Take on click bait

I shouldn't admit this to advertisers but there are certain embedded ads that I cannot not click. Get me a promoted story on the world's thinnest wallet or most detailed globe and I have my credit card out before the page loads but the ones I'm most susceptible to are the ones that read "these female celebs have the hardest time keeping their chests stuffed into a tank top", "the ten hottest sex scenes in a movie" or "which female celebs have had affairs with chicks". Granted these lists are usually cluttered with the chick from Murphy Brown or so they are not as interesting but even knowing that I have to click.

Take on Kristin Cavallari

I know almost nothing about Kristin Cavallari other than she's been trolled by Gawker for longer than just about anybody has ever been trolled and she is married to a guy who killed my fantasy football season a few years ago, other than that I have no idea who she is or why is famous. What I do know is that she is apparently a completely tone death bimbo which I have concluded after reading a single Instagram post she made today. It shows a bed, a cup of luke warm coffee and three individual feet, presumable the perfectly pedicured Miss Cavallari, her equally perfectly pedicured husband Mr Cavallari and difficult
to tell how pedicured Baby Cavallari with the caption "thankful for the men and women who lost their lives on this lazy #memorialday morning".

And then it hit me...maybe she's the one trolling us

Take on patriotism

Memorial Day has always been a bit of a odd holiday, 99% of Americans use the long weekend as a reason to open up their pools and get started on their suntans on a weekend which should commemorate the soldiers who fought and died for our country. I get that this isn't the only case like this, I always thought kids should go to school on MLK day because at shook they could actually learn about the great man whereas at home they will likely watch reruns of I Love Lucy and Mama's Family like I did as a kid.
But you gotta love the patriotism of the guy at today's Pepsi 600 who matches his jorts and America Budweiser can with a back burn in the shape of Old Glory

God Bless the USA

Take on the waistline

One thing I will never understand is why a guy who looks like a pear would strive to look more like one. Chris Christie who we last covered as part of a hostage tape, was walking the boardwalk in his beloved New Jersey yesterday and for some inexplicable reason, he did it wearing dress pants hiked up past to his belly button. I'm not fan of heavy dudes but there is something sort of endearing when you see a dude heave his gigantic gut over his belt like Dan Conner but when you see a guy like Big Chris just go with the 52 wide pants and wear it over his belly button it just looks like he is still being tortured by Trump, it is really the only explanation because a dude can't possible be comfortable with both a front and a back wedgie, even if Christie is built like a 60 year old lady.
Surprised he wasn't sporting his Make America Great Again hats

Take on the slob who soaks in his hottub on the dock

Guys who own boats should all be shot, there really aren't a more arrogant group of people.
I'll never really understand the joy of boating as I tend to find leisure activities that do not involve me wanting to puke. The entire, I have a boat that burns 100 gallons an hour that costs more than your house just screams dooshbag. But what hat I saw today took the cake. It is 90 degrees in NYC and I catch some gavone drag out a hot tub onto the dock of his crappy marina. You can't be content with your BMV, silicone girlfriend and fifty foot yacht, but you have to show the rest of the world that even when it is 100 degrees outside you will sit in your fucking hot-tub

Take on the shooting at the T.I. concert

There was a shooting last night at Irving Plaza and we were just happy to hear it didn't happened during Francesacon.
The weird thing is that at 6pm I saw an update and it sounded like they made an arrest which is great but I swear it took me four times to understand the headline
It read "Troy Ave arrested after deadly shooting at T.I. concert". .

I may be showing my age here but have no idea what a T.I. is and I am still not sure if Troy Ave is a place or a thing. I'm sure the shooting was completely called for and justified, so I won't go into any of that but who I really feel bad for are the fans, because they didn't have they opportunity to watch T.I. perform and nobody should have that T.I.'s art taken away from them.... Oh yeah I also feel for a bunch of kids who went to a concert and could've gotten killed because of some stupid hip-hop pissing match

Take on Matt Harvey

Everytl time in his career that Matt Harvey has taken the mound, the city has stopped to watch. For the first few years it was to see an absolute bulldog dominate, then last year it was to see how the pampered baby handled criticism and this year it is just to see how badly the Nationals will beat him. Sportsradio has been calling him out for his weak psyche, lack of mental fortitude and overall disposition but I think this comes down to something more real...as my boy @RNs_playhouse had pointed out, Harvey is one fat slob.

We're all aware that you don't have to be a superb athlete to be an effective pitcher, take Harvey's teammate Bartolo Colon for example whose weight users around three bills yet he still pitches effectively at age 42. The thing is that guys Colon, David Wells and CC Sabathia were always loads and they have perfected their craft by using their girth to their advantage. Harvey looked liked an athlete a few years ago when he was still young and hungry for success, now he's just hungry.
Stay away from the Twinkies and cheese doodles, Matt, and start acting like an athlete

Take on the futuristic bridge

Some dude decided that maybe it was time we started on that future we were promised as kids. He came up with his fantastic idea to build two Verrezano sized triple decker bridges that would span from NJ to Queens allowing the biggest much of bridge and tunnel dooshes to be able to have a natural mating path.
I can't tell you about the viability of this plan but the supposed timeline (60 months) seems more sensible that the expected timeline of digging a tunnel (60 years). It could be done relatively cheap ($20 billion) which would be have immediate funding for 75% of it and it would solve an immediate problem (suffocating congestion coming into the city for yours truly)

With all of the success of the highline, maybe there is something sort of pleasant about having the ability to walk above all the riffraffs on 34th street which is what the third deck in the triple decker would be used for. The second deck would be for buses which would alleviate congestion in the tunnel and allow people to.get off in midtown and the bottom deck would be for train lines with a stop in midtown sort of like that train thing at the Detroit airport.

Take on babysitting

I was out two weeks ago with my girls at a diner when a woman came up to me to tell me what kind of incredible job I was doing babysitting my kids. My first thought was, look lady thanks for the compliment but this only looks pleasant because I have bribed them with ice cream and thrufully it doesn't look like a gigantic battle royal because I have threatened them with taking away all TV privileges, their IPads and their cell phones for a month..and to.send the dog to the pound

I'd do it too, I'd take it all away and more...no G-Chat or Snapchat or CatChat or anything and they will not be going on any dates either. We will just sit home and converse which really means that they will be staring at a big hole in the wall after I have ripped the TV off the F'in wall in a fit of absolute rage. They will ask why they can't have nice stuff and I will bitch about all the sacrifices I have made for them and how they don't deserve it.

I thought about letting the nice lady in on the secret but I just smiled and thanked her for her kind words as I kicked my oldest in the shin and strangled my middle one with my arm while shoving chocolate covered French Fries in the mouth of my youngest

I am like Homer Simpson just less charming

Take on the two lions

Two days in a row we get TORs about animals euthanized while their humans who may be to blame walk free. Yesterday a horse was shot after breaking a cannon bone in a race before the Preakness and TOR asked why they didn't shoot the jockey since he was also hurt, too Today a story out of Santiago got our attention when two lions were euthanized after they mauled a 20 year old who had jumped into their cage in an apparent suicide attempt. I don't quite get why they kill the lions, they are doing what they are born to do, kill weaker animals. That is like killing a cow for grazing or a cat for purring.
So the suicidal moron is now in some hospital and probably will get a Diane Sawyer type interview out of this yet the two lions who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time get killed. Makes sense

Take on the euthanized horse

Pimlico had three tragedies happened today. Tons of frat boys lost their beer money betting the favorite on wet slop, one horse collapsed and died after winning an earlier race and another horse broke his canon bone and tossed his jockey coming around turn 4.a and was eiuthanised
The horse who won the race apparently had as massive heart saying attack but I guess that happenes when they pump tons of drugs into these inbred horses. The second death was tragic in another way because the horse just took a bad step and tripped throwing his jockey off him breaking the jockey's collarbone. They then drive up to the fallen horse, throw a blanket over him and shoot him which I guess is considered humane although I think it without only have been fair to do the same to the broken collarbone having jockey. They certainly find it would bring people back to the track

Take on the Anthony Mason-Biggie Smalls- Fat Joe bizarre love triangle

For years there were rumors of which NY Knick Biggie Smalls was referencing in his "I got a story to tell" song released posthumously. Everybody sort of assumed the lame ass Knick who allegedly got robbed by Biggie at gun-point after the fat man banged the Knicks girlfriend was Charles Smith or Patrick Ewing because whoever it was came across as a total loser.
Well Fat Joe outed the unknown Knick last week on some lame sportstalk in Miami and to everybody's surprise it was Anthony Mason, the second biggest badass on the Knicks. A guy who was a hustler in his own right and one who nobody would want to meet in a dark alley...but I guess if you have a story to tell, you better make it a good one and holding Chris Dudley or Greg Anthony at gunpoint doesn't exactly have the same effect.

Take on there too tight tanktop

I read an article today about a Canadian woman who was kicked out of her gym for wearing a tanktop that was deemed too tight. I can't tell you any additional specifics other than from the photo which showed that she was in fact a hot chick and was also wearing a tight tanktop. So the gym was probably accurate in their description of her outfit but past that description I'm lost. As a person who has spent a fair amount of time at the gym, I cannot imagine a better selling point for a gym located 1000 miles from any hope for summer than a bunch of smoking hot heavily tattooed chicks prancing around all sweaty in tight tanktops, then again maybe this is a gym similar to NYSC one where I got oggled by a bunch of sweaty muscular dudes in tight tanktops in the men's locker room years ago.

Take on Mitt's Never Trump campagin

Well that didn't last long!!
Mittens Romney, the star of a couple of failed presidential campaigns and the son of another failed presidential hopeful has somehow failed again as he tried to drum up support for a third party candidate. This was always odd with a desire to throw over the GOP coming from the most established guy from the establishment.

Not only did his NeverTrump not ever gain any traction it only lasted a week or so longer than Scott Walker's run for president, and was somehow even less successful. This is hard considering Walker went from TOR tournament pick to outcast in about three weeks.

I guess the writing was on the wall when Spencer Zwick, a GOP mega fundraiser and the guy who Romney has called his "sixth son", met with Trump last week to discuss campaign strategy. We always knew that this entire NeverTrump thing for Romney was always just an ego trip with him setting up the stage with his hope that the GOP woikd come begging him to give it over more run for the good of the country. What we all knew was it was a trip nobody wanted to buy a ticket for, we've already seen Kansas City twice, no need to see it again

But give Mitt credit, at some point he had to realize the train was leaving the station and he was gonna be left standing there in his pressed jeans and loafers, so he got up and walked off

Take on the Democratic Kentucky primary results

With 86% of the votes counted, Hillary Clinton leads Bernie Sanders by about 3400 votes but somehow the likely photo finish will not be the story. The story that I'll always remember about the Kentucky primary of 2016 will be that the was done dude named Rocky De La Fuente who somehow got 1500 votes. I have no idea who this De La Fuente guy is and maybe I'm severely underrating him but when your name sounds like a mash up of washed up boxers and equally washed up VJs, I can't take you that seriously
But anyway, good luck to De La Fuente and the other corpse who somehow got in the race Martin O'Malley, thanks for perhaps playing spoiler

Take on the weapons and ammo cache

I got an alert today about a police arrest of some Trenton man who they found in the woods with a large cache of weapons and ammo. They found him in combat gear in some place called Pinelands somewhere in New Jersey which before today, I assumed was only the place where Paulie and Christopher shot a Russian. Apparently though there are other crimes going on there, too and today was a day the good guys win. What got me though was not just the weapons they recovered which included an AK-47, a 9mm handgun, eight 30-round magazines, a 100-round drum magazine and other ammunition but rather the Hitler 'stache that the suspect Bruce Post III was sporting. Anybody walking around with that thing should be executed by the state on the spot because there is no reason they should be breathing the same air as the rest of us... I'm looking at you Michael Jordan

Take on the front page NYT article about Trump's treatment of women

Well I will never get those thirty minutes back. I just spent the better part of a half hour reading the NYT piece about Trump's treatment of women and feel like they should send me my $4 back. I am far from a Trump supporter but this article had absolutely nothing in it that should have surprised anybody.

Trump is a sleaze..check
Trump likes hot chicks..check
Trump want said hot chicks in teeny tiny bikinis..check
Trump probably banged a bunch of Miss Universe contestants..check
Some of those chicks now regret that..check
Trump used his celebrity, power, money and influence in his conquests..check

There was just nothing new in it and nothing remotely surprising, or quite frankly interesting, about the piece and it was put out for the NYT Sunday readership so I doubt you had a lot of Trump supporters who read it and thought.."maybe this guy isn't this mythical defender of women's rights I've been made to believe, well I will not be voting for him anymore and instead will vote for Hillary Clinton because her husband Bill is one who believes in women's equality and would never force unwanted attention upon anybody"

Take on the 2020 election

We aren't even close to swearing Hillary into office and airway the GOP is looking at their batch of candidates for 2020 and they look remarkably similar to the dorks we got in the 2016 version a movie which who nobody wanted there first time around and will want even less there next time around. Just looking at the three front runners (Rubio, Cruz and Paul Ryan) makes me want to shove my Rand Paul bobblehead doll through my urethra. I know that Ryan hasn't ever actually run and lost yet but that's like saying that Justin Bieber hasn't been in rehab yet.

It's not much better for the Dems who will probably try to convince the crazy grandpa to give it another run.

Time to find some candidates that don't totally suck... I'm not holding my breath

Take on the last name that start with an i

Is the any chance that Twitter and iOS can get rid of their crappy sans-serif font and upgrade to one that distinguishes the capital i from the lowercase L because how the heck are we in 2016 and when you see the name Kim Jong Il, it is impossible to know if this should be Kim Jong i-l or Kim Jong the second. (Thank god there is only one although his head is big enough for two or even three Koreans)
Just today I saw a tweet about some backup running back named Iosefa and it took me three looks to figure out it wasn't Losefa.

Time to figure this one out

Take on the slow.news day

There are says when the tabloids headlines write themselves and the are days like today where the tabloids should just shut it down. I read a headline that said that Ivanka Trump loves and respects her dad and all I could think of is... How is this news?!? She's been staple by his side at visit every victory speech, she's been a surrogate wife in some ways as Melanie might be mute and she holds a huge role at Trump inc. And, oh yeah, and she is his daughter.

Time to start digging up some new dirt on Donald's mistresses or find his tax returns because I can't go through six months of this dribble

Take on the Times Square serenity tent

I go to Times Square to see Elmo and Mickey and a bunch of chicks with body paint but lately something had stopped me in my tracks. In the middle of the crossroads of the world is some weird hippy serenity tent made from fake leaves and weird white posts. The sign reads something to the effect that it allows you to decompress and hide away from the connected world which is short of ironic because every a-hole tourist was in there taking selfies. I'm not sure if this is a permanent structure but if it is I'd hope they let dogs back into Times Square too to give it some real natural feel

Take your serenity tent and shove it

Take on the new Bud

Budweiser in their infinite wisdom decided to rename their beer "America" for the summer. This is a good marketing ploy in the sense that Americans love shitty beer and love shitty marketing, so it should be a raving success. But am I the only one who sees the grand irony of a product from InBev, a Belgian based brewer, named America?!? That would be like GM calling one of their cars Tokyo or Nickelback changing their name to USAback.
I'm sure they'll hijack a good John Cougar Mellencamp song and feature lame ass Brett Favre in a commercial or two..Let's just hope he doesn't whip out his little packer

Take on Sarah Palin

Forget the Lame Stream Media or the Hope-y and Change-y stuff, Momma Grizzly has somehow gotten even crazier, weirder and less appropriately dressed. She was on CNN last night looking like she ate old John McCain a it seems those midnight Klondike cars have finally caught up to her. But even that wasn't the worst of it. It was the fact she was dressed like a high school girl wearing a weird shoulderless top, showing her bra straps which at 25 pounds part her prime just isn't that attractive.

I get that she's no longer a public servant so she can obviously dress like she'd like to but if she ever goes to be considered for any job that doesn't involve serving buffalo wings, she may want to consider dressing her age..... and her weight

Take on the solar panels

There is really nothing uglier in this world than a beautiful center hall Colonial with solar panels on the roof. I get the value of them in terms of money savings and obviously their value in curbing greenhouse gases but there had to be a better way because they absolutely ruin an otherwise beautiful home. It is like drawing a mustache on the Mona Lisa or playing Beethoven Fifth on a recorder at Carnegie Hall. We need some serious. beautification laws in this neighborhood because this is an eyesore

Take on Andy Murray 'stache

Andy Murray beat Rafael Nadal in some random tournament in Madrid which I guess is a big deal because Nadal never loses on clay and never loses at home but that was sort of burying the lede. Some how the Englishman decided that this was the time in his life to start sporting a nasty porn star mustache because I guess being a lanky, bad teeth having doofus is not that marketable after all.

That thing looks like a ferret died on his upper lip

Take on the subway ads

Never one to pass up money, the MTA tears ah started selling every last inch of free space to advertisers. First there were only ads for Dr. Zizmor, then we got a bunch of low rent GrubHub ones and now we are somehow stich with an even worse one, namely the ad for a holiday shopping sale at the NY transit museum gift shop.

First of all, give us some ads that are at least somewhat timely and even if not and you must have holiday ads please at least give us something festive. I cannot tell you how annoyed I'd be if my wife got me an MTA hat for Christmas.... Especially if it was given to me in June.

Take on the taco war

Forget the presidential election, Trump and Hillary are apparently battling over something more important... Tacos. I have no idea which positions they've taken but I'm sure it is something as asinine as Trump liking corn tortillas and Hillary preferring hard shells. Although as Gawker pointed out, underneath Trump's taco shell salad was a photo of his ex wife in a bikini, let's hope that Hillary isn't going to give us a glimpse of Bill in his speedos.

I can't believe we are stuck with these two

Take on the Cruz and Kasich suspended campaigns.

I guess we got Trump and it is time to start drinking.  I'm not saying po the champaign but probably would advocate for some bourbon in  dark room.  I actually saw a street vendor today seeking Trump buttons and he was talking to somebody and I overheard him say "I can't we got this guy, this is just crazy, we are all screwed"   this coming from a guy who makes his living selling Trump by bumperstickers and red hats.  I guess what is good for his business is not what how he would vote such is commendable, I guess but either way w got Trump

To be fair as of this publication, John Kasich had not officially dropped out of the GOP race but he might as well make it official when he refused to get into the plane to Oregon today cause Lord knows he had no interest in hanging out Columbus.   But the bigger news was probably Cruz dropping like a wet turd into a overflowing bowl about 20 hours ago.  I will let Politico and the pundits digest his failed campaign but I think it came down to one thing... If both Trump and Cruz were highschool kids, one would be wearing a varsity jacket and the other would be telling the teacher that the varsity jacket wearing guy cheated on the math test.  I guess if we had to put Kasich into the analogy then he would be the fat kid at the cafeteria shoving as many Twinkles in his mouth as humanly possible. 

But anyway, to me the results of the final race were obvious, Cruz is so incredibly unlikable that he never really had a path to the nomination and Kasich looks like he has Tourettes. 

I can't believe I'm saying this but "I'm with her"

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the hardest working man in show business

Antonio Cromartie called Eddie Murphy today and told him that it was time to get himself fixed, because apparently there isn't a cornerback (of piece of latex) in the league who can cover him.  Maybe Eddie just loves kids or maybe he is just to bif for magnums or maybe he just loves child support but when I read that he just had his ninth kid, I just scratched my head. 

When I was a kid, my buddies and I would drive to Alpine and drive past Eddie Murphy mansion, a house that was so big you had to drive around the block to see the entire front and then one day he sold it to Alicia Keys.   We always assumed that he had gotten tired of it and wanted something new but maybe the truth was that it wasn't big which for his growing family.  

 

This is Murphy's ninth child. The 55-year-old is dad to Eric, 26 (with Paulette McNeely) Christian, 25, (with Tamara Hood Johnson), Bria, 26, Miles, 23, Shayne, 21, Zola, 16, and Bella, 14 (with his ex-wife Nicole Mitchell) and Angel, 9, with Spice Girl Melanie "Mel B" Brown.

What is more (or maybe less) impressive is not the sheer quantity but how goddamn busy Eddie Murphy was between 1989 and 1994. Granted this probably also coincides with the height of his popularity, so he was probably getting delirious with a ton of chicks and apparently doing it raw basically every Saturday Night live in New York and then running over to get busy in Beverly Hills too. 

I wonder if when he was getting called weekly from random chicks if he tried to get some some schmuck to trade places with him or put on some fat man disguise to avoid it becoming public news in which case he may have a few other ones we don't know about.   Either way it would have been great to hear him get chewed out about his infidelity by James Earl Jones 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Ted Cruz's take on Caitlyn Jenner

In a few days when he loses Indiana and drops out of the GOP race -and hopefully our lives- for good, Ted Cruz will need to figure out what to do with himself. Maybe he will pick mahjong or maybe he will start knitting but either way he should do something because I would hate to see him planning for a revival in 2020. I guess he'll probably go back to Washington licking his wounds and spend time lunching with some of his old buddies like a Marco Rubio and Rand Paul but we all know that this won't fulfill poor Ted's insatiable need to be a prick. What Ted will need is an outlet, something that he can use to speak to his people. What Ted Cruz needs is a blog and I got just the name for it TakeOnTedCruz.com.
Just today he decided to go all in with his transgender bathroom position and singled out Caitlyn Jenner. His argument was that allowing transgender people to use the ladies room opens up the possibilities that sexuall predators could find ways to get into a girls bathroom in a Chucky Cheese's even if the had been no evidence that this is a major or even a minor problem. My argument to his "grown men shouldn't be in the bathroom with little girls" argument is that maybe grown men shouldn't be in the bathroom with any little kid, there are just as many perverts who pray on little boys as little girls. I sure wouldn't want a Catholic priest in the bathroom with one of my friend's sons or my nephew.

Take on puff daddy

Sean Combs announced today that he was retiring from music which was only surprising in the fact that we all assumed that he was retired already. I don't follow modern hip hop but I have to imagine that the last album this guy dropped of any significance was in about 1999 and somehow we all survived. I have nothing against Puffy, never have, but the audacity to announce you are retiring from something you haven't done -well- in two decades is laughable. Nobody will miss you, chances are that nobody will even notice but we wish you all the luck in the world at your next endeavor whatever that may be.