The Banquet

The Way I see it all major events in life end with a banquet of some sort.. When you are in college the culmination of four years of hard work and tons of booze is the Senior Prom. In College Football the regular season isn’t complete until five nervous 22 year old sit in front of a room of old white men who announce their choice for the Heisman. In Hollywood the entire year’s work in writing, cinematography and acting comes down to the Oscars (nobody cares about the People’s Choice) even most important political meetings between dignitaries often end in the official state dinner.  Even the porn industry has an end of the year celebration when they hand out awards like best double-penetration, best interracial and best blowjob.


I’ve always seen the end of the world in this way, that there has to be a big dinner at the end where we all wear our tuxedos as they had out the awards to the best dressed (no chance for me on this one), most talented in art (again I’m not going to be in the running), most complaints (I may have this one won at age 34 already) as well as the big awards like best person (Gandhi, Mohammad, Jesus, Mother Theresa ??), worst person (Hitler, Stalin, Jr. Bush) as well as best empire and most influential person and of course most clutch performance in a Superbowl.

Well during the banquet -which I imagine will be hosted by Billy Crystal- and paparazzi out front will have their hands full as anybody who was anybody (literally) will be there.

Well during this big festivity there will also be a couple of jokes and there will of course be some musical performances (Guns N Roses reunion ???) but the thing that everybody will look most forward to are the all the secretes of the world which you didn’t know about. Like in Super Mario Brothers that if you squatted down on a certain pipe you all of a sudden discovered some secret tunnel

I’m convinced that there were many secrets like that in this world, many of which the game’s designers never intended the players to ever find out about. It was meant as an inside joke, for example at some point they would tell you that if you mixed cheerios with liquid gold out would all of a sudden get a huge head that could break bricks or if you threw a rock exactly through the side window of a smart car you would find a pot of gold on the street.

Well one of those secrets was supposed to be Mushrooms. I’m not talking about normal fungi but I’m talking about the ones that make you see colors. See you weren’t suppose to know about those, they were grown in cow-shit and nobody in their right mind should have been dumb enough to actually try them, unless of course they got the code from one of their gaming magazines.

Anyway there must be tons of other great secrets revealed at the Banquet so make sure you got your tuxedo picked out because like a good wedding it’s black-tie. I’m just hoping to get a good seat.