Take on the minivan

I found out the hard way why a minivan is designed for a mom of three to pick up a bunch of kids and bring them to soccer practice and why it shouldn't be used for off-roading.

After taking a turn off of the main road, we found ourselves in the wilderness today, bright but mountains, green and hippies. The world looked peaceful but exciting and for the first time in years, I did what any Griswold was born to do, I took the road less travelled. The issue was that my 250 feet of gravel travel lead to the back tire of my 2014 Honda Odyssey springing a leak almost immediately which ended my off road adventure about 100 paces off the main road and I then spent the rest of my vacation day editing on AAA

Oh. The life I live

Take on the family trip

Every year when we decide to pick up the kids and head off to a week of R&R, it feels like the worst idea in the world. We pack up the minivan with more crap than most families in the world probably own, pull out of the driveway and before we hit the stop sign at the end of our block, one of my kids has to pee and I am ready to snap.
It's not just the right quarters, it's the whining, meaning, complaining and fighting what makes me want to stop on the side of the road, stick out my thumb and hitchhike to Idaho. I don't know how others do it, but I am not a patient enough to father to do this and not want to jab myself in the urethra with a used squeeze pack

Take on the police robot

The existential question of the day wa whether a police force should resort to warfare by using a robot to kill a murderer who is actively engaging in a bloody standoff taking out innocent people

I'll make this easy on everybody. Hell F'n Yes

Kill them

Take on the Trump Fundraising machine

Yesterday, the NY Times had a story about Trump finally picking up a bit of fundraising steam with a $26million dollar haul which was better than before but still woefully inadequate when it comes to competing against the Big Blue Machine. Almost immediately Trump had his one tweet asking his supporters to donate to his campaign. This took away the one endearing thing about Trump, the illusion that he was self funding this thing and that because of his he couldn't be bought. Obviously that was always an exaggeration at best but at least it was something that was at least partly believable, be when he is cozying up with Big Banks and Big Money, he loses the higher ground and that might be the crack this country will need to break down his Mexican wall of isolation. Then again, the TOR editorial board has been wrong on Trump more often than we've been wrong on bad tuna.

Take on Kim Jong-un's gigantic fave

I caught a tweet today about some new sanctions we are hitting North Korea with because of their disregard of anything humane. I won't get into the nuisance of the policy other than to say that Kim Jong-Un should be taken out with an exploding cigar, or in his case maybe an exploding pie.

Why is I find interesting N was that the photo of Kim that the NY Times used for their tweet was just a gigantic face, it's like they are mocking the fact that the dude has a head that would need a 38th parallel to encompass is fully

So Kim, have fun with even less crap especially in light of the stories that came out last week that it seems that even China has started cutting back on delivers into The North. But you better believe that the new Fast and the Furious ends up streaming into Kim's bedroom over torrentz.eu

Take on scromboid food poisoning

I went to lunch today at a place I eat at often, sat in the same seat I always do, had the same glass of water with lemon I always drink and ordered a tuna wrap which I often get. I'm there on a business lunch and as I take my first bite into the tuna, I think "this doesn't taste right". I added some extra sauce and chief down the rest of it and had my normal cup of coffee and continued my work lunch.
But all of a sudden, I felt like I got hit in the head by the flu, if the flu was wrapped in the Zika virus and fermented in Malaria juice.
I went from being able to concentrate to feeling dizzy and light headed, and just uncomfortable. I cut my meeting off short and walked back to work, aware that the bright sun was bothering me more than normal. I get to my desk and a buddy walks past and asks me if I'm ok, stating that my eyes are bloodshot and my entire face flushed. I look down and my arms look like they are morphing from fat cute kid Michael Jackson to freaky kiddie touching Michael Jackson. My stomach is red as a lobster, my arms are covered in hives and my entire body is shaky. Within a couple of minutes my arms look like Gorbachev's head and I decide to hoof it to my doctor. I run into the office and run into the bathroom and proceed to shit my brains out, like you are sliding into first and you feel something burst. They shot me up with prednisone and sent me home.
I walked back to work and got a car to go home and rest. The rash sort of spread and got worse and then better and then worse but by 5pm it was almost all gone.
My first thought was that I could be allergic to something but that would an odd thing to figure out at 40, especially when I ate the same food from the same place I go to often.
I did a bit of research and it sounds like there is some kind of scromboid fish food poising from eating rotten and detaining large finned fish like tuna and the symptoms sounded exactly what I went through: flu like, dizziness, face flushed, hives on arms and torso, short term but forceful diarrhea and facial rash.

My life is not very good

Take on the New World Order

Everything is right with the world again, the economy recovered from Brexit, France kicked the crap out of Iceland, my balls don't hurt that much anymore and Joey Chestnut is back on top of the competitive eating world.   I have to say that when they started the hot dog competition a few decades ago, they never imagined that a human would ever be able to put down 70 dogs and buns in a sitting. 

In 1978, the fourth year they had the completion, two dudes tied to win it by both eating 10 hotdogs   I knew a kid in High School who had 15 grays papayas in a single sitting with onions and kraut, I could even put down a 10 spot back in my college days. 

Now these guys are eating the equivalent of a calf wrapped in burrito.  

I'm just glad an American won it. 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the pedestrian flow zones

The people behind Times Square must read TOR (or any New York bitch blog) and started putting up these signs to show slow walking tourists to keep on moving and get the hell out of the way. I'm all for the idea, and even would consider forcing all of these cheeseburgers from Wisconsin into a pen like they are doing to the muppets and naked Cowboys.
Maybe they can just designate areas where they can stand and have crossing guards try to et them from one pen to another

Take on the Ball Drop

A few weeks ago I was a happy, fertile forty old dude who would easily run six miles without any kind of support for the boys. I've always hung low, but somehow playing hacks sack with my sack while walking or running never bothered me, that was until I decided to go from fertile to infertile by having some quack cut my sack open.
After a week, my balls have that "20 minutes after having been kneed in the nuts" feeling. This sort of dull ache that never subsides. I also can't walk around without having some serious support, think of a chick with double D's jogging, that is what I feel like all the time now. On top of that, my sack somehow sunk further than before, I swear the bottom of my sack now touches the top of my knees. I am thinking the vas deferens was actually keeping them pulled up and now that I've cut the cord, they are just laying on the bottom of my scrotum and any slight movement means they are getting flicked.

My Life is So Incredibly bad

Take on the Black Lives Matter leader

I read an article about one of the leaders of the Black Lives Matter movement who was warning the Clinton campaign that they should expect protests at the convention

What I found most entertaining was not that DeRay McKesson has capitals where there shouldn't be and lower case letters where there should but that he apparently operates out of Aspen Colorado, easily the whitest white town in he affluent world. You sort of lose credibility when you are skiing on $1500 skis on a $350 per day ski pass
This is worse that that white chick who was the head of her local NAACP chapter

Take on the b.a. Sweet candy company guy

Travel to some random Midwestern airport and you may see a sign of some dumpy looking balding man with clothes which are two sizes too large in his late fifties holding a gigantic lollipop and asking you to follow him to his special place. Maybe I am just a cynical New Yorker but nothing screams child molester more yet somehow some genius in marketing through that this made sense.
Not only do I not want my kids to follow Mr Sweetie, I want the FBI following him.

Take on the new scientific study

USA
USA
USA

There is nothing is that makes me love my country more than good news and today a very prestigious academic institute proved again that there is no country greater than the US of A. Apparently our women have much bigger boobs than any other place is the world which shouldn't be a surprise because, well, we are just that much better.

The average cup size is a full D!!! Oh Baby

Take on the hottest day

There is no worse day in the world than a hot and humid one in NYC.   The streets smell, the homeless people smell and every single person standing on line at the Port Authority smells.   Of course this is also the day that all those stinky people at Port Authority are squeezed together like a pack of sardines because the crappy commuter buses inevitably break down on a day like this.   So here we stand with 300 people crammed together waiting for any sign of life as we all stare at some piece of garbage bus which has about as much hope of getting out of here as a guy has of getting it up after having his vas deferens cut open like a squealing pig. 

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Take on Brexit

After four days of turmoil, the British people are realizing what a huge disaster this Brexit thing is, most notably the fact they are single handily sinking the global economy with their little Trump moment. I get that most of them were too stupid to think of the consequences and now we're left with aftermath which is about as much fun as getting your vas deferens sliced open by a quack. I get that they all want a do-over and for the world's economy, I'd be all for this but I feel like even if they did get a do-over, there has to be some kind of penalty. You can't pull the fire alarm in a school and just say 'I'm sorry'.
I think that if they do vote again and if this time they don't do something idiotic and the crazies stay home, they should be forced to adopt Trump

Take on the "proper OR attire required" sign

The last thing I remember before they cut my manhood last week was a sign on the door of the emergency room which stated

NO ADMITTANCE
Restricted Area
Proper OR attire Required

What I'm confused at to this day is what the OR stands for in this sentence. I realize that I am an ESL student, but what the hell does that mean?!? "Proper attire required" would make sense as you wouldn't want a cowboy strolling in with assless chaps but the OR really confused me. Do you either have to be proper OR required to be dressed which I guess is sort of the same thing.

Really, I'm not sure.

Take on the Famous video

If there was ever a collection of 12 consenting adults I'd less like to share a bed with than the collection in Kanye's orgy video, I'd be shocked. He only combination which seems less attractive than Donald Trump, Chris Brown, Bill Cosby, George W Bush and the other star of Kim Kardashian's sex tape it would have to be Stalin, Lenin, Mao, Booker T, Jeff Van Gundy, ARod, anybody who was involved with Batman forever and a little Ted Cruz mixed in.
I get that just us talking about this is exactly what any Kardashian wants, so we realize that we are part of the problem and not the solution but seeing collection of misfits in one room would make me hope that if there had been a nuclear holocaust and these were the last people on earth, I'd root for extinction.

Take on snip snip

It's 1pm and assuming everything goes as planned, TOR will be well on its way to being rendered useless in the baby making department. I have to say that originally inhale some pause, mostly about a surgeon with unsteady hands or some unlikely swelling of my grapes to make them the size of grapefruits, but after having spoken to enough people I'm pretty confident that all should be good to go

We'll try to send an update tomorrow morning of me sitting at my desk with a sack of frozen peas on my lap.

Take on the mystery message

Every once in a while I will get a phantom message in my iPhone inbox. It will come from "no sender" the message will have no content and the date will state 12/31/69 which is either 53 years into the future or 47 years in the past but either way I'm not sure sure I don't want whatever level of scab covered immune busting herpes infected Zika which comes with opening this thing

Take on the spanking of a banker

In the US when a banker gets let go because of poor performance, he usually finds a soft landing using a golden parachute but in China things are a bit different. Forget bailouts and payouts, in Rural China when a banker underperforms he gets publicly spanked with a wooden paddle and that sort of sounds right. The big banks basically sunk the economy with their risky bets and crap AAA bonds and a couple of years after we bailed them out they are all sitting pretty again drinking champagne at their white parties in East Hampton. Except for one or two guys, nobody went to jail or was fined or anything substantial, they all just skated and after a few months in exile they were all brought back with open arms to sink the economy again

So maybe it is time to look East and take them to the mat to start publicly beat our bankers with a paddle when the F up, I nominate Gary Sheffield to man the paddle.

Take on Mohammed Ali

I love the Daily News for a a lot of reasons, none more than the fact that they just don't believe in editors. In a post yesterday about the Father's Day tributes of the children of recently departed celebrities the discussed those of David Bowie's kids which must have been incredibly touching as they lost their father in the last year, a man who offered so much and died way too young. Their words were filled with the hurt of a child who buried their parents and it felt real because e knew and loved David Bowie. The other celebrity they discussed was one Mohammad Ali and the touching tribute from his daughter Laila which just flowed from the heart from a girl who lost her dad. The problem is I have no idea who Mohammed Ali is, probably just some dude living in Egypt or something

Take on the NBA finals

I have not watched an entire (non NFL) sporting event the entire way through in nearly a decade. I may catch the occasional quarter of basketball or inning of baseball and might even watch a little tennis or a couple of holes of golf but there is no way that I am spending 3+ hours of my life sitting around watching anything not football.
With that said, tonight I may break my streak, if for no other reason there is just nothing as exciting as a game 7 in all of sports, and this one could go down as one for the ages. A 73 win regular season team with a unanimous MVP coming off of a championship season vs. a player whose skill set has never been matched by an NBA player in it's history. He does everything well, everything except win championships. If LeBron wins, he vaults himself into the top 5, if he loses he should be there too but people won't give it to him....but unless he totally craps the bed tonight, he needs to win finals MVP honors, win or lose

Take on the rescuers deer

Somehow a deer got stuck in a bathtub in Colorado and more shocking it became news across the country as his seems like a cat fight in a tree situation. First of all, the entire photo looks photoshopped which would be he kind of thing you'd see somebody spending time doing if it lead to something cooler than Bambi in a bathtub I also can't quite figure out where the "rescue" part came in since a my two year old could easily get out of a bathtub but I guess there is more to this thing, like maybe the bathtub is actually a slaughterhouse and the deer is actually a cow.

Take on the fallen Meatloaf

I just heard that then "I would do anything for Love but I won't do that" singer collapsed on stage yesterday and thought immediately that this was going to be terrible year music. Prince, Phife Dawg, Bowie and now Meatloaf

Luckily the big fat Blues Traveller looking loaf wasn't dead but I have to think it won't be long. The last time I saw a photo of him he looked like Chris Farley right before he croaked

Time to finally tell us that one thing you won't do for love.

Take on Hot Coffee

For years I was just worried about spilling my McDonalds drive-thru coffee on my lap and burning the already least attractive part of my body but apparently that shouldn't be my biggest fear. My biggest fear should be the fact that said scolding hot coffee can burn cancer into my throat which sounds like even less fun than introducing Little Righetti to the furnace.

I often drink scolding hot coffee, not because that is how I like it but because that is the way that Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts serves it because, well, coffee should be served hot. I guess I will have to ask them to leave a little space so I can add an ice cube in the future

Take on Trump's decision to revoke the Washington Post's credentials

I will often say that we throw around Hitler comparisons too easily, a practice which when made about a modern politician cheapens the memory of the people affected and distorts the level of evil that was 1930's and 40's Naziism.  When people said it about Bush, a president who I despised by the end of his term, I condemned them as there was nothing that approached the level of evil that fascism stands for.  When people said it about Obama I said the same and I've held the same position for all politicians running for the highest office in the land this time around...until now 

Even though Trump's behavior is erratic and his statements vile and abominable, I still chalked it up to a lunatic who was appealing to the lowest common denominator in today's bare knuckle politics.  But when he stripped the Washington Post of their credentials because of an unflattering headline I was shocked.   This wasn't the first member of the press he threw off but it is shocking in that the Post is one of most respected newsrooms in the country.  

The pulled credentials were over a headline which Trump said implied he was tying Obama to ISIS which after reading Trump's comments, the headline probably wasn't far off. 

"Look, we're led by a man that either is not tough, not smart, or he's got something else in mind,  And the something else in mind -- you know, people can't believe it. People cannot, they cannot believe that President Obama is acting the way he acts and can't even mention the words 'radical Islamic terrorism.' There's something going on. It's inconceivable. There's something going on."

Trump could have asked for a retraction or an apology (although I don't think either was warranted) but to pull the credentials from the Washington Post is insanity, we're not talking about the National Enquirer here.   

Never before have I seen an politician have this kind of gall and yield this kind of power and to think what this can lead to if he were to be elected is frightening.   

This country is based on a few tenets, and one of the most important one might be the checks and balances we have.   Some of those are held by our government of elected and appointed officials but just as important is the job of the press.  If the press cannot get access to our politicians, they cannot do their job which is a job that is crucial to a free and open society and that is Gestapo-esque. 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Orlando

After Paris people changed their Facebook pictures, after Brussels they did the same but after Orlando, I wonder how many people will do it to show solidarity with a community in shock.   The issue is exactly what I feared, this would be seen as their tragedy and not ours in much the same way that gang killings in the inner city is seen as their problem.   People don't want to be confronted with horror, so we all quickly compartmentalize, but that coping mechanism is quickly seen as indifference and in many ways it is.   

But what is the most complicated is that this is not something that happened to them, it happened to us.   We don't choose tragedy, if chooses us.   Time to turn your Facebook profile pictures to an American Flag, preferably one with rainbow stripes held by Mickey Mouse 

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Take on the Google Storage Plans

I started backing up all my photos on Google Photo which has been a godsend because it allowed me to finally clear out my phone. I was confident in it because it was a) Google and b) a great app and so I happily paid them $1.99 per month for a hundred gigabytes of storage. The problem was that today I finally hit my 100 gig limit, actually I got to about 135gigs which was my real limit as I accumulated a bit more storage over the years by doing some random sign up things.
So I go online and figure I'd have to shell out an additional $1.99 per month for another 100 giga but that's where it got weird. The only option after you've hit your 100 gig storage point is to go to a 1 terabyte storage plan for $9.99 per month...a dollar increase of 500% Now I don't need a terabyte with of space, especially not today but there's no other option. I called customer service and hey confirmed that they would not allow you to stack two separate 100gig plans together. This seems odd since I could easily buy another 100 gigs using a different gmail account but on the one account I use (and store all my photos), I am stuck with only those two options. Either limit my photos to get under the 100gig number or increase my spend by 500% for 900gigs of space I don't need at all.
It's like dealing with the cable company

Take on the Orlando Club rampage

Nothing is scarier than the thought of being trapped in a dark packed club with a madmen unloading rounds from an uzi into the helpless crowd and these madmen know it.  Whether it is in Paris or at that movie theater in Colorado or in the club in Orlando, the shooters have figure out the best way to instill terror and kill as many people as efficiently as possible using every thing at their disposal 

What I am the most sad about is that I'm afraid that in this case, the country won't rally around this like the national tragedy it is, solely because it happened at a gay club.  You can already see the comments online which are often muted and not fully engaged 

We've come a long way but I just know that this will not be seen as our tragedy, it will be seen as theirs by far too many people. There are likely so many people who will seem ambivalent to this and some will even see it as justified and that will be the ultimate tragedy.    

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Take on the slam dunk case

Sometimes I get breaking news and think to myself, was this worth the bandwidth?
Just yesterday I received one that say "NJ woman who beat 94 year old grandmother to death gets prison". I have to think that that must have been expected, right? Although in a world where some college swimmer can get a slap of the wrist for rape, nothing should be taken for granted.
But I guess I am happy that justice was served, now let's hope her fellow inmates can help continue to serve justice.

Take on the renewed Dump-Trump movement

The primaries and caucuses are behind us and the nightmare the GOP was hoping to wake up from has turned into their new reality, their standard bearer is a loon. I think they all hoped that somebody, anybody, would come out of the dark forest on a white horse to save the day and skat the dragon but Trump has taken on all they threw at him and there is really nothing they can do about it. Yes, there is always the idea that somebody will come out of the woodwork and run as a third party but even that seems less and less likely and I think the GOP is resigned to a bloodbath and then spending for next four years regrouping.
But there is still a movement which you hear bantered about with them keeping the nomination from him at the convention somehow. The issue is that as much as I fear for our country, he won this thing thing fair and square and to change the rules now by adding more super delegates or to change the voting or something will be worse and there will be an uproar. The party leaders like Paul Ryan and little Mitch will have to suck it up and eat their broccoli because they cannot take this way from a guy who despite his unbelievable unfavorable ratings, did end the primary seasons with more votes than any of the other muppets they had up on the stage and has ended up with more votes than any other GOP candidate ever. He deserves to see this thing through, even if he brings the party to its knees in doing so.

Take on T-mobile

I switched to a T-mobile wireless plan a few months ago and have been very happy with the service overall, especially in NYC. It is faster than AT&T and with unlimited data, I am finally able to use my phone without worry. Travelling overseas is also great with free unlimited data there (albeit on 2g service, 3g would be extra) was awesome. Lastly, the price is hard to beat when I went from $140 per month to about $60 on a family type plan. All in all it's awesome

The one drawback is that when you get out of the major cities, the service gets spotty. I was upstate last weekend and I lost service right as we passed the Donald J Trump state park and this week travelling I have had a couple of times where I go from spotty to straight out "no service" in a matter of blocks. My hotel room for example had literally no service at all, although I did get AOL type service in the hallway and perfect service in the lobby.
Not sure what it is but it might be time to upgrade some networks or at least let us piggy back onto AT&T or Verizon.

Take on Norman Seabrook

Anybody who listens to talk radio in NYC has heard commercials for the Correction Officers Benevolent Association and they thus know Norman Seabrook as the voice of those commercials. They've always seemed odd to me as they are often spoken words over a heavy bass line almost like bad poetry meets worse hip hop and often pushing the limits on context of what you'd ever officially expect out of a union. It was even odd that there were commercials at all, you don't ever hear other unions put money into that unless they were in the midst of some kind of contract disputes but Seabrook as the star of those commercials probably saw value is raising his own profile...

We weren't surprised that this megalomaniac was apparently profiting illicitly off his role with demands of $150,000 to move some of the association's member money to some hedge fund.
So here is to you, Norm, we hope the correction officers in the joint take good care of you.

Take on the Newark Delta Business lounge

Flying out of Newark has a few benefits over LaGuardia, coming from New Jersey the commute in the morning is slightly shorter and without a bridge or water crossing it is a bit more predictable. You also have less fog and the air traffic backups, which still have the potential to be terrible, are generally a little better

That is where it stops. As a Delta frequent flyer, the flights out of Newark are limited so it isn't much of an option and when I do fly out it always feels like you are the overlooked younger brother to the big bad United bully. Even that I can live with but why is becoming the biggest drag is the lack of a place to sit while you wait for your flight to board. The terminal hasn't seen an upgrade in decades, the shops are limited and the food options are high school cafeteria level.


But it doesn't stop there, as a frequent flyer I can at least get away from the herds by ducking into the business lounge but at Newark, I'm always shocked by how poor Delta's business lounge is. Not only is there absolutely nothing worth eating, the entire place looks like it's dropped directly from Beijing into Newark. The lighting is poor, the seats are stained and the view is of the back of the terminal. They have two TV's the one that isn't just a Delta sign is no bigger than 28 inches and the staff looks like they could be held there against their will. There is a sign boasting "an improved Delta Sky Club coming to EWR" with a target date of Winter 2016 which, considering winter has come and gone doesn't give me much hope unless of course they mean we'll get one for Christmas.

Take on the David French non presidential bid

I guess we won't have a French Revolution after all.

Yesterday, National Review columnist David French declined an option to run for president which sent shockwaves through the system. Well maybe that is a bit too strong since he probably has less Twitter followers than Frédéric Weis and is probably less recognizable than Paris Hilton's third cousin's boyfriend's brother. But it did remind us all how little influence Bill Kristol seems to have. It's not that anybody thought this Frenchman had any chance to win, let's be honest Pepé Le Pew has a better chance of being president. The issue is not that he would win, it is that he may have been able to disrupt the process enough to ensure we don't carpet bomb Nice because our new president feels insulted that his new Mediterranean hotel lost a court case.l on air rights

We need somebody to jump on the sword here and to ensure we don't start World War III over a perceived insult. The issue is that whoever it could be would have to either be incredibly wealthy or be able to very quickly tap into a massive fundraising network
But looking over the landscape it doesn't look very promising.. Bloomberg is out, Romney too, Mark Cuban us too busy arguing with Mr Wonderful, Zuckerberg doesn't meet the age requirement, Buffett is over the age limit, Bill Gates is a lefty, Elon Musk a foreigner and I think Ross Perot is dead

Take on The Donald J Trump State Park

Everywhere I go, I see signs that we are closing in on the apocalypse.. 'My entire Twitter timeline has been cluttered by Trump for a year, the view from my hotel in Seoul was directly at a Trump Seoul Grand and when I drove up the Taconic this weekend I passed by a state park named after him too. I did a bit of research and apparently Trump donated (and took a $100 million tax write off for) the property after purchasing the property a decade earlier for $2 million but not being able to get zoning for a golf course. It is completely undeveloped and supposedly has asbestos filled buildings on the property, so it now sits as a sort of upstate version of Chernobyl.

The sad fact is not that Trump already has a state park even before he has ever done anything as a statesman or patriot but that it come right after the Franklin D Roosevelt state park about 10 miles before it.

What the hell is wrong with us

Take on that big ugly middle finger building on the NY skyline

I'm the furthest thing from an architecture snob but I have to say that there is really no uglier thing on this green earth than that new residential building called 432 Park. The design is uninspiring and the fact that it almost looks taller than iconic buildings like the Empire State Building and the Freedom Tower is just...wrong. It is like the architects, and the Chinese buyers of the apartments, are giving the middle finger to the city. You just can't build a building as tall as the Freedom Tower, and the idea of some building throwing a gigantic shadow over Central Park is the biggest middle finger of all..

Take on the teacher student sec scandals

Where the hell were all these hot teachers who put out with students when I was in High School? I'm not sure if the numbers will bear out that the incidents of female teachers has increased over the last decade or so,but it certainly feels like that. Ever since that one teacher was caught banging the Filipino looking student and having his baby, it seems that every week a teachers is caught banging a male student and they are getting no hotter loping. I know this will sound bizarre but truthfully, I don't think society cares. Now change the sex of the student to female and the sex of the teacher to male and all of a sudden all hell breaks loose, but a woman teacher taking advantage of her make student carries as much umph as a wet dream.

Take on bad offers

When you get an offer to see Ray Romano AND David Spade for "an evening of hilarious banter" it is time to finally retired the old Hotmail address. I always thought that nothing in this world could be less funny than David Spade but I guess I was wrong because somehow adding Ray Romano makes me want to go from stabbing myself in the urethra with an ice pick to wanting to stab myself in the urethra with a rusty ice pick

Take on baseball"athletes"

I have not watched a baseball game in years. I am not taking about an entire game, I am taking about actively watching even an inning or two. It is not that I hate the game, it is actually a great game, but I hate any professional sport that is played (and excelled at) by slobs. The best players look like any schlep in my neighborhood with their beer bellies, double chins and shitty mustaches. This might be considered a sport but it is not athletics since the amount of athletic ability needed to excel at it is right above cricket

They should all be hung by their balls and swing at my midgets

Take on click bait

I shouldn't admit this to advertisers but there are certain embedded ads that I cannot not click. Get me a promoted story on the world's thinnest wallet or most detailed globe and I have my credit card out before the page loads but the ones I'm most susceptible to are the ones that read "these female celebs have the hardest time keeping their chests stuffed into a tank top", "the ten hottest sex scenes in a movie" or "which female celebs have had affairs with chicks". Granted these lists are usually cluttered with the chick from Murphy Brown or so they are not as interesting but even knowing that I have to click.

Take on Kristin Cavallari

I know almost nothing about Kristin Cavallari other than she's been trolled by Gawker for longer than just about anybody has ever been trolled and she is married to a guy who killed my fantasy football season a few years ago, other than that I have no idea who she is or why is famous. What I do know is that she is apparently a completely tone death bimbo which I have concluded after reading a single Instagram post she made today. It shows a bed, a cup of luke warm coffee and three individual feet, presumable the perfectly pedicured Miss Cavallari, her equally perfectly pedicured husband Mr Cavallari and difficult
to tell how pedicured Baby Cavallari with the caption "thankful for the men and women who lost their lives on this lazy #memorialday morning".

And then it hit me...maybe she's the one trolling us

Take on patriotism

Memorial Day has always been a bit of a odd holiday, 99% of Americans use the long weekend as a reason to open up their pools and get started on their suntans on a weekend which should commemorate the soldiers who fought and died for our country. I get that this isn't the only case like this, I always thought kids should go to school on MLK day because at shook they could actually learn about the great man whereas at home they will likely watch reruns of I Love Lucy and Mama's Family like I did as a kid.
But you gotta love the patriotism of the guy at today's Pepsi 600 who matches his jorts and America Budweiser can with a back burn in the shape of Old Glory

God Bless the USA

Take on the waistline

One thing I will never understand is why a guy who looks like a pear would strive to look more like one. Chris Christie who we last covered as part of a hostage tape, was walking the boardwalk in his beloved New Jersey yesterday and for some inexplicable reason, he did it wearing dress pants hiked up past to his belly button. I'm not fan of heavy dudes but there is something sort of endearing when you see a dude heave his gigantic gut over his belt like Dan Conner but when you see a guy like Big Chris just go with the 52 wide pants and wear it over his belly button it just looks like he is still being tortured by Trump, it is really the only explanation because a dude can't possible be comfortable with both a front and a back wedgie, even if Christie is built like a 60 year old lady.
Surprised he wasn't sporting his Make America Great Again hats

Take on the slob who soaks in his hottub on the dock

Guys who own boats should all be shot, there really aren't a more arrogant group of people.
I'll never really understand the joy of boating as I tend to find leisure activities that do not involve me wanting to puke. The entire, I have a boat that burns 100 gallons an hour that costs more than your house just screams dooshbag. But what hat I saw today took the cake. It is 90 degrees in NYC and I catch some gavone drag out a hot tub onto the dock of his crappy marina. You can't be content with your BMV, silicone girlfriend and fifty foot yacht, but you have to show the rest of the world that even when it is 100 degrees outside you will sit in your fucking hot-tub

Take on the shooting at the T.I. concert

There was a shooting last night at Irving Plaza and we were just happy to hear it didn't happened during Francesacon.
The weird thing is that at 6pm I saw an update and it sounded like they made an arrest which is great but I swear it took me four times to understand the headline
It read "Troy Ave arrested after deadly shooting at T.I. concert". .

I may be showing my age here but have no idea what a T.I. is and I am still not sure if Troy Ave is a place or a thing. I'm sure the shooting was completely called for and justified, so I won't go into any of that but who I really feel bad for are the fans, because they didn't have they opportunity to watch T.I. perform and nobody should have that T.I.'s art taken away from them.... Oh yeah I also feel for a bunch of kids who went to a concert and could've gotten killed because of some stupid hip-hop pissing match

Take on Matt Harvey

Everytl time in his career that Matt Harvey has taken the mound, the city has stopped to watch. For the first few years it was to see an absolute bulldog dominate, then last year it was to see how the pampered baby handled criticism and this year it is just to see how badly the Nationals will beat him. Sportsradio has been calling him out for his weak psyche, lack of mental fortitude and overall disposition but I think this comes down to something more real...as my boy @RNs_playhouse had pointed out, Harvey is one fat slob.

We're all aware that you don't have to be a superb athlete to be an effective pitcher, take Harvey's teammate Bartolo Colon for example whose weight users around three bills yet he still pitches effectively at age 42. The thing is that guys Colon, David Wells and CC Sabathia were always loads and they have perfected their craft by using their girth to their advantage. Harvey looked liked an athlete a few years ago when he was still young and hungry for success, now he's just hungry.
Stay away from the Twinkies and cheese doodles, Matt, and start acting like an athlete

Take on the futuristic bridge

Some dude decided that maybe it was time we started on that future we were promised as kids. He came up with his fantastic idea to build two Verrezano sized triple decker bridges that would span from NJ to Queens allowing the biggest much of bridge and tunnel dooshes to be able to have a natural mating path.
I can't tell you about the viability of this plan but the supposed timeline (60 months) seems more sensible that the expected timeline of digging a tunnel (60 years). It could be done relatively cheap ($20 billion) which would be have immediate funding for 75% of it and it would solve an immediate problem (suffocating congestion coming into the city for yours truly)

With all of the success of the highline, maybe there is something sort of pleasant about having the ability to walk above all the riffraffs on 34th street which is what the third deck in the triple decker would be used for. The second deck would be for buses which would alleviate congestion in the tunnel and allow people to.get off in midtown and the bottom deck would be for train lines with a stop in midtown sort of like that train thing at the Detroit airport.

Take on babysitting

I was out two weeks ago with my girls at a diner when a woman came up to me to tell me what kind of incredible job I was doing babysitting my kids. My first thought was, look lady thanks for the compliment but this only looks pleasant because I have bribed them with ice cream and thrufully it doesn't look like a gigantic battle royal because I have threatened them with taking away all TV privileges, their IPads and their cell phones for a month..and to.send the dog to the pound

I'd do it too, I'd take it all away and more...no G-Chat or Snapchat or CatChat or anything and they will not be going on any dates either. We will just sit home and converse which really means that they will be staring at a big hole in the wall after I have ripped the TV off the F'in wall in a fit of absolute rage. They will ask why they can't have nice stuff and I will bitch about all the sacrifices I have made for them and how they don't deserve it.

I thought about letting the nice lady in on the secret but I just smiled and thanked her for her kind words as I kicked my oldest in the shin and strangled my middle one with my arm while shoving chocolate covered French Fries in the mouth of my youngest

I am like Homer Simpson just less charming

Take on the two lions

Two days in a row we get TORs about animals euthanized while their humans who may be to blame walk free. Yesterday a horse was shot after breaking a cannon bone in a race before the Preakness and TOR asked why they didn't shoot the jockey since he was also hurt, too Today a story out of Santiago got our attention when two lions were euthanized after they mauled a 20 year old who had jumped into their cage in an apparent suicide attempt. I don't quite get why they kill the lions, they are doing what they are born to do, kill weaker animals. That is like killing a cow for grazing or a cat for purring.
So the suicidal moron is now in some hospital and probably will get a Diane Sawyer type interview out of this yet the two lions who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time get killed. Makes sense

Take on the euthanized horse

Pimlico had three tragedies happened today. Tons of frat boys lost their beer money betting the favorite on wet slop, one horse collapsed and died after winning an earlier race and another horse broke his canon bone and tossed his jockey coming around turn 4.a and was eiuthanised
The horse who won the race apparently had as massive heart saying attack but I guess that happenes when they pump tons of drugs into these inbred horses. The second death was tragic in another way because the horse just took a bad step and tripped throwing his jockey off him breaking the jockey's collarbone. They then drive up to the fallen horse, throw a blanket over him and shoot him which I guess is considered humane although I think it without only have been fair to do the same to the broken collarbone having jockey. They certainly find it would bring people back to the track