Take on The Dumbest guy at UPenn

For a guy who supposedly has the best words, Trump certainly seems to mess a lot of them up. For one, he doesn't seem to know there is a difference between to and too, today's tweet it's not the first time he has confused the two and this one he didn't bother to correct. I can't totally blame him as it took me a few years to figure that out although I'm pretty sure my nine year old hasn't actively made that mistake in two years. I know that Trump apparently went to UPenn which last I checked was an Ivy League school, which does make you wonder how Yale and Harvard feel about them being in their little club

What I'm wondering more often recently is how much did Old Adolph Trump donate to get Little Don his UPenn admission. And knowing the history of Trump donations, did they ever actually collect on it.

Take on the biggest loser

They're really is no bigger nerd than Steve Mnuchin. Not only is a winy tool who looks like he got his glasses broken multiple times as a kid, he can't shake that image even now that he's one of the most powerful people on earth

He has a model wife, a ridiculousl
job, a padded bank account and still this clown doesn't know how to dress. Have you noticed that every time he sits down with a suit, he doesn't unbutton the jacket which makes it look like his little Weiner is sticking out of his trousers. Dude, unbutton jacket when you sit down and button it again when you stand up, it's not that complicated.

Take on the Capital Gazette

Seeing what happened at the Capital Gazette today made me immediately think that in a world where our president rallies against "Fake News", that could very well be the narrative here. Trump has mastered the turn his own worst flaws against his opponents and somehow his supporters are dumb enough to buy it. But that's just adject stupidity, when it's put into action it becomes lethal. I have no idea what the actual motives are but at the end of the day, the chances that the shooter had one of those stupid red hats has to be be somewhere around the 99.99% chance.

Take on Anthony Kennedy

This certainly wasn't the way I was hoping to spend my vacation. First I threw out my back, then I had some bad fish and finally I found out that Anthony Kennedy is going to retire. Donald Trump will now get a chance at a second SCOTUS nomination and the way Ruth Bader Ginsberg is looking, he'd likely get another one and that's only assuming that Breyer is the healthiest 79 year old of all time in which case he'll get two.

So unless Alito pulls a Scalia and drops dead or Clarence Thomas is caught with a (another) dead hooker, we are going to be faced with the most conservative court in a generation.
So thanks a lot Vlad, you've accomplished everything you've always wanted

Take on Lame Marco.

Five year ago the sky was the limit for Marco Rubio.  He was the star of his party, master of his own domain, he had the perfect combination of youthful looks, compassionate conservatism and the great rags to riches immigrant story.  This was before his water gaffe, before we realized he had dumbo ears, before we knew he was a total robot and more importantly Before Trump.   But the one thing Rubio has never had was a backbone.  

Today's statement on immigration is Rubio in a nutshell 

immigration issue is hard b/c our sovereignty requires us to have borders. Our history requires us to remember we are all immigrants. Our constitution requires due process. And our Judeo-Christian values requires us to show compassion. No other nation has to balance all that!

This is Marco Rubio, he is the most spineless chicken shit politician we've ever had, he won't say anything about anything.  You just know this guy covers himself in crisco before he goes to bed and asks his wife to call him Little Ted

Please just go away 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Trump’s great Harley deal

Harley Davidson is about as American a company as we have, it's Ford on steroids, it's McDonalds on antibiotics, it's Flashdancers on three whiskeys It's about as American as Donald Trump paying off a porn star with Russian money.
And now they are moving production overseas as they can't be competitive making their overpriced bikes in the USA. So immediately Don jumped in to defend his great deal for Harley to not have to pay some kind of tariff which feels like the time Obama bet on that one solar company. Presidents picking winner and losers is bad policy for any party but especially so when the "winner" in this case makes the president look like a giant loser

Take on the Red Hen

Big Huck was kicked out of a restaurant yesterday and TOR has sent reporters down there to find out the truth. Although it's been reported that the Red Hen refuses to serve he because of her politics, we have found out that she was actually forcefully removed when she refused to leave the salad bar and kept demanding the unlimited breadsticks. We know she has pissed people off with the combination of evasiveness and straight lies but we believe the reason she's so horrible is because she has that constipated I just ate six pounds of cheese and cant poop it out look.
Somebody put us out of misery and send this woman to Sizzlers in exchange for her resignation

Take on big Mike’s big secret.

You just know that Big Mike loves Latino men. Anybody who is that jesusy and preachy is likely hiding something and I have to think Big Mike has got a closet full of secrets. Today he tried to poke fun at the immigration situation by posting a photo of a bunch of topless Latino men and tried to pawn it off as a knock on Nancy Pelosi. Personally I think this was a sign Big Mike sent to his little friend who he keeps hidden from his wife and Sarah and the grandkids. It's only a matter of time he is caught tapping twice in a bathroom stall

Take on the young Trump Staffers.

There are reports that Young Trump staffers are having trouble getting dates because they, well, work for Trump.   I mean, who wouldn't find Stephen Miller attractive although calling him a young staffer might be a bit of stretch if only for the fact that he looks like he's 45 even if he's only like 31.   The guy they posted next to him is some low ranking staffer who looks like a fatter Marco Rubio  and is probably the guy laying in a pile of puke on the floor of a bathroom on St Patty's day.  

They didn't go into other specifics but did mention one was a cousin of Kellyann Conway which means she probably looks like the wicked witch

Maybe these people can't find dates cause they are all incredibly ugly. 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the I really don’t care thing

What are we going to say that hasn't been said about the Tone Deaf jacket donned by the lady Don? Yeah, it's in poor taste and yeah it was likely trying to send a message but really my commentary isn't going to be about political statements, it's about the fact that it's kind of an ugly jacket
I get that people like clever statements and army green is sort of cool but when you are wearing a $39 jacket that looks like a $9 jacket, you are doing it wrong. It's not clever, it's not cute and it sure as hell is not presidential and most importantly it is a million f'in degrees outside!!!
So take that stupid thing off and concentrate on felating your disgusting husband, so for a few minutes he doesn't destroy the world around him.

Take on the Trump FoxNews thing.

Living in 2018 is just bizarre. Not only do we have PT Barnum as the president, he has an entire news network working for him. Today FoxNews today showed the following headline. "Trump Rally Live & Only on Fox News. Other networks ignore presidential rally". This is sickening, not just that they are in lockstep but that their viewers don't recognize it as total state propaganda.

It's been rumored by TOR that Trump and Sean Hannity will often talk deep into the night with the conversation ending with "no you hang up first". Tucker Carlson is a complete cheerleader and has his head so far up Trump's ass it looks like the president has a hemorrhoid shaped like a bow tie.

Take on the Trump FoxNews thing.

Living in 2018 is just bizarre. Not only do we have PT Barnum as the president, he has an entire news network working for him. Today FoxNews today showed the following headline. "Trump Rally Live & Only on Fox News. Other networks ignore presidential rally". This is sickening, not just that they are in lockstep but that their viewers don't recognize it as total state propaganda.

It's been rumored by TOR that Trump and Sean Hannity will often talk deep into the night with the conversation ending with "no you hang up first". Tucker Carlson is a complete cheerleader and has his head so far up Trump's ass it looks like the president has a hemorrhoid shaped like a bow tie.

Take on the flag hugger

Trump is such a mental weirdo. He does these things that just scream Michael Scott like hugging a flag to prove how patriotic he is. I'm not sure what the official federal flag code and God forbid he would take a knee in front of the flag because that has to be so much worse than a very obese man rubbing his sweaty body up against it.

But this is Trump, the same guy who took five deferments in Vietnam telling the world how to treat the flag.

Take on Melania's 'rebuke'

the media is falling all over themselves trying to give credit to Melania's comments which they indicate are a direct rebuke on Trump's immigration policy.

the problem is that there was never a statement of Melania actually rebuking much of anything.. She did say she hated to see families torn apart which is more than Trump would say but then went to say that she hoped both sides of the aisle would come together to fix this (read..build that stupid wall).   This is like saying you like gorge on ice-cream and you also like to be skinny.  

Trump is president, Sessions is the AG, the GOP controls both the Senate and the House and this is a Trump policy which Stephen Miller has already indicated is so harsh specifically to deter other border crossers.   I am not sure what the correct fix is but I do know throwing kids into detention centers away from their families is NOT the solution..

but Melania will get credit for her compassion, her willingness to stand up and defend those who can't speak for themselves and to criticize her husband's policy.. sadly she didn't do any of that and knowing her role in the birther thing, I don't think she ever really will..

Take on the sick loser

Trump went on a twitter rage today which usually means he's been tipped on some bombshell that will happen tomorrow. This is how things work in his world, he brings the nail and Big Bob brings the hammer and slowly they start to close the coffin. I've read a bit on this IG report and there are certainly some parts which read as anti-trump but that just means that Strzok and Page weren't clone puppets to the newly formed Trump reign like Rudy and Big Chris and the rest of the worthless saps who inhabit his orbit.

But like we said, when Trump goes on one of these rants, it is a sure sign that Big Bob will bring the hammer...hope he takes it right to Don jr's nutsack

Take on the White House job fair.

Now Hiring

Long hours, government pay, tons of nepotism to deal with and you may at some point get dragged into a criminal investigation. Please send resume

The White House is hiring and there is so little interest amongst qualified career lawmakers and staff that they have resorted to putting an ad online hoping to get some millennial interest.

See Trump is so rotten that just being in his orbit will have you smell like catfish flavored polish rum for a month. So unless you can manage the Scott Pruit route, this job probably is going to suck as you eventually join Paul Manafort squeezing your ass together whenever you drop the soap.

Take on Paul Spineless Ryan

If you are going to look up spineless weasel on Wikipedia, I expect you to get a giant JPEG of Paul Ryan. There really has never been a mess principled person that Ryan, as he can't help but openly felate both the president and all his hangers on. I get that he's not a very smart man but, at minimum, you would have hoped that he had decency but somehow morals aren't allowed in Jainsville anymore.
What always bothered me about Ryan was that people always claim that he's some policy wonk but that's just calling him the tallest midget. I doubt that Paul Ryan understands macroeconomic policy substantially better than Peter King (either one) or that he has insight on the grand effects of healthcare much past his own copay.

So when he says that he's not sure what to think of Scott Pruit using every last bit of his power to rip off the entire USA, I'm neither shocked or surprised. If he does know, he doesn't have the internal moral fortitude to have any desire to doing anything about it and if he really doesn't know, it's basically par for the course as he does genuinely come across as frat boy dummy.

Take on the Korean War Veteran remains

Trump came out to say that many parents of Korean War soldiers have asked him to bring back their remains, and now as president he is looking to make good on that. The issue is that the Korean War ended 65 years ago which makes most Korean War Veterans in the 83-96 range and would make their parents somewhere around 110. I get there are a few 110+ year old walking around but I have to guess that they are more likely to complain about their soup than go to campaign rally's
Somebody asked if this kind of thing bothers Trump Voters but I suspect these are the same people who believe the earth is 5000 years old, so space-time probably doesn't mean the same thing to them as it does us.

Take on the greatest trip of all time

The greatest president of all time just came back from a historic mission to bring peace to the Korean Peninsula and the greater world and it's fair time that he liberal elite acknowledge his deal making prowess. He didn't actually get any concessions from Kim Jong Un but we are told they did have a nice meal and the two got along well. The only testy point was when the two discussed their golf scores but luckily it only lead to more positivity as they planned a nice golf outing at the newly planned Trump World Resort in Pyongyang.

We did save a bunch of money by switching to Geico and suspending those pesky military drills with South Korea, so DJT continues in his cost cutting efforts. We also saved by not bringing Jim Mattis along because we know MadDog likes to order the expensive Chardonnay on AirForceOne He did bring Big Huck so that cut into the budget but luckily Donald ate a Wendy's burger, so Sarah Sanders was able to have his surf and turf.
John Bolton also came along but we saved by not needing to provide a nose hair trimmer and Mike Pompeo only ordered soup although that soup was made from the tears of dying children.
Luckily for all Scott Pruitt wasn't invited which meant that the AirForceOne linens didn't need to be replaced. Dennis Rodman flew on his own dime which was nice. Neither Ivanka or Ivankhim came along so at least they didn't demand to be put up in the presidential palace


Maybe Trump can borrow W's "Mission Accomplished" banner. Would save a few bucks there, too

Take on Michael Cohen’s pending arrest

Michael Cohen is thisclose to being arrested and that could finally spell the end to our long national nightmare. The reason is simple, Michael Cohen is not a hardened tough man, he's not a guy who wants to spend the next ten years worrying that Biff is horny. Even if he spends his time in a low security prison, he'd lose his future and not see his kids grow old and this is not a guy who seems to want to do that for some twisted one way loyalty to a boss who wouldn't spit on him if he was engulfed in flames.

So expect Cohen to start singing, expect Trump to start chirping and know that Big Bob Mueller will be laughing all the way to the courthouse

Take on Rudy’s porn addiction

When a headline includes Stormy Daniels, Rudy Giuliani, Michael Avenatti and Porn, it's like a bat signal for TOR.
Avenatti has been trolling Giuliani for weeks and apparently has found some IP evidence that Rudy is a dirty old man and is dangling that tidbit out of the window to get Rudy's blood pumping
We know that there is no way that Rudy has any blood pumping down to his Little Rudy without some pharmaceutical aid, so this is probably the only way for the mayor to get exited. Now the only question is, what kind of porn is Rudy into?!? I'm sure it's some BBC shit.

Take on the Kim Jong Un flight.

Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump have now both arrived in Singapore and the most memorable image was KJU getting onto an Air China plane. It's been speculated for weeks that he'd need some assistance since the North Korean aging air fleet doesn't have the range to reach anywhere near Singapore which is a bit ironic considering we are having this meeting because of a fear that they can reach the west coast of the US with a nuclear missile. But anyway, he got onto the flight, made his security detail jog next to his car and is likely watching a bunch of hotel porn and snacking out of the minibar.
Trump is likely doing the same at his hotel tonight.

Only question remains, did Kim get some Star Alliance frequent flyer miles out of this thing.

Take on

Angela Merkel's office released a photo of the G7 summit with the chancellor waning over a desk backed up by May, Abe and Macron in what looks like she's scolding Trump for drawing on the walls. We are all unimpressed with Trump's hard negotiation stances so far as she hasn't really gotten anything out of anybody although like the snake oil salesman that he is, he's somehow convinced somebody that what he has done has merit. Trump's stupid smirk perfectly exemplifies his lack of interest in bilateral agreements, his theory on his need for allies and his thoughts on diplomacy.

Either that or he looks like he's taking a giant shit

Take on the ESPN W recommended articles

ESPN.com has a section they call W which unbelievable is for Women's sports which works out well if you want to know about the FIFA Women's World Cup teams. What is odd is that when I scroll to the bottom of the page, the related articles they have online are "Skateboarder Leticia Bufoni bares all" and another naked photo accompanying an article called "US Hockey National Forward" I get that this is probably some stupid algorithm and they are trying to add content to women's sports site using articles featuring women athletes but somehow I doubt this was the intention. And I really doubt my 8 year old daughter who looking to learn if Alex Morgan will dominate really cares about seeing Hope Solo topless.
Nice job ABC and Disney, glad to see you've paid attention to the MeToo movement.

Take on the Morissette in Chief

When your present is quoting Alanis Morissette , you know the country is in trouble. Trump is going to Canada to fight Trudeau on the cost of milk, going to Singapore to fight Kim on the price of peace and will be back in time for 18 next weekend. I'm rooting for the president for his Singapore Summit even if he doesn't think he needs to prepare much. This is the biggest move towards peace on the Korean Peninsula in five decades and our moron in Chief is going in cold. You know he won't read the intelligence briefings, the state department prepared files or even a newspaper. So at this point we should be happy if he doesn't puke on the guy

Take on Scott Pruit

Scott Pruitt loves lunch and loves Chick-Fil-A. He loves lunch so much that he's been eating at the White House mess so much that a White House aide had to tell him to leave. I have no idea why a guy whose has made millions cares so much about a free lunch but this is the same guy who takes government planes, flies first class on the Us taxpayer dime and travels with a bigger posse than Kanye West.
Anyway, he's a loser and I think he has plugs

Take on God Bless America

Trump tried to sing God Bless America and he butchered it like I butcher most Taylor Swift songs when I'm driving in the car. I know that I butcher Taylor's music mostly because I don't really care which is what I assume Trump thinks of God Bless America. The weird thing is that The Star Spangled Banner is the more difficult song, just ask Enrico Palazzo, so not knowing the words is just odd for a person who must have been to at least a few Yankee games.
Then again he likely doesn't know the Star Spangled Banner either

Take on Fat Kim

Everybody agrees that Kim Jong Un is not an attractive man. He's 5'4", weighs 240 pounds, wears a thing that looks like the tarp at Yankee Stadium and has a hair cut like his barber had a spasm. He also has this perpetual scowl on his face that looks like somebody peed in his kimchee. The peed in the kimchee look is sort of his trademark but for some reason the Russian State TV photoshopped him smiling when he met with some diplomat. It's so awkward because rumor has it the man only cracks a smile when his grundle is tickled and unless Mrs Kim is hiding under that stupid bathrobe looking thing and playing ventriloquist with his five hole, that smile isn't true.

Anyway, good luck on the big June meeting with Trump. Sadly for the world, neither of these men look like they like a tossed salad.

Take on Rudy with George Snuffleupagus

For a seemingly smart guy, Rudy is really not that bright. George Snuffleupagus asked Rudy about his shifting explanations for statement on Trump Tower meeting

"This is the reason you don't let the president testify. Our recollection keeps changing, or we're not even asked a question and somebody makes an assumption."

This is the time where Rudy must get confused, it is the only explanation. He apparently confused "things which are totally true" with "things he should say in public". I could see how that would be hard to distinguish but they really should be two entirely different things when dealing with Trump. Anyway, he is going to screw this thing up so royally for Trump that he will soon get the Big Chris Christie treatment.

Take on the Trump Letter

Trump was handed a letter from Kim Jong Un which looked like one of those novelty cards you give your uncle when he turns 65. It's either that or Trump's tiny hands make a normal size envelope look like you could shove one of those road maps books you used to buy at the gas stations.
Anyway, he said it was a very nice letter before he said that he hasn't read it yet and everybody mocked him but in fairness, you don't actually think he is going to read it anyway, so who cares what he says

Take on the NK-US hotel bill

Trump announced that the on-again, off-again date with Kim Jong Un is back on again. The issue now are logistical ones

- who is going to pay for the North Korean 5 star hotels? The North Koreans aren't willing to roll out $6000 per night per room, so now we have to foot that bill

- who is going to get them to Singapore? Their crappy Soviet planes can hardly make it across the Sea of Japan. Somebody needs to lend them a Learjet

- who is going to bring enough food to feed those two lards? You just know Trump won't try anything icky and fishy and Kim will likely eat anything they put in front of him. Both are likely to use the crayons on the table and one of them is likely to get it stuck up their nose.

Anyway, glad this BroMance is back on but if we are going to take it in the five hole..why do we have to pay for dinner?!??