Take on the teenager mob

When did teenagers all start to dress like The Fresh Prince? I walk
through the hellhole that is Port Authority this week and encounter
what should have been a somewhat intimidating scene. About 8 or 9
rowdy teenagers, all yelling and cussin and causing typical mayhem,
were standing around and basically blocking foot traffic. But as
opposed to it coming across as even remotely threatening, it came
across as a broadway show because these dipshits were decked out in
purple shorts, like green hats and bright yellow tank-tops. It is as
if I got off the bus, and somehow ended up at Six Flags
It is not that teenagers, in general, are all that intimidating, but
any pack of people sort of confronts you, even if they aren't doing
anything. It is the perception that they could at some point could
jump you, these guys looked more likely to break out into Office
Krupke

Take on Strawberry

When I walked into Starbucks the other day, I realized it was time to
move. Not only were they blasting some awful Yaz song and there was
a huge line which meant I had to listen to the entire thing but The
guy in front of me, some 20 something Dustin Diamond looking dweeb
ordered what may have been the longest single drink order I have ever
heard.

Dustin. Can I get a tall triple mocha, skim milk no water, double
espresso latte with low fat whip-cream and a swirl

Barista: sure, will that be it?

Righetti (under my breath) "not sure why you'd get skim milk and low
day whip-cream if you are adding three servings of mocha"

Barista: (wink) "be with you in a second, sir"

Dustin: "no, that's it, thank you"

Barista: that will be $6, what is your name?

Dustin: "Strawberry"

Barista: (giggles), "strawberry?"

Righetti: (rolls eyes)

Dustin: "yep, Strawberry"

Barista " ok Strawberry, latte at the end of the counter"

Righetti "large black coffee, please"

Barista "I need a new job"

Righetti "I need a new Starbucks"




By the way, I don't think he was gay

Take on Kids Musical Yoga

When my kid brought home a Kids Musical Yoga DVD the other day, I thought it would be a nice way for her to unwind from a full day while I prepared dinner for her and her sister.  I pop in the video and just listen to the songs from the kitchens.  They all seem innocent enough with some mermaid named Andreanna and her musical partner named Talon singing about sea animals and asking to mimic them in various yoga poses.   The weird thing was when I actually say down to catch the last few minutes.  

Maybe it's just dated but the entire thing feels like it was filmed in San Fernando Valley.  It wasn't just the production value but even the mermaid chick and her long haired musical comrade looked like they just rolled over from another kind of shoot and didn't bother to even wipe up.   They both have that hung-over glassy, 'I am not sure if I am supposed to sing or sit on his face' look, her with the ridiculous eye-makeup and teased out hair and him with that sleazy 'I got a' 9 inch dong' attitude.   You half expect him to pick her up and bend her over the enchanted sea throne to find her magic mermaid pearl 

Overall, I am fine with pornography, but I am not sure I need my three year old watching Lucy Luscious roll her eyes back and watching Richard Pounder standing that close to my kid

if you want to be freaked out yourself, go to http://www.kidsmusicalyoga.com/media/kidsmusicalyoga_demo.wmv

Take on China's One Boy Policy

I have always consider myself pro choice, believing that a woman has the right to make decisions on her body but my defense both outwards, and the one I internalize, takes a major hit every time I think about China.   See, in China with their strong 1 child per couple rules and a strong desire from that culture to have boys, there are million of fetuses aborted for the sheer fact that they come up as XX as opposed to XY.   This (un)natural selection has gotten so bad, that there are now 118 boys born for every 100 girls and having been there a dozen times, it is not getting any better.    Not only are there major societal problems that will lead directly from this disparity (younger and younger girls needing to wed older men, less child bearing women in total) but it is completely awful, in my mind, to make a choice based on it's gender.  

This Asian mentality of female inferiority is maddening and flat out disgusting.  I can only hope these sex craved young men will realize that they also have a choice in this matter..a choice to not out pressure on their wives to bear a boy 

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Take on the front in parallel parker

There are not many skills, I believe all humans should posses but i am
convinced people who do not have them are suffering from some of them
may as well have a functioning disability. Forget autism, adult ADD,
manic depression or schizophrenia, i am taking about something that is
even more disabling and probably a larger drain on society.

These basic skills include being able to properly communicate, keep
clean and maybe most importantly, parallel park. I do not understand
how a seemingly adjusted adult can live another wise normal life and
not be able to park a car. This is not a complicated task, it
involves looking over your shoulder and turning a steering wheel. I
cannot imagine living in the 21st century and feeling like three
quarters of the parking spots aren't available to me because they
involve some basic geometry. It is such a basic skill that I have to
assume that anybody who cannot master it, is probably incapable of
many things other functional adults do with ease.

So I propose taking away driver's licenses of anybody observed of not
being able to parallel park at minimum and institutionalizing after
the second offense

Take on the mirror

For all the complaining I so, it would be about time for me to call out my own flaws.   I remember taking my senior photo and realizing that I am completely two faced.  I'm not talking about a propensity to stab people in the back, that is an all together other asset, but the fact that my face is completely asymmetrical.  It's the reason I so often stare at myself in the mirror and wonder what is wrong

My cheekbones on one side of my face are a full inch higher than the ones on the other.  My one eye looks like it's being pulled  down by a small weight and my mouth looks like The Joker meets Stallone, add to that the dark circles, the half grown in beard and the gap between my teeth and I look like a total pervert

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the FIOS cable guide

For months I have realized that I can't stand the FIOS cable-guide,
but was never able to put my finger on why. Last night, I realized
why I had such hatred. For some reason when FIOS designed their
cable guide, showing seven channels at a time, they did not put the
highlighted one on the middle. So there are two channels above and
four channels below which seems completely ass backwards because your
eye naturally gravitates towards the middle of the screen. With seven
channels showing, it would make sense to have three channels above and
three channels below because, well that would be logical. Then again
FIOS is designed to make my life hell, so every time I select the
channel I want to watch, I actually end up watching one channel up
from the one I meant to click on.

Take on the mile marker

There is nothing more cruel to a long distance runner than seeing a
mile marker and realizing later it was misplaced. You run with
certain time goals and unless you have a GPS watch you depend on the
road markers to indicate if you are staying on pace. Well apparently
somebody decided that converting from the metric system wasn't exactly
crucial because today I run past a 10k/6mile sign which is like
telling a chick it's ok to wear flats with a summer dress because the
combo does not compute when it comes to somebody with half a brain

Take on the bike sharing lanes

I am all for bike sharing, bike parking spots and bike lanes but what
I don't get are these bike lanes that run thought the center of cross
town streets. They used to always put them on the right side of
streets but I have seen them increasingly drawn in the middle of the
street which seems idiotic. I get that bikers need to be protected
and I am fine finding ways to make them more usable but this is
ridiculous.
Not only is this completely inconvenient but it has to be somewhat
dangerous to have bikes run between two lanes of cars.
But what is a bigger pain is that these bike lanes make it impossible
to maneuver when there is construction

Time to start using population control

Take on the look street signs

I am not sure what is more dangerous than these stupid "look"
stenciled signed painted on the street corners!! Somebody had the
bright idea of trying to get busy NewYorkers to look up and watch for
oncoming traffic. Not only do they look idiotic but I am sure they
don't make anybody safer

See the problem is that the first time you see this, you may make the
association and look up, but walk past a thousand of them and they
become like the homeless on the subway, something you have learned to
ignore

The truth is that these signs may attract your eyeballs, but it will
probably only lead to people staring down at the street, not looking
up down the street

Take on the Times Square idiots

I don't quite get the appeal to a bunch of tourists standing on top of
the TKTS platform staring at one of those big screens in Times Square.
I guess people love to see their Ohio or Iowa faces plastered with a
big circle around it but to stand around waiting for an hour to see
yourself in the equivalent of a mirror

Then again these are the same idiots who eat at Olive Garden, pay $5
to take a picture with Cookie Monster and watch The Big Bang Theory,

Take on the plastic sunglasses

Somebody has to tell these dudes that stroll around manhattan wearing
those idiotic hipster plastic sunglasses and leather jackets that they
not only look like a complete douche, but they probably should put on
a brassiere for some additional support

I don't quite get the look for these sunglasses because everybody who
wears them looks like they are channeling Groucho Marx. Not only do
they look cheap but they make your nose look like you have a hard time
telling the truth

So put on a bra, take off your jacket and buy a pair of aviator
sunglasses...and stop annoying me


Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Target Junk Drawer

Can somebody explain the appeal to the junk drawer at Target?? I walk
in the other day and as I stroll through the pharmacy, I come across
this one section where they throw their heavily discounted items
together in the hope somebody gets nostalgic for a garage sale. There
were boxes of aspirin, hair color sets, used rubbers and tanning spray
and all of it was offered at the bottom prices.

If they really wanted to sell this dead stock, wouldn't they be better
off trying to display it somewhere with a big 75% off sign? Instead
it looks like the spot they dump all the stuff people bring to the
register and when it rings up, they tell the 300 pound cashier that
they are going to pass on it. Now instead of paying some snot-nosed
high school kid $6 to put it back on the shelves, they just leave it
in a big pile of crap, hoping somebody shoplifts it away. That way
they can at least claim it as a legitimate loss

Take on the odd Mother's Day promotion

I love my mom, I love wingers and I live tight shirts but can't think
of a time I'd like to have all those things in one place at once.
I was at Hooters last week for a...uhm work thing and came across the
mothers eat free on Mother's Day. There are probably not a lot of
places, I'd think my wife would want to be today than the stomach ache
which comes with beer, boobs and drumsticks, and can't imagine a lot
of the non-lesbian moms would either.
I'm by no means a feminist, but I'd have to think the best gift for
mother's is to close the store for the day. This is also the reason
there are no NFL games in May

Take on the cork heel

With the first few really nice days of the spring, we all get a little pep in our step.  People seem happier, more at ease and luckily better looking.  Chicks start breaking out tank-tops, summer dresses and skirts and all of a sudden everything in the world seem right again.   Then of course, you start to notice, that half of them are sporting flats which make most of them look like they are going waterskiing.   It is well established that a woman in flats may as well sport a garbage bag instead of a dress cause she looks like hell

So when a chick shows up in three inch cork heels, I am torn.   I obviously prefer the height but those cork shoes look like the high heel equivalent if the white geriatric sneaker.   They might be comfortable but you gotta realize this isn't about comfort, it's about style and 99% of those cork things look like you are walking on a wine bottle 

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Take on the in-store credit card

Is there a bigger pain in the ass than when you are stuck on a line at
some retail operation and they ask the person in front of you, if they
want to sign up for the Gap card? They always tell the sucker that
it will only take a minute but that's like saying getting stuck behind
somebody in the cash-lane on the Triborough will only cost you a
couple of seconds. The Russian chick in front of me today, took 10
minutes to get approved for a purchase of $14.
I get wanting to save 5% of your purchase but when the sale is for $14
and the saving is $0.70, you are wasting everybody's time....most
importantly mine






Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Hyatt toilet for midgets

I often complain about the low hanging shower heads in American
hotels, which seem like they are set up for a society of 5'5 dudes
instead of one where men regularly shoot over 6 feet. I have noticed
that the Hyatt chain has taken it a step further, as their toilets are
ridiculously low. It could be a style, maybe they got a deal on
one-offs from American Standard or maybe the CEO is Mickey from
Seinfeld but either way I am the one who suffers. I believe there is
some research that sitting with your knees above your waist, aids in
shitting so this could be a health decision, or maybe they just care
to appeal to a shorter clientele (Asians??). The one thing I know is
that every time I tried to get off of this midget throne, I felt like
my knees were going to collapse.

So, I will not be seeking the Hyatt out anymore until they start
installing toilets for normal sized humans

Take on the guy taking a call on a train

Is there anything more obnoxious than some dude leading a conference
call while sitting on a three hour train ride? What the fuck dude, I
am hung over and feel like somebody is poking me through the back of
my eyeballs with a rusty ice pick and you are talking about database
management and customer surveys.
I recognize that there are quiet cars but that doesn't mean that in
the "loud" cars , all your seat-mates have to be forced to listen to
this.

I sit on plenty of boring conference calls, really don't want to have
to sit through another one, especially one as dull as this one

Please God, let his battery go dead before I throw his cell phone out
of the window

Take on Charles Ramsey

There is no bigger star to the unbelievable story of the three women
and one baby kidnapped than Charles Motherfucking Ramsey. When I
first saw is story on TV last night, and saw Ramsey interviewed, I was
sure I was watching an episode of the Dave Chapelle show. This dude
is straight bananas, and if the 911 call didn't get you, his
interviews will. He's no hero, but I have to say he will be the next
Joe the Plumber, because it his hasn't brought him the kind of fame to
get him on GMA or Oprah or Ricki Lake, then there is no god
If nothing else, McDonalds should offer him a BigMac a day for life,
they'd get some good press and the way Ramsey looks, they'd be looking
at a payout of a year and a half tops, before he drops dead....and
that would be a sad day

If nothing else, somebody needs to get him onto the C.No list serve...

Take on the pedicure

When I went for a pedicure the other day, I thought I may have started
a new war, this time with South Korea as opposed to their northern
neighbors. I walk in and sat down, plopped by gigantic ass into one
of those vibrating seats and sloshed my feet into that mold infested
foot bath.
The lady walk over and starts rubbing them with some kind of salt and
immediately looks like she is going to lose her lunch. She
immediately puts on these rubber gloves, saying image chemicals are
harsh. Mind you there is no other foot technician wearing gloves and
they are all using the same chemicals Then again calling my feet
gnarly, is an understatement, and this poor woman had just signed
herself up for 45 minutes of maintenance for $22 plus tip.
She worked for a few minutes before calling for backup, this time an
even FOBier chick who's comfort of the English language seemed to not
go beyond "sucky sucky". Even this girl, who may otherwise had to
mount a 400 pound bucktoothed guy in sweats, couldn't handle them.
She apologized, claiming she needed to warm ho towels and she called
for an even FOBier one (this one may have come from North Korea for
all I know) and she dove in like a ravished dog. She massaged,
filed, cut and rubbed them and 45 minutes later, my feet felt like a
baby's ass and my ego felt like a baby's diaper

Take on the refill charge

Is there anything that comes across as gouging than places that charge
for refills of soda. The funny thing is that I shouldn't care
because I don't drink this vile grap myself, but the thought of a
chain restaurant charging you $2.25 for a cup with syrup water and
then banging you for another buck if you want to fill up again feels
unAmerican. This is a country of opportunity, opportunities to get
incredibly fat and then suck the welfare state dry because your
cholesterol is four digits, when you look down at the scale, the first
number you see is a 3 and you only see the top because your gut covers
the bottom part.
And now they want to limit your obesity or at least charge you to to
high heavens to maintain it

Next thing you know, they will charge you for a refill on your draft
beer or a refill of your BigMac

Take on Xi'an's Famous Food

A few weeks ago, I noticed an incredibly long line outside of a small
storefront in midtown. Not since the release of the last IPhone, had
I seen White people and Asians so excited about anything, as they
lined up 100 deep for latest in yuppy cool.
I tried getting on the line on Thursday around 1pm but was told that
the wait to get to the front door was 20 minutes and that the line
continued inside. There were rampant rumors of an hour total wait
time, including actually getting your food, so I decided to regroup
and come back another day

Xi'an's Famous Food has taken over the pantheon of hype, usually
reserved for the latest artisan food truck, around midtown lunch.
People stand in line for hours to try such treats as tingly beef
noodles and a lamb burger.

I returned Friday to fight again, this time showing up at 11:30, a
full hour and a half before I would ever reasonably eat lunch, and the
line was already stretched to the street. After 20 minutes, I finally
ordered and a good 15 minutes after that, walked out with a plastic
bag of what better be the best f'in Chinese food this side of
Guangzhou.
The lamb burger which came out first did not disappoint, carrying full
flavor and exception spice. in my excitement, I asked for some
cilantro to be added to my tingly beef and was told "no" by the
Chinese guy wearing a dirty shirt and cutting up noodles without
gloves on.
I finally got my noodles, sans cilantro, and headed back to my desk.
I was told to eat quickly as the noodles would get soggy, so I
immediately chowder down...on one of the most disappointing meals I
have ever had. The dish was doused in oil which gave me instant
heartburn, the noodles were flavorless and cold and the tingly beef
tasted like some dude's tingled beef.
My stomach ache started almost immediately, a run to the bathroom came
10 minutes later and I swear I think I almost puked before I made it
to the bathroom
Not since I spent 10 days in China, did I have a worst meal and the
commute was almost as long

If only they gave me some cilantro

Take on Lace

I am as big a supporter of adult entertainment as anybody, but even I get annoyed when they try to blatantly screw you while you are still wearing pants.  It is not uncommon for them to have hidden print in their promotions,although most of them are of the wink-wink variety

I get one of those Free Admission cards last week with the convoluted message

Free Admission B4 5pm

$5after 'til 8pm

First of all, I hate that teenage/Indian shorthand slang, especially when used professionally.  It's not as if you are paying per letter for these cards, do us all a favor and act professionally and type out 'before'

Secondly, what the hell does "$5after 'til 8pm" mean?    Is this some kind if riddle, designed to confuse a horny businessman, because, as far as I know, that is not a complete sentence. 

Nothing irks me more than a company not having the sense to proofread their handouts   Actually that is not true, nothing irks me more than feeling like I got screwed by a strip club 

Lace is giving the entire industry a bad name 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Leinenkugel

When I hit the supermarket the other day in search of a six of beer, I
got conned by a fancy label and an unpronounceable name. I paid $8.99
for something called Leinenkugel and to say it tasted like my scrotum
is insulting to my nuts.
It seemed up my alley with the whole wheat theme and I sort of liked
the Indian/Mexican lady on the logo plus the color scheme felt
summery. Then I cracked one open and tasted what I can only describe
as bottled fart. I have has a lot of bad beer and I have had a lot
of bad beer, but nothing was quite as awful as this rickenbocker crap.
The "with natural flavors" must refer to flatulence which, I guess
is natural. The irony of course is that with any of these hoppy
beers, the one think you are guaranteed is more flatulence

Give me a 20 year old bottle of warm Rheingold any day of the week.

take on Amanda Bynes

When I saw a picture of some broad named Amanda Bynes in a bikini, I thought that this must be one of those before picture of the Biggest Loser.    I don't know why this girl is famous, or why I should care, but according to the DailyNews article she has legions of fans.  

The picture, which she tweeted to those legions, had a comment from Big Bad Bynes that she was down 4 pounds to 121 pounds and that she was getting closer to her goal of 100 pounds.   I'm no expert on weight but to me that picture of a chick in lingerie looks a lot more like one pushing 151 pounds, not 121.

Even if the 121 is to be believed, there has been a lot of kickback from the media and health nutritionist who say that somebody 5'8" should weight between 125 and 145 pounds but I don't think anybody who sees that picture of blubber and boobs will agree that she can easily look to stand 5, 6 or maybe 20 pounds

Take on the tactics of Big Labor

When I saw one of those big rats in front of Applebee's on 42nd
street, I was relieved. Not because Applebee's is basically dog food,
but because it might mean slightly fewer idiot tourists keeping me
from my commute home. What I don't quite get is the handouts the guys
on strike were handing our. They not only included a bunch of claims
of poor working conditions and benefits but threw in a "this place has
cockroaches too" at the end

I get the art of a hard negotiation, but when you work for an
establishment which serves food, does if really make sense to try to
sink the operation you are negotiating with? Yeah, you might get
concessions but what good is it, if you go back to work at an empty
restaurant?

Although, I guess since this place depends on walk-in tourists, it may
not have the same effect as a place frequented by regulars

Take on Enterprise Rent a Car

I sometimes wonder if the guy who is recruiting for Enterprise Rent A
Car, is the same guy who was recruiting for the Branch Davidians.
You walk into am Enterprise and it feels like you are being met by a
mental patent. These guys all have this terrible buzz cut, wear suits
that are twice their size and have a smile on their faxes like they
are completely cooked on bath salts. They come up to you like they
are hawking bibles and all have the crazy in their eyes
I remember reading that Enterprise is one of the largest employers of
newly graduated college kids and that they look specially for C
students ,who I assume they can most easily convince to put on low top
Nikes

Take on leather gloves

Is there a worse look for a heterosexual dude than leather gloves.
Actually that goes for a homosexual guy too. I don't get gloves to
start off with, especially not in April but when you wear them while
rising the bus, I really scratch my head. Leather gloves work for a
guy compensating for a small winky with his Porsche but on public
transportation, you come across as a kid toucher.

Take on Geno

I sat on pins and needles for two days with all my buddies taunting me
that the Jets would draft Geno. I was shaking in my black high tops
with the thought of the Jets making yet another personnel decision
based on grabbing the back page in April and becoming the laughing
stock of the city again. I can't say I know much about the Italian
Stallion having never seen him play at West Virginia but I am
intrigued by his numbers. Not since the big guido, Vinny T blew
out his Achilles have the Jets felt so hopeless and the now sit with
a roster that has more QB's than wins last year.

There is Mark, who crumbled like a cheap taco when the pressure came
on, there is Tim who prayed so hard, God got fed up. There is David
who was over the hill when he was a rookie, there is Greg who makes
Chad look like Jeff George plus there is Phil's kid who I can only
assume they drafted hoping to confuse those meatheads on the other
side of the stadium. But today is all about appeasing a disenchanted
fan base and bringing some Jersey back to the NY Jets. Idzik and
Woody know that in order to get these idiot fans to drop a few grand
on a PSL's, he needs to give them a product they can embrace and what
better than ordering up some spaghetti and gravy for a hungry fan base.

Not since Vinny was taking them to within a half of a Super Bowl have the Jets felt like they partially owned the town, don't think that this is lost on Woody

They saw how the Jeremy Lin energized the garden and broight in am entirely mew set of fans and the Jet brass thought they'd catch some grease lightning themselves by giving
something for guys like Vito and Tony to call their own cause this
town will be painted red white and green when Geno brings them a
championship

Boy are they in for one big surprise

take on the airport furloughs

This week, I flew out to Atlanta and back on a single day, and I was hit hard by the sequester.   I travel more than most but even I was suprised by the lengths of some of the delays I've had recently.    Was kept on the runway for nearly 3 hours coming back from Detroit two weeks ago, was stuck for nearly 2 hours at the gate this week and then spent another hour and twenty minutes circling LaGuardia when we finally did take off and were hoping to land.

this is misery which comes along with Business Travel.. You leave your house before the sun is up and come home after it has set and spend the waking hours either fighting the lines at security or waiting for an airplane to leave so you don't miss your connection.

was glad, on a personal level, to see that congress had put a bill in front of Obama which will bring the furloughed workers back to work but you know that this has more to do with these guys wanting to get back to their own home-states than it ever does about inconveniencing me... the one guy who isn't sucking off the governments gigantic liberal teet

take on the Miss Korean Contestant Plastic Surgery

When I saw an article commenting how plastic surgery had made all the Miss Korean contestants look alike I had three thoughts

- that has to be the hottest collection of the same looking chick

- I have a handful of buddies who had trouble before but now will have absolutely no chance telling these girls apart, one of whom is Asian mind you.

- I wonder if they all look identical down there too.

it's been wildly reported that the most common form of plastic surgery in South Korea is..uhm tightening of the lower regions, basically trying to convince unsuspecting newlywed husbands that their new brides are unblemished.    

There are a few things we know.. one, Korean girls are easy, two Korean girls care about appearance and three Korean girl like Latino and black dudes but will eventually end of with a golf playing, Lexus driving, had haircut having, kimchee eating dude who is about 5'8", has more muscle mass than his Asian brethren but when topless still looks like he's wearing a uniform made of whale blubber.

The point is, you can't blame the Korean chick from wanting her nether regions to feel like the legroom of a Hyundai for her new husband on their wedding night, not the trunk of the new Kia KH Sedan .

so I commend these chicks for getting hotter and tighter.  Lucky for them, their names are all pretty similar, so when I screw that up they may not even notice, just assuming I'm another dumb white boy.

Take on the park weirdo

I'm not anti weirdo per se. I don't mind them as the bassist in my
rock band, tolerated them on Cathy No's email lists and don't go nuts
when I see them walking the streets. What I don't quite accept is
when they are hanging out with 1970's NBA shorts, black knee high
socks and a "I wanna bang" shirt. I know my buddy Zed will say that
they gotta keep the police state to a limit but even he must agree
that there is a place for the authorities to keep a creep from hanging
out hanging out with his winky hanging out staring at my 3 year old

This is the kind of time, I want more police presence at the parks, not less

Take in the grease trucks

You can't get a Snickers bar in NYC without passing one of those
grades posted in the front window. I usually refuse to eat in
anything below an A, knowing that even some of those dirty Chinese and
taco places get A's somehow. I have to figure that you get a B, if
the inspector literally steps in a pike of rat-shit or catches they
busboy giving the head waiter a hummer and then seeing the waiter spew
inside the mashed potatoes

But what is a bit odd, is that those street carts don't have to obey
by the same grading system. How the hell are those roving roach
motels getting away without being under the eye of those food
inspectors when there are tons of restauranteurs sweating out their
results daily

Take on Revis

Still trying to digest it, even if it was written an the walks for months.   

Losing the best player on your team, even a prima donna, is tough.   It's like losing Eli but not having JPP, Nicks, Cruz and a trophy case that is sinking under the weight of Vince Lombardi 

The team was awful last year and won't be any better this year.  They have a dearth of talent on offense, a disenfranchised fan-base, a 'franchise' QB with fourth round talent and four grade mental toughness,  a lame duck coach who lost his infectious personality with that lapband surgery, an overachieving but still mostly unlikeable defense, a rookie GM and an owner who cares more about TMZ than W&L. 

But it's probably the right thing because with or without Revis, this would have been a down year and you just know he would have held out next year.  So this year will play itself out like every other year..  Skinny Rex will get fired and you''ll be rooting for a team on their 8th coach in the last 20 years but you will still wear Jets green everyday mainly because that is all you have in my closet for casual gear.  In a few years when they make a decent run and you will get excited about it but your friends who root for the cross town team who will be coming off their 6th super-bowl appearance and fifth title of their lifetime will tell you that you aren't a real enough fan.  They'll shit all over your happiness because you only started to like them 25 years ago and apparently aren't vested enough. 

It'll feel good to root for a winner again and the town will be abuzz and for that short while and you will realize why you put up with the misery.  But of course with any success comes bravado and the rest of this town will jump on-board.   You'll feel self conscious because every Joe, Dick and Vinny will be wearing their brand new Jets jersey (probably a new logo too, to make sure everybody knows that these are the new  New York Jets.). Revis will be playing in his 10th pro-bowl, and somehow Geno Smith became the next Geno Torretta not the next John Elway.  Greg Schiano will be considered a defensive genius and Rex will be on his fourth year on Sunday Night Football with Al Michaels who had to come clean on yet another DWI that year.  

And then it will all come crashing down again when they will draft an undersized defensive lineman from Montana or Idaho or Fresno State who had a great Senior Bowl but showed huge mental lapses throughout his senior season and is know to be a poor practice player.    The pundits will tell you was only because he played in the Big Sky conference or whatever but that he plays up to his level of competition and they expect him to really step up practicing against this level of talent everyday.   Hey he ran a 4.6 forty at the combine and he looks like a mean bastard.  Problem is that, he will show up thirty pounds overweight to the off season workouts, which might be his way of dealing with the 'undersized' criticism but you know it's from too many BigMacs.  And all of a sudden all the  character issues which dogged him at the draft will come roaring back when he gets pulled over and his cousin riding shotgun gets busted with a pound of weed. 

But they will start the season 4-1 and head into a big showdown at Foxboro and may even pull it off which gets your juices going again. 

You never did buy the new jersey but still wear the same Jets pajamas, rooting like crazy even if you know it's never going to last.  Then when nobody is watching, you'll take out your white Revis jersey and put it on and just dream about what could have been

Yeah it's super easy.  

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Sent from my iPhone

Take on the wall ad

As a salesman, I understand the need to draw attention to your product
but when I caught an ad on the side of a building down near Union
Square, I was more than a bit confused. The ad, for rental
properties, looked like it may as well have been an ad for some
Russian figure skating event.

Then again when you have to add "charming and renovated " to your
advertisements to cover "small and charmless", you better bring out
the stops and nothing helps a guy forget he's shelling out $2500 for a
300 foot studio than a set of Russian legs, even if it looks like
she's mogul skiing.
I assume Adina guarantees you a BJ and a great apartment, for 10% of a
years rent

Take on a social media event

While the world watched what can beat described by a live version of
24 culminating in the FBI and local police departments apprehendingthe
second suspect of the Boston Marathon, it became pretty obvious the
way we follow breaking news had changed. People were listening to
the live police wire from a link online, Reddit had become the new
Sherlock Holmes and Twitter was exploding with new details.

A buddy later emailed me, knocking CNN and the other traditional
outlets for being a half hour behind on everything and saying they had
become largely irrelevant because of social media. Although I do
agree with this, in part, this breaking news forum using Internet
anarchy, may break a lot of news but carries almost none of the
responsibility of CNN, the BBC and the print (although you may not
know that from the actions of the media earlier this week)
I have read more wild speculation, presented as fact, on sights like
Reddit, Footballguys and twitter than I care to count. Yeah, it is
the place I turned when I wanted up to date information but I also
'learned' that there were bombs all over beantown, there were direct
ties to Chechnyan rebels who were running the entire operation
virtually, the 19 year old was spotted in NYC, Obama was sending
troops to Chechnya and a ton of others

Obviously the traditional news-sites left a lot to be desired this
week as well but they have been taken to task for it. The random
@bostonlurker or @joey.baga won't suffer the same fate

Take on the European Bath

You have to live those wacky Europeans, first they pride themselves on
bathing as little as possible but when they do, they plaster or all
over the toy store aisles

My kid got a box of toys the other day and as I'm looking at the
instructions, I notice that the box has this smoking hot chick sitting
in the bath with her kid. Now there is nothing wrong with this but
it's definitely not the kind of thing you would see on American
packaging.

Not only does she scream "sex-bomb", in an otherwise completely
non-sexual situation but if you look closely enough, I think you can
catch a little nip


Anyway, I decided to let my kid keep the toys as long as I get to keep the box

Take in the recyclers

When I see these crazy Chinese people digging through garbage to
salvage a couple of soda-cans, I'm always a bit confused by the
business model. These guys are walking down the street with shopping
carts, going from building to building and essentially assorting
through the returnable ones cans from the ones you get your beans in.
I've been thinking that they could really capitalize cause this entire
system seems inefficient. These guys need a better business model.
First they have to get away from this independent contract mentality
and combine forces, they have to utilize their skills collectively to
maximize profits.

If they hired me to help them run their business, I'd say that they
should be thinking bigger and ditching the shopping carts. If they
rented a UHaul and drove around manhattan collecting complete bags,
they woukd cover so much more ground. They could have a driver and two
guys whose job it was to sort through the bags in the back of thr
Uhaul. They collect the soda cans and drop the non redeemable ones at
the the next stop while collecting another unsorted haul. , I would
guess we could easily make twice what these guys make now if they just
have an action plan, and who knows we could eventually start
franchises, a pyramid scheme of undocumented workers all working in
unison to collect and sort aluminum
These guys need to pool their resources and build a business on
efficiency and scale

Then again, these guys dig through garbage for a living, not sure if
we can get all that sophisticated

Take on the Senate

With the news today that the Senate rejected a motion to increase background checks for gun purchases. I'm left once again to question the guts of our elected officials.   I do not believe there are more than 20 senators who in their hearts believe background checks are a bad thing, they just don't have the conviction of their hearts and are as spineless as they come

I have no issue with responsible gun ownership but just like not allowing a 12 year old to buy cigarettes or beer, I think there need to be some restrictions based on qualification.   With freedom comes responsibility and it's out responsibility that you have your freedom 

Don't give me any bull about a background check taking away god-given rights because quite honestly I am too drunk and too jaded to take this kind of argument seriously.  Responsible gun ownership should the the cornerstone of any gun-rights activist and having anything other is an embarrassment

Who, except for the true Glenn Beck crazies, believes that a guy with a schizophrenia, a guy on the FBI terrorist list or some dude with an arrest sheet longer than my arm, should be armed?  I hate the constitutional argument because it is suppose to be a living document, able to change as time does.  Just like we no longer count back people as 3/5th of a white vote or we don't feel like women have a right to vote, we should not take the second amendment as scripture 

  Our founding fathers were a bunch of hillbilly slave owning racists who happened to put together a union which is evolving to hopefully become perfect but so far we are far from that

Keep guns out of the hands of the crazies, so that you not totally crazies can keep your hands on your triggers 

 

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take on the new season of Friends

when I heard a buddy of mine sent me the 'crazy rumor of the day' from Gawker about an NBC show coming back for one final season, I desperately hoped it would be a new season of Seinfeld.   For anybody who has any taste whatsoever, Seinfeld is one of the five best TV shows of all time bar-none and the only way to get my Seinfeld-fix today is with reruns on WPIX or through the incredibly clever @SeinfeldToday twitter handle.

but sadly, my hopes for a killer reunion of Elaine, Jerry, Kramer, George, Mr. Peterman, Newman, Uncle Leo, Frank and Estelle were squashed when the big Thursday Night hit the heads of Comcast decided to bring back was the incredibly lame Friends.    Never has a show been less interesting than the 22 minutes per week of these six dweebs living in a way too large an apartment on way too little money and drinking way too many skim milk latte's.  There is nothing that describes the pussyfication of our fine country better than this show about nothing important..  Six yuppy white people with a much humor between them as ordering a chocolate banana sundae and getting a vanilla cone instead.

sadly, there will some people 

 2 indians.jpg

who will be super excited about this and will hardly be able to keep from snorting when Ross first trips and lands ass first on tip of a brontosaurus tail and Monica finds Chandler with his dingy stuck in her new Dyson.

Take on the window seat

When I took a train from one smog filled city to another the other
day, I paid extra to get a first class ticket and asked for a window
seat. Although the train was delayed nearly an hour and a half and
I'd already had a long day, the thought of day dreaming while staring
out the window taking in the country seemed a way to relax and unwind
from a difficult few days

That was until I got to seat 1F which although reasonably comfortable
didn't exactly offer the view, I had hoped for. In China, they
aren't all that literal when it comes to selling you something as
vague as a 'window seat'. Apparently just getting a seat near the
spot where the window would be is enough for people

So here I sit, stuck for 3.5 hours with only the smell of the toilet
to keep me awake

MLIA

Take on the new Y

I am always hearing about how the Y is trying to appeal to a broader
demographic but when I get the new catalogue, I am not so sure. Long
gone are the picture of hip-hop kids shooting hoops or the dorky white
kids playing chess and instead there are a bunch of geriatrics just
hoping not to pop their artificial hips
On top of everything these guys are dressed like rainbow warriors,
which I guess is what old people do. Either that or their cataracts
has set in and they can't tell they are wearing purple pants with a
red shirt and green socks

If the Y really wants to service the community, maybe the should spend
more time making sure the kids don't dress like a bunch of circus
clowns

Take on the Chinese Stall

I am as big a fan of Asian Culture as anybody and nobody likes a good
clean dump like me but what the hell is wrong with this picture at a
public restroom in China. I walk up to the pisser and all of a
sudden notice a pair of pants being thrown over the door of the
adjoining stall. I get the idea of not wanting to crap all over your
pants but if dumping in a hole involves getting completely naked, I am
not all that interested.
First of all, those floors are piss covered and there is just no way
to take off your pants without having to set your un-shoed foot in a
puddle of Chinese piss
Secondly, who the hell wants to take the risk if the little stall lock
properly working and potentially being caught hovering over a mountain
of human feces and getting the crap scared out of you

So I say, Thank you but no thank you China. I will take my sit down
toilets and keep my pants around my ankles, thank you very much

Take on the out of place GoBot

I love those ridiculously dressed up guys in TimesSquare as much as
anybody but I gotta think it's one of the most depressing jobs out
there when you take the entire gig into perspective. I catch some
guy on 9th avenue today probably on the way to home and honestly think
this dude probably goes home and beats his cat when he gets there.

At least this dude was dressed like a Gobot, songs night be able to
score some ass at the bars, the Mexican dressed as Luigi is happy he
doesn't get kicked in the nuts by the first available chick for
looking like Michael Kay

Take on the FDR

If there is a more miserable stretch of highway than the southbound
FDR leading onto the ramp for the Triborough Bridge, please tell me
what it is.
You can drive down the FDR on Monday at 8AM, Sunday at noon or Friday
at 6pm, and you're stuck for a half an hour crawling along at 4mph.
Might be time to either add a couple of lanes for that merge or
otherwise kill off half off the NJ commuting population

I can't blame somebody for going FallingDown on that miserable highway

Take on the hotel bathroom

I guess not all my hotel rooms are five-star double deckers... For all
the TOR readers who commented about the luxury i was living in, I
present the bathroom of the hotel I stayed in last night as evidence
to the contrary

Usually I believe that the fungus on my own feet serve as slippers
against the grime and filth of most nasty bathrooms as what I have
growing on my dogs can take anything else in a street fight without
problem... But even I was freaked out by the three inches of scum,
puke, mold and human waste that was caked onto the bottom of the tub
Next year I will make sure that I do not wash my feet for a month in
anticipation

Take on the five star bathroom

Some parts of China really are the best.  When I checked into my hotel room last night, I was shocked how big it was.  Two floors with two bedrooms, full living room, big staircase, two bathrooms and a jacuzzi.  The place is literally bigger than any apartment I have ever lived in and they even make your bed for you and the best thing is that they have a sit down toilet!!

I sent some pictures around of my palatial estate and a buddy commented with 'what a life' which sounds good except when you see the bathroom I left in said hotel room

Maybe it was the bird-flu infested chicken, maybe it was some dead floating pig meat I was slipped of maybe it was this disgusting spice which tastes like rotting cheese they out on everything but my colon has had a cleaning that can be most closely equated to birth.  

I felt like I was in a twisted episode of Gremlins meets a volcano where the creature is trying to busy through your stomach and eventually explodes.  

Luckily for me, I was at a place with a sit down toilet...the rest of the day may not be pleasant

I wonder if I should have left a few bucks for the poor Chinese girl who will have to clean that thing.  This is a five star hotel and I just left the DeathStar in their wake.  Then again maybe the one getting a tip is the maintenance guy because tgey might be better off just replacing it all together or since it is China they can rip it out and leave a big hole

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Take on the $1200 stroller

There are a lot of things I do not understand: quantum physics, the technology behind composite vapor deposition, the reason a dude would wear cologne and why anybody would spend over a thousand dollars on a stroller

But Righetti, you don't understand this stroller allows you to navigate the sidewalks and escalators using the latest German technology, designed by a Russian rocket scientist and using Japanese engineered struts, Italian design lines, Norwegian color schemes and Swiss precision parts. It has all terrain tires tested in the Alps, the body is entirely titanium with the fabric made from organically grown natural fibers and assembled only by Chinese  villagers with advanced engineering degrees.  It allows for three positions for your baby to see the wonders of this great world and doubles as an inversion board and even has a cup-holder fitted for specifically for a Venti double mocha soy milk latte.

I see these uppity white chicks pushing these high-end strollers all over the upper east side and I wonder how rich people must be, that they can throw over a thousand dollars for something that was perfected for a tenth the price. I mean feeling the need to have the latest nordic technology in stroller is nothing more than a status symbol because nobody in their right mind would actually believe that this is even remotely necessary.   Any rationalization that this is a benefit to a child's development because of it uses sound waves to play Mozart and is ergonomically designed to allow for improved head control or improved vocalization is marketing junk  

Buying a stroller which costs more than two months worth of groceries, will not make your baby smarter, develop more quickly, start walking at 8 months, become fluent in Japanese or start writing concertos as 3... yet people spend more money on it than they would on a car seat which actually may save your kid's life

I have an acquaintance, who tells me the reason she bought it for her daughter three years ago because she only wants the best for her daughter, somehow implying that the $180 City-Mini which my kid gets pushed around in implied I love her less.   The sad thing is that people actually believe this, thinking something as materialistic as a stroller, an outfit or a mobile will make any difference in a child's life when all they need is attention.   It will not make your child smarter of happier, just like spending $2000 on a purse won't make you happier unless you care what other people think. 

 Iit is the kind of mentality that leads to the ultra-competitive parenting outdoing one another for the most organically fed, mandarin taught, yoga going future Einstein 

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Take on the Chinese Fisg

Every business meal in China is completed not with a piece of Cheescake and an espresso but instead with a fish and not just any fish.   Apparently, the Chinese character for mutual profit is similar to the one for fish, so the custom is to finish every meal with a local fish to show the cooperation between the business people.  They will always comment how this fish comes from some local river, which is very nice except that every local river is green with pollutants.  The factories here use the waterways as their own private dumps.  RiverKeepers could keep busy for a thousand years

And if you can get past the fact they probably have three eyes then realize that the Chinese just found 12,000 dead pig carcasses in the rivers and just killed off 20,000 birds because of the new bird-flu

Then you realize the PCB's, dead pig and sick birds are the least of your worries cause the server just came out of the bathroom and there is no running water, no toilet paper and definitely no soap

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Take on the American stewardess

Delta, American and United could learn something from their Asian compadres and it has nothing to do with on-time arrivals or leg-room.   The major differences aren't about food or comfort but about the fact that the American legacy airlines have a bunch of stewardesses who are as old and broken as their fleets.   Just walk through an airport and see the lineup of the women working Asiana or Singapore and you'll be amazed, it's like a lineup of hot..  While the American's are all wearing pant-suits, with stains on their shirts and have lipstick that looks like it was out on under black-light, the Asians show up looking like they came out of the pacific rim's Vogue.  They are stylish and attractive and the best part is that, unlike these geriatric americans, when you see their ankles they don't look like they are smuggling tennis balls across international border.

The thing is that because of seniority the oldest ones get the most exotic flights and the business and first class cabins, so when you are on a 14 hour flight to Beijing, you are dealing with some cranky old broad who looks like she a fatter, older and less attractive Ricki Lake (if that is even possible)  They feel entitled and have lost all sense of customer service but mostly they are a complete and utter eyesore. The Asians recruit hot, young chicks as a walking billboard.  The broads from Singapore Air make you want to fly their airline and visit their country and spend lavishly. The chicks from American make you want to reach for the vomit bag

This is what I hate about feminism, it doesn't allow a woman to dress like a woman. I hate chicks in comfortable shoes, especially flats, I hate women in pant-suits especially fluorescent ones and I hate women who look like they don't give a crap what they look like and don't groom their faces

I also hate most dudes who pay too much attention to their own look, who can't get ready in 5 minutes flat or who excessively groom so don't call me anything but a equal opportunistic sexist. 

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