I am like an 80's rock-star except the rip in my jeans isn't in the knee

For all the fun I poke at the overweight, I have finally been put in my place. I did what is only supposed to happened in sitcoms and I can only assume there is a laugh-track in my life.
Two weeks ago I put a freshly washed pair of jeans on and noticed they felt a little tight around the thighs. Now I like tight-jeans on chicks but can't fathom a reason a guy would ever go this route. I kicked myself for having let myself go as I haven't been running as regularly as I should while increasing the amount of crap I ate. Add to this the fact that have picked up a nasty dark chocolate habit and that I a lazy slob it wasn't that surprising that my 33x34 jeans felt a little tight around my fat thighs.
I vowed to get back in shape as buying a larger pair of jeans is akin to letting the terrorist win and I hit the road running but after a couple of weeks I noticed very little difference in my thighs or gut and everything on my felt sloppy while everything I wore felt tight.. I plopped down on the couch discouraged when all of a sudden RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPP. There was no laugh-track, no music, no candid camera nothing just a guy sitting on the couch with his head hung in shame.

My first fear was that I had ripped my boxers again or worse yet ripped my sack but this time the item that ripped was the denim from my crotch to my seat. How does somebody become so heavy in such a short period of time that their fat ass can literally bust through the seat of a piece of denim?
There I sat like a fat Bret Michaels with no real talent, a sloppy belly and ripped jeans on and only hoping for somebody to take me away.


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