Take on the waitress weight limit

A boxer must meet weight, why wouldn't a waitress have to do the same thing?? This week a New Jersey court ruled that the Borgata, the only thing in all of Atlantic City which should not just get swallowed up into the sea, can regulate how heavy, or light, its waitresses are. I get that his will get some people's donuts in a bunch but the Borgata is selling an experience and that experience is not meant to look like those two twins on those motor cycles.

So get off your asses and shake them ladies, I'd certainly expect the male bartenders to not be able to walk in looming like the Simpson's Comic Book Guy.

Take on the second GOP debate

Here are a few things we learned after staying up way too late watching the second republican debate

Scott Walker has an incredibly asymmetrical face, his one eye sits up at 2 o'clock while the other sits down at 9 o'clock. It is very distracting

Ted Cruz. I wouldn't leave my daughter in a room with him, if I had a son I wouldn't leave him in a room with him either. this guy is a complete creep and has a Subway Jared feel to him

Jeb Bush. He seemed the same lifeless, passionless dweeb he always come across as. His marijuana admission gave him no traction, almost like he was trying to prove he was a cool kid when everybody knows that in high school guys like Trump gave him wedgies behind the lunchroom. At least his brother was probably a true cool kid with his coke induced trips.

Kasich. The guy is the only adult in the room although the entire time he looked like he had to take a leak. He couldn't stand up straight and his eyes were bloodshot, I'm afraid the best candidate might be dying in front our very eyes

Carli. Trump should have told her the truth, that her face looks like a Picasso. Can't wait for her to fire 30,000 Americans

Trump. His bravado was a bit tempered and he seems to be building some kind of budding friendship with Carson but he is still the star of the show

Carson. If Walker looks stoned, Jeb looks like he needs a 5-hour energy, Carson looks like he needs to be strapped on a gurney and given those heartattack shock pads. This guy speaks so slowly it makes my skin crawl

Christie. He should have said his code name would have been "cheeseburger". The dude is literally twice as wide as any other candidate although he did have a few moments and I love when he dukes it out with....

Rand Paul. He actually made some sense yesterday. He is right about ISIS, was right about Iraq and is 1000% right on marijuana. He is also probably 5'4" and has a shitty haircut.

Huckabee Save everybody some time and just go home

Rubio. He is so scripted it's like he is a cross between an elephant and a robot, one that needs a bottle of Poland Spring

Take on a poor choice of accompanying photo

I'm a bit of a politician junkie and can easily be baited to click any article discussing the dysfunction of the GOP or the sheer ineptitude of the Democrats, so it wasn't shocking to anybody when I clicked on an article from the Times yesterday that said "Online Ad for Jeb Bush Paints Dark Picture of Donald Trump"

What was shocking was the accompanying photo which showed a black couple standing in front of a house, an interesting tableau when calling Jeb out for painting a "dark picture".
I am not even sure what the article was about but the headline along with the photo certainly sounded like it was trying to show that Jeb Bush was making Donald Trump out to be a black man living in some 1500 square foot dump in suburban hell...and really that isn't nice because we all know The Donald wouldn't be caught dead in some prefab hellhole like this

Take on the do-not like button

I have not logged onto Facebook in more that two years but they finally did something right. I read today that they are adding a Do Not Like button which must be is welcome addition for all the moms and grandmothers who don't like their yenta friends

I am not sure what it is but the entire idea of Facebook got so tired and from speaking to people now they all -finally- agree. Facebook is the anti-cool, it is what your mother or grandmother does, nor what your hip cousin does and that should tell you all you need to know.

Take on the AMC Times Square

I always thought the order for not going to a movie theater in Times Square was, in order
1-loud patrons who talk and yell throughout the entire movie
2-the fact it costs a week salary to go
3-ex-Mayor little-nut's decision that you are not allowed to buy a large coke

But now I am convinced that there is a new reason which might get to #2 on the list. Nothing will beat out the top choice because you can't hear yourself think let alone enjoy the movie but now there is a bed-bug scare which makes the old seedy 42nd street movie seats seem sort of safe. Who the hell wants to pay $15 to go see two unfunny people like Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg try to remake a classic like Over the Top and now have a risk of not just wasting two hours of your life but getting the crabs all over your body??

Time to shut the entire Times Square thing down.

Take on the guy who has given up

There's nothing sadder than the guy who has just given up. I see a poor schlep today in his CRV wearing those zebra NFL pants, with uncombed hair, a stones tshirt as he is blasting Kanye. You just know this guys has hit that time in fatherhood when you want to jump off a cliff but knowing you'd just wake up to find it to be a nightmare because I know exactly how he feels

Take on first grade soccer

Coach Righetti. "Good morning Men, welcome to first grade Fùtbol, this will be an intense year where we will seperate the men from the boys"

Sally "coach, half of us a girls?"

Coach. "Never admit that out loud you sally. Now, our first rule will be that this game is referred to by only one name, fùtbol, if you refer to it as anything else you are a sham and you can take your pink cleats and go join the ballet.
The second rule is that you will refer to me as "sir" or "coach sir". Anything else will result in 25 deep squats. Am I clear?

Team "Yes sir"

Coach. "Good. Now, I want to warn you that this is not some lame participation league where kids get a trophy for picking daisies. We are here for one thing and one thing only...to win. Anything less is unacceptable and will not be tolerated out of you fairies"

Jane. "So we don't get a trophy?"

Coach. "You are a bright one, We will push you harder than you've ever been pushed, you will run more than you ever have before and you will not stop until your body gives out. Somebody once said it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, that somebody was a loser.

Billy. But my dad says that the game should be fun "

Coach "I don't know if you have ever lost but it sucks, there are no smiles on the losers sideline, no jokes, no fun. If you want to get a trophy for playing then go play tag or dolls because that is not this. We will make you into a lean, mean soccer machine"

Mandy " I thought it was Fùtbol?"

Coach. "Drop down and give me 50 push-ups and none of those girly push-ups with your knees on the ground and your ass way up on the air.
Now, where were we? Yes the goal is winning, and the way we win is to outwork, out-hustle, out practice and out-smart the opponent. Sadly you guys don't look like a real bunch of athletes but we'll change that. First we will do 10 wind-sprints, then 50 push-ups, 100 crunches and 50 deep knee bends, the one who finishes last can take their cleats and trade them in for ballet slippers because obviously this is not for you"

Joey. "Wait I thought this was chess club"

Coach. "Get out of here you pansy, The goal is to kick a ball into a goal and beat the opponent which serves as a great analogy for life, winners beat losers and unless you want to be a loser, you better figure out how to win.
Anybody shows up in jeans or pants can go right over to OfficeMax and get a job there because you have no future."

Debra. "Will we all get to play in the game?"

Coach. "No this is the real world you communist, we play to win and only our best players will play in the game.. If you want to play at your skill level join the town rec league"

Curtis. I thought this was the town rec league?"

Coach: "time for you to go back and sit on mommy's lap mama's boy"

Betsy "can I get some water"

Coach "We do not believe in piss breaks or water breaks, hydration will be a reward for hard work not an excuse to avoid it. If you want to play with your water bottles I suggest you go to the splash park and leave space on this team for kids with heart..now bring it in"

Take on 9/11

Today we bow our heads, bow them for those who have lost their lives but know that they will never be forgotten and nobody has left a bigger impression on us than one Johnathan Southworth Ritter, the original king of comedy..   He made us laugh, he made us cry, he made us forget that being a homosexual was supposed to be frowned upon but he always made us smile.   Living with two women who pranced around in tight shirts and short shorts could not have been easy for young Jack as he tried to keep it in (his pants) but somehow he always made the best of it even if that meant breaking up the original threesome for a different –slightly worse- threesome and then breaking up that group for an even worse combination.   Because nothing was more brilliant than Jack and Janet and Christmas Snow and the Ropers and the Larry all drinking at the Regal Beagle.. Christ that was fun

We'll never forget buddy.. 

Take on the People Judge me Because I am pretty chick

Some chick who nobody in their right mind would rate above a 6.0 posted the following on cosmopolitan.com(don't ask)

People Judge Me Because I'm Pretty(http://www.cosmopolitan.com/lifestyle/a45917/people-judge-me-because-im-pretty/)

I'm a girly girl. I'm 5-foot-5 with blonde hair, big hazel eyes, 34DDs, and toned calves. You can typically find me in heels and a dress or a skirt. You can also find me glaring at sleazy subway passengers and sidewalk catcallers who think it's going to benefit them to call me "babe" or that it's clever to say, "The things I would do to you, honey," at all hours of the day. Cut to me dumping the rest of a scalding hot espresso down my throat and putting on my biggest ***** face until I reach my destination.......It also shows that I demand to be respected, both my body and my mind, because believe it or not, there's more to me than just my looks.

Follow Felicia on Instagram.

I get that this chick thinks she's the second coming of Pamela Anderson but as has been pointed out repeatedly her face looks more like Steve Buscemi meets that Very Hungry Caterpillar.   She has horrible eyebrows, no upper lip, terrible hair, horrendous makeup and looks like she popped about fifteen quaaludes but wait she has big cans so she (thinks) she must be hot 

What is most interesting is that a chick who complains that people are only interested in her (stunning) looks asks you to follow her on Instagram. 

It really does give some insight on a chick forget what you look like, as long as you have a big chest you can convince yourself you are smoking hot. 

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the gigantic head

When somebody said the other day that Hillary has a big head, I didn't quite realize how literal they might have been. I saw a stock photo today of some appearance on an Ellen who is an equally bad dresser and it is shocking how gigantic that nugget on her shoulders is. It is even more shocking to think she can stay balanced with that bowling ball on her neck. I mean, Hillary looks like was drawn by Charles Schultz, she is truly the real life Lucy

take on the NEW CNN.com

CNN LOVED that Malaysian plane crash more than anybody should have, they are eating up every word that Trump says and now they've gone another step towards total tabloid..  I was on CNN.com today and I could NOT believe my eyes, the entire thing looks like I'm looking at something Perez Hilton would put out.   

forget the hard hitting news, this is now TMZ lite, look at the colors, look at soft font, look at the face-lift on Lou Dobbs, look at the content they cover.    I get that they can't put a dent into FoxNews but this is embarrassing..

Ted Turner is turning over in his grave while Jane Fonda points an anti-aircraft missile at it. 

Take on Kim Davis

I am 100% for equality, I celebrated when the SCOTUS ruled on gay marriage and I presided over one as the minister of the people, so my opinion on the subject is airtight. With that said, when we read that the Kentucky clerk was jailed for refusing to issue licenses, even we thought it went too far. We believe that if she is unwilling to do her job, she should be fired for insubordination but I cannot think of a good reason to jail her. It doesn't set a message, it is actually counter productive as it only makes her a martyr for a ridiculous positron. She is a crazy religious bigot but taking a position which we don't agree with should not a criminal offense and having her rot in jail embraces the kind of ideology we are rallying against and she stands for and does nothing for a progressive movement.
Fire her for insubordination, dock her pay, put a bad review in her personnel file but let her walk out and crawl back into her miserable hole

Take on Matt Harvey

Reason 124 why baseball sucks: innings limits

God baseball is the worst, they can't get out of their own way even when things are going well because, thy are stuck between thinking they are a sport and realizing they are just a skill.

Baseball does everything wrong: the game is boring, there are too many pitching changes, they now rely on sabermetrics which are idiotic, the games are too long and now they allow agents to dictate how pitchers should be used.
A few years ago the Nationals shut down Stephen Strasburg because of his agent and now the same idiot is jumping in and telling the Mets that they can't pitch Matt Harvey more than 180 innings even if that means sitting out the playoffs an a serious World Series run, something Met fans have been waiting for since before most of them had hair in hair on their nuts.

This is the hypocrisy of Matt Harvey, he gets credit for being a bulldog yet his daddy won't let him get his arm sore, he claims to be a grinder yet when the pennant chase is on he gets his agent to threaten to shut him down and he gets credit for being the ace of the staff although deGrom is better and now he is threatening to sit out the postseason. Some people will blame Boras but I don't, he works for Harvey and he tells the media what Harvey and his daddy want to get out there. If Harvey changes his mind he'll come across as some kind of Willis Reed hero, which is completely unfounded as it's a 'crisis' that he himself manufactured


If MLB had any balls they'd tell Scott Boras and all of his cronies to get the hell out of the way and let baseball players be baseball players. I wasn't alive but I have to think Bob Gibson would have pegged his manager, agent or anybody else who dare take him out of a playoff game, Cy Young lost more games than most other pitchers actually pitches and Sandy Koufax pitched a gem on 2 days rest in the playoffs because of Yom Kippur. Those guys are grinders, ballers and bulldogs, Matt Harvey is a chihuahua carried around in his daddy's purse

Take on the pillow fight

When I read that 30 West Point cadets got injured Ina pillow fight I thought that people are really doing this wrong. These guys are trained to kill bad guys and instead spend their pent up rage beating each other to the tune of broken legs, arms and concussions and we wonder why these guys don't come back totally normal after actual tours overseas.
I've had a couple of pillow fights in my life and I can see how they can get out of hand, out of hand when you are trying to do it with a bunch of hot coeds but when you start stuffing your pillow with helmets to try to inflict brain damage to your fellow classmates, I think the "right of passage" might have gone just a bit too far

Take on Beijing's parade blue sky

I was in Beijing two weeks ago and looking out of my cab's window I commented that in 15 trips to China I had never seen such a nice blue sky. That wasn't entirely true as the sky was the same color when I was there in September or 2008 but it was as noticeable now as it was then. I have reported often how you cannot see the building next to yours when looking out of the window and how you can feel grit in your teeth when you walk but nothing somebody tells you can prepare you for the utter despair you see when you get there in terms of clean air, September 2008 not withstanding.
The reason that it had been that clear 7 years ago was well documented, factories had been shut down, cars were pulled off the road and coal fired power plants were shuttered for months in anticipation of the Olympics, which were to be China's showcase to the world on how far it had come. They were ultimately successful as world class athletes set world records and the festivities and pomp and circumstance were applauded worldwide
But it was not to last and when I was back in China six months later, the skies were back to being Beijing grey, a color palate you should be able to find on MS Paint. China went back to business as usual as the cameras stopped rolling but TOR did not stop observing
Well this month was another surprisingly blue sky and now I know why. First I assumed it was for the world championship in track and field,the first time that Usain Bolt would be back in The Birdsnest but later I realized it as bigger than that. China was putting on a massive parade to commemorate the end of The Great War against Fascism and they wanted to have a blue sky for the tableau.
Well they once again shut down factories, pulled cars off the road, shot chemicals in the air and closed the coal firing power plants and within a few weeks accomplished their goal. The skies were blue for the big parade and China got to showcase their impressiveness for the world to see but we remain skeptical that it is anything other than show and tell.

Take on the bored lady

Jeb Bush gave a boring low energy speech about health care proxies and Medicaid expansion in New Hampshire and, not surprisingly, some lady in the front row fell asleep.  I have to believe that the Bush campaign is serving black coffee and five hour energy to people before they have to sit in front of him drone one about his grand plans for entitlement reform because he has to be one of the most boring people to have ever lead (although briefly) a national campaign.  This dude makes Mitt Romney look like the pillar of fun and John Kerry the life of the party and those two dudes are as stiff as Bob Dole. 

One thing that we've learned is the stiff guy never wins the election.  

Mitt

Kerry

Dole

Dukakis

Mondale

Gore

Ford

Even McCain was stiff but that is more a  literally description, that poor dude couldn't lift his arms up 

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Take on the new Google logo

When I first scrolled over to google and saw they had changed their logo, I just assumed it was one of the regular daily changes they make to commemorate an event, a holiday or a specific news story so didn't think much of it. Today I found out that this is their new permanent logo, one where they have gotten rid of all the serifs that make a letter look like it was meant to be typed in this century. I get why they did it (consistent look for mobile apps) but really wonder why they want to appear like they were designed and typed on a Commodore 64.

Google is the new Microsoft

Take on the horrible LinkedIn photo

I got notification from LinkedIn about a bunch of new skills that people added: one buddy is now proficient at air-drumming, another is now also practicing criminal law, a third was endorsed for a new skill and another got a fancy new title.  It was all mundane and boring and not enough for me to pay much attention to, but the one update that caught my eye was the hostage photo one buddy posted this week.   

The poor guy looks like he is wearing his father's suit, has that glassy look over his face and looks like he should be holding up a copy of a current newspaper while telling his mom and dad that he loves them.. 

hang in there little buddy, help is one the way.

Take on Mt McKinley

Another day, Another great overstep of power by the imperial presidency. First he forces healthcare down our throats like they are steamed peas, then he threatens to confiscate our guns, basically invites Iran into the nuclear arms club, feeds ISIS, promotes police brutality and now has the audacity to rename an American landmark all while trashing the democratic process and trampling on the constitution. Who care that McKinley was best remembered for getting shot and giving this country Teddy Roosevelt, the gall that this no-birth certificate having, bleeding heart wearing, America hating, socialistic fascist, business crushing, chain smoking, wealth distributing, riot inciting, Black Panther sympathizing, Muslim overlord has is beyond belief. He takes from the rich, gives to the poor in the form of free cell phones and bailouts and this is just another example of a crooked politician caving into pressure from a bought constituency
I hope he rots in hell or Russia or wherever anti American people like him go to rot.

Take on the live stream

The NYT and ever other news outlet is so desperate for anything Trump at this point that they will literally pimp anything he does. Last week they claimed to have a live stream of him speaking in South Carolina but didn't actually have a stream to link to and instead showed a scene of what appears to be an injured soldier. This is how desperate they have gotten, Trump farts and the entire press corps is standing downwind hoping for a scoop, he insults a reporter and there are twenty guys behind that guy hoping to get shit on. I am sure we'll go into a national depression when he finally bows out whenever that may be although that depression is probably nothing compared to the national funk we'll be in if he actually pulls this off.

Take on the GOAT

A few weeks ago a dear friend asked why there hasn't been any hot Serena pictures that have come out recently and just like that she comes through for her fans like only Serena can. There is no female athlete who has dominated her sport like one Serena Williams, who destroys fellow chick tennis players like she's destroy you in the sack. She has power, grace, brute strength and an ass that starts in center court and ends somewhere on the Grand Central Parkway. She'd take me in mixed doubles with more forehand volley winners than I'd know what to do with

Take on Russell Wilson

Russell Wilson made news this week when he claimed some lame $3 water bottle helped him recover from a concussion, then after coming under fire for claiming something which cannot possibly have any scientific proof. So he now came out with a clarification saying that actually it didn't help him recover from a concussion but instead prevented the concussion in the first place. This of course is about as unbelievable as thinking that he is saving himself for Ciara being he has shown on a few occasions to be far from pious. Maybe he thinks we are all concussed to believe that to actually be true
You know what, I am actually rooting for him to get concussed so he can be forced to stay home and recover with Ciara...after they have tied the knot of course

Take on the Daily News cover

I generally love the tabloid covers but today, even I got sick when seeing what the NY Daily News decided to feature. I have not watched the video or the first person murder of two journalist yesterday and would have been content to live the rest of my life not seeing it but that all went to hell with today's cover.
I am not sure what to do to avoid a high profile televised murder like this but I doubt giving the thing front page sensational coverage is going to help. I don't pretend to believe that the news should not cover shootings especially ones that captivates a country but to let this dude go down in infamy exactly how he hoped to be remembered in the most grotesque method possible is just awful

Take on Porn Sniffing Dogs

It wasn't a digital trail that got that fat dude from Subway but a stack of old fashioned playboys or in his case Tiger Beat. I get that police work is intricate and difficult and the NSA probably has a bigger file on each of us than we probably have of ourselves t but who would have thought that they now have dogs that can smell out porn. We have now gotten past the phase of artificial intelligence and I'm starting to freak the F out. I have to wonder how this even works, does the dog intrinsically know when instead of typing www.YouT...and type www.YouP....? Or is this more obvious like a that dogs can smell semen on glossy paper? Either way I am hiding a bunch of Z-Bones dog biscuits around my house.

Take on Fantasy Football

There really is no lamer hobby than fantasy football, not dungeons and dragons, not halo, not Pokemon. I have played for years in a keeper league with buddies from highschool and college and we use to spend hours talking about it but today it hardly comes up in conversation. I'd hear random guys talk about DeShaun Foster and want to jump in to a conversation and now I'd rather poke myself in the urethra with pen. The thought of Michael Bennett or Ontario Smith would keep me up at night, now I don't even realize there is a Mewelde Moore.

So take your ultra competitive double blind, auction, points per reception, best ball big money league and shove it up your five home. As I have gotten older, the less cool the idea is. Now don't get me wrong, a big trade in my keeper league will still get my juice boiling but the thought of doing hours of prep like I did years ago in anticipation for the rookie draft makes me want to vomit. I try to read a couple of articles, check out a few YouTube highlights and look at some expert rankings but overall I can't think of many things I'd less want to do than try to figure out how Gurley is going to be used or whether Duke Johnson can beat out the bums ahead of him and if so, why it would matter.
I will be excited Friday night but probably won't let it preoccupy me leading up to it that day and certainly think that by the time my head hits the pillow I'll be thinking of something else

Long live the SHFFL

Take on Madewell sandals

Apparently they weren't made well but when I saw that 51,000 pairs of Madewell sandals were recalled I assumed it was just because they ugly.  I am not sure how many times we must go over this but these things are an example why the terrorist have won and Donald Trump may soon, too.  No woman in her right mind should be caught dead wearing these bits, unless she is herself Cleopatra or she is homeless because Madewell sandals are as attractive in a chick as one of those skin toned bulky brasiers. 

 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Loser Yankees

Another lame Saturday, another lame Yankee pre game ceremony.  This time they retired Jorge Posada's number, the last of the "core four" although he didn't have that much to do with the 96 team.  Anyway, they decided that they needed to retire him number which now means he joins legends Mantle, Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio along with such non Yankee legends as Billy "a few too many" Martin, Andy "PED" Pettitte and Reggie "only played five years as a Yankee" Jackson.   Even Bernie, Donnie and Guidry are not all time Yankees and they have retired about five managers, a bat boy, the clubhouse attendant and the lead groundskeeper for his rendition of YMCA.  

I'm sure ARod and Texiera and Brett Gardner days await us soon.  I'm still waiting for them to finally retire #19, a true legend who was invaluable to the success of the Yanks of my youth should be hung up there too..yes I mean Yankee great Luis Sojo 

This team sucks 

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Take on the grading scale

In NYC restaurants have a grading scale to show how sanitary they are, an A means there is probably only a single rat in the basement, a B means that the rat has a small family and a C means that the rat is Catholic. I made it a point to never eat anywhere where the grade is anything but an A and even there I am leery.
But in China their rating scale is even more ominous, the B grade has a corresponding face that looks like the little figure is going to have a rough night on the can, C looks like he is going to die and A looks like he just got a hand job, which they might actually give out in this particular restaurant.

Take on the lines

When you are in a country of 1.3billion people whose area is roughly the same size as our country which has a measly 300million, you learn what congestion is like. Everywhere you go there are endless lines, to get a taxi, to get a subway ticket, to get a train ticket, everywhere there are lines.

I stood on a line today which literally took 40 minutes to get through and this is typical. See in China there is no push for efficiency, in a country where everybody works, nobody rushes. We went from Beijing to Shanghai today and instead of flying, we took a train. Now it was a high speed train routinely doing 300km/hour but when two cities are 1200 kilometers apart and you make multiple stops that train ride takes 6+ hours. Most of the time you'd say that getting to and getting from an airport would add time but it wasn't like the train station was anywhere near my hotel anyway, it took an hour by cab. Then my hotel in Shanghai was another 45 minute subway ride away. So the entire day started at 7:30am and will conclude at nearly 5pm. I'd have to think any flight combo would have been vastly faster. But I asked why we didn't fly and was only stared at like I had two heads. The reason is that the train is $80 and the flight $200, the $120 extra is not worth he extra 5 hours of my life apparently

Oh well.

Take on the dead cranes

I come to China every 8 months or so but am still amazed by what I see when I come. It is not the people, pollution or even the food which surprises me anymore but rather the seemingly endless construction which always shocks you. The skyline of every city is new building after building sprouting up like tulip in the spring. There are literally thousands of new buildings under construction at any given time and not just in the big New York, Chicago and Los Angeles type cities, in their Kansas City, Topeka, Fort Wayne and Milwaukee all look like construction zones. The weird thing is that every one of these buildings is in seemingly the exact stage of construction and it never changes. They are all erected, 30 or 40 stories high but they have no windows, no doors, no electricity, no water no anything. There are huge cranes sitting next to each one but the cranes never move. It is like looking at a morgue, as each building represents a Chinese investment gone bad. You wonder why they have all seemingly stopped at the exact same stage of construction but it does not appear there is any chance they will get finished any time soon

Weird

Take on the Red Rooster

When you stare at Chinese cuisine it often stares back at guy, thus was the case of the chicken I go served yesterday with its head intact. I am not a vegetarian but spending a week here makes you want to consider it. I know that serving a chicken with its head attached is a delicacy and proves it is, in fact, a chicken and not a rat or turtle but it does not make it any more appetizing for me.

I am not sure who would eat this willingly but I just throw some on my plate and shovel it into my napkin which I empty into my Chinese business associates bag. He'll probably be happy when he finds it in a week

Take on the ideal woman

There was an English study done (https://onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/perceptions-of-perfection/)

using photoshop to find the ideal woman based on body type, hair style, BMI, height, weight and curves to determine how the world sees difference in perfection.   The results were striking and proved again how the U.S. leads he world in just about everything.     The ideal Spanish chick was 5'2 and 250 pounds and looked like she was smuggling a sombrero in her shorts while the ideal Chinese chick was 5'2" 92 pounds with the body of a 12 year old boy.    The U.S. On the other hand nailed this thing with just enough oomph where it counts while not having any extra where it makes it look like I'm looking in a mirror at myself. 

The U.S. version comes in at 9.1 stones (not sure what the hell that means) but looks like there is enough cushion for the pushin without feeling like you are propped up with one of those husband pillows.

USA

USA

USA 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on my lungs

When you land in China for the first time in eight months, you kind of forget what it feels like. I am not talking about the way you feel getting off a long flight but rather what your lungs feel like when you take that first deep breath of 2 to 5 micron smog. It is as if somebody is chocking one of your two lungs closed and you are trying to breath with one remaining one, which by the way might as well be punctured.
It is not just me, Every person walking around looks weathered, like they oiled up their face, threw a baseball into it, wrapped it with a rubber band and then stuck it under the couch cushion. A five year old looks like they are six, a 14 year old looks 20, a 30 year old looks 40 and a 49 year old is dead

The life expectancy here can't be much above 60, with the smog, congestion, pollution, rice bowl haircuts, green bile, purple rivers, three eyes fish and the four packs of unfiltered cancer sticks they all smoke. But the worst thing is that air, because it is as thick as a piece of pork fat and about as appealing to bite into

Only five days to go

Take on Pajamas on the plane

I have a friend who travels more than anybody I know.  He has easily been to Europe 300 times, to Japan 60 times, to Korea 20 times, to China 20 times,  to Africa 20 times, to India 25 times and around the country hundreds more.    He has hit the million miler point on multiple airlines and it's not uncommon for him to fly back and forth to India, come home for the weekend and then fly back and forth to South Africa on Monday, like he is doing the next few weeks

I've grilled him on the ways of travel, how to get enough sleep, how to avoid getting sick, how to overcome jet-lag and how to do it all without going nuts and in all the advice he has bestowed there is one piece I subscribe to unequivocally: when you get into the plane for a long haul, the first thing you do is get out of your jeans and get into your pajamas.    I used to think this was ludicrous but now I realize the thought of 14 hours of swamp ass in denim is no way to fly.   Pajama pants are key, especially ones with pockets to keep a few valuables in case you need to take a leak 

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Take on Tianjin

Nothing makes your anxiety for an eight day trip to China peak like reading about an industrial disaster like the explosion in Tianjin this week. Days later they still have not contained the fire and the list of the people killed seems to be climbing by the hour.
What is most distressing as I am about to board a flight to Shanghai is that you know that once I am there, I will have no ability to get information which you could believe to be completely accurate and reliable.
We'll do our best to report our findings when we get on the ground but I am planning to fill up on food at the lounge before we take off

Take on the gigantic penis

Accuweather posted a weather map this week in anticipation for the huge rain storm we were to get and immediately the interweb went nuts because, well, the weather system looked like it might have a set of them hanging somewhere in Florida. The giant uncircumcised unit took up the entire East Coast, the shaft of the weather system went from down in the Carolinas while the head ballooned our around Albany, through Montreal nearly into Nova Scotia probably convincing those funny Canadians that they could just get the tip and it wouldn't count

Anyway, my yard was soaked, my street was a pool and El Niño himself was smoking a cigarette in my bed.
I just hope for Georgia that he manscaped

Take on the Jeep Wrangler

When one of my married buddies with a couple of kids emailed around saying he was going to get a Jeep Wrangler, I realized that midlife crisis must be upon us. He envisioned taking his toddler girls cruising through grasslands, across streams and over beach dunes with the top down and the doors off which is as likely as him getting a real life chick to take off her top for him in that imaginary Jeep. Little does he realize that all the cool things about a Jeep come with work. Taking the doors off is a chore, getting the soft top entailed some major finger dexterity and having a conversation while doing anything over 10 miles per hour is near impossible but he never listens to reason, so why not let him fall into the trap

It was 1999, I just bought a 1991 Jeep Wrangler in stick with 100,000 miles on it for $6500 and was told the thing would run for 200,000. It was forest green, had a soft top and I could kick it into four wheel drive with a manual pull stick and it was awesome, sort of

The weekend I got the Jeep coincided with the the first time I was dating a chick since I was in high school. This was an accomplishment in itself but most people were impressed because unlike the other chicks I'd mess around with at that time, this one didn't outweigh me by 30 pounds which is quite a feat when you consider that I was clocking it at 245. We are dating for a few weeks and we decide to hit the beach with a few friends, two other couples jump into my buddy's Passat and this girl and I jump into the Jeep. It's the summer of 2000 I don't have a care in the world and am flying high hoping to get a piece of ass for the first time in a decade. I get the car filled up with 87 unleaded, I got my CD carrousel packed with all the greatest classic rock hits, I got printed directions off of MapQuest and had stopped at 7/11 for a Big Gulp. I have a towel and a bathing suit and had spent an hour getting the stupid soft top off the Jeep before picking her up but the world was great.

I got the Stones blasting as we hit the highway and right away I realize that we have a problem, I can't hear a thing she says. The wind is blowing like I'm in a wind tunnel, her hair is smacking her in the face and the smell of the Turnpike is unbearable. We can't hear Jagger, we can't hear each other, we can't hear anything other than the sound of 60 mile per hour winds. But it is a beautiful day and we are an hour out..until we hit the Parkway. It is summer in New Jersey which means the parkway is a parking lot and with the top down and it being 1000 degrees out, the sun is burning a hole into my skin, we're sitting in bumper to bumper traffic and burning to a crisp but this close to getting some tail, I am way too scared to look like a pussy and pull over to get the top back up.

It is 12:30 by the time we pull into the parking lot and now I got to put he top back up because we're in one of those crap shore towns and I'm afraid that some frat boy is going to piss in my car, so there I am, sweating like only a 245 pound hog does, trying to pull that stupid soft tarp back over the top. It is easily taking me 25 minutes, my buddies are all at the beach throwing the football around and drinking Coors Lite and I am standing there hot, sun burned and frustrated with my new girlfriend looking at me like I am a complete imbecile
A half hour later we stroll into the beach, I step of a sea shell, I realize I forgot my wallet in the jeep, I burn even more and after going in the ocean I realize that I brought a stained towel.
We hang or for a few hours, not of the time with me hunched over trying to capture any hope of shade I can and by date looking on concerned thinking I probably have a heat stroke

Finally, We head back to the car, she asks if we should take the top down again which I think to mean is what she wants to do. 20 minutes of work later we sit back in the same crap traffic except now I am wearing a wet bathing suit and I can feel the pimples growing on my ass and we head back home in the same miserable sun with no cover and no chance to have a conversation.

Take on the Brady courtroom sketch

When I saw a picture of the court room sketch of Tom Brady at his appeal hearing today i knew he was being set up. Not only is this entire DeflateGate idiotic, but this picture proves that he is being railroaded because nobody would draw him to look like a melted candle unless they were a Raven or Colt fan. I have never heard of a bigger travesty than the amount of time, money and energy that has gotten into whether Brady did or did not know his balls were deflated and I can honestly say I don't care and that is coming from a Jet fan. You don't destroy the Colts by 10000 points because of a little less PSI in your sack, you beat them by 10000 because they are a soft team who has no heart and who can't win in January.

Take on The Italian Stallion

When the Jets drafted Geno a few years ago we were super excited, not because he was going to be the savior but because it meant the butt-fumbling, long hair in a headband, throw an INT into the flat, GQ era was over. It was addition by subtraction not because Sanchez shouldn't be good but because in NY he just couldn't be good. Geno was a breath of fresh air but after two turnover plagued Sanchez-esque years, he turned out to have the same flaws that Mark had, a propensity to make mistakes, an inability to learn from them and then an incredibly thin skin which would come to define his tenure. But even with all of that, after the ouster of Rex and Idzik and the return of Revis, I was ready to give Geno another shot. Maybe it was because, deep down, I knew that it wouldn't be fair to judge a QB after only two years especially if that meant having to play in three completely different systems. I wanted to believe in Geno this year because, well the other option is a guy who can't hit the broad side of a barn which is good since he looks like a lumberjack. The issue is that when your only real claim to fame is that you went to Harvard in the NFL you know you are kind of screwed. Harvard in the real world is a great resume builder but in the NFL just means that people think you should be cerebral enough to not make the same mistakes over and over again which after the last two guys and Vinny T a few QB's before that would be a nice change. Then again they had a cerebral QB  with a crappy arm and that never got them a SuperBowl either.

Anyway bring on Bryce

Take on Alphabet

You kno you have too much money when you come up with ridiculous ways to spend it. Google sits on billions in cash and like Gizmodo has so eloquently pointed out this is just Google feeling inadequate to Elton Musk as they feel they have to come up with newer greater crap to feel like they still have it. This is like some 50 year old chick putting on lipstick and high heels even if she's 40 pounds overweight and her boobs touch her toes, she just has to feel like some dude at a bar will buy her a drink..and he will because, well, he's a dude
But here is a prediction, Google will take that mountain of cash and go from Everest and become Camelback. Google is really good at a couple of things, searching, organizing and storage and that is where all their money is but now they decided they have to invest in driverless cars and anti-aging creams which might be a good thing for that 50 year old drunk chick at the bar.

Take on the summer dog

There is nothing better/worse than a summer dog. An all beef dog coming off the grill is like taking a bite right out of heaven and the acid indigestion that follow it is like spewing up a piece of hell. I stood outside all day today and put down one burger and a couple of dogs and now I feel like somebody poured lighter fluid down my throat. It proves again that somebody who can out down dozens of these should be held in the same regard as the other major athletes in our society

Take on the LFL

I often pride myself if not wasting huge amounts of time watching useless television but today while flipping through some channels I caught the LFL which is the hottest thing I may have ever seen. I've seen the lingerie bowl but never quite realized there was a real league with real teams playing this thing every week. It is 7-on-7 full contact arena style football with the chicks wearing bras, panties and shoulder pads and it is actually not bad. The hits are better than a high school game, the skill set is much better than that and the chicks are a lot hotter than anything you'd find on a Friday Night. Some of the chicks pull their jerseys over the sports bras but there are a ton of them who are all chest and proud to show it off. This is like those lingerie wresting matches but it's all real.

Take on the debate ratings

I knew that the first debate would draw an audience but when I saw te numbers this afternoon that the first GOP debate got 24 million eyeballs, I was shocked

That means that the debate reached the equivalent of 10% of the entire

American adult population in the dead of summer when television networks go on hiatus since nobody watches anything. 

I also the following stat

Gabriel Debenedetti of Politico noted that more people watched the prime time debate "than voted over the course of the entire 2012 GOP primary (18.9 million)."

Now obviously this wasn't just an example of 24 million republicans tuning in to learn more about their favorite candidate but rather an example of the appeal to one Donald J. Trump. Four years ago this first debate got 3.6 million viewers and probably had a lot of the same characters, so Trump alone is worth 20 million viewers which coincidentally is the number of viewers the Apprentice used to get.  

The thing is that although Trump got the most airtime, most attention, most coverage and the most difficult questions, his competitors had to be happy because had it not been for Trump we would have no idea who a few of them are (Carson, Kasich) and a few of them would have been out of this race before Labor Day as nobody would have cared (Christie, Huckabee). And a couple of them would have remained total fringe candidates that nobody in their right mind would have voted for anyway (Rand Paul, Ted Cruz) so for all of those guys this debate was great because it gave them airtime even limited and gave us a chance to find out a little bit about them. 

It wasn't as good for the top three legitimate candidates

Jeb looked nervous, uninspired and it felt like old mama Bush was forcing him to do this thing like a kid who has to do a piano recital 

Walker was pasty and boring and no president should have a bald spot that big

Rubio made you wish he was reaching for a Poland Spring bottle with how awkward he was and his ears look like he only needed a feather to fly away 

The only one that made me think was the guy I couldn't have picked out of a lineup..Kasich.  That dude was a breath of fresh air as the only guy not pandering to the hard religious right.  He went from first guy off the island to legitimate contender..at least in this political pundits eyes

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Take on Thursday Night's Main event

Despite having gotten only 3 hours on uninterrupted sleep last night and having had a generally miserable sleep week, I will be staying up way later than my 10:30 bedtime tonight as the combination of the debate and the last Daily Show is too much to pass up

I realize that The Daily Show will continue but so did Van Halen with David Lee Roth quit and look how that worked out.  Maybe still a money cow but just not nearly as good.  I imagine it is not the end of Jon Stewart -although I hope he doesn't bore us with another directorial attempt- and comes back and does a podcast or webcast or something but until then coverage of the political landscape will be a lot more boring.  

Whereas 11pm will be bittersweet, the Debate a few hours earlier will probably come up lame as  @drewmagary says.   Ten people debating isn't a debate.  It's just a shitty conference call.

But just as people listened into Howard Stern just to find out what he would say next, the nation will be glued to Fox's debate to see what The Donald will come up with next. 

I imagine he'll try too hard and the other 9 idiots will try even harder to be quirky and funny all while taking backhanded swipes at him, so like a Mayweather fight it will be way more hype than action but still you will need to watch

So let's hope the gloves come off and we're in for 12 rounds, which are probably the amount of rebates they'll have.   Thinking about it, they really should just go American Idol style here and vote one guy off the stage each time until we're left with one.  let's just hope it's Carrie a Underwood and not one of those nameless schleps from the last few seasons 

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Take on the Cooper Square weirdos

I have a buddy who spun the Cube in Cooper Square which for those who don't know is the equivalent of getting a second serving of tadar tots at lunch but now there is something even less cool at that square. Somebody hung a sign right below the Cooper Square green sign which says confusers, abusers, users,producers and somehow the cube seems cool. I can't say I know what this means although I am sure there is a big chinned NYU film student wannabe who would see the coolness. I don't and don't care and am annoyed that I even spent 30 seconds on this.



RIP Toot

take on the Trader Joe's experience

I was speaking with a couple of buddies this weekend about Trader Joe's, the hierarchy basically breaks down like this

- Chips, crackers and other junk food for snacks

- Frozen items like the dumplings, the pizza and the pancakes

- packaged cold-cuts

- cheese

- drinks

- wine (not in NJ sadly)

everything else is basically horrible, their produce looks like my ass, the chicken smells like my ass and their fruit tastes like my ass.. so unless you like the feel and taste of pimpled five-hole, stick with the prepacked stuff. 

If you buy a pack of organic chicken it is bad easily 5 days before the sell-by date, the bread has more growth than the underside of a boat and the milk tastes like I've been soaking my feet in it..

Take on Ronda Rousey

I can't say I know much about her other than the fact she would probably pummel me in 34 seconds but is there a hotter chick this side of Serena than Ronda Rousey?? I have heard people complain that paying $90 to watch her destroy some broad is a total ripoff but I wonder what those same people thought about dishing out similar cash when they watched Tyson frighten Leon Spinks out of his drawers.

The thing is that this chick is a total combination of badass and nerd as she is the baddest woman on the planet whe also being an avid fan of comic books, WWE and WoW. I mean you cannot get dorkier than that yet the question remains..would you last longer in the octagon or her four post bed?? I'd say the octagon and that is knowing she's beat me like a mule

Take on the debate

With the announcement that the Republican debate would likely be held over two separate sessions with an NCAA play-in game feel, TOR thought it was time to rank the players

Since we have limited space, we'll leave it only for the ones who have a shot

4-1 odds Jeb. He looks just like Mike Francesa, sounds like a giant turd and has the same genetic makeup of the biggest screwup of a president but he's married to a Hispanic woman, seems to be sensible and not a total nutcase (compared to the other guys in the field). He has name recognition, was a governor of a big swing state, looks like the mind of dweeb who wears dockers on a Sunday but falls in that "the evil you know is better than the evil you don't" category for most

8-1 Scott Walker. Honestly he is winning this republican nomination thing and it won't be close but he can't be considered a favorite until he walks up to Jeb and gives him a wedgie, hopefully it of the atomic variety

14-1 Rubio. Might be higher if he can get a more clear consistent message and stops playing to the crazies

20-1. Christie. His chances are probably lower but he will destroy in the debates

30-1 the black guy. Ben Carson

35-1 Rand Paul. Sorry Zed but we're not ready for his type of truth and anybody who believes that 9/11 was an inside job probably shouldn't hold a top office positron

40-1 Ted Cruz. He is considered the intellectual voice of the TeaParty movement which is like saying you are the the skinniest guy at fat camp
There is no chance in hell he wins the nomination, zero. Still he is higher than the next few chumps

45-1 Huckabee. I swear to you that this guy has Hulk Hogan skeletons in his closet. (The bang your buddy's wife type not the hate on Virgil type)

55-1 Trump. He is 10-1 odds worse than Huckabee and Huckabee has NO shot. His fall from the top will be meteoric but entertaining all the way through

The rest of them: Bobby Jindal is a giant turd, Pataki is a douce, Fiorina would lose an election for 8th grade treasure yet she still continues to blow her fortune running, Kasich the average American hasn't heard of him, even the politically involved couldn't pull him out of a lineup and even his own wife wouldn't vote for him. Lindsay Graham, sorry dude but no. Rick Perry put on those glasses and hopes nobody recognizes him as the giant troll that he is. Rick Santorum has as much of a shot as he did four years ago, four years before that and four years before that and then there are a few other guys who I can't remember which is probably a good thing..or not




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Take on the real estate photos

I'll never get why people post pictures of their homes when they have no ability at all to take photos themselves and worse than that, when their house is not photogenic. I'm scrolling through an open house listing down the block and see a photo of a grime covered bathroom with sliding glass doors that have no been cleaned in a decade, two spouts for a shower with only one appearing to be functional and a toilet which looks that of a public park restroom

If you feel the need to take the photo, at least out down the toilet seat, this entire thing looks like a the mind of thing you'd find at the type of motel you'd refuse to stay at..and they want you to buy this one