Take on BountyGate

When the NFL came down on Sean Payton, Mickey Loomis and Gregg Williams for bountygate, our first impression was that it felt a bit harsh although it was completely deserved.    I never got the impression that these guys taught their players to be dirty as much as they preached it in pregame.   Now that might be a very thin line and honestly I don't care that much (except for the fact I recently traded for Drew Breese on my DCup Winning Fantasy Football team and his value may take a hit without Payton) so at the end of the day I thought it was what the NFL had to do to in anticipation for 1000's of lawsuits they are likely to face in the next few decades from former players with lasting effects of head-injuries.

Today Roger Goodell doubled down and suspended Jonathan Vilma who was the ring-leader inside the locker room along with a couple of other guys  most of whom actually don't play on the Saints anymore including Anthony Hargrove (now on the Packers), Scott Fujita (now on the Browns) and Will Smith (now staring in M2BIII not to be confused with former Cowboys running back)..    The issue I that Goodell waited until after the draft to suspend these guys.    Obviously they were all suspensions that were at least expected, NFL teams spend an entire year preparing for the draft and not having this information in stone before the draft could really alter the way a team approaches it.   That may be a fine punishment for Vilma and Smith who still play on the Saints since it happened on the watch of that team's administration but for Fujita and Hargrove giving the Packers and the Browns a little notice would have seemed more than fair.   Then again the Packers probably figured it out before hand and had their draft-board adjusted accordingly and really the Browns can't get out of their own way so it probably wouldn't have mattered much.

The person who is probably saddest is Colt McCoy because had the Browns known they lost Fujita they probably would have passed on the geriatric QB and drafted defense with that pick…

take on 98.7 ESPN Radio

When ESPN radio announced last week that they were going to move ESPN NY radio to 98.7 on the FM dial you could feel the excitement in the on air voices as they described the events which they claimed would be the biggest story in sports-radio since the breakup of Fatso and Fruitloops.  The blogosphere immediately jumped to the conclusion that the Yankee radio rights were well on their way to Bristol South.    From Michael Kay to Mike and Mike to the Godfather to Stephen A, the place was bouncing off the walls as they felt that with the more powerful signal they could finally take on WFAN in a fair fight and take their shot at dethroning the Fat man.   Along with the new station and promised improved signal they also rearranged the on-air 'talent' by  adding Patrick McEnroe who is one of the least funny people ever, flipping a few hosts around and pairing Stephen A with either Ruocco or Lundberg which is like trying to enjoy a baloney and cream-cheese sandwich.     I was excited because I love the mind numbing effect of sports-talk but my euphoria was short lived when I turned on the radio on Monday morning at 12:01AM to hear Stephen A commemorate the new ESPN.  Most people might thing that the thought of Stephen A was the downfall but in this case that wasn't the case, the problem was has to do with being on 98.7.   Not only does the FM format just not work for talk, there is almost too much you hear but more importantly the signal was terrible in Brooklyn, I got dribs of talk mixed in with drabs of static especially if I wasn't holding my walkman at a certain angle.      

Maybe this is a 'Brooklyn' problem but really if you are going to lease these airways for a decade at a cost in the mega millions, wouldn't it behoove you to at least drive around the city with your radio turned on to make sure that your listeners in Coney Island or Bensonhurst can get the signal? 

The company line was that with this new 98.7 signal, ESPN radio would finally be able to reach a bigger audience but there was one thing that always bothered me about that, your reach is so much further with the low-frequency of an AM station.    I've been able to listen to WFAN as far north as the Killington Vermont, caught it as far West as Akron Ohio and a buddy used to listen to Captain Midnight on his balcony in DC but when you get out from a 40 mile radius of the tower you completely lose the FM band which is the reason you can't get Z100 or 104.3 anywhere outside of the immediate NY area.  So although ESPN might have improved their signal in Morristown NJ or Belerose Long Island you lose your audience anywhere north of New Canaan or south of Sunset Park.       

So they either didn't do enough research or this wasn't about reaching a broader audience, this was about converting the 1050 signal to ESPN deportes which I'm all for but sadly not at the expense of my own listening pleasure.    There is just no way that the entire Yankee empire is going to allow their radio signal to be carried on a bandwidth that doesn't reach to the bleachers..   if their radio broadcasts sucks they want it to be because of Sterling not in spite of him 

Taking on the Grand Opening

To me you can take credit for a grand-opening for about 2 months after
which you have to be able to survive on quality ad service. I drove
past a place today which I swear has had those red-white-blue flags
hanging off their awning since 2009. I am not sure if it driving
business or just laziness that has kept it up but for those of us who
notice these things this is a bigger red-flag than those 'grade
pending' signs in the window. If they are too lazy to pull it down
there is a chance they are also too lazy to wash their hands and if
they are keeping it up for another reason maybe they are just trying
to elude the health-inspectors because they assume it's a brand new
business which might have a grace period for health grading.

Taking on Nigeria's rank as third fastest growing economy

I cannot tell you that I honestly know anything about Nigeria other
than that I have no interest in visiting and that I've been smart
enough to steer clear of almost all the scams. So when I saw the
headline about Nigeria being the third fastest economy in the world
(http://www.bellanaija.com/2012/04/12/how-can-nigerias-economy-be-the-third-fastest-growing-economy-in-the-world/)
I thought God there are a lot of stupid people out there.

Even this growth is not on the back of grandma's social security, I am
not convinced it's based on real legitimate anything First of all
when you are starting from nothing, any growth looks exponential since
GDP measures in percentage growth but more importantly it does not
matter how much they grow because even if it was legit, your economy
will never soar until people are willing to invest in you and I can't
imagine any guy running a 401k being able to convince anybody it's a
good idea to send their life savings to a bond invested in Nigeria.
Regardless of how legit it's an issue of word association with scam
and Nigeria and would be like trying to sell a beautiful cruise around
the waters of Somalia

Take on the commish

I've already watched 2 days of NFL draft action and feel like I've
learned more about hugs than about production. Years ago the
commissioner would greet players with a firm handshake and then pose
for an awkward picture but now every dude who gets drafted immediately
feels the need to hug-it-out. Maybe they are all just trying to get
in good with the commish because chances are a bunch of them will come
in front of Goodell for punishment after some kind of late night
incident.
We tried to identify the first player who first shunned the
professional handshake to instead get frisky with the commish and our
best guess was that it all started by Ndamukong Suh whose relationship
with the commish is not great but maybe that hug has kept him from the
total Goodell-wrath. But honestly it's getting ridiculous with the
hugging... The next move is gonna be some tight-end grabbing his ass
or a long snapper French kissing him, then again maybe the commish is
just checking them for weapons and weed.

Take on Dan Smith

If there is somebody who has done a better job of marketing himself
and his craft than even Joseph Smith ever did. The thing which is
the most amazing is that (at least from the flyer), this dude looks
like he's 24 so this is apparently the most stress free gig out there
I mean you do what you like, you can stay true to yourself and you
make a living And really what does it take... The entire business
model is that you hang up a couple of flyers around Union Square and
on walls of coffee shops and before you know it before you know it you
are a staple in NYC like Spike Lee at a Knick game, Fireman Ed and The
Naked Cowboy. I was wondering that maybe it was due time for him to
franchise. One dude can not possibly cover all that ground and be
expected to teach generations of kids how to jam I can see it now
Dan Smith's across the city teaching guitar to snot-nosed kids and
wannabe Bucketheads. Why stop there, how about Dan Smith in Buffalo,
Dan Smith in Orange County, Dan Smith in Taipei all teaching basic
cord progressions and bad solos..this could really have some legs

Take on the winner of the Best Diner Competiition

I have worked in New York City for 16 years and for 16 years I have
walked past a diner on 9th avenue and 43rd street which except for one
thing is fairly non-descript The diner seems fine although I don't
recall ever eating there but what is most memorable about it is a huge
tarp sign above it's awning about being voted Best Diner in Manhattan
by The Daily News. This sign has to be 1000 square feet big and only
gives very a vague description of the award although it does thank the
customers for their support.
The issue is that they've had this sign up for at least a decade and
it's an absolute eyesore but that isn't even the biggest problem we
have with it. First of all it is very unclear who actually voted on
this thing; was it some exhaustive thorough undertaking by highly
acclaimed food critics, was it conducted by the regular Daily News
Staff or was it some lame reader survey with 50 responses because
without knowing this, the award is worthless to me. When it comes to
diners I may actually trust a bunch of newsmen over a food critic and
definitely over it's patrons. Diner food is about grease, coffee,
quantity and speed and nothing else. Cleanliness, quality of meat,
wine pairings and healthy options take a back seat and we all know the
ballot boxes get stuffed of you leave it to the general population to
decide

But more importantly there has to be some statute of limitations when
it comes to these awards, this thing has been up for most of my adult
life It's due time for either The Daily News to award a new winner
or if they have, it is time for this joint to hang up a new sign
because it's been hanging around off 42nd street for longer than a
bunch of guys I went to high-school with and it looks just as beat up.

Taking on the phantom message

For the last 4 days whenever I look at my IPhone there is a little "1"
over the message icon which should indicate that I have one unread
text message. The issue is that when I open up the messenger app,
there are no unread messages and although I am well aware that the
icon is wrong, i still feel a constant need to check it. So like a
mental patient, I am stuck in this viscous cycle of checking something
I should know is not there. I thought Apple was supposed to be beyond
this

MLIA

Take on Newt

Looking at the paper today, I came across a headline Newt Gingrich hints he could quit presidential race.   I swear that I looked three different times at the date of the publication because I could have sworn he dropped out a month ago but apparently he is still very much in the race..if by very much in you meant in the hole.      The article goes on to say that his campaign is nearly $4million in debt which just sounds ludicrous.. Why anybody spend good money to have Newt run for president is beyond me.  Apparently he is still getting some campaign donations which is like having somebody set the dinner table as the Titanic goes down…

My buddy The Bump made an interesting point “i have little faith in the voting public.  the fact that people actually wasted overpriced gas to drive to the local elementary school to cast a vote for Newt Gingrich or Rick Santorum for PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES blows my friggin mind.”

I get that he wants to be represented at the convention but his conservative ‘causes’ will probably be well represented by Santorum anyway and the way this campaign has gone, I wouldn’t be surprised if his invitation to Mitt’s party gets lost in the mail or they send him directions to the wrong location  

Taking on jorts

I'm not sure what looks worse, skinny jeans or jean shorts but when
you combine the two they do not follow mathematical logic of
multiplying to negatives to get a positive. I was in the park this
weekend and was shocked to see that the hipsters had already stamped
the look of summer 2012 all over the neighborhood.
Last year they had mustaches, the year before they had 80's neon and
before that were ugly raybans but honestly this takes the cake

The issue here is the the look isn't just bad, it also takes away from
the reason you wear shorts which is to let things air out a bit.
Instead these idiot hipsters are standing around with their balls
squeezed up against their taints while also having their quads covered
like they're sporting leather pants

Taking on patience

There was that great Seinfeld episode about searching for parking
spots with George explaining his working theory where he first tries
his own block and then expands with larger and larger concentric
circles. Obviously this ia ridiculous in a place like NYC where good
free street-parking spots are at such a premium that I myself have
often not gone out in fear of losing a good one.
Although i realize driving around the block is pretty much worthless
and for somebody who spent an extra 20% to buy a hybrid a complete
contradiction but as much as I have a passion for keeping our planet
green, my lack of patience is almost as powerful

I feel like looking for a parking spot has to be an active activity,
probably mostly because if it was a passive exercise could you really
bitch about it?
I am so wired that I cannot ever just sit and do nothing, I must at
all times be at minimum multi-tasking. I always try to sit in my car
on a block waiting for a spot to open up and it always ends within 2
minutes when I lose patience and start making my concentric circles
and just hoping beyond hope that normal logic is defied and a block
full of open spots magically appears

Take on Nicki Minaj

I have absolutely NO idea who Nicki Minaj is, I think I’ve heard her name mentioned a few times and figure she’s either a pop or a reality star but from the one picture I saw of her she looks a lot more like Miss Piggy than she does Kylie Minogue.     I just look at this picture and think to myself that this is a train-wreck who should have stayed with her training bra because she is beyond weird looking.

I just don’t get what happened to people admiring normal beauty… these chicks out there now are so pumped full of silicon, estrogen and Botox that they all start to look cartoonish..  Christian Aguilera is the prime example of this.. she was a cute flat-chested girl when she asked us to rub her genie bottle but now she looks like somebody stuck the tube of a helium canister up her ass and turned the valve to 11  

Take on iMessage

I said a long time ago that when somebody figured out how to match BBM, that this would be the final blow to the blackberry.   So when the newest iSO came with iMessage i was sure that the Iphone had it all    IMessage unlike standard texts are sent over data so the cost is much lower theoretically (although virtually everybody has an all you can eat text plan by now) .    Where the real savings can be realized is when traveling overseas where sending an international text message is completely cost prohibitive.  Buy as much as I love saving money, the conversation feel including knowing somebody received your message and knowing when they are replying really appealed to me

Honestly for a few months it finally seemed like the last hurdle to Apple's answer to RIMM had been cleared, you realize it doesn't work like BBM.   The problem is that there are tons of times when I send an iMessage, click on another icon and go about my business only to find out an hour later that there was message failure. The beauty of sending over data is also it's downfall because whenever you are in a crowded area (I work around the corner from Times Square) or only in service for a short period (think crossing 14th street on the subway) it just doesn't work

My IPhone is smart enough to try to send as a text but that only makes it more confusing since you do not know if it was sent or delivered which is what the beauty of iMessage is supposed to be

Sent from my iPhone

Take on New York's Bestest

How insecure a public workforce do we have that every one of them needs to be constantly put on a pedestal?    Not only are we constantly reminded of their hard-work and dedication by the media and government officials but they all have to have little motto's so you can't possibly forget them.   Cops are the finest, the firefighters are the bravest, the correctional officers are the boldest, I think the garbage men I think are the cleanest, the sheriffs are the first, the teachers are the brightest and the EMS guys are just the best.  Obviously this all means nothing because just donning a uniform doesn't make you brave or clean or bold, it's the acts they do while there that might allow them to deserve it and there are plenty of great cops, brave firefighters and smart teachers but I'm not exactly sure why the other guys all need mottos too.

But yesterday I noticed another for the list, although not exactly a motto it was another lame ego stroke for some dude who has job-security, great benefits, offered plenty of overtime and probably only qualified to do that exact job.    Running down the street, I spot a new sign underneath the bus-sign instructing bus-drivers to turn off their busses while parked.  Obviously I'm all for this as there is no reason to pump any extra carbon monoxide into my lungs but what got me was that they preempted this very sensible message with "MTA Bus Drivers, Best and Safest in the World.'   This feels like the hot-dog stand that claims to serve the world's best bratwurst.   But this isn't some lame promotion; this is professional verbal felatio for these bus-drivers.   Explain to me how they define the best, these busses routinely run late, seem to break down all the time and cause a ton of headache to other motorist although from my very limited experience they are probably a lot less grumpy than the NJ Transit ones.  

 

I'm just waiting for the newest motto for New York's Viagra popping generation.. New York's Hardest

 

take on the TV giving ahole

I totally had a TOR moment a few weeks ago which seemed so ridiculous that it didn't even occur to me to post about it but when the same event was creeping up again, I thought it was time to set the record straight.    A few weeks ago a friend who will remain nameless asked me to help her pick up a TV she got free at her friend's house.   Now I don't live all that nearby so it took a few weeks to get arrangements made but when I showed up on a nice Saturday afternoon, I knew I was in for a treat.    We drive about 5 blocks to her friend's house, go up the elevator, ring the doorbell and walk into the apartment.    There in the middle of the room sits said electronic appliance and quickly you find out why they are giving it away..  This isn't one of those super new, ultra thin jobs but one of those ridiculously heavy ones, honestly this thing must weigh 100 pounds and is the shape of a refrigerator.    I walk in and the dude and chick who live in the place hardly get off the couch to say hello (mind you they are very good friends of the person I'm helping)..   I size up the scenario and quickly figure out that this is going to be a one-man job..  I squat down, pick up the TV and almost instantly feel like something is going to pop..either my groin, my knee, my back or my jeans.   As I finally get the thing centered, I start stammering towards the exit and as I walk towards the door the dude graciously takes the cord and throws it over my shoulder while the chick opens the door.   The door closes before I even get my sense of direction in the hallway.   I finally make it to the elevator with sweat pouring down the face and sharp pains shooting down my sciatic nerve, press the button of the elevator with my knee and finally get some relief when I'm able to lean this thing on the handle-rail in the elevator..  I schlep the thing off the elevator, through the front doors of the luxury building, down a few ornate steps and finally into the trunk of my car.

Now as annoyed as I am that I just spent 20 minutes on a beautiful Saturday lugging a 10 year old TV around knowing you could probably buy a new flat-screen out of China for $300 what really annoyed me is that the dude in the place didn't so much as offer to help.   I get that he feels his good-deed is giving away this TV but it's not like I'm the recipient of the good-deed since he knows very well that I'm not getting it since it's going to our mutual friend.  I'm not expecting him to drop it off at my place but I also could never imagine having a friend-of-a-friend's show up at my house to pick up anything and I don't so much as offer to get the elevator for him if not insist I help carry the thing to his car.    I was shocked he even got off the couch to throw the wire over my shoulder

Luckily for me, the TV which has been sitting in my garage in storage now is needed and will be picked up tonight by a different dude all together..  I guarantee I'm outside tonight helping to lug this thing into a trunk and probably will offer him a cold lemonade

take on the megadeth chick

When I caught the following article online yesterday I just shook my head in amazement

One metalhead is apparently turning to Craiglist to find out who her baby daddy is.

In a post entitled, "Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert?," someone claiming to be a 28-year-old woman posted a graphic message on the site's "Missed Connections" section looking for the man she had sex with in the bathroom of Chicago's Aragon Ballroom.

"Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee-high black biker boots. You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings," the post said.

"I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom," it said, before continuing into a graphic description of the X-rated encounter.

"Anyway I'm pregnant. It's yours. Contact me if you want to be part of your child's life."

Craigslist sensors pulled the post sometime late last week, but not before several blogs, including music magazine Fuse, picked up on it.

Megadeth and Motorhead played the Aragon Ballroom on Feb. 10

Obviously our first thought is that this can't possibly be true… first of all… I don't think you'd find 5 chicks at a Motorhead concert and the ones who do probably have an umlaut on their yo-yo's.    But even if we were to believe that this is could happened..when a  skank who drops her drawers for some dude with a pentagram and a viper piercing  she can't possibly expect him to respond based on a Missed Connections note and set himself up for two decades of child-support..  then again when you sport a red Mohawk and you split your tongue in two, maybe you are also dumb enough to respond to this kind of call for help

If nothing else.. if there was ever a case to be made for forced sterilization these two should probably be whisked to the front of the line like they are carrying a Delta platinum card..

 

you also got to love the NY Daily News editors with their "Craigslist sensors" reference.

 

Take on the gas-pump latch

The vast TOR readership in jersey (hey bump) probably will tune out
of this as this is an issue they will never face but for those of us
who have to go through the indignity of the labor of pumping out own
gas. One thing I cannot stand (and don't understand) is why NYC
gas stations have all removed those little bump tracks in the gas
handle which allows you to start pumping gas and keep the flow going
automatically so you aren't forced to stand there like some kind of
yoyo pulling on a handle.
I am sure there is some nanny state law designed to protect consumers
against the NYC's astronomical prices but really I prefer to get
screwed by the pump if I can spend 3 minutes checking my email

This might be the last straw that brings me back to Jersey!!

Take on the Comedy Awards

On the subway I caught a sign for the 2012 Comedy Awards and saw some of the nominees who included Jason Bateman, Amy Poehler and Jennifer Aniston who collectively are as funny as a sack of potatoes.   Then i see Woody Allen and Jerry Seinfeld who although legendary aren't nearly as funny as their written big and small screen characters.   I see Owen Wilson who is like bad pizza, everybody assumes that even bad pizza is still better than no pizza but when you actually try it, you wish you had stuck with your no carb diet.    Now the Comedy Awards do have Louis C.K. who unlike the rest of the crew is legitimately funny but the rest of the team seems like they should be hosting a comedy funeral 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the realtor school double speak

Anybody who has spent anytime looking to buy a home will have
inevitably come across this quandary: by law realtors are my allowed
to speak about the quality of schools in the area which you would have
to think is a pretty important criteria when it comes to trying to buy
a home.
They can talk about commute times, property tax rates and cost for
sewage but when it comes to education they are mum which for anybody
moving to a new area will mean that they are forced to spend many
hours to try to research on their own. Isn't this one of the reasons
you get a realtor in the first place to help navigate you through the
difficulties of all of this? This is like enacting a law that says
a waiter can't recommend a bottle of wine or a pasta dish

Take on the NFL draft

Walking past 42nd and 6th yesterday, I looked up and stared at the NFL
sign advertising the upcoming draft. The banner showed all the
#1picks over the las decade....every pick with the exception of one.
They had Cam, Eli, Carson and even Alex Smith. There is room for
David Carr but the more I stared at it the more it looked like
something was missing. Somehow they 'forgot' the 2007 draft class,
you know the one between Jake Long and Mario Williams and for the life
of I couldn't figure out who it was. I racked my brain: Matt Ryan
(no), Reggie Bush (no), Keyshawn Johnson (nope)

Then I realized who was missing and it made all the sense in the world

take on Facebook's tipping-point

There was a headline on CNN today screaming 'when did Facebook become so uncool' based on a CBN News report with the CNN columnist trying to pinpoint the exact time when Facebook jumped the shark..  I'll go a step further and say it didn't just jump-the-shark, it got eaten by the shark, regurgitated, eaten again and then shit out.   The columnist theorizes that it might have something to do with FB collecting personal information but I really don't see this as that big an issue.. most people realize that the interwebs aren't safe for personal info.

What really was the turning point was when every 60 year old mother joined it, it became the antithesis of cool.    I've stopped using Facebook about a year ago and honestly don't miss it at all.  When I ask friends who still check regularly they mention that there are less-and-less people who are posting on a regular basis which probably just makes the people who continue to post more prominent and thus more annoying which then turns more people off.   I said this a year ago, Facebook is on a downward trajectory regardless of what numbers they release showing growth in users..and they are smart to cash-out now.

The funny thing is that its unlike every example in  the Tipping Point book.   In Tipping Point they talk about kids in the Lower East Side wearing hush-puppies but when it got really popular they were already off to a new fad.    The funny thing with Facebook is that the original crowd (the kids who were in college about 5-10 years ago) are still the ones on this thing, it's the people like myself who are now about 15 years removed from college who have given up which I guess has left the FB landscape littered with a giant generational gap with a bunch of 20 somethings posting right next to a bunch of 60 year old women.

Anyway you cut it..that doesn't sound like the kind of crowd that I hang with so I'm pretty content to shut that noise off all together.  

take on MadMen Season 5

Through the first three episodes of season 5 of Mad Men, I have to say I'm somewhat disappointed with the trajectory of the characters..  I thought the third episode was defintely better but mainly it just reminds me of how much more it used to be.  Maybe the slow churning has some merit but since the characters are well developed at this time, we just want to see more time in the office, more sex and lies and more Don.  

The biggest problem is the pussyfication of Draper.. he seems to have lost his drive since he was able to put the Dick Whitman stuff to bed a few years ago with basically everybody knowing his full history..  His lack of interest in his work, the lack of fire in his belly and his tepidness drains the show of its main driving force which was always his ability to cope with it all and thrive.  Although we all like happy endings, they make for boring TV and seeing Don NOT banging a bunch of sleezy chicks makes him feel like a character on Friends.

whenever you take a strong character and try to soften him/her, it really takes a beating for the show  (see JR Ewing, Livia Soprano, Archie Bunker),... their flaws, internal struggles and vindictiveness is what makes them.. you take that away and their a shell of themselves, they lose their passion and you love the intrigue. 

A buddy took it a bit further, blaming not just the single character but the entire show and the fact they seem to be sitting on their laurels and are now completely afraid to take any risks.

Don Draper is an alcoholic with an addictive personality suppressed mommy issues and complete lack of accountability in his personal life.  Up to this point, the show pulled no punches and made him suffer the consequences of these character traits.  This season, the only consequence so far has been a bad dream?  Instead of struggling with these addictions, he's simply absolved by finding the right girl to soothe his weary soul.  Come on.  If someone doesn't get punched in the face, raped or called a n**ger soon, I'll be disappointed.

 

Take on Ergonomics

Walking into a plant this morning, I caught an ergonomic poster
instructing employees correct posture, lifting techniques and reaching
distances from a sitting position. Now I realize taking intelligence
for granted is probably a mistake but at what point do we allow our
people make their own decisions. We live in a nanny world where we
are told what we should eat, what we should wear and who we shouldn't
f$ck so I guess telling us not to reach more than 20 inches for a
piece of paper makes sense. But hat really annoys me is that it isn't
about safety, it's about liability
Next thing you are going to put or of these things in my bathroom to
show me the proper way to beat off

taking on the police baricade

I won't misrepresent myself by implying I know anything about police work.. I'm sure there are a ton of things that cops do which come as second-nature but there are a ton of things they tend to do which makes absolutely no sense to me.   The last few times I've driving across the Brooklyn Bridge into Manhattan, I've noticed one of those little three wheel police cars sitting in the left lane on the approach.  Now I may not know enough about racial profiling, crime scene investigation or following a hot-lead but I do know something about basic physics which means that if you have two lanes of traffic flowing onto an approach and you decide to block a part of one, you will get a bottleneck effect.  What this will mean is that there will be traffic which will backup all the way to Atlantic Avenue.  Now if there was a good reason for this like maybe the cops were doing some kind of check before the cars got onto the bridge, than I might see some value to it…but when the cop stationed to the job is just sitting in his tricycle jitney talking on a cell-phone than I guess I fail to see the value..

Take on Walmart

The concept of Walmart depresses me. Now don't get me wrong, I have
no issues when it comes to shopping there but there is something about
the place that doesn't sit right. It isn't because I have this need
to defend mom and pop stores, it isn't because I disagree with the way
they negotiate with their vendors drawing blood out of a stone and it
isn't even because of the work conditions if you looked all the way
down the supply-chain. What bothers me is that walking into a Walmart
is like looking into a mirror and the entire place just reeks of
desperation. It's a if somebody put out a casting call for the most
depressing looking people and asked them to show up at Walmart every
Saturday. Every customer either least 200 pounds overweight, grossly
disfigured or pulling around 8 snot-nosed kids The smallest size
pants they have are 42 waist, every pack OT chips comes in triple size
and there isn't a single person in the vegetable section
You couldn't get this many overweight people in a room if you paid
them in Snickers bars

Take on cablevision

I went to look at a house last week and although the location was
good, the layout worked for me, the yard was about the right size and
the price seemed fair, I passed on it. I just felt that for that
kind of money, I shouldn't be forced to make the kinds of concessions
that I'd be forced with. The first was a lack of a true fourth
bedroom, the second was the vicinity to a major road but mostly I
couldn't come to grips with the fact that the place was zoned for
Cablevision and I just will not support anything Jim Dolan touches.

Take on the unsavory neighbor

Up the street from us, a normal mom and pop local store got up and
left a few months ago. I don't quite remember what they sold or did
but what they were replaced with is memorable. The awning is a
combination of NYC Taxi yellow and Devil's redthe store front is
adorned with bright lights, a large blinking neon sign hangs in the
window and a scrawling sign screams both their business model and
their name 'We Buy Gold"
I've had this conversation with my brother in law a ton of times but
wh en your seemingly normal neighborhood gets a store that advertise
they buy gold, it is time to move. Any place whose entire hope for
sucess preys on people being in despair means you will never feel
quite right walking past it

I get that there is a lot of value in precious metals and just the
concept of a store willing to buy gold shouldn't be enough to scare
you off but like a check cashing place, an OTB or a Key-Foods, it's
not a good sign for real estate value.

Sent from my iPhone

Take on One Goh

When I heard about the tragedy at the Korean Christian college earlier this week, my first thought was ‘not again’.   I can’t figure out why schools seem to be the place where most of these mass-killings seem to happen whether it’s Columbine, Virginia Tech or this case.    This is just another terrible example of a lack of regard people have for human-life and it saddens me that it is starting to feel routine.  As terrible as this entire case is, the two other issues I have ar

-          The media coverage on this episode seemed to very subdued relative to the other ones.. maybe It’s because we’re getting numb to this kind of behavior but more likely I tend to think that because both the shooter but more importantly the victims tended to Korean Immigrants, it seemed like it was covered as if it happening in Korea.   It’s just a sad state of the national media when this scenario which is exactly as pointless as the VA Tech one was, gets none of the media attention.

-           The other thing that particularly bothered me about this is that the preliminary motive that were given for One Goh was that he was upset because people made fun of his accent..   There is obviously a national discussion about bullying happening over the last few months so this doesn’t seem outrageous..except for the fact that this dude is  43!!!     The other reasoning they find is that he was kicked out of the school for bad-behavior.. again this guy isn’t some 15 year old punk smoking butts in the boys-locker room.. he’s a middle aged man…

take on Shannen Doherty

I am disturbed by people quite often..most of the time because of direct actions, other times it has more to do with something they have very little control over but most of the time I'm disturbed by myself.    When I walked past a bus-stop yesterday and saw an ad for some new show staring Shannen Doherty..   now I should be disturbed by the fact I even noticed this thing or that I thought the dude in the ad looked a bit like Dylan, I may have been disturbed because I made a mental note that this was NOT on OWN but instead on WE but what really disturbed me is that I noticed she still cocks her head to the side because of that weird eye thing she's got going.     I remember when she posed for Playboy, I spent more time starting at her eyes than I did her T!TS because once you know one sits at about 2 O-Clock and the other at 9 O-clock you just can't see anything else.

But this chick has to be in her mid forties, has crashed and burned more times than Lindsay Lohan yet she still doesn't have enough confidence to take a picture head-on.

I feel for her because I also have a weird eye which is why I have that deceptively ugly look going which is hard to put your finger on but I can't remember ever holding my head at a 45 degree angle when I see a camera.

Take on the 'dead' battery

Sometimes you just have one of those days..  I get up this morning at 6AM, I shower, get dressed and walk down to the car at about 6:15AM to start it up and let it get warm as I put in a car-seat and clean out some crap from the backseat.    I turn the car off and go back in the house and return about 10 minutes later ready to head off.   Problem is that now the car won't turn on.. I don't hear clicking sounds and am not getting any impression that the battery is dead but just when I turn the key, the lights on the dashboard turn on but nothing else happens.    My first thought is a dead-battery of course but as I had just started it up 10 minutes later this doesn't seem plausible.

After some wiggling of the steering wheel it finally turns over and the engine is purring like a kitten..   of course this gets me out of my immediate bind of not getting to work on time but the bigger underlying issue remains which is that I now have a car which only starts if I press control-alt-delete.   

I bring it to the dealership for service and of course as soon as I get there and explain the issue, the service guy asks me to turn it on which…..of course it does without any issue.   We run through this exercise a couple more times and each time the car turns on as soon as the key is turned.   I swear to him that this happened earlier in the day and he says that he'd like to keep the car overnight and try it a couple of times throughout the day.

Obviously we know how this is going to end..    this dude calling me tomorrow to say they can't find anything wrong with the car, me picking up the car and then having it stall out on me on Thursday morning so I can head back to the dealership for the same circus act again.

Take on the Vonage cancellation ordeal

As frustrated as I was with cancelling my BOINGO account a few weeks ago, VONAGE trumped it today.    It's as if these companies are all trying to one-up each-other in making it difficult to cancel the service.   With Vonage I count 10 different attempts to thwart my effort to complete a simple cancellation transaction.

Obviously like any service, you can add any feature you want online but when it comes to cancelling service it involves an actual phone-call.      (attempt #1)

There are what seems like a hundred prompts before you can cancel the service.  (attempt#2)     

Then they spend some time trying to scare you with things like 'if you are not the primary account-holder' than you aren't able to make any changes (attempt #3)

They then give me that they are very busy and I may want to call later and say that I'm looking at a 5 to 15 minute hold time and say that it may be longer  (attempt #4)

They ask why I want to cancel the service and I tell them that I'm not using it and it's a waste of money (attempt #5)  he tell me he'll fill the request and be right back

Another 3 minutes on hold (attempt #6 hoping I just hang up before the transaction is done)

They ask what service I will switch to which I told him that I'd be keeping my cell-phone (attempt #7)

He says he has to process the request and that it should be another few minutes.. Another 3 minutes on hold (attempt #8)

The guy finally comes back and tries to make another attempt to keep me with their service by offering some kind of lame freebie (attempt #9)

I cut him off saying that I'm not interested and that I'm only trying to cancel the service

He then says I have to wait on hold for another 2-3 minutes so they can process the cancellation request (attempt #10)

The entire process on the phone was 12 minutes and 41 seconds which doesn't even count the 3 or 4 minutes I spent navigating their terrible website to figure out that I can't cancel it without calling

 

What ever happened to being OK with "your service is fine, I just don't need it please cancel it" and let me go on with my life.. I didn't hate your company before this, I just didn't need it at this point in my life.. I would have had NO issue signing up again before this phone-call but with this difficulty I am now LESS likely to use them again.

Take on the glare

As much as I live my IPhone, one issue they just haven't been able to
resolve is the act that on a sunny day, reading something on that
screen is completely impossible. It doesn't even need to be totally
clear and sunny because it's almost as if it this wing was designed
like a desktop...to be only used in doors

So forget retina display, more pixels OT whatever, somebody invent an
iPhone canopy

Take on the new Google Chrome ads

Google launched a new ad campaign with the MTA this week with
thousands of ads for the Chrome web-browser plastered across the
subways. Although Chrome has been around for five years apparently
not everybody is convinced ( or just too lazy to care), so Google is
back on the offensive
The ads taut all the advantages over Explorer which is kind of like
telling a Charlotte Bobcat fan that your team is better than theirs.
They talk about superior speed, efficiency and reliability but the
most common ads are ones touting the privacy feature within Chrome
which allows users to surf without accumulating any web-history. It's
probably the best feature but the way these ads portray the use of
incognito mode is completely ludicrous. The ad features some lame
comic strip about some kid knowing what crappy present his old man was
gonna get him after apparently seeing he'd been on some online
ecommerce site a few days earlier .

What is so ridiculous is that nobody is remotely fooled by this,
everybody knows that The incognito mode is used for one thing and one
thing only.....

Take on

It's 8:45AM and the D-Train is packed, hot and smelly yet this jack off feels like the entire ridership should have to listen to his personal concerto.   If 

there is something more annoying than standing next to a guy on the subway whose got his IPod cranked so loudly that you can hear every Dave Mustain screech over the  screech subway,  i'd like to know what that is.  

Isn't the idea of headphones so that only you hear it?  I just don't get pumping it up so loudly that it vibrates you brain, forget hearing damage this can't possibly sound good

The cruel irony of it all is that this handjob won't ever know what it feels like because his eardrums are probably as worn out as a Thai whore

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Miss(ter) World

There has been this rage on the interwebs and on cable-TV about some beauty contestant  named Jenna Talackova in the Miss World competition who was a dude just a few years ago.    Now TOR believes that if a dude can win a competition of the hottest chicks around, than it might be time to get some better looking contestants although I do have a buddy who has been quotes as saying that a Tranny prostitute his buddy ass-banged was really hot.  

But I don't see a transgender person winning Miss World as the same kind of travesty against humanity that others do, my bigger issue is that I've seen exactly one photo of this chick/dude and she looks like a Thai hooker.   There is absolutely no way that you wouldn't know this was a dude even if you didn't try to go to third base and found a baseball bat where the pitcher's mound was supposed to be.

This dude has the typical transvestite look.. The pulled back face, the high cheek bones, the adams apple, the big hands, the buldge in her swimsuit… how this ever got past the first level of judges is beyond me.

Take on the ESPN2

I went to sleep a happy man, Wednesday was to be a beautiful day, work was going well, I had sushi for dinner and there was no reason for me to not wake up with a huge sh!t eating grin on my face, instead I felt sick when I glanced at my cell-phone and saw a picture of a gigantic nasty dump he took last night and decided to capture for posterity 

 

It's 1:05 AM and I am still at the office.  I must have been the last person in the building for a few hours now - including the cleaning staff.  I didn't think I would be here this late, as is usually the case.  I tried to wait until I got home, but I just couldn't hold out anymore.  I decided to take a break a few minutes ago and hit the stall.  It was a nice relief, actually.  The cleaning people had done a nice job with new toilet paper rolls and the seats cleaned and lifted in every stall. 

Of course, I chose the handicapped stall for the ample room and the lowered mirror allowing me to stare at myself during my moment of relaxation.  Other than the feeling of relief after waiting so long, nothing seemed out of the ordinary.  The entire process was done and over in about 5 minutes and I felt rejuvenated - like I just shed a 2.5 lb. tumor from my bung.  Yes, literally 2.5 pounds.  I don't know where it came from.  I hadn't ate that much in 3 days. 

As I stood up to flush, I noticed that the entire content of my entrails were left above the water towards the front of the bowl.  This is territory is no-mans land for entails... sort of like being above the tree line when lighting is coming.  Well, maybe not.  But it's not good. 

I tried flushing and all of the toilet paper was whisked away down the drain, but my duty remained.  Stubborn.  Defiant.  Santorum.  Sort of like the Occupiers still hanging out in the middle of the park in February.  I flushed again.  Same result.  Again and again.  Same result over and over.  I finally gave up and came back to my office to finish up for the night.  I will leave, but my duty shall remain to greet all of the morning visitors with newspapers and freshly digested coffees. 

Massive, might duty - will you still be here when I return in the morning?

 

 

now anybody who reads TOR religiously will know that bathroom etiquette and bowel movements are topics we cover regularly and take tremendous pride in.   So when I read this I was sick to my stomach NOT because it was disgusting to see another man's poop..  I was sick to my stomach because I couldn't fathom being able to fill up a bowl like this..  The gauntlet has been thrown down my skinny pasty looking friend.. you've been warned because I'm going on a run of Gray's Papayas, White Mana's, Burritoville, dirty gyros, Bump Chili and some of Golden Shower Lou's wingers while only drinking unfiltered beer for a week... then we'll see who the real champ is.

Take on the New York Knick MSG Radio Network

listen to parts of most Knick games on my Walkman while jogging at night.  I've been doing it for years and thought it was due time to take on the entire MSG radio network.    The Knicks have gone througha number of play by play men through the years from the best in the business (Gus Johnson/Mike Breen) to the collection of muppets they have now.  In generally Crispino and Spero Dedes do an adequate job but both lack the big voice (both literally and figuratively) to carry the broadcast.   I'm not demanding a play-by-play guy carry the broadcast mind you, but when they are surrounded by a bunch of total buffoons it becomes nearly unbearable.

The play by play guys can be summed up like this: bored and undersexed:  Dedes sounds bored most of the time which you can't blame him for since he's spent the previous few seasons holding the same gig for the Lakers.  His delivery is uninspired and it's obvious he has no chemistry with his color guys (more on this later).   Mike Crispino at least sounds like he has some passion; albeit with the cracking voice of a 14 year old boy.   I give him credit for trying but the results sound like a Liberty game

But the bigger issue is something else because like anything Dolan touches that isn't even the worst part, whereas the Knicks have a strong history in radio play-by-play guys, their color commentators have always left more than just a little bit to be desired (See Frazier, Clyde)

 The worst part of the radio broadcast are the color guys who collectively sound like they either slept in lead-paint rooms or were held in rubber ones.   Brendan Brown sounds like he's inherited none of Hubie's basketball competence, explaining the nuance of the game is what about the only thing you need your color man to do but I never get the impression that I'm learning anything.    The one thing that annoys the piss out of me is that he constantly mentions things like 'that's the last time out for the third quarter' which means nothing since basketball gives out time-outs for each half.    The only thing somewhat interesting about him is that he's got a total distain for Dedes, the entire time you are listening to the broadcast you expect Brown to jump over the table and stabs Spiro in the neck with his Mont Blanc pen he bought over on the upper west side.

But the worst one is also the longest running member of the radio team..the wise man John Andariese   If there is ever a time when it has become obvious that time has passed him by it's in the case of Johnny Hoops.   He can spent two entire quarters without giving any insight whatsoever and when he finally come around to making a point it's usually as insightful as 'the Knicks have to play better here'.   He seems like a nice man who like your grandfather would be better off if he was admitted into but into Calvary Hospital

Take on jerked beef

As most loyal TOR fans know, there are few things we love more than
beef jerky. Maybe it's the high protein levels, maybe it's the five
year shelf life or maybe it is just the incredible taste but when we
had a chance to buy 5 packs on woot.com for about $15, we jumped at
it. We got bags of lemon garlic turkey jerky, citrus basil turkey
jerky, sweet chipotle beef, smoky teriyaki and chili lime beef and
honestly each bag is better than the next with great flavor,
interesting texture and nice spice combinations.
If there is ever a fear of a mushroom cloud over Detroit I just hope
my bunker is loaded with bags of this stuff

Take on the random Asian couple

I am an embarrassment, for all the crap I give people there are days
when I feel that standing in a room with me for some people must be
worse than water-boarding. This week I ran into an old acquaintance,
he is a Korean dude who I know through a buddy. Although he wasn't
born in the US, he is completely assimilated in every way and if it
weren't for the fact he's got a bit of an accent you wouldn't be able
to tell. Now you just also know that between the korean accent he
also sounds like he grew up in the hood so he sounds like a cross
between Kim Jung Il and the Method Man. With thay said he's a great
dude and has a real good heart and I'm genuinely happy up see him

Well the issue is when I run into him at some big department store
with his wife who I'd never met, I make the gross miscalculation that
because his English isn't great, she must be a fob. The major
problem here is that whenever I meet a foreigner, I immediately
without realizing go into this modified version of English where I
leave out as many words as possible, speak in short and very basic
sentences and worst of all use this faux Asian accent
Of course it took me 10 minutes of small talk to realize that his wife
was not only completely normal, very pretty and most importantly in
this context completely fluent. She was born about two towns over
and may never even have been to Korea. When I finally realized that
she was not here on a tourist visa, I try to recover but I am sure it
was too late

As I walk away as I hear her whisper to him 'oh my gawd, what a jerk'

Take on the American Girl Store

Forget Ikea, forget Times Square, forget hell. The absolute worst
place on the great green earth is the American Girl Doll store. I
walked into one yesterday needing to return a single item but instead
was confronted by a wall of spoiled prepubescence. Little girls
screaming for dresses, slippers and doll jeans and me pulling the hair
out of my head. I are some snot-nosed kid bringing her doll to get a
haircut..... which costs $20. Mind you I pay $11 for a haircut and
mine grows

take on living together before marriage

we caught an article yesterday citing a new study which contradicts findings long established as fact.  The new study found that cohabiting before marriage actually did not lead to higher divorce rates which is what previous studies had always claimed..  The only thing shocking about this new study to me was that it had to be done in the first place because the studies it countered never made any sense

Ask any sensible couple and it seems ridiculously obvious that really knowing each other is paramount to any long term relationship because if you have already lived together you know each other quirks, sleeping habits, snoring issues and commitments to keeping a tidy home. You probably have also had some joint finances so have a better sense of what you can both find acceptable spending habits.   I always thought the first study was probably skewed because people who might be willing to live together first might be more liberal thinking and would not see the same kind of stigma in divorce as people who are more conservative in their social views.    For example hard-core Catholics don't allow divorce and also don't allow living in sin, so even if they are married and extremely unhappy there really is no way out..  I'd like to see what 'happiness' rates are for those couples

So we are going to file this away with other findings like water being wet, Tebow being a good person and Rick Santorum being a misogynist psycho

 

take on the gmail storage limit

Take on the Gmail limit

 

This seemed like a day that would never happened… kind of like somebody breaking Joe DiMaggio's hit streak but yesterday I hit my allowable limit for my gmail account which meant that over the last five years I've filled up 7gigs of space.  There was this big red message that came up saying that I had to either start deleting a ton of emails or buy more storage or emails from senders would start bouncing..   I cannot tell you what I did to fill up this much space but when I asked around most people told me that they were using 20% of their allowable limit.

 

I tried to delete a bunch of stuff like "anybody up for an LTT lunch" or "Joe Bryant Breaking News" but it only got me down from 95% full to 94% full which only meant that I'd get the critical storage message again in a couple of days... so I sacked up and paid $5 for a 20 extra gigs of storage which I guess is well worth it as dropping my total messages down by 20% would cost hours.    I can see the kinds of decisions I'd be agonizing over already:  should I keep a photo-shopped picture of my buddy Dusty to make him look 200 pounds lighter in his Happy New Year hat?   should I keep some terrible trade offer Otis made me for Brandon Marshall for posterity?  should I keep some random thoughts my sister-in-law had about drinking while biking?

I guess my $5 decision was that I needed to keep all of this because you just never know

Take on Timsanity

With the announcement today that Tim Tebow will be donning Jets green next year, the city is abuzz like it hasn't been since……Linsanity..     As a Jet fan, this just smells bad to me, not only is Tebow a flawed QB but bringing him in with an under-fire incumbent QB will lead to disaster.    Sanchez couldn't keep the locker-room together and there was an uproar from the ranks to go after an established backup and there was some talk of them entering into the Peyton Manning sweepstakes.     Tebow will bring two things.. great leadership and a circus but if he's not starting, both of which will undermine the already fragile psyche of Sanchez.    As soon as Sanchez throws three balls over his receiver's heads, the fans will scream for Tebow but unlike other parts of the country, I don't see the natural cult following here in NYC

Tebow is loved because of his religion, his character and his prowess on the college gridiron, the problem is NY is not a city which is nearly as fanatical about college football or Jesus.   I get that Jeremy Lin loves Jesus too but I don't think that Linsanity was really about Jesus as much as it was about that fact that he played really well and the Knicks were winning.   If Tebow can win, NY will love him, if Tebow can't win..I just don't see the city clamoring for him..  Like Jeremy Lin, when he started to become mortal, the news cycle went to something else..  He was featured on every tabloid back-cover for three weeks straight and now he scores 19 with 10 dimes and he gets relagated to the same breath as Iman Shumpert and Landry Fields in the game recaps

Lastly.. the combination of Sexy Rexy and Tim Terrific just doesn't feel like it will work.   As my buddy the Bump said.. Rex's ego is just too big, he'll be pissed off when the reporters are all standing around Tebow's locker instead of at his press-conference.   But then again.. maybe this team needs another distraction..seems those things work out so well for them.