Take on the open pickle barrels

I love pickles, I'd eat them with just about any meal that offers one
and have travelled far and wide for a good one. I also love street
fairs and stands and nothing is a better combo than one of those
Pickle Guy stands. What I don't like are the ones where they allow
the average homeless guy to stick his meat-paws into the pickle bucket
to get a sample. Don't get me wrong, I love the sample myself, but
that is only because I don't allow myself to realize what they've been
exposed to and although pickle juice can cure even the nastiest
hangover, I doubt it stands a chance against tuberculosis

take on the public donation

When I got CC'd to an email the other day, I was immediately annoyed.  It isn't that getting put onto an email thread in itself annoys me as I get put on tons of them about home-improvement issues and I happily read without ever caring to comment.   What got me annoyed about this particular instance was that I was CC'd on an email from an acquaintance about a charity event with a note that they would not be able to attend; they also made it a point to add a PS about a donation they'd be making for the charity.   I'm happy that people feel it within their heart to make a donation to a cause they believe in, but I'm not exactly sure why I need to be informed of their every move.

There is a beauty about making an anonymous donation

take on the beard net

I understand the need for the health department to demand that people
working in the food-preparing industry should wear hair-nets but when I got
breakfast this morning at Subway and the dude comes out of the kitchen
looking like Santa Clause, I wonder if there should be an enforced law for
beard-nets too?  This dude looked like Osama Bin Laden with a beard that
slopped into the $5 footlong like a mop.

Although, to be honest, it's not as bad as the guys at the Italian place up
the street from my old apartment.  In the 98 degree heat this savage should
have been forced to wear a chest-net to catch all the stray sweat covered
chest hairs falling into my meatball parm out of his dirty v-neck.   This
is one place those dirty take-out Chinese places have a major (hairless)
leg up.

Take on the walking duck

I can't stand feeling like I am stuck behind a semi as I try to get to
work. I can't stand people who waddle down the street but especially
when you burn my retinas with your choice in clothing.
Can somebody explain why a man would EVER wear purple pants,
especially when they look like they should be wearing a girdle. I
walk down the street last week and see this mass of humanity waddling
in front of me

I don't know why it bothers me but it is mainly because this blob of
humanity blocked me from getting to work on time with his yellow murse
and what looks like night be a brassier under that baloney skin
golf-shirt

Take on the tossed salad

There is probably nothing less appealing than the large salad at a
party, yet every BBQ today will have one guest who was tasked to bring
one. It's easy to bring beer, it's no problem to bring hot-dogs or
burgers but the person in charge of the salad is screwed. First of
all, there is just no way to dress a salad for that many people
without it getting completely drenched so most of the time people opt
to not dress it which leaves you chewing on plain arugula or spinach.
Add to that so many dietary restrictions, it always just becomes a big
bowl of greens with not nearly enough stuff which will inevitably be
the item nobody at the party will actually go for. This pathetic bowl
of leaves and to maps wil sit there all day, wilting from the heat of
the grill and the sun. People will pick at some of the goat cheese
and cranberries bit will leave all the lettuce, which will constantly
make the concoction look less and less appetizing

So do us all a favor this Memorial Day and leave the big bag of
prewashed lettuce at home, and bring another six of Brooklyn Summer

Take on the crazies

I was looking for a new AM/FM radio the other day and came across the
above one. I have learned a few things in my life: never speak to
the guy at the next urinal, never get sushi at a 50% off sake and
don't ever trust a guy wearing the over the head radio transmitters

I think the first two are obvious but the last may need some
explanation. See, the kind if guy who uses this kind of radio, is one
step away from going off the grid all together. A guy like this is
just as likely to live in some cabin in New Hampshire or with his
parents in Queens but either way, he probably thinks that BigBrother
is following him or at least that is what Glenn Beck is channeling to
him.
There has to be a very obviously and measurable connection between
those headsets and sending envelopes containing Ricin or Anthrax

So, I decided against this option, even if it is a great look, and
opted for a jogging Sony for $29.99

Take on the teenager mob

When did teenagers all start to dress like The Fresh Prince? I walk
through the hellhole that is Port Authority this week and encounter
what should have been a somewhat intimidating scene. About 8 or 9
rowdy teenagers, all yelling and cussin and causing typical mayhem,
were standing around and basically blocking foot traffic. But as
opposed to it coming across as even remotely threatening, it came
across as a broadway show because these dipshits were decked out in
purple shorts, like green hats and bright yellow tank-tops. It is as
if I got off the bus, and somehow ended up at Six Flags
It is not that teenagers, in general, are all that intimidating, but
any pack of people sort of confronts you, even if they aren't doing
anything. It is the perception that they could at some point could
jump you, these guys looked more likely to break out into Office
Krupke

Take on Strawberry

When I walked into Starbucks the other day, I realized it was time to
move. Not only were they blasting some awful Yaz song and there was
a huge line which meant I had to listen to the entire thing but The
guy in front of me, some 20 something Dustin Diamond looking dweeb
ordered what may have been the longest single drink order I have ever
heard.

Dustin. Can I get a tall triple mocha, skim milk no water, double
espresso latte with low fat whip-cream and a swirl

Barista: sure, will that be it?

Righetti (under my breath) "not sure why you'd get skim milk and low
day whip-cream if you are adding three servings of mocha"

Barista: (wink) "be with you in a second, sir"

Dustin: "no, that's it, thank you"

Barista: that will be $6, what is your name?

Dustin: "Strawberry"

Barista: (giggles), "strawberry?"

Righetti: (rolls eyes)

Dustin: "yep, Strawberry"

Barista " ok Strawberry, latte at the end of the counter"

Righetti "large black coffee, please"

Barista "I need a new job"

Righetti "I need a new Starbucks"




By the way, I don't think he was gay

Take on Kids Musical Yoga

When my kid brought home a Kids Musical Yoga DVD the other day, I thought it would be a nice way for her to unwind from a full day while I prepared dinner for her and her sister.  I pop in the video and just listen to the songs from the kitchens.  They all seem innocent enough with some mermaid named Andreanna and her musical partner named Talon singing about sea animals and asking to mimic them in various yoga poses.   The weird thing was when I actually say down to catch the last few minutes.  

Maybe it's just dated but the entire thing feels like it was filmed in San Fernando Valley.  It wasn't just the production value but even the mermaid chick and her long haired musical comrade looked like they just rolled over from another kind of shoot and didn't bother to even wipe up.   They both have that hung-over glassy, 'I am not sure if I am supposed to sing or sit on his face' look, her with the ridiculous eye-makeup and teased out hair and him with that sleazy 'I got a' 9 inch dong' attitude.   You half expect him to pick her up and bend her over the enchanted sea throne to find her magic mermaid pearl 

Overall, I am fine with pornography, but I am not sure I need my three year old watching Lucy Luscious roll her eyes back and watching Richard Pounder standing that close to my kid

if you want to be freaked out yourself, go to http://www.kidsmusicalyoga.com/media/kidsmusicalyoga_demo.wmv

Take on China's One Boy Policy

I have always consider myself pro choice, believing that a woman has the right to make decisions on her body but my defense both outwards, and the one I internalize, takes a major hit every time I think about China.   See, in China with their strong 1 child per couple rules and a strong desire from that culture to have boys, there are million of fetuses aborted for the sheer fact that they come up as XX as opposed to XY.   This (un)natural selection has gotten so bad, that there are now 118 boys born for every 100 girls and having been there a dozen times, it is not getting any better.    Not only are there major societal problems that will lead directly from this disparity (younger and younger girls needing to wed older men, less child bearing women in total) but it is completely awful, in my mind, to make a choice based on it's gender.  

This Asian mentality of female inferiority is maddening and flat out disgusting.  I can only hope these sex craved young men will realize that they also have a choice in this matter..a choice to not out pressure on their wives to bear a boy 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the front in parallel parker

There are not many skills, I believe all humans should posses but i am
convinced people who do not have them are suffering from some of them
may as well have a functioning disability. Forget autism, adult ADD,
manic depression or schizophrenia, i am taking about something that is
even more disabling and probably a larger drain on society.

These basic skills include being able to properly communicate, keep
clean and maybe most importantly, parallel park. I do not understand
how a seemingly adjusted adult can live another wise normal life and
not be able to park a car. This is not a complicated task, it
involves looking over your shoulder and turning a steering wheel. I
cannot imagine living in the 21st century and feeling like three
quarters of the parking spots aren't available to me because they
involve some basic geometry. It is such a basic skill that I have to
assume that anybody who cannot master it, is probably incapable of
many things other functional adults do with ease.

So I propose taking away driver's licenses of anybody observed of not
being able to parallel park at minimum and institutionalizing after
the second offense

Take on the mirror

For all the complaining I so, it would be about time for me to call out my own flaws.   I remember taking my senior photo and realizing that I am completely two faced.  I'm not talking about a propensity to stab people in the back, that is an all together other asset, but the fact that my face is completely asymmetrical.  It's the reason I so often stare at myself in the mirror and wonder what is wrong

My cheekbones on one side of my face are a full inch higher than the ones on the other.  My one eye looks like it's being pulled  down by a small weight and my mouth looks like The Joker meets Stallone, add to that the dark circles, the half grown in beard and the gap between my teeth and I look like a total pervert

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the FIOS cable guide

For months I have realized that I can't stand the FIOS cable-guide,
but was never able to put my finger on why. Last night, I realized
why I had such hatred. For some reason when FIOS designed their
cable guide, showing seven channels at a time, they did not put the
highlighted one on the middle. So there are two channels above and
four channels below which seems completely ass backwards because your
eye naturally gravitates towards the middle of the screen. With seven
channels showing, it would make sense to have three channels above and
three channels below because, well that would be logical. Then again
FIOS is designed to make my life hell, so every time I select the
channel I want to watch, I actually end up watching one channel up
from the one I meant to click on.

Take on the mile marker

There is nothing more cruel to a long distance runner than seeing a
mile marker and realizing later it was misplaced. You run with
certain time goals and unless you have a GPS watch you depend on the
road markers to indicate if you are staying on pace. Well apparently
somebody decided that converting from the metric system wasn't exactly
crucial because today I run past a 10k/6mile sign which is like
telling a chick it's ok to wear flats with a summer dress because the
combo does not compute when it comes to somebody with half a brain

Take on the bike sharing lanes

I am all for bike sharing, bike parking spots and bike lanes but what
I don't get are these bike lanes that run thought the center of cross
town streets. They used to always put them on the right side of
streets but I have seen them increasingly drawn in the middle of the
street which seems idiotic. I get that bikers need to be protected
and I am fine finding ways to make them more usable but this is
ridiculous.
Not only is this completely inconvenient but it has to be somewhat
dangerous to have bikes run between two lanes of cars.
But what is a bigger pain is that these bike lanes make it impossible
to maneuver when there is construction

Time to start using population control

Take on the look street signs

I am not sure what is more dangerous than these stupid "look"
stenciled signed painted on the street corners!! Somebody had the
bright idea of trying to get busy NewYorkers to look up and watch for
oncoming traffic. Not only do they look idiotic but I am sure they
don't make anybody safer

See the problem is that the first time you see this, you may make the
association and look up, but walk past a thousand of them and they
become like the homeless on the subway, something you have learned to
ignore

The truth is that these signs may attract your eyeballs, but it will
probably only lead to people staring down at the street, not looking
up down the street

Take on the Times Square idiots

I don't quite get the appeal to a bunch of tourists standing on top of
the TKTS platform staring at one of those big screens in Times Square.
I guess people love to see their Ohio or Iowa faces plastered with a
big circle around it but to stand around waiting for an hour to see
yourself in the equivalent of a mirror

Then again these are the same idiots who eat at Olive Garden, pay $5
to take a picture with Cookie Monster and watch The Big Bang Theory,

Take on the plastic sunglasses

Somebody has to tell these dudes that stroll around manhattan wearing
those idiotic hipster plastic sunglasses and leather jackets that they
not only look like a complete douche, but they probably should put on
a brassiere for some additional support

I don't quite get the look for these sunglasses because everybody who
wears them looks like they are channeling Groucho Marx. Not only do
they look cheap but they make your nose look like you have a hard time
telling the truth

So put on a bra, take off your jacket and buy a pair of aviator
sunglasses...and stop annoying me


Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Target Junk Drawer

Can somebody explain the appeal to the junk drawer at Target?? I walk
in the other day and as I stroll through the pharmacy, I come across
this one section where they throw their heavily discounted items
together in the hope somebody gets nostalgic for a garage sale. There
were boxes of aspirin, hair color sets, used rubbers and tanning spray
and all of it was offered at the bottom prices.

If they really wanted to sell this dead stock, wouldn't they be better
off trying to display it somewhere with a big 75% off sign? Instead
it looks like the spot they dump all the stuff people bring to the
register and when it rings up, they tell the 300 pound cashier that
they are going to pass on it. Now instead of paying some snot-nosed
high school kid $6 to put it back on the shelves, they just leave it
in a big pile of crap, hoping somebody shoplifts it away. That way
they can at least claim it as a legitimate loss

Take on the odd Mother's Day promotion

I love my mom, I love wingers and I live tight shirts but can't think
of a time I'd like to have all those things in one place at once.
I was at Hooters last week for a...uhm work thing and came across the
mothers eat free on Mother's Day. There are probably not a lot of
places, I'd think my wife would want to be today than the stomach ache
which comes with beer, boobs and drumsticks, and can't imagine a lot
of the non-lesbian moms would either.
I'm by no means a feminist, but I'd have to think the best gift for
mother's is to close the store for the day. This is also the reason
there are no NFL games in May