Take on the Bag of Crap

I woke up at 5am in Charlotte this morning, drove 400 miles, got on a plane runway for an hour next to a guy who was 200 pounds too heavy for his economy seat and landed at the height of rush-hour in LaGuardia which even in the summer sucks. My Uber app was screwed up, my wife called to say she was out with the kids and there were leftovers in the fridge, I woke up gum in my hair and the FDR looked like a parking lot, I may as well move to Australia.
I walk into the house and see a box which can only be described as unibomber-esque. The handwriting was messy, the entire thing was wrapped in a recycled box and the smelled a bit like a combination of potassium and cyanid. I did notice an $18.80 charge from USPS and thought that this Kaczynski
character wanted me blown up pretty bad. I thought about calling the FBI but was afraid what they may find so decided to take matters into my own hands. I lifted the 20 pound box to the kitchen, hit the garage for some tools and safety glasses to avoid any shrapnel and prepared to dismantle this like I dissecting that earthworm in my 8th grade bio class

I opened up the box and found what can only be described as ransom letter with all the misspellings and odd font you'd find for a guy who has your dog tied up in the basement of his cabin in New Hampshire and is demanding you to send him a can of tuna a week for the next year

http://imgur.com/RoyUAdy


I rip open the box and find one oddity after another
First a weird canvas bag whose contents weighed about fifty pounds
http://imgur.com/CJ0oyY9.

Luckily the bomb that was wired to explode at opening like it was King Tut's tomb had a wire trip but I did find what was meant to be the starter
http://imgur.com/Qac3fyJ

The intended shrapnel was still intact
http://imgur.com/xrCtDP8

I opened it up and dug through it and immediately got pricked by what I could only imagine was an AIDS filled used heroin needle
http://imgur.com/hyBMo4A

I got a bit further and found a bottle which was obviously spiked with anthrax
http://imgur.com/AQ1lSqH

There were clues to what The Manifesto might entail
http://imgur.com/C6XBqOI
http://imgur.com/i1mxJOC
http://imgur.com/ob0X76l
http://imgur.com/45I2fYX

Then I realized this may very well have come from Anonymous although I am not exactly sure why they'd ever expect me to use this AOL era propaganda material
http://imgur.com/WMKXSV8

Then like a Godfather type message I pulled out a dead fish head with more heroin needles sticking out of it and I was getting nervous
http://imgur.com/1iuX4Vl

More sharp objects intended to maim me
http://imgur.com/yZqWIvc

A few phallic symbols to emphasize how little control I had of my own situation
http://imgur.com/0D1ETuW

Finally the backup to incriminate me with the FBI had I called them
http://imgur.com/7CWwprV


an then I hit the major booty, the hidden message with the symbol of my very own Zodiac killer
http://imgur.com/B5OjLnn

And finally a reminder to me that this madman knew exactly who I was, what I did and when I am at my most vulnerable
http://imgur.com/nnk7AzV

I'm so screwed
http://imgur.com/7gK6MGB