the avenue you actually have to merge back into the main traffic and then pull around the cop car to make your turn. I am sure there is some (bullshit) reason for a cop car to be parked right in front of Show-world at 8:30am while both cops chat on cell phones but I have to say to Bill Bratton that his new "sit and surf" policy sucks. I'd much appreciate some good old "walk and look" or some "observe and bust" or maybe some "direct and traffic" as their go-to police work because this sitting in a heated car causing a backup on 8th avenue a mile deep is a total sham

So Bill, get your cops doing..you know...cop stuff instead of checking on their fantasy basketball teams.

Take on the State of the Union

We were promised a different type of State of the Union but after sitting through all of it, I can only say it was maybe a little bit less contrived than previous ones.  I know there are many who say that Obama knocked it out of the park but I can't say I was overly impressed.   First of all, for all the tears he shed this year, where were the mentions on guns or discussions of race relations which seem to be as low as bey have been in my lifetime.   He hardly discussed terrorism, San Bernadino or Paris.   Where were the lame people to call out in the crowd and where were the calls to action.   I know these things are basically pomp and circumstance but I'd like one time in my life to have something like this feel like it has some juice, it was mostly a forgettable night.    

The things we'll remember

- the one kid asleep on his dad, the other looking like he wanted to join him

- some senator playing angry birds on his iPad 

- Rubio looking like his new boots were bothering him

- Bernie looking like he forgot his comb, again

- Ginsberg looking like she fell into her soup again

- Kim Davis looked like she got dressed in the dark again

- Paul Ryan with the most smug look this side of the East River, even without the Park Slope beard

- Nikki Haley with her wired shut jaw still way more impressive that that twerp Jindal and the thirsty man in the desert.  She will be the nominee in 4 years, way smarter and put together than any of these clowns

- the same 20 guys always on the hand shake line greeting Obama including the one dude who looks like has has not washed his hair in ages. 

- Trump took a beating from all corners yesterday, not that he cares but...

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the USPS

There really is nothing more frustrating than spending a morning at the US Post office looking for a shipment. Last week a package we were waiting for was not delivered like we would have expected but the problem was that USPS showed it as having been delivered.

We call up and they tell us it was delivered incorrectly and that they would pick it up and redeliver it. The problem is that the tracking number continues to say delivered, so for three days there is nothing new that it shows online

Fast forward a couple of days and hours on the phone and still no package. Eventually we are told to head to the Times Square post office to pick up the package, i head over this morning and am told that it isn't there. What is more frustrating is that she tells me that even before they look at my tracking number and am told I have to file a claim. I tell them that i was told here to come and get my package and they say that there are only residential deliveries there. I tell them that the USPS told me to come to that location specifically, and they ask who I spoke with. I tell them that it was their customer service and he says that those guys don't know. I ask him what I should do and I immediately feel he gets annoyed with me for asking. I have gone through every one of their steps and cannot get an answer and am told that why they tell me isn't valid as I didn't speak with that specific facility. I tell them that there is no phone number for that facility which he acknowledges is unfortunate but leaves it at that. I ask what they will do and he says "nothing". No apology, no solution, nothing

So I spend hours on the phone, 45 minutes in person and my blood pressure is through the roof for what??

This is why I use UPS or FedEx because there is some accountability in private business and probes again that any government agency cannot operate efficiently

Instead of feeding this horrible beast with bailouts and assistance they should starve it and kill the entire postal service. God forbid I didn't get all this junk mail

Take on bad math

Somebody came up to me today and told me that if instead of paying the lottery out to a single ticket, they distributed the winnings to the entire US population, each person would get $4.3million and I knew immediately that something was off. Apparently the source for this was some Facebook post which only proves again how worthless that entire medium is. Not only is the math ridiculously off, each person would only receive about $4.33 based on a population of 300,000,000 but if you count all the illegals, ex-pats, border crossers, diplomats, anchor babies and Ted Cruz's family you'd get to about $3.50 per person which can't even get you a no water extra vanilla, whip cream chai latte at Starbucks

Take on the Redskins

It seems Daniel Snyder has taken a page from George Steinbrenner and decided it is necessary to play God Bless America at the two minute warning which is so transparent it is sickening. Yeah we all love or country but this is obviously not a sign of patriotism and just one to change the conversation. The is nobody in their right mind who thinks the Redskin name is in itself a good idea and there is no way it would fly as a new name today but I believe that if Dan Snyder wasn't such a cockroach, he'd have a better chance to keeping it long term.

Take on the chip

Is there anything more annoying than these new credit cards with a chip built in? First of all 9 out of 10 times you don't realize you gotta shove that card into the holder thing and you swipe it and the snot nosed high school kid at CVS says it has come backs as declined. Then when you finally figure out what to do, you jam it into the slot and then you wait, and wait, and wait. Your kids are screaming, and your blood is boiling, and still you wait because unlike other technology advances this one actually slows it all down and it is excruciating as you feel the seconds of your life just being sucked from you through that chip

Take on Ted Cruz's Hillary obsession

The more you read about Ted Cruz, the more he seems like he is a direct descendant from Ted Bundy. There is no creepier candidate than old Teddy and there might not be many creepier people period and today proved again what a complete weirdo he is

Campaigning in Iowa he said of Hillary Clinton. "In my house, if my daughter says something she knows to not be true, she gets spanked". I get the metaphor but it just comes across as a little bit too literal and after getting schlonged by Trump, Hillary has come across as the dirtiest little secretary this state has ever had.

But what is most bizarre is that on this day and age, I am not sure anybody still thinks spanking a kid is acceptable anymore. Somebody should tell Ted that although he loves Reagan, the 80's are long gone. I was spanked but I would not spank my own kid, even if they say something they know not to be true.

Take on presidential fashion

Marco Rubio showed up at some campaign stop in New Hampshire yesterday sporting a pair of new black boots with two inch heels.  We all know that Rubio is a complete metrosexual ($120 haircuts, whitened teeth, always perfectly groomed, shiny new boots) which is fine but the two inch heels really irk me.  This just proves what a self conscious little dweeb this guy really is and proves to me that his entire hawkish demeanor is probably just cover for some inadequacies he sees in himself.  

This is not the first time height has come up in this campaign as Old Jeb was caught standing in his tippy toes during a photo-op with all the candidates after one of the first debates but we all know he has less self confidence than an eel.   Rand Paul is another who probably can't reach the sink without a boost and Christie's lack of height is made up in girth. 

There are people who say that Michael Dukakis's boat was sunk after on of the debates between him and Bush 41 where they were pictures side by side and he looked like Jeff Van Gundy holding onto Alonzo Mourning's leg. 

I have no issue with my politicians dressing well  but sort of prefer them neutered because when they go out on a limb they always look a bit odd (Obama in his tan suit a few years ago comes to mind) but it is still ether than when these schmucks try to dress down and look like they were dressed by their moms often we find these guys looking forward like they were dressed by their moms (Mitt Romney in his pressed mom-jeans was horrid) or when they just look a bit odd (Trump with his non buttoned jacket and his tie that hangs about three inches too long)

But we get back to the original thought, what the hell would make a grown man feel compelled to wear heels

But then I remembered a @whattheffacts tweet

Wearing two inch heels can help improve the strength of the pelvic muscles which aid in having orgasms occur.

I always assumed this was meant for chicks (I know of at least one who subscribes to this theory) but maybe it is something that works to keep old Marco satisfied, too. 

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Take on North Korea

Their average citizen is malnourished, their height is stunted, their haircuts are horrible while their government spends exorbitant amounts on a military. All the while their dear leader looks like one of those big head cartoons but somehow they have now potentially detonated an H-bomb. I get that this has been a long goal of the Kim-young dynasty but when they start making earthquakes with fussion, it might be time to do something about it. I am not talking about putting a computer bug in their centrifuges, a John Kerry (or Dennis Roffman) meeting or more sanctions, I am talking about the one thing that can possibly have an effect.and shockingly I agree with Trump. It is time to force big brother China take on a roll in it. The Chinese have too long protected this regime and allowed it to play by its own rules while continuing to give it a lifeline and it might be time to start getting just a bit serious

Take on the new Twitter

Rumor has it that Twitter is about to abandon it's 140 character limit and allow @AdamSchefter to report that some offensive tackle sprained his left but using the full verbiage of 10,000 characters which will likely ruin it instantly. This takes the beauty of Twitter (it's simplicity and conciseness) and basically turns it into a blog which nobody has any interest in. Twitter serves a purpose and it is an important one, one that works in this day and age in short quick bits.
I have no interest in reading long-form @realdonaldtrump discuss politics, paid by the word @buster_espn discuss some random middle reliever trade, macro letters from @ninjaeconomics discussing income inequality in zoo keepers or self promotion from @joshgondleman describing a world where wolves are preferred to people in anything but 140 character spurts. I like the easy to read, ready bits of relevant news information in the same amount of time it takes me to wipe my nose. If I'm interested in more (and I often am) I can click on an easy to click link for the full article

Take on the text and walk lane

NYC needs to incorporate some idea that a university put up, three lanes for people to transport themselves in. A running lane for when you are late, a walking lane when you are on time and a texting lane when you are being a moron. It is not that texting and walking should be discouraged, it should just be mocked when done by people who can't do if efficiently but when done by a master, it should be admired. I am one of the true masters of this art, having crafted my skill over many hours of intense practice in airports, malls and the busiest parts of NYC without any issue and I credit my incredible ability to process information while walking like I am Peyton Manning staring into a disguised cover-2. I can see where people will move before they do, can feel their presence like I am a Jedi and can navigate around them like I have four independent steering tires, so walking while texting for most people would be impossible, for me it just brings it closer to leveling the playing field.

Take on the Netflix Original Series problem

Netflix is putting out some of the best original content on television. It is smart, funny, well done and has won multiple Emmy's but still I have an issue with it. Part of the enjoyment for me is communal watching, seeing a shoe and then discussing it, dissecting it and exploring the options but with w show which you can binge watch in a couple of days, everybody is on different episodes. I am 6 episodes into Making a Murderer and the only thing I want to do is discuss it, but there is nobody I know who is also on episode 6. They have either finished the series, are a few behind me, a few episodes ahead or they have not watched any of it, so any discussion is vague and boring.

They need to start releasing these things one episode at a time and let us go back to enjoying TV like we used to

Take on the IPhone freeze

A week ago, walking out of work my iPhone froze, not that uncommon as it was cold outside and sometimes these things act weird in freezing temperature but what was off was that the screen was just completely unresponsive. I plug it in and it goes back to sort of normal but every 10 minutes or so it freezes, I restart it, back it up, shake it a few times and stand on my head but nothing seems to help and every day since it just gets worse. I then do a complete wipe and reboot and even that only temporarily fixes it so now I am stuck with a phone which has been corrupted and all my backups have the same file on it...or it is a hardware issue which means I'm out a couple hundred bucks to get this thing fixed.

I thought the entire thing about the apple universe was that you got some kind of viral immunity in exchange for them holding you active in their entire Jobs ecosystem, WTF

Take on A Force Awakens

Warning spoilers and conspiracy theories ahead


I have not been to a movie in a decade, the last one I saw was one of those terrible Lord of the Rings thing which made me want to kill myself (and the little Chinese guy who organized it)
So here I went, $20 in hand to watch the next installment of one of my true loves as a child.

Forget the backdrop, forget my review, forget it all. Here is what I got for you

- Rey is not Luke's daughter (a Jedi can't marry, remember) she is Leia and Han's daughter and she is a total badass and quite possibly the best SW main character next to Vader.
- Ben was brought to Luke to become a Jedi but he was just not good enough and his little sister was easily surpassing him, he becomes angry and needs his father's approval but can't get it, so he seeks out his grandfathers and ultimately falls to the dark side and destroys the entire Jed academy except for his sister
- the Ben character kind of sucks because he is played by some kid who would have been in the Thespian society and they should have waited till the bridge scene to take off the mask and even then maybe add some more dark and less light to obscure that rooster nose on the kid. No way does the next great with lord look like a cross between Andy Samburg and Joey Ramone
- anybody who had hoped for Luke to come and help Rey would have been disappointed for even if he did, he does not look like he is in fighting shape...except if he is fighting a pumpkin pie
- Han is still great but they should have killed him off in ROTJ like Harrison Ford requested, one of many mistakes that doofus George Lucas made.
- nice job getting a lot of the old crew back together but thank god they didn't have any of those bears this time, those things were awful
- I like the fact they didn't go the villain of the week thing, Kylo Ren will be a badass, just hoped he keeps his mask on
-and here it is..when Luke finally meets Kylo Ren in battle, he will reveal to him that he, not Han, is his father. He will have had him out of wedlock (showing his weakness and his ultimate downfall) and asked his sister to claim him as her own. He will be revealed to be the Sith Lord behind that big hologram thing that Kylo Ren has been bowing before, history will repeat itself. The force that awakens in Luke's, sadly it will be the other side of the Force he embraces

Take on Times Square New Years

About a decade and a half ago about ten buddies and I trike led down to Times Square, we had backpacks filled with booze (pre 9/11) we had bladders full of booze and we had ridiculous energy. We showed up at about 6pm and waited for six hours drinking our faces off. The issue was that they would not let you leave the pen you were in, so after two hours of drinking, everybody was dying. There just wasn't anyway you could go and it was only 8pm, so we devised up a scheme. All the dudes would huddle up like we were a college football offense in a giant circle and whip out their dickies and then proceed to piss in the empty forty ouncers. The issue was that the drinker we got, the worse the aim got. But everybody stuck to the plan..well everybody except one dude who kept pissing in his forty and then would hold it up high to cheers the world and then drop it, breaking it into a thousand pieces and splattering piss all over everybody's shoes and pants
Fast forward to 11:59, the world is looking up to the ball and the -drop the forty on the ground- dude looked at me and said "I really gotta go". I tell him to hold it for 45 seconds and we'd find a bar but he says he can't. He asked if we can get the huddle back but I told him that it was impossible, we were now squeezed towards the front and there was nowhere to go...well he is dying and he looks like he is going to cry, and he asks me for permission..I am drunk and tell him "why not". He takes out his minuscule zingy and starts pissing right there. The issue was that we were pressed up against the people in front of us, so he is literally pissing against this couple standing there about to kiss to ring in the new year. My buddy is like a dog and these two are a hydrant. The couple turns around and look at him and are like "what the f&ck?!?" My buddy just laughs and says "I can't hold it". The dude winds up like he is going to clock my buddy and then the ball falls and the entire place turns into jubilation. We duck out in the chaos and disappear in the crowd, my buddy still holding his dinky which he wipes on the back of a guy's new Tommy Hilfiger coat and we are back in NJ an hour later...after another buddy pukes all over the NJ transit bus


Happy New Year!!!

Take on Pataki

Yesterday George Pataki dropped out of the republican race and it was met with the same fanfare as the rest of his campaign has brought.... The question will now be where his (4) supporters will go. I mean Mrs Pataki and his kids are going to vote, right?

The saddest thing about Pataki and his crappy camps is that he always came across as second fiddle as governor to Giuliani, so nobody can be shocked that this didn't work out.

Take on the Guns N Roses reunion

It is official, sort of...Guns N Roses will reunite for something called the Coachella concert which I can only imagine is like Lollapalooza meets a handbag collection or something but at least this year..it will rock.

Then they will reportedly do a 25 football stadium tour and I will be happily shell out $500 or a seat. And for that I don't want much, I don't need backup singers, organs, flutes or anything. I just want 1988 back and I want it loud and fast and I want it rocking.

I am talking the original lineup, Axl, Slash, Duff. Izzy and Steven..or Matt I'm cool with that too. Forget Dizzy, forget Buckethead and Bumblefoot and DJ Jazzy Azra and whomever, I just need he original five and I need them to start with Welcome to the Jungle and end with Rocket Queen and I will die happy. It will book-end 25 years of my life perfectly. The first time as a 15 year old kid at Giants Stadium and then as a 40 year old father of three at MetLife..ma fit will still rock.

I cannot wait.

Take on the Japan-South Korean agreement on the comfort women

Today a group of hundreds of thousands of Korean women got their day in the sun, sadly for them all but a few dozen are still alive to bask in it. The Japanese finally admitted to the dirty secret everybody has known for decades, that their Imperial Army kidnapped women across the Sea of Japan and enslaved them as sex workers with some of then servicing 60 to 70 tiny penised Japanese guys per day.
What bothers us is that this apology took 80 years and when it did we cynically note that the agreed upon damages ($100 million yen) sounds like a lot but is only $8.3million dollars and then it isn't even paid out to the victims as it goes to some fund to be used for healthcare for the survivors. Yeah, this is great but is it just me or does it seem that they waited till there were less than 50 people left, keeping the total amount they had to pay down significantly. And really, for having to be a forced sex slave, these women are now given $180k each in health care when they are 90 years old, health services they are probably already given by their own government.
And for this big acknowledgement of guilt and the minor payment, it finally normalizes relations between the two countries. Pretty small price to pay for Japan I'd say

This would be a big FU from me if I were some 90 year old Korean grandmother who is told that reparations have been made in my name so that we can sell them a bunch of Samsung TV's and get a bunch of PlayStation IVs

No thanks

Take on the Christmas presents

We are 4 days past Christmas and there are four bags of toys still sitting in my living room. They were given to them from various friends and family members and will never ever be used. It is not that they are cheap, broken or whatever, it is just that they already have totes, lots and lots of them, so buying them lots more only means that they pile up until I get annoyed an throw them away. So this year, the boxes aren't getting opened, the clothes are not being washed and the puzzles aren't being made. They are all going right to goodwill, sight unseen

Take on the Dear White America piece

I got an early copy of the Dear White America opinion piece (http://mobile.nytimes.com/blogs/opinionator/2015/12/24/dear-white-america/?smid=tw-nytimes&smtyp=cur&referer=https://t.co/HIcD7LTL8w) yesterday, so unlike you I have had 24 hours to live with the fact that I am apparatus a gigantic racist...oh and a sexist to boot. The only good news is that you are too and so is every other dude and/or white person you know. If you are Chinese or Indian or Caribbean or whatever you are not a racist as far as I can tell, but if you are white you certainly are. It doesn't matter if you have black friends, are married to a black person, voted for Obama, like Tyler Perry productions, own a couple of Run DMC records, you are a card carrying white supremacist.
I think it comes down to the fact that you live an easier life and you benefit from ingrained institutional racism which sort of takes the responsibility of being a cross burning white robe wearing black person lyncher out of his own hands because he can't help it, just like I can't. It is like a Rottweiler who bites a kid's hand off, not really his fault because he is born to be a piece of sh!t dog with no real value.
I have no idea how to respond because his article makes it clear that if you reject it then you are just denying that you are a racist and if you admit it..well then you are.

It is like the old "when did you stop beating your wife" thing

So now that we are all racists, maybe we can start making jokes without looking over our shoulder

Take on the Elf on the Shelf

Well we made it another year, nothing catastrophic happened although we did have a few close calls. See our house is an Elf on the Shelf house which is translation for we are masochists. There are a thousand rules to follow (for the kids and the parents) and they are all set up for you to fail. Touch the thing and your kid will throw an absolute hissy fit, forget to move it one night and you are setting yourself for tears, put it low enough for them to "accidentally" brush up against it and you would not be surprised if your neighbors call 911.
But we made it, there were a couple of close calls (waking up at 3am to move the little sucker), fishing it out of a pot of soup, distracting the kids while my wife repositioned it on a lamp but I am just glad to have all my next month temper tantrums be about something real.

Take on the mask

For one day, I was Asian. The combination of a throat infection and Christmas Eve meant that since 10:30am I have had a mask on and I could not be more uncomfortable, it is hot, it is uncomfortable and breathing in your own breath is about as appealing as a Dutch Oven. I hear that in Japan people wear masks not for fear of getting sick, they wear it because they don't want to get other people suck and they prove again what a nice people they are, because there is no person in the US would ever do that. Let's hope I get better soon cause this sucks donkey.

Take on Rand Paul's shirt

If you want to be an outsider that is cool but you should keep your outsider-y stuff to weird policy like getting us back on the Gold Standard or isolationism not to dressing like a guy working at Ruby Tuesdays.
Rand Paul, who has made more sense than anybody could have imagined in the five debates so far, showed up somewhere wearing a peach colored shirt and to say he looked like a giant baby gerbil would be an understatement. No white dude with his complexion should ever be seen in public in that color, it completely washes out his skin and makes him look like a bigger weirdo than he already does with that Brillo pad on his head