Take on the Lonely Death of George Bell

This week the NYTimes ran a piece (http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/10/18/nyregion/dying-alone-in-new-york-city.html?_r=0) on a man who passed away in NYC, it was the equivalent of the "If a tree falls in a forest but nobody is around to hear" thing. Thousands of people die every year and nobody notices and the story of George Bell is probably the same as hundreds of other. The only time anybody even notices something is wrong is when the neighbors call to say there is an awful smell creeping from under their door. Officials come in, find a body, surrounded by belongings, search the property and find nobody to call. there is no one to claim their body, no family members to call and no friends or coworkers to attend a funeral. The city life goes on just like any other day...for everybody except a few people who have to sort this all out. In the case of Bell, he was a hoarder and had his house packed with Betamax tapes, baseball cards, Chinese takeout boxes and everything else under the sun...that and about a quarter of a million dollars. He had a will from 30 years ago which named three people only one of whom could be located and that dude said that he hardly knew Bell, even thirty years ago.
He had virtually no contact with anybody ever and he seemed to like it that way. It was obvious this man didn't have any friends and that was a conscious decision, he never let anybody into his house and died amongst all his possessions safely buried behind the chain lock door of his apartment.
The article is good and worth the read but two thing struck with me about this story of old George Bell

-There is a sad irony in that this man who lived his life trying to keep to himself is features in this piece for the whole world to see and his entire lifestyle exposed. He went from a guy who, by his own wishes, nobody knew was alive -or dead later on- to a guy whose story is front page fodder

- I'd hope the Blue Jays would at least wear a patch for the remainder of their postseason.

Take on Lamar's new kidney

I am not one who is rooting for Lamar Odom to kick the bucket, I don't care to cheer his demise but I am also not one who feels he should be afforded any special treatment because he was once an fantastic basketball player. He had Magic Johnson type skills but never had his mental makeup, his internal fortitude or his killer instinct but few people do. Lamar Odom was suppose to change the game with his unique skill set which was a bar which was just too high to live up to but make no doubt about it, he was a terrific player. He won a couple of championships, sixth man awards and had a bunch of other accolades but sadly his biography will probably read more about what he didn't do and what he did do outside of Vegas last week.
I don't have any ill will but also do not believe that he deserves any special treatment because he was an all-star. You hear about endless lines for kidney transplants, lines of people who have done everything right and that is one thing Lamar has not. He does not deserve to jump the line after his self induced viagra and cocaine induced coma and if he does then you will know how ass backwards our society is with hero worship.

I'm rooting for him to pull through but not at the expense of a child who never had a choice and there are plenty of those on the list.

Take on Oscar Pistorius sentence

The outlandish amount of jail time we give to -mostly black and Hispanic- kids in this country for minor drug possession is ridiculous but is matched by the opposite in places like South Africa apparently. I just saw that Oscar Pistorius is being released from jail to serve out the rest of his sentence under house arrest. I get that house arrest isn't total freedom but when you are a wealthy famous athlete, it is certainly not the worst thing in the world. I guess killing your girlfriend for a white man in South Africa is akin to a few grams of weed as a black man is in ours

Take on the all-day breakfast menu

When McDonalds announced the all-day breakfast menu a few weeks ago, it was the kind of innovative business decision that could be the answer to their woes. The problem is that people are moving away from McDonalds in droves and this will never be a long term answer to regaining their dominance. It's a novelty and a lame one at that

@elbump I feel the All-Day Breakfast menu at McDonalds is very "everybody gets a trophy for participating" you used to have to work for your Egg McMuffin

There is truth to that, although I've only been in the opposite place where at 10:30am I want a BigMac but they only have the steak and egg sandwich.

Maybe THAT is the answer. The all-day dollar menu

Take on the dirty water dog guy

Sometimes the TOR entrees just write themselves. There was a story in the DailyNews last week that said that a study found that foot cart operators do not change gloves enough which was as surprising as hearing that those dirty water dogs probably aren't all beef.
The study showed that most cart operator routines went something like this. Put on gloves, serve hot-dog, put on ketchup, give change, scratch nuts, sell pretzel, give change pick nose, spit in kraut, shove their own sausage into one of the buns to scare innocent looking Korean girl walking down the street, serve real hot-dog in same bun to unsuspecting tourist from Ohio, give incorrect change, pick toenail with hot-dog prong, take off glove and use hot-dog water to wash hands.

Take on the Twitter suggestions

Recently I noticed that sometimes I will see a tweet on my iOS Twitter app and it will give me the ability to read more about the subject matter.   It must be some kind of a.i. or whatever that works the logarithm and generally it is decent.   See a tweet that says RIP Lamar Odom and it might have a link under the post that says "read more about the 2008 Laker Team" or "more on the fun that is hookers and blow"

But it isn't that smart because a Deadspin article about a guy prancing Cameron Meredith during the draft as Bill Belichick offers a "best of Grey's Anatomy" option.  I have no idea what the Bears or Belichick have to do with that show as I have never seen a single second of it but and can only think that it featured a romance between Cameron and Meredith that rivaled the love of Jack and Janet

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Take on daily fantasy sports

You know that when Nevada orders you closed, it can only mean one of two things..you are incredibly shady and even the sin capital of the world wants nothing to do with you....or you are encroaching on their turf

When Nevada shut down Fan Duel and Draft Kings today, everybody assumes that the writing is one the wall.  I mean it IS gambling which this country doesn't tolerate unless it is in some desert, some scummy shore town or on sovereign Indian ground (or the state lottery but that is a different story) so you'd think that a game like this should have be banned but it hasn't and will not based on any legislation. 

It won't because it will grease the palms of every politician from here to Reno to keep it alive and it has plenty of grease to lubricate those palms. The only thing that can stop it is the wiseguys, bookies and casino bosses who will do anything to keep their piece of the pie and that will be the reason this enterprise eventually sinks...and I couldn't be happier because it might mean we can go back to BudLite and erection commercials which I miss 

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Take on the democratic debate

I may have been one of the only people in America to watch the democrats debate each other last night but as I know the TOR readers depend on me to give them hard analysis and hot takes, I felt it was my duty to sit through the snooze fest.   Well, I made it almost through an hour before I went to sleep because it was dreadful, there was no fire, no excitement and no pizzazz, which is what happens when you get use to a television star on stage and now you are left with a bunch of stuffy politicians.  
We'll start at the bottom
Lincoln Chaffee.  Never before has a man looked more uncomfortable on stage, the poor guy looked like he had to pee the entire time so you can't blame him for his "my dad had just died and I had no idea what I was doing"'comment on his vote on Glass-Steagall. What made it bad was that he looked like he was wearing a suit which was last worn by his dead dad when he made the comment and then immediately soiled it.  We predict that this will be the last we see of old Lincoln, not just on the debate stage but ever..if you pee in your dad's suit in front of a national audience, albeit it one that was mostly asleep, you are dead..unless your name is Billy Madison

Jim Webb

When your most memorable line is  "I've been waiting for ten minutes to have a chance to speak" then you know you had a rough night, especially if you said that exact same line four times.  We like old Jim but nobody else does and it is not clear to me, or anybody else apparently, why he is running.   He should go home and be with his hunting dogs and maybe find a doctor who can construct him a neck

Mark O'Malley.  

It is never a good sign when people can't remember if your name is Mike or Mark.  I don't know why this is but nobody called Mike Tyson, Mark Tyson but somehow everybody thinks Mark O'Malley might actually be Mike O'Malley and sadly for Mike/Mark, it doesn't matter.    I read earlier tonight that he looked like  he is a model for a cialis commercial which is a great call, Mike looks like the guy you need when you need to throw a football through a tire swing but on the debate stage he is a stiff as a board, maybe because he is with a little help from his purple friend.  He does appear to be running for Hillary's VP which is nice and all especially if he can help Bill out with some Spanish tail on the campaign trail but he should stay home for the next debate 

Bernie Sanders.   

Who would have guessed that yelling and screaming for an hour wouldn't go over well, the poor guy's got more charisma than anybody else on stage but when out up in front of the US public he looks like he should be running for a spot in the Muppets balcony, not president.    We like Bernie, sort of, but he looked lost.   When Anderson Cooper asked him to respond to a comment that Jim Webb didn't make he looked like he just woke up from a nap. He was so discombobulated that all he could mutter was "raise taxes on the rich" which was an odd answer to going in against Assad but whatever.   Between the yelling, the unwillingness to comb his hair and the mid debate nap, he was outclassed.  His best moment might have been the "everybody is sick of your damn emails" thing but we liked this 

https://twitter.com/gawker/status/654110900992000000 when he looked like he was picking up a penny that Jim Webb had dropped, just be glad that O'Malley wasn't standing next to him when he bent over 

Hillary

Your 2016 democratic nominee is Hillary Clinton daughter of a corrupt businessman, wife of a horny politician and mother of the topic of a Malcom XIII original.   She dominated a debate that showed the other four had no place being at.   She so outclassed and over-matched her "rivals" that is is scary especially because she has more skeletons than a Fangoria magazine. She was wrong on Iraq, criminal on Benghazi and dangerous on her emails but still she dominated and looked like a man amongst boys, a man in a terrible pant suit.   The establishment will rally around her, O'Malley will try to bone her with his 4 hour erection and she'll win this thing in a landslide and I still won't vote for her 

Take on the Jeb Bush Plant

Yesterday during some campaign event, Donald Trump got asked a bunch of tough questions by a young woman in the crowd, a young woman who also works for the Jeb Bush campaign. I saw Trump went nuts even claiming that CNN was part of the plan and of course the Jeb campaign immediately issued a statement saying she, Lauren Batchelder, was not a paid member of the staff and they had nothing to do with her being there even if all her social media timelines and biographies seemed to indicate she was. Social media info that she promptly deleted

I really can't comment on this other than to say that Jeb is obviously very afraid of Trump and for a guy who basically had the nomination handed to him on a silver platter, he has figured out a way to fumble this thing away like he is Ahman Green without the arm sleeves

But what is more disturbing and what will sink him completely is the photo that some Google-nerds came up with, it is of the Jeb with his arm around the girl. It is not that he's been photographed with her, he's probably been photographed with tens of thousands of people, it is that he looks like a child molester in the photo and she looks like his frightened captive

Take on Playboy

Wait a second, I think the apocalypse is upon us. Forget the fact that Cubs may win a World Series, Trump is leading in all the polls or that the worst team in our fantasy football league just put up 140, I just read that Playboy will be cutting out he nude spreads. Now I have not read Playboy since my subscription expire in college but I have to say that taking out the nudie pictures of Playboy is like kosher pizza. Yeah they have had a few fantastic interviews including the ones with Jimmy Carter, Steve Jobs, Martin Luther King and John Lennon and Yoko Ono. There has even recently surfaced a Joe Biden one from when he was a bachelor in the 70's but let's be serious, they haven't had an interview worth it's weight in decades

Take on the Democratic debate

We have to equal opportunity but trying to find any interest in the upcoming Democratic debate is a futile attempt. First of all, there are five people expected on the stage (not including a last minute WWE entrance by SuperJoeBiden). We follow politics but we have not idea that there was a candidate other than Hillary and Bernie, let alone three of them. The most important thing you need to know is that along with Hillary and Bernie, the other three are also old and white. Jim Webb, who we actually kind of like is the most recognizable out of the final three, and still has to pay for breakfast at his local diner, Martin O'Malley who lost his middle school secretary election to some girl with corn stuck in her braces and Lincoln Chafee who comes from a state so small that his entire extended family outnumber it and even they don't know he is running.
So it will be the old hag vs the old rag and really nobody cares because as much as Bernie gets great crowds, let's be serious, this is still Hillary's show to lose and lose she will

Take on Randy Quaid

Not since the death of John Ritter have we been more floored about the fate of a childhood hero than what has happened to one Randy Edward Quaid over the past five years. Every time we turn around he is either acting homeless, dressing homeless or literally being homeless which is the most recent string of events where he was kicked out of his house and basically his country. Randy Quaid fled to Canada like many republicans claimed they would do if Obama was reelected and democrats threatened to do when Bush Jr. was reelected before him. He fled instead of standing trial on a myriad of squatting, invasion and other crazy person crimes but the entire time we just assumed he was researching for the next Griswold adventure so we were good with it. I mean, who wouldn't want to see Beverly D'Angelo topless again. Then today he shows up on the Vermont border like a vagabond Walter White looking like a cross between Santa Clause and Bill Murray to prove again that he is not a hero for all Americans but he is one who does it looking like he is going to give you a present

We are convinced that he is not just the greatest American actor of our generation but also the greatest advocate for freedom of speech and beards


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Take on bicycle parking rates

In a city which now has more miles of bike lanes than St Louis has miles of roads, has a huge government backed bike-share program and has more terrible bikers per capita than anyplace else which when you combine it with ridiculous amount of congestion and crazy taxi drivers and even more crazy uber drivers. Well today when I walked out a garage I noticed the rates that they were charged and I was floored.
I pay $15 including taxes to park for 9 hours but right next door they charge $15 plus 8.75% tax for one hour. This means that for parking your bike which takes up virtually no space costs nearly $16.50 for one stinking hour

At that rate you can basically mean you can buy a second hand bike uptown and bike to work and just leave it on the street and buy another used bike to ride back up town

take on the least shocking story of the day

I read a horribly shocking story today about a guy accused of raping his fiancee's 12 year old daughter.. What was not shocking was the photo that accompanied the article, the guy in the picture had a complete face tattoo..  Forget your thoughts about capital punishment but in this case I hope they fry this dude and apply the wires directly to his balls.   Then I hope they take the mother and do the same thing to her because any parent who would leave their kid with a freak like this and not expect the worst, is themselves the worst..  I have never been more clear in my mind that we need a form of population control and these two losers should be first in line to go.

Take on the Matt Barnes/Derek Fisher confrontation

Matt Barnes got into his car after learning that Derek Fisher was bagging his estranged wife and drove 100 miles to kick his ass. I get the feeling of despair of having lost the love of your life, especially the type who has fantastic side boob (http://www.latinpost.com/articles/31493/20150112/matt-barnes-slams-his-ex-gloria-govan-for-topless-photoshoot.htm) but to drive 100 miles to kick the crap out of the crappiest coach in the NBA seems a bit ludicrous. They have been separated for a year and you have to think that there are a lot of other dudes who have shot the three into that chick since D-Fish got his grubby paws on her but still Barnes drove what has to have been an hour and a a half and then was still so pissed that he took to smacking around little Derek.

Can't wait for the first Knicks-Grizzlies game. The NBA is FANtastic

Take on the Dark Knight

Matt Harvey missed a mandatory workout because he was stuck in traffic proving again that he is no Dark Knight. Listen, we have all been there and have all overslept or been stuck in traffic..well actually I am an adult and this have not overslept in 20 years..but I digress.
The point is I am sorry your Spider-Man alarm didn't go off or you got stuck on the Grand Central Parkway or you forgot your cellphone at your friends house but we all know this is just your lame way of getting out of having to pitch in the postseason and to protect your little arm you six foot two pussy.
You are not Tom Seaver, you are not Tom Glavine you are not even Tom the Cat you are one big fat phony.

Take on the Port Authority XBL Lane

There is no more asinine concept in this world that the Exclusive Bus Lane (XBL).  Every morning you see something like this

@PANYNJ_LT: The Exclusive Bus Lane (XBL) to NY is experiencing a delay of 30 minutes due to a disabled vehicle in the center tunnel.

The issue is that it is a single lane running about 5 miles from the Turnpike to the tunnel and if a bus breaks down and your bus is sitting behind it, there is no way out.   And the only way for them to tow the broken down bus is to come from the tunnel side which they can only do once all the busses ahead of the broken down one are off the road which can easily take an hour.   

So @panynj_lt, thanks for the note that there will be a delay, sadly it came after we were already stuck in the vortex that is the Lincoln tunnel XBL Lane so it made no difference, oh yeah, and since you tweeted it and our bus driver cannot (or should not) be checking his TwitterDuck while driving, he would not have know about it anyway.. So really it is worthless 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Twitter App

I've been staring at the Twitter app update for three days as it just sits stagnant in my updates folder in the AppStore. It won't load, it won't update, it won't launch, it can't be deleted, it won't do anything and I am stuck trying to use TwitterDuck or TweeterTap to get updates from the sideline of the Jets-Fish game

Who knew how much of a necessity this thing is because these third party ones are no party at all.

Take on the US Weather Model

There is a fascinating article in today's Times about why the US Weather Model has fallen behind the ones used in Europe but they seem to forget one major point. They talk about meteorologists and maps and Doppler and radar and whatever but what they fail to mention is the real reason that US news outfits fall behind..because it is in their interest to.

Nothing brings eyeballs to the sets like an impending storm and as long as they can keep the intrigue and excitement going, the better for their ratings. This isn't that complicated, if you get your breaking news from a place which depends on ad revenue, you will get a slanted view there are no ifs ands or buts about it.it is pure capitalism

Take on the next school shooting

Saw somebody say yesterday that once Sandy Hook occurred and this happened to small children and nothing happened, that nothing will ever happen at this point. Which is sad, but probably true.

I'm not convinced we need to limit guns as much as I am that we need to keep guns out of the hands of people who shouldn't have them.  I can't believe that there is a sane gun owner who would object to the idea of keeping their beloved guns out of the hands of people who are mentality unstable.   The government tells you that you need a fence around your pool, you must be 21 to drink, that you cannot drive drunk, that you need a license and insurance to even drive a car, that you cannot carry a gun onto a plane but somehow having laws that would keep guns out of the hands of people who are mentally unstable makes people crazy

We need universal background checks not just for gun ownership but for gun use and we need every person who wants to have a gun go through a psychiatric evaluation cause, well, we don't need certain types having the ability to kill other types but we won't and we'll be back here again in no time 

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Take on Hurricane Joaquin

The possible hurricane that is leaving the Bahamas like a group of vacationers from Connecticut heading towards the Northeast has gotten every person I know person into a total frenzy. There is no model that puts this little rain storm anywhere near NYC until Monday night but I know a guy who has been checking the weather.com site every thirty minutes to monitor the situation as if there is something he can do to stop it. The local A&P is already out of water, the gas stations already have huge lines and on my commute home I heard people discussing the "greatest storm since the dinosaurs"

God I hope this thing shows up and drops a swinning pool on their roof and their roof alone.

Take on a bad arm (national) quarterback

Say what you will about George W Bush but that dude threw a perfect strike during the World Series in 2001, an event captured and recalled perfectly in the recent 30-for-30 short called First Pitch. Well Obama has never been able to hold his jock athletically (long soliloquies about our national identity are not a sport and neither is golf) and nothing makes that more clear than the photo he posted on his own Twitter account today
Obama is shown throwing a football in an empty stadium like he is at his very own combine and his form can only be described as "like a girl" as if would make throwing off the back foot seem correct.
His stride is ridiculously long, his hips are turned too quickly, his front hand leaves the ball too early, his weight is all in the front even before he has brought his arm back and he is holding the pigskin like it's covered in oil. I'm mean it does look better than Tim Tebow but that is not saying much as Obama has about as much of a chance of starting an NFL games does at this point as old Timmy.
This is not the picture of QB perfection we need to be throwing out there, just wait till ISIS gets a hold of this, cause they'll turn that into a pick-6

Take on "on accident"

I am far from the authority on grammar but there is one term that I hear often which bothers the hell out of me.  

People who will say that something happened "on accident".  I have always been of the believe that something happens by accident whereas when something happens for a reason it happens on purpose.  At least this is what I was taught in the second grade but I run across the on accident thing all the time. 

You tell me which is right.  

Cathy fell down at a kid's birthday party by accident but to be fair she did drink six glasses of Chardonnay on purpose 

Cathy fell down at a kid's birthday party on accident but to be fair she did drink six glasses of Chardonnay on purpose. 

I don't think it is close 

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Take on the port authority hip hop DJ

I walked into Port Authority the other day and was hit in the face with a wave of sound that almost knocked me on my ass. I don't know whose idea it was but for some reason part of my commuting cost is now being used for live entertainment and by live entertainment there is a deejay in the back corner blasting Salt n Peppa tunes for an audience of zero

Maybe it's part of their community outreach, maybe they are using it to scare away the homeless people, kind of like an invisible fence or maybe they hired the marketing firm for those cheesy girl clothing places in the mall but I find the entire thing irritating. Get off my lawn!!

Take on the "Mail it home kiosk"

As I went through the security at Columbus airport this week I saw a big Mail it Home Kiosk which allows you to send the stuff that security would have taken. I guess I appreciate the idea that you can save your vitamin water, large toothpaste or AK47 but what is odd is that they have this thing located AFTER the security all the way down the hallway. So what happens here

TSA guy "you can't take a grenade into the airport"
Terrorist guy. "sorry, can I mail it to myself?"
TSA guy. " sure take it down the hall next to gate 67 and mail it back to yourself and no funny business"
Terrorist "no problem buddy"

Take on the toe

Walking out of a six year olds birthday party today, I tripped over a paver stone which was set about a millimeter higher than the rest. I didn't hit the floor but the stinging on the top of my big toe was horrible. I get the kids together a look down and my entire flip flop is covered in blood. After some further inspection when wiping away most of the blood with a snot covered, ketchup stained paper towel I saw that a piece of skin, the size of a dime was dangling off the bottom of my toe and it was gushing like Old Geyser.
I cover it with a bandage which is meant for a shotgun wound and make my way over to my car leaving a trail of blood from the backyard down the driveway and into the street. I have to think some detective is going to think he just broke the case of his life if he pulls onto that street this afternoon.
I go home but my foot it throbbing and I'm losing pints of blood every 30 seconds. After a while my wife suggest I go to emergicare and have them look
The nice Asian Doctor basically pukes when he unwraps the gauze from around my toe, although I am not sure if it is because of the hanging chad or the fungus outbreak. He throws some antiseptic down on the toe which I imagine is just as much for his safety as mine and starts working in there. The last words I remember are "this shouldn't hurt too bad"
I wake up 6 hours later with my foot bandaged, my ego bruised and my five hole aching

What a day.

Take on The Pope

It is really a shame these Popes are so old when their name is finally met with white smoke billowing out of the Vatican because there really has not been a better leader of the Catholic Church than Pope Francis.   

Regular readers of this blog know my feelings towards the Church which stem mainly from their systematic coverup of wide spread pedophilia by way more priests than they've ever let on.  This alone is enough for me to not trust anything that comes out of that organization ever but add to that their archaic stances on marriage, divorce, life and contraception and I never thought I'd gain any admiration.  Then we meet Francis and see how far humbleness can carry for a man of the cloth, his positions on every virtually major church issue has been a giant leap forward and we finally have somebody in the church strong enough to address controversial issues with a mindset that 85% of the republican candidates for president are not able to.   He shows compassion where others show anger, he shows courage where others hide in fear and he shows humility where others push only their  agenda.   

This is a man to be admired

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Take on Xi Jinping's visit

With all the pomp and circumstance around the official state visit of Pope Francis, it should be noted that the more important official state visit will come later this week when Xi Jinping shows up in DC to throw down the gauntlet. There is no bigger global adversary to the US than China and it will be on full display this week. Yes we are on (relatively) good terms but the decision of these two countries whether or not to commence in a waltz will have ripple effects that will be felt for decades. Whether it is climate change, cyber security, Iran, North Korea, East Asian security, Taiwan, US debt held in China, Chinese dependency on the US to buy crappy wind up toys and electronics and who will take the place of world power in the next 50 years. Now there will be lots of talk, and handshakes and niceties and photo-ops but to gauge where China wants to go is critical.
This will be an interesting meeting and we will be watching

Take on Yogi

When I heard that Yogi Berra passed away this morning I had two thoughts

1- I thought he was dead already.  I guess I wasn't 100%sure but I would not have bet the house on it

2- I bet the entire day will be filled with lame Yogisms 

Well we definitely got a lot of those but it did remind me of the best Yogi story

But that is not what I remember about him most. I remember most that the other ball players always complained that Yogi Berra would stand naked at the clubhouse buffet and scratch his genitals over the cold cuts.

This guy won 10 World Series rings, was widely considered as one of the top three catchers of all time, caught the only perfect game in World Series history and never had a pitch call waved off and was a three time MVP, 18 time all-star but the thought of him rubbing his nuts over the bologna is one you will now never forget

Hope there is a nice pic-a-nick basket up in heaven big guy, and I hope you dump the entire thing over Steinbrenner's seersucker suit 

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Take on the Big Bang Theory

I was scrolling through CNN today and saw an article about whether or not there would be a big wedding in the Big Bang Theory. I was shocked? Not because Sheldon and Amy had split but rather that there is anybody, I mean literally anybody, who watches this show. I was honestly under the impression it went off the air with That 70's Show but now I am confronted with the fact that it is still very much on TV. How terrible are the show runners and writers in Hollywood that this dumpster fire has a ten year run on network television.
Please somebody tell me that they are laughing all the way to the trophy case with their multiple Emmy's and I will cut the cord tonight.

take on Scott Walker

UPDATE: Walker at 0% in new national poll

there has not been a presidential candidate that we have been more wrong about than one Scott Walker....  we loved Walker's chances at the Republican nomination when he announced his run but could not be less impressed with him after months on the campaign trail and two snoozefest performances at the debates.. Maybe it was the fact that we only knew about him and hadn't actually seen him in action but good god this guy looks out of his league and his latest poll numbers are in the George Pataki and Bobby Jindal range which basically means he should be voted off the island.

but since this probably our last chance to look at Walker before he bows out...

what bothers us about Walker are the following

- the guy looks like he could be standing on a sidewalk corner in a rain-jacket and no pants on.. there is something just weirdly creepy about him

- that haircut is just not presidential, you can't have a guy who has a bald spot that looks like it's growing at the rate the Arctic ice is receding 

- he looks like he has that terrible old guy deep-stomach breath.. like he hasn't flossed in a year

- his entire asymmetrical face is very distracting..  his one eye is just way too high on his forehead and the other looks like it sits in his cheekbone.. Now Scott, this is coming from somebody with the same weird face affliction and it sucks but you gotta stop showing your face in public, you look like Sloth


**edit, looks like we put the last nail in the coffin as all reports this afternoon are that captain bald spot is dropping out, that fall was meteoric**

Take on the NFL schedule

There are a few weeks in the NFL where you just scratch your head after looking at the schedule and this week is one of them. The NFL has 10 out of their 13 non prime time games scheduled at 1pm which makes for a great 1pm hour but makes for a dreadful afternoon especially since two out of the three afternoon games feature either the Raiders or Jacksonville. I get that the NFL can do no wrong financially but when they get a combined 3 rating today at 6:30pm, they should know why

Take on the green revolution

I have travelled the world but readily admit there are certain cultural phenomenons which I will ever understand. One of those is a new fashion statement in China with men seemingly growing small plants out of their heads..in the name of fashion or green living or green fashion I'm not sure. I can't say I actually witnessed this stupidity in person, I did see smog, ate bull testicles and came across a bunch of truly disgusting habits but this bean sprout head dress was not one I enjoyed

Take on the waitress weight limit

A boxer must meet weight, why wouldn't a waitress have to do the same thing?? This week a New Jersey court ruled that the Borgata, the only thing in all of Atlantic City which should not just get swallowed up into the sea, can regulate how heavy, or light, its waitresses are. I get that his will get some people's donuts in a bunch but the Borgata is selling an experience and that experience is not meant to look like those two twins on those motor cycles.

So get off your asses and shake them ladies, I'd certainly expect the male bartenders to not be able to walk in looming like the Simpson's Comic Book Guy.

Take on the second GOP debate

Here are a few things we learned after staying up way too late watching the second republican debate

Scott Walker has an incredibly asymmetrical face, his one eye sits up at 2 o'clock while the other sits down at 9 o'clock. It is very distracting

Ted Cruz. I wouldn't leave my daughter in a room with him, if I had a son I wouldn't leave him in a room with him either. this guy is a complete creep and has a Subway Jared feel to him

Jeb Bush. He seemed the same lifeless, passionless dweeb he always come across as. His marijuana admission gave him no traction, almost like he was trying to prove he was a cool kid when everybody knows that in high school guys like Trump gave him wedgies behind the lunchroom. At least his brother was probably a true cool kid with his coke induced trips.

Kasich. The guy is the only adult in the room although the entire time he looked like he had to take a leak. He couldn't stand up straight and his eyes were bloodshot, I'm afraid the best candidate might be dying in front our very eyes

Carli. Trump should have told her the truth, that her face looks like a Picasso. Can't wait for her to fire 30,000 Americans

Trump. His bravado was a bit tempered and he seems to be building some kind of budding friendship with Carson but he is still the star of the show

Carson. If Walker looks stoned, Jeb looks like he needs a 5-hour energy, Carson looks like he needs to be strapped on a gurney and given those heartattack shock pads. This guy speaks so slowly it makes my skin crawl

Christie. He should have said his code name would have been "cheeseburger". The dude is literally twice as wide as any other candidate although he did have a few moments and I love when he dukes it out with....

Rand Paul. He actually made some sense yesterday. He is right about ISIS, was right about Iraq and is 1000% right on marijuana. He is also probably 5'4" and has a shitty haircut.

Huckabee Save everybody some time and just go home

Rubio. He is so scripted it's like he is a cross between an elephant and a robot, one that needs a bottle of Poland Spring

Take on a poor choice of accompanying photo

I'm a bit of a politician junkie and can easily be baited to click any article discussing the dysfunction of the GOP or the sheer ineptitude of the Democrats, so it wasn't shocking to anybody when I clicked on an article from the Times yesterday that said "Online Ad for Jeb Bush Paints Dark Picture of Donald Trump"

What was shocking was the accompanying photo which showed a black couple standing in front of a house, an interesting tableau when calling Jeb out for painting a "dark picture".
I am not even sure what the article was about but the headline along with the photo certainly sounded like it was trying to show that Jeb Bush was making Donald Trump out to be a black man living in some 1500 square foot dump in suburban hell...and really that isn't nice because we all know The Donald wouldn't be caught dead in some prefab hellhole like this

Take on the do-not like button

I have not logged onto Facebook in more that two years but they finally did something right. I read today that they are adding a Do Not Like button which must be is welcome addition for all the moms and grandmothers who don't like their yenta friends

I am not sure what it is but the entire idea of Facebook got so tired and from speaking to people now they all -finally- agree. Facebook is the anti-cool, it is what your mother or grandmother does, nor what your hip cousin does and that should tell you all you need to know.

Take on the AMC Times Square

I always thought the order for not going to a movie theater in Times Square was, in order
1-loud patrons who talk and yell throughout the entire movie
2-the fact it costs a week salary to go
3-ex-Mayor little-nut's decision that you are not allowed to buy a large coke

But now I am convinced that there is a new reason which might get to #2 on the list. Nothing will beat out the top choice because you can't hear yourself think let alone enjoy the movie but now there is a bed-bug scare which makes the old seedy 42nd street movie seats seem sort of safe. Who the hell wants to pay $15 to go see two unfunny people like Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg try to remake a classic like Over the Top and now have a risk of not just wasting two hours of your life but getting the crabs all over your body??

Time to shut the entire Times Square thing down.

Take on the guy who has given up

There's nothing sadder than the guy who has just given up. I see a poor schlep today in his CRV wearing those zebra NFL pants, with uncombed hair, a stones tshirt as he is blasting Kanye. You just know this guys has hit that time in fatherhood when you want to jump off a cliff but knowing you'd just wake up to find it to be a nightmare because I know exactly how he feels

Take on first grade soccer

Coach Righetti. "Good morning Men, welcome to first grade Fùtbol, this will be an intense year where we will seperate the men from the boys"

Sally "coach, half of us a girls?"

Coach. "Never admit that out loud you sally. Now, our first rule will be that this game is referred to by only one name, fùtbol, if you refer to it as anything else you are a sham and you can take your pink cleats and go join the ballet.
The second rule is that you will refer to me as "sir" or "coach sir". Anything else will result in 25 deep squats. Am I clear?

Team "Yes sir"

Coach. "Good. Now, I want to warn you that this is not some lame participation league where kids get a trophy for picking daisies. We are here for one thing and one thing only...to win. Anything less is unacceptable and will not be tolerated out of you fairies"

Jane. "So we don't get a trophy?"

Coach. "You are a bright one, We will push you harder than you've ever been pushed, you will run more than you ever have before and you will not stop until your body gives out. Somebody once said it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, that somebody was a loser.

Billy. But my dad says that the game should be fun "

Coach "I don't know if you have ever lost but it sucks, there are no smiles on the losers sideline, no jokes, no fun. If you want to get a trophy for playing then go play tag or dolls because that is not this. We will make you into a lean, mean soccer machine"

Mandy " I thought it was Fùtbol?"

Coach. "Drop down and give me 50 push-ups and none of those girly push-ups with your knees on the ground and your ass way up on the air.
Now, where were we? Yes the goal is winning, and the way we win is to outwork, out-hustle, out practice and out-smart the opponent. Sadly you guys don't look like a real bunch of athletes but we'll change that. First we will do 10 wind-sprints, then 50 push-ups, 100 crunches and 50 deep knee bends, the one who finishes last can take their cleats and trade them in for ballet slippers because obviously this is not for you"

Joey. "Wait I thought this was chess club"

Coach. "Get out of here you pansy, The goal is to kick a ball into a goal and beat the opponent which serves as a great analogy for life, winners beat losers and unless you want to be a loser, you better figure out how to win.
Anybody shows up in jeans or pants can go right over to OfficeMax and get a job there because you have no future."

Debra. "Will we all get to play in the game?"

Coach. "No this is the real world you communist, we play to win and only our best players will play in the game.. If you want to play at your skill level join the town rec league"

Curtis. I thought this was the town rec league?"

Coach: "time for you to go back and sit on mommy's lap mama's boy"

Betsy "can I get some water"

Coach "We do not believe in piss breaks or water breaks, hydration will be a reward for hard work not an excuse to avoid it. If you want to play with your water bottles I suggest you go to the splash park and leave space on this team for kids with heart..now bring it in"

Take on 9/11

Today we bow our heads, bow them for those who have lost their lives but know that they will never be forgotten and nobody has left a bigger impression on us than one Johnathan Southworth Ritter, the original king of comedy..   He made us laugh, he made us cry, he made us forget that being a homosexual was supposed to be frowned upon but he always made us smile.   Living with two women who pranced around in tight shirts and short shorts could not have been easy for young Jack as he tried to keep it in (his pants) but somehow he always made the best of it even if that meant breaking up the original threesome for a different –slightly worse- threesome and then breaking up that group for an even worse combination.   Because nothing was more brilliant than Jack and Janet and Christmas Snow and the Ropers and the Larry all drinking at the Regal Beagle.. Christ that was fun

We'll never forget buddy.. 

Take on the People Judge me Because I am pretty chick

Some chick who nobody in their right mind would rate above a 6.0 posted the following on cosmopolitan.com(don't ask)

People Judge Me Because I'm Pretty(http://www.cosmopolitan.com/lifestyle/a45917/people-judge-me-because-im-pretty/)

I'm a girly girl. I'm 5-foot-5 with blonde hair, big hazel eyes, 34DDs, and toned calves. You can typically find me in heels and a dress or a skirt. You can also find me glaring at sleazy subway passengers and sidewalk catcallers who think it's going to benefit them to call me "babe" or that it's clever to say, "The things I would do to you, honey," at all hours of the day. Cut to me dumping the rest of a scalding hot espresso down my throat and putting on my biggest ***** face until I reach my destination.......It also shows that I demand to be respected, both my body and my mind, because believe it or not, there's more to me than just my looks.

Follow Felicia on Instagram.

I get that this chick thinks she's the second coming of Pamela Anderson but as has been pointed out repeatedly her face looks more like Steve Buscemi meets that Very Hungry Caterpillar.   She has horrible eyebrows, no upper lip, terrible hair, horrendous makeup and looks like she popped about fifteen quaaludes but wait she has big cans so she (thinks) she must be hot 

What is most interesting is that a chick who complains that people are only interested in her (stunning) looks asks you to follow her on Instagram. 

It really does give some insight on a chick forget what you look like, as long as you have a big chest you can convince yourself you are smoking hot. 

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the gigantic head

When somebody said the other day that Hillary has a big head, I didn't quite realize how literal they might have been. I saw a stock photo today of some appearance on an Ellen who is an equally bad dresser and it is shocking how gigantic that nugget on her shoulders is. It is even more shocking to think she can stay balanced with that bowling ball on her neck. I mean, Hillary looks like was drawn by Charles Schultz, she is truly the real life Lucy

take on the NEW CNN.com

CNN LOVED that Malaysian plane crash more than anybody should have, they are eating up every word that Trump says and now they've gone another step towards total tabloid..  I was on CNN.com today and I could NOT believe my eyes, the entire thing looks like I'm looking at something Perez Hilton would put out.   

forget the hard hitting news, this is now TMZ lite, look at the colors, look at soft font, look at the face-lift on Lou Dobbs, look at the content they cover.    I get that they can't put a dent into FoxNews but this is embarrassing..

Ted Turner is turning over in his grave while Jane Fonda points an anti-aircraft missile at it. 

Take on Kim Davis

I am 100% for equality, I celebrated when the SCOTUS ruled on gay marriage and I presided over one as the minister of the people, so my opinion on the subject is airtight. With that said, when we read that the Kentucky clerk was jailed for refusing to issue licenses, even we thought it went too far. We believe that if she is unwilling to do her job, she should be fired for insubordination but I cannot think of a good reason to jail her. It doesn't set a message, it is actually counter productive as it only makes her a martyr for a ridiculous positron. She is a crazy religious bigot but taking a position which we don't agree with should not a criminal offense and having her rot in jail embraces the kind of ideology we are rallying against and she stands for and does nothing for a progressive movement.
Fire her for insubordination, dock her pay, put a bad review in her personnel file but let her walk out and crawl back into her miserable hole

Take on Matt Harvey

Reason 124 why baseball sucks: innings limits

God baseball is the worst, they can't get out of their own way even when things are going well because, thy are stuck between thinking they are a sport and realizing they are just a skill.

Baseball does everything wrong: the game is boring, there are too many pitching changes, they now rely on sabermetrics which are idiotic, the games are too long and now they allow agents to dictate how pitchers should be used.
A few years ago the Nationals shut down Stephen Strasburg because of his agent and now the same idiot is jumping in and telling the Mets that they can't pitch Matt Harvey more than 180 innings even if that means sitting out the playoffs an a serious World Series run, something Met fans have been waiting for since before most of them had hair in hair on their nuts.

This is the hypocrisy of Matt Harvey, he gets credit for being a bulldog yet his daddy won't let him get his arm sore, he claims to be a grinder yet when the pennant chase is on he gets his agent to threaten to shut him down and he gets credit for being the ace of the staff although deGrom is better and now he is threatening to sit out the postseason. Some people will blame Boras but I don't, he works for Harvey and he tells the media what Harvey and his daddy want to get out there. If Harvey changes his mind he'll come across as some kind of Willis Reed hero, which is completely unfounded as it's a 'crisis' that he himself manufactured


If MLB had any balls they'd tell Scott Boras and all of his cronies to get the hell out of the way and let baseball players be baseball players. I wasn't alive but I have to think Bob Gibson would have pegged his manager, agent or anybody else who dare take him out of a playoff game, Cy Young lost more games than most other pitchers actually pitches and Sandy Koufax pitched a gem on 2 days rest in the playoffs because of Yom Kippur. Those guys are grinders, ballers and bulldogs, Matt Harvey is a chihuahua carried around in his daddy's purse

Take on the pillow fight

When I read that 30 West Point cadets got injured Ina pillow fight I thought that people are really doing this wrong. These guys are trained to kill bad guys and instead spend their pent up rage beating each other to the tune of broken legs, arms and concussions and we wonder why these guys don't come back totally normal after actual tours overseas.
I've had a couple of pillow fights in my life and I can see how they can get out of hand, out of hand when you are trying to do it with a bunch of hot coeds but when you start stuffing your pillow with helmets to try to inflict brain damage to your fellow classmates, I think the "right of passage" might have gone just a bit too far

Take on Beijing's parade blue sky

I was in Beijing two weeks ago and looking out of my cab's window I commented that in 15 trips to China I had never seen such a nice blue sky. That wasn't entirely true as the sky was the same color when I was there in September or 2008 but it was as noticeable now as it was then. I have reported often how you cannot see the building next to yours when looking out of the window and how you can feel grit in your teeth when you walk but nothing somebody tells you can prepare you for the utter despair you see when you get there in terms of clean air, September 2008 not withstanding.
The reason that it had been that clear 7 years ago was well documented, factories had been shut down, cars were pulled off the road and coal fired power plants were shuttered for months in anticipation of the Olympics, which were to be China's showcase to the world on how far it had come. They were ultimately successful as world class athletes set world records and the festivities and pomp and circumstance were applauded worldwide
But it was not to last and when I was back in China six months later, the skies were back to being Beijing grey, a color palate you should be able to find on MS Paint. China went back to business as usual as the cameras stopped rolling but TOR did not stop observing
Well this month was another surprisingly blue sky and now I know why. First I assumed it was for the world championship in track and field,the first time that Usain Bolt would be back in The Birdsnest but later I realized it as bigger than that. China was putting on a massive parade to commemorate the end of The Great War against Fascism and they wanted to have a blue sky for the tableau.
Well they once again shut down factories, pulled cars off the road, shot chemicals in the air and closed the coal firing power plants and within a few weeks accomplished their goal. The skies were blue for the big parade and China got to showcase their impressiveness for the world to see but we remain skeptical that it is anything other than show and tell.

Take on the bored lady

Jeb Bush gave a boring low energy speech about health care proxies and Medicaid expansion in New Hampshire and, not surprisingly, some lady in the front row fell asleep.  I have to believe that the Bush campaign is serving black coffee and five hour energy to people before they have to sit in front of him drone one about his grand plans for entitlement reform because he has to be one of the most boring people to have ever lead (although briefly) a national campaign.  This dude makes Mitt Romney look like the pillar of fun and John Kerry the life of the party and those two dudes are as stiff as Bob Dole. 

One thing that we've learned is the stiff guy never wins the election.  

Mitt

Kerry

Dole

Dukakis

Mondale

Gore

Ford

Even McCain was stiff but that is more a  literally description, that poor dude couldn't lift his arms up 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the new Google logo

When I first scrolled over to google and saw they had changed their logo, I just assumed it was one of the regular daily changes they make to commemorate an event, a holiday or a specific news story so didn't think much of it. Today I found out that this is their new permanent logo, one where they have gotten rid of all the serifs that make a letter look like it was meant to be typed in this century. I get why they did it (consistent look for mobile apps) but really wonder why they want to appear like they were designed and typed on a Commodore 64.

Google is the new Microsoft

Take on the horrible LinkedIn photo

I got notification from LinkedIn about a bunch of new skills that people added: one buddy is now proficient at air-drumming, another is now also practicing criminal law, a third was endorsed for a new skill and another got a fancy new title.  It was all mundane and boring and not enough for me to pay much attention to, but the one update that caught my eye was the hostage photo one buddy posted this week.   

The poor guy looks like he is wearing his father's suit, has that glassy look over his face and looks like he should be holding up a copy of a current newspaper while telling his mom and dad that he loves them.. 

hang in there little buddy, help is one the way.