Take on Jeffrey Epstein’s dirty spank bank

JP Morgan Chase admitted that it processed a billion dollars for Jeffrey Epstein and somehow nobody looked twice. Forget that the guy is a kid touched but who the hell can process that amount of money?? A billion dollars is not a measly million which would in its self be difficult to spend on a single shopping trip. Maybe these transactions are more "business" and less personal ATM but I'm not good with any of these dirty bastards being anywhere near the HAR of a publicly traded bank

Take on freezing Mitch

We are the point where the minority leader literally can't get though a day without looking like he had short circuited. We had the second known incident where that weaker Mitch McConnell froze as if he was an overloaded version of Windows 98. The dude almost looks like a neighbor walked over to his yard and punched him.

Time to send this dude to pasture and while we are at it he can take his junior Senator from Kentucky with him

Take on Strike Force Five

A bunch of late night hosts are putting on a podcast during the writer's strike. The guest list includes Colbert, Kimmel, Fallon, Oliver and Seth Meyers. I am wondering two things.

They always talk about the big three but there is obviously a Lebron and a Wade but somebody convinced the world that Chris Bosh was some kind of superstar. I honestly don't get how he stays on the air other than the peacock loves humor as rich as two percent milk

The second question is who the hell invited Seth Meyers and why didn't they invite that Scottish guy.

Take on lame rich people

There really aren't many things lamer than some tech billionaire rapping to his all white audience with the hope to come across as anything other than the dork he is. Eminem has requested that Ramaswamy to stop covering his songs most likely because its just painful to listen to. I don't know much about his policy other than he loves Trump
which already makes him as qualified to be POTUS as a jar of mayonnaise to me.

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Take on lame rich people

There really aren't many things lamer than some tech billionaire rapping to his all white audience with the hope to come across as anything other than the dork he is. Eminem has requested that Ramaswamy to stop covering his songs most likely because its just painful to listen to. I don't know much about his policy other than he loves Trump
which already makes him as qualified to be POTUS as a jar of mayonnaise to me.

Take on the shooter ad on YouTube.

Every time I log into YouTube, I am confronted with this shooter up ad and I am floored as to why I'm being targeted. I've never clicked on it, I have nothing in my search history (I think) that would indicate I'd be interested and I am annoyed to see it and often leave before watching whatever I'm going in for. Now obviously Meta has more info on me that I probably know about myself, but really?? This thing.

Take on the cheater in chief

Trump claimed he won some lame gold championship and basically admitted that he cheated by denying he did so. If you legitimately won, nobody would have to say anything but when you start desperately trying to cover up an obvious crime

Take on the Brady Bunch

Trump and his 28 closest friends spent their week figuring out their best prep walk, no comment gesture and mug shot angle and they came back with this ridiculous thing. We know that they have never been accused of being Harvard educated but this bunch is to patriotis like a limp bisquit is to porn.

Take on the mugshot

We've been waiting for this moment for what fella like forever. This charade has been going on for months with Trump's defiance on display time and time again but today, he was brought in front of the camera and treated like all the other perps. The photo will likely become bigger than the Jim
Morrison one but mostly it does remind serious people that this is not only an unserious candidate, he's a danger to the republic.

Take on the mismanagement of seasonal decoration

It's ten days before Labor Day, kids are still in camps, parents are still figuring out how they will manage the school year and CVS decided that now is the time to break out the Halloween stuff. You have to be kidding me with this, I'm still wearing shorts, I still have flip flops under my feet and still am thinking of what to do for the long weekend. But no, everything has to be rushed, nothing can carry its own rhythm, big pharmacy has decided that I have to put a scarecrow on my front porch on August 23rd!!!

Take on the fact Threads sucks.

Elon finally got his wish!! His $44Billion website is now #69in the App Store which he'd normally blast out but as it's a giant fall from grace, he's going to be conspicuously quiet we predict. The fall would be more sudden and stunning if Threads didn't totally suck. We've been on that website for a while and although we are rooting for it to work, it just doesn't. It's interface sucks, it has no search function, it mixes content from two minutes ago with that from a month ago. When you refresh, it only gives you a few new threads and stacks then upon a bunch of old ones you've read already.

Zuck, fix this thing.

Take on prison

We're just a few ldays away from Trump showing up at central booking where he will be photographed, weighed and fingerprinted. What will also happen is that he will be released on $200,000 bond with a condition of his release that he basically can't do Trump like stuff which is going to be impossible.

He can't go into social media and rip the justice system, the prosecutor or the courts which will Meehan that with any luck his fat ass will actually have to spend a few days in prison

Take on the debate

Aa expected, Trump will. It be doing the debates this year which basically makes them worthless endeavors for the rest of the clown car. We have seen how this goes, where he runs alternate programming head-to-head with the debate which basically sinks the entire thing. But now we will get Marshmallow DeSantis and Big Chris try to one-up each other in the one who can tell each other than they are not like Trump but would very much cover everything Trump can get.

Take on 273.5

An odd maker is taking over/under bets on Donald John Trump's weight when he gets booked in Georgia later this week. The line is 273.5 which seems like easy money since the man is obscenely obese. But what shocks me is that I don't recall the weight of somebody who got booked being anything I've ever seen before. But I'm all for the change

Take on family game night

I'm convinced that nothing can break a nuclear family apart more quickly than family game night. Having researched it, the entire concept was introduced to our county by double agent Soviet spies in the 1950's to help destroy any semblance of normalcy we as a country were hoping to portray. We know that most of the board games are controlled by Big Toy which is subsidized by a dark web of Soviet influence. Hasbro, Mattel and all of the others, around purely to break our collective psyche and destroy our families.
If I ever ran for president, my entire campaign would revolve around finally abolishing board games.

Take on family game night

I'm convinced that nothing can break a nuclear family apart more quickly than family game night. Having researched it, the entire concept was introduced to our county by double agent Soviet spies in the 1950's to help destroy any semblance of normalcy we as a country were hoping to portray. We know that most of the board games are controlled by Big Toy which is subsidized by a dark web of Soviet influence. Hasbro, Mattel and all of the others, around purely to break our collective psyche and destroy our families.
If I ever ran for president, my entire campaign would revolve around finally abolishing board games.

Take on Hurricane Hillary

The democratic chances of retaining the White House and Senate and making gains in the House could get derailed by the unlikeliest of events…a hurricane. Hurricane Hillary, if it makes US landfall will be the worst thing for that name since she declared that you'd get two for the price of one. I can't be sure but a Typhoon Donald would likely be heralded for the damage it would do to Japan or China.

Take on the debate

I can't believe that we are a week away from the first GOP debate which is just some lame excuse for us to get Christie and Vivek and Ronnie into a single room. Trump likely wasn't show up which basically means the entire thing will be a low energy crap show and he will just find ways to steal the spotlight.

Take on Free Speech

The biggest self proclaimed defender of Free Speech has been throttling speeds to news organizations and competitors which is as surprising as thinking any of his antics has ever been about true free speech. The loudest defenders are also often the most narcissistic as they really are only interested in their own speech being unimpeded. Luckily for us, the amount of time the TOR staff has spent on Twitter/X has been significantly cut to the point nobody on our payroll has been on the app in over 3 weeks.

Sadly, Threads sucks

Take on Smeraldina

I'm so sick of bottled water.  It's the biggest scam we've been fed since trickle down economics and Santa Claus.   The latest entry into this race of the stupid is something called Smeraldina which proclaims to be Good, Pure, Cool, Smart and Green. First of all the name Smeraldina sounds like a mashup of that camel piss Aquafina and a sperm bank, which is never a good combo.  Then their righteous proclamation Good, Pure, Cool and Smart  sounds like you are giving our class awards to a third grade and finally the nauseating Natural Artesian Water tag line which sounds like it was mocked up in a 10th grade intro to business class.    

But please, explain to me what is green about shipping water across the country with plastic tops and packed in that weird milk container cardboard which nobody knows  whether it can or cannot be recycled. 

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