Take on Keith

I should give credit where it is due because I saw this on the Twitter feed of Mike Francesa fanboy @RNs_Funhouse but what the hell is up with the Keith Hernandez photo on the Fox Sports Network? I am a man who has had his face mushed by an Enterprise employee photo, so am aware that this kind of thing can happen but this is a near Hall of Famer, one of the best fielding first basemen in the history of the game, you'd think they'd do a slightly better job with the photoshop cause he looks like he ate Gary Cohen.

Take on Tiger Woods

It's over, it's over, it's over

Tiger Woods missed the cut at the U.S. Open this weekend which will mean that for the fifth time in his career he missed a cut at a major. A lot of people will talk about his swing coach, his putting or his short game but anybody who pays attention is that this is not a golf thing. It has nothing to do with a knee injury or a back injury or a head injury this has to do with a unit injury We are not talking about him breaking his penile muscle but the fact it isn't getting enough strange. His unit isn't getting enough work.
Tiger needs to stop worrying about his driver and start worrying about putting his driver into a bunch of hot young coeds. Ever since he got caught by Erin he has looked more like Jack Nicholson than Jack Nicklaus

Take on the news media

Twitter went nuts today after the apartheid loving kid shot up a black church asking why the media wasn't taking the white community to task like they would have the Muslim or Black communities had it been one of theirs.  It is true that most of these mass murders are done by a bunch of disgruntled white kids in the 15 to 25 year old age bracket but nobody takes their communities to task for breeding hate 

Twitter had stuff like this 

@Kon__K

https://twitter.com/Kon__K

In which white community was he radicalised? Are there more white terror cells? When will moderate white leaders act? #CharlestonShooting

@RLM_3

media won't say tomorrow re: #Charleston: 1) This was domestic terrorism 2) Gun violence is out of control 3) Black lives matter

11:42 PM - 17 Jun 2015

But our issue was different and more specific to the coverage over at the DailyNews

The photos they used on there web page this morning where three scenes.  The first one was a photo of their printed front page with two people hugging in grief, the second a zoomed out photo of some dude with a Dumb and Dumber haircut and the third a huge up close photo of a black dude.  It was as if they were implicating the black dude in the tragedy more than the psychopath who was the actual perpetrator.  

Either put the victim front and center or put a zoomed in photo of the dork with the bowl haircut but WTF this was criminal. 

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Take on BVLGARI

I walk through airports or into hotels or down 5th avenue and for the life of me I have no idea how to possibly pronounce BVLGARI. Not only is their stuff ungodly expensive, you can't even tell anybody what you night without sounding like you are clearing your throat.
I don't care as I will never pay that kind of money for a watch or a bag or a pair of socks but I guess it would be nice to know how to possibly string together that many non vowels together. This is what Ukrainian must sound like, I don't even know if the letters are all capitalized or if this is even a word you are suppose to actually say out-loud or if this is like Latin?

Take on The Donald

Sorry, for the back to back political posts but when the Internet
breaks, we have to take note

Donal J Trump threw his toupee into the political ring today with
disparaging comments about everybody and anybody. The chances of him
winning has to below that of another Donald, the blabbering duck kind
but still he gets attention and we cover it. I don't quite get the
love affair but even we are slaves to entertainment and he is, if
nothing else, that.
But the most outrageous part is that he will somehow translate this
into more money and fame and probably will get himself a couple of new
chicks out of it.

Take on the primary race entry

Is there anything less exciting than when one of these guys who has obviously been circling the presidential wagons decides to formerly throw his or her hat into the ring? Everybody has know that Jeb Bush would be running for president since his brother won election nearly 15 years ago but he came out today with big fanfare and a marching band to formerly announce it. I get that this is all pomp and circumstance and that we'll now spend the next two years dissecting these morons like they are an earth worm and we're a seventh grade biology class but if Jeb or Hillary gets you excited, I can't imagine what a blue pill and Rick Santorum will do for you.

But the Libs have a bunch of old has been a (Hillary, Pataki, the crazy guy from Vermont) and the GOP has a who's who of guys you don't want to run your country. Let's hope for a change they elect Mickey Mouse because the entire field is about as dull as being a wedding guest at the Waldorf Astoria

Take on the moveable business class

Flying on an inner-European flight on a 737, it's amazing to see what the actual difference between the business class and the economy class is. The entire plane sits three seats across on both sides, the only difference between the front of the plane and the back is that if you paid double the fare, you are guaranteed that nobody sits between you and your row-mate as you don't get any additional luxury or room. The seat is exactly the same, the leg room is identical to the economy plus and the food can't be much different
What is the most amazing is that they can increase the size of the business class by literally moving the partition back any number or rows. This flight only has two rows of business class but if they just unlocked the handles on the partition they could easily bring it back to row 7.
So for an extra $1000 you can be assured to have no seat manage, which seems a bit excessive....until you get a whiff of the Eastern European body odor of my neighbor. There is no partition big enough to separate that stink.

Take on LeBron's junk

I know we are late in this and everything could be said probably has but we must ask one question about Lebron's junk. I have not seen a lot of black men's junk but is it me or does he have a bit of bi racial color tone? Forget that NAACP chick, when they first aired it we thought that the entire thing must have been a mistake because no way does that dude have junk the skin tone of Kevin Love.
We also noticed that the little Aussie point guard was staring right down there, I think this was an obvious setup

Take on the Senate's Seersucker Day

Forget the new trade agreement, constant battles over Obamacare or disagreements over employment numbers, yesterday a bunch of grumpy old white men and a few equality grumpy and equality white old women decided that they would politics aside and don seersucker suits to the Senate. I get that it's one of these cute traditions like a first year senator not taking the floor for some undetermined amount of time, the serving of bean soup and the annual Rand Paul show where he stands up and doesn't got to the bathroom for 28 hours straight but these grumpy old men have to realize that they get completely washed out by the seersucker suit. There is nothing cool about a pasty John McCain or Chuck Schumer or God forbid the whitest man know to earth, Mitch McConnell, in light threads, the only one who might have the complexion to pull it off is Boehner but luckily I don't think The House does this

Take on The Wine Rack

Whenever you hear somebody disparage innovation and question whether the USA has lost its edge, point them to what is arguable the greatest invention known to man. This is a flask hidden inside of pump up bra. Think the Reebok pumps but instead of $120 horrible looking sneakers, you get a huge rack and a place to hide your booze. There is at least one chick I know who has probably already ordered a couple of them already, one in lacy black, one in flirty white and one in hot red

The only issue I can see Mr. wonderful having with this is that as you drink the booze your boobs get smaller but we can figure out a way to love with that, too.

Take on the weird photo op

I get that being the leader of the free world is a stressful job and I can appreciate having a laugh or two but is it necessary to see the picture of Obama sitting on a bench with Angela Merkel showing the world how large the president's VP really is? With the background of the alps and a Forrest Gump bench the leaders of two of the largest economies in the world had a little fun at the expense of everybody who have suffered because of and everybody who would have suffered had they not implemented some kind of QE.

But one thing is for sure, Angela looks impressed with the president's recovery package

Take on the $10 drink

I walked into the supermarket his week and in the vegetable aisle, right next to that weird redd leafy salad thing was a new collection of fruit smoothie drinks.   I walked over trying to decide if I'd buy one for lunch tomorrow but was stopped in my tracks immediately. It wasn't the combination of kale, oregano, hemp seeds and acai that made me gag, it was the price tag.  The regular price for a 16 ounce drink was $9.99.   This isn't a freshly squeezed health shake at Equinox, this is some prepackaged compost shoved into a plastic bottle and labeled for some hippy.  For $10 you'd think that you would at least get a nice glass bottle because nothing screams organic like a PVC. 

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Take on the delivered donut

Last week on international donut day the world's largest donut maker announced it will further aid in the destruction on its customer base. Not only does Dunkin' Donut deliver gluttony wrapped in chocolate and sprinkles,
they will now literally deliver it. The donut empire is eyeing a delivery service which will mean that you won't have to get off your fat ass to increase the size of your fat ass, because even less exercise is what this country needs

Take on the escape note

Two murders escaped a maximum security prison last night using power tools, boring through walls and pipes making it over a six foot catwalk into the great wide openness which is upstate New York.
The miraculous escape made for a real life Shawshank Redemption ending but past the fact they were able to confuse the bumbling guards using stuffed pillows and a Rita Hayworth poster they added a bit of Vern Schillinger in there with a racist note of a smiling buck-toothed Asian man on the way out.
What is more impressive to me than the escape though is the penmanship on the note and the ridiculously straight lines and perfect circles. Whet the heck did they find time to draw with such precision and care, I couldn't draw that with a computer. The escape plan must have taken them months to complete, the letter another week.

Take on the Port Authority commuter chat

You spoke and Port Authority listened, or at least that is what they will have you believe in a few weeks. They put together some commuter chat this week and there was nobody at the tables, which somehow gave the impression that people are happy with The Port Authority. But this was a case of a very strategic "reach-out", one designed to get the least amount of people to actually stop and give their opinions. See instead of advertising this for a month, they just showed up on day, but a couple of tables down and invited people to talk. What they also did was schedule it for 5:30pm on a weekday, right in the middle of the evening rush when everybody is dying to get home knowing there will be tons of delays, on a miserably overcrowded bus after standing on an endless line getting rain water pissed on you from the ceiling because, well, this is Port Authority.
But the PA will inevitably put out a report stating that only 2% of riders complained which only means that exactly 2% of riders stopped probably because their bus had burned down.

Take on The Dad Bod

The latest craze sweeping the country and making MILF's drop their panties is the Dad Bod and apparently I should be able to win the award for Mr. Dad Bod of the year 2015 without much work.

Apparently somebody has taken notice of what real dudes look like and decided it is the latest look. A combination of low muscle tone, eyes filled with stress and a bit of a beer gut and Cosmo is saying it is time to flaunt it. I can embrace it if for no other reason that as a father of three young girls, even the idea of working our regularly is exhausting. It's not that I am too busy or too tired or too old or too content but the combination of all of it really makes you realize that you want to be alive to see your kids grow old but you don't care about looking like Don Johnson while doing it...actually the Dad Bod is exactly what Don Johnson looks like today.


Actually the more I think it it, it it isn't such a novel idea, people for years just called it the Kurt Russell.

Take on Chris Christie

When Chris Christie decided to participate in the Boomer and Carton WFAN True Blue game? He probably thought he was doing something nice for the families of three slain police officers, and was hoping for a little positive publicity in return
Well we hope the event was a success and we know that Christie for some publicity, we just aren't so sure if it was positive. He did make contact and played some infield which wasn't Daniel Murphy awful and he did chat it up with a bunch of other politicians and celebrities but what really stuck out was his gut, or rather his gunt
Chris Christie somehow got shafted by Al Dukes and got handed Jerry Rello's uniform instead of his own because the one he was wearing made him look like a walking pear. No man should be able to have his head turned around and have the same physique on both sides. Christie walks around like he has an ass on the front and the back and I'm not sure his Tyrannosaurus Rex arms can reach to wipe either one.

His presidential hopes went up in smoke last night disappearing into the dark Bronx air because nobody wants a president who looks like he's constipated from the back AND the front

Now stick to trying to fix this state and the unions and the property taxes and the no shopping on Sunday thing and the traffic and the busses and the rest of the hell that I live through everyday...just keep your hands off the bridge

take on a National Travesty

There are some events that we can't just let pass by without a comment.  Nobody decides that this is the year they need to repaint the Sistine Chapel, nobody remakes The Beatles Revolver with the expectation that they will improve it, nobody decides to Beethoven's 7^th sonata needs a redo but somehow Hollywood has decided that it alone has to right to try to recreate great art..

Whether it's Mad Max, Planet of the Apes, Dawn of the Dead or the Longest Yard, it is so apparent that the screenwriters in Hollywood are so untalented and the producers so unimaginative that every major movie is a redo.   We could sort of live with those but we cannot live with the travesty that Hollywood is now threatening us with.   They are talking about remaking The Greatest American movie of all time with The Rock of all people playing the part of Jack Burton, the toughest son-of-a-bitch who ever walked this fine earth played by an absolute goon.    I'm sure they'll ruin it because, well, they will always ruin it..  

I get that these no talent hacks are just looking to profit off of great theater but this super-fan will not spend his $14 on this travesty.  You don't remake Mozart, you don't repaint the Mona Lisa and you don't fucking remake Big Trouble..

I hate Hollywood

 

TOR has found the following petition (http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/stop-the-big-trouble-in-little-china-remake) which we suspect was started by Baby Stu, we encourage you to sign it, log onto a different email address and sign it again, get a Hotmail account and sign it again and then send a flaming pile of dogcrap to The Rock's house.. 

Take on the TSA

When I read that the TSA had failed to detect a bomb 67 out of 70 times, I couldn't say I was shocked. There really are no organization in the world less interested in doing anything useful than the entire TSA system. I travel a fair amount and when it comes to the check in line the entire thing looks like typical government work. Fifty people standing around looking at each other and nobody taking any real responsibility. Yeah they will make some grandma take off her shoes so that she is forced to stuff her arthritic ankles back into her Velcro low tops or make a child put her Knuffle Bunny through a big scary machine but God forbid they actually stop somebody from smuggling a f&$@ing bomb onto a plane. This is typical of what happens after a national crisis, big government decides it is time to get even more bloated, inconvenience everybody and strip away their rights and sometimes dignity in the process.

Here is a novel idea, get these guys away from behind heir big stupid machines and get them to do some real detective work with dogs and tips and all that fun stuff.

Take on Bruce Jenner Dickinson

When Bruce Jenner came out today officially as a Caitlyn Jenner our first thought again was "here we go again, another hippy parent butchering a great American name by adding a random y in there although I am happy that they didn't throw a K in there instead of the C because that would be the epitome of horrible parenting "

After that initial shock passed my second thought was, how after this is all of this that Khloe is still the ugliest Kardashian chick?

But we are happy for Bruce/Caitlyn. The body looks pretty good actually, the face still looks a bit like Janice Dickinson 

Yu

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