Shake Rattle and Roll

I have a confession to make and it’s a bit nasty so if you just had lunch maybe it’s better that you come back to TOR in about an hour or so. Actually it’s not that nasty it’s really just sad but I feel like I should come clean because there might be other people living in the shadows with this affliction

Well yesterday as I’m standing online at the airport waiting to get through the security line the fact I had already had 4 cups of coffee hit me (I was very afraid to repeat the Monday Caffeine fix fiasco). The major problem with over-caffeinating myself is that it also means my bladder goes from that of a 33 year old guy to that of an 83 year old guy. So I’m standing at the airport, jumping on one leg and practically begging that the family of 5 going to Orlando can somehow hurry through the line. Of course leisure travelers are one of the pet-peeves in airports because they never have any sense of urgency and never know that they have to take their shoes off or forget a bunch of change in their pockets. Give the leisure traveler a bunch of kids and you might as well start listing to ‘November Rain’ cause it will be an hour before you get to the front of the line. Even Blitzkrieg Bop seems like it is 4 hours long when you combine leisure travelers with kids along with three cups of java for me.

Well I finally get myself through the line and make a full fledged sprint to the john. I get there, pull my work pants down and let rip. This is when it goes bad at about 10 seconds into my stream I feel a big sense of relief and as I’m about 75% done I get this tingle of a chill up my spine,. It is something I’ve experienced 100’s of times and I know what’s about to happened. I go from a normal posture to a sudden violent jerk which shakes my entire body from the chill down my spine. This happens to me when I’ve held it too long, I just spasm in the middle of the stream. Well I blink and all of a sudden I got a puddle of piss all over my pants and work shoes. This obviously sucks but at least it’s my own piss on my clothing, the problem is that I look down and I sprayed Righetti-pee all over the tennis shoes of the guy standing next to me and this dude looks like he plays for the Miami Dolphins.

Now I am pretty sure he didn’t notice and I wasn’t going to take any chanced; I zip-up and burn out of the can quicker than I ran into it. Now I personally blame the airports for having me wait too long in the first place but also not putting full body length dividers between pissers.

See when I take a leak especially in a public place I get this Parkinson’s like shake that comes over me about 3/4rds of the way into a steady stream. It happens with the combination of coffee and public pissing. It doesn’t matter where but after a couple of cups of java, I inevitably have to get to restaurant, airport or ball-park as the black-shit runs through my system. I have chalked this up with some other weird afflictions I have which include sneezing two times every-time I see a bright light like the sun on a clear day and the fact my urine smells like rotten cabbage whenever I eat asparagus.

Maybe it’s the fact it’s sped my heart race up, maybe it’s because of the jumping jack thing I do while squeezing my fat thighs together hoping to quench my bladder or maybe it’s just my bad luck but anytime I get in one of these scenarios I get this shake which in cases like yesterday could really play out badly.