Take on the double park

There are not many things more annoying than some ahole double parked
on a two lane road especially during rush hour. Today I caught some
huge moving truck double parked on Riverside which lead to a backup
from 96th street to 72nd street and caused me and thousand a of others
more than just a bit of aggravation. If we make road maintenance
happen during the overnight, we should also make sure idiots like this
aren't impeding traffic during the daytime hours either. The NYPD
should be actively ticketing these guys as opposed to choking people
especially when there is a gigantic bus-stop right next to where they
are parallel parked. Yeah parking in the bus-stop isn't right either
but at least it doesn't affect every single person from here to
eternity

I hope you step in a heap of warm Upper West Side dog crap while you
are moving that piano down the street you inconsiderate prick.

Take on the Port Authority

Only in NYC and in Port Authority do they post signs like the one I
saw today which stated that a minor accident on route 3 is expecting
to delay buses by 45 minutes. How minor of an accident is it that it
will almost double my commute time home? Port Authority is a
decrepit relic in desperate need of an overhaul because it is quite
literally bursting at the seams. When there is a rain storm, water
pours out of the ceiling which the janitorial staff try to catch in
huge yellow garbage cans, the delays coming in and out of the place
are horrendous and the lines are endless. Somebody has got to start
putting some money into this hellhole because the place is falling
apart

Take on the tourist shirts

Is there anything dumber than those people who walk around NYC in matching shirts signifying their vacation?  You often see entire groups walking through the streets all donning the same stupid printed shirt and all I do is shake my head.  As if it wasn't obvious enough when you opened your mouth to ask where "Houston" street was that you weren't a native, you decide to compound the issue by dressing like an absolute douche-bag. 

Hey everybody look at us, the Idaho City Falls class of 2014 is all going to NYC and wearing these shirts ensures we don't pick up any STD's while we are here.  

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Take on Andy Dalton

A few years ago the NFL and their players association redid their
agreement which basically amounted to bumbs (he is so bad he gets a
second b) like Sam Bradford from getting paid like a King coming right
out of college. This was necessary because NFL owners are idiots and
this was a way to restrain their excess for guys who hadn't proven
anything. I always thought this was an easy negotiation for the
players association because they didn't -at that exact time- represent
anybody who was going to be negatively affected. The only people that
would be affected were future NFL draft picks who -by definition-
weren't represented by the NFLPA yet and since those people couldn't
vote, they got taken to the cleaners by their future brethren.

Well the idiot owners are at it again finding a way around their own
overpayment rule for unproven talent when the Bungles gave Andy Dalton
$115million contract. Andy Dalton is incredibly not good and signing
him as your franchise QB and paying him a fortune is about as smart as
something you'd expect out of that organization

Take on the secret TOR army

Listen Vlad, we aren't afraid of you (well actually we are but we are
pretty sure you have no idea who we are).

When we read that Putin and his cronies where trying to expose the
inner working of the TOR empire, we felt vindicated, not only because
if meant we had arrived but more so that David had been able to rouse
Goliath from his Siberian slumber.
So here we stand, August 3rd, 2014 and the mighty Russian empire has
come looking for little old us and offering millions to break our
code. .. Well I'll make if easy on you, our office number is
201-947-7332 and I am ready to tumble..I'm mean rumble

Take on Topless Times Square

Have you guys noticed that as the muppets that have basically
multiplied like bunnies in Times Square, the 'performers' have gotten
more and more risqué? First there was the Naked Cowboy, then the
Black Naked Cowboy, then the Naked Cowgirls and recently all the rage
are these smoking hot topless chicks who don't even pretend to do
anything as complicated as playing guitar but just walk around wearing
only thongs. Their tops have that body paint on them but they are
completely topless and one is hotter than the next. The biggest
difference between them and the naked cowgirls is that not only are
these chicks not wearing bikini tops or carrying around crapy acoustic
guitars, they don't have big fat cottage cheese asses and the tourists
are eating it up. There have to be 500 horny Japanese business men
gawking at any given point and is causing me a goddamned headache the
traffic they cause




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take on the Minnesota Viking Uniforms

Last year the Minnesota Vikings did something outrageous and one frantic NFL fan and chronic masturbator was up in arms.   Although the case could be made for both, this case wasn't because of the way how Christian Ponder played but instead how Adrian Peterson looked in the uniform.    You can't blame a guy for wanting to see a top product on his TV screen, so when they put TOR on the case, we took it upon ourselves to further investigate.  

Last year the Vikings went with this new matte finish on the helmets, which everybody would agree looked great, the problem was that apparently they ran out of money in their uniform budget because they paired it with their old uniforms which are that poly fiber material.    Anybody who knows anything could tell you that this is like trying to combine whiskey and sex, it just doesn't work.  The shiny uniforms completely clashed with the matte finish making the uniforms look completely disjointed and awkward. It was so bad that on an LED 1080p 55" Samsung TV, you could actually catch yourself focusing on the odd combination instead of the odd combination of plays they were running last year..

Let's hope that they'll make a few adjustment for the 2014 season, although at the speed of Cordarelle Patterson, it might not matter cause it will all look like a blur anyway..  

Take on the work sweat pants

I saw an ad on my gmail today for one of the worst ideas I can ever remember.   Some company thought that there was this huge void in comfortable men's pants and decided to design sweat-pants which (sort-of) look like work-pants.   There are only two times when a man over the age of 10 should ever wear sweat-pants.. when training for a major boxing match in freezing cold cold-war Russia and at a strip-club.    Sweatpants on a man is an absolutely heinous look and trying to jazz it up to try to make them passable for work is even worse.    Women can get away with them as a casual weekend look, but only ones that are form fitting and they can NEVER have food-stains on them, ever

Get yourself a pair of khakis, put on a blue shirt and go back to your job at OfficeMax

Take on Benigno and Roberts

Evan; you gotta admit, the Mets are looking poised for a run in the
next few years

Joe: I don't know Bro

Evan. Just look at the pitching. Wheeler, deGrom, Gee and let's not
forget Harvey comes off the DL next year

Joe: I guess so

Evan: then look at the minors. You got Syndergaard, Montero, Mejia

Joe: I don't know, Bro, these are still the Mets we're talking about.

Evan: true, but look at the stats Montero is strinking out a batter
per inning, Syndergaard hasn't allowed an earned run in two weeks and
Mejia might be better than both of them

Joe: I guess so

Evan: you just have to be excited about the young guys

Joe: I don't know, bro, those guys have a real Isringhausen, Pulsipher
and Paul Wilson feel to them

Evan: you have to see the stats though, Joe. Syndergaard has a whip
under 1, Montero throws five different pitches for strikes,

Joe: yeah, I see you bro

Evan: just look at the way these guys rip it, I mean they know how to pitch

Joe: yeah, I guess so.. But come on these are still the Mets, we know
what will happen

Evan: they are the Mets

Joe: I was telling Ter last night, watch Gee break his leg trying to
field a ground all

Evan: yeah, but you gotta admit he has fielded the position a lot
better, the guy hasn't allowed a ball past him all season, just look
at the stats, baseball reference has him at 11 in the league fielding
his position

Joe: yeah I see what you are saying

Evan: and if it was't for Murphy dropping that throw to second
against the Royals in that first game of the double header back in
April he'd be number 9

Joe: yeah, I think Murphy could have had that ball, a bit under-thrown right?

Evan: well a bit high but yes, if you take that play out and consider
his much playing in Citi Field hurts him with the grass

Joe: the mound is pretty rough

Evan: just last week, he looked a bit off coming off that mound on the
plant foot. Still the Mets are looking good

Joe: I don't know bro

Evan: Granderson is coming around

Joe: I don't know he is a Yankee in my mind.

Evan: but he has hit .342 in the last 6 games and has driven in twelve
runs in the last fourteen games

Joe: yeah, he does hit

Evan: get him hot hitting behind Wright and you got a team

Joe: yeah but Wright is just not cutting it

Evan: he's got a WAR of 12 and has hit 35 doubles in the last month
and a half.

Joe: if Ike could just bit behind him

Evan: well they traded him two months ago

Joe: oh yeah

Evan: but Wright has been hitting, just last week he was behind 0-2 in
a count with two on in the seventh and he battled back to get it to
3-2, wound up striking out on a fastball on the inside corner but I
liked what I saw

Joe: against the Padres, right?

Evan: the DBacks

Joe: right the DBacks, that game was over late with the West Coast trip and all

Evan: they were home actually but you are right the game did end late

Joe: I don't know Bro, I guess it's just a wait and see

Evan: even you have to admit that like what they are getting out of Murphy

Joe: I'm not sold on him

Evan: the guy just hits, he has fourteen singles and three doubles on
the last homestand, he hits in the clutch. Just look at his RBI'd
over the last two weeks, he is really hitting well

Joe: Bro, I guess you are right

Evan: let's take a call, Jimmy from the Upper Upper West Side, how are you?

Jimmy: Evan you suck, Joe is King

Evan: thank you, Joe what about Duda?

Joe: I don't know he might just not be that good

Evan. Joe he is hitting like crazy, he has 5 home runs in the last
week, his OPS is off the charts and he might be the answer

Joe: I guess you are right

Evan: now a message from 1-800 Kars for Kids, that is Kars with a K....

Shotgun sound.

Take on the BigMac exchange

We read an article this week about the valuation of the dollar
relative to other currency's but as oppose to basing it on some
generic mean-nothing measure, they used what can only be thought of as
the most important measure, the price of a Big Mac. Taking the Big
Mac is important as it eliminates a lot of other noise being that it
is a universal sandwich enjoyed by all people. McDonalds may add some
local flare to their menu in various countries like the the McCurry,
the McCroquette or the EBI Filet O' but the BigMac is a staple.
A Big Mac on the Berlin Turnpike is the same as the one in Saratoga as
the one in Reykjavik or Rio and the price for this delicious sandwich
was charted to compare the cost of it based on the local currency
across a few dozen countries. In the US the average price is $4.80,
which I assume doesn't come with fries or a gigantic Coke, but the
same sandwich in Norway costs about $7.00 although it has dropped in
the last five years from a high of almost $8. In Brazil it's almost
$6 and Canada tops out at $5.25 which is isn't hard to imagine as our
research shows that people are more likely to get a BigMac after a
night of strip-clubs and debauchery, so you could see them jacking the
price up a bit.

What was shocking is how cheap the BigMac is in other places; China,
Russia, Indonesia and South Africa all come in under $3 but
considering people's living wages there, it might still be expensive
for locals. The two cheapest places are India where a delicious
BigMac comes in at just a $1.75 which seems like a great deal till you
realize the BigMac is likely made our of tofu and even at that price
almost 70% of the population couldn't even afford one per day if they
also wanted a drink.
But the 'winner' here is The Ukraine with a BigMac coming in at $1.63
which is a great deal if you are a Russian Separatist with Oligarch
money behind you but still not cheap enough to make you want to go lay
in the beaches of Crimea this summer

take on the NYPD choke slam

Another weekend, another choke job by the NYPD.    Only a few weeks ago an NYPD officer put some 300 pound dude in a choke-hold that suffocated the poor bastard all for the crime of selling illegal cigarettes without paying taxes and the entire country went nuts.   The cops basically took down The Undertaker with a move Kane couldn't come up with but as opposed to the WWF, there were actual repercussions. 

We're all for bringing crime down but when it comes to killing a guy over cigs that seems kind of similar to suspending Ray Rice for two weeks for nearly beating his fiance to death while Josh Gordon could get a full year for smoking dope.   I heard all week how the NYPD was going to reexamine the way they operate and what would be allowed in terms of force and retrain officers in what is appropriate behavior during a stop.    Then just this weekend there was another video of an officer putting some pregnant woman from East New York in a similar choke-move for the heinous crime of BBQing on the front stoop.

We've heard for years how Giuliani and later Bloomberg had police departments which consistently violated human rights but now the big slobby democrat's department has blood on his hands, too.

wonder if the deBlasio deFenders will now come out of the woodwork to protest his dePartment. 

Take on the WWTJD crew

There are not many things in life I like as much as Trader Joe's.
Between the $4.99 pound of grass fed sirloin, the $3.99 organic grape
tomatoes and that delicious free sample bar in the back by the
yogurts, the place is a splendid experience. The food is good, the
prices we cheap and the selection is solid plus you can get a free
Dixie cup of coffee to keep you from wanting to kill those
ridiculously happy cashiers. I mean, what the hell is up with those
people, they all walk around like they have been sucking on the helium
tank over at Party City because the entire place feels like a you are
in a bizarro world. A world which is manned by a cult of California
surfer meet Brooklyn hipster and everybody has a perpetual smile on
their faces as if somebody just opened an all you can eat taco stand.
I get that life shouldn't be that hard but come on, this is
ridiculous, nobody can be that excited that you just got in a shipment
of pesticide free radishes and nobody should. These people aren't
from here and they certainly aren't normal. There have to be some
subliminal messages hidden in the art work of cows and pastures and
windmills that speak only to the truly informed and that message is
probably how they plan to take over the world

I am sure that this entire operation is a front for some kind of Nike
sneaker wearing, Waco compound having, Jesus loving, group sex having,
mental mind-game playing, organic organic origami of organ donors but
as long as they serve those delicious pigs-in-a-blanket at the that
tasting station and keep offering $2.99 organic milk, call me David
Koresh

Take on the Baseball HOF eligibility

Today it was announced that the Baseball Hall of Fame has started to change some of their eligibility rules and TOR, for one, is excited about it.  Baseball is already ridiculously long and boring, so any way to shorten any part of it, is good for me.    One rule was that they made players eligible for only 10 years, cutting the original 15 years by 33%.  The only part that I am annoyed about is that they should cut it to five years.  If you can't make the HOF after five years, then you aren't worthy of being inducted.   Being a Hall of Famer should be obvious and the decision should be definitely yes or otherwise it's a no.  Not only that but I think they need to go back and pull anybody out who wasn't inducted within the first five years and stuck them in some other crappy HOF, like the basketball one 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the beach

Years ago I had a couple of friends who loved going to the beach and I
could not understand why. I mean, I loved seeing the hot chicks and
liked the ocean but the thought of laying out in the sun all day was
as appealing as getting kicked in the nards. The two of them would
lay our with an iPod and sun all day and I would be sitting on the
boardwalk with a lemonade counting the hours till we went back home
again and it took my 20 years to figure out what I was doing wrong.
It's not that I hate the beach, it's that I hate sitting out under the
blazing heat for 5 straight hours. First of all sitting under the sun
on a clear day is blinding even with shades on and it's usually so hot
that you can't do anything but sleep. Add to that the fact that I am
a few shades lighter than white and when I lay out I can basically
feel the cancer burning into my skin and always ended up looking like
a fried lobster after an hour. It didn't help that at that age guys
where too homophobic or grossed out to put any sunscreen on my back,
so I was just forced to suffer.
Now I go to the beach at 9am, hang till 11 and don't even think about
going back till well after 3pm and do it with the biggest beach
umbrella I can find. I'd even wear a burka if I could find a water
resistant one

Take on the NFL personal conduct policy

Today the NFL suspended Ray Rice for a couple of games for assaulting
his then-fiancé now-wife in Atlantic City a few months ago.

We get that this had to be done and was likely too light but we
applaud the NFL for taking such measures but wonder how exactly they
come up with these penalties?

Take Josh Gordon, another NFL star in hot-water this offseason, as an
example. Gordon is facing a yearling suspension for what is said to
be a violation of the drug policy for allegedly smoking weed. The
guy had a few strikes against him with previous drug issues and has
had a subsequent DWI, so lest anybody feel that bad for this guy.
What bothers us is that Gordon will be suspended (rightfully so) for
doing something that is lawful in about 15 states medicinally and
lawful in two recreationally. The NFL has a policy and he should
abide by it but when they turn around and give Rice only two games for
beating his fiancé so badly that she was knocked unconscious and was
dragged into an elevator by Rice. How does the NFL give that guy
only two games while suspending Mike Vick for a year for a dog
fighting ring or Gordon for smoking weed?

Time to step up to the plate and make your punishments more consistent
with the crime, Goodell

Take on Zanfel

I came across some kind of cream at Duane Reade today which has to be
up there with a cream to grow the size of a chick's t!ts or a dude's
junk. This cream called Zanfel will apparently turn a chubby looking
Asian kid into a dorky looking white kid in a couple of days. That
may seem like a decent trade-off for some but as a dorky looking white
guy, I can assure you it isn't all that great a trade.
So maybe it's better to spend your time and money on some cream to not
make your face look like a tomato after having a couple cocktails.

Take on sleep deprivation

I question a bunch of the UberFactoids I get on my twitter feed but
not the one I read the other day was one which is 100% true

With three kids you learn pretty quickly that sleep is something you
basically put on hiatus for a decade. The "fact" said that sleep
deprivation leads to everything from being irritable to ugly to fat to
unhappy. I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and realized I
got old and ugly (well uglier) virtually overnight. I have huge bags
under my eyes, graying beard hair and a pale complexion and compared
to the rest of my body that's actually attractive

Take on the Greatest Story ever Sold

45 years ago the greatest film ever made was broadcast to millions of
homes across this country. A film so influential that countries have
spent decades trying to reproduce it and to this day nobody other than
the original producers have come close. Not only did I have the
most memorable line uttered on camera, it had an iconic hero, a
perfect setting and brought a country together like winning a World
Cup, Olympic gold in Figure Skating and hockey, winning the Ryder Cup
(not the Davis Cup) and the Little League World Series all at the same
exact moment. The level of pride and patriotism was at an all time
frenzy as the US showed again why it could create the greatest I
illusion known to man and wrap it in the American Flag

If landing on the moon was possible, why hasn't it been done done in
40 years? You might say that there is morning to find there anymore
but we do a lot of money on stupid things and some president would
have wanted a shot at some kind of return to infamy. The Chinese
spent a billion dollars on the Olympics to spur domestic pride and put
itself on the world stage as a great power but wouldn't spend that to
land on the moon??
But mostly it is a farce because although shooting a rocket with a
gazillion horsepower up to hit a moving target it probably near
impossible especially with 1970's technology there is no way you can
tell me they they were able to get that clear a picture transmitted to
earth in real time when I can't even watch Flip or Flop without
Optimum crapping out three times in an hour. You see factoids all
the time that way that the world's largest computers back 49 years ago
have the same computing output as a calculator does today, yet they
could have predicted exactly how two moving objects 100,000 miles
apart could converge while Geno Smith can't hit a receiver running a
35 yard out?

But if you still believe then riddle me this. If it takes a billion
horsepower rocket to get man to space, how can those guys return from
the moon on a spacecraft the size of a Volkswagen Beetle? Don't give
me some crazy catapult reason, there is no way that little tin can had
enough juice to lift off the moon and back to earth

Take in strippers at funerals

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Take on the naked people beach

The naked people beach always seems like a much better idea in theory
than practice. Yeah, there might be a bunch of smoking hot 22 year
old chicks lubing each other up while occasionally kissing but the
chances are probably that the naked people look a lot more like you
do. A little more here than you'd like and a lot less there than
you'd like to admit. This is why I was so disturbed to read that the
trend of naked people beach vacations was on the rise and that it can
basically all be attributed to the fact that the clientele is getting
older and have more disposable income. Naked overweight, under
tanned bodies are one eye-sore but now add wrinkles, dark spots and
years of gravity and it goes from a bad idea to a Freddy Kruger movie

So people, please stop getting old and naked, for the love of all
things young an hot in this world

Take on the guy who got beaten silly by a dad after he caught the dude sexually abusing his son

I don't usually condone violence but when a father caught some pervert
sexually assaulting his pre-teen son and proceeded to make his face
look like a ballsack, I applauded. I know violence is not an answer
but when the crime is so heinous, the victim so young and the
perpetrator such an obvious pussy, it can't be stopped.
I'm only surprised that the father didn't go further and make the guys
face look...dead.

Assuming there are no additional facts due to come to light, I don't
think the dad will face any charges but if he does, I'm donating $100
to his defense fund

Take on the Malaysian Jet crash over Ukrain

We may be looking at the beginning of WWIII if it is proven true that
Russia shot down a commercial jet over Ukraine today. Malaysian
airlines has had a rough 6 months but today's news has taken a bizarre
situation and made it even more so

I cannot imagine what it must be like for the families of the 295
people on board but I don't think this is going to end real well
because this could be seen as an incredible show of aggression -even
if it's mistakingly misplaced- by either the Russians, The Separatists
or the Ukrainians.

If this was meant towards the Ukraine, it will put the US in a tough
spot because as a NATO member, we have an obligation to defend
Ukraine, so this could be the start of WWIII

take on the penis weight

just read an article about some company who was introducing some kind of penis weight.. The theory behind it, I guess, is that like any muscle, if you want to strengthen it, you have to work it out.   I can see some people trying this but really when you hit your late 30's, adding a gigantic weight to your unit may mean you will never get a woody again.. When you are overworked, overtired, drive a mini van for your half a dozen kids, I think you want to do everything to avoid keeping it down.. your ball-sack has already dropped, do you really need your unit going the same route.  Forget adding a weight at this point in life you may be better getting a fork-lift.. so no thanks Private Gym LLC, I'm only really interested if this thing will actually increase the size.. 

take on the piss rug

is there anything more disgusting than one of those toilet rugs?   I have seen the way that dudes aim, even when they are trying and after a few coffees the entire bathroom looks like a slip and slide. Now you add a little rug which will absorb anything from a missed stream to a little drip-drip so at least there isn't a puddle of piss in your bathroom but really do you need your rug to be a piss-mop?

If you need a place to plant your feet on a cold night..wear socks.. there is no good reason for a piss mop rug.

Take on Twitbook

Twitter keeps trying to convince me to try to follow friends online
claiming it will make the entire experience that much better as if
getting bombarded with pictures of my neighbors softball game, a photo
that some random meal an acquaintance had or my crazy aunt's
worldview will somehow enhance the experience. What somebody should
tell Twitter is that one of the reasons people enjoy it is because it
is not Facebook. They both have their place but when one tries to do
the other, it doesn't ever work.

To me Twitter is a place to get breaking news, quick jokes and crazy
facts which is easily unobstructed from picture of cute cats or cuter
kids This is not a knock on Facebook but just use Twitter serves a
different purpose and that's ok. Nobody asks the NY Yankees to take
on Germany in a game of futbal or asks the NY Times for half naked
pictures of Rihanna because it is not what they are good at and not
what people going there expect.

So Twitter, stop trying to be something you are not and bombarding me
with this crap. Now I have been told you can get a lot of good pr0n
on Twitter if you search for the right terms

Take on the HGTV shows

For the last few months we've had the HGTV channel on about 90% of the
time the TV is on. It's a great channel with a bunch of good shows on
home improvements but what continues to kill me (and a few buddies who
I have discussed this with) is that every one of these shows seems to
be able to a complete gut renovation for the cost of a Honda Odyssey.
These shows will take a complete dump with mold in the basement,
structural problems, low ceilings and are basically made completely
out of asbestos. The owners of the house give a couple of brothers
(literally two brothers not a bunch of black dudes) $30k and they turn
a complete wreck into a million dollar mansion

What is frustrations is that we redid our fireplace for about $10k and
these guys will put on an extension for that price. I get that a
lot of the stuff they do is very cosmetic and decluttering which makes
these places look a lot better but what I have to think is that the
show must be subsidized by the show. For one, the "contractor" is
often the host of the show, so he's not taking his same cut.

Mostly, I am annoyed that if a house around NYC costs a million
dollars and the same house in Texas goes for like $150k. I get that
living in Texas isn't for everybody but at some point the cost of the
work and renovations is just so ridiculously overpriced around here
that watching this channel is akin to asking your four year old to
kick you the groin for thirty minutes per night

Take in the third place game

There are a ton of things which are great about The Beautiful Game.
The fluid pacing, the acrobatic scoring, the national pride, the nail
biting finishes and the grace of the play itself. There are also a
bunch of things which are just not: arbitrary extra time, shootouts to
determine champions, flopping etc, but nothing is weirder than the
fact they play this ridiculous 3rd place game. This is like playing
a losers bracket in Fantasy Football. It sounds like a great idea six
months before it happens but then it happens and everybody wants to
start a bunch of Bills and just go home.

I still hope the Dutch beat the Brazillians who seem utterly defeated
but really...who cares who wins this thing

Take on The Decision 2.0

We have all been waiting around for Lebron to tell us where he will
play for the next 1 to 10 years and were finally rewarded with him
coming out in SI and saying that he is going back to Cleveland. As
much as he was killed for The Decision, this was almost the opposite
in terms with the announcement coming in the form of a internet post
as opposed to an elaborate self serving TV special.
But what us most interesting is that the NBA continues to do the WWF
better than the WWE. Lebron goes from hero to heel to hero and like
Hogan back in the yellow and red will be brought back with nothing but
love by the desperate fans

What is most interesting is that the most sympathetic figure might be
Dwayne Wade. The third member of the Big Three, Chris Bosh, will
likely sign a max contract with the Rockets, so opting out for him was
not a huge financial loss. D-Wade will now be left 42million
guaranteed lighter even if he had a wink-wink agreement with the Heat
to get his money. He might now have to take 5 years to get his $42
and he'll be doing it with the likes of Chris Anderson and Mario
Chalmers both of who would make better video game characters than NBA
players.
Unless of course, Carmelo joins Bosh and Wade in South Beach and
battle the Cavs for Eastern Conference supremacy

Vince McMahon couldn't dream for this

take on the anus tear

As much as yesterday's game between Argentina and The Netherlands hurt to watch as a Dutchman, it could not have been nearly as painful as the injury one of the Argentinian players suffered on the pitch.,

Javier Mascherano says he tore his anus as he tried to block a potentially game winning kick by Arjen Robben.   I've been a sports fan for 30 years and I've seen some gruesome injuries including blown out knees, torn groins, pulled nuts, hamstrings, concussions, bloody faces, Joe Theisman's leg and Chris Dudley's broken nose but I don't think I can think of anything more painful than a dude trying to tackle somebody so hard that his anus tears.  I'm not sure how that is even possible but when it comes to a man's asshole, I try to avoid getting to much detail.  

now just think of what would have happened if FIFA got rid of the stupid penalty kick thing and went back to the golden nut and Robben would have scored.. we can only dream about the amount his ahole would have hurt then. ..

Take on the new iOS end call button

I finally downloaded the latest iOS this week auger punting on it for the last few updates.  I like to have the latest and greatest software whenever possible but find that updating the IPhone is always a scary endeavor.    My entire life is backed up onto my phone and everytime I press "update software" there is that one second where the entire things goes blank when I fear I have just dropped the thing in a lake.  It is supposed to be backed up in the cloud but who really trusts that??

But anyway, I finally downloaded the new iOS and find that the end call button on the phone call screen is annoyingly small.  If was originally this big sliding thing but now it's a button the size if a Canadian dime

Get me back the big sliding bar and get on with it 

Sent from my iPhones the land of no 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the left the kid on the subway platform mom

There are a few things that bother me more than the faux outrage over
the woman who left her baby on the subway platform at Columbus Circle.
Of course it is terrible to leave a 7 month old to fend for themselves
and there are obviously thousands of options that seem more humane to
greater society but I bet if you would allow yourself to see this
situation for what it really is, you'd find that it is not so
atypical.
Firehouses have long been a safe haven for people dropping off kids
who they believe they can no longer care for, adoption is a common and
accepted and women make difficult decisions every day but to think
this situation is so different is letting the situation and probably
the woman's skin color cloud your view
Although you'll find certain people who will claim motherhood (or
fatherhood for that respect) is like having ice-cream for dinner every
night, most people will tell you it is the most difficult, draining
and challenging thing they have ever gone through. Most people who
will get up on their soap-boxes about this will be people who either
have a support system or the means to pay for one in place to help
them raise their child.
I will make an assumption that is probably an unfair, biased
generalization grossly exaggerated based on a generalization but I
assume that the woman who left this child behind is a single mother,
living on modest means, with very little prospect for betterment and
probably made a decision -as ludicrous as it may seem to us- that this
child was better off in the hands of child-services than her own.
She did not drop her off in a ditch, behind a garbage can or even on
some secluded subway station, she dropped her off on one of the
busiest platforms on the MTA line and right in the heart of one of the
wealthier parts of the entire city.

This was possibly a child she did not plan for and the father may very
well have not been around to help raise the little girl. She may have
seen no hope and out of desperation decided this was best or maybe she
just lost it. Maybe she is clinically insane, strung out, high or
drunk; any of which would make me pretty sure she isn't a candidate
for mother of the year.

Should she have left the child on a subway platform?? Of course not.
Did she do it to harm her child...I doubt it. I think it was probably
the most humane way which she thought she could get out from
underneath the pressures of unwanted motherhood and certainly a much
preferred option than other ones you see often (hello hot car dad in
Georgia or drive into the ocean mom)

What bothers me most is that I would bet that there have been times
that most parents have had an inkling of a desire to drop their kid
off and just be done with it. Everybody will claim this is not true
for them but I unless they are the reincarnation of the baby Jesus,
Mother Theresa and Gandhi all rolled into one, they have had a point
in their life that they have had a thought that is not something
they'd ever admit. Anybody who tells you differently isn't being
honest..or at least should be inviting the rest of the world for that
ice cream dinner

Even the most loving and most caring ones have had moments when it all
felt like it was too much..but most of us have a support system,
financial or through family, which can help there. We are also
college educated professionals with a good grasp on impulse control
yet most probably have said or done things they have regretted.
I understand it is easy to pile on this woman and I agree is is not
fit to care for this -or any other- child but at some point you have
to realize that if this was a white woman in the burbs who dropped her
baby off at a firehouse, we would comment her for being brave and
doing what was best for her child, even if we ourselves would never
consider it.

now for that ice cream dinner

Take on the pregnancy test

I've told this story before but don't think I have ever done it on
TOR. A few months ago I was walking through Duane Reade looking for a
cough drop or something when I walked right past a woman walking
towards the checkout line. I noticed she was carrying a in house
pregnancy test and as I walked past her, I said "good luck".

I didn't plan on saying it, didn't think about it consciously but it just slipped out of my mouth.
she mouthed "thank you" back at me and then it hit me that I wasn't sure what I was wishing for her.

Then I realized that it didn't really matter because this might be the only comment in the entire world
which is completely appropriate regardless of the situation and underlying hopes and desire of the recipient of the good luck comment.

If she just had a one-night stand, "good luck" could be taken to mean
something very different than if she has been trying with her husband
over the last few months. Either way my comment was perfect

Take on kids viruses

Having three kids under the age of five means not getting a lot of
sleep, not getting a lot of time to yourself and means seemingly
dealing with some kind of virus every week. A few weeks ago it was
coxsackie a disease which sounds as nasty as it is, last week it was
diarrhea and this week we are battling strep. I am not exactly a
hypochondriac but I will say that the second my kid has a sore throat,
mine starts hurting. It's like when somebody yawns and you get some
subconscious need to yearn or when somebody gets poison ivy and you
immediately start feeling itchy or worse yet when some chick has yeast
infection and you want to eat a pie.
So I may wake up tomorrow with strep or not. One thing for sure with
three of then is that I will wake up tomorrow dead tired.

Take on the Spanish soccer station

I don't know what it is but the games I have seen on the Spanish
station have just felt more exciting, even if the action on the field
hasn't proven it. I read a tweet that said Univision got better
ratings than ESPN for the World Cup in a few key markets which didn't
seem all that surprising since each of those cities (Dallas, Miami,
Houston, Los Angeles and Phoenix) have significant Spanish speaking
populations. The only thing better than the WorldCup is the WorldCup
on Univision. I don't speak a word of Spanish past quesadilla,
burrito and grande tetas but I can sit through an entire game
listening to these announcers. Of course everybody will point to the
goooooooooaaaaaaallllllll calls which seem to go on forever but I bunk
that even the normal play by play is more energizing.
I am sure that I am not the only one, so it might actually be a bunch
of blanchos throwing the number over the top, either way, those guys
rock

Take on the Redskins

With all the hysteria around the football team that hails from
Washington DC recently, I thought it was rather comical that a
coworker brought in some peanuts the other day with the same disputed
name. I can't say I have a real strong opinion on the name of the
football team but do think that at some point it will change due to
public -and financial- pressure. I don't think the name was ever
intended as racist but I just can't imagine a team named the
blackskins, brownskins or the yellowskins. (Whiteskins might create a
different kind if outcry)
The irony is that Daniel Snyder will eventually cave to pressure but
he will benefit greatly as it will turn out to be a financial windfall
for him as it will allow him to market a new name and logo to his fans
who will all want to get new hats, jerseys, pajamas and other
paraphernalia.

I will leave this to Goodell, the NFL owners, Obama, Harry Reid and
John Boehner to decide but I demand that Star Snacks change their name
as it is blatantly offensive to red peanuts.

Take on socks with sandals

The editorial board at TOR has been made aware of a disturbing new trend in women's fashion and we feel it to be our duty to try to squash it before it gets further out of control. First women thought it was OK to wear flats with dresses but now the entire industry has gone grandma. Apparently, the top designers have been sending runway models down the catwalk wearing socks with sandals and I for one cannot be more annoyed. 

An article I was linked to said it was a transition for women from the long winter to the hot summer but personally I think it is a transition from style to just awful. This look was terrible when my uncle tried to pull it off in a canoe in France three decades ago and it hasn't improved no matter what Paris and Milan try to tell you.  Like basically anything Williamsburg, this is ugly for the sake of being ugly.  

Socks and sandals go together about as well as mixing drinks. It might seem like a great idea when you are do it but when you see the photos a few days later you want to bury your head in the sand 

So I implore you Fashion Industry, go back to do what you are paid to
do..make women look hot and stop doing what they themselves want to
do..be comfortable 

Take on Soccer on the Radio

The WorldCup has been thrilling, nerve-racking, excruciating and
devastating over the last few weeks, especially for fans of the USMT.
Most people, like myself, do not watch soccer regularly but many if us
find it incredibly exciting when this event comes at us every four
years. Although it is probably better live, it is a pretty good
watch on TV as the angle is large enough to give you enough of the
field to see and watch plays develop and the fact there are no
commercials makes sitting them for a total of 2 hours -including
intermission- very manageable. Even an amateur soccer fan can get a
grasp of how the game is played, defended and strategized even though
there are a bunch of wacky rules to deal with.
What I've struggled with is listening on the radio. It's not that the
announcers aren't good because the Irish dude Tommy Smyth is
fantastic. That dude could make you want to watch paint dry or
whiskey distill I cannot tell you how insightful this dude is and how
lyrical he is in his descriptions. Think an Irish Vin Scully about
six whiskeys deep

But even with Smyth and his play-by-play partner JP Dellacamera
calling as good a game as you can imagine, this sport just doesn't
translate to radio. You have no idea where on the pitch they are,
what the players without the ball are doing and what kind of defense
they are playing. Plus the fact you only know a handful of players in
either team, it takes a full half to even know which team has the ball
when they announce a guys name

The guys on TV are good, too. But they have the visual medium that
they can rely on to keep the amateur fan captivated

Take on the NYC summer stink

You've heard about Springtime in Paris, maybe you've heard of Winter
in Aspen and Autumns in New England but somehow they all fail in
comparison to Summers in New York City. The entire city turns into
one gigantic sweltering garbage heap. The smells on the street is
beyond putrid, the rats and roaches pop out of subway grates and
sewers to get away from the heat. But nothing is worse than the
garbage which seems to pile up twice as quickly in the summer and then
sit in the 100 degree heat cooking on the sidewalk so that the smell
just engulfs the entire street All the people are in shitty moods,
mostly because they have sweated through to their underwear and reek
to high heavens.
This is the day of the year when this entire city can blow me...after
if takes a shower

Take on god's gift

A man can only ask for so much, he can ask for happiness, security and
love but hoping for more always seems like somebody who tries to be
greedy. I tried to rationalize it all over the last five years but
have come to realize that everybody is handed a different lot in life,
my lot just has a bit more estrogen than most.

Whenever I tell people I have three daughters, they will inevitably
look at me and say "I'm sorry". Not because people don't love little
girls but because they know that as a man, I am not just completely
outnumbered but I am stuck sea without a compass. Three girls under
the age of five will take it's toll on anybody, they all have
different needs, wants and desires and balancing that with work,
upkeep of a home and a marriage is never easy, but for once, I will
not take this as a reason to complain. I have had hard days, ones
where I have wanted to jump out of a moving minivan, days I have
wanted to turn up Dora so loud that my ear-drums would pop and days I
have wanted to poke my eyes out with a princess crown but I have great
ones, too, and those are better than the lows. Maybe I am too cynical
expecting it all to be black or white but the grey (or is it gray, I
never know) areas are awesome. They are the times you learn more
about yourself, your own limitations and your own fortitude.

So screw you to all the dads of only boys, you have it easy, you are
in charted territory. Try taking on three girls and tell me what you
think. Plus I am sure my three girls can kick the sh!t out of your
little ones

Take on the shoot-out

There really is no worse way to end a major sporting event than a
penalty kick shootout. I get that the players are exhausted and there
is an argument against playing on forever but ending a World Cup game
in a shoot-out is like ending a ties World Series game by implementing
a home-run derby, and then one on a little league field. The
advantage is so much in favor of the kicker, it is ridiculous as the
guy has the opportunity to kick a ball into a net the size of my
garage from like 8 feet out. Yeah, you'll see the occasional
miraculous save and you'll see some world class athletes crumble under
the pressure but in any normal circumstance the striker has a 9-1
advantage at that distance.

They should at least push it back a few yards or have to get the guy
to approach the goal, dribbling from midfield. Or do it blindfolded
with a firing squad pointed right at him

Take on the Durex Pride ad

Saw that Durex was celebrating Pride Week with a bunch if new ads
which you'd think would be targeting their core audience but I was
stupefied by this one. I get they are celebrating Pride Week so a
couple of gay men would seem to both celebrate the week and appeal to
potential customers which apparently are white gay people. What is
odd is that they focus their ad on both a gay and a lesbian couple,
which for the spirit of the week is great but also seems to be missing
the point when it comes to people who can actually use their product.

Regardless, Durex we comment you for your celebration of white gay people

Take on the gas station sign

There is a Valero gas station close to my house who has more American
flags and "American owned" signs up around their station than a Hulk
Hogan convention. I get the idea of not buying from oil from
countries who despise us and thought it was an interesting marketing
technique but was wondering how effective their newest sign showing
the four local stations with an accompanying image which is meant to
signify where the gas company is based

Valero is apparently US based although truthfully I have never heard
of it before moving to this town but they represent all that is good
and true in an oil world controlled by counties who fund and fuel
terrorism, bring on sharia law, quell public unrest and mute the
voices of their country's opposition

Citgo is owners by the Hugo Chavez' cronies who have no love for the
good old Stars and Stripes and would bomb us out of this Hemisphere
the first chance they get

Shell is owned by an even more evil empire, a country with s
combination of loose morals and right wing nuts that they should be
shunned from any business transaction in the free world

But really Delta gets the worst treatment as they are apparently owned
by the canine nation who will get back at us for making them eat
intestines and aholes by taking a gigantic dump in our gas tanks

take on the World Cup tie-breaker

there really is nothing more obscene about futball than the tie-breaker they use to have a team advance out of the first round to the knock-out rounds..   FIFA in their infinite wisdom decided that the best way to break a tie between two teams with identical records should be goal-differential.   This is like two teams in football ending the season tied with identical records and the NFL using total touchdowns thrown as the deciding factor.  It might not be that ludicrous but the NFL's first tie-breaker is head-to-head which in every game -other than Fantasy Football- makes sense as it would put the onus on something real like play on the field as opposed to something that can be easily inflated with late goals in a blow-out game.  

So I'm calling on FIFA to change the tie-breaker rule moving forward to the following criteria

record in the round-robin round

head-to-head

if the head-to-head ends in a draw then the next tie-breaker could level of hotness of the team's fans

...

then you can go to goal-differential.

Take on the inadvertent switch to the Yahoo browser

There really is no greater crime than when, without consciously
consenting, your IPhone web browser gets changed to default to Yahoo.
I am sure it was some pop up window which I X'd out that changed it
but for the last few days all my searches have been complete cheap.
Ask for the total goals for teams from South America in the World Cup
and they give you the name of a brothel. Ask for coxsackie virus and
they show a picture of a dude with a huge sack and a tiny winkie and
ask them for a photo of some DCups and they show you some dude
sunbathing on the beach in Southern California

Take on extra time

We really get into soccer once every four years and truly believe the
World Cup is one of the greatest sporting events in the world. Unlike
the Olympics which also wraps itself up with national pride, this is
an event where you are captivated by one great game and not getting
sucked into some crazy game like shooting a gun after skiing or
playing shuffleboard on ice. In futbal the action is great, the
stars are not manufactured by NBC, the intrigue is real and the
competition is fantastic

What we don't particularly like are some of the soccerisms. The
entire FIFA is corrupt, the flopping is lame, the superstars are prima
donnas and the seedings seem to have been picked out of a hat at
random. But what really irks us about the beautiful game is his
concept of extra time. We get that with a running clock there has to
be some ability for the referee to add time to makeup for injuries,
substitutions and purposeful slow play but the concept of adding a
seemingly random amount of time -at the discretion of one person- to
the end of a game seems a bit 19th century but it's execution is
ludicrous

I can even wrap my head around the concept but what I can't fathom why
they don't let anybody know how much actual time they are adding. At
the end if the US-Portugal game the TV announcers said that the ref
added five minutes but that only means that it will be somewhere
between 5 and 6 minutes that is like telling an NBA team they have
about 4 minutes of overtime but the ref can blow the whistle any time
between four minutes and four minutes and 59 second. How the hell
would Phil Jackson or Pat Riley draw up a play??
In a tournament run by such a corrupt league, this can only lead to
accusations of cheating and you know this isn't beyond them.

The next time some American lawyer is in Rio in one of their renowned
FIFA fanfests and he steps into a brothel, he should ask for extra
time but not indicate how much he needs. If he's not done and if there
are complaint then they take it up with Sepp Blatter.

Take on the World Cup of Fashion

With the World Cup in full swing we are going to continue seeing a lot
of excitement as we go from the first round to the knock out round
which will mean better games because the talent level will be less
diluted and the teams that make it through will have better chemistry.
One thing we will see less of though are all the crazies dressed up in
be country's colors as they good through NYC. Brazil, Argentina or
Germany may win the cup but they will not will the worst dressed fans
cup...that distinction will go to the Dutch who prance around
manhattan wearing orange shirts, blue pants, red shoes and a green bow
tie and top it off with a purple hat. It is like the clowns are
trying to dress like somebody threw up a rainbow

So here is to hoping the Dutch keep it going because you can't have
enough color in your life.

Take on the GWB bus terminal shopping center

Drove past the GWB bus terminal yesterday and saw them advertising all
the brand new retail space available. The huge sign attached to the
side if the building included a picture of the exact same building but
as opposed looking like the dump it is, they have it all glitzed up to
look like some futuristic mall.
This might be the vision for the place but for somebody who has been
going through that terminal for 25 years, you know that there is
absolutely 0% hope of that place no looking like a third world bus
terminal

Take on princess overload

There really aren't many things more disturbing than the way they forced-feed this Disney Princess into little girls subconscious.   Unlike like boys who get smart, caring, sporty, funny and adventurous leads in movies and TV shows while girls either get some Mexican chick and a monkey or the same princess regurgitation over an over again.  Nothing can be worse for a five year old kid than learning the only dreams she should ever have involve a castle and the only say to get there is by enchanting a prince. 

As a father of three young girls, it's time for Hollywood to start recognizing that little girls should not be limited to their fairy tale boundaries.  We need more smart, athletic girl leads and the up owing Pixar's movie Inside Out (http://www.vulture.com/m/2014/06/what-pixars-next-movie-will-do-for-girls.html?mid=facebook_nymag) due our in 2015 is a starting point.    

If Frozen showed Hollywood anything, if is that little boys will not be turned off my a movie lead by a girl, time to make them princess free

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the fruit stand

I love the fruit stands in NYC even though they wildly overcharge for
basic fruits. You can get two bananas for a dollar, three peaches
for $2 or a bag of grapes for a ten spot. Now, this isn't the end of
the world and not exactly criminal because I am literally looking for
one or two pieces as opposed to getting a garbage bag full at costco
But what always bothered me is that these guys won't let you buy a
single banana if you have a bill bigger than a single. I guess it is
not worth their trouble to break a bigger bill for a $0.50 purchase
but if seems to me they if you are adding a 90% markup you could at
least be accommodating