Take on the Chili Cookoff

For the last 5 or 6 years, I have been invited to the annual NYC
Oklahoma State chili completion, a friendly yet surprisingly
competitive cookoff between a bunch of Southerners in a will of wits,
lard and spice. Well to imply it's all meat craving Southerners
isn't fair since in the last few years a vegetarian chili has won, a
chili made by a Jewish girl from Long Island took top billing one year
plus any number of East Village chilies do well each year
The event is a fun glutinous filled day with more ground meat, sour
cream, beans and fritos than any group of people should consume.
Part of the fun are the names people give their chili including
classics like 'walk the line', 'corn-meal suprise', 'Wilfredo' and
'spanglish' but at the end is all about flavor.

The issue with me is that I have set up a competition within the
competition where I try to put down as many bowls of he hottest chili
of the day in a test of will, strength and intestinal fortitude
(literally). This years winner or hottest chili was some
concoction called Kim Jong Chili which probably took last place not
because it lacked flavor but rather because you could see the
hot/sauce burn a hole into the serving cup. People just looked at
this chili and past because staring into it was like looking directly
at the sun, I saw an Indian girl's eyebrows burn off because she wiped
her brow. We've been told that styrofoam will stay in a landfill for
30,000 years before disintergrading but that is only because it has
never met Kim Jong Chili before.

Well as the winners of the first competition or best chili were
announced, the masses got the ability to grab themselves heaping bowls
of their favorites and this is when the real competition starts.
Anybody can make a chili that tastes good in a spoon with complex
flavor/, interesting meat choices or the ability to hot every quadrant
of the tongue but I have always thought the better test was how many
people went back to each chili after they voted.

Well I tell you, Kim Jong Chili may not have won any spots in people's
hearts but it surely burned some holes in their stomachs from that
initial taste test because some nobody seemed brave/dumb enough for
seconds........nobody but yours-truly. I went back for four helping
so this Nuclear North Korean Option. Within 10 minutes it looked
like I was at a wedding as I was down to my undershirt with sweat
dripping down my face. I walked back into the bathroom at one point
after I accidentally wiped my face and rubbed a chili pepper into my
eye which was actually fairly pleasant compared to the jumping jacks
my small intestine was doing... Two hours later while jogging to burn
the meat out of my system, I spit up on the sidewalk and I see the
concrete just give in and collapse. I drank a carton of milk and
spent three hours tossing and turning hoping the pain would go away
and just thinking how much I am looking forward to next years
competition