Take on absolute stupidity

The Times had an article they were pimping today about a dude who was taken for nearly three quarters of a million dollars by psychics anti just couldn't care less. I just think that if people are that stupid, they deserve what they get. It's like the guy who still smokes in 2015, I just won't feel bad for them if they get lung cancer. I have this feeling every time somebody does get something that was entirely preventable, I just have no sympathy. I know that is harsh but Charlie Sheen banged a bunch of $2 hookers without a rubber, so him getting the High V is just not something I honestly feel bad about and in his case it is criminal that he didn't make partners explicitly aware that he was infected.

Take on the size 48 belt

I bought a shirt and tie combination from an online store this week and when I got delivery I was surprised to have also gotten a pocket square and belt. The pocket square was a nice surprise but I was miffed to see the belt was a size 48. I mean the shirt was a 16" collar with 36" sleeves so I have no idea why the belt would be built for a 480 pound dude.

Take on the gun holster

I know a guy who has a conceal carry permit in a state that has a reciprocal carry agreement with about 30 other states, many of them border states. That means he can leave his house in Florida and drive to more than half of the country. The issue is that if he wanted to go from Florida to Delaware he might be allowed to carry in Georgia, North and South Carolina, Virginia but not Maryland so he has to go all the way around and go through Tennessee and West Virginia into Pennsylvania to Delaware to get there which means he is burning a billion extra gallons of oil in his truck. But he is a big second amendment guy and sometimes doesn't have time to do a tour of the states so he just gambles and drives through Maryland with the hope he doesn't get pulled over. I asked him once where he puts his gun during those legs and he said he shoves them up his ass.

Take on the inflight WiFi

I cannot believe that it is 2015 and I get on a domestic flight and they do not offer WiFi. Every domestic plane I have flown on in the last 5 years has given me the option to buy a $20 GoGo pass yet my flight from Charlotte to LaGuardia today does not. I know some people welcome the fact that they can be disconnected for a few hours but I am not one of them. I need to be hard wired directly into the Internet at all times or otherwise I got completely nuts. Two hours on a flight with nothing to look at but the front seat makes my mind wonder and when it goes I want to kill myself.

But the worst thing is that you have to figure a plane not equipped with WiFi at this point must not be a high priority portion of their fleet so you just have to hope they at least checked the tire pressure.

Take on Tysons

Read a report that Tyson had to send back a bunch of chickens because they smelled bad and thought to myself that I have eaten a bunch of their chickens that have smelled bad and only now they tell me there is a problem?!?! This entire concept of smell vs taste is something very familiar to regular smells like fish, tastes like chicken TOR readers even if the smells like fish really smells like rotting chosen possum. Anyway, I wouldn't eat a chicken that smelled like fish or a fish that smelled like chicken or a chicken that smelled like sweat filled pubic hair covered medium rare grilled Atlantic char.

Take on the refueling options

Walking into the Budget car rental office recently, I was asked which fuel option I'd like to use. Either the fuel up yourself one which is the cheapest but a pain in the d!ck. The advanced fuel option which charges you market rate for the gas but you are forced to buy a full tank so anything less than dead E is expensive. Then there is the EZfuel option which is a flat rate if you drive less than 75 miles which is sort of hard to know before hand and $15 for 75 miles is ludicrous. Finally the worst option, the Refueling Service which is basically bending over and letting the guy at the rental desk ram in up your five hole as they charge you nearly $10/gallon.

In other words, any way you see it they are screwing you like a porn star

Take on flowers

It is crazy how expensive flowers are in this country, think about it, for 40 dollars you only get a couple of individual flowers...ones that you hope would last a week. There are not many things you'd buy for 40 buckets knowing they'd have a shelf life of four or five days

But what is worse is that when you walk into any florist and ask them for a bouquet there first question is for a budget. You tell them $40 and immediately they make you feel inadequate. "Sure we'll see about putting something together for that, I assume you don't mind weeds and poison ivy, being that you have such a small budget". WTF, this is $40 or $50 and you make it sound like I offered you 50 cents

I am boycotting the entire industry

Take on the "talented" lawyer

Amongst the 128 people that have died was one American victim but the @NyTimes Twitter account had an "interesting" description.   They went with following 140 characters

@nytimes: Paris attack victims include American college student and "talented" 26-year-old lawyer https://t.co/hfjeR587Fe https://t.co/Bv8BaC0KyA

I am not sure why they felt the need to put talented in quotes, but guess they felt they couldn't use it without them and without giving up their appearance of neutrality on the issue.  The problem is that it actually just reads like she may not have had that much talent, which I doubt is what they wanted to portray

But the bigger issue is that the talented thing is really irrelevant to this tweet, would it have been any less of a travesty if she was just an average lawyer or even a below average one.  I know plenty of those and if they had perished in such a despicable act, it would not be any less tragic

So it might be time to remove or edit that post

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Take on the Big Four

Turn on cable news tonight and it is wall to wall Paris, Twitter is all Paris, talk to any friend and that is all they can talk about but the big four stations have not gone off their regular programing because God knows this is when people need the comfort of Full House, The Urkels and Survivor 62 the old folks home edition.
I get that it is not an obligation but when there are 150+ people reported dead on coordinated attacks in 7 places in the capital of one of our closest allies, you'd think/hope that they would preempt Big Bang Theory but alas that would seem like the sensible thing to do

Take on the Christmas tree

I turned on the Jets-Bills game and for the first time in my life I wished I was blind. We know that October is the Breast Cancer awareness thing with all the pink flags and gloves, so I can only imagine this red and green thing is q Christmas tree awareness thing and Rex can be Santa Clause.

But the best thing I read about it was on Twitter which really brought the entire TOR week together

@MikeandDogToday: Next week: "Jets and Bill return to traditional uniforms, War on Christmas Continues: MY COLUMN"

Take on the debate

Last night marked the fourth republican debate and the first since Christie and Huckabee were shunned to the kids table which must have made the remaining candidates pretty happy because those two seem like they love a good family style meal.  
Our first issue with this last debate that we had no clue where the hell the Fox Business News was on the Optimum box, it was so hidden that we missed the opening remarks by the three moderator stooges.
What we came out with is the following...

Carson.  This guy is in that position amongst GOP front runners where it doesn't matter what he says, nobody cares.   Carson has no substance, no specifics and is now making his entire campaign about how the vast left wing conspiracy is out to get him..and he leads in the polls

Trump.  The Republican Unravelling of the Most Pompous ahole has begun.  Trump is lost and without his "build a tremendous wall" and "I've built a great company" lines to get him applause he is nothing more than an empty suit...one with a tie which hangs about three inches too low

Rubio.  Everything the republicans said about Obama in 2008 will apply to Rubio in 2016.  He is too young, too inexperienced, misses too many senate votes and has ears that are too big but still it won't matter.   Rubio falls into his talking points more confortably than any politician I have ever seen, his ability to deflect any questions and go into his "my father was a bartender and my mother is a maid" thing is amazing to watch.
Q. Senator what do you feel about social security reform
A.  Neil, my mother was a maid and my father was a bartender so I know about needing security, it is our greatest threat.  We didn't have much but we had each other and that's alright for love, you just have to hold on to what you got.  Sometimes it just doesn't make a difference whether you make it or not

Q Senator, What is your position on immigration?

A- listen Maria, I know about immigration as my father was a bartender and my mother was a maid so we had to deal with a lot of immigration from the holiday inn to the days inn. Sometimes my mom would work at one place and other times as the other and that was an important part

Q- senator, what do you think about a no-fly zone over Syria

A- thank you bald guy, when I was a child my father was a bartender and my mother a maid and we knew how important it was to keep the flies away from the food in the bar's kitchen, so we worked hard to form that trust that will continue to strengthen our resolve and arm our friends against Putin and Assad.


Kasich
Our boy has less than 0% chance, he is practical, moderate and smart which means the crazies hate him.  He literally got booed a number of times last night.  Rooting for him is like rooting for the Browns

Carly
The greatest celebrities are known by only their first name.  Madonna, Britney, Oprah and Carly could be right up there.  She should just change it to Karly and she might have a chance at making that work.   I have nothing to say about her, she is crazy, ran HP into the ground and wore the absolute worst color sweater at the debate.  Who chooses puke green for a rendezvous with Rand Paul and Jeb Bush??

Cruz
I have this vision in my head of Cruz knocking on doors trying to drum up support and people just slamming them in his face as they assume he is is just fulfilling his Megan's Law punishment

Jeb
It Is Over.  Pack up the tent, send home the guy selling hot-dogs and apologize to the guys who got (free) tickets to see you..nobody thinks you have a shot in hell at this thing.  You are an insecure twerp with a crappy haircut and  a family name like a noose.  Just leave, please

Rand
I am shocked to write this but the most sensible guy on stage was the one whose head looks like it is covered in pubic hair.  He is the only one (other than Kasich) with some conviction in his beliefs, the only one who I would genuinely believe would transform Washington and yet he scares the hell out of me like an image of Neil Cavuto on a naked people beach.   But he did great last night

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Take on the FoxBusinessChannell

The GOP debate is being held tonight and I sat down at 9pm to watch (and comment) but it took me 15 minutes to figure out where the hell the FBN was located. I finally found it and I see one British guy, one hot chick in the middle and some dude who looks like he wishes he was a stock broker

Let's hope they take the gloves off

Take on the Starbucks holiday Christmas cups

There is nothing lamer than a company like Starbucks caving to public pressure to rid themselves of all signs of holiday fun. This time the PC police convinced them to get rid of such offensive displays like snowflakes and reindeer because nothing spews religious intolerance like these universally insensitive symbols. Instead of sharing some Yule time cheer, Starbucks is going to go with plain red cups and are inviting to have their customers "create their own holiday theme" which is about as lame as charging $5 for an iced coffee

I hope Santa drops a bag of coal in their loafers

Take on the pretentious father

I was at the playground yesterday and was talking to some dude who was a cross between Jeffrey Katzenberg and Jeffrey Lebowski who was at the playground with his kid

Dude " what is that jacket your daughter is wearing, it looks like a cow, it's cute"

Righetti. "Oh, it's a Paw Patrol jacket, Marshall the fire dog, you know the tv program?"

Dude. "Oh, that's why I didn't recognIze it, we don't let little Lucas watch TV"

Righetti "oh, yeah well we have three kids and it's the only way to prepare dinner sometimes, how many do you have?"

Dude. "Lucas is it, he is our everything and just the thought of his mind being corrupted by tv would crush our soul, Victoria is a leading psychotherapist"

Righetti "wait, you named him after Luke Skywalker, right?

Dude "the mind of a child is so impressionable that it's important we allow it to grow with the body, information is its food"

Righetti. "Yeah, I guess but sometimes you need a few minutes"

Dude "totally, it is just a choice we made, we believe that we want to keep him entertained in ways that expand his mind"

Righetti. "You realize your kid just picked up a piece of gum off the floor and just stuck it in his hair"

Dude "lucas please give that to Papi, we are trying to let your hair grow, it is almost to the point we can braid it"

Righetti. "He'll be fine"

Dude "we just don't believe screentime is healthy, it leads to all types of disorders"

Righetti. "I can't get through a dinner at a restaurant without popping on the iPad"

Dude "I do see that in restaurants, mostly chain types."

Righetti "I think your kid just pulled down his pants in the sandbox"

Dude "But it's really just a choice, and there is not right choice with parenting. We have read every book there is, and wrote a few ones too hahaha, and it's just so powerful to use books and language to push their creativity"

Righetti. "Yeah we love reading to the kids"

Dude. "Yes of course, Children's books are fun ways of distraction. We are starting Dickens with Luke this week, he loves the descriptive nature of the written word"

Righetti. "Your son looks like he is two"

Dude. "He's actually three, he is bit stunted but his mind just grows with literature, we are almost through Moby Dick"

Righetti "we like Judy Moody, she has a brother named Stink"

Dude. "That is so funny, I haven't caught that one but I am sure it is great, maybe we'll introduce that when we want a lazy Saturday"

Righetti. You looked like you are 60, did you watch TV as a kid?"

Dude "I have to run, we have a kale party to go to, every household brings a different kale dish and we use the opportunity to speak only in Mandarin"

Righetti. But you are white?

Dude "never too early to emerge little Luke"

Righetti. Enjoy the veggie dumplings

Take on Marco Rubio's credit cards

When Rubio's campaign said they'd release the credit card statements "in a few days" I knew exactly what it meant.  It meant they would release them on Saturday evening and hope it wouldn't catch much wind which is exactly what they did.    

If the release time was in itself not enough to make you turn up an eyebrow, the explanations certainly would.  I have heard all his answered about mistakes in who to bill and mistaken charges and even still it was  guaranteed in his name but honestly I don't buy it.   I guess I could see a travel agent having the wrong card on file but I would never use my business card accidentally to buy pavers for my house and even if it was a pure accident, the thought he made this mistake multiple times for tens of thousands of dollars deserves some scrutiny.  

I am not sure if he did it in the hope the GOP would not find out and just pay the darn bill or if he was doing it to finance thirty days because his own cards were maxed out but either way it looks bad and Rubio solid come clean and stop hiding behind the "I grabbed the wrong card out of my pocket" excuse.  That doesn't fly for twenty thousand dollars 

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Take on AOL.

Saw a tweet from AOL bragging about their new offices in downtown. I don't care if they have backless stairs, free sanpelegrino cans and topless chicks serving them, nothing will ever be cool about having to tell people your work address when you tell them it's Joe.Bryant@aol.com, plus the views of Manhattan might be cool but the 56k downloads for a PDF must be maddening and the entire "you got mail" every time your cubicle neighbor gets a message would make me eat to kill myself. So sorry, AOL but you lost any hope of coolness a long long long time ago

Take on Christie and Huckabee

Today Chris Christie and Mike Huckabee were told they'd be sitting at the kids table next week for the fourth debate and we couldn't be happier. We kind of like Christie so it's sad to see him go and join Pataki and Jindal and Graham but really he had no shot anyway. What we like is that it might give the real candidates a bit more time to talk although I think the two of them had less than 5 minutes of combined time at the last two hour debate.
There are just too many candidates and it is time to prune them. Get rid of Rand (sorry Zed), get rid of Carly (sorry Tim Hasslebeck?), get rid of Kasich (sorry Righetti) and leave the stage for the guys who are polling above 3%.

Next debate should be Trump, Carson, Rubio, Cruz and Jeb and that's it but they won't do that so instead they should play it like the premier league and force the guy who has the lowest numbers to move down to the kids table and promote one of the guys from the kids table to eat dinner with the adults.

Take on the carmines hand soap dispenser

Carmines is one of my favorite restaurants in NYC, the food is great, the portions are plentiful and the atmosphere is fun. The only issue is that when you go the pisser and you wash your hands (if you are into that kind of thing) you push down the soap squirted and go wash your hands and find out that instead of your hands sliding over each other in soapy matrimony they rub together in a friction filled grinding zone. You are dying to get back to The Titanic which is about to get hit by an iceberg on your table and don't think much about it.
Not until you get back to your seat and out your hand to your face do you realize that the soap you just washed yourBhands with is actually mouth wash. Now your hands smell like mint, your breath smells like shrimp scampi and the shrimp scampi smells like the he hands of a cook who washes his hands in mouth wash.

Take on Kasich

TOR has already endorsed John Kasich for the republican nominee for the President of the United States despite the fact that he has zero chance of actually winning.  We love his pragmatic style, the fact that he can't be pulled by the crazies to give up on all he stands for, we love the ability he will have to get things done like he did while working with the Clinton administration to balance a budget and we love the fact that he isn't a slave to the right wing ideology.  He is the only adult on a stage of hooligans, side show acts and wackos yet still h can't distinguish himself as the GOP seemingly does not want to elect a candidate who is, you know, competent. 

The problem we have with him is that when you actually see him, he comes across as a horny turtle.  With his hunched look, ridiculous arm waving, inability to stand still, mental patient haircut and the fact he looks like he is holding little Kasich like a flasher on the subway the entire time means that nobody will ever vote for him. 

So we do hope he can figure out some composure (literally) and some balls (figuratively because it does look like he is playing pocket pool the entire time) he might have a chance to not finish dead last 

Take on the new Jeb

Jeb Bush spent the day trying to reinvent himself, something that has worked really well elk for Madonna but never seems to go real well for a politician. In politics you kind of are what you are, you can get better (or worse) at who you are but at the end of the day you are exactly what we thought. Chris Christie will never come across as a genuinely caring person, Donald Trump will never come across as humble and Ted Cruz can never shake the "I have a fifteen year old girl ties up in my basement" feel. The thing is that with a guy like Jeb who already feels as authentic as faux leather, this is the last thing he needs to do and if this doesn't signal to the donors to save their money and buy a new refrigerator, nothing will

I've often thought that days in politics play out in different ways but their results are as expected. Yeah, Trump was leading but nobody expects him to keep it up. Carson is leading now but we all expect it to come crashing down and at the end of the day the nomination will go to Rubio. Christie has no shot, Cruz scares vampires, Huckabee is already writing a book, Rand looks like he has a public hair haircut, Kasich looks like he needs to pee the entire time, Fiorina looks like a statue and Jeb is loved by nobody, even Barbara likes George jr. better

So get ready to welcome President-elect Hillary. We are so fucked

Take on the Mets

Daniel Murphy has a great bat, problem is that sometimes he takes it with him to the field instead of a glove 

I'm not a baseball fan an haven't watched a single game this season but all the talk around town is, rightfully so, about the New York Mets who are having a great run.   I don't quite get where all the comic book nicknames come from and I certainly don't plan to dig that deep but I do know a few things which I said to my buddy, and one of the biggest Met fan I know, Jimmy "The Chin" a few weeks ago

I told him that the closer with the name of a pizzeria would kill them in the playoffs,

I predicted that Daniel Murphy's glove would come to haunt them and I said that the manager would lose a game or two for them

The truth is that those aren't hard predictions, and I'm sure Met fans felt the same way going into the playoffs, predicting that is like predicting rain.  IYou predict it enough and eventually it comes true. 

What I did not predict was Cespades totally sucking, I did not predict Daniel Murphy becoming Reggie Jackson and I had no idea whether the young guns would be able to stand up to the pressure of the big series. 

Anyway, I'm hoping that they bring it to Kansas City tonight and expect Matt Harvey to go out there and dominate.  I always thought that if Harvey had the sack of Syndergaard he'd be Tom Seaver, problem is that I'm afraid they'll have to take him out tonight after six to preserve his innings count

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Take on the old trick or treaters

I love Halloween, always have. It is a great kids holiday, it is a great adult holiday but somehow that period between little kid and adult is odd. We had a bunch of teenagers ring our bell today at 8:45pm looking for something. These
weren't 13 year olds who still liked Thundercats, these were kids with beards and bras. It's fine to enjoy the holiday but at some point your parents have to let you go to a party or something because it's just weird when you show up at my house and your voice is deeper than mine and your boobs are bigger than mine, too.

Take on the flight seatmate

Getting stuck on the runway sucks, having it happened when you are sitting in the back I worse but when you add a five hundred pound animal next to you, it is true hell. I had the pleasure of having my personal space invaded by something that lies like they'd consumed six pizzas in a single and smelled like it, too. I get that I shouldn't belittle others over their weight but I also shouldn't be forced to carry thirty pounds of your gut on my lap. If I wanted that extra thirty pounds there is a much better and delicious way to get it. Time to start shipping some passengers in the cargo hull

Take on the worst seat

There is nothing more depressing than getting the seat in the last row of the airplane, the smell of the bathroom fill your nostrils, the seat can't be move back even one inch and when you do eventually land and are ready to deplane it is forty minutes after the plane got to the arrival gate because there are fifty overweight Midwesterners who are grabbing their homemade "I love Robin Roberts and the guy who looks like Michael J Fox) signs
Well there is one more depressing thing, when you fly a B717 flight your last row also means you sit next to the engines which is about as much fun as standing at the speaker of a Rancid concert. The noise is rancid, the bathroom smell is rancid and when you open your window shade you see nothing but the side of the engine which is rancid. So that, my friends, is the worst thing in the world

On no it is not, the worst thing is that when you are sitting in the last seat on the plane with the view of nothing and the smell of everything and as you pull into the runway the announcement comes on that says

"Ladies and gentleman this is the Captain speaking, seems like we have a maintenance issue, should' be too long but we are going to go back to the gate and..."

MLIA

Take on the blackout

You gotta love the fact that on the biggest stage, even multi-million dollar sports leagues and their media company partners can't avoid their laptops crashing. A couple of years ago it was the Super Bowl, now it is the World Series which got interrupted by technical difficulties which must have been harrowing for the 6 people actually watching. I didn't see a single minute of the game but do find it comical that baseball is now so dependent on replay that they had to stop the game when Fox's hamster got tired, because there would not be a feed in case there was a disputed call. Baseball has been played for 150 years without having some schmuck in a replay booth to tell you that a ball is foul or fair but now it became a national sensation and they had to halt a game that started when most kids on the East Coast should be in bed and ended when kids on the West Coast should have been snoozing
I get that if you can get a call right you should use everything in your power to get it right but maybe if it is that important you shouldn't depend on a broadcast partner for your feed or, you know, have a backup plan.

Maybe the next time they will come back late from a commercial for the new 24 and they'll have missed a crucial bang bang play. Oh the horror

Take on Journey

Journey played the National Anthem at last night's Monday Night Football game and although I didn't watch it, I was disappointed. Journey without Steve Perry is like ordering breakfast and they forgot the eggs..and bacon..and toast...and coffee. It is like getting a couple of those plastic throwaway creamers served and being told it is breakfast. I am sure that these guys have some link to the original band, shit maybe a couple of those guys were in the original band (the two other guys certainly look old enough) but the lead singer looks like some dweeby Asian kid singing karaoke. He might be fine to cover the parts but come on this is not Journey, this isn't even Foreigner or the guys who sang "I'm the next to be with you"

I looked up and Wikipedia says the lead singer is some dude named Arnel Pineda who sounds like a pitcher on the Yankees although the photo of the guy at the game yesterday looks like he might be Arnel's second cousin or something because his dude looked like he should be working at a OfficeMax. He has about as much Rock & Roll to him as Phil from accounting.
Next time get us Steve Perry or Katie Perry, Jesus I'd be happy with former running back Chris Perry or Kyle Petty or Richard Petty or Perry Mason or Rick Perry, he has plenty of time

Take on processed meats

I stopped eating pork twenty plus years ago and never looked back and for the first time in my life a decision I had not thought through, turned out to potentially save me some unwanted bowel cancer.
Of course the WHO study today doesn't link having a piece of bacon or sausage once in a while to automatic cancer but the research certainly shows that it increases your risk. The issue I have with this is that I am not sure what constitutes processed and non processed meats. I buy grass fed beef, organic chicken and wild caught fish and only buy organic and pesticide free vegetables at home but somehow it doesn't seem to be enough. But still a couple of options I do eat like all natural deli meats may be laced with cancer causing crap, so are hot dogs and then the study goes to say that unprocessed meats may also be carcinogenic

But the least surprising part of the headline is the "vegetarians smug" portion. That is the least surprising thing you are going to read today.

Take on candy cigarettes

If there was one thing I was sure had been round up and shot behind the barn it would have been those candy cigarettes I used to get as a kid but no. I walked into the bagel shop today and saw a huge box of them right on the counter. I'm all for personal freedom and everything but I have to say that these things have no place. Just like I would be appalled by seeing candy cocaine, a chocolate fifth or a jelly bean shaped needle and bent spoon, the thought of a kid getting a kick out of a cancer stick is a bit much for me but then again I also don't but toy guns for them so I might be the evil Santa Clause

Take on Lincoln Chafee

Well that didn't last long. Today Lincoln Chafee announced he would be making a big campaign announcement and for the first time in his campaign people took notice because he dropped out. When he showed up at the debate we were surprised he was even in the race although we are using "in" very liberally here. He bumbled and stumbled and before you knew it he was gone a week after old Jim Webb threw in his towel.
What made this inevitable (other than the fact his poll numbers were basically 0) was that this week the Times ran a story to say that Chafee had exactly ten big donors and by big donors it counts anybody who has donated $200 or more. In today's world $200 for a candidate like Carson or Hillary isn't a big donor, it is hardly a donor at all. I bet you can't even get a Jeb hat for that donation or a Bern Baby Bern bumper sticker. So I feel for old Lincoln but we are happy that he finally realized what we all knew, nobody likes you, nobody knows you and nobody cares enough to show up to your funeral. You are the George Bell of politicians

Take on the #LGM thing

I grew up a Yankee fan when they sucked and got less interested in them as they got better basically and gave up on baseball altogether about 15 years ago. NYC, though, hasn't given up on the sport and everywhere you go you see guys wearing Mets hats, singing Mets jingles, recalling their favorite Lenny Dykstra moment and comparing Howard Johnson vs Ray Knight war stories. I'm sure 90% of these guys watched less than 5 games in their entirety over the last 3 years and I'd probably even put that number at 98% and 1 game but good for them, the fanbase has suffered long enough The franchise is often a total mess and the ownership group is a bunch of criminals but the one thing that I do appreciate is that every playoff Met tweet I've seen is followed with the #LGM thing. Just like the way that franchise supported the cops and firefighters after 9/11, they are standing up for what is important. Honestly, I was pretty impressed that these knuckle dragging Long Island barbarians could so much as spell lesbian let alone embrace the entire gay and transsexual community. For that alone I hope their run continues because nothing brings an important issue to the forefront like awareness.

#LGBTM

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Take on the Lonely Death of George Bell

This week the NYTimes ran a piece (http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/10/18/nyregion/dying-alone-in-new-york-city.html?_r=0) on a man who passed away in NYC, it was the equivalent of the "If a tree falls in a forest but nobody is around to hear" thing. Thousands of people die every year and nobody notices and the story of George Bell is probably the same as hundreds of other. The only time anybody even notices something is wrong is when the neighbors call to say there is an awful smell creeping from under their door. Officials come in, find a body, surrounded by belongings, search the property and find nobody to call. there is no one to claim their body, no family members to call and no friends or coworkers to attend a funeral. The city life goes on just like any other day...for everybody except a few people who have to sort this all out. In the case of Bell, he was a hoarder and had his house packed with Betamax tapes, baseball cards, Chinese takeout boxes and everything else under the sun...that and about a quarter of a million dollars. He had a will from 30 years ago which named three people only one of whom could be located and that dude said that he hardly knew Bell, even thirty years ago.
He had virtually no contact with anybody ever and he seemed to like it that way. It was obvious this man didn't have any friends and that was a conscious decision, he never let anybody into his house and died amongst all his possessions safely buried behind the chain lock door of his apartment.
The article is good and worth the read but two thing struck with me about this story of old George Bell

-There is a sad irony in that this man who lived his life trying to keep to himself is features in this piece for the whole world to see and his entire lifestyle exposed. He went from a guy who, by his own wishes, nobody knew was alive -or dead later on- to a guy whose story is front page fodder

- I'd hope the Blue Jays would at least wear a patch for the remainder of their postseason.

Take on Lamar's new kidney

I am not one who is rooting for Lamar Odom to kick the bucket, I don't care to cheer his demise but I am also not one who feels he should be afforded any special treatment because he was once an fantastic basketball player. He had Magic Johnson type skills but never had his mental makeup, his internal fortitude or his killer instinct but few people do. Lamar Odom was suppose to change the game with his unique skill set which was a bar which was just too high to live up to but make no doubt about it, he was a terrific player. He won a couple of championships, sixth man awards and had a bunch of other accolades but sadly his biography will probably read more about what he didn't do and what he did do outside of Vegas last week.
I don't have any ill will but also do not believe that he deserves any special treatment because he was an all-star. You hear about endless lines for kidney transplants, lines of people who have done everything right and that is one thing Lamar has not. He does not deserve to jump the line after his self induced viagra and cocaine induced coma and if he does then you will know how ass backwards our society is with hero worship.

I'm rooting for him to pull through but not at the expense of a child who never had a choice and there are plenty of those on the list.

Take on Oscar Pistorius sentence

The outlandish amount of jail time we give to -mostly black and Hispanic- kids in this country for minor drug possession is ridiculous but is matched by the opposite in places like South Africa apparently. I just saw that Oscar Pistorius is being released from jail to serve out the rest of his sentence under house arrest. I get that house arrest isn't total freedom but when you are a wealthy famous athlete, it is certainly not the worst thing in the world. I guess killing your girlfriend for a white man in South Africa is akin to a few grams of weed as a black man is in ours

Take on the all-day breakfast menu

When McDonalds announced the all-day breakfast menu a few weeks ago, it was the kind of innovative business decision that could be the answer to their woes. The problem is that people are moving away from McDonalds in droves and this will never be a long term answer to regaining their dominance. It's a novelty and a lame one at that

@elbump I feel the All-Day Breakfast menu at McDonalds is very "everybody gets a trophy for participating" you used to have to work for your Egg McMuffin

There is truth to that, although I've only been in the opposite place where at 10:30am I want a BigMac but they only have the steak and egg sandwich.

Maybe THAT is the answer. The all-day dollar menu

Take on the dirty water dog guy

Sometimes the TOR entrees just write themselves. There was a story in the DailyNews last week that said that a study found that foot cart operators do not change gloves enough which was as surprising as hearing that those dirty water dogs probably aren't all beef.
The study showed that most cart operator routines went something like this. Put on gloves, serve hot-dog, put on ketchup, give change, scratch nuts, sell pretzel, give change pick nose, spit in kraut, shove their own sausage into one of the buns to scare innocent looking Korean girl walking down the street, serve real hot-dog in same bun to unsuspecting tourist from Ohio, give incorrect change, pick toenail with hot-dog prong, take off glove and use hot-dog water to wash hands.

Take on the Twitter suggestions

Recently I noticed that sometimes I will see a tweet on my iOS Twitter app and it will give me the ability to read more about the subject matter.   It must be some kind of a.i. or whatever that works the logarithm and generally it is decent.   See a tweet that says RIP Lamar Odom and it might have a link under the post that says "read more about the 2008 Laker Team" or "more on the fun that is hookers and blow"

But it isn't that smart because a Deadspin article about a guy prancing Cameron Meredith during the draft as Bill Belichick offers a "best of Grey's Anatomy" option.  I have no idea what the Bears or Belichick have to do with that show as I have never seen a single second of it but and can only think that it featured a romance between Cameron and Meredith that rivaled the love of Jack and Janet

Sent from my iPhone

Take on daily fantasy sports

You know that when Nevada orders you closed, it can only mean one of two things..you are incredibly shady and even the sin capital of the world wants nothing to do with you....or you are encroaching on their turf

When Nevada shut down Fan Duel and Draft Kings today, everybody assumes that the writing is one the wall.  I mean it IS gambling which this country doesn't tolerate unless it is in some desert, some scummy shore town or on sovereign Indian ground (or the state lottery but that is a different story) so you'd think that a game like this should have be banned but it hasn't and will not based on any legislation. 

It won't because it will grease the palms of every politician from here to Reno to keep it alive and it has plenty of grease to lubricate those palms. The only thing that can stop it is the wiseguys, bookies and casino bosses who will do anything to keep their piece of the pie and that will be the reason this enterprise eventually sinks...and I couldn't be happier because it might mean we can go back to BudLite and erection commercials which I miss 

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Take on the democratic debate

I may have been one of the only people in America to watch the democrats debate each other last night but as I know the TOR readers depend on me to give them hard analysis and hot takes, I felt it was my duty to sit through the snooze fest.   Well, I made it almost through an hour before I went to sleep because it was dreadful, there was no fire, no excitement and no pizzazz, which is what happens when you get use to a television star on stage and now you are left with a bunch of stuffy politicians.  
We'll start at the bottom
Lincoln Chaffee.  Never before has a man looked more uncomfortable on stage, the poor guy looked like he had to pee the entire time so you can't blame him for his "my dad had just died and I had no idea what I was doing"'comment on his vote on Glass-Steagall. What made it bad was that he looked like he was wearing a suit which was last worn by his dead dad when he made the comment and then immediately soiled it.  We predict that this will be the last we see of old Lincoln, not just on the debate stage but ever..if you pee in your dad's suit in front of a national audience, albeit it one that was mostly asleep, you are dead..unless your name is Billy Madison

Jim Webb

When your most memorable line is  "I've been waiting for ten minutes to have a chance to speak" then you know you had a rough night, especially if you said that exact same line four times.  We like old Jim but nobody else does and it is not clear to me, or anybody else apparently, why he is running.   He should go home and be with his hunting dogs and maybe find a doctor who can construct him a neck

Mark O'Malley.  

It is never a good sign when people can't remember if your name is Mike or Mark.  I don't know why this is but nobody called Mike Tyson, Mark Tyson but somehow everybody thinks Mark O'Malley might actually be Mike O'Malley and sadly for Mike/Mark, it doesn't matter.    I read earlier tonight that he looked like  he is a model for a cialis commercial which is a great call, Mike looks like the guy you need when you need to throw a football through a tire swing but on the debate stage he is a stiff as a board, maybe because he is with a little help from his purple friend.  He does appear to be running for Hillary's VP which is nice and all especially if he can help Bill out with some Spanish tail on the campaign trail but he should stay home for the next debate 

Bernie Sanders.   

Who would have guessed that yelling and screaming for an hour wouldn't go over well, the poor guy's got more charisma than anybody else on stage but when out up in front of the US public he looks like he should be running for a spot in the Muppets balcony, not president.    We like Bernie, sort of, but he looked lost.   When Anderson Cooper asked him to respond to a comment that Jim Webb didn't make he looked like he just woke up from a nap. He was so discombobulated that all he could mutter was "raise taxes on the rich" which was an odd answer to going in against Assad but whatever.   Between the yelling, the unwillingness to comb his hair and the mid debate nap, he was outclassed.  His best moment might have been the "everybody is sick of your damn emails" thing but we liked this 

https://twitter.com/gawker/status/654110900992000000 when he looked like he was picking up a penny that Jim Webb had dropped, just be glad that O'Malley wasn't standing next to him when he bent over 

Hillary

Your 2016 democratic nominee is Hillary Clinton daughter of a corrupt businessman, wife of a horny politician and mother of the topic of a Malcom XIII original.   She dominated a debate that showed the other four had no place being at.   She so outclassed and over-matched her "rivals" that is is scary especially because she has more skeletons than a Fangoria magazine. She was wrong on Iraq, criminal on Benghazi and dangerous on her emails but still she dominated and looked like a man amongst boys, a man in a terrible pant suit.   The establishment will rally around her, O'Malley will try to bone her with his 4 hour erection and she'll win this thing in a landslide and I still won't vote for her 

Take on the Jeb Bush Plant

Yesterday during some campaign event, Donald Trump got asked a bunch of tough questions by a young woman in the crowd, a young woman who also works for the Jeb Bush campaign. I saw Trump went nuts even claiming that CNN was part of the plan and of course the Jeb campaign immediately issued a statement saying she, Lauren Batchelder, was not a paid member of the staff and they had nothing to do with her being there even if all her social media timelines and biographies seemed to indicate she was. Social media info that she promptly deleted

I really can't comment on this other than to say that Jeb is obviously very afraid of Trump and for a guy who basically had the nomination handed to him on a silver platter, he has figured out a way to fumble this thing away like he is Ahman Green without the arm sleeves

But what is more disturbing and what will sink him completely is the photo that some Google-nerds came up with, it is of the Jeb with his arm around the girl. It is not that he's been photographed with her, he's probably been photographed with tens of thousands of people, it is that he looks like a child molester in the photo and she looks like his frightened captive

Take on Playboy

Wait a second, I think the apocalypse is upon us. Forget the fact that Cubs may win a World Series, Trump is leading in all the polls or that the worst team in our fantasy football league just put up 140, I just read that Playboy will be cutting out he nude spreads. Now I have not read Playboy since my subscription expire in college but I have to say that taking out the nudie pictures of Playboy is like kosher pizza. Yeah they have had a few fantastic interviews including the ones with Jimmy Carter, Steve Jobs, Martin Luther King and John Lennon and Yoko Ono. There has even recently surfaced a Joe Biden one from when he was a bachelor in the 70's but let's be serious, they haven't had an interview worth it's weight in decades

Take on the Democratic debate

We have to equal opportunity but trying to find any interest in the upcoming Democratic debate is a futile attempt. First of all, there are five people expected on the stage (not including a last minute WWE entrance by SuperJoeBiden). We follow politics but we have not idea that there was a candidate other than Hillary and Bernie, let alone three of them. The most important thing you need to know is that along with Hillary and Bernie, the other three are also old and white. Jim Webb, who we actually kind of like is the most recognizable out of the final three, and still has to pay for breakfast at his local diner, Martin O'Malley who lost his middle school secretary election to some girl with corn stuck in her braces and Lincoln Chafee who comes from a state so small that his entire extended family outnumber it and even they don't know he is running.
So it will be the old hag vs the old rag and really nobody cares because as much as Bernie gets great crowds, let's be serious, this is still Hillary's show to lose and lose she will

Take on Randy Quaid

Not since the death of John Ritter have we been more floored about the fate of a childhood hero than what has happened to one Randy Edward Quaid over the past five years. Every time we turn around he is either acting homeless, dressing homeless or literally being homeless which is the most recent string of events where he was kicked out of his house and basically his country. Randy Quaid fled to Canada like many republicans claimed they would do if Obama was reelected and democrats threatened to do when Bush Jr. was reelected before him. He fled instead of standing trial on a myriad of squatting, invasion and other crazy person crimes but the entire time we just assumed he was researching for the next Griswold adventure so we were good with it. I mean, who wouldn't want to see Beverly D'Angelo topless again. Then today he shows up on the Vermont border like a vagabond Walter White looking like a cross between Santa Clause and Bill Murray to prove again that he is not a hero for all Americans but he is one who does it looking like he is going to give you a present

We are convinced that he is not just the greatest American actor of our generation but also the greatest advocate for freedom of speech and beards


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Take on bicycle parking rates

In a city which now has more miles of bike lanes than St Louis has miles of roads, has a huge government backed bike-share program and has more terrible bikers per capita than anyplace else which when you combine it with ridiculous amount of congestion and crazy taxi drivers and even more crazy uber drivers. Well today when I walked out a garage I noticed the rates that they were charged and I was floored.
I pay $15 including taxes to park for 9 hours but right next door they charge $15 plus 8.75% tax for one hour. This means that for parking your bike which takes up virtually no space costs nearly $16.50 for one stinking hour

At that rate you can basically mean you can buy a second hand bike uptown and bike to work and just leave it on the street and buy another used bike to ride back up town

take on the least shocking story of the day

I read a horribly shocking story today about a guy accused of raping his fiancee's 12 year old daughter.. What was not shocking was the photo that accompanied the article, the guy in the picture had a complete face tattoo..  Forget your thoughts about capital punishment but in this case I hope they fry this dude and apply the wires directly to his balls.   Then I hope they take the mother and do the same thing to her because any parent who would leave their kid with a freak like this and not expect the worst, is themselves the worst..  I have never been more clear in my mind that we need a form of population control and these two losers should be first in line to go.

Take on the Matt Barnes/Derek Fisher confrontation

Matt Barnes got into his car after learning that Derek Fisher was bagging his estranged wife and drove 100 miles to kick his ass. I get the feeling of despair of having lost the love of your life, especially the type who has fantastic side boob (http://www.latinpost.com/articles/31493/20150112/matt-barnes-slams-his-ex-gloria-govan-for-topless-photoshoot.htm) but to drive 100 miles to kick the crap out of the crappiest coach in the NBA seems a bit ludicrous. They have been separated for a year and you have to think that there are a lot of other dudes who have shot the three into that chick since D-Fish got his grubby paws on her but still Barnes drove what has to have been an hour and a a half and then was still so pissed that he took to smacking around little Derek.

Can't wait for the first Knicks-Grizzlies game. The NBA is FANtastic

Take on the Dark Knight

Matt Harvey missed a mandatory workout because he was stuck in traffic proving again that he is no Dark Knight. Listen, we have all been there and have all overslept or been stuck in traffic..well actually I am an adult and this have not overslept in 20 years..but I digress.
The point is I am sorry your Spider-Man alarm didn't go off or you got stuck on the Grand Central Parkway or you forgot your cellphone at your friends house but we all know this is just your lame way of getting out of having to pitch in the postseason and to protect your little arm you six foot two pussy.
You are not Tom Seaver, you are not Tom Glavine you are not even Tom the Cat you are one big fat phony.

Take on the Port Authority XBL Lane

There is no more asinine concept in this world that the Exclusive Bus Lane (XBL).  Every morning you see something like this

@PANYNJ_LT: The Exclusive Bus Lane (XBL) to NY is experiencing a delay of 30 minutes due to a disabled vehicle in the center tunnel.

The issue is that it is a single lane running about 5 miles from the Turnpike to the tunnel and if a bus breaks down and your bus is sitting behind it, there is no way out.   And the only way for them to tow the broken down bus is to come from the tunnel side which they can only do once all the busses ahead of the broken down one are off the road which can easily take an hour.   

So @panynj_lt, thanks for the note that there will be a delay, sadly it came after we were already stuck in the vortex that is the Lincoln tunnel XBL Lane so it made no difference, oh yeah, and since you tweeted it and our bus driver cannot (or should not) be checking his TwitterDuck while driving, he would not have know about it anyway.. So really it is worthless 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Twitter App

I've been staring at the Twitter app update for three days as it just sits stagnant in my updates folder in the AppStore. It won't load, it won't update, it won't launch, it can't be deleted, it won't do anything and I am stuck trying to use TwitterDuck or TweeterTap to get updates from the sideline of the Jets-Fish game

Who knew how much of a necessity this thing is because these third party ones are no party at all.

Take on the US Weather Model

There is a fascinating article in today's Times about why the US Weather Model has fallen behind the ones used in Europe but they seem to forget one major point. They talk about meteorologists and maps and Doppler and radar and whatever but what they fail to mention is the real reason that US news outfits fall behind..because it is in their interest to.

Nothing brings eyeballs to the sets like an impending storm and as long as they can keep the intrigue and excitement going, the better for their ratings. This isn't that complicated, if you get your breaking news from a place which depends on ad revenue, you will get a slanted view there are no ifs ands or buts about it.it is pure capitalism

Take on the next school shooting

Saw somebody say yesterday that once Sandy Hook occurred and this happened to small children and nothing happened, that nothing will ever happen at this point. Which is sad, but probably true.

I'm not convinced we need to limit guns as much as I am that we need to keep guns out of the hands of people who shouldn't have them.  I can't believe that there is a sane gun owner who would object to the idea of keeping their beloved guns out of the hands of people who are mentality unstable.   The government tells you that you need a fence around your pool, you must be 21 to drink, that you cannot drive drunk, that you need a license and insurance to even drive a car, that you cannot carry a gun onto a plane but somehow having laws that would keep guns out of the hands of people who are mentally unstable makes people crazy

We need universal background checks not just for gun ownership but for gun use and we need every person who wants to have a gun go through a psychiatric evaluation cause, well, we don't need certain types having the ability to kill other types but we won't and we'll be back here again in no time 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Hurricane Joaquin

The possible hurricane that is leaving the Bahamas like a group of vacationers from Connecticut heading towards the Northeast has gotten every person I know person into a total frenzy. There is no model that puts this little rain storm anywhere near NYC until Monday night but I know a guy who has been checking the weather.com site every thirty minutes to monitor the situation as if there is something he can do to stop it. The local A&P is already out of water, the gas stations already have huge lines and on my commute home I heard people discussing the "greatest storm since the dinosaurs"

God I hope this thing shows up and drops a swinning pool on their roof and their roof alone.