Take on the in-law bathroom

I walked into my brother in law's house today after a weekend of overeating and had one of those moments when you just wish you could get beamed instantly home. While discussing the stock market's instability I felt a rumble in my stomach, while talking about real estate values in our area the rumble went to a roar and when we discussed our mutual extended family it went to full blow volcano about to explode. A quick aside, his house is one of those that makes MOMA look cheesy, everything is perfectly arranged, set up and laid out. There is artwork, sculptures, antiques and furniture not meant to sit on and I had to dodge all of it as I had to bee-line to the half bath on the ground floor. Knowing what was going to happen to his perfectly pristine European style toilet, I thought about using one of the four upstairs bathrooms but time was of the essence. I plop down, barely having time to pull my humor and sack away from the danger zone and then just let rip. I am talking full scale, two dozen cluck-u wingers, two pitchers of Guinness, a pack of smokes and a gallon of prunes type explosion. I looked down and it looked like I had just birthed a gremlin and it smelled like what I imagine Glenn Beck's breath smells like

I walk out, looking like I just ran a 10k and did what anybody in my situation would do.... Pulled my three year old in the bathroom to have her go to the bathroom and then told my family she had a bad case of the runs.