After a two hour delay at JFK, we are going to be late and with a 9:30pm connection, I'm worrried. Connection was supposed to be two and a half hours and now it's half that time. Should be OK according to the flight attendant guy who speaks no English as we should land at 8pm
8:15pm
We actually land, nothing like another 15 minute delay after the initial delay. I immediately start to frantically look online to see if I can get any advanced gate information but my service is poor and even if I did find something it doesn't matter because the pilot takes an hour to taxi to our gate happily taking the scenic route. They pull us up, down and around and under. Every time it looks like we are going to get to our gate, he changes directions. There are tons of open gates but he insists on parking in the back of the parking lot, so he can be the first out of Wally World apparently. Every second of which feels harrowing but flies by as your watch looks like it is on hyperspeed wile your plane is traveling at turtle speed
8:29pm
We finally get to the gate and some lady in front of me decides to unpack her bag in the aisle. Dude, this wasn't something you could have handled during the fourteen hours we were flying?!?? I step over her bag and she gives me a dirty look.
8:34pm
We deplane and I shove a few old Chinese ladies out of the way as I run up the ramp. One guy is driving in the fast lane on the people mover but doing it in slow motion. How about some courtesy and move over dude!!!
8:38pm
I know I have to go through immigration but before that I find a new finger print step console. WTF is this, I was here five months ago and didn't do this!! This is like the ones we have but you know they will track your every step for the next 6 days with this knowledge
8:39pm
The finger print this is sort of painless and I run with my bag, suitcase and bad back through passing Chinese kids and moms while zigzagging through crowds of people. These are the same people I passed before but they didn't have to get fingerprinted. This is just a new initiative for foreigners I guess although European Union members don't need to do this, I blame Trump.
8:40pm
I get to immigration and as always the lines are always a thousand people deep. My watch is in overdrive and my heart is beating through my chest.
8:44pm
I hate to do this but finally get through by pulling a dumb American thing where you cut past all the people with a confused look on my face and apologizing profusely.
8:52pm
I convince a security lady to get me to the front of the line, she throws me in a cue with five people in it. Should be painless
8:54pm
The dude two dudes in front of me is chatting with the immigration lady, what the hell man, she's likely married and I'm late.
8:58pm
I finally get to the front, my hands are so sweaty that the second fingerprint scan doesn't take. Why the hell are there TWO finger print steps?? Has something changed with my finger prints from 10 minutes ago. I dry them on my pants but now the little system has to reset, time is ticking
She inspects my passport, visa and yellow arrival slip like it's got a secret treasure map on it. The lady doesn't smile so I give her a 😠face on her "how did we do" tablet.
9:01pm
I make it down the strairs, past baggage claim and onto the transfer desk and of course am met there with a tourist crowd with their matching T-shirt's and the one lady with the umbrella. There must be fifty people. These people should be afforded their own lane, maybe one with a special trip to the zoo cause can't be that bright. Nobody in their right mind takes on of those stupid tours, if you then they should lock you up or take you to the zoo.
9:04pm
I pull the dumb American thing again and push my way to the front looking confused. I'm a sweaty pig at this point so everybody is happy to stay clear. The lady at the desk looks at my reservation with a concerned look. I'm willing to buy another ticket in the spot for $1000 if I have to because she can't find my reservation. Then she does, somehow she messed up on Chinese character like we mess up the AM/PM thing in our alarm clocks. Thanks for the explanation now print out my boarding pass
9:07pm
Her machine printer is out of paper. You have to be kidding me.
9:08pm
We go to another machine, she has to look it up again and gets confused again but finally does find it and prints out the boarding pass. She does invite me to go to the lounge which would be nice if I didn't have to be on my next flight in 22 minutes.
9:09pm
I make it up the escalator which suddenly stopped working. This seems to only happen with up-escalators when you are carrying big bags by the way, it's the world' away of telling you that you are just a pawn
Anyway, enough philosophy, think I'm in the clear as in upstairs but I forget that Pudong is
one of those maze-like airports. It's like that corn mazes where you think you are almost at the end but met with another closed door. I see the domestic departure terminal but can't get trough because it's locked. Another guy who is running through the airport with me, his flight from Detroit was similarly delayed, is almost in tears. He bangs on the door and voila, it opens. They need to check our tickets again, thanks for the help.
9:10pm
I'm back running, but as soon as I make the turn I see we need to go through security. I'm already in the airport, why do I need to go through security again??
9:13pm
Of course I'm the schmuck who gets pulled. I bought a new belt which now sets off the alarm and I get a fully body search by another non-smiling Chinese woman. They find nothing on my other than a belt
9:14pm
They keep making announcements for what I think is my flight but it's hard to understand. I'm looking for gate 255 but the only ones I see are single and double digits like 4,6 and 14. I'm busting through and finally see a sign. I'm going to make it
9:17pm
I make it to the gate which is actually just a ramp to another set of escalators. These Chinese airports love levels because everything is always up or down the stairs. I do feel badly for having complained about up escalators being the ones that don't work because this case the down escalator doesn't work, either. I'm sweating through my shirt
9:18pm
I'm downstairs but find out I need to go down another level. I just went down and now I need to go down again, this place is like one of those MC Eshel puzzles
9:19pm
The line is ridiculously long but I can't tell if it for 255 or 254, nothing is written in English
9:20pm
Finally push my way to the front, last bus to the airplane and I'm on it. Poor schmucks waiting for the 254 gate look like they are delayed.
9:25pm
The fear of missing the flight is over but it is interesting to see how far the plane is parked from the terminal. It's easily a 6 minute ride. Everybody likes to get that far parking spot apparently.
9:27pm
There it is, finally my plane is in place.
9:28pm
Sit down in row 37 next to a guy who smells like he hasn't washed his ass in a week and a woman whose teeth are the color of a pineapple
9:34pm
they close the doors, start the engines and roll off...then stop and tell us we'll be delayed for an hour.
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