Take on the guy who got beaten silly by a dad after he caught the dude sexually abusing his son

I don't usually condone violence but when a father caught some pervert
sexually assaulting his pre-teen son and proceeded to make his face
look like a ballsack, I applauded. I know violence is not an answer
but when the crime is so heinous, the victim so young and the
perpetrator such an obvious pussy, it can't be stopped.
I'm only surprised that the father didn't go further and make the guys
face look...dead.

Assuming there are no additional facts due to come to light, I don't
think the dad will face any charges but if he does, I'm donating $100
to his defense fund

Take on the Malaysian Jet crash over Ukrain

We may be looking at the beginning of WWIII if it is proven true that
Russia shot down a commercial jet over Ukraine today. Malaysian
airlines has had a rough 6 months but today's news has taken a bizarre
situation and made it even more so

I cannot imagine what it must be like for the families of the 295
people on board but I don't think this is going to end real well
because this could be seen as an incredible show of aggression -even
if it's mistakingly misplaced- by either the Russians, The Separatists
or the Ukrainians.

If this was meant towards the Ukraine, it will put the US in a tough
spot because as a NATO member, we have an obligation to defend
Ukraine, so this could be the start of WWIII

take on the penis weight

just read an article about some company who was introducing some kind of penis weight.. The theory behind it, I guess, is that like any muscle, if you want to strengthen it, you have to work it out.   I can see some people trying this but really when you hit your late 30's, adding a gigantic weight to your unit may mean you will never get a woody again.. When you are overworked, overtired, drive a mini van for your half a dozen kids, I think you want to do everything to avoid keeping it down.. your ball-sack has already dropped, do you really need your unit going the same route.  Forget adding a weight at this point in life you may be better getting a fork-lift.. so no thanks Private Gym LLC, I'm only really interested if this thing will actually increase the size.. 

take on the piss rug

is there anything more disgusting than one of those toilet rugs?   I have seen the way that dudes aim, even when they are trying and after a few coffees the entire bathroom looks like a slip and slide. Now you add a little rug which will absorb anything from a missed stream to a little drip-drip so at least there isn't a puddle of piss in your bathroom but really do you need your rug to be a piss-mop?

If you need a place to plant your feet on a cold night..wear socks.. there is no good reason for a piss mop rug.

Take on Twitbook

Twitter keeps trying to convince me to try to follow friends online
claiming it will make the entire experience that much better as if
getting bombarded with pictures of my neighbors softball game, a photo
that some random meal an acquaintance had or my crazy aunt's
worldview will somehow enhance the experience. What somebody should
tell Twitter is that one of the reasons people enjoy it is because it
is not Facebook. They both have their place but when one tries to do
the other, it doesn't ever work.

To me Twitter is a place to get breaking news, quick jokes and crazy
facts which is easily unobstructed from picture of cute cats or cuter
kids This is not a knock on Facebook but just use Twitter serves a
different purpose and that's ok. Nobody asks the NY Yankees to take
on Germany in a game of futbal or asks the NY Times for half naked
pictures of Rihanna because it is not what they are good at and not
what people going there expect.

So Twitter, stop trying to be something you are not and bombarding me
with this crap. Now I have been told you can get a lot of good pr0n
on Twitter if you search for the right terms

Take on the HGTV shows

For the last few months we've had the HGTV channel on about 90% of the
time the TV is on. It's a great channel with a bunch of good shows on
home improvements but what continues to kill me (and a few buddies who
I have discussed this with) is that every one of these shows seems to
be able to a complete gut renovation for the cost of a Honda Odyssey.
These shows will take a complete dump with mold in the basement,
structural problems, low ceilings and are basically made completely
out of asbestos. The owners of the house give a couple of brothers
(literally two brothers not a bunch of black dudes) $30k and they turn
a complete wreck into a million dollar mansion

What is frustrations is that we redid our fireplace for about $10k and
these guys will put on an extension for that price. I get that a
lot of the stuff they do is very cosmetic and decluttering which makes
these places look a lot better but what I have to think is that the
show must be subsidized by the show. For one, the "contractor" is
often the host of the show, so he's not taking his same cut.

Mostly, I am annoyed that if a house around NYC costs a million
dollars and the same house in Texas goes for like $150k. I get that
living in Texas isn't for everybody but at some point the cost of the
work and renovations is just so ridiculously overpriced around here
that watching this channel is akin to asking your four year old to
kick you the groin for thirty minutes per night

Take in the third place game

There are a ton of things which are great about The Beautiful Game.
The fluid pacing, the acrobatic scoring, the national pride, the nail
biting finishes and the grace of the play itself. There are also a
bunch of things which are just not: arbitrary extra time, shootouts to
determine champions, flopping etc, but nothing is weirder than the
fact they play this ridiculous 3rd place game. This is like playing
a losers bracket in Fantasy Football. It sounds like a great idea six
months before it happens but then it happens and everybody wants to
start a bunch of Bills and just go home.

I still hope the Dutch beat the Brazillians who seem utterly defeated
but really...who cares who wins this thing

Take on The Decision 2.0

We have all been waiting around for Lebron to tell us where he will
play for the next 1 to 10 years and were finally rewarded with him
coming out in SI and saying that he is going back to Cleveland. As
much as he was killed for The Decision, this was almost the opposite
in terms with the announcement coming in the form of a internet post
as opposed to an elaborate self serving TV special.
But what us most interesting is that the NBA continues to do the WWF
better than the WWE. Lebron goes from hero to heel to hero and like
Hogan back in the yellow and red will be brought back with nothing but
love by the desperate fans

What is most interesting is that the most sympathetic figure might be
Dwayne Wade. The third member of the Big Three, Chris Bosh, will
likely sign a max contract with the Rockets, so opting out for him was
not a huge financial loss. D-Wade will now be left 42million
guaranteed lighter even if he had a wink-wink agreement with the Heat
to get his money. He might now have to take 5 years to get his $42
and he'll be doing it with the likes of Chris Anderson and Mario
Chalmers both of who would make better video game characters than NBA
players.
Unless of course, Carmelo joins Bosh and Wade in South Beach and
battle the Cavs for Eastern Conference supremacy

Vince McMahon couldn't dream for this

take on the anus tear

As much as yesterday's game between Argentina and The Netherlands hurt to watch as a Dutchman, it could not have been nearly as painful as the injury one of the Argentinian players suffered on the pitch.,

Javier Mascherano says he tore his anus as he tried to block a potentially game winning kick by Arjen Robben.   I've been a sports fan for 30 years and I've seen some gruesome injuries including blown out knees, torn groins, pulled nuts, hamstrings, concussions, bloody faces, Joe Theisman's leg and Chris Dudley's broken nose but I don't think I can think of anything more painful than a dude trying to tackle somebody so hard that his anus tears.  I'm not sure how that is even possible but when it comes to a man's asshole, I try to avoid getting to much detail.  

now just think of what would have happened if FIFA got rid of the stupid penalty kick thing and went back to the golden nut and Robben would have scored.. we can only dream about the amount his ahole would have hurt then. ..

Take on the new iOS end call button

I finally downloaded the latest iOS this week auger punting on it for the last few updates.  I like to have the latest and greatest software whenever possible but find that updating the IPhone is always a scary endeavor.    My entire life is backed up onto my phone and everytime I press "update software" there is that one second where the entire things goes blank when I fear I have just dropped the thing in a lake.  It is supposed to be backed up in the cloud but who really trusts that??

But anyway, I finally downloaded the new iOS and find that the end call button on the phone call screen is annoyingly small.  If was originally this big sliding thing but now it's a button the size if a Canadian dime

Get me back the big sliding bar and get on with it 

Sent from my iPhones the land of no 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the left the kid on the subway platform mom

There are a few things that bother me more than the faux outrage over
the woman who left her baby on the subway platform at Columbus Circle.
Of course it is terrible to leave a 7 month old to fend for themselves
and there are obviously thousands of options that seem more humane to
greater society but I bet if you would allow yourself to see this
situation for what it really is, you'd find that it is not so
atypical.
Firehouses have long been a safe haven for people dropping off kids
who they believe they can no longer care for, adoption is a common and
accepted and women make difficult decisions every day but to think
this situation is so different is letting the situation and probably
the woman's skin color cloud your view
Although you'll find certain people who will claim motherhood (or
fatherhood for that respect) is like having ice-cream for dinner every
night, most people will tell you it is the most difficult, draining
and challenging thing they have ever gone through. Most people who
will get up on their soap-boxes about this will be people who either
have a support system or the means to pay for one in place to help
them raise their child.
I will make an assumption that is probably an unfair, biased
generalization grossly exaggerated based on a generalization but I
assume that the woman who left this child behind is a single mother,
living on modest means, with very little prospect for betterment and
probably made a decision -as ludicrous as it may seem to us- that this
child was better off in the hands of child-services than her own.
She did not drop her off in a ditch, behind a garbage can or even on
some secluded subway station, she dropped her off on one of the
busiest platforms on the MTA line and right in the heart of one of the
wealthier parts of the entire city.

This was possibly a child she did not plan for and the father may very
well have not been around to help raise the little girl. She may have
seen no hope and out of desperation decided this was best or maybe she
just lost it. Maybe she is clinically insane, strung out, high or
drunk; any of which would make me pretty sure she isn't a candidate
for mother of the year.

Should she have left the child on a subway platform?? Of course not.
Did she do it to harm her child...I doubt it. I think it was probably
the most humane way which she thought she could get out from
underneath the pressures of unwanted motherhood and certainly a much
preferred option than other ones you see often (hello hot car dad in
Georgia or drive into the ocean mom)

What bothers me most is that I would bet that there have been times
that most parents have had an inkling of a desire to drop their kid
off and just be done with it. Everybody will claim this is not true
for them but I unless they are the reincarnation of the baby Jesus,
Mother Theresa and Gandhi all rolled into one, they have had a point
in their life that they have had a thought that is not something
they'd ever admit. Anybody who tells you differently isn't being
honest..or at least should be inviting the rest of the world for that
ice cream dinner

Even the most loving and most caring ones have had moments when it all
felt like it was too much..but most of us have a support system,
financial or through family, which can help there. We are also
college educated professionals with a good grasp on impulse control
yet most probably have said or done things they have regretted.
I understand it is easy to pile on this woman and I agree is is not
fit to care for this -or any other- child but at some point you have
to realize that if this was a white woman in the burbs who dropped her
baby off at a firehouse, we would comment her for being brave and
doing what was best for her child, even if we ourselves would never
consider it.

now for that ice cream dinner

Take on the pregnancy test

I've told this story before but don't think I have ever done it on
TOR. A few months ago I was walking through Duane Reade looking for a
cough drop or something when I walked right past a woman walking
towards the checkout line. I noticed she was carrying a in house
pregnancy test and as I walked past her, I said "good luck".

I didn't plan on saying it, didn't think about it consciously but it just slipped out of my mouth.
she mouthed "thank you" back at me and then it hit me that I wasn't sure what I was wishing for her.

Then I realized that it didn't really matter because this might be the only comment in the entire world
which is completely appropriate regardless of the situation and underlying hopes and desire of the recipient of the good luck comment.

If she just had a one-night stand, "good luck" could be taken to mean
something very different than if she has been trying with her husband
over the last few months. Either way my comment was perfect

Take on kids viruses

Having three kids under the age of five means not getting a lot of
sleep, not getting a lot of time to yourself and means seemingly
dealing with some kind of virus every week. A few weeks ago it was
coxsackie a disease which sounds as nasty as it is, last week it was
diarrhea and this week we are battling strep. I am not exactly a
hypochondriac but I will say that the second my kid has a sore throat,
mine starts hurting. It's like when somebody yawns and you get some
subconscious need to yearn or when somebody gets poison ivy and you
immediately start feeling itchy or worse yet when some chick has yeast
infection and you want to eat a pie.
So I may wake up tomorrow with strep or not. One thing for sure with
three of then is that I will wake up tomorrow dead tired.

Take on the Spanish soccer station

I don't know what it is but the games I have seen on the Spanish
station have just felt more exciting, even if the action on the field
hasn't proven it. I read a tweet that said Univision got better
ratings than ESPN for the World Cup in a few key markets which didn't
seem all that surprising since each of those cities (Dallas, Miami,
Houston, Los Angeles and Phoenix) have significant Spanish speaking
populations. The only thing better than the WorldCup is the WorldCup
on Univision. I don't speak a word of Spanish past quesadilla,
burrito and grande tetas but I can sit through an entire game
listening to these announcers. Of course everybody will point to the
goooooooooaaaaaaallllllll calls which seem to go on forever but I bunk
that even the normal play by play is more energizing.
I am sure that I am not the only one, so it might actually be a bunch
of blanchos throwing the number over the top, either way, those guys
rock

Take on the Redskins

With all the hysteria around the football team that hails from
Washington DC recently, I thought it was rather comical that a
coworker brought in some peanuts the other day with the same disputed
name. I can't say I have a real strong opinion on the name of the
football team but do think that at some point it will change due to
public -and financial- pressure. I don't think the name was ever
intended as racist but I just can't imagine a team named the
blackskins, brownskins or the yellowskins. (Whiteskins might create a
different kind if outcry)
The irony is that Daniel Snyder will eventually cave to pressure but
he will benefit greatly as it will turn out to be a financial windfall
for him as it will allow him to market a new name and logo to his fans
who will all want to get new hats, jerseys, pajamas and other
paraphernalia.

I will leave this to Goodell, the NFL owners, Obama, Harry Reid and
John Boehner to decide but I demand that Star Snacks change their name
as it is blatantly offensive to red peanuts.

Take on socks with sandals

The editorial board at TOR has been made aware of a disturbing new trend in women's fashion and we feel it to be our duty to try to squash it before it gets further out of control. First women thought it was OK to wear flats with dresses but now the entire industry has gone grandma. Apparently, the top designers have been sending runway models down the catwalk wearing socks with sandals and I for one cannot be more annoyed. 

An article I was linked to said it was a transition for women from the long winter to the hot summer but personally I think it is a transition from style to just awful. This look was terrible when my uncle tried to pull it off in a canoe in France three decades ago and it hasn't improved no matter what Paris and Milan try to tell you.  Like basically anything Williamsburg, this is ugly for the sake of being ugly.  

Socks and sandals go together about as well as mixing drinks. It might seem like a great idea when you are do it but when you see the photos a few days later you want to bury your head in the sand 

So I implore you Fashion Industry, go back to do what you are paid to
do..make women look hot and stop doing what they themselves want to
do..be comfortable 

Take on Soccer on the Radio

The WorldCup has been thrilling, nerve-racking, excruciating and
devastating over the last few weeks, especially for fans of the USMT.
Most people, like myself, do not watch soccer regularly but many if us
find it incredibly exciting when this event comes at us every four
years. Although it is probably better live, it is a pretty good
watch on TV as the angle is large enough to give you enough of the
field to see and watch plays develop and the fact there are no
commercials makes sitting them for a total of 2 hours -including
intermission- very manageable. Even an amateur soccer fan can get a
grasp of how the game is played, defended and strategized even though
there are a bunch of wacky rules to deal with.
What I've struggled with is listening on the radio. It's not that the
announcers aren't good because the Irish dude Tommy Smyth is
fantastic. That dude could make you want to watch paint dry or
whiskey distill I cannot tell you how insightful this dude is and how
lyrical he is in his descriptions. Think an Irish Vin Scully about
six whiskeys deep

But even with Smyth and his play-by-play partner JP Dellacamera
calling as good a game as you can imagine, this sport just doesn't
translate to radio. You have no idea where on the pitch they are,
what the players without the ball are doing and what kind of defense
they are playing. Plus the fact you only know a handful of players in
either team, it takes a full half to even know which team has the ball
when they announce a guys name

The guys on TV are good, too. But they have the visual medium that
they can rely on to keep the amateur fan captivated

Take on the NYC summer stink

You've heard about Springtime in Paris, maybe you've heard of Winter
in Aspen and Autumns in New England but somehow they all fail in
comparison to Summers in New York City. The entire city turns into
one gigantic sweltering garbage heap. The smells on the street is
beyond putrid, the rats and roaches pop out of subway grates and
sewers to get away from the heat. But nothing is worse than the
garbage which seems to pile up twice as quickly in the summer and then
sit in the 100 degree heat cooking on the sidewalk so that the smell
just engulfs the entire street All the people are in shitty moods,
mostly because they have sweated through to their underwear and reek
to high heavens.
This is the day of the year when this entire city can blow me...after
if takes a shower

Take on god's gift

A man can only ask for so much, he can ask for happiness, security and
love but hoping for more always seems like somebody who tries to be
greedy. I tried to rationalize it all over the last five years but
have come to realize that everybody is handed a different lot in life,
my lot just has a bit more estrogen than most.

Whenever I tell people I have three daughters, they will inevitably
look at me and say "I'm sorry". Not because people don't love little
girls but because they know that as a man, I am not just completely
outnumbered but I am stuck sea without a compass. Three girls under
the age of five will take it's toll on anybody, they all have
different needs, wants and desires and balancing that with work,
upkeep of a home and a marriage is never easy, but for once, I will
not take this as a reason to complain. I have had hard days, ones
where I have wanted to jump out of a moving minivan, days I have
wanted to turn up Dora so loud that my ear-drums would pop and days I
have wanted to poke my eyes out with a princess crown but I have great
ones, too, and those are better than the lows. Maybe I am too cynical
expecting it all to be black or white but the grey (or is it gray, I
never know) areas are awesome. They are the times you learn more
about yourself, your own limitations and your own fortitude.

So screw you to all the dads of only boys, you have it easy, you are
in charted territory. Try taking on three girls and tell me what you
think. Plus I am sure my three girls can kick the sh!t out of your
little ones

Take on the shoot-out

There really is no worse way to end a major sporting event than a
penalty kick shootout. I get that the players are exhausted and there
is an argument against playing on forever but ending a World Cup game
in a shoot-out is like ending a ties World Series game by implementing
a home-run derby, and then one on a little league field. The
advantage is so much in favor of the kicker, it is ridiculous as the
guy has the opportunity to kick a ball into a net the size of my
garage from like 8 feet out. Yeah, you'll see the occasional
miraculous save and you'll see some world class athletes crumble under
the pressure but in any normal circumstance the striker has a 9-1
advantage at that distance.

They should at least push it back a few yards or have to get the guy
to approach the goal, dribbling from midfield. Or do it blindfolded
with a firing squad pointed right at him

Take on the Durex Pride ad

Saw that Durex was celebrating Pride Week with a bunch if new ads
which you'd think would be targeting their core audience but I was
stupefied by this one. I get they are celebrating Pride Week so a
couple of gay men would seem to both celebrate the week and appeal to
potential customers which apparently are white gay people. What is
odd is that they focus their ad on both a gay and a lesbian couple,
which for the spirit of the week is great but also seems to be missing
the point when it comes to people who can actually use their product.

Regardless, Durex we comment you for your celebration of white gay people

Take on the gas station sign

There is a Valero gas station close to my house who has more American
flags and "American owned" signs up around their station than a Hulk
Hogan convention. I get the idea of not buying from oil from
countries who despise us and thought it was an interesting marketing
technique but was wondering how effective their newest sign showing
the four local stations with an accompanying image which is meant to
signify where the gas company is based

Valero is apparently US based although truthfully I have never heard
of it before moving to this town but they represent all that is good
and true in an oil world controlled by counties who fund and fuel
terrorism, bring on sharia law, quell public unrest and mute the
voices of their country's opposition

Citgo is owners by the Hugo Chavez' cronies who have no love for the
good old Stars and Stripes and would bomb us out of this Hemisphere
the first chance they get

Shell is owned by an even more evil empire, a country with s
combination of loose morals and right wing nuts that they should be
shunned from any business transaction in the free world

But really Delta gets the worst treatment as they are apparently owned
by the canine nation who will get back at us for making them eat
intestines and aholes by taking a gigantic dump in our gas tanks

take on the World Cup tie-breaker

there really is nothing more obscene about futball than the tie-breaker they use to have a team advance out of the first round to the knock-out rounds..   FIFA in their infinite wisdom decided that the best way to break a tie between two teams with identical records should be goal-differential.   This is like two teams in football ending the season tied with identical records and the NFL using total touchdowns thrown as the deciding factor.  It might not be that ludicrous but the NFL's first tie-breaker is head-to-head which in every game -other than Fantasy Football- makes sense as it would put the onus on something real like play on the field as opposed to something that can be easily inflated with late goals in a blow-out game.  

So I'm calling on FIFA to change the tie-breaker rule moving forward to the following criteria

record in the round-robin round

head-to-head

if the head-to-head ends in a draw then the next tie-breaker could level of hotness of the team's fans

...

then you can go to goal-differential.

Take on the inadvertent switch to the Yahoo browser

There really is no greater crime than when, without consciously
consenting, your IPhone web browser gets changed to default to Yahoo.
I am sure it was some pop up window which I X'd out that changed it
but for the last few days all my searches have been complete cheap.
Ask for the total goals for teams from South America in the World Cup
and they give you the name of a brothel. Ask for coxsackie virus and
they show a picture of a dude with a huge sack and a tiny winkie and
ask them for a photo of some DCups and they show you some dude
sunbathing on the beach in Southern California

Take on extra time

We really get into soccer once every four years and truly believe the
World Cup is one of the greatest sporting events in the world. Unlike
the Olympics which also wraps itself up with national pride, this is
an event where you are captivated by one great game and not getting
sucked into some crazy game like shooting a gun after skiing or
playing shuffleboard on ice. In futbal the action is great, the
stars are not manufactured by NBC, the intrigue is real and the
competition is fantastic

What we don't particularly like are some of the soccerisms. The
entire FIFA is corrupt, the flopping is lame, the superstars are prima
donnas and the seedings seem to have been picked out of a hat at
random. But what really irks us about the beautiful game is his
concept of extra time. We get that with a running clock there has to
be some ability for the referee to add time to makeup for injuries,
substitutions and purposeful slow play but the concept of adding a
seemingly random amount of time -at the discretion of one person- to
the end of a game seems a bit 19th century but it's execution is
ludicrous

I can even wrap my head around the concept but what I can't fathom why
they don't let anybody know how much actual time they are adding. At
the end if the US-Portugal game the TV announcers said that the ref
added five minutes but that only means that it will be somewhere
between 5 and 6 minutes that is like telling an NBA team they have
about 4 minutes of overtime but the ref can blow the whistle any time
between four minutes and four minutes and 59 second. How the hell
would Phil Jackson or Pat Riley draw up a play??
In a tournament run by such a corrupt league, this can only lead to
accusations of cheating and you know this isn't beyond them.

The next time some American lawyer is in Rio in one of their renowned
FIFA fanfests and he steps into a brothel, he should ask for extra
time but not indicate how much he needs. If he's not done and if there
are complaint then they take it up with Sepp Blatter.

Take on the World Cup of Fashion

With the World Cup in full swing we are going to continue seeing a lot
of excitement as we go from the first round to the knock out round
which will mean better games because the talent level will be less
diluted and the teams that make it through will have better chemistry.
One thing we will see less of though are all the crazies dressed up in
be country's colors as they good through NYC. Brazil, Argentina or
Germany may win the cup but they will not will the worst dressed fans
cup...that distinction will go to the Dutch who prance around
manhattan wearing orange shirts, blue pants, red shoes and a green bow
tie and top it off with a purple hat. It is like the clowns are
trying to dress like somebody threw up a rainbow

So here is to hoping the Dutch keep it going because you can't have
enough color in your life.

Take on the GWB bus terminal shopping center

Drove past the GWB bus terminal yesterday and saw them advertising all
the brand new retail space available. The huge sign attached to the
side if the building included a picture of the exact same building but
as opposed looking like the dump it is, they have it all glitzed up to
look like some futuristic mall.
This might be the vision for the place but for somebody who has been
going through that terminal for 25 years, you know that there is
absolutely 0% hope of that place no looking like a third world bus
terminal

Take on princess overload

There really aren't many things more disturbing than the way they forced-feed this Disney Princess into little girls subconscious.   Unlike like boys who get smart, caring, sporty, funny and adventurous leads in movies and TV shows while girls either get some Mexican chick and a monkey or the same princess regurgitation over an over again.  Nothing can be worse for a five year old kid than learning the only dreams she should ever have involve a castle and the only say to get there is by enchanting a prince. 

As a father of three young girls, it's time for Hollywood to start recognizing that little girls should not be limited to their fairy tale boundaries.  We need more smart, athletic girl leads and the up owing Pixar's movie Inside Out (http://www.vulture.com/m/2014/06/what-pixars-next-movie-will-do-for-girls.html?mid=facebook_nymag) due our in 2015 is a starting point.    

If Frozen showed Hollywood anything, if is that little boys will not be turned off my a movie lead by a girl, time to make them princess free

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the fruit stand

I love the fruit stands in NYC even though they wildly overcharge for
basic fruits. You can get two bananas for a dollar, three peaches
for $2 or a bag of grapes for a ten spot. Now, this isn't the end of
the world and not exactly criminal because I am literally looking for
one or two pieces as opposed to getting a garbage bag full at costco
But what always bothered me is that these guys won't let you buy a
single banana if you have a bill bigger than a single. I guess it is
not worth their trouble to break a bigger bill for a $0.50 purchase
but if seems to me they if you are adding a 90% markup you could at
least be accommodating

take on Samantha Foxx

the legendary stripclub, Scores, is continuing to sue some NJ Dr. for a $135k bar-tab, even after he alleged he was drugging when he racked up the bill.  We have all spent a couple more dollars than we'd like to admit to at a stripclub but I can't imagine dropping $135,000 on anything, let alone a bar tab but this isn't really the story.   The story goes that four strippers including some chick named Samantha Foxx would slip drugs in drinks and then start using the victim's credit card like a lotto machine..   But the real crime to this entire story isn't this dude's blackout story, the exorbitant price of booze, the alleged drugging, the fact the lead stripper looks nothing like the real Samantha Fox or any other shenanigans.  it's the fact that this version of Samantha Foxx is a dude..

just look at her jawline, muscle tone and huge package stuffed into her panties.. 

Take on The Yankee Way

All over town there are these billboards advertising the Jeter'e last
season. There are photos of the Captain hustling down the baseline,
hitting a ball the other way and waving to the fans which is sort of
nice as he has been a baseball icon in this city for nearly two
decades. What is odd is that next to the photos of Jeter they will
put photos of some random family in what I guess is their attempt to
entice a father or mother to make spending $300 on tickets and parking
for a family of four a tradition you can't miss out on. Nothing
captures Yankee tradition like some nerdy Asian dude and his snot
nosed son smiling over the West Side Highway but that isn't the worst
of it for the Bombers.
Long gone are the days when Yankee stadium was drawing 3 million
people and the stadium was sold out nightly, now the mighty Yanks are
advertising along the West Side highway along ads for Larry Flynt's
hustler club

Take on Miss Teen Colorado runner up

When I read that a former Miss Teen is releasing a porn video, I
wasn't the least bit surprised. Not because I know anything about
the girl and not even because it will be her second video. I was not
surprised because what do you expect. If you are going to put your
kids on stage for a bunch of muddle aged men to gawk at, you have to
expect they will continue to choose paths where middle aged men will
gawk at them.

What was odd about the article was that they stripped this girl off of
her title but since she didn't actually have a title of significance
(runner up as Miss Teen Colorado is about as impressive a thing to add
to your resume as understudy in a high school version of West Side
Story)

The only thing I really have against this is that any time you search
for teen and porn, you are inviting a knock at your door

Take on the new truck

I love food trucks and will frequent them at least two or three times
per week. I love the dirty gyro cart, supported Katz and Dogs, enjoy
the empanada truck, eat at the cheesesteak tuck whenever possible and
will even grab a dirty water dog a couple of times per month but when
I saw the latest incarnation of a truck I was less interested.
I love TGI Fridays but as a grease truck it just doesn't do it for me.
Not sure why but it just seams that a truck should be more David than
Goliath of maybe because nachos aren't conducive to street food

Take on the Ny Times question

Thank you for asking NY Times, it's a question I have not thought a
lot about but probably should. Life changes and so does your
writing. Maybe if gets better, maybe worse but certainly in 6 years
of doing a daily blog we know it has changed. When we started we
wrote about booze, running and women's shoes, today we talk about
breast feeding, running on empty and going to buy kid's shoes. Maybe
we are less cynical, maybe we are less political and maybe we are less
jovial but one thing we are is appreciative. Appreciative that people
will take a couple of minutes out of their day to indulge us. Six
years of writing every single day means we have posted nearly 2200
blog posts which, if we can say it, is no small feat.
But thank you for reading, we hope to do this for another few years as
it's now our only non-kid outlet.

Take on my own Fallujah

I am not one who believes in God, Holy Trinities or Heaven but if I
needed to describe Hell it would probably be Target on a Saturday
afternoon with three screaming kids. I don't know why three is so
much more challenging than two but three kids at the suburban Fallujah
is near impossible. Between the aisles, the toys, the perishables,
the 10,000 other families and the bumper cars there is just now good
reason to ever do this at any time other than 9:30pm on a Tuesday

Plus they were all out of wipes which is the one item I came in
for..the bastards!!!

Take on Miss Indiana

Mekayla Diehl was crowned Miss Indiana a while ago but when she tried to wear the crown of Miss USA, she didn't even make the top 10...

I guess there could possibly be 10 hotter chicks than her but most of the talk was that she was too heavy to win.   This chick who is 5'8" and a size 4 is apparently too thick for the judges but anybody who would turn this chick down in the sack is a gay-man (or a straight woman)..   I know there is this desire for the rail-thin chicks but who in their right mind would want to spend a night with a plank with mosquito bites over a chick whose got curves like Route 6 is out of their minds.  This chick is the way that a woman is suppose to look

anyway, she may have lost the crown but she's number 1 in our heart or in our mental bank... 

Take on Big Coffee

Our entry earlier this week on the exorbitant cost of iced coffee
relative to it's hot brethren has elicited quite some response and
touched quite a few nerves.
Apparently, we as a nation are ok with Big Coffee running the show
because only TOR is willing to point it out and because I am stuck in
endless traffic because of some accident on the GWB and I haven't had
coffee, I am particularly cranky

Anyway, I was sent a link to an article in the Atlantic
(http://m.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2012/03/why-is-iced-coffee-so-expensive/254945/)
which laid out many legitimate reasons for the higher price if iced
coffee. Then again it was entirely based on an interview with one guy
who owns a coffee shop. Anyway, this "investigative" report came back
with four reasons why this dude justifies his higher cost

- the cost of plastic cups are higher than paper ones
- the coffee shops are forced to buy expensive new seasonal machines
- there is more coffee grind used
- it takes the same markup as other higher prices items
- people are stupid

Let's take these on one at a time

- the cost for a paper cup vs. a plastic cup is probably about $0.01
when bought in bulk. As pointed out by one of the comments to the
article, Fast Food restaurants sell soda in same "high quality"
plastic cups for less money and do just fine. In fact my most
estimates those sodas offer the biggest profit margin at a fast good
place.

- these "expensive seasonal machines" are called ice makers. Some how
I am not convinced that an ice maker will put a restaurant our of
business being that nobody charges you extra for ice water

- As for the more expensive grind, Starbucks sells about 5 different
brewed coffees at the same price and most places just dump the same
coffee over ice. Plus a 16 ounce warm coffee is actually suppose to
be 16 ounces while a 16 ounce iced coffee is probably 8 ounces of ice.
So the higher price gets you less coffee but be sure it was a better
bean

- they need to make the same markup for other high-prices items is a
completely worthless argument since we are comparing it to their least
expensive offering.

- the people are stupid is a pretty good argument on the other hand.
If somebody will happily pay nearly I double for some ice cubes and a
plastic cup, I guess there is really no argument left

take on "we're pregnant"

Mila Kunis was on Jimmy Kimmel the other night when she went on a rant about guys who use the "we're pregnant" thing and like most things Mila..I completely agree..   There really is nothing worse than some dude (or chick) who uses a phrase like "we're pregnant" because..well you guys aren't both actually pregnant, there is one person basically carrying around a sack of potatoes while the other is going out boozing and smoozing.   

This is like somebody saying that 'we're running the marathon" when it's really their partner lacing up the shoes and suffering through 26.2 miles of misery.. 

I've been lucky enough to have three kids but never once would I utter those words.. and if I did you can kick me the nuts, cause I'm going to do it to you, if you utter them.

Take on the Greatest Scam in the World

There really is no bigger scam out there than iced coffee. Hey, we'll
take a small $1.25 coffee, keep it in a fridge and serve it over
frozen water and charge you double. Not only are you essentially
paying for ice but you are actually getting less coffee which is
already a ridiculously high profit margin item

So although your iced coffee sounds delicious on a sweltering hot day
after I just ran 10 blocks to catch a ferry, I will opt for the small
coffee instead

Take on the unoriginal muppet costume

I always figured that if you were going to be a Times Square Muppet,
you'd want to stick out. Now, that doesn't mean you have to play the
guitar in your tighty whities but it should mean that you pick a
costume that is a bit different than your Columbian brethren in
donning. Today I saw not one, not two, not three but four different
guys dressed as Lady Liberty. I get that this might be a popular
character for the idiot tourists but I'd appreciate one of them having
their lantern held over their crotches

Take on the police trap

There really is no bigger scam than the one my home-town's police
department runs completely legally. They have set up the equivalent
of a speed trap except instead of trying to work towards public
safety, this is set up solely to generate money for the department.
On a pretty busy street they have staked out a spot right over a hill
and watch as unsuspecting drivers fall into the trap over and over
again. The trap goes as follows, there is a plain-clothed police
office hanging out on a sidewalk along a well travelled parts leading
into the town. The officer is camped out by a blinking yellow light
just kind of hanging out and waits till a car approaches. He then
sticks his pinky toe into the street and since it's
a blinking light, forces anybody who doesn't slam on his brakes into
breaking the law. Not only are people legally driving down this road
at 35 MPH and stopping for what appears to be a drug addict is
actually more dangerous because there are cars right behind him but
the crosswalk is one that is never used, so most people would not ever
think to stop, especially since the officer isn't even attempting to
actually cross the street

While waiting in traffic in the opposite direction last week, I saw
the cops pull over five cars in a 3 minute period, each of whom
probably got a $50 ticket and a few points on their license.

Take on the World Cup draw

I don't claim to know anything about soccer but even I will get into
it once every four years. What I've heard about more than anything
in anticipation for the start is how incredibly unfair the draws are
and based on the above handy chart this seems like a reasonable gripe.

Group H, for example, has four teams which could be beaten by my four
year old's town team and they don't even keep score. But Groups B, D
and G are just ridiculously stacked basically pinning Hogan vs Flair
vs Stone Cold vs Triple H. We all know that FIFA is completely
corrupt (see Qatar) so this is no surprise but for the premier event
for the sport, they could at least play a little lip service to
fairness, even if they very obviously have set it up for Brazil to win
this thing.

Take on the DIY project

Nothing is more fun than spending a Friday on a home improvement
project. The beauty of buying a house from a want-to-be DIY guy is
finding a bunch of Christmas presents every time you open a wall, if
Christmas sucked.

My bathroom sink hasn't been draining real well and even a full bottle
of Draino doesn't help, so I went to check the trap to find out it
looked like a piece of rotten wood. I go to three hardware stores
and find out that all the piping he used (1 1/4) is non standard which
means standard replacements are hell. I am now without a working sink
and have a call out to a place in Kansas City hoping I can get a 1 1/4
flanced connector pipe.

Kill me

Take on the Subway coffee pod

I walked into Subway the other day and after I got my breakfast
sandwich they asked if I wanted a coffee and because I am a caffeine
addict, I said yes. I know it shouldn't really matter but when he
pulled out a Keurig pod and made me a coffee and then charged me $2, I
felt jipped, because I know these things cost $1 a pop which is weird
because I have no problem paying $2 for a brewed coffee which probably
costs $0.10.

Take on the new McDonalds logo

I have a soft spot in my heart for a BigMac mainly because it is an
absolutely delightful sandwich but, probably also, because my parents
refused to ever take me to McDicks when I was a kid. All my friends
were getting a Happy Meal after little League and my mom would feed us
a kale and cucumber sandwich.
I was always envious of those other kids until I realized they are all
400 pounds now. I am not sure what made the Happy Meal so appealing
other than the two pounds of salt they threw of the fries because
anyway you cut it, it was just a small burger in a fancy box with a
cheap plastic toy inside. With that said, it was pure marketing
genius and there was really no reason to change from it...until of
course these geniuses at McDonalds inc. decided that they needed a new
logo and the one they probably spent millions to design is completely
frightening looking. I am not sure how this thing appeals to a five
year old because it looks like a comic book vagina monster

take on the male vs female hurricane study

I read an article on CNN yesterday which stated that hurricanes with Female names are less devastating than ones with Male names.   The study, which looked at all hurricanes from 1950 through 2012, showed that feminine hurricanes named Cathy or Tracy have killed many more people than any of the masculine ones like Richard and Chris..  They theorized that it had to do with an intimidation factor with people doing more preparation for male-named hurricanes.

A buddy commented that since he didn't remember many male hurricanes that it doesn't seem possible and we tend to agree.    Although it certainly can help with limiting death and injuries, a hurricane is going to cause major structural damage regardless of preparation, so you'd think that male ones are just as likely to destroy levies, bridges and buildings..

Looking a bit further, it seems the study is completely skewed because up until 1979 all hurricanes were female so all hurricanes before that date should be tossed out of the study.. The way we see it, chances are that this has nothing to do with people putting more onus in male hurricanes and probably just some statistical fluke

but if you want a reason why this is, I will give you one..   maybe female hurricanes are actually larger in scope for the following reason: since they alternate between M/F names this might actually have something to do with climates, I figure that after a major storm there might not be enough tension in the air to allow for the build-up of another in a specific region and since you have certain areas in the Caribbean for example where they all seem to originate, maybe it's just the fact that when there is a big female hurricane it just can't be followed up with a large male one...

or maybe people are stupid enough to not put wood on their windows because the next storm is called Nikol as opposed to Tim

Take on John Daly

there really is no better American than John Patrick Daly..  Not only because he's a fall down drunk who sometimes dazzles and other times fizzles but because he just revealed he blew through nearly $55 million playing blackjack and slots.   I've lost a few bucks in Vegas (really just a few bucks) but cannot imagine blowing through millions of dollars, even if I had millions more. 

the best thing about him is that when every once in a while, he'll shoot like a 68 on a Thursday of a tournament and make the cut.. then he usually implodes by Saturday and proceeds to hit a ball while it's rolling down a hill for a couple of penalty shots.    then come Sunday he's the first one off the tee and he barrels through 18 holes in like 3 hours, all while shotgunning beers and smoking butts the entire way..   He's passed out in a gutter somewhere even before the leaders come around the turn 

Take on Brody

When I read that the US had completed a successful prisoner exchange
with the Taliban, I was both relieved and completely frightened.
Obviously, getting Bowe Bergdahl released was important as he was the
last remaining POW in Afghanistan or Iraq. He was in such bad shape
when we was brought back by the US Special Forces that he had trouble
speaking English after having spent 5 years in captivity.

What bothers the Editorial Board of this newspaper was that not only was this
guy a deserter who put many US servicemen and women in harms way,  in
exchange for Bergdahl's release the US released five of the most
dangerous captives from Guantanamo Bay. Say what you will about
Guantanamo but we do believe that it housed some pretty bad dudes and
although may be unconstitutional and cruel, it kept a certain element
out of the battle fields. We always believed that IF Obama could have
closed Guantanamo, he would have but somehow the people they are
holding there cannot be brought to light without it being either i)
dangerous, ii) irresponsible, iii) embarrassing or all of the above.
What worries us is that although they aren't going to be released
right back onto the battle field, they are now in the hands of Qatar
which is about as bad, unless of course they can help build some
WorldCup stadiums with air-conditioning.

If anybody thinks keeping these guys in Qatar is a good idea for a
year, we are in for a big surprise. This is like arming Bin Laden
during the 80's, these guys after a decade of torture in Cuba
are now extra pissed at the blanco. These guys wheeled and dealed
their way through the FIFA process, I have no doubt that a couple of
donkeys and a couple of barrels of oil can't get there five guys
smuggled back to Afghanistan in a week.

The other thing that is scary is that although we all wanted the US
soldier back, we can't shake the thought of a real live Nicholas Brody
entering the national stage.