Take on the androgynous hot chick

There are two of three big female celebs who I am convinced are
packing heat and if they are not there should be no way a heterosexual
man would want to stick his dinky in her pinky

-Wendy Williams is to a hot woman like Wendy's is to a nutritious
meal. You get a couple of calories but if they'd let you, you'd barf
the second you look behind the curtains. Wendy Williams probably has
a Harry Reems size dingy under those Target dresses.

-RuPaul. My buddies Tommy C and Norman Z used to argue with each
other how hot she was, not even realizing they were on the same side.
one being convinced she was the second coming of Halle Berry and the
other just hoping to cover her in juices and berries. I never had the
heart to tell them but I'm still convinced they each ride that black
locomotive

-Chyna. Dude that is a man and even if it's not close. No chick
should have bigger traps than you and in her video she very clearly
has a little Korea in her pants

- Nicki Minaj. Here is something I don't get.. This chick looks like
Arsenio Hall yet the entire world seems to be going gaga over her.
She's got a 40 foot billboard in Times Square and gets crazy airtime
on that crappy singing show but there is no doubt that the only thing
bigger than her fake t!ts are her real balls. That chick has a more
masculine face than every Asian I've ever met and an Adam's apple like
she swallowed them.
I am sure that when all is set and done, they find out that she has
Mariah beat in fake cup size and Randy beat in the other cup size

Take on the Dress Code

There are many things I am quite happy to not have to ever worry about
and the top of that list is ever getting stuck in a place with a dress
code
I walked past the Lucky Strike bowling alley today and saw all the
things not permitted and honestly it may as well have said "no black
people allowed" because the blatant racism in their dress code sign
was pretty obvious. The first thing was no baggy jeans then no MC
colors (whatever that means), no athletic gear (because so many white
dudes are wearing sweats), no work boots and finally no hats with an
exception of baseball caps (read beanies)
I am not here to defend anybody but that is about as blatant as it
gets. Not a lot of white dudes wearing sweats? Timberlands, beanies
and baggy shirts is my guess

take on the Berenstain Bears Christian Series

I used to love the Berenstain Bears and now my daughter does too.   But somewhere between the original authors Jan and Fran dying and the son Michael showing up and taking over the franchise they took a turn for the worse.   Whereas the original theme of the series undeniably had underlying Christian Values they now have become an o over-the-top Christian cheer-leading squad    

The other day, unbeknownst to me, I started reading one of these overt faith based titles and was gagging on the pomposity of it all

I get the thought of teaching a kid right-from-wrong but this jam it down your throat overt Christian bull is just sickening..  

Stick to titles like The Berenstain Bears and the Messy Room or The Berenstain Bears Go out for the Team with subtle Christian crap but keep the over-the-top stuff out of my wholesome household...and if you really want to teach kids a lesson that is important to their own safety maybe it's time for The Berenstain Bears and the Creepy Priest where Papa Bear comes over and punches Father Grizzly in the mouth for playing pawsees with Brother

take on the Chinese Pig problem

I can't tell you how excited I am to be travelling to China in 10 days... not just because my air-quality app keeps notifying me that the air-quality is somewhere between "moderately polluted" to"unhealthy" which actually isn't so bad considering it was "hazardous" a month ago..  

But what I'm really excited about is the 14,000 dead pigs they've found floating in some river right outside of Shanghai..  the good news, for me, is that I don't dig on swine, so the chances of me chopping down on one of those swine-flu pigs... the bad news is that i'm sure I'll be eating a ton of the three-eyed fish that comes out of that same river so my death may be only slightly delayed.

then again, that might be the least of my worries if I accidentally drink the water or touch anything.. I may start convulsing immediately 

Take on the tourist bus

Can somebody explain the appeal of one of those indoor bus tours where
you get 80 fanny-pack wearing hillbillies from Wichita to pay $100
each to sit in traffic throughout Manhattan. At least those red buses
are hop-on hop-off, so you can get off the death trap if you realize
your driver has a death wish or more likely you are sick of staring at
the same Times Square sign for the fifth red-light. These new ones
offer stadium seating facing out of one side of the bus...which also
means you can't see anything that is happening on the other side, so
if your bus driver ends up driving south on the West Side Highway, you
get a great view of 12th avenue and no view of the river

Take on the tournament

The last week in March is one of my favorite weeks, not so because I
love college basketball because you couldn't pay me to watch Florida
vs Missouri on a Saturday in January (although I would watch on a
Saturday in October)
But there is something great about the tournament, the excitement, the
heartache, the Cinderella's and the powerhouses. I love filling out
my bracket, love checking ESPN throughout the day and love gambling on
commercials between games.

What I don't love are the guys who go chalk with their brackets. I
get that anybody is free to do anything they want, but a guy taking
Duke, NC, Florida and Michigan State on any given year should be hung
by his little high pitched diaper dandy testicles

But really that is the best part about the tournament, as my buddy the
Bump will often say...the premier event of the college basketball
season and that little ACC fraud is nowhere to be found




Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Halls hidden messages

Has anybody noticed that Halls cough-drops are now not just made in
China but also come with some old sage life lessons. It's like
unwrapping each cough-drop is like cracking open a fortune cookie with
such life-changing advice as "tough is your middle name" or the
equally lame "flex your 'can do' muscles. This has the kind of
cross-over appeal as RuPauk
I don't know who they are appealing to but when I have a sore throat,
the last thing I want is some testosterone induced Yoda advice

Take on the wine labels

I don't drink a lot of wine, mostly because when I do, I usually feel
like a bird shat directly into my mouth so I am far from schooled on
the nuanced differences of one vineyard vs another. I am the type of
consumer who looks at the label and tries to make my best guess using
only the name on the front and the description on the back and
honestly I may as well do it blindfolded because my hit-rate is
somewhere near Mike Francessa's NFL picks. I am happy enough when I
can tell a Merlot from a Cabernet, so then to also have to pick on
vineyard, or god-forbid year, is a challenge I am not wiling to take
on
Today, I walked in to get a bottle of red for my FIL who like me could
care less about the label, the price or the type and walked out with a
bottle of DrySack which I assume is a warning to a guy who drinks too
much of it, his sperm count drops to nothing.

Take on the cab to the burbs

There are a thousand reasons why living in the suburbs blows donkey
including realizing you live in the lamest level of strip-mall hell.
But with all that, there is nothing worse than needing to negotiate a
cab-fare from the airport. If you live in the five boroughs, your
life is pretty good cause you get into the can and pay whatever your
meter reads when you get out. The problem is that when you need to
get to the burbs, the cabbies pull out this ridiculous book with the
prices Carmel charges. First of all, if I wanted to pay Carmel
prices, I'd call 666-6666 and get into a Towncar. This now becomes a
miserable negotiation because if it's busy at the airport, he's got no
reason to come off this fare quote. Yesterday the guy said my fare
would be $92 plus tolls and tip which would run you almost $150 which
considering it cost me $74 to get out there pretty ridiculous

Take in the added flavor

Can somebody explain how companies add certain flavored to their food
processing. I can't quite understand the flavor "yellow" as much as
I am struggling to understand the "smoke flavor added" to this. It
reminds me a bit of getting with some skanky chick and when she opens
her legs it smells like the Fulton Fish Market. You don't know what
you are dealing with until your knee deep in carp
I feel like they throw a burnt Marlboro into a can of bumblebee and
call it smoked salmon

Take on the subway station walls

With all the fare increases the MTA keeps jamming down New Yorkers
throats like they are Traci Lords, you'd think they'd at least clean
up their spunk. Even though they have never been known for being
even remotely clean, the subway stations have really gotten so much
nastier.

The station up on 175th street look like a homeless person wiped his
ass over the walls and it is absolutely disgusting. Maybe get one of
your red-coat greeters to get out of their little booth and spray the
walls down with some fantastic

Take on the blue plate

You know that when you get stuck behind a light with somebody driving
a big American boat with blue plates, you are in trouble. The light
will eventually turn and the geezer behind the wheel will not notice
and you will be stuck waiting as it turns yellow and then eventually
red and the entire time you are convinced the guy is probably dead and
it not, maybe he should be
Here is a novel concept.. If you were born before the Great
Depression, we probably shouldn't renew their license and there is no
way to identify them then by their scarlet -or should I say blue-
letter

Take on the MetroCard expiration date

I walked into the subway the other day after not having taken the
train regularly in six months and met one of the most ridiculous
messages I've ever gotten when I tried to swipe through..."card
expired"

With all the energy in strap-hanger cost structures the MTA is now
putting into getting people to refill their old cards isn't it a
perfect time to also get rid of those ridiculous expiration dates?
I have a card with $50 but because it hit some random date, my $50 now
disappears. It's not like a carton of milk which can go bad, we're
talking about a piece of plastic which the tree huggers will tell you
probably won't disintegrate for a millennium
My issue is that the card in my wallet is fine, it still has a
completely intact magnetic stripe and except for the expiration date
would still works. looking at it and knowing how often I'd use it
now, I would think that it is probably usable for another six months
but who cares what I think. It's either a conscious decision from the
MTA to rob people of their hard earned money or it's a completely
idiotic design flaw
Ever notice they don't add an expiration date to dollar bills?

Take in men in tights

There really is no reason a heterosexual man should ever leave the
house wearing full length spandex but apparently half of the upper
east side if NYC didn't get that memo because I sae more buldge than
anybody should walking around Central Park the other day. Dudes can
wear sweats, jogging pants, shorts or even jeans for all I care when
they go for a job around the park but should never ever be caught dead
in tights

Why a dude want to have pants on that basically shove his sack up to
his five hole is beyond me Not only can that just not be
comfortable, you look like a total dork doing it. If I had a son I'd
teach him three rules: dudes should never sit while the pee, shave
their pubes or ever wear any form of stretch pants.

The good news is that there will be a inevitable form of natural
selection because of this, so hopefully this look only lasts a single
generation

Take on the used and abused undershirts

When I was in my early thirties, it seemed I had a wedding every other
weekend. What these weekends usually entailed was anywhere between
$300 and $2000 in expenses depending if it was local of a destination
wedding, a miserable hangover and for the weddings of my closest
friends (and a few who I am not that close with) a ripped Haynes
undershirt.
I am 37 now and don't have any weddings coming up where I envision
needing an old v-neck for a revival of the totally embarrassing JBJ
experience which leaves me with a major dilemma....what am I going to
do with these yellow tainted undershirts I have piled up?
Donating them seems sort of rude, throwing then away seems a bit like
a waste and keeping them is sort of gross as they are riddled with
holes and stink

So I have decided to do what any seasoned traveller would. I have
collected them all and plan to bring them with me to China next month
and dump them after wearing then. This will mean my suitcase will
get lighter everyday which on a 9 day trip with 5 different hotels
seems like a fantastic way to travel sensibly. It will also allow
me to answer my long standing dilemma of having no idea what to do
with my sweaty gym shirt along the route because keeping it in a
plastic bag for three days is a recipe for mold


The only issue could be that these shirts have seen their better day
and u have already admitted they have that ingrained sweat
stench.....but don't forget I'm going to China, so it might be an
upgrade

take on the personal grooming on public transit

there aren't too many things I find more disgusting than when I see somebody grooming on public transit and it's time these people get called out for being the foul animals they are.     I don't know if it because the subways and buses are seen as moving garbage dumps but what possesses somebody from using them as the place for picking their teeth or cutting their nails is beyond me.  The thing is that this is the kind of activity which really seems to be concentrated on one specific social and ethnic group (I'll let you decide who I mean but they include the same kind of people who find it acceptable to spit on the street on Mott street) but it's not limited to them.    I see trashy white chicks do it, fat Puerto Rican's are frequent culprits, toga wearing middle easterners,  black women and all south-east Asians can be fingered too and or homeless people this might actually be step up in terms of class...but most of the time when you get a piece of tooth gunk on your shirt, I'd venture to guess it happened somewhere on the D train before you get into Brooklyn

Take on the foreign visa part 2

I guess one day of bitching wasn't enough because standing on line at
the Chinese Consulate is really hell and it gives you a lot of time to
complain. Between the endless lines and the ridiculously rude and
pushy people, it's a wonder anybody ever visits the country but even
that isn't my complaint

How the hell do countries get away with basically charging $150 for a
visa? With what is essentially an entrance fee, going to China has
become like going to Disney World without the big doofy mouse, with
worse food and a just a bit more smog
But what really got me was that I was getting visa's for two travelers
and paid radically different prices

EU passport $45
US passport $146

I get that this is a big F-U to the US because we make it difficult
for their citizens to come over here but to charge three times what
you would charge a European is ludicrous

I'd say I'd stop buying anything made in China as a protest but I'd
only biting of my nose to spite my face.

Take on the foreign visa

As I stand on the line at the Chinese Consulate, something just hit me
like a case of bad shrimp. I get to the front of the line after
standing there for a good hour and have to explain the concept of the
Western calendar to the girl working on the desk. She kept telling me
that I could not get a 12 month visa since my passport would expire
before that. I explained that since today was March 6th and my
passport was valid until the end of April 2014, that this was not much
of an issue. She finally relented after my impromptu class of western
calendar 101 but it just shows again how frustrating this entire
process of getting a visa is. Gotta love the barriers countries throw
up to prevent you from visiting there. And don't even get me started
about the $150 fee they jam you with

Take on the intense nose blow

My life is Terrible

I have so many random ailments but the worst one seems to be the one I
have the least control over

Usually when you blow your nose most people's biggest fear is getting
snot all over their shirt but that isn't my issue. My issue is that
I blew my nose so hard yesterday that I think I inadvertently shifted
a tooth over and I've been dealing with this intense headache ever
since
The bad thing is that this headache is like caffeine withdrawal
except you can't have cup of coffee to make you feel any better...but
what is worse is that I am afraid I have to go to the dentist to get
my teeth set straight again

Take on Doggie Day Care

There are a few things in this world which really seem like white
person's problem like the new Maroon 5 CD being delayed, Whole Foods
being sold out of organic apples and stressing to get your dog the
best day-care. It's pretty obvious that people have too much money
which is pretty obvious when you see these ads for Doggie Day Care.
I cannot imagine a Chinese person spending their hard earned money on
something as dumb as doggie daycare. I get needing to make sure that
Sparky doesn't chew up your couch but you can send the mutt for
obedience school or lock him in a mud-room or basement. If you really
are concerned about the pooch being lonely then get another dog but I
cannot imagine spending my hard earned money to drop $100 a day for a
group of doggie teammates for beating your dog off every workday

Take on the minimum CC amount

There is no worse feeling than when I walk into a store and realize I
have no cash. It's not that I am addicted to cash, it is that I
despise these minimum credit card amounts. Last week at the
bagel-shop I got a coffee and a bagel and left with two seltzer
waters, a pack of gun and a kinish. I like seltzer and gun and
everything but definitely didn't go in expecting to spend $10 on
breakfast which exactly what happens when you are stuck with these
minimums

I get that these stores are charged something from the evil
merchant-service people and from what I understand these minimum CC
charges was part of the fine print in the Dodd-Frank Bill as a
giveback to business.

But maybe instead of turning my $3 into a ten-spot they can charge me
whatever the CC company charges them ($0.25 I guess) for the service
of using a card and letting me decide whether I want to pay the
surcharge or instead buy a bunch of crap I didn't want

Take on the modern kid's lunch

As I was preparing my daughter's lunch yesterday, it hit me how much
times have changed

In her BPA free lunch container, I packed a hormone-free, nitrite and
nitrate free, oven roasted cage free honey turkey sandwich with
artisan cheese topped with humus on a seven grain whole wheat roll. I
put an organic white-grape juice with no added sugar box packed in
recycled cardboard in her lunch box and then added an organic apple
and packed some roasted seaweed for her snack.

I used to walk out of my house with a bologna and mayo sandwich with a
Hi-C... Times have changed

take on Miss Delaware

When I read that Melissa King, Miss Teen Delaware had abdicated her throne after it was revealed that she may or may not have starred in a porn I had an obligation to the TOR universe to investigate.   Of course my first course of action involved a little detective work because anybody who frequents the tube sites knows that ones labeled "teens" feel like a tremendous trap.   I was able to confirm that she was 18 at the time and then the hard work started.

Our review (of the first 4 or 5 minutes of the video)

This has to be one of the least inspired first attempts at breaking into the adult film business of all time, her indifference makes Paris Hilton come across as an 18 year old Samantha Fox .  I can proudly claim to have seen Fox's first move into this genre and it was much  nothing like Melissa King's which felt as sexual as a trip to Target.   

Our review of the final 7-8 minutes

I cannot believe that Duke had the court stormed on them again, Coach K looked like he was about to beat somebody with his unit when he was done trying to get out of that war-zone.   I'm all for a big celebration after a big college victory but I swear some drunk 18 year old  is going to get decked at one of these things shortly and all of a sudden a McDonald's All-American will be serving time

We digress... anyway we feel that it might be time for TOR to give new aspiring actresses some help when it comes to their first venture into this for of art.

We don't care if you aren't really into it, but don't make it obvious.   There is nothing that is a bigger turn-off than when we see you turn your head off camera to look at something (think Marco Rubio with fake D's and not wearing pants)..   We need some commentary from you.. you know the standard fare "it's so big"  "I'm so wet" etc.   We need a few grunts and at least 4 or 5 moans per minute so that our fantasy doesn't feel like it's happening in a acoustic bubble.    We need at least four positions, we need you to make eye-contact, we need you to be well groomed (and bleached), we need your hair-pulled, we need less him and more you, we need you to look like you've been stuck in a dessert for a month when you a slurping on his dong, we need you to look like you've been stuck in a dessert alone for a year when he's crunching down on your beaver and we need you to ride him backwards and forwards so we can see both angles.  We need a bit of a story-line and it's gotta be somewhat believable, we need decent lighting because nothing looks worse than something that looks like my basement as a kid.   We need you to take it like it will determine if you live or die (think Hunger Games)  and please God we need it raw.. nothing worse than shaking hands with gloves on.

Take on the Stephen A and Ryan Ruocco show

If there is a worse pairing in the history of sports-radio than
Stephen A and Ryan Ruocco, I have yet to hear it. I get that Stephen
A. rubs some people the wrong way but even those who hate him realize
he is a huge personality and pairing him with Ruocco who has the
personality of a house-plant is just painful to listen to. I don't
know what it is but Stephen A. grows on you like a weird looking mole
and after a while you kind of like him. Ruocco on the other hand is
like a stray hair which you hardly notice

I am convinced that it's only a matter of time when Ruocco just
disappears and it would do nothing to the show because in two hours he
gets less than 5 minutes of total airtime. ESPN Radio realizes it
because if you have noticed every commercial they run for this show
only features Stephen A. ranting and raving about God knows what and
often never even has a single second of Ruocco.
The beauty of Stephen A. is that he actually has conversations with
himself. He asks a question and then proceeds to answer it in a
different vocal tone, it's like listening to the internal dialogue of
a mental patient...but it makes for good radio

Just look at their official online promo ad, it has Stephen A's name
in bold print and Ruocco's in standard font. I am surprised they
don't change the "and" to "with"

There is one thing I am absolutely convinced of, if they dropped
Ruocco and replaced him with Robin Lundberg tomorrow, nobody would
notice INCLUDING Stephen A.!!!!

Take on the souvenir penny machines

In 37 years of life, I still have yet to see the appeal to those penny
souvenir medals at the gas stations along the turnpike. I get that
kids may like them as souvenirs for trips to Disney World or maybe
from the boardwalk but to get one at the Woodrow Wilson service
station seems a bit odd

But my bigger question is how is this legal?? I thought that you were
not legally able to destroy American currency? Isn't this the reason
that people are always hoarding wheat pennies as they are banking on
the US government to eliminate pennies this allowing people to smelt
them down for the copper content?

Somehow these guys making the penny souvenirs are getting around
it...and charging $0.50 in the process

Take on the smaller gyro container

When I picked up my dirty-gyro from my favorite street cart today I
was majorly conflicted. My environmentally conscious self was happy
to learn that they'd moved to a smaller container which means that
less waste would end up in landfills. My financially conscious self
was not nearly as impressed. The smaller containers might mean less
landfill waste but it probably also leads to less gyro inside my
belly.
My health conscious self is probably the most conflicted. Less gyro
with white sauce, red sauce, green sauce, BBQ sauce and gyro flavored
sauce might be a good thing unless it leads to a partially full belly
which may lead to non gyro snacking

take on the horsemeat scandal

The entire world seems to be consumed with not consuming any horse-meat and today IKEA  was the next big place to fall when it was revealed that they too have traces of horsemeat in their advertised pork and beef balls. I get that people are up in arms about this as having any company pull the old bait-and-switch is despicable but what I don't get is why the horse is seen as the kind of animal you can't eat while the cow or the pig are completely fair game.  Most of the time you hear about companies doing this to save money but is horsemeat really less expensive than hog-meat.. that crap is like $10 for a living-room full.

I had dinner with some people over the weekend and as we were ordering, it was noted by one of the people at our table that she didn't like to eat cute animals.. I get that mentality because who the hell wants to be chomping down on feline meat after seeing some Youtube video of a cat chasing a hairball down the hallway but where exactly does it stop.   A calf is pretty cute, a frog is kept as a pet by countless prepubescent boys, why is it OK to eat a cow who seems to have a lot of personality and serves a dual purpose by also giving us milk but eating a horse is completely sacrilege?

So I'm wondering why anybody gives that much of a crap about this entire scandal.. doesn't seem like anybody makes a big deal about the supposed crab-meat they get on their seafood salad on poppy seed bagel.

Take on the Bjorn

Spend two hours doing any physical activity and you are bound to feel
it the next day, be it swimming, running, playing squash or even
walking but I never thought the activity that would cripple me would
be parenthood. I'm not talking about fighting off a kid in full
temper tantrum mode but rather just the simple act of carrying around
a six month old.
With all the advances in modern science, I cannot believe we are still
stuck with the baby bjorn...or as like to call it the back knife.
Wearing this thing is like asking your four hundred pound high school
buddy to walk on your back. This thing wears like a brassiere, feels
like it should not just hold a baby but distribute their weight but
when you actually spend 10 minutes wearing it you realize why there
are so many swedish chiropractors in this country. Basically the
Swedes have come up with this concept of wrecking our backs with their
child carrying systems and then fixing them under the guise of MD.
It's like the tire companies in Brooklyn who always seem to be set up
on a part of 4th avenue with a perpetual pot-hole problem. You just
know that when you walk past their stores at 3 in the morning they got
a guy with a jackhammer staining two blocks in front it it ripping up
the road

Take on the running shirt

All the running magazines always talk about an expiration date for your sneakers.  Basically after x amount of miles, sneakers lose their spring and a runner trying to avoid injuries should replace them.  The tricky part is that an active runner can burn though 3 or more pairs of sneakers per year and most of the time he should replace them before they look worn. 

If I were the editor of Runners World, I'd expand on that theory and make my next feature about the need for an expiration for running shirts.   I theorize that, just like sneakers, after about 1000 miles, a shirt should be retired because at some point you can't wash the stink out anymore.   Sweat gets so imbedded into the shirt that it the shirt basically becomes one of those hyper shirts that change colors when there is body heat, a shirt you've sweat 150 hours in, starts to stink as soon as it is exposed to your body heat.   Not pleasant while on the treadmill at the gym

 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the bathroom at the Y

I hate public restrooms with a passion and that hatred has only grown
since I became a father.
Just last week while taking my daughter to swim-class at the local Y,
my hatred boiled over. We were in the boys changing room when she
told me she had to pee. The issue is there was only one stall in the
boys room along with about three urinals but since she is a girl it's
out only option. (Girls change in the boys locker room when they are
with their dads). With the class about to start, we were a bit
anxious because the door to the stall was locked. We wait for five
minutes which feels like forever to me but an eternity to a three year
old who has to go
Finally the door opens up and some 35 year old dude walks out and the
bathroom reeks to high-heaven. I confront him as I take my girl into
the bathroom why he, an adult, was using the boys locker room. He
claimed to have been confused and gotten himself into the wrong locker
room which seems unlikely because the place is packed with
pre-pubescent boys

So not only do I have to worth about her picking up some disease by
even walking into it, we also have to now wear a gas mask to cover the
stink of a homeless man

Take on Chipolte

Is there a less pleasant thing to eat than the Chipotle burrito. I am
not complaining because I like a hardy lunch as much as anybody but
when I had a steak with everything out on my desk today I heard a
thump. Just lifting this thing is like curling a 10 pound weight, you
can't hold the thing with one hand because it is bigger than your head
and I'm not taking a chance spilling it all over my work pants

So if you are looking for 1500 calories in a single sitting then walk
over to Chipotle and hope you don't bust your pants-seat

Take on the LinkedIn deceased guy

I fired up my LinkedIn account a few months ago as I was preparing for
an industry conference I am hosting. I did what most people who
haven't been on for a while do including filtering thought the dozens
of requests for people I'd gotten over the last year or so. The issue
I had wasn't so much about accepting or rejecting requests but more
about the people who I knew had died. I had at least 3 requests from
people who I knew fairly certain had died and now I was left to make
an awkward decision.

I was pretty sure if I rejected them and they were still alive it
would be some pretty nasty karma and maybe their page had been set up
as a memorial where I could send some condolences.
I'd also find it awkward if they all of a sudden found out I rejected
them especially cause in all three cases they were pure business
contacts of people who worked for customers of mine
But worse yet would be if I accepted the invitation because now
everybody in my circle would read that I just befriended a dead guy.

Take on the take-out tip line

One of the thongs i hate most in this entire world is the presumptuous
tip-line that take-out places add to their credit card receipts.
Nobody in their right mind is tipping when they are buying a couple of
to-go sandwiches so this is a complete waste of ink and time in the
best case and a shake-down in the worst case.

Even if you were going to tip, I could see throwing the guy making my
turkey and cheese sandwich a couple of bucks but why would I feel any
need to tip the chick at the register?
Maybe I am just pissed because I once accidentally added 20% to my
take-out of Mexican food because I wasn't paying attention

Take on the celebrity endorsement

I never quite got the appeal of all those celebrity photos hanging up
at restaurants. Whenever I see one, I always assume that it just
means that this place is openly acknowledging that if they have a
choice that I will be waiting longer for my grilled cheese than
another paying patron. I get the appeal if having Derek Jeter
endorse a baseball glove, a bat or a box of condoms but do not believe
he has any particular insight when it comes to a cheeseburger

I have been going to this deli for 15 years and have spent $5000 in
food there yet the only way my ugly mug makes it anywhere near the
register is if I bounced a check.

Take on the Starbucks reusable cups

Starbucks has starting this new program to try to limit waste -and
gaining positive press- by offering reusable cups at a $1 surcharge.
Supposedly these things will pay for themselves by discounting the
price of refills by $0.10 but the issue is one of cleanliness and
convenience. One of the reasons to go to any kind of takeout is so
you don't have to do your own dishes but with these reusable cups you
are almost forced to at minimum rinse them out because otherwise
you'll surely have a mold flavored latte next week

Taking on the muni-meter rates

When I stopped in the town square to drop off some dry cleaning I
happen to notice something was odd. It took me a second but quickly
realized that there was something funky about the muni-meter rates

$0.50 for one hour
$1.00 for two hours
$2.00 for three hours
$3.00 for four hours

So unlike anything else in the world, they parking rates increased the
longer you stayed

You go from paying on average $0.50 per hour if you stayed for one or
two hours but get bumped to $0.67 per hour of you stay for three or
$0.75 hour if you stay for four. This is not to mention the fact that
staying the exact allotted time is best impossible, so you are almost
always paying for time you are not using for fear of going over by 30
seconds and being penalized with a $50 parking ticket

Nice way of stimulating the local economy by enticing people shop in your town.

Thumbdown

Take on the lottery winner signs

I never quite understand the signs outside of Bodegas and magazine
stands that tell you that they had a $200 scratch off winner. Of you
are to believe that these things aren't a total sham then the chances
of you winning has nothing to do with where you buy to ticket
especially if in the pick6 or the powerball you are picking your own
numbers.
So safe the paper and let a little sunlight into your magazine stand
cause I am no more likely to throw $10 down the toilet at your store
than at any other one

Take on @espngreeny

I've been following Mike Greenberg on Twitter for a few months
probably because he drilled his handle into my head by his endless
repetition of it. Overall, I find his tweets to be rather non
confrontational, non threatening and usually not deep enough to plant
a bean which mirrors his on-air personality but is fine with me.
What I do have an issue with is his recent blast of emails promoting
his new book which I imagine will also be rather full in terms of real
thought provoking material but probably a good enough read if you
were stuck on a feces infested cruise ship. I hope the book sells
well mainly because all his proceeds gave been promised to the V
foundation
What my real issue is the self-righteousness of his tweets with him
signing off on every one of them by telling anybody who comes across
them that he is donating his proceeds. A long time somebody said
that the only true form of altruism is when it's done anonymously and
having even the slightest bit of self awareness is obviously beyond
the Green-man. This self glorification back padding is sickening
especially when it's done four or five times per hour

take on the SOTU

We watched the State of the Union Address with bated breath yesterday just waiting for that water-cooler moment... little did we know that we'd have to wait until Marco Rubio's Republican Response to get anything worth talking about at all..   Rubio, who some are calling the presumed front-runner for the 2016 GOP ticket pulled a Bobby Jindal on his biggest stage and we at TOR think his sweating, water-chugging and facial tic-ing may have torpedoed his chances at the highest office in the land

We did have the following observations throughout the night

Joe Biden's pink-eye was really distracting, if you are going to rub your eye after wiping your ass, please wear an eyepatch

Boehner licking his lips and wiping his face like he was waiting to dig into a huge bucket of KFC was more than a big creepy

John Kerry really looks like he needs to groom his ear-hair and eyebrows, nobody is going to take him seriously dressed like father from American Pie 

Sandy Levin wears a ridiculously long tie looks like he's trying to cover up some piss-shaking spots

Somebody has to tell the Speaker that wearing one of those button down shirts with the buttons for the collar when wearing a suit is a fashion faux pas

John McCain looking like he just won the lottery in one second and like he's going to kiss a man the next

Janet Napolitano looks way too much like Miss Piggy to wear pink

Eric Holder looks like he could be a character in The Americans

Michelle Obama gets way too much credit for being so well dressed, she looks like an uncomfortable teenager and she's got a terrible haircut 

Chuck Schumer looking PSS (ParkSlopeSmug) in his orange tie and 'just give me a BJ already" grin

Ruth Bader Ginsberg- may just have dropped dead, she was definitely drooling although it was better than last year when she fell asleep

Just because Sonia Sotamayor and Elena Kagan have the exact same political view does that mean that they have to have the same haircut too?

Eric Cantor always looks like he smuggling a tire-iron in his five hole

We never got a view of Ted Nugent but I did see a picture of him sitting next to the gayest, most liberal congressmen in the entire house.. 

Susan Rice has some terrible eye liner, she looked like Marilyn Manson meets The Little Mermaid

Obama's fist bump with conservative congressman  Manchin was a bit too much bipartisanship for my flavor 

Nancy Pelosi has a really terrible haircut, she looks like she got it done by the guy who cuts the hair for Cindy Lauper

but of course the most memorable part of the entire night is Marco Rubio looking like a complete sex offender 

Take on the Olympic's dropping wrestling

I just read that the Olympic committee has decided to drop wrestling as one of their core 25 sports starting in the 2020 Olympics.   I can't claim this will affect my viewing pleasure as I have never watched a single wrestling match not involving a turnbuckle but still find this appalling as it plays to the pussyfication of out society.   Wrestling has been a staple Olympic sport for neatly 200 years and has ties to original Olympic sports yet the IOC drops this and keeps sports like ping-pong and badminton as a core-sport?   It is very obvious that the IOC is trying to help boost TV rating in China by making sure the two sports which take no actual athletic ability are included.  This is such an obvious kiss-up so they can dominate these lame events and pad their medal count.  I cannot consider any activity which I used to play in Omar Elkassir's basement an Olympic sport.   

The other sports that made the cut over wrestling include:
Sailing, which has such a rich Olympic history that I didn't even realize it was an Olympic event,
Canoeing which is sort of like rowing except you do it on a river with a case of beer and a fishing rod and
Equestrian which is really no better than having the Westminster Dog Show as part of the Olympics

Part of the reason they slated wrestling for omission was because of problems with doping within the sport which is fine except when you consider they are keeping cycling as a core sport....cycling the sport where literally EVERYBODY dopes

Oh and guess which sport is looking to replace wrestling....golf.   

Sent from my iPhone

Take on The Americans

I won't bore you with a review of the new blockbuster show on FX
leaving that to people better equipped to do so. I can tell you that
the show has tremendous promise and through the first episode I'm
hooked and there will be people analyzing the character development
and storyline and they'll do it better than we ever could.

What I will give you is my criticism of something I am equipped to;
for a show whose own commercial at the SuperBowl was one of the most
talked about around the water cooler the next day, they sure have bad
commercials during their show I guess this is what you get when your
show is on FX but the types of infomercial ads for weight-loss
tablets, some type of pregnancy belt for non pregnant chicks and
commercial with Joe Theismann for super-beta prostate were brutal.
How can I take a show seriously when it feels like the only companies
supporting it are the local Nissan dealer and a vacuum sealing storage
system

So I'm hoping that not only the show continues to be solid, but also
that the commercials improve because I'm about to shoot my TV.

Taking on sea sickness

I generally hate boats and not because they always seem like unneeded
status symbols. What I hate about them is that I get onto one and I
almost immediately feel like I am going to puke. Generally I get over
that at some point in the ride but the first second are a bit dicey
that is unless it's stormy outside and then it's a miserable two or
three hours for everybody
But what is worse is that I get seasick on the docks if there is any
kind of movement which considering I take the ferry to work is not the
best combination. But I am not willing to take Dramamine before going
to work so instead usually just puke on my neighbors shoes when he
isn't looking

Take on the perfect driveway

I feel like every time it snows there is a race for who can get their
driveway cleaned the quickest. I'm an early riser and was out at 8:30
this morning to only find i was the last one on the block. But being
last isn't my biggest complaint it's the people who feel like they
can't leave a single snowflake un-shoveled. The only way to get that
done is with a toothbrush.

This is the misery of the suburbs, constant competition for the most
mundane events.

Take on the slots

I'm not a huge gambler but will usually allow myself a hundred bucks on a yearly trip to Vegas.  I'm not sure why it doesn't really do anything for me. I do like some of the card games although i can only really stomach it for an hour before i am either broke or bored.  but 

what I really do not enjoy are the slots, I know there are millions who can spend a week in front of the one-armed bandit but I really feel that the electronics have ruined the experience.   Walking around Vegas there are hardly any machines with an actual pull-handle and the ones that do still require you to press a bunch of buttons which seems so counter to what Vegas should want as it slows the entire process down

But what I really hate is the fact they don't pay out in coins anymore.  I am sure there are a thousand reasons that these machines now dispense paper coupons instead of coins including cost of maintenance and not needing thousands of quarters but I feel cheated when I hear the artificial coin-dropping noise instead of using actual coinage to make the music

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Taking on the rolling carry on

I travel more than most people I know having been Platinum on Delta
for five years. Having spent that many hour at the airport, I've
figured out ways to speed through security, found some decent spots to
kill some hours during the inevitable delays and can usually spot the
best spot in the Delta lounge where you can get a few minutes of peace
and quiet
What I haven't figured out is a proper way to pack for two days. Get
me on a week trip and I stuff my roll-onwith shirts, jeans, running
sneakers and a few work pants but get me on a one-nighter and I
struggle. I don't want to bring a big half-full roll-onfor one night
trip and as a business traveler I can't imagine bringing a backpack.
I've had a few over the shoulder bags but you walk though enough
airports and realize those are annoying so I finally settled on a
small roll-on. Problem is there is no way to look cool pulling a
chick's carry-on behind you

But I am not beyond looking like a fairy if it means I don't have to
lug it over my shoulder

Take on the Saturday mail

There aren't many things that made more sense to me than the US Post
Office deciding that in order to stay solvent they would cutback on
Saturday mail. I'm nit making that comment because I care all that
much about the post-office but rather because it just means one less
day of getting junk mail. Out of the 30 or so pieces of mail I get
per week, there probably is one thing I genuinely care about so
limiting the amount of times I need to walk to my recycling bin works
for me.
I have heard all the arguments for the post office -try personally
delivering a letter across the country for $0.45- but I think it is
time to realize that the usefulness of the USPS may be waning. I,
for one, pay all my bills online, get no magazine deliveries and only
very occasionally send letters so the entire concept of mail seems
antiquated and resource wasteful. For me and probably for a majority
in my generation, I would suggest cutting back even further and moving
to a three day delivery week.

take on the apology

When I got an apology from some vendor we buy some stuff from on occasion I really scratched my head.   The vendor is responsive, offers a solid product and has reasonable prices which to me is usually a recipe for success especially for an item that you buy only once in a while.   The weird thing is that this week they went from a vendor I pay no mind to, to one that annoys me and the funny thing is that they were the ones that did it to themselves.

See today I get an email into my inbox which has "an apology" in the subject line.   I open it up and it's some long winded email about them having accidentally sent the same email about some great sale twice.   They go on to explain how much they value our business and how nobody likes too much unsolicited email..   the problem was not  the apology that annoyed me, it's the fact that they followed up at all.   I never would have realized that I got that sale-email twice, having just deleted them both without even opening them but when they sent the apology one they drew attention to a situation which could easily have gone away.    I have now wasted my time reading an apology for an offense I hadn't noticed.

it's like people who reply-all to complain that everybody is replying to all.

Take on dog-owners

One of the things I hate about living amongst other people is how
absolutely selfish those with dog are. I know that 99% of dog-owners
probably are but the 1% of those who are not really should be
shot...or at least be put into a pit with a bunch of ravaged pit-bulls
But what is almost more ridiculous are those signs people hang up
saying "no poop zone". I get that home-owners have little defense
when it comes to poop-and-run types but I really doubt that somebody
who has such little moral fiber that they would leave a heaping pile
of dogshit on a stoop will see a little sign and think. "Maybe I
should clean this up"

Anyway, I propose that anybody caught not scooping the poop should be
forced to clean the street with their toothbrush

Take on the FindMyFriends app

I was in the App Store this week and came across one of the most
popular apps out there called Find My Friends. I get that social
media is all the rage at this point and this comes across as the next
major one with the twist of apparently being a gay-hookup angle
NTTIAWWT.
From what I can tell, this is an app to see where a couple of dudes
can meet up without having to talk or anything which sounds like an
awesome concept and I'm only pissed off because the hetro version of
this would have been $$$ back when I was single. Then again when last
I was single the Motorola Razr was the best phone

Take on Groundhogs day

Is there a dumber holiday out there than Groundhogs Day? For the
life of me I cannot figure out what the hell thousands of people do
out on a freezing cold day in the middle of nowhere to check out some
rodent to determine the next two months of weather. I swear to you
the to this day I still don't know whether he is supposed to see or
not see his shadow to signify more winter and quite honestly I don't
care to waste even three brain cells to remember which is which

The only positive thing is obviously the fact that you get Bill Murray
playing over and over again for 24 straight hours

Take on the only in Chinese signs on the subway

As I travelled on the F yesterday I caught two signs for what I can
only imagine was some kind of transit information for Chinese New
Year. I say "only imagine" because neither of the two signs were in
English. I understand the concept behind a bilingual message board
especially when it pertains to a cultural holiday but really can there
not at least be one sign in English??
I'm not one of these guys who believes that we should shun our
non-English speaking residents but it pisses me off that the MTA
doesn't make any effort to include the non Asian speaking riders for
this valuable information

Maybe I need to travel to Flushing next weekend and if so I would have
liked to have been made aware of any possible transit disruptions

The other thing that pissed me off was that lady's ugly hat