Taking on the beach

I have friends and family members who will disagree but honestly I hate the beach. It's not that I hate the surf or the waves but the reason the beach and I aren't friends comes down to three main reasons: the sand, the sun and the suntan lotion.

I don't care what anybody says but sand everywhere is just miserable, I hate the feeling of sand caked on my body. until they invent a sandless beach I won't be happy.

The other thing i just can't stand is the heat pounding down on me. After 10 minutes it becomes completely unbearable and to go to the beach to plant myself under an umbrella just seems silly. How somebody can suntan in beyond me, if the rays don't kill you the boredom will.

The sun and lack of coverage is miserable and the sand in my shorts, hair or in my eyes is completely unpleasant but there is nothing worse than as a pasty white dude I need to apply lotion by the gallon. With all that sand everywhere it is just an awful experience. And to make matters worse for years I would go to the beach with buddies who being a bunch of mid twenties dudes refused to apply lotion on a friend's back. The story was always the same, they refused to lather me up without the use of a mop and having no chicks in our circle it would mean my chest and arms would be covered in white while I would manage to cover my back with a couple of criss cross lines as I contoured my body to try to get as much coverage as i could I then find myself laying on the beach for 3 hours while my small sections of my back morphed into the color of a bottom dwelling shell-fish. I could literally feel the cancer burning into my skin and then I'd be forced to bathe in aloe for a week.
So I still hate the beach because although I can probably convince my wife to make sure my skin stays a nice shade of white, the sun has gotten worse and the sand in my crack means the tacos from last night are going to feel like I'm polishing my ahole with 220 grit sand paper.