Take on my albino white irritated thighs

When I look at my upper thighs I realize why Europeans wear speedos...
because as any straight American man knows your upper thighs may see
10 seconds of daylight per day and that is only when you take a leak
in the woods and the years of atrophy have taken a toll. My thighs
are not just palely white, they look like the legs of an albino
crossed with a newborn gerbil, virtually hairless with a few nasty
bumps, pimples and ingrown hairs. As I have chronicled many times
they are also huge, I am talking big fat woman huge, I'm talking when
I walk in a hot day they chafe which makes for an even less appetizing
scene if that is even possible.
So I have to ask for a straight-man exception and maybe pull the legs
of my shorts up because honestly a little sun might help although when
I first do it people may think two small white seals are eating my
torso