Take on the Senate

With the news today that the Senate rejected a motion to increase background checks for gun purchases. I'm left once again to question the guts of our elected officials.   I do not believe there are more than 20 senators who in their hearts believe background checks are a bad thing, they just don't have the conviction of their hearts and are as spineless as they come

I have no issue with responsible gun ownership but just like not allowing a 12 year old to buy cigarettes or beer, I think there need to be some restrictions based on qualification.   With freedom comes responsibility and it's out responsibility that you have your freedom 

Don't give me any bull about a background check taking away god-given rights because quite honestly I am too drunk and too jaded to take this kind of argument seriously.  Responsible gun ownership should the the cornerstone of any gun-rights activist and having anything other is an embarrassment

Who, except for the true Glenn Beck crazies, believes that a guy with a schizophrenia, a guy on the FBI terrorist list or some dude with an arrest sheet longer than my arm, should be armed?  I hate the constitutional argument because it is suppose to be a living document, able to change as time does.  Just like we no longer count back people as 3/5th of a white vote or we don't feel like women have a right to vote, we should not take the second amendment as scripture 

  Our founding fathers were a bunch of hillbilly slave owning racists who happened to put together a union which is evolving to hopefully become perfect but so far we are far from that

Keep guns out of the hands of the crazies, so that you not totally crazies can keep your hands on your triggers 

 

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take on the new season of Friends

when I heard a buddy of mine sent me the 'crazy rumor of the day' from Gawker about an NBC show coming back for one final season, I desperately hoped it would be a new season of Seinfeld.   For anybody who has any taste whatsoever, Seinfeld is one of the five best TV shows of all time bar-none and the only way to get my Seinfeld-fix today is with reruns on WPIX or through the incredibly clever @SeinfeldToday twitter handle.

but sadly, my hopes for a killer reunion of Elaine, Jerry, Kramer, George, Mr. Peterman, Newman, Uncle Leo, Frank and Estelle were squashed when the big Thursday Night hit the heads of Comcast decided to bring back was the incredibly lame Friends.    Never has a show been less interesting than the 22 minutes per week of these six dweebs living in a way too large an apartment on way too little money and drinking way too many skim milk latte's.  There is nothing that describes the pussyfication of our fine country better than this show about nothing important..  Six yuppy white people with a much humor between them as ordering a chocolate banana sundae and getting a vanilla cone instead.

sadly, there will some people 

 2 indians.jpg

who will be super excited about this and will hardly be able to keep from snorting when Ross first trips and lands ass first on tip of a brontosaurus tail and Monica finds Chandler with his dingy stuck in her new Dyson.

Take on the window seat

When I took a train from one smog filled city to another the other
day, I paid extra to get a first class ticket and asked for a window
seat. Although the train was delayed nearly an hour and a half and
I'd already had a long day, the thought of day dreaming while staring
out the window taking in the country seemed a way to relax and unwind
from a difficult few days

That was until I got to seat 1F which although reasonably comfortable
didn't exactly offer the view, I had hoped for. In China, they
aren't all that literal when it comes to selling you something as
vague as a 'window seat'. Apparently just getting a seat near the
spot where the window would be is enough for people

So here I sit, stuck for 3.5 hours with only the smell of the toilet
to keep me awake

MLIA

Take on the new Y

I am always hearing about how the Y is trying to appeal to a broader
demographic but when I get the new catalogue, I am not so sure. Long
gone are the picture of hip-hop kids shooting hoops or the dorky white
kids playing chess and instead there are a bunch of geriatrics just
hoping not to pop their artificial hips
On top of everything these guys are dressed like rainbow warriors,
which I guess is what old people do. Either that or their cataracts
has set in and they can't tell they are wearing purple pants with a
red shirt and green socks

If the Y really wants to service the community, maybe the should spend
more time making sure the kids don't dress like a bunch of circus
clowns

Take on the Chinese Stall

I am as big a fan of Asian Culture as anybody and nobody likes a good
clean dump like me but what the hell is wrong with this picture at a
public restroom in China. I walk up to the pisser and all of a
sudden notice a pair of pants being thrown over the door of the
adjoining stall. I get the idea of not wanting to crap all over your
pants but if dumping in a hole involves getting completely naked, I am
not all that interested.
First of all, those floors are piss covered and there is just no way
to take off your pants without having to set your un-shoed foot in a
puddle of Chinese piss
Secondly, who the hell wants to take the risk if the little stall lock
properly working and potentially being caught hovering over a mountain
of human feces and getting the crap scared out of you

So I say, Thank you but no thank you China. I will take my sit down
toilets and keep my pants around my ankles, thank you very much

Take on the out of place GoBot

I love those ridiculously dressed up guys in TimesSquare as much as
anybody but I gotta think it's one of the most depressing jobs out
there when you take the entire gig into perspective. I catch some
guy on 9th avenue today probably on the way to home and honestly think
this dude probably goes home and beats his cat when he gets there.

At least this dude was dressed like a Gobot, songs night be able to
score some ass at the bars, the Mexican dressed as Luigi is happy he
doesn't get kicked in the nuts by the first available chick for
looking like Michael Kay

Take on the FDR

If there is a more miserable stretch of highway than the southbound
FDR leading onto the ramp for the Triborough Bridge, please tell me
what it is.
You can drive down the FDR on Monday at 8AM, Sunday at noon or Friday
at 6pm, and you're stuck for a half an hour crawling along at 4mph.
Might be time to either add a couple of lanes for that merge or
otherwise kill off half off the NJ commuting population

I can't blame somebody for going FallingDown on that miserable highway

Take on the hotel bathroom

I guess not all my hotel rooms are five-star double deckers... For all
the TOR readers who commented about the luxury i was living in, I
present the bathroom of the hotel I stayed in last night as evidence
to the contrary

Usually I believe that the fungus on my own feet serve as slippers
against the grime and filth of most nasty bathrooms as what I have
growing on my dogs can take anything else in a street fight without
problem... But even I was freaked out by the three inches of scum,
puke, mold and human waste that was caked onto the bottom of the tub
Next year I will make sure that I do not wash my feet for a month in
anticipation

Take on the five star bathroom

Some parts of China really are the best.  When I checked into my hotel room last night, I was shocked how big it was.  Two floors with two bedrooms, full living room, big staircase, two bathrooms and a jacuzzi.  The place is literally bigger than any apartment I have ever lived in and they even make your bed for you and the best thing is that they have a sit down toilet!!

I sent some pictures around of my palatial estate and a buddy commented with 'what a life' which sounds good except when you see the bathroom I left in said hotel room

Maybe it was the bird-flu infested chicken, maybe it was some dead floating pig meat I was slipped of maybe it was this disgusting spice which tastes like rotting cheese they out on everything but my colon has had a cleaning that can be most closely equated to birth.  

I felt like I was in a twisted episode of Gremlins meets a volcano where the creature is trying to busy through your stomach and eventually explodes.  

Luckily for me, I was at a place with a sit down toilet...the rest of the day may not be pleasant

I wonder if I should have left a few bucks for the poor Chinese girl who will have to clean that thing.  This is a five star hotel and I just left the DeathStar in their wake.  Then again maybe the one getting a tip is the maintenance guy because tgey might be better off just replacing it all together or since it is China they can rip it out and leave a big hole

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Take on the $1200 stroller

There are a lot of things I do not understand: quantum physics, the technology behind composite vapor deposition, the reason a dude would wear cologne and why anybody would spend over a thousand dollars on a stroller

But Righetti, you don't understand this stroller allows you to navigate the sidewalks and escalators using the latest German technology, designed by a Russian rocket scientist and using Japanese engineered struts, Italian design lines, Norwegian color schemes and Swiss precision parts. It has all terrain tires tested in the Alps, the body is entirely titanium with the fabric made from organically grown natural fibers and assembled only by Chinese  villagers with advanced engineering degrees.  It allows for three positions for your baby to see the wonders of this great world and doubles as an inversion board and even has a cup-holder fitted for specifically for a Venti double mocha soy milk latte.

I see these uppity white chicks pushing these high-end strollers all over the upper east side and I wonder how rich people must be, that they can throw over a thousand dollars for something that was perfected for a tenth the price. I mean feeling the need to have the latest nordic technology in stroller is nothing more than a status symbol because nobody in their right mind would actually believe that this is even remotely necessary.   Any rationalization that this is a benefit to a child's development because of it uses sound waves to play Mozart and is ergonomically designed to allow for improved head control or improved vocalization is marketing junk  

Buying a stroller which costs more than two months worth of groceries, will not make your baby smarter, develop more quickly, start walking at 8 months, become fluent in Japanese or start writing concertos as 3... yet people spend more money on it than they would on a car seat which actually may save your kid's life

I have an acquaintance, who tells me the reason she bought it for her daughter three years ago because she only wants the best for her daughter, somehow implying that the $180 City-Mini which my kid gets pushed around in implied I love her less.   The sad thing is that people actually believe this, thinking something as materialistic as a stroller, an outfit or a mobile will make any difference in a child's life when all they need is attention.   It will not make your child smarter of happier, just like spending $2000 on a purse won't make you happier unless you care what other people think. 

 Iit is the kind of mentality that leads to the ultra-competitive parenting outdoing one another for the most organically fed, mandarin taught, yoga going future Einstein 

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Take on the Chinese Fisg

Every business meal in China is completed not with a piece of Cheescake and an espresso but instead with a fish and not just any fish.   Apparently, the Chinese character for mutual profit is similar to the one for fish, so the custom is to finish every meal with a local fish to show the cooperation between the business people.  They will always comment how this fish comes from some local river, which is very nice except that every local river is green with pollutants.  The factories here use the waterways as their own private dumps.  RiverKeepers could keep busy for a thousand years

And if you can get past the fact they probably have three eyes then realize that the Chinese just found 12,000 dead pig carcasses in the rivers and just killed off 20,000 birds because of the new bird-flu

Then you realize the PCB's, dead pig and sick birds are the least of your worries cause the server just came out of the bathroom and there is no running water, no toilet paper and definitely no soap

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Take on the American stewardess

Delta, American and United could learn something from their Asian compadres and it has nothing to do with on-time arrivals or leg-room.   The major differences aren't about food or comfort but about the fact that the American legacy airlines have a bunch of stewardesses who are as old and broken as their fleets.   Just walk through an airport and see the lineup of the women working Asiana or Singapore and you'll be amazed, it's like a lineup of hot..  While the American's are all wearing pant-suits, with stains on their shirts and have lipstick that looks like it was out on under black-light, the Asians show up looking like they came out of the pacific rim's Vogue.  They are stylish and attractive and the best part is that, unlike these geriatric americans, when you see their ankles they don't look like they are smuggling tennis balls across international border.

The thing is that because of seniority the oldest ones get the most exotic flights and the business and first class cabins, so when you are on a 14 hour flight to Beijing, you are dealing with some cranky old broad who looks like she a fatter, older and less attractive Ricki Lake (if that is even possible)  They feel entitled and have lost all sense of customer service but mostly they are a complete and utter eyesore. The Asians recruit hot, young chicks as a walking billboard.  The broads from Singapore Air make you want to fly their airline and visit their country and spend lavishly. The chicks from American make you want to reach for the vomit bag

This is what I hate about feminism, it doesn't allow a woman to dress like a woman. I hate chicks in comfortable shoes, especially flats, I hate women in pant-suits especially fluorescent ones and I hate women who look like they don't give a crap what they look like and don't groom their faces

I also hate most dudes who pay too much attention to their own look, who can't get ready in 5 minutes flat or who excessively groom so don't call me anything but a equal opportunistic sexist. 

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Take on the Smoker

	OMG Facts (@OMGFacts)
4/5/13, 1:00 PM One-third of the world's smokers are Chinese, amounting to a smoking population greater than the entire population of the United States.

There are a lot of surprises when you wake up in China but when I read that a third of all the world's smokers are Chinese I was not at all surprised.   I swear that every single dude in this country smokes about a pack of butts per hour which compared to breathing in the smog might actually be safer. 

It is as if people have decided to use a Marlboro in place of a face-mask, probably because they are cheaper.   Nowhere in the world is smoking more prevalent that in Asia, every Korean smells like an kimchee covered ashtray, every Japanese guy reeks of tobacco and 12 year old panties and every guy in China has teeth which are so tarnished by smoke that you think you are staring at a post-it.  In

China people smoke in restaurants, in shops, in cars, on streets and you honestly feel like you are walking around like PigPen.  

We don't do everything right and there are definitely issues limiting our personal responsibilities and freedoms which is something I sometimes really grapple with bit when you consider the health risks to the non-smoker, it seems almost asinine that there is opposition at all

Ever notice who are the only people who still smoke in the USA?  The poorly educated hicks and the bratty kids of the rich and honestly I am happy with the natural selection that will inevitably occur because of it

Why should the health of my kids be out at risk because some hillbilly high-school dropout doesn't have the personal fortitude to kick his nicotine addiction.   

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Take on Chinese Fashion

This is the kind of a scene which really describes China. A crowded
train station at 3 in the afternoon with about 10,000 people looking
to crowd into a 3:30 train in 15 minutes and all dressed like they
left their mirrors in 1456. Color coordination means nothing in China
as you have guys happily dressed like every color of the rainbow with
their blue shirts, purple pants and black jackets which is fine if
they are ben remotely clean because it is not uncommon to have a
business meeting with a dude wearing a brown polo with more stains on
it than my toilet will have when I am done destroying it tonight

but even if that isn't the worst of it, just look at the dude in the
middle with his fat finger shoved so far up his nose that you'd think
he's performing brain surgery. We all pick our noses and in a place
like China where they count the pollution in parts per thousand as
opposed to parts per billion, you need to clear your sinuses up fairly
often as those nose hairs pick up cotton sized pollution regularly,
but as a Westerner you have to be somewhat discreet. These slobs
don't give a crap and will pick their nose or their teeth as they are
having lunch with you and fling whatever they find across the table.
You just hope it doesn't get hidden in the noodles as that is the only
thing on the LazySusan you are even interested in eating.


And you just know this slob will come and shake your hand, wiping his
nose gunk all over your hand.

Take on the grey outside my window

When you first land in Beijing after an exhausting 13 hour flight you feel like you are landing into a cloud.  Sitting at the window, you don't see the typical skyline, coastline or highline, you only see grey.  The first time I came over here, I was a 21 year old kid but now as a ten trip veteran at the age of 37, I'm a little bit more jaded.   I remember sitting at a hotel in a major industrial city in the heartland of China a decade ago and calling home and mentioning that it was so foggy here.  I had had breakfast at the top floor and hadn't been able to see out of the window across the street.   The next day when I sat in the same spot seeing the same fog, I thought it must be a weird weather pattern.  The next day I was getting a bit concerned because with only one day left, I had not taken an amazing picture from, I had hoped to of the bustling city.  On day three, as I was met with the same foggy view, it dawned on me.  This wasn't fog at all bit instead smog.   All those crazies wearing their facial masks were the smart ones

The country is amazing in it's growth, history and potential bit good god you can't walk 15 feet without coughing up a lung

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Take on my dangerously short Achilles

	OMG Facts (@OMGFacts)
3/30/13, 9:30 PM Most western adults can't squat with their heels flat. This is due to shortened Achilles tendons, the result of sitting too much

When I read the above OMGFact, my first thought was that Asian's have it good with their elongated Achilles, their hairless legs and their endless supply of smog keeping any sunlight from hitting their ageless faces (until they hit the Great Wall of Menopause and all of a sudden look like Kim Jong-Il). 

Then I heard from a non East-Asian friend that she too is able to squat flat-footed and suspects women have longer tendons than men because they have to hover over public toilet seats.    Of course, she too is of Asian descent, so who the hell knows if this is true for all chicks.   I have to think that those big fat midwestern hogs probably can't keep this balance up and just plop their zit covered asses on any piece of porcelain that will have them so they too have short Achilles. 

But even if some chicks have less of this issue, I figure that it is probably an affliction that hits most guys.  A dude does much less toilet squatting in a lifetime because honestly how often are you even on a public toilet in a week?  maybe once if you had bad Korean food on 32nd street?? 

So although this meant that I never had the indignity of looking like a prepubescent Japanese boy on the playground, it's not all that peaches and fish-head soup when you realize you are about to go to a place where you shit into a hole and are now stuck with puny Achilleses (editors note: I have no idea what the plural of Achilles is and suspect it is like fish where both the singular and the plural are the same but to cover all basis I am also adding the TOR version of it)

I've decided that I will have my kids to squat when they sit like all those wacky Japanese kids from my elementary school so that, if they ever have to drop a deuce in China, they can do so without ending up swimming in a hole of human excrement. 

Take on the welder mask

There is a lot of bad fashion out there but in general, Korean women
take the prize when it comes to awful fashion sense. Whether they
are sporting those ridiculous sequenced track suits, those purple
bouffant perms or the latest Nike sneakers with a pant-suit, they set
new highs (or lows) for fashion

But what I've noticed more of recently, are the large visors, it used
to be that they wore these hats with visors the size of a large pizza
to keep their perfectly bland skin from picking up an inkling of color
but now they've gone a step further and started to wear these ones
that look like a welders mask. Not long before they start sporting a
gas mask

Take on Wilt

When Kobe Bryant made a jumper in the second quarter, he surpassed
another Laker Great on the all-time scoring list. Former NBA player,
Wilt Chamberlain's 31,149 points were now fifth all-time and Michael
Jordan's 32,292 is clearly within sight

But really when I read the headline about somebody breaking Wilt's
number I was expecting to read about Kobe's conquests in the bedroom.
Wilt claimed to have bedded 10,000chicks which seemed far fetched and
you wonder if it's matchable. Let's take today's biggest star like
Kobe or Tiger and let him have at it with no regards of morality of
decency, he would get to 10k by getting a different broad per day
which would take over 27 years would get him to Wilt. I know a dude
who got to nearly 40 chicks in a ten day rampage of South America
which was an impressive feat both physically and financially but to
keep up that pace you'd still be looking at nearly seven years to
catch the Big Dipper

the 10,000 mark is one of longevity as much as it's about but it
might be a record worth tempting. Just get the right kind of sex
addicted star with the right exposure could challenge this number
although this might be harder than scoring 100 in a game

Take on electronic cigarettes.

I am all for having a guy kick a nasty habit even is it is with aid of help but I am getting increasingly concerned that those electronic cigarettes are the downfall for our great country. 

 is there anything lamer than those electronic cigarettes.  I get that long time smokers have both nicotine withdrawal as much as a withdrawal from having something in their hands but is holding a pencil shaped dildo really the best way to go?  These have become the new Virginia Slims and  like those,  any dude smoking one should probably upgrade to smoking something else. There is nothing as lame as feeling the need to puff away on a NJ transit bus and it might be due time for somebody to pop the next idiot who "lights" one up indoors 

The problem is that people aren't getting the hint that these are isiptic and I have seen them pop up everywhere and I am just waiting for Lebron James and Chris Paul to start rocking these like they do those idiotic fake black rimmed glasses

 

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Take on yet another pair of sr

I'm not sure what walking with four kids at the zoo does to me, but as
usual I ended up with a full belly, an empty wallet and another ripped
pair of underwear. Somehow, these ridiculously large chick thighs
of mine have a Superman effect on my underwear because there are way
too many days when the sheer act of bending down or squatting means I
need to go to Target for replenishment. I really need to figure a way
to either drop some pounds in my thighs of find some carbon-fiber
reinforced boxers

Take on the FAA

I read an article in today's Times about progress on the technology
front. This wasn't a new app or gaming console but instead a push to
allow electronic devices to be used during take-off and landings on a
commercial plane. The basis of the argument is that if Pilots and
flight attendance can use them in flight, why wouldn't passengers and
the argument about an IPad being a projectile in the case of
turbulence is no more valid than a heavy book having the same, if not
worse, effect.

But what got me is the argument which stated that other electronic
device like hearing-aids and electric razors were allowed and thus
there should be no reason to not allow IPadsand Kindles

My only question is..who the hell is using an electronic razor while
sitting strapped into your seat?? As a fellow passenger, I'd much
rather have the guy sitting next to me reading 50 Shades of Grey on a
tablet than shaving excess nose-hair or worse yet deciding this is the
optimal time to do some man-grooming

Get over yourself FAA and allow me to watch YourPorn while your sleep
deprived pilots try to make a LaGuardia landing with 90 mile per hour
cross-winds over the sound and disallow the nose clippers

Take on the 1%

Nobody has ever confused the USA today with high-brow reading, not his
for content but also for the quality of the writing. But the one
thing it does offer you is some decent reading while you are sitting
in the can at a HolidayInnExpress.
What i don't get though is their headline saying that Florida Gulf
Coast is the team for the 1%
Either his is a lame Occupy WallStreet reference which really makes no
sense because if anything about 99% of the country is rooting for them
or it is a reference to their chances at winning the entire thing
which also is odd because before the tournament started and anybody
had heard of DunkCity, the odds were probably at 0.00001% chance of
winning considering a 15 seed had never won more than a single game in
the tournament
Anyway, I'm for Dunk City so count me in the 1%

Take on the tax of a kindle book

Can somebody explain to me why the hell I am getting charged tax for buying a
kindle edition of some crappy fantasy novel.   Getting taxes on a physical book is one thing but on something you don't physcially own, this seems like major government overreach
I have never seen this before so maybe it's specific to this genre, call it a dork
tax which like a tax on fat people, I'm all for (hi mr mayor)

But I don't like the precedent this dork tax sets,  I don't get charged tax for
streaming a movie online , reading the NY Times online or anything else
Next thing you know, you'll get a tax bill for reading TOR

Take on the parking rates

I really hate how these parking lots get away with the equivalent if
having gasoline priced to the $0.009/penny. Just today I see this
large sign for all-day parking with a price of $8.45 plastered across
it. Of course the fine-print tells you this is for a half an hour.
Only in NYC does it cost you $10 including tax and tip to park for 30
minutes when we all know that there is nothing you can get done in
that timeline

Anyway, here is a big FU to the entire parking lot business

Take on Sunday Parking

When Mayor Bloomberg eliminated metered parking on Sunday's everybody
applauded. The people who live in or visit NYC would have one day
when they were not forced to feed the meter and what better day than
on God's Day. We at TOR always had a second thought to this because
like most things which seem like a no brainer, there is a second
perspective which comes with unplanned consequences.
See giving free street parking sounds great (except to those who like
the thought of a seventh day of revenue stream) but it also means that
people will park on Saturday night at about 8pm and not move their
cars till Monday morning. In other words all those stores who thought
they'd benefit instead can't get people to come in because there is no
street parking. Have you ever noticed how it is impossible to find a
parking spot on a Sunday around brunch?
So if you think that this is good for stores, think again because it
mean that today I didn't shop in NYC. The only one who this really
benefits it Big-Parking

Take on the androgynous hot chick

There are two of three big female celebs who I am convinced are
packing heat and if they are not there should be no way a heterosexual
man would want to stick his dinky in her pinky

-Wendy Williams is to a hot woman like Wendy's is to a nutritious
meal. You get a couple of calories but if they'd let you, you'd barf
the second you look behind the curtains. Wendy Williams probably has
a Harry Reems size dingy under those Target dresses.

-RuPaul. My buddies Tommy C and Norman Z used to argue with each
other how hot she was, not even realizing they were on the same side.
one being convinced she was the second coming of Halle Berry and the
other just hoping to cover her in juices and berries. I never had the
heart to tell them but I'm still convinced they each ride that black
locomotive

-Chyna. Dude that is a man and even if it's not close. No chick
should have bigger traps than you and in her video she very clearly
has a little Korea in her pants

- Nicki Minaj. Here is something I don't get.. This chick looks like
Arsenio Hall yet the entire world seems to be going gaga over her.
She's got a 40 foot billboard in Times Square and gets crazy airtime
on that crappy singing show but there is no doubt that the only thing
bigger than her fake t!ts are her real balls. That chick has a more
masculine face than every Asian I've ever met and an Adam's apple like
she swallowed them.
I am sure that when all is set and done, they find out that she has
Mariah beat in fake cup size and Randy beat in the other cup size

Take on the Dress Code

There are many things I am quite happy to not have to ever worry about
and the top of that list is ever getting stuck in a place with a dress
code
I walked past the Lucky Strike bowling alley today and saw all the
things not permitted and honestly it may as well have said "no black
people allowed" because the blatant racism in their dress code sign
was pretty obvious. The first thing was no baggy jeans then no MC
colors (whatever that means), no athletic gear (because so many white
dudes are wearing sweats), no work boots and finally no hats with an
exception of baseball caps (read beanies)
I am not here to defend anybody but that is about as blatant as it
gets. Not a lot of white dudes wearing sweats? Timberlands, beanies
and baggy shirts is my guess

take on the Berenstain Bears Christian Series

I used to love the Berenstain Bears and now my daughter does too.   But somewhere between the original authors Jan and Fran dying and the son Michael showing up and taking over the franchise they took a turn for the worse.   Whereas the original theme of the series undeniably had underlying Christian Values they now have become an o over-the-top Christian cheer-leading squad    

The other day, unbeknownst to me, I started reading one of these overt faith based titles and was gagging on the pomposity of it all

I get the thought of teaching a kid right-from-wrong but this jam it down your throat overt Christian bull is just sickening..  

Stick to titles like The Berenstain Bears and the Messy Room or The Berenstain Bears Go out for the Team with subtle Christian crap but keep the over-the-top stuff out of my wholesome household...and if you really want to teach kids a lesson that is important to their own safety maybe it's time for The Berenstain Bears and the Creepy Priest where Papa Bear comes over and punches Father Grizzly in the mouth for playing pawsees with Brother

take on the Chinese Pig problem

I can't tell you how excited I am to be travelling to China in 10 days... not just because my air-quality app keeps notifying me that the air-quality is somewhere between "moderately polluted" to"unhealthy" which actually isn't so bad considering it was "hazardous" a month ago..  

But what I'm really excited about is the 14,000 dead pigs they've found floating in some river right outside of Shanghai..  the good news, for me, is that I don't dig on swine, so the chances of me chopping down on one of those swine-flu pigs... the bad news is that i'm sure I'll be eating a ton of the three-eyed fish that comes out of that same river so my death may be only slightly delayed.

then again, that might be the least of my worries if I accidentally drink the water or touch anything.. I may start convulsing immediately 

Take on the tourist bus

Can somebody explain the appeal of one of those indoor bus tours where
you get 80 fanny-pack wearing hillbillies from Wichita to pay $100
each to sit in traffic throughout Manhattan. At least those red buses
are hop-on hop-off, so you can get off the death trap if you realize
your driver has a death wish or more likely you are sick of staring at
the same Times Square sign for the fifth red-light. These new ones
offer stadium seating facing out of one side of the bus...which also
means you can't see anything that is happening on the other side, so
if your bus driver ends up driving south on the West Side Highway, you
get a great view of 12th avenue and no view of the river

Take on the tournament

The last week in March is one of my favorite weeks, not so because I
love college basketball because you couldn't pay me to watch Florida
vs Missouri on a Saturday in January (although I would watch on a
Saturday in October)
But there is something great about the tournament, the excitement, the
heartache, the Cinderella's and the powerhouses. I love filling out
my bracket, love checking ESPN throughout the day and love gambling on
commercials between games.

What I don't love are the guys who go chalk with their brackets. I
get that anybody is free to do anything they want, but a guy taking
Duke, NC, Florida and Michigan State on any given year should be hung
by his little high pitched diaper dandy testicles

But really that is the best part about the tournament, as my buddy the
Bump will often say...the premier event of the college basketball
season and that little ACC fraud is nowhere to be found




Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Halls hidden messages

Has anybody noticed that Halls cough-drops are now not just made in
China but also come with some old sage life lessons. It's like
unwrapping each cough-drop is like cracking open a fortune cookie with
such life-changing advice as "tough is your middle name" or the
equally lame "flex your 'can do' muscles. This has the kind of
cross-over appeal as RuPauk
I don't know who they are appealing to but when I have a sore throat,
the last thing I want is some testosterone induced Yoda advice

Take on the wine labels

I don't drink a lot of wine, mostly because when I do, I usually feel
like a bird shat directly into my mouth so I am far from schooled on
the nuanced differences of one vineyard vs another. I am the type of
consumer who looks at the label and tries to make my best guess using
only the name on the front and the description on the back and
honestly I may as well do it blindfolded because my hit-rate is
somewhere near Mike Francessa's NFL picks. I am happy enough when I
can tell a Merlot from a Cabernet, so then to also have to pick on
vineyard, or god-forbid year, is a challenge I am not wiling to take
on
Today, I walked in to get a bottle of red for my FIL who like me could
care less about the label, the price or the type and walked out with a
bottle of DrySack which I assume is a warning to a guy who drinks too
much of it, his sperm count drops to nothing.

Take on the cab to the burbs

There are a thousand reasons why living in the suburbs blows donkey
including realizing you live in the lamest level of strip-mall hell.
But with all that, there is nothing worse than needing to negotiate a
cab-fare from the airport. If you live in the five boroughs, your
life is pretty good cause you get into the can and pay whatever your
meter reads when you get out. The problem is that when you need to
get to the burbs, the cabbies pull out this ridiculous book with the
prices Carmel charges. First of all, if I wanted to pay Carmel
prices, I'd call 666-6666 and get into a Towncar. This now becomes a
miserable negotiation because if it's busy at the airport, he's got no
reason to come off this fare quote. Yesterday the guy said my fare
would be $92 plus tolls and tip which would run you almost $150 which
considering it cost me $74 to get out there pretty ridiculous

Take in the added flavor

Can somebody explain how companies add certain flavored to their food
processing. I can't quite understand the flavor "yellow" as much as
I am struggling to understand the "smoke flavor added" to this. It
reminds me a bit of getting with some skanky chick and when she opens
her legs it smells like the Fulton Fish Market. You don't know what
you are dealing with until your knee deep in carp
I feel like they throw a burnt Marlboro into a can of bumblebee and
call it smoked salmon

Take on the subway station walls

With all the fare increases the MTA keeps jamming down New Yorkers
throats like they are Traci Lords, you'd think they'd at least clean
up their spunk. Even though they have never been known for being
even remotely clean, the subway stations have really gotten so much
nastier.

The station up on 175th street look like a homeless person wiped his
ass over the walls and it is absolutely disgusting. Maybe get one of
your red-coat greeters to get out of their little booth and spray the
walls down with some fantastic

Take on the blue plate

You know that when you get stuck behind a light with somebody driving
a big American boat with blue plates, you are in trouble. The light
will eventually turn and the geezer behind the wheel will not notice
and you will be stuck waiting as it turns yellow and then eventually
red and the entire time you are convinced the guy is probably dead and
it not, maybe he should be
Here is a novel concept.. If you were born before the Great
Depression, we probably shouldn't renew their license and there is no
way to identify them then by their scarlet -or should I say blue-
letter

Take on the MetroCard expiration date

I walked into the subway the other day after not having taken the
train regularly in six months and met one of the most ridiculous
messages I've ever gotten when I tried to swipe through..."card
expired"

With all the energy in strap-hanger cost structures the MTA is now
putting into getting people to refill their old cards isn't it a
perfect time to also get rid of those ridiculous expiration dates?
I have a card with $50 but because it hit some random date, my $50 now
disappears. It's not like a carton of milk which can go bad, we're
talking about a piece of plastic which the tree huggers will tell you
probably won't disintegrate for a millennium
My issue is that the card in my wallet is fine, it still has a
completely intact magnetic stripe and except for the expiration date
would still works. looking at it and knowing how often I'd use it
now, I would think that it is probably usable for another six months
but who cares what I think. It's either a conscious decision from the
MTA to rob people of their hard earned money or it's a completely
idiotic design flaw
Ever notice they don't add an expiration date to dollar bills?

Take in men in tights

There really is no reason a heterosexual man should ever leave the
house wearing full length spandex but apparently half of the upper
east side if NYC didn't get that memo because I sae more buldge than
anybody should walking around Central Park the other day. Dudes can
wear sweats, jogging pants, shorts or even jeans for all I care when
they go for a job around the park but should never ever be caught dead
in tights

Why a dude want to have pants on that basically shove his sack up to
his five hole is beyond me Not only can that just not be
comfortable, you look like a total dork doing it. If I had a son I'd
teach him three rules: dudes should never sit while the pee, shave
their pubes or ever wear any form of stretch pants.

The good news is that there will be a inevitable form of natural
selection because of this, so hopefully this look only lasts a single
generation

Take on the used and abused undershirts

When I was in my early thirties, it seemed I had a wedding every other
weekend. What these weekends usually entailed was anywhere between
$300 and $2000 in expenses depending if it was local of a destination
wedding, a miserable hangover and for the weddings of my closest
friends (and a few who I am not that close with) a ripped Haynes
undershirt.
I am 37 now and don't have any weddings coming up where I envision
needing an old v-neck for a revival of the totally embarrassing JBJ
experience which leaves me with a major dilemma....what am I going to
do with these yellow tainted undershirts I have piled up?
Donating them seems sort of rude, throwing then away seems a bit like
a waste and keeping them is sort of gross as they are riddled with
holes and stink

So I have decided to do what any seasoned traveller would. I have
collected them all and plan to bring them with me to China next month
and dump them after wearing then. This will mean my suitcase will
get lighter everyday which on a 9 day trip with 5 different hotels
seems like a fantastic way to travel sensibly. It will also allow
me to answer my long standing dilemma of having no idea what to do
with my sweaty gym shirt along the route because keeping it in a
plastic bag for three days is a recipe for mold


The only issue could be that these shirts have seen their better day
and u have already admitted they have that ingrained sweat
stench.....but don't forget I'm going to China, so it might be an
upgrade

take on the personal grooming on public transit

there aren't too many things I find more disgusting than when I see somebody grooming on public transit and it's time these people get called out for being the foul animals they are.     I don't know if it because the subways and buses are seen as moving garbage dumps but what possesses somebody from using them as the place for picking their teeth or cutting their nails is beyond me.  The thing is that this is the kind of activity which really seems to be concentrated on one specific social and ethnic group (I'll let you decide who I mean but they include the same kind of people who find it acceptable to spit on the street on Mott street) but it's not limited to them.    I see trashy white chicks do it, fat Puerto Rican's are frequent culprits, toga wearing middle easterners,  black women and all south-east Asians can be fingered too and or homeless people this might actually be step up in terms of class...but most of the time when you get a piece of tooth gunk on your shirt, I'd venture to guess it happened somewhere on the D train before you get into Brooklyn

Take on the foreign visa part 2

I guess one day of bitching wasn't enough because standing on line at
the Chinese Consulate is really hell and it gives you a lot of time to
complain. Between the endless lines and the ridiculously rude and
pushy people, it's a wonder anybody ever visits the country but even
that isn't my complaint

How the hell do countries get away with basically charging $150 for a
visa? With what is essentially an entrance fee, going to China has
become like going to Disney World without the big doofy mouse, with
worse food and a just a bit more smog
But what really got me was that I was getting visa's for two travelers
and paid radically different prices

EU passport $45
US passport $146

I get that this is a big F-U to the US because we make it difficult
for their citizens to come over here but to charge three times what
you would charge a European is ludicrous

I'd say I'd stop buying anything made in China as a protest but I'd
only biting of my nose to spite my face.

Take on the foreign visa

As I stand on the line at the Chinese Consulate, something just hit me
like a case of bad shrimp. I get to the front of the line after
standing there for a good hour and have to explain the concept of the
Western calendar to the girl working on the desk. She kept telling me
that I could not get a 12 month visa since my passport would expire
before that. I explained that since today was March 6th and my
passport was valid until the end of April 2014, that this was not much
of an issue. She finally relented after my impromptu class of western
calendar 101 but it just shows again how frustrating this entire
process of getting a visa is. Gotta love the barriers countries throw
up to prevent you from visiting there. And don't even get me started
about the $150 fee they jam you with

Take on the intense nose blow

My life is Terrible

I have so many random ailments but the worst one seems to be the one I
have the least control over

Usually when you blow your nose most people's biggest fear is getting
snot all over their shirt but that isn't my issue. My issue is that
I blew my nose so hard yesterday that I think I inadvertently shifted
a tooth over and I've been dealing with this intense headache ever
since
The bad thing is that this headache is like caffeine withdrawal
except you can't have cup of coffee to make you feel any better...but
what is worse is that I am afraid I have to go to the dentist to get
my teeth set straight again

Take on Doggie Day Care

There are a few things in this world which really seem like white
person's problem like the new Maroon 5 CD being delayed, Whole Foods
being sold out of organic apples and stressing to get your dog the
best day-care. It's pretty obvious that people have too much money
which is pretty obvious when you see these ads for Doggie Day Care.
I cannot imagine a Chinese person spending their hard earned money on
something as dumb as doggie daycare. I get needing to make sure that
Sparky doesn't chew up your couch but you can send the mutt for
obedience school or lock him in a mud-room or basement. If you really
are concerned about the pooch being lonely then get another dog but I
cannot imagine spending my hard earned money to drop $100 a day for a
group of doggie teammates for beating your dog off every workday

Take on the minimum CC amount

There is no worse feeling than when I walk into a store and realize I
have no cash. It's not that I am addicted to cash, it is that I
despise these minimum credit card amounts. Last week at the
bagel-shop I got a coffee and a bagel and left with two seltzer
waters, a pack of gun and a kinish. I like seltzer and gun and
everything but definitely didn't go in expecting to spend $10 on
breakfast which exactly what happens when you are stuck with these
minimums

I get that these stores are charged something from the evil
merchant-service people and from what I understand these minimum CC
charges was part of the fine print in the Dodd-Frank Bill as a
giveback to business.

But maybe instead of turning my $3 into a ten-spot they can charge me
whatever the CC company charges them ($0.25 I guess) for the service
of using a card and letting me decide whether I want to pay the
surcharge or instead buy a bunch of crap I didn't want

Take on the modern kid's lunch

As I was preparing my daughter's lunch yesterday, it hit me how much
times have changed

In her BPA free lunch container, I packed a hormone-free, nitrite and
nitrate free, oven roasted cage free honey turkey sandwich with
artisan cheese topped with humus on a seven grain whole wheat roll. I
put an organic white-grape juice with no added sugar box packed in
recycled cardboard in her lunch box and then added an organic apple
and packed some roasted seaweed for her snack.

I used to walk out of my house with a bologna and mayo sandwich with a
Hi-C... Times have changed

take on Miss Delaware

When I read that Melissa King, Miss Teen Delaware had abdicated her throne after it was revealed that she may or may not have starred in a porn I had an obligation to the TOR universe to investigate.   Of course my first course of action involved a little detective work because anybody who frequents the tube sites knows that ones labeled "teens" feel like a tremendous trap.   I was able to confirm that she was 18 at the time and then the hard work started.

Our review (of the first 4 or 5 minutes of the video)

This has to be one of the least inspired first attempts at breaking into the adult film business of all time, her indifference makes Paris Hilton come across as an 18 year old Samantha Fox .  I can proudly claim to have seen Fox's first move into this genre and it was much  nothing like Melissa King's which felt as sexual as a trip to Target.   

Our review of the final 7-8 minutes

I cannot believe that Duke had the court stormed on them again, Coach K looked like he was about to beat somebody with his unit when he was done trying to get out of that war-zone.   I'm all for a big celebration after a big college victory but I swear some drunk 18 year old  is going to get decked at one of these things shortly and all of a sudden a McDonald's All-American will be serving time

We digress... anyway we feel that it might be time for TOR to give new aspiring actresses some help when it comes to their first venture into this for of art.

We don't care if you aren't really into it, but don't make it obvious.   There is nothing that is a bigger turn-off than when we see you turn your head off camera to look at something (think Marco Rubio with fake D's and not wearing pants)..   We need some commentary from you.. you know the standard fare "it's so big"  "I'm so wet" etc.   We need a few grunts and at least 4 or 5 moans per minute so that our fantasy doesn't feel like it's happening in a acoustic bubble.    We need at least four positions, we need you to make eye-contact, we need you to be well groomed (and bleached), we need your hair-pulled, we need less him and more you, we need you to look like you've been stuck in a dessert for a month when you a slurping on his dong, we need you to look like you've been stuck in a dessert alone for a year when he's crunching down on your beaver and we need you to ride him backwards and forwards so we can see both angles.  We need a bit of a story-line and it's gotta be somewhat believable, we need decent lighting because nothing looks worse than something that looks like my basement as a kid.   We need you to take it like it will determine if you live or die (think Hunger Games)  and please God we need it raw.. nothing worse than shaking hands with gloves on.