Take on the subway smell

Somebody asked me if I missed taking the subway regularly, the other day.

Having moved out of NYC about a year ago, I've obviously cut down my
subway time dramatically. I sort of miss it some days, but mostly
thank the good god that I so not have to be subjected to too much of
it. I can still easily rattle off virtually every stop on the
downtown, but what I had forgotten was the smell of urine and sweat
that hits you when you first walk onto the platform during the summer
months l. I get down there today and the entire station smells like
a that fat turd Jared croked on a footlong and died down there

It has always been a problem, when the weather gets hot, since there
is no good circulation. The stagnant air just gets filtered through
the hot and sweaty bodies and the remnants of some 23 year old's
Thursday Night are splattered all over the floor and is now running
into the piss of a homeless guy

So no, I don't miss the Subway

Take on the Delta Partner Flight Attendants

When I got an email from Delta announcing the 'exciting news' about their partnerships in the sky, I was hoping that they'd introduce an official mile-high club benefit or offering free upgrades on all flights to their most loyal customers.  Instead I was told that I'd be earning less miles when flying some of their partners under the pretense that I was getting something.  

What was more depressing was the picture they posted along with the press-release showing what can only be described as some of the least attractive, fattest ankled pigs this side of an all-chick biker bar.  I know that airlines are making a concerted effort to move away from the sexism associated with the traditional stewardess, but this is getting ridiculous.  First of all, you can't have it both ways, if you want to move away from this sexism, you can't post a picture of only women because that proves you are no better than the cat-calling businessmen flying your airline.   But honestly the hypocrisy doesn't bother me nearly as much as the fact that the entire group looks as beat-up as their fleets.. If you are going to go through this exercise, at least make them attractive, even if it's just to fulfill our fantasy since we all know that the average flight-attendant on the US based airlines, now eats dinner at 5pm and can get into a movie at a reduced rate.

And because I know you are waiting for it

9-3-15-11-8-10-6-16-1-4-14-2-7-12-5-13

here is a copy of the link, for you to make your own http://content.delta.com/content/www/en_US/skymiles/earn-miles/earn-miles-with-partners/airlines.damAsset.20130307T153754622Z.html/content/dam/delta-www/hero/hero-b/1/airline-partner-flight-attendants.jpg

Take on the state committee primary

When I got a mailed ballot for elections in NJ, I didn't think much of
it and wasn't sure if it's even bother to vote as it is just at
primary and I know nothing about any of the candidates
What did catch my eye was the weird fact that they have separate spots
for male and female members of state committee. I am all for
representative government but categorizing, what seem like, worthy
candidates, based only on gender seems like it should belong in some
1950s world.

We don't separate white from black wide receivers for the Pro Bowl or
Latinos vs Cornhuskers in baseball (except for the WBC) or women and
men on national ballot boxes, so why is this acceptable?

I am pretty sure the GOP does not separate along sexual lines

Take on Google Glass

Google Glass got a lot less interesting when they decided that it was
going to be released to Communist China only. Well not exactly, but
when they decided to not allow for porn on them, it went from a
possible great American invention to another example of our futility
as a country. If this isn't the prime example of the terrorists
winning, then I don't know what is, because we stand for more than
that and nobody should deprive a meat eating, beer guzzling, calorie
hog from being able to goggle at naked women. Google claims they
don't do evil, but if censorship isn't evil then I don't know what
is!!

Obama better get off his white horse and get involved here, because
his entire presidential legacy will be defined by censorship and
tyranny, if he doesn't.

Take on Slow Children

I always wonder why some of the most basic billboards and menus lack
proper punctuation. Yesterday, while driving through some nameless
suburb, I come across a street sign which reads 'slow children'
Is the sign supposed to bring attention to a child with developmental
issues, because that is the way it reads, or just a poorly designed
one lacking punctuation?. I have to think that they are not talking
about mental retardation, but instead, just warning drivers to beware
of children at play.


The irony, of course, is that TOR is infamous for the lack of commas.

Take on the Flawed Fired Escape Plan

I never quite understood the signs they have in hotels telling you to
take the stairs in case of a fire because the accompanying picture has
the little black guy walking directly into the big red flame. It is
as if they are basically steering people into the pit of hell, like
those escalators to nowhere. Maybe this is the kind of population
control, Big Fire is aiming at.

I will say this, if I ever get stuck in a fire, I will use common
sense and NOT follow the directions asking me to walk right into the
flames, but thanks for the message

Take on the unmanned toll booths

A while back, they decided to ditch the cash lanes and manned
toll-booths on the Hudson Bridge crossing from Manhattan into the
Bronx. This was a great thought because it meant that everybody would
cruise through, not holding up crazy traffic all the way back to 42nd
street
All tolls are now paid by EZ-Pass or otherwise with a bill sent in the
mail and traffic has never run smoother. The issue is that for some
reason they only open two lanes at a time, so although the theory is
to keep traffic moving, they actually so the reverse

Idiots

Take on the open pickle barrels

I love pickles, I'd eat them with just about any meal that offers one
and have travelled far and wide for a good one. I also love street
fairs and stands and nothing is a better combo than one of those
Pickle Guy stands. What I don't like are the ones where they allow
the average homeless guy to stick his meat-paws into the pickle bucket
to get a sample. Don't get me wrong, I love the sample myself, but
that is only because I don't allow myself to realize what they've been
exposed to and although pickle juice can cure even the nastiest
hangover, I doubt it stands a chance against tuberculosis

take on the public donation

When I got CC'd to an email the other day, I was immediately annoyed.  It isn't that getting put onto an email thread in itself annoys me as I get put on tons of them about home-improvement issues and I happily read without ever caring to comment.   What got me annoyed about this particular instance was that I was CC'd on an email from an acquaintance about a charity event with a note that they would not be able to attend; they also made it a point to add a PS about a donation they'd be making for the charity.   I'm happy that people feel it within their heart to make a donation to a cause they believe in, but I'm not exactly sure why I need to be informed of their every move.

There is a beauty about making an anonymous donation

take on the beard net

I understand the need for the health department to demand that people
working in the food-preparing industry should wear hair-nets but when I got
breakfast this morning at Subway and the dude comes out of the kitchen
looking like Santa Clause, I wonder if there should be an enforced law for
beard-nets too?  This dude looked like Osama Bin Laden with a beard that
slopped into the $5 footlong like a mop.

Although, to be honest, it's not as bad as the guys at the Italian place up
the street from my old apartment.  In the 98 degree heat this savage should
have been forced to wear a chest-net to catch all the stray sweat covered
chest hairs falling into my meatball parm out of his dirty v-neck.   This
is one place those dirty take-out Chinese places have a major (hairless)
leg up.

Take on the walking duck

I can't stand feeling like I am stuck behind a semi as I try to get to
work. I can't stand people who waddle down the street but especially
when you burn my retinas with your choice in clothing.
Can somebody explain why a man would EVER wear purple pants,
especially when they look like they should be wearing a girdle. I
walk down the street last week and see this mass of humanity waddling
in front of me

I don't know why it bothers me but it is mainly because this blob of
humanity blocked me from getting to work on time with his yellow murse
and what looks like night be a brassier under that baloney skin
golf-shirt

Take on the tossed salad

There is probably nothing less appealing than the large salad at a
party, yet every BBQ today will have one guest who was tasked to bring
one. It's easy to bring beer, it's no problem to bring hot-dogs or
burgers but the person in charge of the salad is screwed. First of
all, there is just no way to dress a salad for that many people
without it getting completely drenched so most of the time people opt
to not dress it which leaves you chewing on plain arugula or spinach.
Add to that so many dietary restrictions, it always just becomes a big
bowl of greens with not nearly enough stuff which will inevitably be
the item nobody at the party will actually go for. This pathetic bowl
of leaves and to maps wil sit there all day, wilting from the heat of
the grill and the sun. People will pick at some of the goat cheese
and cranberries bit will leave all the lettuce, which will constantly
make the concoction look less and less appetizing

So do us all a favor this Memorial Day and leave the big bag of
prewashed lettuce at home, and bring another six of Brooklyn Summer

Take on the crazies

I was looking for a new AM/FM radio the other day and came across the
above one. I have learned a few things in my life: never speak to
the guy at the next urinal, never get sushi at a 50% off sake and
don't ever trust a guy wearing the over the head radio transmitters

I think the first two are obvious but the last may need some
explanation. See, the kind if guy who uses this kind of radio, is one
step away from going off the grid all together. A guy like this is
just as likely to live in some cabin in New Hampshire or with his
parents in Queens but either way, he probably thinks that BigBrother
is following him or at least that is what Glenn Beck is channeling to
him.
There has to be a very obviously and measurable connection between
those headsets and sending envelopes containing Ricin or Anthrax

So, I decided against this option, even if it is a great look, and
opted for a jogging Sony for $29.99

Take on the teenager mob

When did teenagers all start to dress like The Fresh Prince? I walk
through the hellhole that is Port Authority this week and encounter
what should have been a somewhat intimidating scene. About 8 or 9
rowdy teenagers, all yelling and cussin and causing typical mayhem,
were standing around and basically blocking foot traffic. But as
opposed to it coming across as even remotely threatening, it came
across as a broadway show because these dipshits were decked out in
purple shorts, like green hats and bright yellow tank-tops. It is as
if I got off the bus, and somehow ended up at Six Flags
It is not that teenagers, in general, are all that intimidating, but
any pack of people sort of confronts you, even if they aren't doing
anything. It is the perception that they could at some point could
jump you, these guys looked more likely to break out into Office
Krupke

Take on Strawberry

When I walked into Starbucks the other day, I realized it was time to
move. Not only were they blasting some awful Yaz song and there was
a huge line which meant I had to listen to the entire thing but The
guy in front of me, some 20 something Dustin Diamond looking dweeb
ordered what may have been the longest single drink order I have ever
heard.

Dustin. Can I get a tall triple mocha, skim milk no water, double
espresso latte with low fat whip-cream and a swirl

Barista: sure, will that be it?

Righetti (under my breath) "not sure why you'd get skim milk and low
day whip-cream if you are adding three servings of mocha"

Barista: (wink) "be with you in a second, sir"

Dustin: "no, that's it, thank you"

Barista: that will be $6, what is your name?

Dustin: "Strawberry"

Barista: (giggles), "strawberry?"

Righetti: (rolls eyes)

Dustin: "yep, Strawberry"

Barista " ok Strawberry, latte at the end of the counter"

Righetti "large black coffee, please"

Barista "I need a new job"

Righetti "I need a new Starbucks"




By the way, I don't think he was gay

Take on Kids Musical Yoga

When my kid brought home a Kids Musical Yoga DVD the other day, I thought it would be a nice way for her to unwind from a full day while I prepared dinner for her and her sister.  I pop in the video and just listen to the songs from the kitchens.  They all seem innocent enough with some mermaid named Andreanna and her musical partner named Talon singing about sea animals and asking to mimic them in various yoga poses.   The weird thing was when I actually say down to catch the last few minutes.  

Maybe it's just dated but the entire thing feels like it was filmed in San Fernando Valley.  It wasn't just the production value but even the mermaid chick and her long haired musical comrade looked like they just rolled over from another kind of shoot and didn't bother to even wipe up.   They both have that hung-over glassy, 'I am not sure if I am supposed to sing or sit on his face' look, her with the ridiculous eye-makeup and teased out hair and him with that sleazy 'I got a' 9 inch dong' attitude.   You half expect him to pick her up and bend her over the enchanted sea throne to find her magic mermaid pearl 

Overall, I am fine with pornography, but I am not sure I need my three year old watching Lucy Luscious roll her eyes back and watching Richard Pounder standing that close to my kid

if you want to be freaked out yourself, go to http://www.kidsmusicalyoga.com/media/kidsmusicalyoga_demo.wmv

Take on China's One Boy Policy

I have always consider myself pro choice, believing that a woman has the right to make decisions on her body but my defense both outwards, and the one I internalize, takes a major hit every time I think about China.   See, in China with their strong 1 child per couple rules and a strong desire from that culture to have boys, there are million of fetuses aborted for the sheer fact that they come up as XX as opposed to XY.   This (un)natural selection has gotten so bad, that there are now 118 boys born for every 100 girls and having been there a dozen times, it is not getting any better.    Not only are there major societal problems that will lead directly from this disparity (younger and younger girls needing to wed older men, less child bearing women in total) but it is completely awful, in my mind, to make a choice based on it's gender.  

This Asian mentality of female inferiority is maddening and flat out disgusting.  I can only hope these sex craved young men will realize that they also have a choice in this matter..a choice to not out pressure on their wives to bear a boy 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the front in parallel parker

There are not many skills, I believe all humans should posses but i am
convinced people who do not have them are suffering from some of them
may as well have a functioning disability. Forget autism, adult ADD,
manic depression or schizophrenia, i am taking about something that is
even more disabling and probably a larger drain on society.

These basic skills include being able to properly communicate, keep
clean and maybe most importantly, parallel park. I do not understand
how a seemingly adjusted adult can live another wise normal life and
not be able to park a car. This is not a complicated task, it
involves looking over your shoulder and turning a steering wheel. I
cannot imagine living in the 21st century and feeling like three
quarters of the parking spots aren't available to me because they
involve some basic geometry. It is such a basic skill that I have to
assume that anybody who cannot master it, is probably incapable of
many things other functional adults do with ease.

So I propose taking away driver's licenses of anybody observed of not
being able to parallel park at minimum and institutionalizing after
the second offense

Take on the mirror

For all the complaining I so, it would be about time for me to call out my own flaws.   I remember taking my senior photo and realizing that I am completely two faced.  I'm not talking about a propensity to stab people in the back, that is an all together other asset, but the fact that my face is completely asymmetrical.  It's the reason I so often stare at myself in the mirror and wonder what is wrong

My cheekbones on one side of my face are a full inch higher than the ones on the other.  My one eye looks like it's being pulled  down by a small weight and my mouth looks like The Joker meets Stallone, add to that the dark circles, the half grown in beard and the gap between my teeth and I look like a total pervert

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the FIOS cable guide

For months I have realized that I can't stand the FIOS cable-guide,
but was never able to put my finger on why. Last night, I realized
why I had such hatred. For some reason when FIOS designed their
cable guide, showing seven channels at a time, they did not put the
highlighted one on the middle. So there are two channels above and
four channels below which seems completely ass backwards because your
eye naturally gravitates towards the middle of the screen. With seven
channels showing, it would make sense to have three channels above and
three channels below because, well that would be logical. Then again
FIOS is designed to make my life hell, so every time I select the
channel I want to watch, I actually end up watching one channel up
from the one I meant to click on.

Take on the mile marker

There is nothing more cruel to a long distance runner than seeing a
mile marker and realizing later it was misplaced. You run with
certain time goals and unless you have a GPS watch you depend on the
road markers to indicate if you are staying on pace. Well apparently
somebody decided that converting from the metric system wasn't exactly
crucial because today I run past a 10k/6mile sign which is like
telling a chick it's ok to wear flats with a summer dress because the
combo does not compute when it comes to somebody with half a brain

Take on the bike sharing lanes

I am all for bike sharing, bike parking spots and bike lanes but what
I don't get are these bike lanes that run thought the center of cross
town streets. They used to always put them on the right side of
streets but I have seen them increasingly drawn in the middle of the
street which seems idiotic. I get that bikers need to be protected
and I am fine finding ways to make them more usable but this is
ridiculous.
Not only is this completely inconvenient but it has to be somewhat
dangerous to have bikes run between two lanes of cars.
But what is a bigger pain is that these bike lanes make it impossible
to maneuver when there is construction

Time to start using population control

Take on the look street signs

I am not sure what is more dangerous than these stupid "look"
stenciled signed painted on the street corners!! Somebody had the
bright idea of trying to get busy NewYorkers to look up and watch for
oncoming traffic. Not only do they look idiotic but I am sure they
don't make anybody safer

See the problem is that the first time you see this, you may make the
association and look up, but walk past a thousand of them and they
become like the homeless on the subway, something you have learned to
ignore

The truth is that these signs may attract your eyeballs, but it will
probably only lead to people staring down at the street, not looking
up down the street

Take on the Times Square idiots

I don't quite get the appeal to a bunch of tourists standing on top of
the TKTS platform staring at one of those big screens in Times Square.
I guess people love to see their Ohio or Iowa faces plastered with a
big circle around it but to stand around waiting for an hour to see
yourself in the equivalent of a mirror

Then again these are the same idiots who eat at Olive Garden, pay $5
to take a picture with Cookie Monster and watch The Big Bang Theory,

Take on the plastic sunglasses

Somebody has to tell these dudes that stroll around manhattan wearing
those idiotic hipster plastic sunglasses and leather jackets that they
not only look like a complete douche, but they probably should put on
a brassiere for some additional support

I don't quite get the look for these sunglasses because everybody who
wears them looks like they are channeling Groucho Marx. Not only do
they look cheap but they make your nose look like you have a hard time
telling the truth

So put on a bra, take off your jacket and buy a pair of aviator
sunglasses...and stop annoying me


Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Target Junk Drawer

Can somebody explain the appeal to the junk drawer at Target?? I walk
in the other day and as I stroll through the pharmacy, I come across
this one section where they throw their heavily discounted items
together in the hope somebody gets nostalgic for a garage sale. There
were boxes of aspirin, hair color sets, used rubbers and tanning spray
and all of it was offered at the bottom prices.

If they really wanted to sell this dead stock, wouldn't they be better
off trying to display it somewhere with a big 75% off sign? Instead
it looks like the spot they dump all the stuff people bring to the
register and when it rings up, they tell the 300 pound cashier that
they are going to pass on it. Now instead of paying some snot-nosed
high school kid $6 to put it back on the shelves, they just leave it
in a big pile of crap, hoping somebody shoplifts it away. That way
they can at least claim it as a legitimate loss

Take on the odd Mother's Day promotion

I love my mom, I love wingers and I live tight shirts but can't think
of a time I'd like to have all those things in one place at once.
I was at Hooters last week for a...uhm work thing and came across the
mothers eat free on Mother's Day. There are probably not a lot of
places, I'd think my wife would want to be today than the stomach ache
which comes with beer, boobs and drumsticks, and can't imagine a lot
of the non-lesbian moms would either.
I'm by no means a feminist, but I'd have to think the best gift for
mother's is to close the store for the day. This is also the reason
there are no NFL games in May

Take on the cork heel

With the first few really nice days of the spring, we all get a little pep in our step.  People seem happier, more at ease and luckily better looking.  Chicks start breaking out tank-tops, summer dresses and skirts and all of a sudden everything in the world seem right again.   Then of course, you start to notice, that half of them are sporting flats which make most of them look like they are going waterskiing.   It is well established that a woman in flats may as well sport a garbage bag instead of a dress cause she looks like hell

So when a chick shows up in three inch cork heels, I am torn.   I obviously prefer the height but those cork shoes look like the high heel equivalent if the white geriatric sneaker.   They might be comfortable but you gotta realize this isn't about comfort, it's about style and 99% of those cork things look like you are walking on a wine bottle 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the in-store credit card

Is there a bigger pain in the ass than when you are stuck on a line at
some retail operation and they ask the person in front of you, if they
want to sign up for the Gap card? They always tell the sucker that
it will only take a minute but that's like saying getting stuck behind
somebody in the cash-lane on the Triborough will only cost you a
couple of seconds. The Russian chick in front of me today, took 10
minutes to get approved for a purchase of $14.
I get wanting to save 5% of your purchase but when the sale is for $14
and the saving is $0.70, you are wasting everybody's time....most
importantly mine






Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Hyatt toilet for midgets

I often complain about the low hanging shower heads in American
hotels, which seem like they are set up for a society of 5'5 dudes
instead of one where men regularly shoot over 6 feet. I have noticed
that the Hyatt chain has taken it a step further, as their toilets are
ridiculously low. It could be a style, maybe they got a deal on
one-offs from American Standard or maybe the CEO is Mickey from
Seinfeld but either way I am the one who suffers. I believe there is
some research that sitting with your knees above your waist, aids in
shitting so this could be a health decision, or maybe they just care
to appeal to a shorter clientele (Asians??). The one thing I know is
that every time I tried to get off of this midget throne, I felt like
my knees were going to collapse.

So, I will not be seeking the Hyatt out anymore until they start
installing toilets for normal sized humans

Take on the guy taking a call on a train

Is there anything more obnoxious than some dude leading a conference
call while sitting on a three hour train ride? What the fuck dude, I
am hung over and feel like somebody is poking me through the back of
my eyeballs with a rusty ice pick and you are talking about database
management and customer surveys.
I recognize that there are quiet cars but that doesn't mean that in
the "loud" cars , all your seat-mates have to be forced to listen to
this.

I sit on plenty of boring conference calls, really don't want to have
to sit through another one, especially one as dull as this one

Please God, let his battery go dead before I throw his cell phone out
of the window

Take on Charles Ramsey

There is no bigger star to the unbelievable story of the three women
and one baby kidnapped than Charles Motherfucking Ramsey. When I
first saw is story on TV last night, and saw Ramsey interviewed, I was
sure I was watching an episode of the Dave Chapelle show. This dude
is straight bananas, and if the 911 call didn't get you, his
interviews will. He's no hero, but I have to say he will be the next
Joe the Plumber, because it his hasn't brought him the kind of fame to
get him on GMA or Oprah or Ricki Lake, then there is no god
If nothing else, McDonalds should offer him a BigMac a day for life,
they'd get some good press and the way Ramsey looks, they'd be looking
at a payout of a year and a half tops, before he drops dead....and
that would be a sad day

If nothing else, somebody needs to get him onto the C.No list serve...

Take on the pedicure

When I went for a pedicure the other day, I thought I may have started
a new war, this time with South Korea as opposed to their northern
neighbors. I walk in and sat down, plopped by gigantic ass into one
of those vibrating seats and sloshed my feet into that mold infested
foot bath.
The lady walk over and starts rubbing them with some kind of salt and
immediately looks like she is going to lose her lunch. She
immediately puts on these rubber gloves, saying image chemicals are
harsh. Mind you there is no other foot technician wearing gloves and
they are all using the same chemicals Then again calling my feet
gnarly, is an understatement, and this poor woman had just signed
herself up for 45 minutes of maintenance for $22 plus tip.
She worked for a few minutes before calling for backup, this time an
even FOBier chick who's comfort of the English language seemed to not
go beyond "sucky sucky". Even this girl, who may otherwise had to
mount a 400 pound bucktoothed guy in sweats, couldn't handle them.
She apologized, claiming she needed to warm ho towels and she called
for an even FOBier one (this one may have come from North Korea for
all I know) and she dove in like a ravished dog. She massaged,
filed, cut and rubbed them and 45 minutes later, my feet felt like a
baby's ass and my ego felt like a baby's diaper

Take on the refill charge

Is there anything that comes across as gouging than places that charge
for refills of soda. The funny thing is that I shouldn't care
because I don't drink this vile grap myself, but the thought of a
chain restaurant charging you $2.25 for a cup with syrup water and
then banging you for another buck if you want to fill up again feels
unAmerican. This is a country of opportunity, opportunities to get
incredibly fat and then suck the welfare state dry because your
cholesterol is four digits, when you look down at the scale, the first
number you see is a 3 and you only see the top because your gut covers
the bottom part.
And now they want to limit your obesity or at least charge you to to
high heavens to maintain it

Next thing you know, they will charge you for a refill on your draft
beer or a refill of your BigMac

Take on Xi'an's Famous Food

A few weeks ago, I noticed an incredibly long line outside of a small
storefront in midtown. Not since the release of the last IPhone, had
I seen White people and Asians so excited about anything, as they
lined up 100 deep for latest in yuppy cool.
I tried getting on the line on Thursday around 1pm but was told that
the wait to get to the front door was 20 minutes and that the line
continued inside. There were rampant rumors of an hour total wait
time, including actually getting your food, so I decided to regroup
and come back another day

Xi'an's Famous Food has taken over the pantheon of hype, usually
reserved for the latest artisan food truck, around midtown lunch.
People stand in line for hours to try such treats as tingly beef
noodles and a lamb burger.

I returned Friday to fight again, this time showing up at 11:30, a
full hour and a half before I would ever reasonably eat lunch, and the
line was already stretched to the street. After 20 minutes, I finally
ordered and a good 15 minutes after that, walked out with a plastic
bag of what better be the best f'in Chinese food this side of
Guangzhou.
The lamb burger which came out first did not disappoint, carrying full
flavor and exception spice. in my excitement, I asked for some
cilantro to be added to my tingly beef and was told "no" by the
Chinese guy wearing a dirty shirt and cutting up noodles without
gloves on.
I finally got my noodles, sans cilantro, and headed back to my desk.
I was told to eat quickly as the noodles would get soggy, so I
immediately chowder down...on one of the most disappointing meals I
have ever had. The dish was doused in oil which gave me instant
heartburn, the noodles were flavorless and cold and the tingly beef
tasted like some dude's tingled beef.
My stomach ache started almost immediately, a run to the bathroom came
10 minutes later and I swear I think I almost puked before I made it
to the bathroom
Not since I spent 10 days in China, did I have a worst meal and the
commute was almost as long

If only they gave me some cilantro

Take on Lace

I am as big a supporter of adult entertainment as anybody, but even I get annoyed when they try to blatantly screw you while you are still wearing pants.  It is not uncommon for them to have hidden print in their promotions,although most of them are of the wink-wink variety

I get one of those Free Admission cards last week with the convoluted message

Free Admission B4 5pm

$5after 'til 8pm

First of all, I hate that teenage/Indian shorthand slang, especially when used professionally.  It's not as if you are paying per letter for these cards, do us all a favor and act professionally and type out 'before'

Secondly, what the hell does "$5after 'til 8pm" mean?    Is this some kind if riddle, designed to confuse a horny businessman, because, as far as I know, that is not a complete sentence. 

Nothing irks me more than a company not having the sense to proofread their handouts   Actually that is not true, nothing irks me more than feeling like I got screwed by a strip club 

Lace is giving the entire industry a bad name 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Leinenkugel

When I hit the supermarket the other day in search of a six of beer, I
got conned by a fancy label and an unpronounceable name. I paid $8.99
for something called Leinenkugel and to say it tasted like my scrotum
is insulting to my nuts.
It seemed up my alley with the whole wheat theme and I sort of liked
the Indian/Mexican lady on the logo plus the color scheme felt
summery. Then I cracked one open and tasted what I can only describe
as bottled fart. I have has a lot of bad beer and I have had a lot
of bad beer, but nothing was quite as awful as this rickenbocker crap.
The "with natural flavors" must refer to flatulence which, I guess
is natural. The irony of course is that with any of these hoppy
beers, the one think you are guaranteed is more flatulence

Give me a 20 year old bottle of warm Rheingold any day of the week.

take on Amanda Bynes

When I saw a picture of some broad named Amanda Bynes in a bikini, I thought that this must be one of those before picture of the Biggest Loser.    I don't know why this girl is famous, or why I should care, but according to the DailyNews article she has legions of fans.  

The picture, which she tweeted to those legions, had a comment from Big Bad Bynes that she was down 4 pounds to 121 pounds and that she was getting closer to her goal of 100 pounds.   I'm no expert on weight but to me that picture of a chick in lingerie looks a lot more like one pushing 151 pounds, not 121.

Even if the 121 is to be believed, there has been a lot of kickback from the media and health nutritionist who say that somebody 5'8" should weight between 125 and 145 pounds but I don't think anybody who sees that picture of blubber and boobs will agree that she can easily look to stand 5, 6 or maybe 20 pounds

Take on the tactics of Big Labor

When I saw one of those big rats in front of Applebee's on 42nd
street, I was relieved. Not because Applebee's is basically dog food,
but because it might mean slightly fewer idiot tourists keeping me
from my commute home. What I don't quite get is the handouts the guys
on strike were handing our. They not only included a bunch of claims
of poor working conditions and benefits but threw in a "this place has
cockroaches too" at the end

I get the art of a hard negotiation, but when you work for an
establishment which serves food, does if really make sense to try to
sink the operation you are negotiating with? Yeah, you might get
concessions but what good is it, if you go back to work at an empty
restaurant?

Although, I guess since this place depends on walk-in tourists, it may
not have the same effect as a place frequented by regulars

Take on Enterprise Rent a Car

I sometimes wonder if the guy who is recruiting for Enterprise Rent A
Car, is the same guy who was recruiting for the Branch Davidians.
You walk into am Enterprise and it feels like you are being met by a
mental patent. These guys all have this terrible buzz cut, wear suits
that are twice their size and have a smile on their faxes like they
are completely cooked on bath salts. They come up to you like they
are hawking bibles and all have the crazy in their eyes
I remember reading that Enterprise is one of the largest employers of
newly graduated college kids and that they look specially for C
students ,who I assume they can most easily convince to put on low top
Nikes

Take on leather gloves

Is there a worse look for a heterosexual dude than leather gloves.
Actually that goes for a homosexual guy too. I don't get gloves to
start off with, especially not in April but when you wear them while
rising the bus, I really scratch my head. Leather gloves work for a
guy compensating for a small winky with his Porsche but on public
transportation, you come across as a kid toucher.

Take on Geno

I sat on pins and needles for two days with all my buddies taunting me
that the Jets would draft Geno. I was shaking in my black high tops
with the thought of the Jets making yet another personnel decision
based on grabbing the back page in April and becoming the laughing
stock of the city again. I can't say I know much about the Italian
Stallion having never seen him play at West Virginia but I am
intrigued by his numbers. Not since the big guido, Vinny T blew
out his Achilles have the Jets felt so hopeless and the now sit with
a roster that has more QB's than wins last year.

There is Mark, who crumbled like a cheap taco when the pressure came
on, there is Tim who prayed so hard, God got fed up. There is David
who was over the hill when he was a rookie, there is Greg who makes
Chad look like Jeff George plus there is Phil's kid who I can only
assume they drafted hoping to confuse those meatheads on the other
side of the stadium. But today is all about appeasing a disenchanted
fan base and bringing some Jersey back to the NY Jets. Idzik and
Woody know that in order to get these idiot fans to drop a few grand
on a PSL's, he needs to give them a product they can embrace and what
better than ordering up some spaghetti and gravy for a hungry fan base.

Not since Vinny was taking them to within a half of a Super Bowl have the Jets felt like they partially owned the town, don't think that this is lost on Woody

They saw how the Jeremy Lin energized the garden and broight in am entirely mew set of fans and the Jet brass thought they'd catch some grease lightning themselves by giving
something for guys like Vito and Tony to call their own cause this
town will be painted red white and green when Geno brings them a
championship

Boy are they in for one big surprise

take on the airport furloughs

This week, I flew out to Atlanta and back on a single day, and I was hit hard by the sequester.   I travel more than most but even I was suprised by the lengths of some of the delays I've had recently.    Was kept on the runway for nearly 3 hours coming back from Detroit two weeks ago, was stuck for nearly 2 hours at the gate this week and then spent another hour and twenty minutes circling LaGuardia when we finally did take off and were hoping to land.

this is misery which comes along with Business Travel.. You leave your house before the sun is up and come home after it has set and spend the waking hours either fighting the lines at security or waiting for an airplane to leave so you don't miss your connection.

was glad, on a personal level, to see that congress had put a bill in front of Obama which will bring the furloughed workers back to work but you know that this has more to do with these guys wanting to get back to their own home-states than it ever does about inconveniencing me... the one guy who isn't sucking off the governments gigantic liberal teet

take on the Miss Korean Contestant Plastic Surgery

When I saw an article commenting how plastic surgery had made all the Miss Korean contestants look alike I had three thoughts

- that has to be the hottest collection of the same looking chick

- I have a handful of buddies who had trouble before but now will have absolutely no chance telling these girls apart, one of whom is Asian mind you.

- I wonder if they all look identical down there too.

it's been wildly reported that the most common form of plastic surgery in South Korea is..uhm tightening of the lower regions, basically trying to convince unsuspecting newlywed husbands that their new brides are unblemished.    

There are a few things we know.. one, Korean girls are easy, two Korean girls care about appearance and three Korean girl like Latino and black dudes but will eventually end of with a golf playing, Lexus driving, had haircut having, kimchee eating dude who is about 5'8", has more muscle mass than his Asian brethren but when topless still looks like he's wearing a uniform made of whale blubber.

The point is, you can't blame the Korean chick from wanting her nether regions to feel like the legroom of a Hyundai for her new husband on their wedding night, not the trunk of the new Kia KH Sedan .

so I commend these chicks for getting hotter and tighter.  Lucky for them, their names are all pretty similar, so when I screw that up they may not even notice, just assuming I'm another dumb white boy.

Take on the park weirdo

I'm not anti weirdo per se. I don't mind them as the bassist in my
rock band, tolerated them on Cathy No's email lists and don't go nuts
when I see them walking the streets. What I don't quite accept is
when they are hanging out with 1970's NBA shorts, black knee high
socks and a "I wanna bang" shirt. I know my buddy Zed will say that
they gotta keep the police state to a limit but even he must agree
that there is a place for the authorities to keep a creep from hanging
out hanging out with his winky hanging out staring at my 3 year old

This is the kind of time, I want more police presence at the parks, not less

Take in the grease trucks

You can't get a Snickers bar in NYC without passing one of those
grades posted in the front window. I usually refuse to eat in
anything below an A, knowing that even some of those dirty Chinese and
taco places get A's somehow. I have to figure that you get a B, if
the inspector literally steps in a pike of rat-shit or catches they
busboy giving the head waiter a hummer and then seeing the waiter spew
inside the mashed potatoes

But what is a bit odd, is that those street carts don't have to obey
by the same grading system. How the hell are those roving roach
motels getting away without being under the eye of those food
inspectors when there are tons of restauranteurs sweating out their
results daily

Take on Revis

Still trying to digest it, even if it was written an the walks for months.   

Losing the best player on your team, even a prima donna, is tough.   It's like losing Eli but not having JPP, Nicks, Cruz and a trophy case that is sinking under the weight of Vince Lombardi 

The team was awful last year and won't be any better this year.  They have a dearth of talent on offense, a disenfranchised fan-base, a 'franchise' QB with fourth round talent and four grade mental toughness,  a lame duck coach who lost his infectious personality with that lapband surgery, an overachieving but still mostly unlikeable defense, a rookie GM and an owner who cares more about TMZ than W&L. 

But it's probably the right thing because with or without Revis, this would have been a down year and you just know he would have held out next year.  So this year will play itself out like every other year..  Skinny Rex will get fired and you''ll be rooting for a team on their 8th coach in the last 20 years but you will still wear Jets green everyday mainly because that is all you have in my closet for casual gear.  In a few years when they make a decent run and you will get excited about it but your friends who root for the cross town team who will be coming off their 6th super-bowl appearance and fifth title of their lifetime will tell you that you aren't a real enough fan.  They'll shit all over your happiness because you only started to like them 25 years ago and apparently aren't vested enough. 

It'll feel good to root for a winner again and the town will be abuzz and for that short while and you will realize why you put up with the misery.  But of course with any success comes bravado and the rest of this town will jump on-board.   You'll feel self conscious because every Joe, Dick and Vinny will be wearing their brand new Jets jersey (probably a new logo too, to make sure everybody knows that these are the new  New York Jets.). Revis will be playing in his 10th pro-bowl, and somehow Geno Smith became the next Geno Torretta not the next John Elway.  Greg Schiano will be considered a defensive genius and Rex will be on his fourth year on Sunday Night Football with Al Michaels who had to come clean on yet another DWI that year.  

And then it will all come crashing down again when they will draft an undersized defensive lineman from Montana or Idaho or Fresno State who had a great Senior Bowl but showed huge mental lapses throughout his senior season and is know to be a poor practice player.    The pundits will tell you was only because he played in the Big Sky conference or whatever but that he plays up to his level of competition and they expect him to really step up practicing against this level of talent everyday.   Hey he ran a 4.6 forty at the combine and he looks like a mean bastard.  Problem is that, he will show up thirty pounds overweight to the off season workouts, which might be his way of dealing with the 'undersized' criticism but you know it's from too many BigMacs.  And all of a sudden all the  character issues which dogged him at the draft will come roaring back when he gets pulled over and his cousin riding shotgun gets busted with a pound of weed. 

But they will start the season 4-1 and head into a big showdown at Foxboro and may even pull it off which gets your juices going again. 

You never did buy the new jersey but still wear the same Jets pajamas, rooting like crazy even if you know it's never going to last.  Then when nobody is watching, you'll take out your white Revis jersey and put it on and just dream about what could have been

Yeah it's super easy.  

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the wall ad

As a salesman, I understand the need to draw attention to your product
but when I caught an ad on the side of a building down near Union
Square, I was more than a bit confused. The ad, for rental
properties, looked like it may as well have been an ad for some
Russian figure skating event.

Then again when you have to add "charming and renovated " to your
advertisements to cover "small and charmless", you better bring out
the stops and nothing helps a guy forget he's shelling out $2500 for a
300 foot studio than a set of Russian legs, even if it looks like
she's mogul skiing.
I assume Adina guarantees you a BJ and a great apartment, for 10% of a
years rent

Take on a social media event

While the world watched what can beat described by a live version of
24 culminating in the FBI and local police departments apprehendingthe
second suspect of the Boston Marathon, it became pretty obvious the
way we follow breaking news had changed. People were listening to
the live police wire from a link online, Reddit had become the new
Sherlock Holmes and Twitter was exploding with new details.

A buddy later emailed me, knocking CNN and the other traditional
outlets for being a half hour behind on everything and saying they had
become largely irrelevant because of social media. Although I do
agree with this, in part, this breaking news forum using Internet
anarchy, may break a lot of news but carries almost none of the
responsibility of CNN, the BBC and the print (although you may not
know that from the actions of the media earlier this week)
I have read more wild speculation, presented as fact, on sights like
Reddit, Footballguys and twitter than I care to count. Yeah, it is
the place I turned when I wanted up to date information but I also
'learned' that there were bombs all over beantown, there were direct
ties to Chechnyan rebels who were running the entire operation
virtually, the 19 year old was spotted in NYC, Obama was sending
troops to Chechnya and a ton of others

Obviously the traditional news-sites left a lot to be desired this
week as well but they have been taken to task for it. The random
@bostonlurker or @joey.baga won't suffer the same fate

Take on the European Bath

You have to live those wacky Europeans, first they pride themselves on
bathing as little as possible but when they do, they plaster or all
over the toy store aisles

My kid got a box of toys the other day and as I'm looking at the
instructions, I notice that the box has this smoking hot chick sitting
in the bath with her kid. Now there is nothing wrong with this but
it's definitely not the kind of thing you would see on American
packaging.

Not only does she scream "sex-bomb", in an otherwise completely
non-sexual situation but if you look closely enough, I think you can
catch a little nip


Anyway, I decided to let my kid keep the toys as long as I get to keep the box

Take in the recyclers

When I see these crazy Chinese people digging through garbage to
salvage a couple of soda-cans, I'm always a bit confused by the
business model. These guys are walking down the street with shopping
carts, going from building to building and essentially assorting
through the returnable ones cans from the ones you get your beans in.
I've been thinking that they could really capitalize cause this entire
system seems inefficient. These guys need a better business model.
First they have to get away from this independent contract mentality
and combine forces, they have to utilize their skills collectively to
maximize profits.

If they hired me to help them run their business, I'd say that they
should be thinking bigger and ditching the shopping carts. If they
rented a UHaul and drove around manhattan collecting complete bags,
they woukd cover so much more ground. They could have a driver and two
guys whose job it was to sort through the bags in the back of thr
Uhaul. They collect the soda cans and drop the non redeemable ones at
the the next stop while collecting another unsorted haul. , I would
guess we could easily make twice what these guys make now if they just
have an action plan, and who knows we could eventually start
franchises, a pyramid scheme of undocumented workers all working in
unison to collect and sort aluminum
These guys need to pool their resources and build a business on
efficiency and scale

Then again, these guys dig through garbage for a living, not sure if
we can get all that sophisticated