Forget DWI this is DWC (driving while Chinese

Sometimes China does this very wrong and some things they do very right. In China in order to wipe out a huge DWI issues they got tough and when they did they stopped DWI incidents in their tracks.

The policy is simple, you get caught driving with any level of alcohol in your system and you are thrown in jail. We're not talking the drunk-tank or the paddy-wagon but jail for 15 days. There is no trial, there are no pleas, there is no community service, there is only jail. You don't go home, you don't pass GO and you don't collect $200 when you are caught you sleep on a wooden bench in a cold cell for two weeks straight wearing the same clothes you have been wearing but they take away your watch, wallet and cell-phone so you have no distractions.
Now it may seem harsh but there are also very little incidents of DWI today and a chinese driver will not even take a sip of booze.

Granted they drive like lunatics, blowing through lights and elbowing for position 5 wide on a three-lane highway all without seatbelts so it's not exactly safe.
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One Child Left Behind

In China they enforce policy with an iron-fist, so much so that I cannot log onto TOR from any of the hotels I have been to. Maybe it's all my anti-fish head rhetoric but this is the way they do it. One of the issues they control with an iron fist is the one child rule which in theory would mean a population decrease but as it can't be controlled in the very rural parts where hands are needed to work the land, it has only slowed the growth down.
The issue is that in a 1 child rule country where boys are desired, the amount of aborted female fetuses is out of control. I'm all for a woman's right to choose but I don't agree with using abortion as a selection process. The other issue is that children grow up lonely as they have no siblings but it is worse than that as there are also no aunts or uncles which in turn means no cousins.
So not only is there a real disparity between boys and girls in terms of numbers which leads to young men running out of women their age but the population will depend more and more on social security. See if you have two or three siblings they can all help for the care of an elder parent, but if each family only has one kid than it falls completely on one person to take care of two in their old-age.
Policy of one-child is changing though with a fine imposed for families who have more than one so hopefully the gender based abortions can end., kids can grow up with company and they finally demand some decent food and toilets with a bowl not just a hole.
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Well this is awkward

We have all heard about censorship of various websites in China but when did I tried to log into TOR it was found to be a blocked airport.
I don't think TOR is exactly starting a revolution other than a couple of complaints about crappy food and toilets without a throne to plant my wet ass on but Beijing feels differently. Good news is that there are no limitations (yet) for posts to TOR which are done remotely over email so we are all working hard together to bring you an inside view of a country of 1.6 billion people all of whom seem to have terrible haircuts.

Posted from my BB in Seoul
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Now what the hell am I supposed to do???

I arrive at my hotel today after a long domestic chinese flight and notice those goofball security guys decided to secure my bag with one of those slinky plastic things to keep wires connected. I guess I could feel secure about it as I guess nothing was able to fall out but then again I'm not sure at what point in the process they decided to lock it up. Now it seems logical that I would now go through my luggage to see if any of my dirty tshirts or shit-stained underwear has gone missing BUT I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING KNIFE!!!!

I could use my nail-clippers except those are locked inside the suitcase

I could use a pair of scissors except even thinking of one of those in the vicinity of an airport gets you shot

So here I am broken hearted with the same clothes on my back that I wore yesterday and still 24 hours to go

I am convinced the terrorists have won.

MLIA
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Tasty

When you walk into a restaurant and the above sign sounds the most appetizing you know you are in for a long day. Not only are the cultures, language and customs radically different, the food separates the East from the West.

When you are offered a chicken dish and they bring out an entire fried chicken, head and beak and claws included you wonder where to start.

When you see raw pigs and fried birds hanging in a window of a restaurant even when it's 100 degrees outside you look away.

When they bring a live fish even if you are 1000 miles from the ocean and every river you've seen has a fluorescent glow to it you pray.

When you are given a mystery meat which looks like it could be rabbit but tastes like it could be rat you puke.

The difference in food is so striking because in the US we are spoiled on 'all white meat' chicken sandwiches and raw meat kept on ice. I don't have a weak stomach so I'm not one who fears trying new things but the tastebuds must be so different because the flavors of the sauces is so radically different than the BBQ sauces, Ketchup and 1000 Island dressing we're used to.
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Anti Thomas Friedman

There has been a lot of talk about an artificially devalued Chinese Yuan by Beijing, keeping it low so to help Chinese exports which has been a major sticking point for the G20.. Obviously this has worked for China in terms of their export and output keeping their factories humming with lead-painted toys, TV's, electronic parts and clothes but it has also led to a major trade-imbalance as the Chinese virtually import nothing from the US except for some luxury cars.
With international pressure mounting to let the Chinese Yuan float naturally there is a lot of talk here to who this would benefit. There is no way an appreciation in currency of 10% will be enough to all of a sudden make US goods look cheap on the world stage and thus will have no real impact on US joblessness so to think this will boost our economy is silly.

What it will have is an adverse effect. We know a higher Yuan will make Chinese products more expensive which will only mean a TV or a microwave will cost the American consumer more. In other words American people living on stagnant wages will spend more for the same item they did 6 months prior. When they walk into Walmart or BestBuy or Staples they will pay higher prices.

Now I know there are other factors at play here (posturing, US Bonds, other low-wage countries wanting to get into the action, trade imbalance, perception etc) but I have come up with an idea

We trade China 500,000 troops to send to Afghanistan and in turn we keep the pressure off.
Chinese factories keep working
US Consumers can continue to get fat on cheap Chinese imports
NATO gets some much needed muscle in Afghanistan.


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Midterms

I think we have all seen the direction of the political process in the US with daily scorecard counting and shows dedicated to deciding who won the daily media cycle. I know there is little that can be done about it but this near class-warfare which is American politics has just become maddening as our entire news cycle is devoted to it with informants and leaks and bias. MSNBC and FOxNews have their entire lineups geared up for a partisan battle with characters who make the WWE superstars seem sane. I

One issue I criticized Jr. Bush about vehemently was how involved he got in the politics of his party and Obama hasn't been any better. I know that Bush and Obama were both the head's of their respective parties and the they need a supportive congress to further their policy but I really believe that as a sitting president, your role should be to work the issues at hand and not stood down to working the stump. It comes across as petty and the message is cheapened when you hear Obama rally against the same tired and failed policy when speaking in front of 15 people at some diner in Reno who were probably offered a free prime-rib if they stay.
The POTUS should be above petty daily politics, especially in a time of two wars, 10% unemployment, a staggering economy, crumbling infrastructure and a Yankee playoff loss. Now I know that this is all par-for-the-course in politics but really the man (or woman) when president should get ahead of the fray and not get so actively involved, it only aids to cheapen the position.
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The runs

Riddle me this Batman. You have the runs in China from some kind of fish-head soup or donkey meat and you are practically leaking out of your ass, you run into the closest men's room and you encounter this now what do you do?

Now I know there are a lot of parts of the world where the throne is a luxury they cannot afford but as a freedom having, McDonald's loving, porn watching, beer drinking red-blooded American a seat is not a luxury but a necessity.

Not only is there no seat but they apparently ask you to wipe using your sleeve which when your ass pisses goo isn't all that sanitary or convenient but then again who asked me?
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Chinese Checkers

I have been to China three times since 2008 and can tell you that there are three ways to define the country.

- the Chinese don't think short-term ever. I land at an airport in a city probably 500 miles from Beijing and the drive from the airport to the city is 1 hour by car, you drive past open fields, barren land and empty space. They build an airport where they think it will be convenient in 50 years. All that land will be factories making lead-paint covered toys for our obese kids. This foresight will be great in 5 decades when I'm in my 80's

- the Chinese will slurp and burp their entire way through dinner. It's like going to a concert of bodily noise. Every meal consists of 10 dishes served on a giant lazy suzy and the flavors range from exquisite to enema needing. Every meal ends with a fish, but as we are 24 hours by road from the nearest body of (clean) water you wonder if you are choking on a small bone or a piece of PVC pipe. .

- the blue sky is non existent instead every day is marked my some shade of gray. The hazards in a city like this include the game of frogger the pedestrians play and the game of speed racer the drivers play but also the fact that smoking is not necessary here as you can inhale enough carcinogens from making the mistake of breathing.

But all in all the place is great, hospitality is first rate and the food is never uninteresting.
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The Pregnancy belt

With a back which feels like it's been moonlighting as a sumo-mat, it was time to make some drastic changes. So stuck in Asia I decided to stop using western options (Advil) and try an Eastern option which I figure were acupuncture which scares me for the same reason dirty tattoo needles may or a massage but in Korea I was afraid I'd be forced into some kind of agie-massagie version which I wasn't going to want to try.
So I went for another option...magnets and after some shopping landed on an option which looks like a cross between a weightlifter belt and one of those chicks wear during pregnancy. But I'm desperate and decide to throw it on and before I realize it I'm starting to feel a bit better. Now I'm not sure if it's the 100 magnets shocking positive and negative energy into my back or the fact that this thing is squeezed so tightly around my back that I'm forced to sit up like I'm a school boy but for the first time in a week I don't look like an 80 year old when getting out of my seat.
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No Undershirt No Service

One thing I've never understood is why certain people (European men in particular) get away with wearing the same shirt for consecutive days. People will often give the European male credit for being well dressed -i am not one of those as I think most Europeans dress like they have Ray Charles' vision. The issue here though is not fashion but rather hygenic. How can you wear a shirt for 5 straight days especially since you don't live in a place with perpetual 82 degree weather. Now this is specifically stomach-turning when you realize that...

-that same dude who is recycling his wardrobe for a week is also not wearing an undershirt which means that their button-down is also acting as their sweat-mop but this is even more disgusting when you consider that....

-europeans wear tight-clothing so on top of wearing the same shirt for a week straight sans V-Neck you are also not allowing your skin to breath. Now if this is not enough to make you want to vomit all over your AXE deodorant stick then realize

-that European's also have notoriously saggy skin on their sacks so just realize they might be sitting there free-balling in their black Levis that his balls are probably french-kissing his inner thigh
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Facetime

The newest in new technology is Facetime, the video chat system on the IPhone 4 which -in theory- lets you talk to compadres across the country, across town or across the world using the IPhone's WiFi capabilities.   It's a pretty cool system and the reason I finally moved into the 21st century and bought myself a real smart-phone.   Now I'm not giving up the BlackBerry, I would rather give up my left hand, but I have in three short weeks thrown myself completely into this 'new' Apple craze.   

This Facetime option seemed too good to pass up and a few days ago I had my first Facetime Faceoff and let me tell you, it was more than a bit awkward.   My buddy 'called' me and we kind of had this uncomfortable few minutes of face-to-face conversation while both watching Monday Night Football.   Now it's not that the system didn't work -it was near flawless- but what it does do is make for the most uncomfortable few minutes of your life.    The beauty of being on the phone is that the other person DOESN'T have to look at you, you can take a piss, brush your teeth, scratch your nuts or turn on porn but now with this concept of Big Brother hanging over you, it was as if I couldn't do anything.   When you are watching a football game with your friend you aren't staring at his mug the entire time, that would be incredibly weird but with this new media that is exactly what you are expected to do.    What Apple didn't realize is that this does not make for a normal social setting, nobody ever looks at another person the entire time when they are speaking, especially if it's two dudes trying to relax after a hectic day.

But even more frightening is the fact that the way Facetime is set up is that you see both the image of the other person but also a smaller image of yourself and I do not have to tell you that looking at yourself is mind-numbingly weird. 

The issue is that some of us don't have perfectly symmetrical shaped heads and when I look at the twisted image of myself I start to notice my one eye being about a 1/4 of an inch higher in my face than the other one.  It's like I'm the fat male version of Shannon Doherty and it is completely distracting

After about 45 seconds we both decided that we are better as normal phone friends and turned the cameras to broadcast from the back of the phone (IPhone 4 having two cameras) so we didn't have to sit there looking at one another.

Back in action

About 2 weeks ago my life changed.   Now i'm not talking about something as great as the birth of a child, your wedding or a new episode of MadMen but rather something that changed the way I operate day-to-day. 

I don't know what it was but I must have picked up a bag of bowling balls or something because for the last 10 days it feels like my buddy Kenny Conway (a heavyweight) decided to tap-dance on my back.  I can't tell you exactly what did it but I can tell you that I can't pull myself out of bed in the morning.   My eyes tear up -like they do whenever I watch that one scene when Ara Parseghian yells at the kid 'if you had a tenth the heart of Ruettiger you would have made all-American"  

but this isn't some come-back story that makes you feel good, no this is the same kind of debilitation which ruined Larry Johnson's career, apparently you need to have a decent back to be able to do a grandma-ma dunk but you also need a functional one if you hope to get out of a car.   It honestly feels like somebody is stabbing a knife into my back every few seconds and it doesn't seem like it's triggered from anything other than just moving it.   You spend the entire time worried that you may be overcompensating something else and before you know it you go from being a power-hitting first-baseman to a guy who hits .300 but slugs only .350.

The issue is that rest doesn't seem to help which might be due to the fact that I can't really ever get proper rest but mostly because laying down stiffens it up like a 13 year old with a beta-max player and a Samantha Fox video.

12:50AM

Can somebody explain why on earth there is a flight from JFK to Seoul which departs at 12:50AM?

Now you may say that a late flight like that may mean than you get in at a normal hour when you land but that wouldn't be the case. See not only do you leave after midnight, you also land at 4 in the morning, so neither side of the flight makes any sense.
I fly overseas more than most people and can usually recover more quickly than most, when I was younger I thought it was cause I had boundless energy so I just rallied through it all, now in my mid-thirties, I just look forward to the 14 hours of quiet time on the plane but landing at 4AM makes any chance of getting off the plane and feeling normal virtually nil. You can't go and work that day as you'll collapse before lunch, if you hit the hay you'll rhythm will be completely off and you'll never catch up.. So my new theory is sleep whenever you can cause if nothing else you'll get some sleep cause there are many night when you catch yourself staring at that CNN red alarm clock
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2:06pm

I am not one to complain....well that is not entirely true. Yesterday while meeting a friend for brunch, I parked in front of one of those mini-meters. At 12:06 I paid my fare, $0.50 for every 12 minutes or $5 for 2 hours and went on my way.
You can imagine what happens next or more what doesn't happened. I don't look back at my watch until about 2:10pm which is 4 minutes past my meter, I sprint over the car knowing the chances of amnesty were slim. Of course when I get to the car at 2:14 I'm greeted with the sight of the dreaded orange envelope jammed between my windshield and wiper.
Now I won't complain about getting a ticket as I had obviously over stayed my meter but when I look at the ticket I can see it was issued at 2:06PM and there was no meter-maid in sight so they were already well off this block. Now it could be a complete coincidence but my guess is that this meter-maid saw the parking ticket was about to expire when he or she walked past at 1:50pm and then waited around and issued the ticket as soon as the clock struck midnight.
I know NYC is trying to find ways to refill its money coffers but the thought of parking attendants waiting at somebody's car hoping to catch somebody running ate is sickening. How about a 3 minute grace-period (which I would have missed too) or at least a fair shot to miss a ticket.

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Is there a bigger scam than the Visa?

I'm not talking about the credit-card with the high APR which got you suckered in as a college kid but the stamp you have to get in your passport for the privilege to fly to a country.

I have spent 10 hours trying to get a visa for a flight to China. There is a ton of paperwork including some invitation letter you need to apply but at the end of the day the process is a complete rubber stamp. At the Chinese consulate they probably process 5000 of these per day and there is no way they are doing anything more than a casual look. The issue isn't even the inconvenience but the fact they charge you $140 for the process.

You pay them to visit their country, buy their goods and services and eat their horrible food and drink their EColi stained water. As if the Chinese don't have enough of our green-backs, there is no rhyme or reason to the process other than greed.
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the predicted break down

How many times have you heard about the guy whose engine stall or his AC goes out about a week after his 3 year 36,000 mile warranty ends. It's funny how that works but there is a real truth to it as many poor schleps can attest to.
I can't imagine some dude working on the assembly line at Ford is personally manipulating the engine so it's shelf life is particularly shot as I think it had more to do with an inherent manufacturing problem with the car companies not putting enough energy into high-quality products instead allowing their loyal customers suffer.
Well the auto companies have obviously had a rough go at it lately but there are many reports that they are finally producing a high end project (fingers crossed for my Ford Escape) but the phenomenon of items breaking at an expected rate is not limited to the cars.

My wife and I got two crest automatic toothbrushes about a year ago.
Wouldn't you know it that after about 15 months bother toothbrushes broke within a week of each other. It was as if we participated in one of those science fair experiments where some teenager tries to figure out which light-bulb burned out quicker.

There has to be something to this predicted breakdown thing. There is no way to explain how two toothbrushes fail at almost exactly the same time.
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the exhaust

What the hell is with motorcycles..   I'm all for looking cool, having the wind blow in your hair (or maybe against your helmet) and cruising on a easy Sunday afternoon but there is NO reason why these aholes drive around a normal neighborhood with their exhaust pipes manipulated so that it sounds like you are standing inside of an airplane hanger.

I was talking to a guy who rides bikes the other day and he tried to make the case that the loud exhaust was so that you could be noticed on the highway.   Now I understand these guys don't want to get run over by a semi-truck while on the road but this is not about that anymore.   Yea you drive a Harley or some rice-rocket but it doesn't matter.  I know you probably belong to your local ice-tea party or some hip-hop gang but you are also a menace to society.   You are what is wrong with civilization, the thought of you getting run down by a semi actually sort of intrigues me.

These guys are the equivalent of the guys driving in their souped up Honda civic or the guys who decide it's necessary to blast terrible hip-hop out of their leased luxury cars as they roll down the streets of Brooklyn.  They are antisocial schleps who are there to disturb the peace.   This is the way that people who feel they don't have a loud enough voice can get one. 

Now I'm not a total fuddy-duddy but this behavior is akin to taking out your big unit and pissing all over the sidewalk.  Yeah people might not say anything as they might think you are some HIV riddled crack-head but you better believe that if you got hit by a bus there would be at least a couple of giggles in the crowd

 

the fall of porn

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the sad elephant

So Brett Favre is up to his old tricks...well not quite.

 

The hall-of-fame QB has recently been excused for send out lewd pictures of his package to a Jets employee while he was briefly employed by the team.   Now the fact that he's basically the face of the NFL as well as father and a husband doesn't obscure the fact that there is a much bigger issue out here. 

 

It's been a few years since I last tried to pick up a chick but I can tell you the thought of sending her a picture of my junk never would have crossed my mind as a viable pick-up line.  Brett Favre is 42 years, his balls are probably hanging so low he can play hacky-sack with them, his entire package probably looks like a really sad elephant plus being a white dude is he really going to be that impressive?

 

But the bigger is something completely different; have you ever seen a picture of a male unit?    It's absolutely disgusting looking, there is not one part of it that makes me think a chick would get all hot-and-bothered by seeing it.   I can honestly say that if I were a chick I'd be going the vagitarian route knowing that the one-eyed snake is the alternative.   It's to the point that i'm surprised that there is an procreation going on at all and the entire human-race probably owes a big thank-you to the distillers of Jack Daniels, Stoli and Jose Cuervo.