taking on the crotch burn

I'm walking around the office wearing black shoes, black socks, black pinstripe pants a black t-shirt and an ice-pack on my balls.   I haven't gone Euro-chic and I haven't gone Goth but I have gone through one of the most traumatizing experiences of my life.

This afternoon as I was sitting at my favorite lunch spot I went from a normal northeastern professional to a guy who walks around like he's in a John Wayne movie with broad steps taken in what seems like slow-motion.    I haven't decided to move to Texas and start riding horses but I feel like I did just spent the last few hours horse-jumping.   See my undercarriage is so incredibly tender I'm having a hard time deciding if I even want to move.    Before you jump to conclusions,; I did NOT pull a nut swinging a golf-club and I haven't been fooling around with Crazy Amy, this is more of a surface pain than an internal one.   Even calling it a pain implies it may have happened doing something remotely physical so to be more accurate this is more of a burn and I'm not talking about the gonorrhea kind and more of a literal one.     

 A few years ago when that woman sued McDonalds for spilling hot coffee on herself it just reeked of greed, I criticized it for all that it told you about American culture, laziness and selfishness.    Obviously no woman should have her leg burned by scolding hot coffee but I'm not sure anybody should be rewarded with a $100 million dollar payment for doing something as idiotic as spilling coffee on their own leg.    Well that was then and this is now cause today during lunch I had my own McDonalds moment after the waiter delivered a cup of coffee to my table and as he walked away I proceeded to pick it up and drop it immediately.    Within a split second the table was covered, my white shirt was brown, my phone was soaked but the worst part was my crotch took the brunt of the spill.   I cannot tell you how painful it is to spill a full cup of steaming hot-coffee on your leg but take that pain and multiply it by 1000000 because the nerve-endings on my unit feel like they just ran a marathon.

So here I sit at my desk wearing my gym shirt  while perched ontop of a pile of ice.   My life cannot possibly be worse