Take on the Christmas cards

Years ago we would get more Christmas cards than our fridge would hold but now that we actually send out a ton of cards, it is shocking how little we get back.
As of today we had 9 cards hanging up, two of which were our own cards, one was a cheap CVS printout, two were preprinted generic cards, one was from the guy who mows the lawn, one is from the guy who handles the kids 529 plan and a couple were ones somebody actually out some care into. Maybe we are just not popular or friendly but it I odd that we would get so many before and now it is like a barren wasteland.

Take on the Steve Harvey controversy

As a host to a game show or pageant you really only have an obligation to do three things....keep the show moving, find ways to feature your contestants and do not screw up the winner. I get that mistakes happened but if you can't get something correct as simple as reading a card..maybe it is time we get a robot to fill your spot

The only one who had any sympathy for Steve Harvey might have been Marisa Tomei

Bring back Trump

Take on the Democratic Debate part II

I tried my best to get some insight on last night's democratic debate but all I figured out was that

- O'Malley is primed to dominate on 2020, even if he is probably a donkey operative for this one to try to derail Bernie

- Bernie might have a coronary on stage, the dude does nothing but yell and scream and yell some more. I like that in my comedian, not sure if it leads you a lot of confidence in a guy leading our nation.

- Hillary. Apparently she missed the opening after one of the commercial breaks because she was on the can, she may break both the glass ceiling and the Depends ceiling in the same year.

All in all, sounds like no good fireworks as all three tried to stay above the fray...in other words BORING

Take on the democratic debate

It's well know that companies will announce bad news late on a Friday to limit the impact it might have on it's stock price. There have also been many times that other announcements are made to bury them from the masses. Saturday nights have often been considered one of the worst night for television, there are no sitcoms, dramas or other original programming..other than Saturday Night Live and Saturday Night Main Event so we wonder why the heck the democrats would hold their debate on a Saturday in the heart of the holiday season at 8pm...

The answer is obvious, they are in the bag for Hillary and are keeping any potential bad debate performance from getting any oxygen.

Take on Chinese public restrooms

Just read an article that a bunch of on pic restrooms in China will now serve beet salads, WiFi, organic chicken and ATMs. What makes this even more mystifying is that on a western toilet getting some WiFi makes sense, it is a perfect place to catch up on some light reading (TakeOnRighetti.com is often mentioned as a favorite for toilet reading) but on a Chinese toilet this is odd. See most of them are just holes in the floor, no place to park your ass while surfing the net for last minute Christmas shopping

Oh well


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Take on Shkreli

Today the feds busted Martin Shkreli, the mastermind behind the plan by Turing Pharmaceuticals to raise a rare drug from $13.50 to $750 per pill for Fraud charges.  It is of note that the charges are based on his work with Retrophin, another shady company Mr. Shkreli headed but proves again that if they want to get you, they will.   I'm sure this was a witch-hunt but frankly I don't care and nobody else will either and it will remind these criminal masterminds that they aren't the only one playing loose with the rules..  

but what this really reminds us of is that you can't ever trust some dude who's got a string of 16 consonants in his name, there is just no book to how the hell you go and pronounce Shkreli.  Is it Sch-Kre-Li or is it Suh-Kre-li, or is is Scr-Jack-Off..

either way.. glad to hear that this guy could spend a number of years behind bars swallowing his tongue

take on the GOP debate

**now with fashion commentary**

The GOP went back at it and like a good family Christmas get together, it got nasty. We still believe there are way too many candidates which has the effect of cheapening the event and also making it feel like a Royal Rumble which catapults it into must watch.

Let's go one by one

Kasich.
This dude speaks like he is simultaneously signing to a deaf audience. His hand motions are so distracting that he just comes across as a complete mental patient which is a shame since he might be the only one who is not. 

He was one of the only ones not wearing a red tie with his navy suit, I suspect this was his way of showing the moderate wing that he can bring balance to The Force

CarsonLike Herman Cain and Howard Dean and Mike Huckabee, he had his 15 minutes and now the gig is up. Nobody believes he is nearly versed enough in the issues to have a shot and unlike Trump he has absolutely no bravado to hide his lack of knowledge. Plus he pronounces Wolf like Woof which was distracting, 

It is of note that, except for Fiorina, he was the only wearing a pinstripe suit and, like Kasich, he was not wearing a red tie.. 

Fiorina
Never before has somebody with so little experience tried to give off the impression of having so much. I was the leader of a (failing) tech company, I had breast cancer, I have lost every election I have stood for and I buried a child so that makes me keenly qualified to be a president. If she wasn't a woman, people would destroy her for her lack of knowledge and experience.

Plus that cross around her neck made her look like Flava Flav. We get it, you love Christ but Jesus that thing had more bling than a Trump casino.  Her dress made her look like a red pear

Christie
Big Chris acts like he is a front runner and lectures from what he believes is the bully pulpit but the truth is that every time he leans on that lectern it looks like it was going to crack. Let's just hope big Mike Huck didn't have the same one in the undercard
And he is just a fatter Rudy Giuliani.. 

Nothing in this world looked more pained than that one button on his suit trying to keep it closed, he does look like a nice apple compliment to Fiorina's pear

Rand Paul
He actually makes sense. I have no idea how or why or when it happened but whenever he speaks, he makes a valid point. Then you look up and see who it is and think that you can't wait for Trump to shove this turd in his locker.

a turd wearing a navy suit and red tie in size 38 small.

Jeb
When Trump shoves Rand into the locker he'll find Jeb there already. It is mystifying that Jeb is so inept at this, he actually makes W seem competent. His attacks on Trump really don't do anything but allow Trump to come back and pummel him. Even if he nails one (which admittedly he did) Trump comes back and pulls away his chair as he is about to sit down. Jeb supporters are the loneliest group in the world (https://mobile.twitt...946951854825472) kind of like those guys that hang outside of a movie theater for three weeks to see Star Wars only to see a 6'4" Biff show up with the Star Wars nerd's sister and gets a better seat. But the seat isn't just better it happens to be right in front of the Star Wars nerd meaning he is staring at the back of his head as Biff makes out with the poor guy's sister but worse than that you just know he Biff doesn't have the faintest idea the chronology of Boba Fett

His suit just looks too tight. like he thinks he should be a slim fit when he's actually a standard one.. that can't be comfortable standing like that all night

Rubio
He didn't go to his "my dad was a bartender and my mother was a maid" thing which was a step up but he is just such a disingenuous politician who has sold his soul to the devil for this opportunity (and a smoking hot wife). His ears are still way too distracting and somebody please get him a glass of water cause he was coughing up a storm.  

He does look like he fell right out of a GQ ad, picked up the high school cheerleader, won the homecoming king award and helped an old (illegal immigrant) lady across a crowded street.. still we all hate him

Cruz
I am borrowing this from a smarter person than I am but it fits

Can anyone else picture Cruz alone in an apartment somewhere, smearing lipstick sloppily over his face, wearing heels and a dress, dancing slowly as Chris Issac plays in the background, while mascara runs from his tears and he stabs a doll slowly but with purpose, muttering things like, "You're not so pretty now, are you, Mr. Wiggles? Now who's the belle of the ball, now, Mr. WIGGLES?" Well,if you weren't before...

the guy is just a gigantic creep.. he should have Radiohead as his theme song..

Cruz just looks like a sleazy car salesman, his suit is just off enough to make you think that he just lost a bunch of weight or he took his brother's suit or he got it at a garage sale one day while the Senate was in sequester 

Trump
I just don't know what to say, he just wins. He knows nothing about the actual situations, he is lost on the nuance, he is lazy when it comes to facts and he yells and screams louder than anybody. I still believe he went into this to get some publicity and then surprised everybody (including himself) that people took to his message. He never had plans to be the president but now it looks like he might have a chance to.

What is striking is that he never buttons his suits, like he is walking around trying to show you the size of his junk.. but then he hangs his tie about 2 inches lower than you are supposed to do (look at Rubio that guy knows) so it always looks like his tie is way longer than anybody else's.. just a weird look

So the big winner last night was....Hillary Clinton

take on Ruby Rose and Phoebe Dahl

Saw a headline today that some celebrity couple who I have never heard of before has called it quits..  Apparently Ruby Rose and Phoebe Dahl decided they can't handle the thought of spending holy matrimony till death do them part and are now off to try to find hotter chicks to marry, which is fine with me.. 

what struck me was that although I had literally never heard of either chick what I did notice, and it bothered me to be honest, is that these two chicks look like twins.. they have the exact same cheek-bones, eye structure, smile and terrible haircut...   maybe too much of the same thing really isn't that great..

Take on the fountain of youth

Researchers are close to finding some kind of anti aging drug that could see humans live well over 100 and I for one am not thrilled. First of all, have you met old people?? They are very crabby. Secondly, how are we going to pay for all of these old people. Our social safety nets are set up for people to retire at 67 and live maybe another 10-15 years and they we're done paying but if people work till 67 and then live till they are 120 we will be out of money immediately, so unless you are willing to move the retirement age up to say 90, this sounds like a terrible drag on our economy.

And really, should we be putting a bunch of people in their 100's on the road behind the wheels of a 89 Buick LeSabre

Take on Santacon

I'll never quite understand Santacon. from what I know it is an event where thousands of grown me dress like Santa Clause and get absolutely blitzed to the point they can barely stand up on a weekend day at 4pm and are mooning old ladies. Actually, this sounds a lot like my college experience so I guess I can't say that it makes absolutely no sense to me. But what is odd is that it is based around something as homely and safe as Santa, I even get rallying around a local sports talk show host as a more viable option.

Take on the Trojan horse

Ted Cruz has been surging in the polls and somehow that thought is even scarier than when Donald Trump does. I am still convinced that at some point we will wake up and collectively say "we can't really nominate  Trump" but what I am getting more nervous about is that it might mean that all those Trump crazies jump ship and land on the Ted Cruz lifeboat and then we're stuck with a guy who is literally certifiably nuts running on top of the GOP ticket.  It is not just that Cruz is crazy and weird and creepy, he would be a disaster for the ticket....or worse yet he isn't a disaster for the ticket and we're stuck with a guy who looks like he'd be going door to door on Pennsylvania Avenue to make sure his neighbors knew he was moving in.  

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Take on the bus

I take a commuter bus in the morning which routinely takes an hour and a half to et into Manhattan, so when you are on the bus for that long you certainly do not need any additional reasons to be uncomfortable. Knowing that most fellow commuters are relatively courteous by regularly showering, keeping their music low and not speaking on the phones but one thing that you do get is people reclining their seats all the way back. Does a 5 foot 3 inch Korean lady weighing 130 pounds really need to have her seat reclined into my lap?? I get you want to catch up on some sleep but realize that by you doing that, I'm forced to have my knees jam up into my gut..so knowing that just realize that all those body shifts I'm making which might feel like they've got some purpose behind them are really just love taps.

Take on the dude wearing skin colored leggings

Much like that blue gold dress, the interweb is falls over itself trying to figure out if some dude standing at a fancy hotel reception is either bottomless or wearing really odd color leggings. We are firmly in the, this guy is a flasher camp, and see no reason to believe that the bunched up rolls at the back of his ass are nothing but bunched up rolls of his ass. Some people have tried to point out that it looks like you can see a seam at the bottom of his legs saying he is wearing leggings but I really can't see anything other than an overweight white dude with his junk pressed up against a stand up desk. What man in his right mind wears leggings and if he does why would it be pasty white colored?


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Take on Korean male cosmetic products

Read a headline this week than one fifth of all worldwide gender specific cosmetics sales go to South Korea which is a shocking number, because it is probably the 20th largest country by population in the world. What was even more shocking was that this figure (1/5th of the world) is not for South Korean women to keep up their ageless beauty...until they hit menopause and start looking like Kim Jung Il that is, but this number represents Korean men

Korean men buy 20% of the world's male cosmetic products.  

We have two questions

What the hell are male cosmetic products?   I have a razor, Q-tips, a toothbrush, floss, deodorant and a comb.  What the hell are people buying and why?   Are people buying face cream, hair highlighters, mascara, cover up??   

The cosmetic industry has to be a multi billion dollar one, so are you telling me that a bunch of dudes in one medium size country are buying 20% of that??   

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Take on Beijing

We typically keep these smog posts for when we are in China but it is worth noting how bad the air has gotten there this week.  The air quality readings in Beijing got a 600 reading this week, which is 40 times the acceptable levels by the WHO and honestly I don't see it changing so quickly.   Well that is not entirely true, it will change in the short term because Beijing will not want to be seen in this light (or lack thereof) and will take immediate steps to improve it.   Maybe that will mean shutting factories, limiting cars or having a million people use big hand fans to wave away the smog but they will do something.  It will get better for a while and we will start talking about something else and then..one day this spring those levels will be back up over 500 and cats will be dropping dead on the street and people will notice and we'll play the song all over again. 

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Take on Trump

Trump outTrumped himself today with calling for a total ban on Muslims entering the country. This is a new low, even for him and should be the last straw for GOP voters..but it won't
We have all enjoyed the Trump race as it has been entertaining but now that we are within a few months of the primaries, it is time for the GOP to smarten up

Take on the sissy injury

When I saw a tweet during today's official Charlie Brown bowl, I snickered. Jeremy Kerley the seldom used slot receiver and frequently used punt muffer went out of the game not with an ankle, knee or shoulder injury, he went out with a head injury, just. It the type you thought. It seems poor Jeremy got a migraine and no amount of extra strength Advil was helping, so instead of being out there helping his squad, he was sitting in a dark room trying to deal with a headache. Truth of it is that it probably is a type of concussion and I am sure they just said he had a migraine to avoid the league's concussion protocol but they have to realize they make him sound like a sissy.

Take on the diet

I got on the scale last week and for the first time in a decade plus it started with a 2 and all of a sudden I realized it was time. I'd been slowly moving back in the direction of two bills but had been able to avoid it mostly with stress, lack of sleep and decent genetics but recently Father Time has been catching up with me.
I immediately knew what I had to do, and it couldn't be half assed, I went on a low carb, no sugar diet. So far through 9 days I feel like hell, act like an ahole and look like crap, in other words, it is working. It's not a true Atkins as I am eating fruits but have cut out bread, pasta, rice, sweets and most importantly..beer. I thought for a second to cut off coffee just to make me more irritable but decided for the sake of those around me that this would not be nice move

Take on the Super Bowl 50 halftime show

The NFL knows how to market itself, knows how to make an event out of a bunch of dudes bashing each other's brains in and somehow they have been able to convince the world that they out on the greatest halftime show even with the lamest band in history performing. Forget washed old timers or lame pop-stars this time they bested themselves and came up with what can only be considered a challenge to the USA to see if they have any ability to think for themselves

Coldplay will headline the event which basically means it can be changed to Coca Cola presents by Progressive Insurance with special guest Ronald McDonald on the Subway hot-take drum-kit.

I've said this often but Coldplay isn't commercial music, it is music for commercials. These guys write catchy jingles which stick in your head like a piece of chewed gum sticks to the sole of your shoe, anybody who buys their CD or downloads a copy is directly responsible for the downfall of our civilization

Take on the M&MD reunion

First we heard about a bunch of the original cast reuniting for The Force Awakens, then rumors of GNR possibly reuniting and now the Pope and the Dope will be coming back together again and I am greased up and ready for it all

Today Mike Francesa and Chris Russo announced they'd be reuniting for one day this March and guys from Parsippany to Brooklyn from Harlem to some rehab place by the mall and from Seattle to Costa Mess couldn't be more excited.

Tommy C. "This is like Christmas in March"

Norman Z "I am pumped like I just worked out"

David B "Kirk M said this is better than the day his kid was born"

Kirk M. "I NEVER SAID THAT!!!"

Chris F "I seriously wonder how you guys aren't virgins"


So get ready for a wild ride, it will probably be a letdown but the next four months will at least make one guy miserable


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Take on splash back

Some scientists devote their lives to find cures for some of the worst diseases, others try to find ways to visit the outer reaches of our universe, other yet work on a nano scale to focus on what can't possibly be seen with the naked eye but the research that will ultimately change the world is done at a center working on trying to avoid splash back. Forget breaking the sound barrier orgasp) the speed of light, the biggest dilemma in science is for me not to have piss all over my jeans after I use a public restroom and I, for one, applaud this measure of entrepreneurship because if there is something that really sucks it is some other dude's piss on my trousers

Take on the Mark Zuckerberg donation

Marky Mark Zuckerberg just announced that he and his wife will donate 99% of his Facebook shares to charity in his lifetime, a gesture we applaud. At first this seems exorbitant until you realize his stocks are worth $45billion dollars, which would still leave his newborn daughter, or whomever else, with $450,000,000 to spend on a modest three bedroom house, a trip to Disney Land and a Kia.
What we will say though is that we expect the Facebook stock to tumble in the near future, so if I were those charities I'd be calling Mark the Shark now to see if he could cut a check today for my Save the Injured Panda charity I'm working with cause if you look at the history of social media you notice one trend..what once was cool is now a graveyard.

Take on SW

There are times when we spend hours putting together a well thought out blog post(http://takeonrighetti.blogspot.com/2015/11/take-on-wwiii.html?m=1), there are times we keep it short and sweet (http://takeonrighetti.blogspot.com/2015/11/take-on-refueling-options.html?m=1), there are times we sort of mail it in (http://takeonrighetti.blogspot.com/2015/11/take-on-turkey-turkey.html?m=1) and there are a few times when words alone aren't enough

Take a look at the latests Serena Williams photos and tell me your pecker isn't as hard as her abs. This chick would so dominate your small Chinese frame it is comical, she'd pick you up and body slam you and you better hope your tennis racket finds her net because you might be walking around with a cast on your pecker after she is done with you.

Take on Kobe

I read today that Kobe Bryant was announcing his retirement and was excited till I found out he was not doing it till after the season. That means we'll get the another 50 plus games of pulling a Carmelo and him going 3 for 25 but the NBA will eat it up and serenade him with gifts and flowers and poodles and prizes. Well everywhere except when he plays the Nuggets. Hopefully there they give him an arrest warrant

Take on the in-law bathroom

I walked into my brother in law's house today after a weekend of overeating and had one of those moments when you just wish you could get beamed instantly home. While discussing the stock market's instability I felt a rumble in my stomach, while talking about real estate values in our area the rumble went to a roar and when we discussed our mutual extended family it went to full blow volcano about to explode. A quick aside, his house is one of those that makes MOMA look cheesy, everything is perfectly arranged, set up and laid out. There is artwork, sculptures, antiques and furniture not meant to sit on and I had to dodge all of it as I had to bee-line to the half bath on the ground floor. Knowing what was going to happen to his perfectly pristine European style toilet, I thought about using one of the four upstairs bathrooms but time was of the essence. I plop down, barely having time to pull my humor and sack away from the danger zone and then just let rip. I am talking full scale, two dozen cluck-u wingers, two pitchers of Guinness, a pack of smokes and a gallon of prunes type explosion. I looked down and it looked like I had just birthed a gremlin and it smelled like what I imagine Glenn Beck's breath smells like

I walk out, looking like I just ran a 10k and did what anybody in my situation would do.... Pulled my three year old in the bathroom to have her go to the bathroom and then told my family she had a bad case of the runs.

Take on the Planned Parenthood shooting

I can understand being pro-life, I am not but never disparaged somebody for that thought but what I will never understand is how you can be pro-life and then shoot up an abortion clinic. Pro life should be pro-life across the boards, and that includes some clerk at a clinic offering reproductive rights. We don't know what, why or who is behind this thing today but I would say it should be considered domestic terrorism as much as anything else is..the problem is that without a middle eastern face for the 6pm news the American media will just say it's just a shooting and claim it is isolated. Their issue is that to them a white guy with religious conviction that leads them to kill a bunch of innocent people is just that..a white guy with a gun.




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Take on the turkey turkey

My family overseas just doesn't understand what the he'll Thanksgiving is about. We tell them that we all get together and scream at each other and then sit at dinner and eat like pigs and then everybody sits around and complains that they overate
We all know that we are going to be miserable in a few hours yet nobody can ever stop themselves from stuffing themselves like turkeys

Take on the pardoned turkey

Barack Obama is unamerican, because there is no way that somebody who truly believes in American values would ever try to ruin the great American Holiday. Now the truth is that every other president was equally unamerican, that includes FDR, Reagan and JFK too because for all their claims of American exceptionalism they too bowed down to the demands of a few.
We celebrate the one true American holiday by the art of overindulgence and that single act makes us who we and defines us are yet this president pardoned a couple of oversized chickens today in some lame kickback to Big Tofu.
Those two birds should be cleaned, stuffed, brined and roasting in an oven in about 17 hours

Take on WWIII

We've been waiting 70 years but we might be on the verge of WWIII.  These things always look innocent enough at their face (Russia and The Nazi's carving up Poland like a turkey) and always seem to end in the death of millions.   

In one respect you are happy the US isn't putting any boots on the ground but then you look and the Russians are bombing the hell out of anybody who even sneezed in Assad's direction and that doesn't seem right   They are flying hundreds of missions over Syria and have taken on a big offensive, in turn the US has ceded the entire RISK board to Putin and we're in a spot where we (along with our closest 27 NATO-y friends) are bound to defend Turkey if the Russia goes to war after this.  So some Russian fighter gets a little too close to the equivalent of Turkish Maine and now we are in a big cluster duck with a dude who likes to prance around topless. But even that isn't enough, is the fact that we have no idea what the hell we are doing and I, for one, have no idea who I am suppose to like and who I am bound to hate 

What I know is that we hate ISIS who hate Assad who we hate too.  Assad is backed by Putin who we hate and he is backing Iran who we kind of hate although not as much as before who have been funneling money to Hezbollah who we hate but are not the thorn in our side that Al Qaeda has been, who of course we hate but they are backed by the Saudis who we like (for some inexplicable reason). We hated Saddam Hussein but he kept the hated Iranians at bay but we got rid of him and that created AQ in Iraq who we hated.  Al Qaeda in Iraq sort of spawned ISIS but the Mothership (Al Qaeda in Afghanistan) hates ISIS which makes us unlikely allies.  The Sunnis and Shiites hate each other, the Arabs and the Persians hate each other,  we are backing some freedom fighters in Syria who are probably some form of Al Qaeda or some new group of mujahideen and they will eventually hate us but for the same reason as they all hate us (see as as invaders of the ME) but we decided to like them because they hate Assad but might be indifferent to ISIS or maybe they are ISIS.  We know the Turks, who we like, hate the Armenians, who we like, and the Kurds, who we like, and hats the Syrians who we hate but now their overplayed hand may have just forced us into a spot where we are on the brink of war with a country who we sort of hate over a country we kind of hate while we would be better off offing the people we actually hate.  

Basically we hate everybody and the ones we like we should hate and the ones we hate we should hate and the ones who hate us are much more passionate about their hatred for us than our hatred for them.  

As some guy on the internet said this is like some ridiculous BCS thing 

If Michigan State beat Ohio State but Nebraska beat MSU, then Nebraska is better than Ohio State 

Fuck 

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Take on the stripper

Read an article today that some stripper punched a patron out after he told her that she needed to lose a few.   Reading the article it seems the chick jumped off stage and pummeled the 23 years dude and left bruises on his head with her ring.

What I particularly liked about the article was how he went to describe her. 

The strip club victim waited about 17 hours after to call cops, but stressed that he did not want to press charges and only sought a police report. He identified the girl as a white woman, weighing 115-120 pounds with "a muffin top."

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Take on the Ted Cruz prayer team

I saw that Ted Cruz created a national prayer team which seems to have been established to allow supporters to pray for one Ted Cruz. I am not a religious man, so I am. It sure how this is supposed to work but somehow I doubt that establishing one of these things for yourself has to go against some Christian beliefs, this seem more Scientology than the teaching of Christ although even that I am not sure about. But I guess he feels he needs divine intervention as he moves closer to his ultimate goal though maybe we should set up a prayer group to prevent that.

Take on absolute stupidity

The Times had an article they were pimping today about a dude who was taken for nearly three quarters of a million dollars by psychics anti just couldn't care less. I just think that if people are that stupid, they deserve what they get. It's like the guy who still smokes in 2015, I just won't feel bad for them if they get lung cancer. I have this feeling every time somebody does get something that was entirely preventable, I just have no sympathy. I know that is harsh but Charlie Sheen banged a bunch of $2 hookers without a rubber, so him getting the High V is just not something I honestly feel bad about and in his case it is criminal that he didn't make partners explicitly aware that he was infected.

Take on the size 48 belt

I bought a shirt and tie combination from an online store this week and when I got delivery I was surprised to have also gotten a pocket square and belt. The pocket square was a nice surprise but I was miffed to see the belt was a size 48. I mean the shirt was a 16" collar with 36" sleeves so I have no idea why the belt would be built for a 480 pound dude.

Take on the gun holster

I know a guy who has a conceal carry permit in a state that has a reciprocal carry agreement with about 30 other states, many of them border states. That means he can leave his house in Florida and drive to more than half of the country. The issue is that if he wanted to go from Florida to Delaware he might be allowed to carry in Georgia, North and South Carolina, Virginia but not Maryland so he has to go all the way around and go through Tennessee and West Virginia into Pennsylvania to Delaware to get there which means he is burning a billion extra gallons of oil in his truck. But he is a big second amendment guy and sometimes doesn't have time to do a tour of the states so he just gambles and drives through Maryland with the hope he doesn't get pulled over. I asked him once where he puts his gun during those legs and he said he shoves them up his ass.

Take on the inflight WiFi

I cannot believe that it is 2015 and I get on a domestic flight and they do not offer WiFi. Every domestic plane I have flown on in the last 5 years has given me the option to buy a $20 GoGo pass yet my flight from Charlotte to LaGuardia today does not. I know some people welcome the fact that they can be disconnected for a few hours but I am not one of them. I need to be hard wired directly into the Internet at all times or otherwise I got completely nuts. Two hours on a flight with nothing to look at but the front seat makes my mind wonder and when it goes I want to kill myself.

But the worst thing is that you have to figure a plane not equipped with WiFi at this point must not be a high priority portion of their fleet so you just have to hope they at least checked the tire pressure.

Take on Tysons

Read a report that Tyson had to send back a bunch of chickens because they smelled bad and thought to myself that I have eaten a bunch of their chickens that have smelled bad and only now they tell me there is a problem?!?! This entire concept of smell vs taste is something very familiar to regular smells like fish, tastes like chicken TOR readers even if the smells like fish really smells like rotting chosen possum. Anyway, I wouldn't eat a chicken that smelled like fish or a fish that smelled like chicken or a chicken that smelled like sweat filled pubic hair covered medium rare grilled Atlantic char.

Take on the refueling options

Walking into the Budget car rental office recently, I was asked which fuel option I'd like to use. Either the fuel up yourself one which is the cheapest but a pain in the d!ck. The advanced fuel option which charges you market rate for the gas but you are forced to buy a full tank so anything less than dead E is expensive. Then there is the EZfuel option which is a flat rate if you drive less than 75 miles which is sort of hard to know before hand and $15 for 75 miles is ludicrous. Finally the worst option, the Refueling Service which is basically bending over and letting the guy at the rental desk ram in up your five hole as they charge you nearly $10/gallon.

In other words, any way you see it they are screwing you like a porn star

Take on flowers

It is crazy how expensive flowers are in this country, think about it, for 40 dollars you only get a couple of individual flowers...ones that you hope would last a week. There are not many things you'd buy for 40 buckets knowing they'd have a shelf life of four or five days

But what is worse is that when you walk into any florist and ask them for a bouquet there first question is for a budget. You tell them $40 and immediately they make you feel inadequate. "Sure we'll see about putting something together for that, I assume you don't mind weeds and poison ivy, being that you have such a small budget". WTF, this is $40 or $50 and you make it sound like I offered you 50 cents

I am boycotting the entire industry

Take on the "talented" lawyer

Amongst the 128 people that have died was one American victim but the @NyTimes Twitter account had an "interesting" description.   They went with following 140 characters

@nytimes: Paris attack victims include American college student and "talented" 26-year-old lawyer https://t.co/hfjeR587Fe https://t.co/Bv8BaC0KyA

I am not sure why they felt the need to put talented in quotes, but guess they felt they couldn't use it without them and without giving up their appearance of neutrality on the issue.  The problem is that it actually just reads like she may not have had that much talent, which I doubt is what they wanted to portray

But the bigger issue is that the talented thing is really irrelevant to this tweet, would it have been any less of a travesty if she was just an average lawyer or even a below average one.  I know plenty of those and if they had perished in such a despicable act, it would not be any less tragic

So it might be time to remove or edit that post

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Take on the Big Four

Turn on cable news tonight and it is wall to wall Paris, Twitter is all Paris, talk to any friend and that is all they can talk about but the big four stations have not gone off their regular programing because God knows this is when people need the comfort of Full House, The Urkels and Survivor 62 the old folks home edition.
I get that it is not an obligation but when there are 150+ people reported dead on coordinated attacks in 7 places in the capital of one of our closest allies, you'd think/hope that they would preempt Big Bang Theory but alas that would seem like the sensible thing to do

Take on the Christmas tree

I turned on the Jets-Bills game and for the first time in my life I wished I was blind. We know that October is the Breast Cancer awareness thing with all the pink flags and gloves, so I can only imagine this red and green thing is q Christmas tree awareness thing and Rex can be Santa Clause.

But the best thing I read about it was on Twitter which really brought the entire TOR week together

@MikeandDogToday: Next week: "Jets and Bill return to traditional uniforms, War on Christmas Continues: MY COLUMN"

Take on the debate

Last night marked the fourth republican debate and the first since Christie and Huckabee were shunned to the kids table which must have made the remaining candidates pretty happy because those two seem like they love a good family style meal.  
Our first issue with this last debate that we had no clue where the hell the Fox Business News was on the Optimum box, it was so hidden that we missed the opening remarks by the three moderator stooges.
What we came out with is the following...

Carson.  This guy is in that position amongst GOP front runners where it doesn't matter what he says, nobody cares.   Carson has no substance, no specifics and is now making his entire campaign about how the vast left wing conspiracy is out to get him..and he leads in the polls

Trump.  The Republican Unravelling of the Most Pompous ahole has begun.  Trump is lost and without his "build a tremendous wall" and "I've built a great company" lines to get him applause he is nothing more than an empty suit...one with a tie which hangs about three inches too low

Rubio.  Everything the republicans said about Obama in 2008 will apply to Rubio in 2016.  He is too young, too inexperienced, misses too many senate votes and has ears that are too big but still it won't matter.   Rubio falls into his talking points more confortably than any politician I have ever seen, his ability to deflect any questions and go into his "my father was a bartender and my mother is a maid" thing is amazing to watch.
Q. Senator what do you feel about social security reform
A.  Neil, my mother was a maid and my father was a bartender so I know about needing security, it is our greatest threat.  We didn't have much but we had each other and that's alright for love, you just have to hold on to what you got.  Sometimes it just doesn't make a difference whether you make it or not

Q Senator, What is your position on immigration?

A- listen Maria, I know about immigration as my father was a bartender and my mother was a maid so we had to deal with a lot of immigration from the holiday inn to the days inn. Sometimes my mom would work at one place and other times as the other and that was an important part

Q- senator, what do you think about a no-fly zone over Syria

A- thank you bald guy, when I was a child my father was a bartender and my mother a maid and we knew how important it was to keep the flies away from the food in the bar's kitchen, so we worked hard to form that trust that will continue to strengthen our resolve and arm our friends against Putin and Assad.


Kasich
Our boy has less than 0% chance, he is practical, moderate and smart which means the crazies hate him.  He literally got booed a number of times last night.  Rooting for him is like rooting for the Browns

Carly
The greatest celebrities are known by only their first name.  Madonna, Britney, Oprah and Carly could be right up there.  She should just change it to Karly and she might have a chance at making that work.   I have nothing to say about her, she is crazy, ran HP into the ground and wore the absolute worst color sweater at the debate.  Who chooses puke green for a rendezvous with Rand Paul and Jeb Bush??

Cruz
I have this vision in my head of Cruz knocking on doors trying to drum up support and people just slamming them in his face as they assume he is is just fulfilling his Megan's Law punishment

Jeb
It Is Over.  Pack up the tent, send home the guy selling hot-dogs and apologize to the guys who got (free) tickets to see you..nobody thinks you have a shot in hell at this thing.  You are an insecure twerp with a crappy haircut and  a family name like a noose.  Just leave, please

Rand
I am shocked to write this but the most sensible guy on stage was the one whose head looks like it is covered in pubic hair.  He is the only one (other than Kasich) with some conviction in his beliefs, the only one who I would genuinely believe would transform Washington and yet he scares the hell out of me like an image of Neil Cavuto on a naked people beach.   But he did great last night

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Take on the FoxBusinessChannell

The GOP debate is being held tonight and I sat down at 9pm to watch (and comment) but it took me 15 minutes to figure out where the hell the FBN was located. I finally found it and I see one British guy, one hot chick in the middle and some dude who looks like he wishes he was a stock broker

Let's hope they take the gloves off

Take on the Starbucks holiday Christmas cups

There is nothing lamer than a company like Starbucks caving to public pressure to rid themselves of all signs of holiday fun. This time the PC police convinced them to get rid of such offensive displays like snowflakes and reindeer because nothing spews religious intolerance like these universally insensitive symbols. Instead of sharing some Yule time cheer, Starbucks is going to go with plain red cups and are inviting to have their customers "create their own holiday theme" which is about as lame as charging $5 for an iced coffee

I hope Santa drops a bag of coal in their loafers

Take on the pretentious father

I was at the playground yesterday and was talking to some dude who was a cross between Jeffrey Katzenberg and Jeffrey Lebowski who was at the playground with his kid

Dude " what is that jacket your daughter is wearing, it looks like a cow, it's cute"

Righetti. "Oh, it's a Paw Patrol jacket, Marshall the fire dog, you know the tv program?"

Dude. "Oh, that's why I didn't recognIze it, we don't let little Lucas watch TV"

Righetti "oh, yeah well we have three kids and it's the only way to prepare dinner sometimes, how many do you have?"

Dude. "Lucas is it, he is our everything and just the thought of his mind being corrupted by tv would crush our soul, Victoria is a leading psychotherapist"

Righetti "wait, you named him after Luke Skywalker, right?

Dude "the mind of a child is so impressionable that it's important we allow it to grow with the body, information is its food"

Righetti. "Yeah, I guess but sometimes you need a few minutes"

Dude "totally, it is just a choice we made, we believe that we want to keep him entertained in ways that expand his mind"

Righetti. "You realize your kid just picked up a piece of gum off the floor and just stuck it in his hair"

Dude "lucas please give that to Papi, we are trying to let your hair grow, it is almost to the point we can braid it"

Righetti. "He'll be fine"

Dude "we just don't believe screentime is healthy, it leads to all types of disorders"

Righetti. "I can't get through a dinner at a restaurant without popping on the iPad"

Dude "I do see that in restaurants, mostly chain types."

Righetti "I think your kid just pulled down his pants in the sandbox"

Dude "But it's really just a choice, and there is not right choice with parenting. We have read every book there is, and wrote a few ones too hahaha, and it's just so powerful to use books and language to push their creativity"

Righetti. "Yeah we love reading to the kids"

Dude. "Yes of course, Children's books are fun ways of distraction. We are starting Dickens with Luke this week, he loves the descriptive nature of the written word"

Righetti. "Your son looks like he is two"

Dude. "He's actually three, he is bit stunted but his mind just grows with literature, we are almost through Moby Dick"

Righetti "we like Judy Moody, she has a brother named Stink"

Dude. "That is so funny, I haven't caught that one but I am sure it is great, maybe we'll introduce that when we want a lazy Saturday"

Righetti. You looked like you are 60, did you watch TV as a kid?"

Dude "I have to run, we have a kale party to go to, every household brings a different kale dish and we use the opportunity to speak only in Mandarin"

Righetti. But you are white?

Dude "never too early to emerge little Luke"

Righetti. Enjoy the veggie dumplings

Take on Marco Rubio's credit cards

When Rubio's campaign said they'd release the credit card statements "in a few days" I knew exactly what it meant.  It meant they would release them on Saturday evening and hope it wouldn't catch much wind which is exactly what they did.    

If the release time was in itself not enough to make you turn up an eyebrow, the explanations certainly would.  I have heard all his answered about mistakes in who to bill and mistaken charges and even still it was  guaranteed in his name but honestly I don't buy it.   I guess I could see a travel agent having the wrong card on file but I would never use my business card accidentally to buy pavers for my house and even if it was a pure accident, the thought he made this mistake multiple times for tens of thousands of dollars deserves some scrutiny.  

I am not sure if he did it in the hope the GOP would not find out and just pay the darn bill or if he was doing it to finance thirty days because his own cards were maxed out but either way it looks bad and Rubio solid come clean and stop hiding behind the "I grabbed the wrong card out of my pocket" excuse.  That doesn't fly for twenty thousand dollars 

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Take on AOL.

Saw a tweet from AOL bragging about their new offices in downtown. I don't care if they have backless stairs, free sanpelegrino cans and topless chicks serving them, nothing will ever be cool about having to tell people your work address when you tell them it's Joe.Bryant@aol.com, plus the views of Manhattan might be cool but the 56k downloads for a PDF must be maddening and the entire "you got mail" every time your cubicle neighbor gets a message would make me eat to kill myself. So sorry, AOL but you lost any hope of coolness a long long long time ago

Take on Christie and Huckabee

Today Chris Christie and Mike Huckabee were told they'd be sitting at the kids table next week for the fourth debate and we couldn't be happier. We kind of like Christie so it's sad to see him go and join Pataki and Jindal and Graham but really he had no shot anyway. What we like is that it might give the real candidates a bit more time to talk although I think the two of them had less than 5 minutes of combined time at the last two hour debate.
There are just too many candidates and it is time to prune them. Get rid of Rand (sorry Zed), get rid of Carly (sorry Tim Hasslebeck?), get rid of Kasich (sorry Righetti) and leave the stage for the guys who are polling above 3%.

Next debate should be Trump, Carson, Rubio, Cruz and Jeb and that's it but they won't do that so instead they should play it like the premier league and force the guy who has the lowest numbers to move down to the kids table and promote one of the guys from the kids table to eat dinner with the adults.

Take on the carmines hand soap dispenser

Carmines is one of my favorite restaurants in NYC, the food is great, the portions are plentiful and the atmosphere is fun. The only issue is that when you go the pisser and you wash your hands (if you are into that kind of thing) you push down the soap squirted and go wash your hands and find out that instead of your hands sliding over each other in soapy matrimony they rub together in a friction filled grinding zone. You are dying to get back to The Titanic which is about to get hit by an iceberg on your table and don't think much about it.
Not until you get back to your seat and out your hand to your face do you realize that the soap you just washed yourBhands with is actually mouth wash. Now your hands smell like mint, your breath smells like shrimp scampi and the shrimp scampi smells like the he hands of a cook who washes his hands in mouth wash.

Take on Kasich

TOR has already endorsed John Kasich for the republican nominee for the President of the United States despite the fact that he has zero chance of actually winning.  We love his pragmatic style, the fact that he can't be pulled by the crazies to give up on all he stands for, we love the ability he will have to get things done like he did while working with the Clinton administration to balance a budget and we love the fact that he isn't a slave to the right wing ideology.  He is the only adult on a stage of hooligans, side show acts and wackos yet still h can't distinguish himself as the GOP seemingly does not want to elect a candidate who is, you know, competent. 

The problem we have with him is that when you actually see him, he comes across as a horny turtle.  With his hunched look, ridiculous arm waving, inability to stand still, mental patient haircut and the fact he looks like he is holding little Kasich like a flasher on the subway the entire time means that nobody will ever vote for him. 

So we do hope he can figure out some composure (literally) and some balls (figuratively because it does look like he is playing pocket pool the entire time) he might have a chance to not finish dead last 

Take on the new Jeb

Jeb Bush spent the day trying to reinvent himself, something that has worked really well elk for Madonna but never seems to go real well for a politician. In politics you kind of are what you are, you can get better (or worse) at who you are but at the end of the day you are exactly what we thought. Chris Christie will never come across as a genuinely caring person, Donald Trump will never come across as humble and Ted Cruz can never shake the "I have a fifteen year old girl ties up in my basement" feel. The thing is that with a guy like Jeb who already feels as authentic as faux leather, this is the last thing he needs to do and if this doesn't signal to the donors to save their money and buy a new refrigerator, nothing will

I've often thought that days in politics play out in different ways but their results are as expected. Yeah, Trump was leading but nobody expects him to keep it up. Carson is leading now but we all expect it to come crashing down and at the end of the day the nomination will go to Rubio. Christie has no shot, Cruz scares vampires, Huckabee is already writing a book, Rand looks like he has a public hair haircut, Kasich looks like he needs to pee the entire time, Fiorina looks like a statue and Jeb is loved by nobody, even Barbara likes George jr. better

So get ready to welcome President-elect Hillary. We are so fucked

Take on the Mets

Daniel Murphy has a great bat, problem is that sometimes he takes it with him to the field instead of a glove 

I'm not a baseball fan an haven't watched a single game this season but all the talk around town is, rightfully so, about the New York Mets who are having a great run.   I don't quite get where all the comic book nicknames come from and I certainly don't plan to dig that deep but I do know a few things which I said to my buddy, and one of the biggest Met fan I know, Jimmy "The Chin" a few weeks ago

I told him that the closer with the name of a pizzeria would kill them in the playoffs,

I predicted that Daniel Murphy's glove would come to haunt them and I said that the manager would lose a game or two for them

The truth is that those aren't hard predictions, and I'm sure Met fans felt the same way going into the playoffs, predicting that is like predicting rain.  IYou predict it enough and eventually it comes true. 

What I did not predict was Cespades totally sucking, I did not predict Daniel Murphy becoming Reggie Jackson and I had no idea whether the young guns would be able to stand up to the pressure of the big series. 

Anyway, I'm hoping that they bring it to Kansas City tonight and expect Matt Harvey to go out there and dominate.  I always thought that if Harvey had the sack of Syndergaard he'd be Tom Seaver, problem is that I'm afraid they'll have to take him out tonight after six to preserve his innings count

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