Wedding Season

So the 2009 wedding season started last night as I went to the first of 5 summer weddings and I am already exhausted.
Couple of notes to all you happy couple before you tie the bonds of holy matrimony

• Gifts----Save your money and forget those cheesy gifts you leave at tables for your guests. This crap becomes immediate stoop sale fodder for 99% of your guests, save the $4 per couple and invest in better liquor.
•  Open Bar----Stop being cheap and splurge on the booze. Weddings are fun cause people do stupid things, like dance shirt less, hook up with weird aunts and do naked beer slides. You have to be willing to embrace the fact that your guests are willing to be the entertainment cause lord knows the rest of your wedding is gonna be dry and boring.   My buddy's dad will always bring cash as a gift for the couple, the second he would notice you didn't pay for the drinks he'll rip up the envelope and pay for his drinks out of your gift money
• Cake Cutting ----the cake cutting thing is tired and overdone. There is nothing spontaneous or exciting about it as all you people do the same thing that everybody else has done. We get it, you guys are filthy slobs and like sweets, well keep your banana cream pie obsessions in the bedroom.
• Music--- This seems obvious to me but any of this lame wedding music crap should have died in the 70's. Music makes the party so unless you are content having a crap party then keep any of the cheesy wedding dance things out of sight. Then have a theme for the rest of it, get a DJ who knows when to keep the music going when the party finally starts bangin and one who knows to change it up when he sees no one is digging the Neil Diamond and Neil Young rendition of Everybody hurts.
• The ceremony officiant. Find somebody who is gonna marry you who has at least met you a few times. Nothing feels less personal than when the priest/rabbi/justice of the peace mis-pronounces your mother's name.
• The rehearsal. I have seen so many wedding professionals go to shit cause the best man stands in the wrong spot, the flower girl pees on the sidewalk or some bridesmaid trips. Yeah it's not that hard to walk down the aisle with some Asian chick but you would be shocked how many a-holes screw this part up.
• Fake Anything    forget the fake tans, real tans, boob jobs, nose jobs and hair colorations unless you are willing to risk looking like a total freak at your wedding. I have seen chicks colored orange with their tits squeezed up against their face at too many weddings. Give your tan a chance to settle in and your tits a chance to drop before wedging into your white dress.
• Singles Table   There is no worse idea than the singles table. This idea spawned out of the 1800's when every wench was looking for a mate but when somebody gets stuck at this version of purgatory in 2009 you may as well tell 'em that you don't care if they even showed up at all. Next time just ask them to send a check.
• The money... Keep the gift opening thing out of sight of your guests. This is not your 4th grade birthday party where it's appropriate to have everybody see each gift you got. Nothing less amateurs than counting the chips on the table while you are playing Hold Em, weddings are the same thing.
• The Gift Return Policy,  if you get divorced within a year be prepared to send back my gift

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