Take on the Anthony Mason-Biggie Smalls- Fat Joe bizarre love triangle

For years there were rumors of which NY Knick Biggie Smalls was referencing in his "I got a story to tell" song released posthumously. Everybody sort of assumed the lame ass Knick who allegedly got robbed by Biggie at gun-point after the fat man banged the Knicks girlfriend was Charles Smith or Patrick Ewing because whoever it was came across as a total loser.
Well Fat Joe outed the unknown Knick last week on some lame sportstalk in Miami and to everybody's surprise it was Anthony Mason, the second biggest badass on the Knicks. A guy who was a hustler in his own right and one who nobody would want to meet in a dark alley...but I guess if you have a story to tell, you better make it a good one and holding Chris Dudley or Greg Anthony at gunpoint doesn't exactly have the same effect.

Take on there too tight tanktop

I read an article today about a Canadian woman who was kicked out of her gym for wearing a tanktop that was deemed too tight. I can't tell you any additional specifics other than from the photo which showed that she was in fact a hot chick and was also wearing a tight tanktop. So the gym was probably accurate in their description of her outfit but past that description I'm lost. As a person who has spent a fair amount of time at the gym, I cannot imagine a better selling point for a gym located 1000 miles from any hope for summer than a bunch of smoking hot heavily tattooed chicks prancing around all sweaty in tight tanktops, then again maybe this is a gym similar to NYSC one where I got oggled by a bunch of sweaty muscular dudes in tight tanktops in the men's locker room years ago.

Take on Mitt's Never Trump campagin

Well that didn't last long!!
Mittens Romney, the star of a couple of failed presidential campaigns and the son of another failed presidential hopeful has somehow failed again as he tried to drum up support for a third party candidate. This was always odd with a desire to throw over the GOP coming from the most established guy from the establishment.

Not only did his NeverTrump not ever gain any traction it only lasted a week or so longer than Scott Walker's run for president, and was somehow even less successful. This is hard considering Walker went from TOR tournament pick to outcast in about three weeks.

I guess the writing was on the wall when Spencer Zwick, a GOP mega fundraiser and the guy who Romney has called his "sixth son", met with Trump last week to discuss campaign strategy. We always knew that this entire NeverTrump thing for Romney was always just an ego trip with him setting up the stage with his hope that the GOP woikd come begging him to give it over more run for the good of the country. What we all knew was it was a trip nobody wanted to buy a ticket for, we've already seen Kansas City twice, no need to see it again

But give Mitt credit, at some point he had to realize the train was leaving the station and he was gonna be left standing there in his pressed jeans and loafers, so he got up and walked off

Take on the Democratic Kentucky primary results

With 86% of the votes counted, Hillary Clinton leads Bernie Sanders by about 3400 votes but somehow the likely photo finish will not be the story. The story that I'll always remember about the Kentucky primary of 2016 will be that the was done dude named Rocky De La Fuente who somehow got 1500 votes. I have no idea who this De La Fuente guy is and maybe I'm severely underrating him but when your name sounds like a mash up of washed up boxers and equally washed up VJs, I can't take you that seriously
But anyway, good luck to De La Fuente and the other corpse who somehow got in the race Martin O'Malley, thanks for perhaps playing spoiler

Take on the weapons and ammo cache

I got an alert today about a police arrest of some Trenton man who they found in the woods with a large cache of weapons and ammo. They found him in combat gear in some place called Pinelands somewhere in New Jersey which before today, I assumed was only the place where Paulie and Christopher shot a Russian. Apparently though there are other crimes going on there, too and today was a day the good guys win. What got me though was not just the weapons they recovered which included an AK-47, a 9mm handgun, eight 30-round magazines, a 100-round drum magazine and other ammunition but rather the Hitler 'stache that the suspect Bruce Post III was sporting. Anybody walking around with that thing should be executed by the state on the spot because there is no reason they should be breathing the same air as the rest of us... I'm looking at you Michael Jordan

Take on the front page NYT article about Trump's treatment of women

Well I will never get those thirty minutes back. I just spent the better part of a half hour reading the NYT piece about Trump's treatment of women and feel like they should send me my $4 back. I am far from a Trump supporter but this article had absolutely nothing in it that should have surprised anybody.

Trump is a sleaze..check
Trump likes hot chicks..check
Trump want said hot chicks in teeny tiny bikinis..check
Trump probably banged a bunch of Miss Universe contestants..check
Some of those chicks now regret that..check
Trump used his celebrity, power, money and influence in his conquests..check

There was just nothing new in it and nothing remotely surprising, or quite frankly interesting, about the piece and it was put out for the NYT Sunday readership so I doubt you had a lot of Trump supporters who read it and thought.."maybe this guy isn't this mythical defender of women's rights I've been made to believe, well I will not be voting for him anymore and instead will vote for Hillary Clinton because her husband Bill is one who believes in women's equality and would never force unwanted attention upon anybody"

Take on the 2020 election

We aren't even close to swearing Hillary into office and airway the GOP is looking at their batch of candidates for 2020 and they look remarkably similar to the dorks we got in the 2016 version a movie which who nobody wanted there first time around and will want even less there next time around. Just looking at the three front runners (Rubio, Cruz and Paul Ryan) makes me want to shove my Rand Paul bobblehead doll through my urethra. I know that Ryan hasn't ever actually run and lost yet but that's like saying that Justin Bieber hasn't been in rehab yet.

It's not much better for the Dems who will probably try to convince the crazy grandpa to give it another run.

Time to find some candidates that don't totally suck... I'm not holding my breath

Take on the last name that start with an i

Is the any chance that Twitter and iOS can get rid of their crappy sans-serif font and upgrade to one that distinguishes the capital i from the lowercase L because how the heck are we in 2016 and when you see the name Kim Jong Il, it is impossible to know if this should be Kim Jong i-l or Kim Jong the second. (Thank god there is only one although his head is big enough for two or even three Koreans)
Just today I saw a tweet about some backup running back named Iosefa and it took me three looks to figure out it wasn't Losefa.

Time to figure this one out

Take on the slow.news day

There are says when the tabloids headlines write themselves and the are days like today where the tabloids should just shut it down. I read a headline that said that Ivanka Trump loves and respects her dad and all I could think of is... How is this news?!? She's been staple by his side at visit every victory speech, she's been a surrogate wife in some ways as Melanie might be mute and she holds a huge role at Trump inc. And, oh yeah, and she is his daughter.

Time to start digging up some new dirt on Donald's mistresses or find his tax returns because I can't go through six months of this dribble

Take on the Times Square serenity tent

I go to Times Square to see Elmo and Mickey and a bunch of chicks with body paint but lately something had stopped me in my tracks. In the middle of the crossroads of the world is some weird hippy serenity tent made from fake leaves and weird white posts. The sign reads something to the effect that it allows you to decompress and hide away from the connected world which is short of ironic because every a-hole tourist was in there taking selfies. I'm not sure if this is a permanent structure but if it is I'd hope they let dogs back into Times Square too to give it some real natural feel

Take your serenity tent and shove it

Take on the new Bud

Budweiser in their infinite wisdom decided to rename their beer "America" for the summer. This is a good marketing ploy in the sense that Americans love shitty beer and love shitty marketing, so it should be a raving success. But am I the only one who sees the grand irony of a product from InBev, a Belgian based brewer, named America?!? That would be like GM calling one of their cars Tokyo or Nickelback changing their name to USAback.
I'm sure they'll hijack a good John Cougar Mellencamp song and feature lame ass Brett Favre in a commercial or two..Let's just hope he doesn't whip out his little packer

Take on Sarah Palin

Forget the Lame Stream Media or the Hope-y and Change-y stuff, Momma Grizzly has somehow gotten even crazier, weirder and less appropriately dressed. She was on CNN last night looking like she ate old John McCain a it seems those midnight Klondike cars have finally caught up to her. But even that wasn't the worst of it. It was the fact she was dressed like a high school girl wearing a weird shoulderless top, showing her bra straps which at 25 pounds part her prime just isn't that attractive.

I get that she's no longer a public servant so she can obviously dress like she'd like to but if she ever goes to be considered for any job that doesn't involve serving buffalo wings, she may want to consider dressing her age..... and her weight

Take on the solar panels

There is really nothing uglier in this world than a beautiful center hall Colonial with solar panels on the roof. I get the value of them in terms of money savings and obviously their value in curbing greenhouse gases but there had to be a better way because they absolutely ruin an otherwise beautiful home. It is like drawing a mustache on the Mona Lisa or playing Beethoven Fifth on a recorder at Carnegie Hall. We need some serious. beautification laws in this neighborhood because this is an eyesore

Take on Andy Murray 'stache

Andy Murray beat Rafael Nadal in some random tournament in Madrid which I guess is a big deal because Nadal never loses on clay and never loses at home but that was sort of burying the lede. Some how the Englishman decided that this was the time in his life to start sporting a nasty porn star mustache because I guess being a lanky, bad teeth having doofus is not that marketable after all.

That thing looks like a ferret died on his upper lip

Take on the subway ads

Never one to pass up money, the MTA tears ah started selling every last inch of free space to advertisers. First there were only ads for Dr. Zizmor, then we got a bunch of low rent GrubHub ones and now we are somehow stich with an even worse one, namely the ad for a holiday shopping sale at the NY transit museum gift shop.

First of all, give us some ads that are at least somewhat timely and even if not and you must have holiday ads please at least give us something festive. I cannot tell you how annoyed I'd be if my wife got me an MTA hat for Christmas.... Especially if it was given to me in June.

Take on the taco war

Forget the presidential election, Trump and Hillary are apparently battling over something more important... Tacos. I have no idea which positions they've taken but I'm sure it is something as asinine as Trump liking corn tortillas and Hillary preferring hard shells. Although as Gawker pointed out, underneath Trump's taco shell salad was a photo of his ex wife in a bikini, let's hope that Hillary isn't going to give us a glimpse of Bill in his speedos.

I can't believe we are stuck with these two

Take on the Cruz and Kasich suspended campaigns.

I guess we got Trump and it is time to start drinking.  I'm not saying po the champaign but probably would advocate for some bourbon in  dark room.  I actually saw a street vendor today seeking Trump buttons and he was talking to somebody and I overheard him say "I can't we got this guy, this is just crazy, we are all screwed"   this coming from a guy who makes his living selling Trump by bumperstickers and red hats.  I guess what is good for his business is not what how he would vote such is commendable, I guess but either way w got Trump

To be fair as of this publication, John Kasich had not officially dropped out of the GOP race but he might as well make it official when he refused to get into the plane to Oregon today cause Lord knows he had no interest in hanging out Columbus.   But the bigger news was probably Cruz dropping like a wet turd into a overflowing bowl about 20 hours ago.  I will let Politico and the pundits digest his failed campaign but I think it came down to one thing... If both Trump and Cruz were highschool kids, one would be wearing a varsity jacket and the other would be telling the teacher that the varsity jacket wearing guy cheated on the math test.  I guess if we had to put Kasich into the analogy then he would be the fat kid at the cafeteria shoving as many Twinkles in his mouth as humanly possible. 

But anyway, to me the results of the final race were obvious, Cruz is so incredibly unlikable that he never really had a path to the nomination and Kasich looks like he has Tourettes. 

I can't believe I'm saying this but "I'm with her"

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the hardest working man in show business

Antonio Cromartie called Eddie Murphy today and told him that it was time to get himself fixed, because apparently there isn't a cornerback (of piece of latex) in the league who can cover him.  Maybe Eddie just loves kids or maybe he is just to bif for magnums or maybe he just loves child support but when I read that he just had his ninth kid, I just scratched my head. 

When I was a kid, my buddies and I would drive to Alpine and drive past Eddie Murphy mansion, a house that was so big you had to drive around the block to see the entire front and then one day he sold it to Alicia Keys.   We always assumed that he had gotten tired of it and wanted something new but maybe the truth was that it wasn't big which for his growing family.  

 

This is Murphy's ninth child. The 55-year-old is dad to Eric, 26 (with Paulette McNeely) Christian, 25, (with Tamara Hood Johnson), Bria, 26, Miles, 23, Shayne, 21, Zola, 16, and Bella, 14 (with his ex-wife Nicole Mitchell) and Angel, 9, with Spice Girl Melanie "Mel B" Brown.

What is more (or maybe less) impressive is not the sheer quantity but how goddamn busy Eddie Murphy was between 1989 and 1994. Granted this probably also coincides with the height of his popularity, so he was probably getting delirious with a ton of chicks and apparently doing it raw basically every Saturday Night live in New York and then running over to get busy in Beverly Hills too. 

I wonder if when he was getting called weekly from random chicks if he tried to get some some schmuck to trade places with him or put on some fat man disguise to avoid it becoming public news in which case he may have a few other ones we don't know about.   Either way it would have been great to hear him get chewed out about his infidelity by James Earl Jones 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Ted Cruz's take on Caitlyn Jenner

In a few days when he loses Indiana and drops out of the GOP race -and hopefully our lives- for good, Ted Cruz will need to figure out what to do with himself. Maybe he will pick mahjong or maybe he will start knitting but either way he should do something because I would hate to see him planning for a revival in 2020. I guess he'll probably go back to Washington licking his wounds and spend time lunching with some of his old buddies like a Marco Rubio and Rand Paul but we all know that this won't fulfill poor Ted's insatiable need to be a prick. What Ted will need is an outlet, something that he can use to speak to his people. What Ted Cruz needs is a blog and I got just the name for it TakeOnTedCruz.com.
Just today he decided to go all in with his transgender bathroom position and singled out Caitlyn Jenner. His argument was that allowing transgender people to use the ladies room opens up the possibilities that sexuall predators could find ways to get into a girls bathroom in a Chucky Cheese's even if the had been no evidence that this is a major or even a minor problem. My argument to his "grown men shouldn't be in the bathroom with little girls" argument is that maybe grown men shouldn't be in the bathroom with any little kid, there are just as many perverts who pray on little boys as little girls. I sure wouldn't want a Catholic priest in the bathroom with one of my friend's sons or my nephew.

Take on puff daddy

Sean Combs announced today that he was retiring from music which was only surprising in the fact that we all assumed that he was retired already. I don't follow modern hip hop but I have to imagine that the last album this guy dropped of any significance was in about 1999 and somehow we all survived. I have nothing against Puffy, never have, but the audacity to announce you are retiring from something you haven't done -well- in two decades is laughable. Nobody will miss you, chances are that nobody will even notice but we wish you all the luck in the world at your next endeavor whatever that may be.

Take on the CSPAN coverage

Watching CSPAN is like watching paint dry but I have never quite seen it as bad as when I turned it on today to try to catch the White House Correspondents Dinner. I am used to seeing them have a lame camera looking into congress as they are waiting for some lame procedural vote but somehow literally watching a bunch of old white men have dinner is worse. This has been going on for hours already and they never change camera angles, so I have seen this Jennifer Aniston looking broad's ass for twenty minutes straight. The chick in the back is pretty hot though

Take on the odd Daily News ad

Clicking onto the NYDailyNews website today I came across a weird pop up ad. It looked like some ad trying to sell me into a new refinanced mortgage but tried to get me to click on it by showing a gigantic breast. Now I am all for breastess but it's not what it is on my mind when considering a 15 year loan with a variable rate but then again I am not in the mortgage field, so what do I know.

Take on Morning Calm

I've heard of Morning Dew and the Calm Before the Storm but when I was ready to board a 14 hour flight today, I heard something I had never heard before. Apparently Korean Airlines has a five tiered boarding process. First the elderly which means a bunch of women wearing colored jump suits, Nike's and perms. Then children and pets, which means that every Korean Paris Hilton gets on board next, then they go Sky Elite so those losers willingly spending 100,000 miles per year in a fish-can get to board but then they shocked me when they announced the next tier was "Morning Calm" which made no sense at all. I guess this is for people who are not expected to give the flight crew any troubles until morning which is like getting a gold star for good behavior and finally they allowed the cattle to board like a herd getting ready to get slaughtered for Kalbi Thanks Korean Air

Take on the CNN cafe

I'm always shocked when I am in a foreign country and they have a cafe or restaurant named after some random corporate entity that would not seem normal in the states. I would not be particularly interested in having a ham sandwich at the Tampex Bar and Grill, I am not exactly dying to get a hot dog from the Viagra's Dogs and Doooogs truck and I can't tell you how uninteresting getting an Americano served by a guy who looks like Wolf Blitzer at the CNN cafe. I will probably choke on a pubic hair from his nasty beard and then see symbols of the MH370 flight floating around the top in the milk foam

Somehow these corporate cafes and restaurants are big business in Asia, I just don't get the appeal

Take on the chocolate bagel

Forget the dog meat, forget the fish heads, forget rotten cabbage, the most disgusting thing I have seen in Korea are these bagels loaded up with chocolate cream cheese. They are piled so high, you couldn't possibly squeeze your mouth around them.
You wonder why the average Korean man dude looks like Grimace is because they are having two of these for breakfast??

Take on the North Korean aggression

Nothing makes you feel more like a fish in a barrel or maybe a fish-head between two bamboo sticks than sitting in Seoul while Kim Jong Un decides to send a rocket in your direction from a submarine. I know that officially the South Korean's think it isn't a huge deal because the rocket only went 30 kilometers but when you can basically see Kim Jong Un's gigantic head and shitty haircut from your hotel room balcony in Seoul, 30 kilometers doesn't seem like a small deal, either.

Let's just hope they aren't monitoring US blogs about ladies shoes and ugly feet and think that the Big Head with a Bad Haircut comments about their fat leader are some kind provocation

Take on the intestines combo

I am a fairly adventurous eater aside from my anti pork and anti bull balls stances but I can't tell you what would be less appetizing than a combo of four types of intestines plus a piece of tongue. I am sitting at some random Gangnam Korean BBQ place and found this on the menu, right in the heart of their "chef's selection" combination. You get some tripe, some kidney and some bunghole and wash it all down with a seltzer water
I'd rather eat bull balls I think.

Take on the non-offer for Asian food

As a veteran of 15 trips to Asian I have come to expect a few things. The shower head will likely come up to my naval, every guy has the same crappy haircut and every woman gets a crappy perm as soon as she hits 45. But all of that pails in comparison to the most annoying thing about traveling to Korea, whenever I am somewhere people assume that I won't eat the local fare. Today, I wake up half way through a 14 hour flight and feel famished, I ask the flight attendant for some food and she said that they only have spicy noodles left so she will bring me a cookie. I tell her that the spicy noodles are fine and she responds that the cookie is very delicious. I tell her thank you for the suggestion but to please bring the noodles. She finally agrees to do until she shows up a few minutes later to say she doesn't have any sides and she only has the noodles which I assure her is fine.
When she finally delivers it, she hands me a fork and spoon. How many people eat Asian noodles with a fork?? I ask for chopsticks and she looks at me like I have three heads

This week is going to be great.

Take on the car wash

Let me give you a piece of advise..whenever you go to a car wash and you are waiting in line for them to vacuum and clean the inside of a car, do NOT choose the line with a minivan in it..believe me. If there are three lines and one has four cars in it, the other has five cars in it and the last has only an Odyssey, go home because it is going to be loooong day.

This is the official list of preference of people to sit behind at a car wash from most desirable to least

- convertible sportscar. The middle aged balding dude is just cruising around on the weekends, he isn't eating it in and probably keeps it cleaner than my toothbrush
- sedan. Some grandmother is driving this thing, she might have a few depends thrown in the back but it should be relatively clean
- Jeep. Yeah it might have some crap but it's probably bags of McDonalds and soda cans which clean up quickly.
- luxury SUV. It could be a mess but they probably bring it in often enough not to worry about it too much
- Prius nobody who cares that much about the environment and that little about their own appearance would litter in their own golf cart
- pickup truck. Might be a spittoon of a few cans of Bud Lite but there just isn't that much space.
- dump truck
- garbage truck
- ambulance
- minivan

Take on Trump's path to 1237

I have seen hundreds of models and all of them basically have Trump ending somewhere around 1200 delegates, slightly less than the needed 1237 which will likely mean a contested convention. The problem is that if Trump gets that close, keeping it from him will seem like something made for TV and I have to imagine we'll see some convention floor fights and I'm hoping for ones that involve people literally throwing down.
The sad thing for Trump and his knuckle dragging supporters is that Lyin' Ted's been much better at getting the right guys on his side and his operation has such an advantage when it comes to actually knowing the rules even if nobody likes him even a little bit.

Take on subway vinyl

At some point people decided it was cool to decorate their bathrooms by using subway tiles which are just rectangular bricks in a staggered layout. There is nothing particularly cool about it but it does sound sort of urban chic because nothing screams authentic like a Pottery Barn 1/2 bath. For years people have made jewelry out of old subway tokens and I can't count the amount of artistic renderings I have seen of the subway map.
Well this is a suggestion for the hipsters, if you are looking for the next thing...how about subway vinyl. Your friends and neighbors would be so impressed when they walk into your no window kitchen with the particle board cabinets and the stainless steel looking dishwasher and look down and see that brown and paint splattered flooring. To make it even more authentic add some homeless urine, Chinatown toe-nails and flasher ejaculate. You'll be the envy of all of Billyburg

Take on the neighbors recycling bin

I don't like to dig around my neighbors garbage, oh well maybe I do, but when I walked by today I saw an entire garbage can filled with Heineken bottles. There is nothing wrong with having a cold one after a long day but if you have the money to afford a garbage can full of beer, why the hell would you make it Heineken? At least it covers up the smell of the skunk going around the neighborhood.

Take on Chick-Fil-A

Last week a Chick-fil-a in midtown and you would have thought J-Lo was handing out free chicken. The line went from the corner of 46th and 6th, went down 46th street, circled to 45th and ended up somewhere in Battery Park.

I have had a Chick-Fil-A accidentally and I have to admit it is delicious, the problem is, of course, their anti-gay stance but somehow the liberal Mecca in New York doesn't seem to care.

So I ask, are we a city who cares about equality or are we a city who loves delicious chicken because you can't be both..

Take on a weird combination

I walked into my local grocery I noticed that Chobani was trying a bunch of new flavor including some kind of banana and nuts thing which looked almost entirely terrible, they had a coffee and toffee which sounds mostly horrible and then they sold one that was sriracha and mango which sounded so ridiculously bad that I bought a case

Happy eating

Take on the ripped belt

If one of my buddies was getting dressed for a formal wedding and broke their belt, I'd never let them hear the end of it but today the hunter became the hunted. And it is easy pickings
My disgusting body some how managed to split my belt like a wine glass at a Jewish wedding right at the spot where the nub goes into the belt hole. So now I'm standing at a reception with a belt I had to tape together, nothing but class coming out of the Old Righetti

Take on the NBA jersey sponsorship

Maybe Bernie Sanders will finally get his way as we are about to become a lot more European than anybody would like. No, we're not going to all of a sudden all go around wearing turtlenecks and luckily we won't fall into a death spiral of socialist policy but we will start getting advertisements directly onto our favorite team jerseys as the NBA announced today

So I guess we'll have Rocawear sponsor the Nets, Cablevision sponsoring the Knicks and Aetna sponsor Derrick Rose's new knee

Take on the Smart Tweet

I spent the last few days in Florida but have been home for 24 hours but somehow Twitter hasn't caught up. Today I got three different "targeted promoted tweets" for places in Florida, and I wonder why the hell do I need a remodeling onion at the Lowe's in New Port Richey, FL?

There must be a smarter way to do reach an audience which might actually be in Florida. novel ideal right?

Take on Ted Cruz's Masturgate

Ted Cruz once helped file a 76 page brief trying to outlaws sex toys which is interesting because you would thank that a "small government" conservative who hates "over regulation" and supposedly speaks for "individual rights" would have no problem with allowing people their freedom in the privacy of their own homes. What is better though was his college roommate (and constant Cruz Troll) Craig Mazin calling the Cruzonator out for the fact he beat little Teddy silly back in college. Now we have all been accused on that at some point of our lives, so I don't begrudge him the sled pleasure but find the typical Cruz hypocrisy laughable especially considering that I think we are all pretty sure that Ted probably likes a little anal stimulation.

Take on the $100 sunglasses

Lesson #1- Never go to a place like Florida and forget your sunglasses because if you do you are totally screwed. I walk outside today and I am completely blinded by the sun, my eyes hurt, my head hurts and my hair hurt after being outside for all of ten minutes. I decided to walk into the gift shop at the hotel where my conference is being held and was confronted with nothing but fancy sunglasses. I am usually a guy who goes a year or two on a pair of $29 target sunglasses, so obviously I was floored but with an outside one on one meeting scheduled an hour away, I had to bite the big one.
$105 later I got a pair of Torrent glasses which is more than I have spent on an accessory ever

Shoot me

Take on the TSA Pre✔️

When the TSA announced the pre ✔️thing a few years ago, I thought that business traveling had finally regained some of its status back but like most good things, this has now also lost its luster. The issue is that at 6:45am at LaGuardia, every a-hole in line is a business traveler, so they too have this pre✔️and all of a sudden my line is twice as long as the one for the normal herds.
I just can't win.

Take on GNR in Vegas

Rock & Roll came alive last night after nearly 25 years of walking aimlessly through the dark forest with no direction but finally all things were lined back up again.  Somehow the greatest living rock band made a 15,000 person arena feel intimate, maybe because the fans wanted so badly to have it happened or maybe because they just bring that vibe.  Either way, all was right either the world last night 

There were some surprises and that is what has always made Rock & Roll great but what weren't surprises was what makes Rock & Roll

The surprises included Sebastian Bach coming out for My Michelle and the boys rocking to The Who's Seeker and that doesn't even include the fact that Axl actually made it on stage early. 

They went on right after 11pm, which was amazing considering Alice In Chains didn't finish till about 10:20pm.  Axl was awesome his voice sounding better than it did in his heyday even if he couldn't move.  Duff was great and we loved the fact they give him a couple of punk songs but the difference is Slash, he IS Guns N' Roses. 

Forget Zakk Wylde, or Buckethead or Bumblefoot or DJ Azra or DJ Jazzy Jeff of whoever they've had. Those guys were good  technically but there is no comparison.  Truthfully, comparing them isn't even fair because these are Slash's songs, they were just playing them but he will forever own them.  

Even Richard Fortes the other guitarist they have now is awesome, but Slash is unreal and he is Guns N Roses as much as Axl if not more.   He rips for almost three straight hours, he never stops, he brings it the entire show and it isn't just technically awesome but it's melodic and powerful. 

They played everything starting with It's So Easy and going through the full repertoire including Jungle, Brownstone, You Could Be Mine, Estranged, November Rain, Sweet Child and Coma.  They gave you some new stuff, they gave you some awesome covers and they gave you Slash doing The Godfather theme leading into the Star Spangled Banner as he channeled the greatest guitarist of them all

Nothing rocked more than Rocket Queen.  Nightrain and Brownstone were incredible and an encore with Don't Cry and Paradise City can't be beat although Sebastian Bach headbanging duet of My Michelle was close in that it was his first time sharing a stage with GNR since 1991.  But at the end it was about hearing Appetite played 3/5 of the original lineup.   We didn't miss Steven but we did miss Izzy who was the architect behind a lot of GNR's Magic, but that had always been more apparent in the studio than in concert because there, you just need Axl and you need Slash 

So there we have it, nearly 25 years later, all thing were right again.  Let's just hope they can keep it together till East Rutherford in July. 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on GNFNR

18 hours from right now, I will be standing in tight jeans, boots and my Appetite for Destruction shirt along with 10,000 other middle aged white dudes headbanging to Mr Brownstone, Nightrain and Rock Queen and for a minute it will feel like 1992 all over again

A lot has changed since I last saw the "real" GNR live (I did catch the Axl led GNR a few years ago which was actually awesome). Last time I was a 16 year old kid, 165 pounds soaking wet with hair down to his ass when I caught GNR and Metallica at Giants Stadium with opening act Faith No More. I was easily one of the youngest kids in the audience and I sat so far away that I may as well have been at Brendan Byrne Arena but it was the highlight of my summer and probably my childhood. Faith No More played an hour, Metallica played three hours and then after a two hour break, GNR came on and played 3 hours. It was 95 degrees and I snuck a beer from my seat neighbor and I was in absolute heaven. It was also the first time I saw a pair of real tits when a very drunk chick flashed me, so you can see how this was the biggest highlight of my childhood

But today will likely look a bit different, Axl is 150 pounds heavier (and in a foot cast), Duff looks like a deflated balloon and Dizzy Reed probably looks like a washed up roadie and I'm sure the audience will be filled with the same 23 year old chick who flashed me..except now she'll be 47 with a mortgage, a couple of kids and a CRV although if she did flash me again, I wouldn't complain. I'm sure the rest of tonight's audience will be similar as I've seen the crew in the hotel hanging poolside and eating at PF Changs but still...There is nothing better than this.

Will send over the set list tonight

Take on the Delta in flight TVs

When I walk into a plane I look for three things...
1- where is the nearest exit so that I can shove women and children aside like I am a deranged George Costanza
2- is there any chance I can switch seats with somebody so they can sit next to the 300 pound elephant sitting next to me
3- is there a TV as I can't imagine stating at the back of the seat in front of me for the next 5 hours like some kind of lunatic

Sadly, although many airplanes now have a built in entertainment set, they all basically suck. Yeah, on a few very special planes (i.e. Planes built this century) they are actually pretty great with a lot of choices, good sound quality and a screen which is at least the size of a tablet but most airplanes come equipped with these little dinky LED screens which are so unresponsive you are literally jabbing it ten times to hope to change a channel or turn up the volume which I am sure my front big or appreciates. Then again that dude is one of those 300 pound elephants so I doubt he feels anything and neither do his neighbors as he has places a part of his gut on each of their laps

This is complete torture

Take on Joey "Kasich" Chestnut

Move over Kobayashi, move over Joey Chestnut, move over Matt Stonie and move over Black Widow because NYC has it's newest contender for the Nathan's Hot Dog competition although he's got about as good a shot at winning that as he does at being president..   John Kasich put down a sandwich over at Mike Deli in the Bronx and looked like he was channeling his inner Matt Stonie. 

He threw down this sandwich and looked like he regurgitated it immediately which I'm sure will ingratiate him with NY Voters because nothing make me want to vote for a guy more than a guy who looks like he is about to puke all over his payless shoes.

thanks John, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out of the state.

Take on the Hillary symbol

With Trump's nastiness, Cruz's creepiness, Bernie's looniness and Kasich's voteless-ness, it becomes apparent that Hillary might be the best option left which is why her campaign symbol is perfect. She has that stupid arrow pointing right which might mean that she is actually signaling to the GOP that she won't be nearly as nutty as old uncle Bernie or maybe she is trying to show that she is moving forward but most likely she is just saying that a vote for her is a vote for moving sideways. The entire campaign has been about anchoring herself to Obama and she's just hoping people will vote for the status quo which isn't bad but might not be that good either. Anyway, she is becoming more palatable the longer this goes on which seems to have less to do with her and more to do with the band of muppets in the rest of the field.

Take on the Port Authority Twitter feed

I check the Port Authority's LincolnTunnel Twitter feed on my way into the city most days and like clockwork I get a message of some kind of maddening delay. Sometimes it is a "stalled bus", a few times you will get "an accident" and other times it is "general congestion" but every day it is something. They never come with an apology or an accurate time frame but I guess at least you know there is something. I honestly believe that they would save themselves time and money by only tweeting when there is NOT at least a fifteen minute delay

Anyway, recently the excuse we have gotten is a "delineator replacement" which seems like total crap since They have used that excuse at least three times in a week. You would think that by now they would have fixed that stupid delineator, whatever the hell that is anyway.

But one that they have been

Take on the Ice-Cream to reading score chart

I was having some ice cream when I popped open the latest issue of The Economist and practically dropped the frozen treat onto the page when I saw that there is a direct correlation between eating ice cream and literacy. I have to think this is one of those correlation not causation things and probably says more about wealth inequality as it relates to education but really it is better to think that our fat ice cream eating slobby kids are so much smarter than those brats from Kazakstan or Peru

Take on the weird fluorescent bulbs

The light in my closet burned out this week, so I got the step stool to go change it which I thought would be a three minute process but instead I've now been without light for seven days. Instead of a normal screw in lightbulb, the previous owner installed some weird double barrel fluorescent type that has not obvious match on Amazon. I look brought their "weird lightbulb" section and still cannot find anything. I did find this thing (https://www.lightbulbs.com/product/tcp-32058/?source=GooglePPC-ProductAds&gclid=CKOFsLbd88sCFRJbhgodFtMCOg) but when it showed up it looked like a cruel joke. The thing was three sizes too small and now I am stuck with some stupid double round bulb that I have no home for at all. I cannot find the one I need and not sure what the hell to do

I might just move

Take on the Port Authority evacuation

Thanks god this happened on a Saturday because had the Port Authority been evacuated on a weekday, there would have been a lot of pissed stay at home moms and dads. What shocks me is that it was a suspicious package that forced the evacuation, not because that is in itself off but because there are hundreds of suspicious looking packages laying around the floor of the homeless people who make the 3rd floor gates their shelter (and bathroom). I know that the bags aren't suspicious in the counter terrorism definition but they are certainly suspicious in the "that might be a bag of homeless Guy's shit" kind of way.

Take on GNR at Troubadour

Guns N' Roses did what only they could..announce a last minute show in Hollywood and immediately the entire world went nuts. In a venue that probably holds 500 people there are likely 100x as many who would spend good money to be there tonight as Axl, Slash and Duff start it up again as if 20 years have not passed.
TOR will be in Vegas next week on the 2nd night of their official tour but there's something awesome about them playing at some place with smoke in the air, piss on the floor and booze all over the walls....I had serious thoughts of jumping on a flight to LAX tonight