Take on the scaffolding

It seems that you can't see blue sky anywhere you walk in NYC anymore.
This is not because we all of a sudden turned into Beijing West,
although we have noticed a tick up of people cutting their toenails on
both the F and D trains, but because the entire city is littered with
scaffolding. It seems that scaffolds go up but no actual work is ever
done and thus they never come down.

Having lived in a small walk up on this city and sitting on it's co-op
board, I know exactly why this is. Basically the facades of many of
the small and medium sizes buildings are crumbling and the cost for
repair is astronomical without any real assurance that the repairs
will actually work.
What many landlords, condo boards, management companies etc are opting
to do is not repair anything but instead out up scaffolding to protect
people walking on the sidewalk from getting pelted with debris. I
think the city will write these permits for scaffolding for a year at
a time and collect a nice fee and then re-up the permit over and over
again without ever demanding that something actually gets done about
the facades.

So instead of owners of buildings taking some responsibility for
repairs the people of NY have to deal with these unsightly structures
all over town. I know of one scaffold on 5th avenue in Brooklyn near
Carroll Street which I think has been up for a decade. So much for
beautification, fresh air and the feeling of not being completely
claustrophobic

Take on the bus selfie

Sorry for the second public transit post in a row but there is
something I need to get off my chest. Why the hell do people use the
time they are commuting on public transportation as one to take a
selfie. First of all, selfies are lame especially if they are ones
you take for the sole purpose of posting what you look like on
spacebook or Instagram. I get ones that are funny or quirky and
completely accept ones that capture a great moment, awesome adventure
or accomplishment and anyone with a kid in it is always acceptable but
when you see a grown woman fixing her hair to take a photo to send to
the unwashed masses, I cringe. You are obviously concerned about how
you are perceived otherwise you wouldn't take 50 of them to try to get
your best angle but what exactly is the point of it when you are
flanked by a subway ad for Dr. Zizmor, the stench of a homeless person
or some slob drooling on himself as he catches up on sleep, not to
mention the light isn't any good. Wait till you get home and take one
without your clothes on

Take on the bus swear box

Why is it that you can never get a comfortable ride on the bus, even
when you get lucky enough to actually get a seat, you are likely to
sit next to some 300 pound guy drooling on your jacket as he's
sleeping. It's not just that sleeping people on the bus is
disgusting, it is the fact that the entire cabin becomes one giant
breath box. The AC never works so the humidity is sky-high, the fans
are always clogged with remnants of human skin and the smell of the
exhaust is only slightly covered up by the smell of some dude's
kimchee lunch breath.

Life blows

Take on the Connecticut lottery

It's been often said that lottery is a tax on the poor as they spend
an overwhelming portion of their income on something that has about as
much chance as coming true as Santa showing up and getting stuck in my
chimney But the more I think of it, maybe it's not just a tax on
the poor but a tax on the stupid because the sign I caught today at a
CT rest-stop had to lay out the odds of winning at scratch-off for a
bunch of middle school students. This sign admirably tried to
explain that a one in five chance didn't actually mean that you would
win something every fifth ticket but that overall those were the odds
but after reading the full page I thought to myself that the person
who needed this in the first place probably still didn't get it.

That anybody can be so stupid to think that this seems like a good
investment is ludicrous and makes me wonder if, on this Election Day,
we shouldn't be forcing people to take a basic IQ test before pulling
a lever.

Take on the Dunkin Donuts no tipping policy

I can't say I have often tipped at a drive through but today I found
out that at a place like Dunkin Donuts it's not even possible.
Although I can't think of a good reason to do it, I also can't think
of a good reason why you cannot tip. What could possibly be bad
about me throwing $0.32 to a high-school dropout after he delivers me
a large dark roast and leaves me no room for cream and sugar. If you
aren't going to give them a living wage, let me at least throw the guy
enough to not totally afford a Dunkin coffee

Take on Daylight Savings

There is no greater example of government overreach than daylight
savings time. This giant kickback to the farming industry is a giant
example of government waste which has the because I hate having to
leave work in the pitch dark and with small kids the extra hour of
sleep doesn't really help because they don't know or care that
somebody decided that 6am is now 5am

Screw the farmers, let them get up with the sun and not worry about
what it says on the clock, it's not like the cows or sheep realize it
anyway, if anything it's an adjustment the animals have to make for
now good reason which is stressful and puts more hormones in our food

Take on Elsaween

I have a five year old daughter so of course she insisted on one thing
this Halloween. It wasn't to stay up late or to stuff herself full of
candy, the only thing she wanted was to don a blue dress and white
gloves. I tried to reason with her, I plead with her, threatened
her, tried to bribe her but nothing worked, Elsa overpowers all.
What is wrong with a scientist, an astronaut or a cat?? Sadly,
nothing compares to the power of Elsa and she could not be talked out
of it.

So instead of something original, she went to school today along with
fifty other girls dressed exactly the same, the place looked like a
North Korean prison camp with everybody dressed alike

Take on the new Victoria Secret ad

Saw an uproar over the latest Victoria Secret ads because apparently
certain women are taking offense to the "The Perfect Body" theme they
have going on. Maybe it's because all the chicks are hot, toned,
skinny and have huge breasts or maybe it's because they all appear
white but it sounds like somebody pissed in the mashed potatoes of an
entire ground of people who are probably not nearly as skinny, big
breasted or white. But the truth is that having somebody define the
perfect body has been going on forever, Michelangelo created the
perfect man he didn't give him a bowed legs, a small winky and a beer
gut.

Now I like a little meat on the bone but Victoria Secret has been
using the same algorithm to pick their models for ages, not sure why
now there is an uproar.

take on Jose Canseco

he dream is over.   Jose Canseco's return to baseball has been
derailed by a self inflicted gunshot wound when he shot off his middle
finger while cleaning out his gun.   Now you may ask why somebody
would have any interest in Canseco and should feel for him and his
latest tragedy, I remind you that he is the author of the greatest
story ever sold.

Canseco is more than his million dollar arms, his $1000 smile and his
$2 head, he's a legend.  He single-handedly brought down the steroid
era with his inside the locker room allegations in his tell-all book,
but even that isn't his greatest accomplishment, nor was his 40-40
season.   His greatest accomplishment was having the world believe the
head that the ball bounced off into the stands belonged to him when in
fact it was his twin brother Ozzie's head which serves as the
springboard for the greatest play in baseball history.
(http://takeonrighetti.blogspot.com/2013/07/take-on-legend-of-jose.html?m=1)

ball hits off of Ozzie's head

this wasn't the first time that Ozzie stood in for Jose

Ozzie impersonated Jose at a celebrity boxing match

Ozzie impersonated Jose at Celebrity Apprentice and VH1's the surreal life

so we can only hope that Ozzie was standing in for Jose this time, too..  and if not, the least Ozzie could do now is offer him one middle finger, since we know all Ozzie needs is a head

Take on the line for a bus pass

How could it be that in 2014 you still have to wait on some endless
line to buy a bus pass. NJ transit is horrible but at least they have
(very slow) ticket machines but get to one if the other bus companies
like Coachline or Academy and you are waiting in a kind which is
longer than free Ebola vaccinations, all for the pleasure of deal with
some of the most brain dead grumps in the entire world who make you
feel like selling a ticket for a bus is the equivalent of buying a
kidney

Take on the future

It took me an hour and twenty five minutes to get to work today which
is more or less standard and as I sat in traffic I begged the good
lord to come up with a solution. Well when I walked out of hell on
earth aka Port Authority, my future awaited. Some dude wearing a
tinfoil gay with a huge sign stating he had figured out the traffic
problem. We'd not talking Gridlock Sam solutions of avoiding certain
roads or highways but a solution which would change all commuting for
ever.
The solution is personal airplanes that land like helicopters on the
roofs of NYC buildings which sounds about as reasonable as catching
Ebola from a bowling ball

Take on the discount coldcut

When I saw a bunch of organic turkey on sale, I knew something must be
rotten in Denmark, or better yet in Target. The meat was marked down
more than 50% but still hanging in the same refrigerated display case
right next to all the other processed meats. It looked like a deal
too good to be true and when I looked at the expiration date,
10/15/14, on the package I knew why. Being that it was 10/23/14, it
almost seemed like the deal hey were offering wasn't good enough. If
I wanted discounted expired organic meat I need at least a 75%
discount before I am interested.

I guess they simply balance preservatives with an extended calendar.

Take on the random Asian

I probably know more Asians than most people, went to a high school
that was 55% Asian, have seen both Depeche Mode and Erasure in
concert, Have been to Asia more often than just about anybody I know
and I have a long history of dating Asian chicks but even with all
that assumed knowledge, you'd think I wouldn't catch myself in
completely embarrassing situations.

I ran into some Asian guy who went to college with a great Asian
friend of mine about twenty years ago. He immediately recognized me
but even after he mentioned twenty people we knew in common, I
couldn't really place him although I played it off fairly well. It
wasn't till he said his name, Tommy Kim* (name changed to protect the
innocent), that I sort of remembered him. I didn't look like a total
dipshit but when he reminded me that ,coincidentally, I also knew his
wife, Susan Kim* (name changed to protect the innocent), who I went to
high school with, I knew he thought that there was no way I remembered
her.

Anyway, fast forward an hour and some Asian chick walks up to me and
says "you look familiar". She looks as familiar to me as any random
Asian chick would and for a second I think that maybe I've hit that
spot in my life where I can't tell anybody apart but not wanting to
admit to it, I say "yes, Susan Kim* we went to high-school together,
you are married to Tommy Kim". She looks at me and says, "I'm not
Tommy* Kim's wife Susan* Kim, I'm Laurie Kim*, married to Tony
Kim*(name changed to protect the innocent Asian)

I ducking knew I didn't know her but because she said she knew me, I
assumed that it must be Susan Kim.

Now I am sure Tommy Kim is going to tell my buddy that his high-school
boy is a racist cracker who can't tell Asians apart.



Sent from my iPhone

take on the gay sitcom

saw a headline on gawker.com today stating "rooting for TV's longest running gay-marriage to fail" and before I clicked the link I racked my brain trying to figure out which one it was

- I'm guessing The New Normal sucks

-  Ellen isn't a sitcom, so it wouldn't qualify and I'm not even sure she's still married to Rosie

- My Two Dads has been off the air for like two decades

- Maybe it's the new Al Bundy show with the big fat gay guy and the skinny dorky one, but why would you root for that one to end considering they have that little Mexican kid

- Orange is the new Black is about a prison I think, not sure if there is any gay-marriage

well, I click on the link and apparently there is a gay couple in Grey's Anatomy which surprised me for two reasons

- I had no idea this show was still on the air

- I had no idea there was a gay couple on it.

anyway, good for them good for ABC (or NBC I can't remember) and good for us because nobody wants to see a good gay marriage succeed like we do, or don't..

also, the chick in the picture has a weird Shannen Doherty type eye with one sitting in the middle of her face and the other looking like it belongs to Sloth from Goonies..

Take on the Ebola thing

Every couple of days there is a new scare when somebody who got in
contact with somebody who knows somebody who has Ebola decides to go
out for a beer. I get that we should put anybody who has ever
travelled to Africa, knows anybody who has ever travelled to Africa or
been in vicinity of anybody who knows anybody who has ever been to
Africa or has ever seen The Gods Must be Crazy but somehow this
becomes like the Kevin Bacon thing and before long we're all sitting
in a closed room. Now I am not saying that a doctor who has been
elbow deep in an Ebola case's ahole should be going bowling but some
of this is getting a bit ridiculous. There have been 3 confirmed cases
in a country of 300,000,000 (not counting the ones coming over the Rio
Grande) and we're taking this thing more seriously than a billion
other things which kill way more people in this country.

I sort of take it this way, don't go and lick the floor of an Ebola
ward, don't stick your tongue in the five-hole of an Ebola patient and
don't touch anybody on an airplane ever.

Take on Rene Zellweger's face

All the talk the last few days is Rene Zellweger's face which went
from looking like it was stung by a thousand bees to looking like a
Meredith Vieira clone. I get that people want to improve their look
but somehow the Botox thing is one that never quite looks right. One
day you look like Joan Crawford and the next you look like Joan
Rivers.
But it's particularly sad when it happens to somebody like Zellweger
because only a few years ago she was primed to become America's
sweetheart when she made at least two grown men cry during Jerry
Maguire with her little chubby face and now she looks like Cher whose
clone has made at least one man cry in his Coorslite

Take on red

Years ago I was out to dinner and a friend of one of the people I was
hanging out with was going to meet us for a drink before they went out
dancing. I was already approaching old-fart territory, so I wasn't
going to join them (nor was I asked to)

I knew the two were going out because the one chick was having issues
with her boyfriend and she needed a night out to clear her mind and
blow off some steam. I didn't think much of it when she showed up but
every chick at the table commented on her red shirt. It wasn't
anything all that out of the ordinary, not lower cut or more revealing
than anything but when one said "see you decided to wear red" the
other one giggled

It took some prodding but apparently girls looking to hook up will
consciously wear red and all chicks around her know this. It's some
kind of magic sign that they are all aware of and if two chicks show
up in red it could mean fireworks (of a three-way). Maybe this is the
equivalent if a dog peeing on a lawn but this would have been very
good information to have been privy to when I was single

Take on the 59 degree Polar Vortex

Is there anything more ridiculous than the way people dress when the
temperature drops below 60 for the first time in the fall? As
@ordiomongo pointed out so eloquently, people acted like the city is
going through a polar vortex this morning. I get not wanting to die
of frostbite but the different between 61 and 59 is only two degrees
but apparently also the difference between rational thought and
thinking you are living in an igloo
What annoys me most about this is that you sit on a bus next to a guy
wearing one of those Stay Puft sub-zero, artic edge puffy jacket which
means that they have made the conscious decision to invade my entire
personal space

Take on the immunity boost

When you write a daily complain blog, you sometimes have to find a way
to see the brighter side of things. Sometimes it's the fact that
seven people actually read your rants (hello CF, CN, OM, DB, SS, JM
and RL), other times it actually let's you serve as a public
announcement for the betterment of the world (uggs in the summer) but
mostly it allows you to find a place to get out your anger and I read
recently that this act alone can help you live longer. Supposedly
by releasing energy you can get a boost of energy like a bottle of
five-hour energy without the whiskey-dick, which boosts health and
increases immunity.
Who knows, maybe they'll find the only people able to fight off Ebola
are the ones who complain the most

Take on the Uggs

Is there a worse look than some broad walking around in 79 degree
weather wearing a dress with uggs? Uggs are an awful look in winter
but during an Indian Summer with pale legs it's atrocious. If you
want to wear boots, go leather knee-highs, otherwise put on some 3
inch heels and be done with it

Take on Ebola

Ebola is no joking matter but when I talk with people about what
should be done, some of the suggestions are comical. Close the
borders, quarantine loads of people and burn planes to the ground are
all suggestions I've heard this week. I get that getting Ebola under
control is important but I am not sure that Obama's call on an Ebola
Czar is going to go any better than the president's Drug Czar or the
Teenage Sex Czar. These Czar's always seem to get a lot of press
and then fizzle out when it turns our they are just two-bit
politicians looking for exposure.
Closing the boarders to anybody who has been to Africa seems a bit
extreme and considering how well closing boarders works in Mexico, I
am not sure how effective it will even be. Quarantining people makes
sense when they are infected but suggestions of quarantining entire
flights seems a bit excessive and burning down planes is probably a
good idea if for no other reason than some of those 737's are really
dingy looking.

Here is an idea, why don't we lock anybody with Ebola up inside the
congressional hall along with all members of congress, we'll keep the
disease confined amongst victims and play a little game of Darwin with
some of the worst people in America at the same time

Anyway, showing up at the airport with a homemade Ebola outfit is
going to lead to some ridicule but if that's the only way you see
yourself making it to Disney World, more power to you

Take on Sammy Sosa's bleached face

Back in 1998 when the world was captivated by the McGwire and Sammy
Sosa as they chased Roger Maris' home run record*, both guys had their
faces plastered everywhere. McGwire looked like a juiced up James
Hetfield while Sammy looked like a Macy's day parade balloon of fat
kid in Little Rascals. The entire season felt magical and for a brief
second you thought that baseball didn't suck

Fast forward 16 years and after the congressional hearings,
investigations, HOF snubs and shrinking ball-sacks, neither player has
any of the luster he had back when chicks dug the long ball, McGwire's
slowly rebuilding his reputation within baseball as a ball boy or
bullpen catcher or something but Sosa's stayed out of the limelight.
I figured he's gone into hiding in the Dominican Republic which might
make sense since, as far as Congress knows, he doesn't speak any
English but now it's come out that he might have been hiding in plain
sight, you just don't recognize him anymore because he's pulled a
Michael Jackson and apparently bleaching his face to look more like
BigMac who always looked like he was doused in acid

Anyway, he sucks, McGwire sucks and baseball sucks. The only that
doesn't suck is George Brett who is great

$10 says Sam Sosa played hide the bat with BigMac that year..

Take on Kim Jong Un

Is there a more despicable looking human than the fat toad running
North Korea?? This guy rules over a third world country, constantly
devaluating the currency to prop up a huge military machine all while
his people starve and his infrastructure crumbles....plus he made all
Koreans get a mandatory terrible haircut which is even more insulting
to common decency
But really what bothers me is that he has somehow gotten fatter and
uglier as he's taken over and consolidated power. Maybe living the
good life of whiskey, porn and Kimchee has gotten the better of him
but between his rice bowl haircut, mental patient reverse hand clap
thing and his gigantic second chin, you'd almost forget that he's
allegedly hung like a peanut. But if that isn't bad, this Korean
marshmallow looks like he has put on 50 pounds since taking over for
his daddy a few years ago. Sometimes weight is good but in this case
it's the total opposite he filled out his Korean layer of blubber to
look like a walking manatee.

Take on the sperm bank mixup

Not sure if you have been following the story of the two women suing
their sperm bank when their daughter was born a slightly darker shade
than they ordered online because everybody knows ordering a baby
should be treated the same was as ordering a new pair of boots
Supposedly there was a mix-up with the tech handing them a vial of the
chocolate 330 vial instead of the vanilla 380 vial and nine months
later everybody was asking the one lesbian mom if she had an affair
with Patrick Ewing.

I get that you don't get what paid for but after your daughter is born
and she is adorable, maybe you just thank the good lord for a healthy
kid and stop all this bullcrap public lawyering up.

One of the major arguments they have is that in their racist town, a
mixed baby will be discriminated against. If you were so worried
about your town being racist, I'd have to think the townsfolk are
probably not huge fans of homosexuals either, maybe it's time to move.

So, Jennifer Cramblett and Amanda Zinkon, how much compensation do you
need to make dragging your two year old daughter through this? What's
fair for having her picture now plastered all over the news and
everybody knowing that she isn't white enough for you?



Sent from my iPhone

Take on Antrel Rolle

After the Giants were undressed by the Eagles last night, Antrel Rolle
thought it was time to take the attention off of the Giants anemic
offense and offended anybody with tasted by donning a pink tuxedo
jacket during his post-game press conference....a pink tuxedo jacket.
It's not just that it was pink, it had this terrible shimmer to it
which made him look like a black Ken doll.
I get the entire "real men wear pink" thing but to borrow a line from
Cris Carter.. "come on man". You are not going to the Emmy's, it's
12:30 and Bruce Beck is asking you about Cover-2. This look is bad
when you win but coming out of a loss to your arch rivals, Giant fans
want you humbled after all the trash talking they heard all week not
looking like you are about to go to Junior Prom

Plus, a three hour bus ride back wearing that thing can't be comfortable

Take on the security protocol

My building has had the same doorman for decades but at some point
they decided that the doormen needed more responsibility so they added
Fire Marshall and security duties to go along with the arduous task of
asking people to sign their names in some ridiculous book while not
checking whether the guy with the backpack overflowing with wires is
actually named Mickey Mouse. That all changed a decade ago and now
we have fancy magnetic cards that allow us to get through security
with a beep scan although there isn't actually a gate we're walking
through. The beep seems to be as effective as the "close door" button
in the elevator.
Well the beauty of a small building is when the dude needs to take a
leak, the entire security protocol goes out the window. Instead of a
screaming Frenchmen, there is now a small sign which states that the
security officer will return shortly. No problem criminals,
terrorist, sex offenders, drunks and crazy ex-girlfriends, come on
in..the coast is clear.

Take on the waterless urinal

I'm not sure exactly how these things work but the concept of a flush
less urinal has to be one of the most disgusting things out there. I
am all for conserving water and I don't especially want to throw
gallons of water down a drain after some dude is six BudLite's deep
cause he is basically pouring water down the urinal himself but at a
family style Italian restaurant, I think a little water goes a long
way

take on the snapchat hack

There are things that you should be surprised about in this world and then there is Snapchat getting breached.   I can't say I've ever used Snapchat to send a picture of my d!ck to anybody but if I ever did I don't think I'd do so thinking it was completely secure.    Big tech companies keep data, they have massive storage facilities powered by windfarms and solar panels and a billion mice running on spin-wheels to keep your personal information on file.  

Of course when I heard that there were hundreds of thousands of Snapchat pictures leaked, my first instinct was to go and find them until I read that half of Snapchat's users are young teenagers and we all know young teenagers do stupid sh!t and don't think about the bigger picture which probably means that I'd have to immediately burn my computer to the ground after viewing thepictures.

For that reason, I'll wait until this weekend when I'm at my goatee having, cell-phone belt clip wearing, big domed hat wearing buddy's house and sneak upstairs under the pretense of having had some bad sushi and report back..

 

 

Take on the docks

A/ if the entire experience wasn't shitty enough, a friend send me a
report this week that somebody has been smearing shit all over a bunch
of Citibikes. I am sure that it is somebody who was just annoyed
about the fact that his key thing didn't work, half the docks were
broken again or there were no working bikes but to decide to pick the
crap out of your own ass (or worse yet somebody else's ass) and put it
all on top of a bike is beyond nuts. Somebody suggested that it
might have been somebody jealous of the wonders that these shared
bikes are but I seriously doubt it

take on the female vaginal orgasm

just saw a report that much like some hot chick actually having unprotected sex with a random British cabdriver, the female vaginal orgasm is a figment of porn's imagination..

basically, a female can't orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, she needs a bag full of toys to go if she has any hope that her Irish boyfriend can get her off..

the article states

The authors also said that most women don't orgasm during intercourse, and that women who think they have a problem in the bedroom because they can't orgasm vaginally are not dysfunctional -- because the vaginal orgasm doesn't exist.

This is the best/worst news I've ever read because maybe all the women I've left unsatisfied shouldn't have been all that pissed.  Then again the bad news is that with other dudes maybe they faked it because they didn't want to hurt their pride and they didn't care enough to protect my fragile ego

Anyway, I'm too old, too tired and too married to go and try to prove whether or not this study is right or  wrong, so I'll just assume this study to be gospel unless we can get a few readers who are willing to be willing to take part of a big TOR experiment with other TOR readers... I know of at least one dude more than willing to volunteer his services.. . 

Take on Fantasy Football Sabermetrics

The worst decision you can make playing fantasy football is watching the games..   Eyes tell you that Jerry Porter was supposed to be the next TO, advanced statistics told you he was the next OT.. Forget that he looked good on the field, the fact that he never actually put up any stats is what counted..   

take that a step further and your record might show you that you are 4-1 but when you are putting up 66 points and beating a team that basically forgot to start a tight end, you might not be as good as you think.   Then again, who cares how you win as long as you do... but to have sustained success you can't remain lucky, you need something else, and that is different for everybody..

But I have to say that the less football I've watched, the better at Fantasy Football I've gotten because at the end of the day, I'm no better at deciding whether a WR runs a clean route or gets a good release as a chimp might.   What I've decided to do a few years ago is pour meticulously over the stats, game scripts, targets, trends, quarterback situations, defenses played etc.  Basically I decided to take only the tangible statistics to mean anything and took all the intangibles to mean nothing.    You might miss on a few guys but honestly in the long run you'll hit more by not letting your eyes trick you into seeing something that is or isn't there..

Take on the conclusion

She closed her eyes and threw the door open expecting the worst. She
opened them and her first impression was that the room felt empty,
nothing looked out of place, no clothes were tossed around the room
and there was no smell of sweat in the air

She scanned quickly and saw no sign of anything except for the body
laying in the bed which jumped up like a shot

"Honey, what are you doing here?"

"I should ask you the same thing...where is she?"

"What?"

"Where is she, I want to see the reason you threw it all away"

"What???"

"Tell me the truth..where is she..I see the receipts, I am sick of the lies"

"There is no 'she'.. I am exhausted and have been coming to the hotel
to catch two hours of sleep a few days per month. All the sleeping on
the floor in the girls room when they have nightmares, or colds or
need water is terrible"

Take on that little green Starbucks stick

I look down in my car and it is littered with these little green
stopper stirrers from Starbucks. For a company that claims to have
environmentally conscious bean growth, offers reusable cups and
generally is seen as trying to limit them carbon footprint, these
little relics of plastic are a sign that they aren't there.
I really don't know the purposes for them as presently constructed,
they are not long enough to actually stir anything, so by inserting
them you are basically just allowing scolding hot liquid to slowly eat
away the plastic. I'd recommend they go to an option of only the
little nub to keep the 150 degree coffee from burning a hole in my
crotch but that's it

Take on his mystery

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

She started noticing that he seemed distant, preoccupied, somehow disconnected from her and the kids weeks earlier but now it slapped her in the face like a bucket of ice water.   Maybe it was a midlife crisis although he hasn't bought a sports car, some fancy electronics or as much as gotten a new haircut in ages.  She feared that he was moving away and didn't know quiet how to reel him back in.  Her mother said that it might be a seven year itch and suggested she get her hair highlighted like she used to do but somehow that wasn't in the cards.  It all just seemed to run on it's own and she probably wouldn't have confronted him until she happened  to stumbled on their American Express statement.  She hadn't looked at one in some time as he always insisted on paying them but when she did look, she was stunned to see them.  Week after week, the same charge came up 

Wednesday the 13th at 1pm. $199 at the midtown Marriott Marquis

Wednesday the 20th at 12:45pm at the same Marriot Marquis

Wednesday the 27th at 20pm at the Marriot Marquis

etc etc

Same hotel, middle of the afternoon every Wedneaday.  She racked her brain and started recalling all the times she called his office and was told he was in a meeting with clients, how many midday meetings does anybody have, even one who makes his living in sales??

There she was, with three kids having to decide if this was it. She was sure that if would be, she was too proud a woman to have somebody do this to her and just accept it.  She was going to be strong and march in and demand the truth and then would send him packing but she knew he was too smart to admit anything, and not wanting to drag this out while becoming a pity case, she decided that the best thing would be to catch him in the act. 

The next Wednesday after her had gotten on his bus in the morning after having gotten the girls dressed, she got dressed herself in her most inconspicuous outfit and topped it off with the oversized Jackie O glasses.   She dropped the two older girls off at their schools even if she usually insisted on keeping the middle one home whenever possible and headed into the city with the baby in tow.     Traffic was brisk and she was standing in midtown before 10:30 giving herself a chance to revel in the city she had called home for years before he had dragged her to the suburbs kicking and screaming.  How dare he take all she loved away from her and then leave her to hold down the fort which he galavanted around the fancy city.   She got herself a large caffeinated beverage, staked out a seat in front of the potted plants in the lobby and tried to entertain her baby while simultaneously staking out the scene.    She stared down every woman that walked through the lobby, looking them up and down and sizing them up.   She was convinced that he probably chose an Asian one, he'd always had some weird fetish for them, so she took particular interest in any one of them that walked through.   She fed the baby, walked around the lobby a bit and counted the minutes.   The AmericanExpress bill had been very specific with the charges always happening around 1pm, so it could happened any time.  She looked down at her watch, it hadn't changed in what seemed like hours and as she coo-ed with the baby she caught a glimpse of him.   Still wearing the grey pants and blue shirt he had left the house with a few hours ago, he strolled through the lobby and walked right up to reception.  He made small talk with the young girl working the desk and checked his IPhone while she ran his card.   The girl at the desk pointed towards the elevators and he walked over to them

The moment of truth was almost there and for the first time all day, she had cold feet.  Did she really want to go up there and find him, why did it matter, she didn't need that kind of proof...she already had the receipts.  

But she figured that she'd come all that way and truthfully wanted to see the woman who he just threw his family away for.    She followed him to the elevator, he had his head buried in his IPhone -always the stupid IPhone- so didn't notice the woman or their baby as the doors closed. He was the only one on the elevator and from the little LED elevator screen it made only one  stop, on the 24th floor. 

She waited around the elevator to see what kind of woman would be the first to go up there but after 30 minutes of nothing obvious decided she must have missed her going up.   It was almost 2 and the girls would be out of school in an hour, so it was now or never.  The baby was fussy but it was time. 

She walked upto the receptionist and said explained that her husband had checked in but she had lost the room key.  The receptionist gave her the typical line of "security" and "9/11" and her not being on the reservation etc.   The baby was really crying now, and she did her best to sooth her while coming up with a thousand stories to get that key.   She didn't have anything and just started sobbing, maybe it was a woman's solidarity, maybe it was the crazy story she had told or maybe it was the baby screaming at the top of her lungs but after a few seconds the receptionist said she just needed to see an ID.  She showed her NJ drivers license and was handed a key for room 24F, she hurried up the elevator pushing the stroller like it was a roller derby and pressed 24

The floors flew by on the screen. 2-3-4...6-7...14-15...20-21-22-23 and finally 24

She marched to the door marked F and took a deep breath.  She though about knocking but this would only give him warning, so decided that she would just unlock the door and confront the lying cheating bastard right then and there with a crying baby under her arm

She swallowed hard, stuck the key in the card holder and opened the door.....

To be continued 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the IPhone battery

There are two reasons I hear people want the new IPhone and it has
nothing to do with the better camera, the new iOS or the likelihood of
having your pictures hacked. Most people I know want the new IPhone
because of two reasons

- the battery life is so horrendous that you are basically tethered to
wall at all times
- if they have kids then they are completely out of memory and if they
want to take a picture of their kid wearing their mother's bra or
jumping off a bed, they have to delete an app.

I'd recommend going with the 128gig phone even it it costs you the
equivalent of an entire Latin American country's GDP because you know
they are never going to fix the first problem.

Take on the Jets

This comes from my buddy BabyStu who in honor of the MLB playoffs has graciously agreed to come in as a Relief Bitcher.  His ERA is somewhere north if 4.50, his WHIP is 1056 (I really don't know what that is) and his gums are the size of the tarp at Citifield 

I'm trying to figure out why I am completely disgusted with the Jets this year.  It's not like this is the first year they've been bad.  I think the problem is that I bought in fully into what they were doing and I'm just fed up.  I feel like a fool for some reason. 

For example:  I was hyping up my UPS guy all pre-season that the Jets were going to the playoffs and that he'd better reserve a seat on the bandwagon since he was a Giants fan and the Giants were going nowhere for at least a year or two.  But, of course, as the season plays out, it looks like the Giants will be solid and the Jets are just a clusterfuck.  Again. 

Top to bottom, I just can't stand the Jets.  The whole organization.  Woody Johnson isn't even on my hate radar.  He's a hopeless fool and I'd rather just ignore him.  But I hate Idzik, I even hate Rex now.  I hate Morningwheg.  I hate that his stupid name is impossible to spell.  I hate Geno but I also hate Vick.  I hate Matt Simms.  I actually don't really hate any of the running backs but I can ignore them too.  I hate their offensive line.  I hate Mangold and Willie Colon.  I hate D'Brick.  I hate Eric Decker and Jeremy Kerley and Jace Amaro and Jeff Cumberland. 

On defense, I hate Rex again.  I hate their nameless, faceless, invisible D-Coordinator.  I don't hate Sheldon Richardson and Muhammad Wilkerson individually but I hate the D-Line as a unit.  Same goes for the linebackers.  I don't really hate them individually but I just hate the whole linebacker corps. 

I hate Calvin Pryor.  Love his nickname.  Hate the player.  I hate Dee Milliner.  I wish he would disappear.  I hate all the other Antonio Allens they have in the secondary. 

I hate the punter and for no good reason at all, I hate Nick Folk. 

Whoever they get to coach next year, I'm going to hate him too.  I already hate him. 

I hate their first round draft pick in 2015 already.  I know he's going to suck. 

I hate the Jets so thoroughly. 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Husain Abdullah

When the NFL flagged Chiefs safety for kneeling down in Muslim prayer, the world went nuts but for all the wrong reasons.   How the hell could Goodell allow this show of solidarity with ISIS, Osama, Obama and Saddam Hussein all in one breath to be broadcast on national TV without some harsher repercussions??  The fact that this guy got only 15 yards is a travesty, the refs should have thrown him out of the game, docked the Chiefs 7 points and Goodell should have handed out a Ray Rice suspension (version 2.0) on him before he made it out to the parking lot and then made him sit through five hours of the best of Dan Marino on the CBS pregame show 

What these guys don't understand is that the NFL is our haven, where we  should be able to watch endless hours of men beating each other into brain trauma while we pound down Buds with our hands down our pants while surfing to catch the latest FakeTaxi clip without having to be exposed to this kind of jihadism in our own homes.  

As my buddy Baby Stu correctly observed 

"I say he deserved it.  That was some un-American shit.  You want to get flagged for excessive celebrating then you dunk on the fucking goalpost!!!"

This is actually a part of the NFL where Tim Tebow might have a role, if Husain Abdullah, Muhsin Muhammad or Kareem Abdul Jabbar wants to play in the NFL again they should have to pass the Tebow test.   One month on a mission in SouthEast Asia with Tebow for some reprogramming and then they come in front of the GreatLeader Goodell to plead their case and prove their genuine conversion. 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on AT&T

When a multinational company sends you a survey, what exactly is the
point. These companies must know the suck, what exactly are they
hoping for.
Here is a quick rundown

- you are the most expensive option on the market
- everytime we try to change anything you try to trick us out of the
unlimited data plan, when that doesn't work you try to strong arm us
- there are dead zones over Manhattan which cover entire
neighborhoods, even some good ones
- my phone drops 2 out of every 5 calls and since I make about five
calls per month that blows
- when I call to add a service, it takes an hour of automated options,
none of which meet my needs and then I am still forced to talk to
somebody
- your bill has so many hidden fees, it's like an Easter Egg hunt
except instead of a big piece of chocolate, I get the equivalent of
somebody clogging my toilet

So, yes I will happily fill out your survey, hope you except four letter words

Take on Dutch Eyewear

Can somebody explain to me why Dutch men insist on wearings women's
glasses? Even though people consider Europe to be the cradle of
fashion, there is no place where style comes crashing into a heap of
cheese and raw fish like Holland and nothing is worse than the eyewear
men don. They are always red or green or yellow and then extremely
thin framed or ridiculously thick framed and always look too big or
too small on the guy's head which considering how big theirs heads
are, isn't that surprising

Every dude looks like he is channeling his inner Sally Jessie because
apparently dressing like a menopausal 60 year old woman is something
for a 6'3" dude to emulate.

Take on the terribly dressed passenger

Other day at the airport, another example of a passenger who looks
like they could pass for the McDonalds mascot. I get that you want to
be comfortable but a blue shirt and green pants?? The only thing you
are missing are oversized shoes and a big red nose.
I can't say I am surprised being that I'm flying to Amsterdam the
capital of no-style but maybe instead of spending billions on security
the FSA should look at some of this clothing terrorism going around
terminal B at Newark airport

Take on the verified twitter account

Just this week I stumbled across the name of some dude who I never
heard of, with 441 followers, zero tweets and a little blue checkmark.
I. still do not get the criteria for getting the little blue checkmark
next to your name on Twitter and this confirmed it again. I mean I
get it for Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake or John Rocker but how
does a low level celebrity get Twitter to verify them, I was on a CBS
news segment once but nobody has put a star next to me, I am who I say
I am so what is the criteria??

Take on Jeter's happy ending

For twenty years he did everything right whether it came to big hits,
clutch fielding, unflappable poise or staying out of the spotlight off
the field, so nobody could have been surprised that Jeter penned the
perfect ending to an almost flawless career.
Obviously we all know that David Robertson grooves a couple of pitches
to give The Captain one more time to shine, why else would Girardi not
pulled Jeter in the middle of the inning so he could get one more
standing ovation. We also know that Selif allowed the Yankees to
pull a rare double switch to make sure Jeter got up at just the right
time and we all know that the single we a total meatball but when you
are the face of a generation, playing for the biggest team on the
biggest stage, you get to write your own fairy tale ending.
The only thing better would have been if that single bounced around
the outfield and he got himself an inside the park homerun and
literally ended by sliding his little Louisville slugger into the
waiting grasp of Jessica Alba at home-plate

Here's to you Derek you did it better and with hotter chicks than
anybody before or after

Yeah Jeets!!

Take on Cam Newton's outfit

We heard our fans and want to offer a heartfelt apology. You come to
TOR daily for exactly the kind of story we missed this week, and for
that we apologize: But every apology we may owe you pails in
comparison to the apology that Cam Newton owes us all after showing up
at his post game press conference this past weekend dressed like a 60
year old woman. Great players leave everything on the field, in this
case Newton should have left something in the locker room
Cam Newton showed up wearing capri pants, loafers without socks and a
lavender blazer....after an NFL game. This is an outfit you'd see on
the street on the the upper east side and you would think it would
look bad on her. Forget how badly he's played, that outfit is the
most atrocious thing we've seen out of young Cam and there is no
excuse for it.
We debated at the TOR editorial naked round table last night over fra
diavolo and porterhouse whether Newton was wearing a shirt underneath
the lavender blazer or if he just said F'it and went with fish-nets.
There is no good reason why any person, especially a straight man
should ever dress like this.

So maybe this was Cam's coming out moment, the Media went gaga over
Michael Sam and deservedly so ...but he hasn't exactly, you know,
played an actual NFL football game. If this was Cam's Sam moment, we
applaud him for his strength and courage and hope it leads to more
people coming out but Cam next time do us a favor and go on with
Barbara Walters and don't subject us to this.

Take on Mass Transit hell

There are a lot of things we do right in this city, mass transit is
not one of them. The fact that it routinely takes 2 hours to travel
20 miles into NYC using public transportation should tell you how ass
backwards it is. The bridges and tunnels can't handle the traffic to
get into the city, the infrastructure of the buildings when you
finally get there are worthless relics, the construction is endless
and the results are meaningless and the only constant is that millions
of people find that there is no way to get to work in any reasonable
amount of time. This is the reason that you swallow hard and against
your better judgement, your hope to keep carbon emissions down and the
desire to keep some money in your pocket, you just realize that
driving is best.

How ridiculous is it that in 2014 the best option to get into this
city is still driving? Yes, you might sit in traffic and it may coat
you double but it is twice as fast as any form of mass transit from
northern jersey

When other major cities across this globe have invested heavily in
mass transit options, New York decided it was better to build baseball
stadiums and basketball arenas

Take on random facts

I like the random facts as much as anybody but sometimes I get one
across my screen while taking a dump and feel like puking like the one
about women who can poop out of their vaginas or dudes who can contort
their penises like balloon animals. But what really bothers me is
how this stuff is verified. I mean, I now need to know if this is
true but with the TSA watching, do I want to be caught googling vagina
shitters, I think not.

Take on the horsedrawn carriage

There is a bit argument going on between the mayor's office and the
guys who ride the horses around Central Park pinning the wieny animal
loving liberals against the hard working small businessmen. There
really is no good reason why we would get rid of the horses as they
bring jobs, attract tourists and cover up the smell of the homeless
epidemic. They are majestic regal beasts who allow a small girl to
dream about being swept off their feet by a royal prince

But with all of this...I still think they need to get rid of these
filthy animals because they cause a ridiculous traffic jam and I am
trying to get home

Take on the jersey return

The new thing in the NFL is that when their star player does something
inexcusable, their team sets a day when their fans can return the
jersey of the embattled star in exchange for another player. The
Patriots did this with Aaron Hernandez last year and this week the
Ravens had event to allow fans to exchange their Ray Rice jerseys for
a bunch of new ones. Ironically enough the same amount of Joe Flacco
jerseys showed up on Ebay just a few minutes after the event.
The one question we have is what happens to those thousands of
jerseys?? Burning them in a big bonfire seems to be a decent
destination but something tells me that Steve Bisciotti isn't going to
just lose money on them and at minimum wants a tax deduction, so
there'll be a bunch of kids in the Sudan wearing Rice jersey's next
year


Any chance the Jets will exchange my Mark Sanchez jersey for a couple
of beer holders

Take in the return

How come I can return a 48" TV at BestBuy in 3 minutes but returning a
$2.99 pack of kid's juice boxes at A&P is like giving away your first
born? I was at the store today and the amount hoops you have to jump
through is ridiculous. You need the receipt, the credit card, a
reason to return it, a drivers license plus a phone number just to
send it back, it is ridiculous

Remind me to never return anything ever again!!!