Take on first grade soccer

Coach Righetti. "Good morning Men, welcome to first grade Fùtbol, this will be an intense year where we will seperate the men from the boys"

Sally "coach, half of us a girls?"

Coach. "Never admit that out loud you sally. Now, our first rule will be that this game is referred to by only one name, fùtbol, if you refer to it as anything else you are a sham and you can take your pink cleats and go join the ballet.
The second rule is that you will refer to me as "sir" or "coach sir". Anything else will result in 25 deep squats. Am I clear?

Team "Yes sir"

Coach. "Good. Now, I want to warn you that this is not some lame participation league where kids get a trophy for picking daisies. We are here for one thing and one thing only...to win. Anything less is unacceptable and will not be tolerated out of you fairies"

Jane. "So we don't get a trophy?"

Coach. "You are a bright one, We will push you harder than you've ever been pushed, you will run more than you ever have before and you will not stop until your body gives out. Somebody once said it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, that somebody was a loser.

Billy. But my dad says that the game should be fun "

Coach "I don't know if you have ever lost but it sucks, there are no smiles on the losers sideline, no jokes, no fun. If you want to get a trophy for playing then go play tag or dolls because that is not this. We will make you into a lean, mean soccer machine"

Mandy " I thought it was Fùtbol?"

Coach. "Drop down and give me 50 push-ups and none of those girly push-ups with your knees on the ground and your ass way up on the air.
Now, where were we? Yes the goal is winning, and the way we win is to outwork, out-hustle, out practice and out-smart the opponent. Sadly you guys don't look like a real bunch of athletes but we'll change that. First we will do 10 wind-sprints, then 50 push-ups, 100 crunches and 50 deep knee bends, the one who finishes last can take their cleats and trade them in for ballet slippers because obviously this is not for you"

Joey. "Wait I thought this was chess club"

Coach. "Get out of here you pansy, The goal is to kick a ball into a goal and beat the opponent which serves as a great analogy for life, winners beat losers and unless you want to be a loser, you better figure out how to win.
Anybody shows up in jeans or pants can go right over to OfficeMax and get a job there because you have no future."

Debra. "Will we all get to play in the game?"

Coach. "No this is the real world you communist, we play to win and only our best players will play in the game.. If you want to play at your skill level join the town rec league"

Curtis. I thought this was the town rec league?"

Coach: "time for you to go back and sit on mommy's lap mama's boy"

Betsy "can I get some water"

Coach "We do not believe in piss breaks or water breaks, hydration will be a reward for hard work not an excuse to avoid it. If you want to play with your water bottles I suggest you go to the splash park and leave space on this team for kids with heart..now bring it in"